Les Mis

  • Season 3, Ep 1
  • 09/18/2013

Mr. Garvey clashes with students over club photos, and President Obama addresses the NSA scandal.

[ominous music]

[door creaks]

- COME ON, KIDS.

[soul music]

JAY-KWELIN.- HERE.

- YOU ARE PRESENT?BA-LAKAY.

- UH, HERE.- UH-HUH.

DE-NICE.- HERE.

- GOOD.

JE-SEEKA.

THANK YOU.

- MR. GARVEY?

- WHAT IS IT, A-ARON?

- SOME OF US NEED TO LEAVEA FEW MINUTES EARLY TODAY.

- OH.

OH, IS THAT SO?- MM-HMM.

- AND WHAT, PRAY TELL...

IS THE REASON FORTHIS PREMATURE EXODUS?

- YEARBOOK PHOTOS.

UM, WE HAVE TO LEAVE15 MINUTES EARLY

TO MEET UP WITH OUR CLUBS.

- [chuckles]OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT MIGHT WORKWITH OTHER SUBSTITUTE TEACHERS,

BUT I TAUGHTIN THE INNER CITY

FOR OVER 20 YEARS.

NOW, Y'ALL WANNALEAVE MY CLASS EARLY

SO Y'ALL CAN GO MEET UPAT "THE CLUB."

AIN'T NONE OF Y'ALLOLD ENOUGH

TO GO TO THE DAMN CLUB!

RIDICULOUS.

- MR. GARVEY?- DUMB SON OF A BITCH!

DID IST-ST-ST-ST-ST-STUTTER?

- JUST THEN, YES.

- I'M GONNA THROW YOU OUTTHE GODDAMN WINDOW!

WHAT, JAY-KWELIN?

- MR. GARVEY, WE'RE--WE'RE TELLING THE TRUTH.

WE--WE HAVE CLUBSAT THE SCHOOL.

WE HAVE CLUBSFOR SPECIAL INTERESTS.

- OKAY, I SEE.SO Y'ALL WANNA PLAY.

Y'ALL WANNA PLAY.

YEAH, OKAY,WE GONNA PLAY LITTLE GAMES.

FINE. I'LL PLAY.

I'M MORE THAN HAPPY TO PLAYSOME GAMES WITH Y'ALL.

ANYONE WHO'S IN A CLUB...STAND YOUR ASS UP.

UH-HUH. OH, YEAH,THERE IT IS, THERE IT IS.

THE USUAL SUSPECTS.

WHAT THE HELL CLUBARE YOU IN, JAY-KWELIN?

- FUTURE LEADERSOF AMERICA.

- OKAY, OKAY.

HOW WOULD YOU KNOWIF YOU'RE GONNA BE A LEADER

IN THE FUTURE?

IS THERE A STARGATEIN YOUR BEDROOM?

CAN YOU TRAVEL THROUGH TIME,JAY-KWELIN?

- NO.- THEN SIT THE FLIP DOWN!

BA-LAKAY, I--HERE'S THE THING.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHYI'M ABOUT TO ASK YOU THIS.

B-LAKAY,WHAT CLUB ARE YOU IN?

- UM, PART OF THE SPANISH CLUB.

- SPAN--THE SP--YOU ABOUT AS SPANISH

AS REE-ON SEACREST,

WITH YOUR BIG-ASS FRAGGLE ROCK HAIR!

HOW 'BOUT YOU, DE-NICE?

- I'M IN THE CHESS CLUB.

- UH, I'M SORRY, SWEETHEART,

YOU ARE NOTIN THE CHEST CLUB.

THE "MOSQUITO BITE CLUB,"MAYBE.

- AH, THAT'S HURTFUL.- TRUTHFUL.

THERE HE IS.

A-ARON...- HEY.

- WHAT CLUB ARE YOU IN?

- I'M THE PRESIDENTOF THE GLEE CLUB.

WHY DID I TALK?

- THE GLEE CLUB?AAH!

LIKE THEY GONNA HAVEA CLUB

DEDICATED TO A TV SHOW!

TAKE YOUR ASS TOO-SHAG-HANNESSEY'S OFFICE

RIGHT NOW,BEFORE I BUST A CLUB

UP IN YOUR BUTT!- OKAY.

- GO!- [crying] OKAY, I'M GONNA GO.

- MISCHIEVOUSAND DECEITFUL!

CHICANEROUSAND DEPLORABLE.

