Esparza, Shea, Levy, Kappa

  • 12/09/2005

Damon Wayans stars in Premium Blend featuring Felipe Esparza, Kevin Shea, Val Kappa, & Dan Levy.

I'M SCARED TO DEATH OF FLYING. YOU KNOW TERRORISM.

YOU KNOW I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW TO GET THE PEOPLE

TO BLOW THEMSELVES UP. THAT'S A TOUGH SELL.

THEY SAY WHAT, 15 VIRGINS WHEN YOU GET TO HEAVEN.

THAT DON'T WORKHERE IN AMERICA.

GIVE ME ONE GOOD HOLE RIGHT HERE ON EARTH.

YOU KNOW, GET TO HEAVEN AND STILL CAN'T GET NONE.

LIKE, "COME ON GIRL, I BLEW MYSELF UP."

- "NA-AH, I'M A VIRGIN." - [LAUGHTER]

AND WOMEN STICK TOGETHER, TOO. THERE-- 15 OF THEM.

THEY JUST SHUT YOU DOWN.

THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT WOMEN. WOMEN ARE A SPECIAL SPECIES,

BECAUSE TOGETHER, FROM THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN,

Y'ALL ARE THE BEST FRIENDSIN THE WORLD. YOU KNOW?

WOMEN CAN DO STUFF WITH EACH OTHER THAT IT'S JUST UNACCEPTABLE--

Y'ALL GO TO CLUBS AND DANCE TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW? BE RUBBING ALL UP EACH OTHER, GRABBING LIKE--

DUDES DON'T DO THAT. IT'S UNACCEPTABLE.

WOMEN ARE ACTUALLY TAKING SHOWERS WITH EACH OTHER.

IT'S LIKE,"YOU GOT NICE BREASTS, SALLY."

"NO, THEY'RE NICE. LOOK AT THIS. THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

SO WHAT, ONE HANGS LOWER THAN THE OTHER,

IT'S BEAUTIFUL."

DUDES DON'T DO THAT.

IT'S LIKE "YOU GOT NICE BALLS, HENRY.

NO, SO WHAT, ONE HANGS LOWERTHAN THE OTHER, IT'S NICE, MAN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A LOT OF PRESSURE ON MEN THESE DAYS TO BE WELL ENDOWED.

THEY SELL THESE MAGNUM CONDOMS NOW.

YOU KNOW IF YOUPULL OUT A SMALL CONDOM,

WOMEN DON'T EVEN WANNAMESS WITH YOU, YOU KNOW.

I WAS IN THE STORE AND I SAW AN ASIAN DUDE ABOUT THIS BIG,

- BUYING MAGNUMS. - [LAUGHTER]

- I'M LIKE COME ON, WANG. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE COULD PUT HIS PENIS, HIS BALLS,

AND ASS CHEEKS IN THERE. PUT THE CONDOM ON LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT FEELING TOO GOOD RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE MY MOM AND DAD ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.

AND I'M SCARED.BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHOI COULD LIVE WITH NOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S GONNA BE A CUSTODY BATTLE.

BECAUSE NEITHER ONE OF THEM WANT ME.

[LAUGHTER]

I LIVE AT HOME FOR ONE REASON.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO ANSWERTHE PHONE IN ENGLISH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE MY DAD. HE USED TO WALK AROUND THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD

AND COLLECT OLD FURNITURE AND BRING IT HOME AND FIX IT

LIKE MACGYVER,WITH DUCT TAPE.

ONE TIME, HE BROUGHT A TELEVISION HOME.

I SAID, "DAMN, THAT TV GOT 400 CHANNELS."

WHEN I GOT OLDER, IT DIDN'T HAVE 400 CHANNELS.

IT WAS A KNOB FROM THE OVEN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

MY FAVORITE CHANNEL WAS 300 DEGREES.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE MY DAD. HE USED TO BE A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER IN MEXICO.

SO, IT WAS COOL GROWING UPWITH HIM BECAUSE WHEN HE HIT US,

- HE DIDN'T REALLY HIT US. - [LAUGHTER]

HE'D BE LIKE, "STOP IT.

- HEY MA, HE TOUCHED MY HAND." - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THE WAR IN IRAQ IS STILL GOING ON.

THE BRITISH ARE HELPING.MEXICO WANTS TO HELP.

BUT THEY NEED A RIDE OVER THERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT A TICKET IN BEVERLY HILLS. AND WHEN YOU GET A TICKET,

THE POLICE DO NOT PULL YOU OVER.

THERE'S A CAMERATHAT TAKES A PHOTOGRAPH

OF YOU RUNNING THE RED LIGHT. THEN YOU GET IT IN THE MAIL.

IT LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE PICTURES YOU GET AT SIX FLAGS.

