Shovels Are for Digging

  • 04/02/2014

Ricky the Rocketship takes some friends to the moon, a paranoid and delusional homeless man hosts a talk show, and the "birds and the bees" talk gets an update.

ARE WE KILLER BEESOR JUST REGULAR BEES?

- HUH. I'M NOT SURE.

- WELL, HOW DO WE FIND OUT?I FEEL LIKE THAT'S IMPORTANT.

[upbeat music]

[gunfire and people screaming]

- SO, UM, HOW DID THAT FEEL?

- [drags on cigarette]

[exhales]

FOR THE MOST AWESOME-TASTIC,FUN-DORABLE ADVENTURE

OF A LIFETIME,WITH YOUR PAL...

- ME!I'M RICKY THE ROCKETSHIP.

- OH, GOD DAMN IT!I TORE MY ACHILLES!

- HEY, KIDS.- [screaming]

all: HEY, RICKY!

- I'M RICKY THE ROCKETSHIP,

THE HAPPIEST ROCKET SHIPON THE PLANET.

HOW WOULD YOU KIDS LIKE TO GOON A FUN SPACE ADVENTURE

TO THE MOON?

[all cheering]

OKAY, LET'S GO!

UH, ONE, TWO, THREE,FOUR, FIVE--

I'VE ONLY GOT ROOM FOR SIXIN HERE.

OH! THE ROPE!

THE REST OF YOU GRAB THIS ROPEAND HOLD ON TIGHT.

HERE WE GO!

both: [screaming]

- HOPE EVERYONE'S GOODBACK THERE.

MOON, HERE WE COME.

- UH, RICKY, IS THERE ANY OXYGENIN THE MAIN CABI--[coughs]

- OXY--WHAT?THERE'S NO SUCH THING.

I'M MADE OF MAGIC AND SCIENCE.

[all choking]

WE'RE HERE.WELCOME TO THE MOON!

ARE YOU KIDS READY TO PLAY?

I'M YOUR ANNOUNCER,JACK FLANNAGAN.

AND NOW, YOUR HOST, BOOT-[bleep] MCGILLICUTTY!

[cheers and applause]- AH, THANK YOU.

OH, YEAH, YOU'RE TOO KIND.PLEASE SIT!

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT.[censor bleeping]

[laughter]WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TODAY,

HUH, JACK? [giggles]

- OH, YES, BOOT-[bleep],A REAL WINNER.

- LET'S GET STARTEDWITH THE JOKES.

KNOCK, KNOCK. WHO'S THERE?BANANA. BANANA WHO?

BANANA SECRET GOVERNMENTTESTING FACILITY!

- [screams]

[both scream]

AH! LIKE IT!

[coughs]

[laughter and applause]

HERE'S SOMETHING IN THE NEWS:THE WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCED PLANS

TODAY TO BUILD A HIGHWAYTO THE MOON.

WHEN REACHED FOR COMMENT,A SPOKESPERSON SAID...

[grunting and farting]

[laughs]POLITICS, HUH, JACK?

- THEY'RE ALL A BUNCH OF CROOKS.

- ALL RIGHT, FOLKS,WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK,

BUT STICK AROUND,WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[cheers and applause]DUH, DUH, DUH.

I'M WALKING, I'M WALKING,I'M WALKING, I'M WALKING!

[tires screeching]NO.

[car horns honking]

- [bleep] YOU!

A-AND...WE'RE BACK.[cheering and late show music]

YO, I RECOGNIZE OUR NEXT GUESTFROM THE SIDE OF THE BUS.

PLEASE WELCOMEGUY ON THE SIDE OF THE BUS.

- HI, BOOT-[bleep], I'M JUSTA FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION.

BUH-BYE!

- DON'T FORGET ME,BOOT-[bleep].

- OH, HELLO, SCRAPEY.

- OH, I JUST WANTED TO PLUGMY NEW BOOK,

THE GOVERNMENT IS BRAINWASHING YOU AND YOU CAN'T STOP IT!

- AMEN, BROTHER.[cheers and applause]

HANDS DOWN,SMARTEST BUILDING I KNOW.