- THIS IS PRINCIPALO'SHAUGHNESSY.

STUDENTS, PLEASE REPORTTO THE GYMNASIUM

FOR YOUR CLUB PHOTOS.- FAKE ANNOUNCEMENT.

NOW, DOES ANYBODY IN HEREHAVE A VALID REASON

FOR LEAVING THIS CLASSROOM?T-MOTHY.

- I GOTTA PICK UP MY DAUGHTER.- YOU'RE EXCUSED.

WELCOME TO BATTLE RAP,WHERE WE'RE GONNA BATTLE RAP

EVERY DAY IN THE MONTH OFFEBRUARY, Y'ALL.

YO, I'M YOUR HOST,BIG PEEP-PAROO!

all: R-R-R-ROO!- THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT,

THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.TO MY LEFT, WE GOT THE CHAMPION.

YO, INTRODUCE, SON!- YEAH, WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?

THIS YOUR BOY, RHINO D,AND I'M ABOUT TO FRONTHAND...

BACKHAND HIS ASSOFF THE MIC!

- THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT,THAT'S RIGHT.

AND ON MY RIGHT,WE GOT THE CHALLENGER.

INTRODUCE YOURSELF, PLAYA.- YEAH, WHAT'S UP, MAN?

I'M DILLER KILLER,IN THE HOUSE.

100 USDA PURE MEAT.NO FILLER RIGHT HERE, DAWG.

- HOO! HOO! [barks]- OKAY, OKAY.

YO, DILLER LOST THE TOSS,SO YOU GO FIRST.

OKAY, GENTLEMEN,BATTLE RAP!

- ALL RIGHT, YEAH.NOW, HERE WE GO.

YOU'RE SHOOK, SON.I'M GONNA EAT YOU FOR BREAKFAST.

'CAUSE I'M A COOK, SON.- HA HA!

I STOLE A COP-A-FEELFROM YOUR GIRL'S BREASTESES!

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- [high-pitched growling]

- WAIT A MINUTE.GET BACK.

- [growling continues]

- HE DON'T EVEN KNOW, MAN.HEY, LISTEN, MAN.

YOU CAN'T EVEN WINTHIS 100-YARD DASH,

BUT LET ME ASK YOUA QUESTION.

WHAT DO THEY CALL THAT,A MOUSTACHE?

all: OHH...

- [growling]

AAAAH!

AAH!- NO, MAN, SEE--

RELAX, MAN. HEY, I NEED YOUTO RELAX A LITTLE BIT.

- [growling]

- TAKE IT DOWNA LITTLE BIT.

- AHHHHHH...- WHAT THE [bleep] YOU DOIN'?

I'M TELLING YOU, TAKE--CAN YOUTAKE IT DOWN A LITTLE BIT, MAN?

- [growls quieter]

- COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU,A HORSE? LIKE...

- AAAAH!- THAT'S THE LAST ONE.

YO, WHAT'S UP, DAWG?YOU KNOW, MY [bleep] IS RICH.

I'M SWIMMIN' IN SIMOLEONS.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHTHIS MINIATURE BLACK NAPOLEON?

- [growling]

- YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

YO! HEY, MAN.

HEY, DAWG,GET YOUR--HEY, HEY!

NOW--COME ON, NOW.DON'T GET MY EYES WET.

HEY, HEY, GET YOUR BOY--

- WAAAAAAH!- YO, I'M SORRY.

LOOK AT THAT. LOOK AT THIS.LOOK AT THIS.

LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT IT.OH, OH, YEAH.

GO GET IT, NOW.THAT'S A BOY. OH.

YEAH, MAN! HERE WE GO!YEAH, MAN, LOOK AT THAT CHAIN

AND THESE FAKE-ASSTIMBERLANDS.

- AAAAAAHHH...- OH, MAN!

- I'M SORRY.NO, YOU'RE OKAY, MAN.

I'M SORRY.I REALLY APOLOGIZE.

- YO, MAN.WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM, MAN?

- HEY, HEY!REMEMBER--NO, NO, HEY!

- AAAAAAHHH...

AHH AHH!- WHY ARE YOU DOING ME?

- AAAAAHH!- WHY WOULD YOU--LISTEN.

- AAAAH!- NO. NO, NO, NO. COME ON.

- AAAAHH!- SHH. SHH. SHH.

- ALL RIGHT,YOU GUYS GOTTA GO, MAN.