COMING DOWN A ROLLER COASTER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS. MY FRIEND CARLOS WAS LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO NOW I HAVE TO GO TO COURT.

"ALL RIGHT. MR. ESPARZA." FIVE PEOPLE GET UP.

- "IT'S ME, FOOL." - [LAUGHTER]

"YOU HAVE A WARRANT FOR $5,000. WHATCH YOU GONNA DO?"

YOU KNOW, LATINOS AND BLACKS, WE GET NERVOUS.

WE START LOOKING AT THE AUDIENCE FOR HELP.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE SEE, RICH PEOPLE BRING A LAWYER.

LATINOS AND BLACKS BRING THEIR MOM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOTTA LOSE WEIGHT, MAN.

I GOT STRETCH MARKS ON MY STOMACH.

AND I NEVER HAD A BABY.SO NOW WHEN I TAKE OFF

MY SHIRT IN FRONT OF WOMEN,

I TELL THEM THAT I WAS ATTACKED BY A MOUNTAIN LION.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU SHOULDA SEEN THIS CAT. SSSRRRR!

SHE TOOK OFF HER CLOTHES.

I SAID, MAN, WE BETTER FIND THESE CATS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO NOW I LIVE IN HOLLYWOOD. I GO OUT WITH GAY MEN.

IT'S OKAY. THOSE GUYS KNOW HOW TO TREAT A MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

MY BROTHER'S GAY SO I COULD SAY THAT JOKE.

- HE GAVE ME THE PINK LIGHT. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S WEIRD. I WAS HAVING LUNCH WITH MY BROTHER

AND THEN HISGAY BOYFRIEND SHOWS UP.AND THAT PISSES ME OFF

BECAUSE MY BROTHER COULD DO BETTER THAN THAT GUY.

THEY START MAKING OUT IN FRONT OF ME.

AND THEN THAT BOTHERED ME. AND THE MORE IT BOTHERED ME

I LOOK GAY. I'M LIKE,"OH, MY GOD. TIME OUT."

I WAS EMBARRASSED BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE FEELING SORRY FOR ME.

"OH, LOOK. THAT FAT GAYTHIRD WHEEL RIGHT THERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOMEBODY SHOULD HOOK HIM UP."

THEN WOMEN LOOK AT MY BROTHER BECAUSE HE'S HOT.

AND THEY GET UPSET. "HE'S GAY? WHAT A WASTE."

I SAY, "HEY, I'M NOT GAY." "WHAT A SHAME."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I DON'T LIKE GOING TO DOCTORS

'CAUSE I'M AFRAID WHAT THEY'RE GONNA TELL ME. I DON'T LIKE DOCTORS.

I DON'T LIKE ANY PROFESSION THAT WEARS THAT WHITE JACKETS.

I DON'T EVEN LOOK COOKS,TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

BUT I WAS AT THE DENTIST THE OTHER DAY AND HE WAS LIKE,

"KEVIN, YOU GOT GINGIVITIS."

- I WAS LIKE, "DAMMIT. - [LAUGHTER]

I SHOULDA WORE A CONDOM."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT WAS AWFUL. FOR LIKE A MONTH STRAIGHT,

I JUST CALLED EVERY GIRLI EVER SLEPT WITH.

I WAS LIKE, "HEY.

I THINK I GAVE YOU GINGIVITIS.

YOU BETTER GET THAT CHECKED OUT."

[LAUGHTER]

SO I GOT THIS MANAGER. AND SHE TAKES CARE OF ME-- SUPPOSEDLY.

I CALL "TAKING CARE OF"IS NAGGING.

SHE'S LIKE, "KEVIN, YOU SHOULD CUT BACK ON THE DRINKING.

ALCOHOL'S A DRUG." ALCOHOL'S A DRUG.

- ALCOHOL'S A DRUG. - [LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S A LOAD OF GARBAGE,

'CAUSE I'VE NEVER HAD TO TAKE FOOD OR MILK WITH IT."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WHAT IF THAT WAS TRUE, WHAT IF YOU

HAD TO GO TO THE DOCTOR TO GET PRESCRIBED ALCOHOL?

"SO, KEVIN,WHAT'S THE WHISKEY FOR?"

"WELL, I LIKE TO SLEEP WITH UGLY CHICKS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOME PEOPLE DRINK. SOME PEOPLE GAMBLE.

OTHER PEOPLE WHITEN THEIR TEETH.

WHATEVER YOU DOIS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

BUT I GOT THIS NEW DRUG. IT'S CALLED THE INTERNET.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER HEARD OF THAT.

'CAUSE ONE MINUTE YOU'RE SITTING DOWN

TO CHECK YOUR EMAIL. FOUR HOURS LATER,

YOUR PANTS ARE DOWN TO YOUR ANKLES...

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND YOU FEELALL AWKWARD AND LONELY.

