Esparza, Shea, Levy, Kappa

  • Season 9, Ep 908
  • 12/09/2005

Felipe Esparza compares the courtroom to a game show, Kevin Shea describes Internet addiction, Dan Levy can't brag about heroin, and Val Kappa reveals that he's a class clown.

I'M SCARED TO DEATH OF FLYING. YOU KNOW TERRORISM.

YOU KNOW I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW TO GET THE PEOPLE

TO BLOW THEMSELVES UP. THAT'S A TOUGH SELL.

THEY SAY WHAT, 15 VIRGINS WHEN YOU GET TO HEAVEN.

THAT DON'T WORKHERE IN AMERICA.

GIVE ME ONE GOOD HOLE RIGHT HERE ON EARTH.

YOU KNOW, GET TO HEAVEN AND STILL CAN'T GET NONE.

LIKE, "COME ON GIRL, I BLEW MYSELF UP."

- "NA-AH, I'M A VIRGIN." - [LAUGHTER]

AND WOMEN STICK TOGETHER, TOO. THERE-- 15 OF THEM.

THEY JUST SHUT YOU DOWN.

THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT WOMEN. WOMEN ARE A SPECIAL SPECIES,

BECAUSE TOGETHER, FROM THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN,

Y'ALL ARE THE BEST FRIENDSIN THE WORLD. YOU KNOW?

WOMEN CAN DO STUFF WITH EACH OTHER THAT IT'S JUST UNACCEPTABLE--

Y'ALL GO TO CLUBS AND DANCE TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW? BE RUBBING ALL UP EACH OTHER, GRABBING LIKE--

DUDES DON'T DO THAT. IT'S UNACCEPTABLE.

WOMEN ARE ACTUALLY TAKING SHOWERS WITH EACH OTHER.

IT'S LIKE,"YOU GOT NICE BREASTS, SALLY."

"NO, THEY'RE NICE. LOOK AT THIS. THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

SO WHAT, ONE HANGS LOWER THAN THE OTHER,

IT'S BEAUTIFUL."

DUDES DON'T DO THAT.

IT'S LIKE "YOU GOT NICE BALLS, HENRY.

NO, SO WHAT, ONE HANGS LOWERTHAN THE OTHER, IT'S NICE, MAN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A LOT OF PRESSURE ON MEN THESE DAYS TO BE WELL ENDOWED.

THEY SELL THESE MAGNUM CONDOMS NOW.

YOU KNOW IF YOUPULL OUT A SMALL CONDOM,

WOMEN DON'T EVEN WANNAMESS WITH YOU, YOU KNOW.

I WAS IN THE STORE AND I SAW AN ASIAN DUDE ABOUT THIS BIG,

- BUYING MAGNUMS. - [LAUGHTER]

- I'M LIKE COME ON, WANG. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE COULD PUT HIS PENIS, HIS BALLS,

AND ASS CHEEKS IN THERE. PUT THE CONDOM ON LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT FEELING TOO GOOD RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE MY MOM AND DAD ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.

AND I'M SCARED.BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHOI COULD LIVE WITH NOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S GONNA BE A CUSTODY BATTLE.

BECAUSE NEITHER ONE OF THEM WANT ME.

[LAUGHTER]

I LIVE AT HOME FOR ONE REASON.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO ANSWERTHE PHONE IN ENGLISH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE MY DAD. HE USED TO WALK AROUND THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD

AND COLLECT OLD FURNITURE AND BRING IT HOME AND FIX IT

LIKE MACGYVER,WITH DUCT TAPE.

ONE TIME, HE BROUGHT A TELEVISION HOME.

I SAID, "DAMN, THAT TV GOT 400 CHANNELS."

WHEN I GOT OLDER, IT DIDN'T HAVE 400 CHANNELS.

IT WAS A KNOB FROM THE OVEN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

MY FAVORITE CHANNEL WAS 300 DEGREES.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE MY DAD. HE USED TO BE A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER IN MEXICO.