- NO, COME ON, MAN.- NO, MAN.

NO, YOU'RE ALL DONE, MAN.YOU GOT TO GO.

THAT'S RIGHT, MAN.YO, WE GOT A CHAMPION STILL.

WE GOT A CHAMPION STILLRIGHT HERE.

- HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?

YEAH! THAT'S WHAT'S UP.THAT'S YOUR BOY--

- AAAAAAHH...- JUST...GIVE ME THE HAT!

- HEY, MAN--- GIVE IT UP!

[indistinct shouting]

GIMME THAT [bleep] HAT!

[birds chirping]

- [sustained gibberish]

- LISTEN.LISTEN--LISTEN, MAN.

I WANT YOU TO LOOK OUTON THE LAKE, MAN.

I JUST WANT YOU TO LOOK OUTAND IMAGINE A PLACE, MAN,

WHERE YOU CAN DOYOUR THING, MAN.

- HOOOOO...

- WHERE YOU AND I COULD GOAND DO OUR THING,

BUT NEVER HAVE TO FORFEIT, YEAH!- YAHH.

- YOU COULD SCREAM AND SHOUTAND SHOVE PEOPLE

BACK AND FORTH, BUT WE DON'TNEVER HAVE TO QUIT.

- AAAAH!- BUT LOOK OUT ON THE LAKE, MAN.

LOOK OUT ON THE LAKE.

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, MAN,I START RAPPIN'.

- HWAH!

- AND MY RHYMES,THEY START TO FLOW.

AND I'M TURNIN' THE TIDE.

AND NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO,YOU CAN PUSH AND SHOVE

AND SCREAM, BUT WE'LL NEVERGET DISQUALIFIED.

- LAA LAA LAA!

AH HA HA HA!

YEAH, YEAH, OOH! HA-HA!

- MAN, FOR GOOD MEASURE, WHILEYOU'RE LOOKING AT THE LAKE,

JUST GIVE MEONE MORE GOOD "AAAAHH."

- AAAAH--

[gunshot]

- HEY, BOO.HOW YOU DOING?

- GOOD.- HOW WAS WORK?

- SUCKED.

- AWW. CAN I ASK YOUA QUICK QUESTION?

- YEAH, SURE.WHAT UP?

- I'VE JUST BEEN NOTICINGTHAT EVERY TIME

I LEAVE TO GO OUT, THE NEXT TIMEI OPEN THE COMPUTER,

THE BROWSER HISTORY'SBEEN CLEARED.

- HMM. THAT'S WEIRD.

- YESTERDAY,I WENT FOOD SHOPPING

FOR, LIKE, 15 MINUTES.

I USED THE COMPUTER BEFOREI WENT TO THE STORE,

AND WHEN I CAME BACK,MY HISTORY WAS GONE,

THE CACHE WAS CLEARED,AND THE COOKIES HAD BEEN RESET.

- HMM.

[suspenseful music]

WELL, I THINK SOMETIMESTHE COMPUTER RUNS

AN AUTOMATIC SOFTWARE UPDATE,

SO MAYBE THAT JUST KIND OFCLEARS THE HISTORY.

- YEAH, EXCEPT WHEN YOU UPDATETHE SOFTWARE,

A LITTLE WINDOW POPS UP,AND YOU CLICK "OK,"

AND THEN IT GETS INSTALLED,SO...

MM-MM.- HMM.

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE THERE'SSOMETHING WRONG

WITH THE COMPUTER,YOU KNOW?

AND IT'S JUSTONE OF THOSE THINGS,

WHENEVER IT GETS INTERRUPTEDFROM THE POWER SOURCE,

IT HAS TO REBOOT, AND IT JUSTTOTALLY WIPES OUT THE HISTORY.

- BE HONEST, BABE.IT'S PORN, RIGHT?

- PORN?

WHAT'S--OH, PORNOGRAPHY?

NO.

- IT'S OKAYIF YOU LOOK AT PORN.

I ASSUMED YOU DID ANYWAYS.I MEAN, EVERY GUY DOES.

I'M PERFECTLY OKAYWITH THAT,

AND LONG AS IT'S NOTTHAT WEIRD STUFF.

OH...ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I MEAN,KINKY'S OKAY.

I LIKE KINKY.

AS LONG AS IT'S NOTTHAT SICK, TWISTED S&M STUFF.

WOW. UM...

OKAY, I'M NOT GONNA JUDGEYOUR JOURNEY.