AND YOU KNOW YOU SHOULDGET UP AND WALK AWAY.

BUT YOU CAN'T 'CAUSE YOU'RE WAITING FOR THAT BID

ON YOUR ALF T-SHIRT ON eBAY TO GO THROUGH.

LIKE, "THIS IS GONNA LOOK SWEET WITH MY DeLOREAN, MY GOD."

BUT YOU NEVER GET THAT T-SHIRT, 'CAUSE SOME DOUCHE BAG

IN THE MIDWEST OUTBIDS YOUBY LIKE A NICKEL.

AND YOU'RE ALL EMOTIONAL AND UPSET.

SO, YOU START YELLING ATTHE MONITOR LIKE A MADMAN, LIKE,

SCREW YOU, CAT25-44-BA...

- UNDERSCORE. MEOW. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO LIKE DAMON WAS SAYING, I'M ADOPTED BY WHITE PEOPLE,

- YOU KNOW, THE DEVILS. -[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE COOL. THEY ADOPTED A BUNCH OF US.

IT'S LIKE THEY WERE COLLECTING US OR SOMETHING,

LIKE STAR WARS FIGURES.THEY BOUGHT US IN TWOS.

IT SUCKED FOR MY BROTHER,'CAUSE THEY KEPT HIM IN THE BOX.

- [LAUGHTER] - THEY HAD TO.

HE CAME WITH THE HELMET AND THE BACKPACK.

- HE WAS LIMITED EDITION. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS SUCH A MEAN LITTLE KID.I WAS LIKE, "DAD, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY REAL FATHER."

HE'S LIKE, "WATCH YOUR MOUTH, BOY. I STILL GOT THE RECEIPT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I WILL AUCTION YOUR ASS ON eBAY."

I'M LIKE, "eBAY?" I'M LIKE, "BITCH, ARE YOU CAT25-44-B?"

I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN A BIT. EVERY TIME I'M HERE

I ALWAYS TAKE THE SUBWAY, WHICH I LOVE.

AND I DID THAT ONCE,

AND A GIRL CAME AND SAT ACROSS FROM ME AND SHE WENT, "HEY, I'M A LESBIAN, TOO."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'S AWESOME,

BUT I'M ACTUALLY NOT A LESBIAN." AND SHE WENT,

"WELL, YOU KIND OF LOOK LIKE ONE."

I WAS LIKE, "HOW DOES SOMEBODY LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN?

HOW DO I LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN?" AND SHE SAID, "WELL,

"YOU'RE WEARING RAINBOW FLAGAROUND YOUR HEAD LIKE A TURBAN.

AND YOU'RE WEARING THAT T-SHIRT THAT SAYS

[BLEEP]-A-LICIOUS...

ON IT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "I THINK YOU NEED TO STOP JUDGING...

ME."

AND I POWER-WALKEDTHE REST OF THE WAY HOME

FROM MANHATTAN TO BROOKLYN. WHICH IS QUITE A HIKE,

IF YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW THAT.

BUT MORE ABOUT ME. I TURNED 27 THIS YEAR.

AND ON THE DAY I TURNED 27 A LITTLE BOY CAME UP TO ME

ON THE STREET AND SAID,"EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

DO YOU HAVE THE TIME? SO I WAS LIKE.

"YEAH, I'LL GIVE YOU THE TIME, SIR."

SO I WROTE THE TIME DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER,

AND I STUCK ITTO HIS FOREHEAD

WITH A PIECE OF GUM I WAS CHEWING ON.

AND THIS IS WHAT TIME I TOLD HIM IT WAS

- "IT'S TIME TO DIE." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT STORY'S NOT EVEN TRUE.

SORRY. I WAS TRYING TO MAKE A STRONG IMPRESSION.

LET ME FIND OUTABOUT YOU GUYS.

ANYBODY HEREEVER GO TO HIGH SCHOOL?

- HIGH SCHOOL? YEAH?- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY. YEAH. YOU LOOK LIKETHAT KINDA BUNCH.

I WENT THERE TOO, AND I WAS VOTED CLASS CLOWN,

BUT I WASN'T THENORMAL KINDA CLASS CLOWN.

LIKE I NEVER OWNED A WHOOPEE CUSHION

OR SPAT A SPITBALL, I WAS TOO POLITE.

INSTEAD I'D SITAND JUST RAISE MY HANDS

AND SAY THINGS TO MY TEACHERS LIKE,

I THINK WE'VE ALL HEARD ENOUGH OF YOUR CRAP, HONKY TONK.

[LAUGHTER]

HONKY TONK.

THAT'S HOW I GOT MY LAUGHS BACK THEN.

I GOT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE WHEN I WAS 16.

AND THE DAY I GOT IT I WAS DRIVING MY CAR

THROUGH A PARKING LOTAND I HIT A PARKED CAR.