SO, IT WAS COOL GROWING UPWITH HIM BECAUSE WHEN HE HIT US,

- HE DIDN'T REALLY HIT US. - [LAUGHTER]

HE'D BE LIKE, "STOP IT.

- HEY MA, HE TOUCHED MY HAND." - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THE WAR IN IRAQ IS STILL GOING ON.

THE BRITISH ARE HELPING.MEXICO WANTS TO HELP.

BUT THEY NEED A RIDE OVER THERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT A TICKET IN BEVERLY HILLS. AND WHEN YOU GET A TICKET,

THE POLICE DO NOT PULL YOU OVER.

THERE'S A CAMERATHAT TAKES A PHOTOGRAPH

OF YOU RUNNING THE RED LIGHT. THEN YOU GET IT IN THE MAIL.

IT LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE PICTURES YOU GET AT SIX FLAGS.

COMING DOWN A ROLLER COASTER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS. MY FRIEND CARLOS WAS LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO NOW I HAVE TO GO TO COURT.

"ALL RIGHT. MR. ESPARZA." FIVE PEOPLE GET UP.

- "IT'S ME, FOOL." - [LAUGHTER]

"YOU HAVE A WARRANT FOR $5,000. WHATCH YOU GONNA DO?"

YOU KNOW, LATINOS AND BLACKS, WE GET NERVOUS.

WE START LOOKING AT THE AUDIENCE FOR HELP.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE SEE, RICH PEOPLE BRING A LAWYER.

LATINOS AND BLACKS BRING THEIR MOM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOTTA LOSE WEIGHT, MAN.

I GOT STRETCH MARKS ON MY STOMACH.

AND I NEVER HAD A BABY.SO NOW WHEN I TAKE OFF

MY SHIRT IN FRONT OF WOMEN,

I TELL THEM THAT I WAS ATTACKED BY A MOUNTAIN LION.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU SHOULDA SEEN THIS CAT. SSSRRRR!

SHE TOOK OFF HER CLOTHES.

I SAID, MAN, WE BETTER FIND THESE CATS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO NOW I LIVE IN HOLLYWOOD. I GO OUT WITH GAY MEN.

IT'S OKAY. THOSE GUYS KNOW HOW TO TREAT A MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

MY BROTHER'S GAY SO I COULD SAY THAT JOKE.

- HE GAVE ME THE PINK LIGHT. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S WEIRD. I WAS HAVING LUNCH WITH MY BROTHER

AND THEN HISGAY BOYFRIEND SHOWS UP.AND THAT PISSES ME OFF

BECAUSE MY BROTHER COULD DO BETTER THAN THAT GUY.

THEY START MAKING OUT IN FRONT OF ME.

AND THEN THAT BOTHERED ME. AND THE MORE IT BOTHERED ME

I LOOK GAY. I'M LIKE,"OH, MY GOD. TIME OUT."

I WAS EMBARRASSED BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE FEELING SORRY FOR ME.

"OH, LOOK. THAT FAT GAYTHIRD WHEEL RIGHT THERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOMEBODY SHOULD HOOK HIM UP."

THEN WOMEN LOOK AT MY BROTHER BECAUSE HE'S HOT.

AND THEY GET UPSET. "HE'S GAY? WHAT A WASTE."

I SAY, "HEY, I'M NOT GAY." "WHAT A SHAME."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I DON'T LIVE HERE. I LIVE IN L.A. NOW.

IT'S KINDA WEIRD LIVING IN L.A., BECAUSE EVERYONE'S

SO IN SHOW BUSINESS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THIS GUY GAVE ME HIS BUSINESS CARD THE OTHER DAY.

IT SAID, "ACTOR/WRITER PRODUCER/DIRECTOR/RAPPER."

AND HE GOES, "YO, DAWG, CALL ME FOR WEED."

- I WAS LIKE, ALL RIGHT. - [LAUGHTER]

I DON'T REALLY DO DRUGS. ONE DRUG I DON'T DO IS HEROIN.