IT IS YOUR FANTASY.

JUST AS LONG AS YOU AREN'TLOOKING AT WOMEN WHO--

NOT WOMEN?

WOW! OKAY.

MEN? CHICKS WITH DICKS?

HORSES?WORSE THAN HORSES?

WOW.

- BABY, GIMMEA LITTLE CREDIT.

NONE OF THAT MATTERS.

THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERSTHAT WHEN WE'RE DOING IT,

I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU...

AND YOU'RE THINKINGABOUT ME. RIGHT?

RIGHT, BABY?

[suspenseful music]

[wind whipping]

- ♪ ONE AT A TIME

♪ I PUT MEN LIKE YOUBEHIND BARS EVERY DAY ♪

♪ ONE AT A TIME

- ♪ LEGATEAUX,YOU MAY TAKE MY YEARS ♪

♪ BUT CANNOT LOCKMY SOUL AWAY ♪

♪ ALL THE YEARSI HAD TO RUN ♪

- ♪ I CHASED YOUTHROUGH THE YEARS ♪

- ♪ SO LONG AGO IT ALL BEGUN

- ♪ NOW YOUR JOURNEY'SAT AN END ♪

- ♪ IN THE SHADOWSON MY SHAME ♪

- ♪ YOU WILL PAYFOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE ♪

- ♪ BUT WAS I EVER TO BLAME?

- ♪ DEATH WILL BEYOUR ONLY FRIEND ♪

- ♪ DO I LETTHIS FIGHT END NOW? ♪

- ♪ DO NOT INTERRUPT ME

- ♪ JUST TO ENDTHIS LIFE OF PAIN ♪

- ♪ LET ME FINISHWHAT I NEED TO SAY ♪

- ♪ WILL THE ENDBE WELCOME NOW? ♪

- ♪ FINE, I'LL LET YOUFINISH FIRST ♪

- ♪ WILL MY JOURNEYBE IN VAIN? ♪

- ♪ DON'T LET MEGET IN YOUR WAY ♪

- ♪ I ONLY STOLEA LOAF OF BREAD ♪

- ♪ ARE YOU FINISHED NOW? - ♪ ALL I NEEDED

♪ TO SURVIVE - ♪ OKAY, NOW IT'S MY TURN

- ♪ IF I END UPIN YOUR CELL ♪

- ♪ CAN WE HAVESOME GIVE AND TAKE? ♪

- ♪ WHY SHOULD I HAVESTAYED ALIVE? ♪

- ♪ LET ME GET A WORD,AT LEAST ♪

- ♪ DO I TELL HIMTHAT I LOVE HIM ♪

♪ DO I TELL HIMOF HIS CHILD ♪

- ♪ NOW, WHERE DID THIS BITCHCOME FROM ♪

- ♪ I HAVE NO IDEA - ♪ ONE AT A TIME

- ♪ WILL HE EVER KNOWHIS DAUGHTER? ♪

- ♪ LADY, SERIOUSLY,PLEASE HANG ON ♪

- ♪ WILL HE RECOGNIZEHER EYES? ♪

- ♪ IT'S HARD ENOUGHTO TALK TO HIM ♪

- ♪ DID YOU SAY MY DAUGHTER?

- ♪ YOURS AND MINE - ♪ ONE AT A TIME

all: ♪ THE TRUMPETSCALL OUT FREEDOM ♪

- ♪ THIS ALL HAS TO HAPPENON THE SAME BLOCK? ♪

all: ♪ LET THE MARCHINGSHAKE THE GROUND ♪

- ♪ NOW THIS IS JUST A JOKE

♪ WE COULD SOLVE ALL THESEISSUES IF EVERYONE JUST SPOKE ♪

♪ ONE AT A TIME

- ♪ TAKING WHAT WE CAN, 'CAUSETHINGS ARE GETTING WORSE ♪

♪ TAKING WHAT WE CANFROM EVERY POCKET AND PURSE ♪

- ♪ ONE AT A TIME

- ♪ THE MEN HAVE COME

all: ♪ THEIR BLOODWILL SPILL ♪

- ♪ ONE AT TIME

- ♪ THE YEARSDESTROYED THE MAN ♪

♪ SHE KNEWBEFORE WE PARTED ♪

all: ♪ AND WHEN LOVE AND WARAND BLOOD AND GLORY'S ♪

♪ BARRACKSHAVE BEEN CLIMBED ♪

♪ WE WILL DIE - ♪ I WILL LOVE

- ♪ YEARS, THEY PASS

- CAN'T WE SPEAK?

all: ♪ ONE

both: ♪ HERE WE GO AGAIN,POPPING IN AND OUT ♪

♪ DON'T HAVE MUCH TO DOWITH WHAT THIS IS ABOUT ♪

all: ♪ A TIME

- ♪ WHY ARE WE ALLFACING THE SAME WAY? ♪

- IS THE CITY ON FIRE?WHAT'S WITH ALL THE SMOKE?

