Russ Meneve, April Macie, Ralphie May

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 05/03/2014

Dave Attell enlists Artie Lange to kick off the dirty show with stand-up sets from Russ Meneve, April Macie and Ralphie May.

This is like a greatplace to have like

a surprise partyfor a meth cook.

You know whatI'm saying?

It's dark anddank and evil.

Let's see what we got.

So how are youguys doing? All right?

Yeah.(Dave)All right, cool.

This is like the energy ofthe line at Whole Foods.

Let's move over.

Then there'sMumford & Sons.

It's good to seeyou guys out.

I don't know what you'relaughing at, Harry Potter.

It's amazing.

What's your name, man?

Keenan.(Dave)Keenan.

Of c-- It wouldhave to be.

Now, what I like about youis you've got like the look

of a scientist but theshirt of a pro bowler.

I love that.

Now, Keenan, would you mindbeing the camera

person for the show?

Sweet, here you go.

(man)Keenan!

I-- I'm not worriedat all about you.

Nice.

Somehow, not only do you knowhow to use that camera,

but build that camera.

You know what I need?I need some backup.

I need a guy to help us breakthe cherry here tonight.

To start out this circus,this carnival of filth.

Are you guys ready?

We're gonna bringout a guy to help me.

Please welcome,Artie Lange, everybody.

Artie Lange!

How 'bout that?

You like that, Keenan!

Thank you, Dave.Thank you.

Thank you.(Dave)Artie.

Nice.Thank you very much.

Tonight, uh, because we havea real like edgy atmosphere,

I'll be going bymy porn name.

(Dave)Oh, what is that?

Obese Witherspoon.

Now, Artie, you're gonna tellus the first dirty, naughty,

filthy joke of thenight, are you ready?Right.

You asked me to-- to tellthe first dirty joke,

so I wrote somestuff down.Oh.

Oh, here we go.

I'm always prepared,I'm always prepared.

Is everything good,are you ready?

Okay, good.

You can move itaround a little bit.

It's not a recital, okay?

You can move it around.

Oh, is hethe camera guy?(Dave)Yeah.

This is Keenan.

Oh, okay.Keenan, this is Artie.

You handle a cylindricalblack thing very well.

(Dave)Well.

Edgy.

So, Artie, youready to hit us?

All right, are you ready?Uh, how about this?

When is a handjob a blow job?

(Dave)When?

When the womanis deaf.

(Dave)Oh, come on, that'sfucking funny.

What are you guys, whatwere you doing all day?

Rescuing pugsor something?

Come on.

You got more?You got another one?

All right, howabout this one?

What's the worst partof dating a girl

with an eating disorder?

What?

She'll throw upthe morning after pill.

True!

Everybody, Artie Lange.Obese Witherspoon!

China and Japan'shaving problems.

North Korea,anybody afraid?

Look, no onecares in here.

You should.

Just because their missiles aresmaller and thinner and less

satisfying.

Guys especially,help me out with this.

With all the chaos and thefreak, random disorder in the

world, isn't it amazing howabsolutely perfect that seam

is that runs downyour nut sack?

Nobody saw thatpunchline coming, huh?

Did you know that your nutsack can help you survive

an elephant attack?Did you know that?

Now, I have yourattention, huh, sir?

When the elephant'sgot you pinned down,

you take out yournut sack, all right?

And you pray that the cool airtightens it up so that it has

that elephant skin look.

And, he thinks thatyou're one of him.

But, I always getout of fights, people.

Always.

And, guys, take this withyou, it always works.

When a guy asks you to stepoutside, I'm always like,

no problem, buddy.

Let's go.

But, by law, I have to tellyou that I'm HIV positive.

I'm a bleeder,I cut like butter.

Let's do this, man.

(applause)

Ah, shit.

That's a lot of clapping.

All right, it's the ladyportion of the show.

And, yeah, I w--oh it's exciting.

I wish I had a dick too.

I do.

Do you like yourpenis, young man?

I love it.You love it.

Yeah, ya do, ya dirtyfucking pervert.

Yeah, ya do.

Men, you guys are taught to beproud of yourselves sexually,

right? Like, your dad pullsyou aside, how old?

Like 12, 13, right?

He's like,you're a man now.

You're a man.

I want you to get out thereand I want you to beat off,

young man,you're a man now.

Nobody ever pullstheir daughter aside.

Like, tiny circles, littlelady, tiny circles.

Yeah!

Yeah, make mommy proud.

Get out there anddiddle, little girl.

I didn't know.

I honestly didn't know that mendidn't experience shame with sex

the same waythat women do.

Until one day, my best friend,he called me one morning at

like 5:00 am andhe woke me up.

He was like, "April.

April.

I had sex with thisold woman last night."

And, then he said, "after I hadsex with her, she gave me stew

to take home ina Cool Whip container."

I was like, that'sreally gross.

Why are you wakingme up with this shit?

And, he said, "'cause I wantyou to come over for stew."

He wasn't ashamed.

He kept calling the stew, hisold lady crockpot sex treats.

And, it was delicious.

All right.

I play on television,

this is myfavorite one.

I want you toknow that.

A lot of men uh, lieto get women into bed.

Lie about what's gonnahappen, okay?

Not me, man.

I tell themthe fucking truth.

You know, 'cause goodgirls expect that shit.

Like, have you everheard this, right girls?

Girl, I'm gonna fuckyou all night long.

(laughs)

That's a fucking lie.

Okay? No way, you'renot getting that lie

to fall outof my mouth.

I tell women the truth.

Look, I'm gonna give you20 minutes of hard dicking.

And, then I'mgoing to sleep.

And, if you don't cum,I don't give a shit.

Okay?

I really don't.

I told you exactly how muchtime you had allotted for your

orgasm, 20 minutes,same as me.

That's allI need, bitch.

That's all youneed, okay?

I tell them, thinkof it like a race.

If you beat me tocumming, you win.

But, you need to understand,girls, I'm very competitive.

So, don'ttelegraph it, girl.

Keep it toyourself, okay?

Don't fuckingannounce it.

Oh, I'm about to cum!

I'll cheat.

I will, I'll cheat.

I'll stick a finger up my ownass and drop a load right there.

I ain't afraid.

Just to the first knuckle.

Nothing gay, sir,nothing gay.

Just a knuckle deep.

A little how you doin'?

Just pressingthe elevator button.

Just trying to get to the fifthfloor, you know what I'm saying?

Trick-or-treat.

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