The Ring of Powers

  • Season 2, Ep 206
  • 07/28/2011

Mark accidentally reactivates Leonard's magical arranged marriage.

YOU WANT TO GO FOR A DRINK, ANDUH, FRIENDSHIP TALK?

- WITH YOU,THREE'S NEVER A CROWD.

YEAH.

- [whimpers]

[upbeat guitar music]

- ♪ PEOPLE ALL AROUND MEPREACHING ♪

♪ I DON'T LISTENAND I DON'T CARE ♪

- PANTS!

[techno music playing]

- [panting]

- LOOKS KIND OF CHEAPFOR A MAGIC RING.

- WHY DON'T YOU WATCHWHERE YOU'RE GOING?

- I WILL, IF YOU PROMISETO HAVE A GREAT DAY.

- [monotonously]I PROMISE

I WILL HAVE A GREAT DAY.

- HMM.

COULD THAT HAVE BEENTHE POWER OF INFLUENCE?

EXCUSE ME, SIR.TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN.

WHOA.IT WAS.

IT WAS THE POWER OF INFLUENCE.

LET'S DO A LITTLE DAMAGE.

YOU, ADMITYOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

[glass shatters]

[loud crash]

NOW EVERYBODY DANCE!

[Eastern-influencedtechno music]

DID YOU READTHAT ENTIRE THING?

- I DON'T SLEEP, MARK.

READING KILLS TIME,AND IT KEEPS ME OFF THE STREETS.

UH, B.T. DUBS,ACCORDING TO THIS,

THE PERSON WHO WEARS THE RINGIS THE ONE GETTING MARRIED.

ALSO, I CAN SEEYOUR ENTIRE SCHLONG RIGHT NOW.

- OOP, RIGHT YOU ARE.

LEONARD'S FLAKY, BUT HE WOULD'VETOLD ME IF THAT WAS THE CASE.

- WELL, OF COURSE, WHY WOULDN'TYOU TRUST A KNOWN LIAR?

HEY, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAWHY ALL THESE PEOPLE

HAVE BEEN DANCING OUTSIDEOUR APARTMENT FOR TEN HOURS?

- OH, DEAR GOD.

EVERYBODY, STOP DANCING!

- SHE'S DEAD!- I CAN'T FEEL MY ARMS!

- MY SOCKS ARE FILLEDWITH BLOOD!

- NUMBER EIGHT, PLEASE.

- OH, THE OLD"PUT IT ON ICE" BELL.

SHE'LL THAW OUTIN A DAY OR TWO.

- OH, IS SHE DEAD?

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WELL...I DON'T KNOW.

MY SPELLS ONLY HAVEA 30% SUCCESS RATE.

- HERE WE GO.

- SHE'S EVEN UGLIERTHAN I REMEMBER.

SHE'S THE MOST HIDEOUS THINGI'VE EVER SEEN.

MARK, LOOK AWAY,QUICKLY.

- WOW.

HUCKLE BUCKLE BEANSTALK.

- MARK, AVERT YOUR EYES.

AND THIS IS DOUG'S NEW SCRATCHPOST,

OH, AND THOSE AREHIS EUCALYPTUS TREES.

OH, AND, DOUG, DO YOU WANTTO SHOW THEM YOUR BED?

[laughs]

- [whimpering happily]

- ISN'T HE THE BEST?all: AW.

[doorbell rings]

- MWAH!YOU CAME.

- HOW'S OUR BRIDE-TO-BE DOING?THAWING EVENLY, I HOPE.

- THANK YOU, MARK.THE GIRLS LOVE HER SO MUCH.

THIS IS THE MOST FUN I'VE HADMAYBE EVER!

[ice sloshing]

- I LIKE MY SMIRNOFFON THE ROCKS.

THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING.

- [sighs]

MRS. POWERS-TO-BE,

MAY YOU AND LEONARDHAVE A LIFE FULL OF MIRTH.

RANDALL, WHY AM I USING WORDSLIKE "MIRTH"?