NORMALLY WHEN YOU DO THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT

A NOTE ON THE CAR THAT SAYS "WHOOPS. SORRY."

BUT MY NOTE SAID SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

IT SAID, "YOU KNOW YOU WANTED IT."

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T LIVE HERE. I LIVE IN L.A. NOW.

IT'S KINDA WEIRD LIVING IN L.A., BECAUSE EVERYONE'S

SO IN SHOW BUSINESS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THIS GUY GAVE ME HIS BUSINESS CARD THE OTHER DAY.

IT SAID, "ACTOR/WRITER PRODUCER/DIRECTOR/RAPPER."

AND HE GOES, "YO, DAWG, CALL ME FOR WEED."

- I WAS LIKE, ALL RIGHT. - [LAUGHTER]

I DON'T REALLY DO DRUGS. ONE DRUG I DON'T DO IS HEROIN.

ANYONE DOING HEROIN TONIGHT BY ROUND OF APPLAUSE. NO?

YOU KNOW WHY, 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T BRAG ABOUT HEROIN. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

YOU CAN BRAG ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE.

LIKE DRINKING.LIKE, OH, MAN LAST NIGHTWE GOT SO DRUNK,

WE STOLE A GOAT, PAINTED IT AND KICKED IT.

HA, HA, HA, HA.OR LIKE WEED.

LIKE, OH, MAN LAST NIGHTWE SMOKED SO MUCH WEED

WE WATCHED TV FOR LIKE 12 HOURS.

AND THEN WE REALIZED IT WASN'T EVEN ON.

BUT IT WAS THE BEST CSI EPISODE I EVER SAW IN MY LIFE.

BUT YOU CAN'T BRAGABOUT HEROIN, YOU KNOW.

YOU CAN'T BE LIKE, MAN, LAST NIGHT WE DID SO MUCH HEROIN,

HA, HA, HA. EDDIE DIED. YEAH. IT WAS AWESOME. YEAH.

THERE WAS BLOOD COMING OUT OF HIS NOSE AND EVERYTHING.

I SUPPORT THE TROOPSBUT I COULD NEVER FIGHT,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I WATCH THOSE ARMY MOVIES. THOSE GUYS ARE SO BRAVE.

THEY GET SHOT.THEY DON'T CARE.

IT'S LIKE OH, I'M SHOT! RUN AWAY. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IF I GET SHOT, I'M IN THE CORE OF THE DESERT

- PEEING IN MY MOUTH. - [LAUGHTER]

THAT IS RIGHT, PEEING IN MY MOUTH.

'CAUSE I DON'T CAREHOW EVIL THE BAD GUY IS,

NO ONE'S GONNA HURT A MAN PEEING IN HIS MOUTH. RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY WALK OVER LIKE, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA--

OOOOWE! WHAT IS THIS? PEE IN THE MOUTH?

EWOOO. GROSS.

I'M ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT SEX.

MY FRIENDSARE ALWAYS TALKING SEX.AND THEY'RE KINDA FUNNY

'CAUSE THEY'RE LIKE EMBARRASSED TO BUY CONDOMS.

THEY'RE LIKE SCARED TO BUY CONDOMS.

BUT I LOVE BEING CONDOMS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

'CAUSE IF YOU'RE BUYING CONDOMS,YOU'RE PROBABLY HAVING SEX.

IF YOU'RE HAVING SEX YOU'RE AWESOME.

SO WHEN I BUY CONDOMS. I MAKE IT A BIG DEAL.

I KICK DOWN THE DOOR AND I'M LIKE [CRASHING SOUNDS]

HELLOOOOOO CVS!

WHERE IS THE CONDOM AISLE?!

I'LL BUMP INTO PEOPLE,I'M LIKE, OH EXCUSE ME,

I'M JUST BUYING CONDOMS FOR INTERCOURSE WITH GIRLS. YEAH!

I START DRY HUMPING THE CLERK. "JUST GETTING READY!

JUST GETTING READY!" BUT MY FAVORITE THING TO DO IS

I RIP OFF THE PRICE TAG SO THE CLERK GETS ALL FREAKED OUT.

HE'S LIKE, "WHAT THE-- '[BOOP] WE NEED A PRICE CHECK

ON THE CONDOMS.'"

"YEAH WE DO! 'CAUSE I NEED 'EM."

BUYING CONDOMS IS NOT EMBARRASSING.

WEARING CONDOMS IS EMBARRASSING.YOU KNOW HOW MANY DATES

I'VE RUINED SHOWING UP WITH A CONDOM ON?

GIRLS HATE THAT. THEY'RE LIKE, "WHERE'S YOUR PANTS?"

I'M LIKE, "SHUT UP. HEY, GET IN THE CAR."

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