OH, NOW WE'RE ALL EARS.

GREAT.

- HELLO, MY FELLOW AMERICANS.

WITH ME, AS ALWAYS,IS MY ANGER TRANSLATOR, LUTHER.

- HI!

- NOW, THE FIRST YEAROF MY SECOND TERM

HAS BEEN A CHALLENGE.

- CLUSTER....[bleep]!

- TONIGHT, I'D LIKETO ADDRESS THE CONCERNS

OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLEOVER WHAT THEY PERCEIVE

AS THE U.S. GOVERNMENT SPYINGON THEIR DIGITAL

AND ELECTRONIC ACTIVITIES.

- MAN, Y'ALL SOME DELUDED,SELF-IMPORTANT MOTHER[bleep]

IF YOU THINK WE INTERESTEDIN YOUR DEVIANT,

PORN-WATCHIN' ASSES!

- I CAN ASSURE YOU,THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,

WE ARE NOT READINGEVERY INDIVIDUAL EMAIL.

RATHER, WE'RE SEARCHINGFOR KEY WORDS

THAT WOULD INDICATE A THREAT.

- AND DON'T WORRY,EVERYBODY,

THOSE KEY WORDS ARE NOT"GIRL ON GIRL,"

ANAL, SQUIRTING,PLOPPING.

- HMM. "PLOPPING"?

- WHAT THE [bleep]IS "PLOPPING,"

YOU DIRTY MOTHER[bleep]?

- THESE KEY WORDSARE BEING USED,

AMONGST OTHER THINGS,

TO PREVENT TERRORISTS

FROM USING WEAPONSOF MASS DESTRUCTION.

- NOT PREVENT YOUFROM WATCHING VIDEOS

OF ASS DESTRUCTION!

- NOW, THESE POLICIESHAVE ALREADY FOILED

NUMEROUS TERRORIST PLOTS.

- THESE ARE NOT THE KIND OFPLOTS THAT Y'ALL ARE USED TO,

LIKE WHEN A GUYCOMES IN THE DOOR

WITH HIS PENISIN A PIZZA BOX,

AND LADY SUCKS ON IT.

- AND I ASSURE YOU

THAT THE COUNTRY'SGOTTEN SAFER

SINCE THE ENDOF THE BUSH ERA.

- AND I AIN'T TALKIN'ABOUT THE PRESIDENT. BOOP.

- THESE POLICIES HAVE ALLOWED USTO PROBE AND PENETRATE...

- I KNOW Y'ALL BEEN PROBIN--- UNTIL THE DE--NO, LUTHER...

JUST, WHAT I'MTRYING TO SAY IS

THAT THERE HAVE BEEN NUMEROUSTERRORIST CELLS FINGERED--

- AND YOU GOT FINGERS, YOU PUT--- AND THAT--LUTHER.

- OKAY. LUTHER,WHY ARE YOU TRYING

TO UNDERMINE THE PRESIDENTWITH YOUR JUVENILE

SEXUAL INNUENDO?

- THE AVERAGE AMERICANHAS NOTHING TO FEAR

FROM THESE POLICIES.

- NOW! IF WE WASDRONE-STRIKIN' PERVERTS,

OUR COUNTRY WOULD LOOK LIKE

MAD MAX: BEYOND THUNDERDOME RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

I'M TALKIN' ABOUTA POST-APOCALYPTIC NIGHTMARE!

- THANK YOU,AND GOOD NIGHT.

- GO TO SLEEP, Y'ALL.

- "PLOPPING"?- OH, YES, SIR.

THAT'S WHEN...

- OH!

Y'ALL ARE SOME SICKMOTHER[bleep].

- WELCOME TO METTA WORLD NEWS.

OUR TOP STORY: WHY ARE PEOPLEALWAYS TRYING TO STEAL MY MAGIC?

