Wednesday, February 3, 2016

  • 02/03/2016

Burnie Burns, Gavin Free and Colton Dunn make a case for wearing pajamas to court, sum up #BadKickstarterIn5Words and give superlatives to teens with bad yearbook photos.

HARDWICK:Ripped from today's

Internet headlines,it's Rapid Refresh!

(cheers and applause)

And now here's your list

of the most trendingest topicson the World Wide Web today.

First thing first--uh, space jams.

Space jams right at the top.

You know, when I was growing up,

"astronaut" was the coolest jobin the world, but these days,

kids just want to grow up to beVine stars and (bleep) boys.


Or... or both.I don't know.

NASA's tryingto reverse that trend

with an exciting new music video

that gives kidsexactly what they want--

a hot R&B jamand special effects

that look like they jumpedright off your Sega Genesis!

Take a look.

♪ Can you feel it?

-HARDWICK: Oh! -♪ I mean, I knowexactly what I'm gonna be ♪

♪ I'm on a pathof self-discovery ♪

-(laughter)-♪ Word

-♪ Yeah ♪-♪ I was afraid

-HARDWICK: Whoa! Whoa!-♪ Of my desire to create...

-Oh! -Oh, holy (bleep),they killed that kid!

They just (bleep) killedthat kid!

-They shot him into a galaxy!He's dead! -(laughter)

He exploded into a thousandlittle sparkles of dust!

So, comedians,as the manager of the arcade

where this kid was justhanging out

before NASA murdered himin space,

please explain to his fatherwhat happened to him.

-Uh, Colton.-Sorry, dude.

Your kid went to spaceand 'sploded.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Very simple,

-direct approach. Yeah.-(applause)

Usually the best approach.

Points. Gavin.

Don't worry.He's just been floating around

behind your bookcasefor a thousand years.

HARDWICK:Yeah, points.

-Points. Points.-(cheers and applause)


Well, sir, you know how kids,like, really

really like Star Wars?

Anyway, your kid's dead.


(cheers and applause)

Points, Burnie.

On to our next topic:"I'll accept jizz."

-I'll accept jizz.-(laughter and groaning)

-Hang on.-(laughter)

On Monday night's @midnight, I said something

that led to an unfortunatescreen cap, "I'll accept jizz."



(applause and cheering)

Which, by the way,is what I said.

Uh, now, while I have...

In many, many years,

about 20, if you count 'em,in show jizzness,

uh, I am delighted

with how many of youtook that seriously.

I've been receivinga huge load of fan mail

that I'm afraid to open.

-Oh.-(laughter and groaning)

Now, if indeed my fanssent me some man protein,

I can't thinkof a worse gift to get.

Uh, disclaimer--please don't send me jizz.


I mean any more.

So, comedians,your challenge is,

what am I gonna dowith all of this (bleep)?



Bro, drink it likea protein shake and get ripped!

HARDWICK:All right.

(laughter,applause and cheering)

(audience groaning)


-Boom.-The last sip takes the longest.


-HARDWICK: Burnie.-You could use

the gallons of jizz to finallylure Kesha out of your basement.

-(audience groaning)-HARDWICK: I mean, I don't...

(bleep), no.

Boom! Got her!


-Nailed Kesha.-Very talented, very talented.

On to our next topic--Tough Kids. Tough Kids.

A photo recently postedby redditor Spainiana

apparently points out a brandingproblem with Tough Kids shoes.

You know, it's an issue mostly

with their odd choiceof spokesmodel.

So, who did they pickto advertise Tough Kids?

A: Sweet little boyin a cashmere sweater vest?

B: A menacing little girlwith an eye patch

preparingto throw a hand grenade?

Or C: Forest Whitaker?



I'm gonna go C: Forest Whitaker,'cause he's available.

-(laughter and applause)-All right. I don't know.

He might already be doing stuff.

The correct answerwas actually this.

(bleep), yeah! Oh!

-That kid is tough as (bleep).-(laughter)

He was raisedon the mean streets

of the Dutch Virgin Islands.

-(laughter)-FREE: I don't know.

It looks like he's, like,

the hottest dudeon a boat, you know?

-(laughter, applause)-He is, yeah.

Yeah, he would demandyour lunch money

so he could invest it.

-HARDWICK: Yeah.-(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

Points for Gavin, pointsfor Colton on that one.

That actually looks like a kid

who would have bullied Gavinin school.

-That's...-Come on. -Oh.

-I believe it.-Why do you always bring up...?

He still is.He still is. Still.

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(applause and cheering)

Tonight, we've got the starsof Lazer Team,

a movie that was crowd-fundedon Indiegogo

with a record-breaking$2.4 million.

Congratulations, gentlemen.

(applause and cheering)


not all crowd-funding campaignsare as successful.

Like this one for the Pokie,

the sexy snuggiewith a hole for your penis!

-(laughter and groaning)-It's never been easier

to trick your uncle into shakinghis dick at passing cars.

We figured outwe'd brainstorm some more

regretful,crowd-funding investments

with tonight's hashtag--#BadKickstarterIn5Words.

Bad Kickstarter in five words.