- HEY, EVERYONE, LOOK!

DOUG'S TRYING TO BREAK-DANCE.[laughs]

- LOOKS LIKE I'VE FOUND MYSELFAN INSIDE MAN.

- WHAT'S THE HOLDUP, TWAYNE?

IT'S BEEN A WHOLE DAY,AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T TURNED

MY BEAUTIFUL ANGELIC DAUGHTERINTO A FESTERING CORPSE.

- I'M SORRY, SIR.

COLD-BLOODED ASSASSINATIONIS USUALLY NO BIG DEAL FOR ME.

BUT I STILL HAVE A BITOF A THING FOR CALLIE.

- WELL, THEN BE A REAL MANABOUT IT, TWAYNE,

AND HIRE SOMEONE ELSETO DO YOUR DIRTY WORK.

IF WORD GETS OUTTHAT THE MAGGOTBONE BLOODLINE

HAS GONE SOFT, MY ENEMIESWILL EAT ME ALIVE, LITERALLY.

IT'S REALLY UNPLEASANT.

- I'M ON IT, SIR.

[line beeps]

- MR. BONE RAPER,YOUR 9:15 IS HERE.

- SEND HIM IN.

THERE HE IS.

WOULD YOU LIKE ANYTHING?SCOTCH, CIGAR?

OKAY, CUT THE CUTE ACT, DOUG.

OR SHOULD I SAY

CESAR THE MURDER BEAR?

- [whimpering]

- I KNOW WHAT HAPPENEDIN BOLIVIA.

[people crying and screaming]

THERE WERE WOMEN AND CHILDRENIN THAT VILLAGE.

I NEED YOU TO KILL AGAIN.

- [gasps]

- THE FBI WOULDN'T TAKETOO KINDLY

TO AN INTERNATIONAL ASSASSIN

STARTING A NEW LIFEHERE IN AMERICA, DOUG.

END HER,

OR I END YOU.

- [whimpers]

[doorbell ring]

[trumpet fanfare]

- PRESENTING MARK LILLY.ALL RISE.

- FAIR LADY MAGGOTBONE.

DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCESBEYOND MY CONTROL,

I FEAR OUR RELATIONSHIPMUST COME TO A CONCLUSION.

- WHAT DID I DO WRONG?I CAN LOSE WEIGHT!

GAIN WEIGHT!SEX CHANGE!

TELL ME!

- WHEN THE GODS OF LOVE CONSPIREAGAINST ONE'S UNABOUND DUTY,

MAN HATH NO CHOICE BUT TO--

- HE WANTS TO BANGLEONARD'S CHICK.

- HAVE YOU NO DISCRETION,SQUIRE?

YOU ARE SO FLOGGEDWHEN WE GET HOME.

- DUDE, MY MOMWANTS THAT SHIRT BACK

WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH IT.

- I HAVE TO WIN MARK BACK.

HE'S THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, DOUG.

I'LL DIE WITHOUT HIM.

- END HER,

OR I END YOU.

[dramatic music]

[doorbell rings]

[trumpet fanfare]

- PRESENTINGRANDALL SKEFFINGTON,

LORD OF THE REBOUND.

- BEFORE WE MEET BEATRICE'SFAMILY, I SHOULD WARN YOU.

THEY'VE BEEN NEW YORK ROYALTYFOR CENTURIES.

THEY'RE KIND OF STUCKIN THEIR WAYS.

- 'TIS NOTHING NOBLERTHAN THE REGAL TRADITION OF--

- YEAH, YOU'LL BE FINE.

[whimsical music]

- PRESENTING LEONARD POWERS,HIGH WIZARD OF SOCIAL SERVICES,

HERE TO COLLECTYOUR FAIR DAUGHTER'S DOWRY.

- WAZZUP, BITCHES?

WHERE MY MONEY AT?

- BRING IN THE DOWRY.

- MY DOWRYIS DISCOUNT MATTRESSES?

OH, I KNEW I'D GET [bleep].