IN OTHER NEWS,CAT LITTER CAN BE USED

TO BLIND PEOPLEWHEN FIGHTING.

INTERESTING.I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

WELL, THAT WRAPS UP METTA WORLD NEWS

FOR THIS WEDNESDAY,FEBRUARY BISCUIT FOUNTAIN JERK.

I'M METTA WORLD. PEACE.GOOD NIGHT.

- All right, man, what's up,

everybody in the Internetsworld and whatnot?

This is Vandaveon and Mike.

It's the third seasonof our show.

It used to be called"Critiquer's Corner."

We got a brand-new name.

We're gonna call it"The Van and Mike Show"

now from now on.

You know, usually what weused to do on the show

was that we wouldcritique scenes

from the "Key & Peele" show.- Stupid.

- But you know what?That's cool.

We don't need to worryabout that anymore, man.

Over 2 million hitsfor our show.

- 2 million hit!

- What's "Key & Peele" got?

Who cares, man?

'Cause we areInternet phenomenons.

I bet, as soon as I finishtalking today,

y'all gonna have like--

- Blip!

- Like, skid-d-d-d-d-rah!

2 million hits, just like that.- Bitch.

- We're herefor the people, man.

It's Internet freefor everybody.

- It's like Banksy.- Like who?

- You know.

- No, I didn't hearwhat you said.

- The dude fromthe documentary, Banksy.

- Oh, Banksy, right.

This that niggathat can't nobody see.

He out there somewhere.

He be just drawing,like, rats on a wall.

- Try not to let itgo to our head.

- Yeah, that'sthe other thing.

Say it again, Mike?

- Try not to let successgo to our head.

- Exactly, we don't wantno success

going up to our heads, man.

We get a whole new lookup in here.

We got the double camera.

- Why you got two cameras?

- So we can cutback and forth

if we want to do something,

like, to geta different dimension,

like Scorsese.

- It's pointed at me, though.

- It's not--hey, look, man.

Just look where I'm sitting,and look where the lens at.

It look like it's pointed--- I'm not talking about

that one.I'm talking about that one.

- Camera's definitelynot on you.

It's just gota wide-angle lens on it.

- You know what elseneeds a wide-angle lens?

- What's that?- My dick.

[laughter]

I thought about thatway, way beforehand.

- I didn't knowwhat he was gonna say.

Sometimes we gonna be talkingabout movies that we be enjoying

and how they could haveutilized dicks.

- Whatever'sin the ether.

- Other agendas on the show

that we gonna tryto get to: politics...

- World news.

- I know I wasn't gonna talkabout "Key & Peele,"

but just got to talkabout "Key & Peele"

for just one second, though.

- "The Substitute 2."

- We watched"The Substitute Teacher 2,"

which is one of the scenesthat's in the first show

of the third seasonof "Key & Peele."

- Shit's funny,that shit's funny, though.

- It was stupid...- [snickering]

- But it was funny, though.

But it was straight-up funny.

- Ain't none of you old enough to go to the damn club!

Ridiculous.

- Mr. Garvey--

- Ah, son of a bitch!

[indistinct shouting]

- "Oh, son of a bitch!"

- Kept waitingfor the dick to come out.

- We have found it funny,

but there wasn'ta dick to be found,

nary a dick to be found.

I thought, when he bustedthe clipboard over his knee,

like he had donein the first one,

what if he had just beenlike, zip, whoop...

K'shh!And broke it over his dick.

- [snickering]- And broke it over his dick!

Ha-ha!

You missed it, "Key & Peele!"

- Yo.- That might be

the only critiquewe do this year.

Enough about them.

Man, they startingtheir third season.

Good for them.

We don't need no TV show.

- That's just a rule.

- So I ain't even concernedabout their show no more, man.

They don't want to hire youas writers.

They don't want to understandthe recipe for funny,

which is dicks.

- Bitch!

- So you didn't hire us,

and we wantedto give you the dick secret.

- Dick secret.- But you don't want it.

That's on you, then.

Fuck you!

- Dick secret's when youthink about dicks,

and then only pleasant dickscome back to you.

You put positive dicksout there.

- Only positive dicksbe coming back to you.

[laughter]

See, Mike, man,he prolific--what's the word?

- Prophylactic.- Prophylactic.

- He prophylactic--wait a second.

[laughing]

He got the play on words,

'cause prophylacticwhat you put on your dick!

Fuck you, "Key & Peele,"you missing all the gold.