ANYONE DOING HEROIN TONIGHT BY ROUND OF APPLAUSE. NO?

YOU KNOW WHY, 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T BRAG ABOUT HEROIN. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

YOU CAN BRAG ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE.

LIKE DRINKING.LIKE, OH, MAN LAST NIGHTWE GOT SO DRUNK,

WE STOLE A GOAT, PAINTED IT AND KICKED IT.

HA, HA, HA, HA.OR LIKE WEED.

LIKE, OH, MAN LAST NIGHTWE SMOKED SO MUCH WEED

WE WATCHED TV FOR LIKE 12 HOURS.

AND THEN WE REALIZED IT WASN'T EVEN ON.

BUT IT WAS THE BEST CSI EPISODE I EVER SAW IN MY LIFE.

BUT YOU CAN'T BRAGABOUT HEROIN, YOU KNOW.

YOU CAN'T BE LIKE, MAN, LAST NIGHT WE DID SO MUCH HEROIN,

HA, HA, HA. EDDIE DIED. YEAH. IT WAS AWESOME. YEAH.

THERE WAS BLOOD COMING OUT OF HIS NOSE AND EVERYTHING.

I SUPPORT THE TROOPSBUT I COULD NEVER FIGHT,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I WATCH THOSE ARMY MOVIES. THOSE GUYS ARE SO BRAVE.

THEY GET SHOT.THEY DON'T CARE.

IT'S LIKE OH, I'M SHOT! RUN AWAY. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IF I GET SHOT, I'M IN THE CORE OF THE DESERT

- PEEING IN MY MOUTH. - [LAUGHTER]

THAT IS RIGHT, PEEING IN MY MOUTH.

'CAUSE I DON'T CAREHOW EVIL THE BAD GUY IS,

NO ONE'S GONNA HURT A MAN PEEING IN HIS MOUTH. RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY WALK OVER LIKE, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA--

OOOOWE! WHAT IS THIS? PEE IN THE MOUTH?

EWOOO. GROSS.

I'M ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT SEX.

MY FRIENDSARE ALWAYS TALKING SEX.AND THEY'RE KINDA FUNNY

'CAUSE THEY'RE LIKE EMBARRASSED TO BUY CONDOMS.

THEY'RE LIKE SCARED TO BUY CONDOMS.

BUT I LOVE BEING CONDOMS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

'CAUSE IF YOU'RE BUYING CONDOMS,YOU'RE PROBABLY HAVING SEX.

IF YOU'RE HAVING SEX YOU'RE AWESOME.

SO WHEN I BUY CONDOMS. I MAKE IT A BIG DEAL.

I KICK DOWN THE DOOR AND I'M LIKE [CRASHING SOUNDS]

HELLOOOOOO CVS!

WHERE IS THE CONDOM AISLE?!

I'LL BUMP INTO PEOPLE,I'M LIKE, OH EXCUSE ME,

I'M JUST BUYING CONDOMS FOR INTERCOURSE WITH GIRLS. YEAH!

I START DRY HUMPING THE CLERK. "JUST GETTING READY!

JUST GETTING READY!" BUT MY FAVORITE THING TO DO IS

I RIP OFF THE PRICE TAG SO THE CLERK GETS ALL FREAKED OUT.

HE'S LIKE, "WHAT THE-- '[BOOP] WE NEED A PRICE CHECK

ON THE CONDOMS.'"

"YEAH WE DO! 'CAUSE I NEED 'EM."

BUYING CONDOMS IS NOT EMBARRASSING.

WEARING CONDOMS IS EMBARRASSING.YOU KNOW HOW MANY DATES

I'VE RUINED SHOWING UP WITH A CONDOM ON?

GIRLS HATE THAT. THEY'RE LIKE, "WHERE'S YOUR PANTS?"

I'M LIKE, "SHUT UP. HEY, GET IN THE CAR."