PEACE OUT.

YOW!

- [scoffs]

- I AM SORRY TO DISGRACETHE GOOD COURT.

THIS UNSEEMLY OUTBURSTBY MY LIEGE WILL NOT STAND.

- WHERE WOULD ONE FINDTHE WINCHERY?

- I HAVE TERRIBLE NEWS, MILADY.

YOU ARE ABOUT TO MARRY A CAD.

- [gurgling and bubbling]

- MY GOD.

YOUR SIREN SONGIS IRRESISTIBLE.

I CAN'T STOP MYSELF ANYMORE!

OH, LADY BEATRICE,

IF ONLY I COULD STEAL YOUR HANDFROM THAT DASTARDLY HEATHEN.

CURSE THIS FATE OF OURS!

RIGHT?

SEXY FRUIT TIME. YEAH, THAT'SRIGHT,

PASS THAT ORANGE.

OKAY.

NOW A DEEP, WET KISS.

- UGH, I WOULDN'T SNOGTHAT BLOKE

WITH A THREE-METER POLE.

- OKAY,WELL, LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.

WHY AREN'T YOU TWO TURNED ON?

- BASICALLY,WE ARE DISGUSTED BY EACH OTHER.

- HE'S AS REPULSIVEAS THE QUEEN'S BUM.

- EVERYONE'S HIDEOUS NAKED.

YOU GET IN, FIRE AWAY, GET OUT.THAT'S SEX.

- WELL, I THINKWHAT WE NEED TO DO

IS CHANGE THE MOOD HERE.

START FROM A PLACE OF CALM.

WE'RE TAKING ALLDEEP, SENSUAL BREATH,

DOWN, DOWN, DOWN.

- [moaning]

- YEAH, EXHALING.GOOD.

- SHOULD WE BE HERE FOR THIS?

- WHO DARETH BRING A DRAGONINTO MY REALM OF EMPLOYMENT?

[fire roaring]

[screaming]

- AH!

[glass shatters]

PUT IT OUT.

- I'M BURNING IN HERE.

- LEONARD, STAY CALM.

DOUG, YOU'RE IN CHARGETILL I GET BACK.

I'M GOING TO GET ALOE.

NOW, WHERE DOES LEONARDKEEP THE ALOE?

WHITE-OUT.

UNWRAPPED CONDOMS.

WHAT IS THIS?

MARK?

WHY DOES THISHAVE MY NAME ON IT

IN SUCH A GIRLISH FONT?

OH!

SO SMALL AND SHINY.

AH, NO HARM IN TRYING IT ON.

HELLO!

[shimmering tone]

- MARK, I JUST WANTEDTO MAKE SURE

YOU WEREN'T LOOKING FOR THE ALOEIN MY DRAWER OF SECRETS.

- THE DRAWER OF WHAT NOW?

- THE RING.YOU'RE WEARING MY RING.

- BUT IT SAYS "MARK" ON IT.

OOPS.

- I'M GONNA--

- AAH!STOP IT!

- [monotonously]VERY WELL, MARK.

I WILL STOP IT.

- OKAY, GOOD TO BE HEARD.WOW.

WHY DO YOU HAVE AN ENGAGEMENTRING IN YOUR DESK ANYWAY?

- IT'S A LONG STORY THAT WOULDBEST BE TOLD AT A BOOKSTORE.

YOU SEE, MARK,THREE CENTURIES AGO,

I MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKEOF MY LIFE:

PROPOSING TO THE WIZARD PRINCESSBEATRICE,

THE WEALTHY HEIRESSTO THE BEDFELLOW THRONE.

- MM-HMM.

- I'D BEEN ABLETO "PUT IT ON ICE"

UNTIL YOU PUT ONTHAT STUPID RING

AND ACTIVATEDTHE MARRIAGE COUNTDOWN!

- WELL, DEACTIVATE IT.GET THIS THING OFF MY FINGER.

[straining]

- WAIT.IT'S STUCK ON YOU?

- IS THAT...BAD?

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