AND NOW FOR A SEGMENTCALLED "RAT SEX."

[cheers and applause]THAT'S--THAT'S--THAT'S RAT SEX.

RAT--RAT SEX.RAT SEX, RAT SEX, RAT SEX.

COME ON, YOU LITTLE SHITS!

[cheers and applause]

I INVENTED THAT SHIT.- THAT'S RIGHT, BOOT-[bleep].

YOU'RE LOVED BY EVERYONE.YOUR FATHER NEVER MOLESTED YOU.

YOU'RE AN A-PLUS WINNER!ISN'T THAT RIGHT, FOLKS?

[cheers and applause][spraying paint can]

EVERYTHING IS FINE.SMART, GREAT.

[woman screaming]

[car horns honking]YOU'RE GREAT, GREAT.

RAT SEX.[police siren wails]

- DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME.- BYE!

[incoherent nightmare voicesechoing]

- YOU'RE SICK.YOU'RE GONNA DIE.

- [screaming and whimpering]

[snores]

- AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE NOTGOING TO ART SCHOOL.

[phone ringing]- TRIPTANK.

[stomach grumbles]

OW.

- [humming cheerfully]

- [evil laugh]

- OH, CARROTS.

- NO!- [munching]

- [grunts]

- AHH.

- HUH?

OH!

[grunts]

[evil laugh]

[chuckles]

[shudders]

[gasps]

- OH! OH, GOD, HELP!

- I--- PLEASE HELP ME.

DO SOMETHING, DO ANYTHING.- I'M--I'M REALLY SORRY.

- [gasps] OH, GOD,YOU'RE DROOLING!

- UH, NO.I MEAN, I--IT'S--YES.

- OH, NO, NO!

- IT'S OKAY.- NO, NO, NO!

- GOD, I'M--I'M REALLY SORRY.

- [whimpers]AH!

- [chomp]

[whispering] OKAY.[shudders]

IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.EVERYTHING IS FINE.

IT'S--IT'S--IT'S JUST GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

[shuddering] OH, GOD,WHAT HAVE I DONE?

NO, IT'S FINE.EVERYTHING IS JUST--

OKAY, IT'S OKAY.

OH, MY GOD, WHAT--

NO, IT'S FINE. IT'S FINE.EVERYTHING IS OKAY.

I CAN DEAL WITH THIS.

[shuddering]

[stomach growling]

[cartoon music fanfare]

- YEAH, YOUR SON WAS INA PRETTY BAD CAR ACCIDENT.

- PLEASE, JUST TELL IT TO MESTRAIGHT, DOC.

- OH, OF COURSE, PARDON ME.

REGARDING YOUR SON, I FEARI DON'T HAVE ANY GOOD NEWS.

- OH, MY GOD.

- I MEAN, HIS ORGANSARE ALL [bleep], BRO.

- JUST TELL ME,IS MY SON GONNA BE OKAY?

- WELL, CONSIDERINGTHE STATE OF HIS--

UH, WHAT'S IT CALLED?- I DON'T KNOW.

- UH, THAT PART OF HIMTHAT IS MASHED INTO BITS,

UNRECOGNIZABLE MUSH--

- WHAT? I DON'T KNOW,I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.

- WELL, SPOILER ALERT.[laughs]

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY SON?- MM, WHAT IS IT?

OH, HIS HEAD...♪ SHOULDER, KNEES, AND TOES

♪ KNEES AND TOES - WHAT?

- ♪ HEAD, SHOULDER, KNEES,AND TOES ♪

♪ KNEES AND TOES

♪ AND HIS EYES AND HIS EARS - OH, MY GOD.

- ♪ AND HIS MOUTH AND NOSE - NO!

- ♪ YOUR SON IS JUST MUSH NOW - [sobs]

- ♪ SO G--MAKE ANOTHER BOY

- ♪ THREE ALIENSCAME FROM THE SKY ♪

♪ THE GALACTIC COUNCILSENT THEM ♪

all: ♪ AND HERE'STHE REASON WHY ♪

- ♪ THE MISSION IS TO STUDYEARTH'S MOST AVERAGE GU-UY ♪

- AH!all: ♪ TO SEE IF HUMANS

♪ ARE WORTH SAVINGOR IF EVERYONE HAS TO DIE ♪

- WAIT, WHAT?

