The One with the Kiss/Will They Won't They Finally Answered

  • Season 2, Ep 4
  • 07/21/2015

Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani test their relationship and showcase performances from Bridget Everett, Jak Knight, Thomas Middleditch and Kurt Braunohler.

EVERYONE LOVES A ROAST.

JONAH AND I DECIDED WE'REGONNA ROAST EACH OTHER.

WHICH I WASN'T TOO STOKED ON...

BECAUSE MY LIFEIS BASICALLY A ROAST.

NO, BUT IT'S FUN.IT COMES FROM A PLACE OF LOVE.

FEELS LIKE A BAD IDEA FOR MYSELF-ESTEEM, BUT I'M GAME,BECAUSE IT'S TV.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT, JONAH.JONAH RAY IS HERE TONIGHT.

JONAH IS THE ONLY EXAMPLEOF A MOUSTACHE MAKING SOMEONELOOK LESS MANLY.

OH-HO.

OKAY.YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YOU GOT IT. YOU GOT IT.RIGHT? FUNNY, OKAY.

OKAY, OKAY, YEAH, YEAH.OKAY, OKAY.

HEY, JONAH, YOU DRESS LIKE A KIDTHAT GOT STRUCK BY LIGHTNING...

THAT TURNED HIMINTO AN ADULT SUDDENLY.

JONAH STARTED HIS OWNCOMEDY RECORD LABEL.

AN ADMIRABLE FEATFOR SOMEONE 50 YEARS AGO.

GOOD LUCK! I HOPE YOUSIGN GEORGE CARLIN.

IT'S FUN, RIGHT?

IT'S NOT FUN.

ALL RIGHT, ROAST ME, ROAST ME.

IT'LL BE FUN, JUST ROAST ME.OKAY.

KUMAIL IS HERE, EVERYBODY,KUMAIL NANJIANI.

A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY HE'S A HUGE,ARROGANT ASSHOLE WHO THINKS IT'SOKAY TO HURT HIS FRIENDS.

THEY'RE RIGHT!

KUMAIL IS SO VAIN...

HOW VAIN IS HE?

HE'S SO VAIN, THAT HE DOESN'TTHINK OF OTHERS EVER.

THAT'S NOT REALLY A ROAST--

LET ME TELL YOU, HE'S SO CHEAP,BUT HE'S ALSO HURTFUL...

AND OWES ME AN APOLOGY.

WHILE WE ALL KNOW KUMAIL GOESTO THE GYM TO WORK ON HIS BODYA LOT...

BUT HE SHOULD WORK ON HIS HEARTAND HIS ACCEPTANCE TOWARDSOTHER PEOPLE.

THESE AREN'T ROAST JOKES. CANI-- I'LL SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE.

JONAH IS HERE, EVERYBODY.JONAH RAY IS HERE.

JONAH IS SUCH A HIPSTER,HE CAN'T JERK OFF UNLESSIT'S INTO A MASON JAR.

SEE TO--KUMAIL'S HERE, EVERYBODY!KUMAIL NANJIANI.

GIVE IT UP FOR KUMAIL.OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

KUMAIL LOVES HIS WIFE EMILYSO MUCH, BUT APPARENTLY EVERYONEELSE IS GARBAGE!

♪ There he was justa standing on the street ♪

♪ With them lazy blue eyeswas he lookin' back at me ♪

♪ I said boy where you goin'Don't care where you've been ♪

♪ You want to drink [BLEEP] andlove it's a win win win ♪

♪ I can tell by the way you walkwhat you're gonna do to me ♪

♪ I can tell by the way you talkOh shit ♪

♪ You're gonna give it to me

♪ So please take my numberI'll tell you where I live ♪

♪ Gonna leave the light onGive give give ♪

♪ What I what IWhat I gotta do ♪

♪ What I gotta do to getthat [BLEEP] in my mouth ♪

♪ What I what IWhat I gotta do ♪

♪ What I gotta do to getthat [BLEEP] in my mouth ♪

♪ Hot sweet and stickylike Mrs. Butters worth ♪

♪ Lick your fingers stick it inand get your money's worth ♪

♪ You're a big tough daddywith a loaded gun ♪

♪ Whip it out slap it downand let your motor run ♪

♪ I'm gonna let it let it ripto the tippy tippy top ♪

♪ Shit starts poppin' thereain't no way to make it stop ♪

♪ Oh what I what IWhat I gotta do ♪

♪ What I gotta do to getthat [BLEEP] in my mouth ♪

You ever seen a pussy before?

Bullshit! I said--

♪ What I what IWhat I gotta do ♪

♪ What I gotta do to get that[BLEEP] in my mouth ♪

♪ Said what I what IWhat I gotta do ♪

♪ What I gotta do to getthat [BLEEP] in my mouth ♪

♪ What I what IWhat I gotta do ♪

♪ What I gotta do to get that[BLEEP] in my mouth ♪

Who needs Tinder?

♪ What I what I gottaWhat I gotta do ♪

Ssh.

What-- what I gotta do?

Where's Jonah?Where's Jonah?

♪ What I what IWhat I gotta do ♪

♪ What I gotta do to getthat [BLEEP] in my mouth ♪

Brody!

♪ What I what IWhat I gotta do ♪

♪ What I gotta do to get that[BLEEP] in my mouth ♪

Hey, since we're all likefriends and stuff,I want to, uh--

Y'all really think Bill Cosbydid that shit?

Listen, I don't care either way,I would go over Uncle Phil.

I'm just trying to figure outwhere you guys are at with thiswhole thing.

My whole problem with theBill Cosby case is...

I remember when there were like27 alleg-- other than the rape,of course, but--

I remember when there was like27 allegations against him.

A bunch of misogynisticdudes were like...

"He probably didn't rapeall 27 of them."

He probably only got like six.

You know how bitches be lyin',tryin' to get money--

Blah-blah-blah--

Okay, with that logic,maybe he didn't rape 27 women.

But with that logic, that meanshe still raped six women, brah.

Six for 27 ain't good numbers,but they're still Kobe numbers,you know what I'm saying?

Numbers are on the boardis the problem.

This is great, man.

I didn't likeBlack History Month.

I've been thinking, we shouldjust be a part of the culture.

You shouldn't just subsectionus off to this little partwhere we get the--

And I didn't get shitin the mail.

Right? I didn't evenget anything. What?

At best, in Black History Month,everyone in school has to readLangston Hughes poems.

Google's homepage uses blackpeople as the letters.

You know what I'm talking about?

Where it's the "G"and the "O" and the "E"s...

always a [BLEEP] on a trumpet.

Bah-bah-bah-bah...

bah-bah, bah-bah,unh-unh, unh-unh, unh...

It's not my reparations, dawg.

Herpes ain't that bad.

It doesn't kill you,which is very nice of herpes.Good lookin' out.

Herpes is just physical regret.

It's just regret you can feel.

Herpes is-- herpes is like...

"Remember that time you [BLEEP]up? Well, you will forever."

That's exactly what herpes--just reminds you of the negat--

or that positive moment.

You can get herpesfrom something positive.

Like, is herpes that bad,if you get it from Beyonce?

You know what I'm saying?You're with your friend, like...

"Ow, my herpes is enflamed."He's like, "Ew, you got herpes?"

"Yeah, from that timeI [BLEEP] Beyonce."