(laughter and groaning)

Zero backers so far for eroticPaul Blart fan fiction.

I'd watch it.

HARDWICK: I'm gonna put 60seconds on the clock and begin.

-Yes, Colton. -Uh, healthycook book for neo-Nazis.



-World's first 1-D printer.-HARDWICK: Points.


-Making a Murderer: Animated Series. -HARDWICK: Points.


Adding "N" words to the Bible.


(cheers and applause)


Uh, cat versionof Battlestar Galactica.

Oh, Cattlestar Galactica? I'm in.

No, it's Battlestar Gacatica.

Gacatica also works, too.Points. Gavin.

Metal Fleshlightwith Tabasco lube.

(audience groans)

Spoken like peoplewho have used a Fleshlight.

Oh, God. I'm thinking aboutall of those times

I (bleep) a flashlight.That'd be the worst one.

Uh, Burnie.

Craigslist personals,but for kids.

Points. Colton.

Old nipple in a bottle.

All right.

Just an old nipple...

in a bottle.


Got to to raise that money.

It's time to playKiller B's. Killer B's.


the hilarious hoarders overat the Found Footage Festival

are geniuses when it comes tocataloguing VHS-based weirdness

from a time before the Internet.

So I'm gonna show you a VHScover from their online gallery

and for 250 pointsyou have to give me

the tagline for that movie.

First up, first up, Herpes!


One in five Americansalready own this.


Uh, Herpes: the Burnie Burns story.

I mean...


It's a documentary--I kickstarted it.

-Is that a herpe?That's a her... -Yeah.

I think maybe you actuallydickstarted it.

Uh, Burnie.

Uh, featuring a specialintroduction by Paris Hilton.

-Yeah...-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Points, yeah.

Where do you think I got it?

-(cheering, applause)-Yeah.

Uh, next up,

Hank's Christmas Glitter 2004".


The joy of Christmasis in his heart,

-the glitter is in his dick.-Points.

Ah, the old dick glitter.


Won't make senseunless you've seen

the first 2,003 prequels.

Next up,

Flirting with magic: Your Secret to Dating Success.

That man looks successful.Colton.

Get laid then disappear.


Food group, food group.

Points. Gavin.

Not just a magician,he's also a Rohypnotist.

-Points. Nice.-Oh, nice.

Nice. Burnie.

The life storyof David Cop-a-feel.

Yes, points.


All right, last one-- 10 Crunchy Carrots.

10 Crunchy Carrots. Yes, Colton.

Ten carrots, three holes,you do the math.

Uh, Burnie.

When you're a veganeven the porridge sucks.


Yeah, Ga...Uh, yeah, but, Burnie,

all this pornis locally sourced, so...

Uh, I want you guysto get ready to rock,

because there's a little videoof this one.

♪ One crunchy carrotbroken in two ♪

♪ Gives a piece for me

♪ And a piece for you.



Is that Ted Cruz in a wig?

That looks like...

That is (bleep) Ted Cruz.

Comedians, what happens next?Colton.

She swallows.

Before the break, I showed you

this Pennsylvania courthousesign warning you against

showing up in your PJs,which takes all the fun out

of jury duty.I asked you to pretend you were

a court bailiffand introduce a case where PJs

would be appropriate.Let's see what you wrote.

Gavin, let's start with you.

Next case, Bananas in Pajamas v. the Collapsing Staircase.

All right.

Mr. Burns.

Next case, Brown v. the Board of Masturbation.


Next case, The People v. Some Dude

who Just Doesn't Give a (bleep).

It's time for Yearbook Oh Nos.

Yearbook Oh Nos.

Yearbooks were clearly inventedby some sadistic bastard

who thought it was a great ideato have photo evidence

of the most awkward yearsof your life!

If you're lucky, you get taggedwith a superlative like

Most Likely to Steal Yo' Girl,like...


(cheering and applause)

Look at...

look at that.Just take the bowl off

and then just eat spaghetti outof it right after.

I was wearing big dorky glassesbefore it was still not cool!

So, comedians, I'm gonna showyou some truly bad selections


and I want you to tell mewhat superlative they earned

in school.First up, this lounging lad.


Most Likely to Crap Himselfat a Chuck E. Cheese.

"No, not in the ball pit!"

Uh, points, points.

Next up,this young daughter of a gun.

Yes, Burnie.

Most Likely to Secede.


Yep. Yeah.

Next up, this shocking fellow.


Most Likely to be Launchedinto a Galaxy by NASA.

Yes, points.



Next up, this meat body. Yeah.


Most Likely to Get His HeadStuck in a Doorway.

-Points.-He got a big head.

The (bleep) is he looking at?!

Next up,this gap-toothed student.



First Person to Flosswith a Bungee Cord.


By the way, that's, uh,our-our good friend

on @midnight, Alison Agosti.

Thank you for letting us useyour picture, Alison!

-It's still... it's stillway better than mine. -Yeah.

Next up, this jive jack.


Most Likely to be Arrestedfor Possession of Oregano.



Finally, this relaxed rocker.

Uh, yes, Gavin.

Most Likely to (bleep) UpMachete Juggling.