I SEE.

UH-HUH.[phone beep]

[sobbing]

- LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S GOTA CASE OF "THE FROWNSIES."

- IT'S NOT "THE FROWNSIES,"OKAY?

MY MOM WAS JUST DIAGNOSEDWITH TERMINAL CANCER!

- OH, WE CAN CURE THAT,NO PROBLEM.

FOR US, THAT'S LIKETHE SNIFFLES.

- REALLY?- YOU'RE IN LUCK,

BECAUSE OUR ALIEN SEMEN...

- UH-HUH.- HAS THESE SPECIAL ENZYMES

IN IT, AND THEY'LLFIX YOUR MOM RIGHT UP.

- OH, GOD.OKAY, WELL, WHAT DO WE DO?

W-WE PUT IT IN A PILL,OR SOMETHING?

- GOSH, YOU'RE BADAT GUESSING, JEFF.

- SO--[coughs]HOW EXACTLY DOES THIS WORK?

- OKAY, THIS IS--THISIS GONNA SOUND INSANE, MOM,

BUT, UH,CHIEF WINDFEATHER HERE...

- HELLO.- HE, UH, HAS SPECIAL POWERS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE BUFFALO SPIRIT,AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

- UH-HUH.- BUT REALLY,

TO USE THESE POWERSTO THEIR FULL POTENTIAL,

HE HAS TO BE VERY,VERY CLOSE TO YOU--

INSIDE OF YOU ACTUALLY,AND, UH, YOU KNOW,

WHAT HE'S GONNA DO TO YOU,IT'S GONNA SEEM A LOT LIKE SEX,

BUT IT'S NOT SEX AT ALL.

IT'S JUSTAN ANCIENT, ANCIENT THERAPY

THAT IS GUARANTEED TO WORK.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, MOM?

- WELL, IT COULDN'T BE WORSETHAN CHEMO.

- [grunting]

- [whispering]WHAT IS GOING ON IN THERE?

- HUH, THAT IS MORE STUBBORNTHAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE,

I'LL BE HONEST.- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

- UH, HOW DO I, UH--

OH, A BOWLING BALLHAS THREE HOLES IN IT, RIGHT?

- YES.- OKAY,

SO IMAGINE HOW HARD IT WOULD BETO BOWL A GOOD GAME

WITH JUST ONE FINGER.- WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

- I NEED MY OTHER TWO FINGERSSO WE CAN GIVE HER

THE FULL TRIPLE-INJECTIONTREATMENT.

GUYS!

- [shuddering]OH.

[all grunting]

- HMPH!GUYS, THIS IS A MISTAKE.

I SHOULD'VE--- GOOD NEWS, JEFF--

NO, GREAT NEWS!- WE DID IT.

- [laughing] OH, THANK GOD!THAT'S AMAZING!

- SHE'LL NEVERGET CANKER SORES AGAIN!

- WHAT?- IT'S FUNNY,

YOU GUYS THINK THEY'RESUCH A BIG DEAL. FOR US--

- SHE DIDN'T HAVE CANKER SORES,YOU [bleep] IDIOTS!

SHE HAD CANCER! CAN-CER!- [gasps]

- WELL, THE ONLY CURE FOR THATIS THE TRIPLE FIST.

- NO!

[all humming][ethereal vibration]

- OHH.

- WHOA.- HONEY, IT'S ME.

HOW YOU FEELING?

- I FEEL AMAZING.

- WOW!YOU GUYS ARE INCREDIBLE.

HEY, LISTEN,I GOT A BUM HIP.

YOU THINK YOU COULD WORK SOMEOF YOUR MAGIC ON ME SOMETIME?

- LET THE TOURNAMENTOF FIGHTING STYLES...BEGIN!

[cheers and applause]

ROUND ONE.

IRON SHOGUN VERSUSTHE SHADOW WARRIOR.

[cheers and applause]

THE SHADOW WARRIOR.

- [coughs]

- THE SHADOW--- WHERE'S THE [bleep]

SHADOW WARRIOR?- I DON'T KNOW, HE CONFIRMED.

- AH, GOOD,SO YOU TALKED TO HIM.

- UH, EMAIL.- EMAIL? YOU HAVE TO CALL.

[bleep]. OKAY, OKAY,JUST SWITCH THE SCHEDULE AROUND.

HAVE HIM FIGHT ZUN-MAI.- ZUN-MAI'S NOT HERE.

- ZUN-MAI'S NOT HERE?

UGH! WHAT ABOUT CROCODILE?- NO.

- LEROY SMAX?- NUH-UH.

- DANNY HERO?- NADA.

- BLOOD NINJA?- NO.

- YOSHIKO?- NAH.

- CYBORG?- NOPE.

- WHAT'S HIS NAME,THE [bleep] MONKEY KUNG-FU GUY.

- SORRY.- YOU CAN'T HOLD

A MYSTERIOUS, UNDERGROUNDMARTIAL ARTS TOURNAMENT

WITH ONE GUY!

- DON'T I, LIKE, WIN BY DEFAULT,OR WHATEVER?

[crowd booing]- GOT TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF

AROUND HERE.[phone ringing]

[crowd booing]

- [on phone] HELLO?- [chuckling] LEROY SMAX.

HOW'S IT GOING, MAN?IT'S YAO-ZHANG.

- YO, WHAT'S UP?- YEAH, SO WE WERE JUST HAVING

THIS WHOLE TOURNAMENT TO PROVETHE BEST FIGHTING STYLE THING,

AND WE WERE REALLY HOPING--- YEAH, SORRY, MAN, I WOULD,

BUT RIGHT NOW,I'M GETTING REVENGE

AGAINST THE SHAOLIN WARRIORWHO KILLED MY BROTHER.

- REALLY? THAT'SWHAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY DOING?

YOU'RE ACTUALLY DOING THAT?

- YEP, GOTTA GO.[video game fighting grunts]

- WELL, 'CAUSE I--HELLO?[dial tone]

GOD DAMN IT!

[dialing beeps]

[phone ringing]- YELLO?

- BLOOD NINJA, MARTIAL ARTSTOURNAMENT ON DRAGON ISLAND.

WAITING FOR YOU, BUDDY.WHERE ARE YOU?

- OH, SHIT. THAT WAS TODAY?I CAN'T.

I'M IN CONNECTICUT WITH MY KIDS.[baby babbling]

[beep]- ASSHOLE!

OKAY, I KNOWI CAN GET YOSHIKO TO COMMIT.

SHE'S ALWAYS HAD, LIKE,A THING FOR ME.

[dialing tones]

- OOH! [panting]

[phone ringing]

UGH!

[beep]

[crowd booing]- COME ON, MAN,

HE'S GOT TO FIGHT SOMEBODY,OTHERWISE,

WE LEGALLY HAVE TO REFUNDEVERYONE'S ADMISSION.

I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY, MAN.

I SPENT IT ALLON THIS [bleep] THRONE!

OH, GOD, I'M GONNA HAVE TO MOVEBACK IN WITH MY PARENTS.

- WAIT! MASTER YAO-ZHANG,CAN I BORROW YOUR PHONE?

[cheers and applause]

- HEY, DID SOMEBODYORDER A PIZZA?

UGH!

[grunts][cheers and applause]

- IRON SHOGUN WINSTHE TOURNAMENT!

[cheers and applause]- [laughs]

OH, I AM SORRY,TRAFFIC WAS JUST--

AH, COME ON!I'M, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES LATE.

[applause]

- MOM, DAD,

I FOUND THIS IN YOUR ROOM,AND I HAVE A QUESTION.

- [chuckles] HONEY,I THINK IT'S TIME WE HAVE

THAT BIRDS AND BEES TALK.- OH, DEAR LORD.

[laugh track]- BUT DAD, I LEARNED

ALL ABOUT THE BIRDS AND BEESAND OTHER WILDLIFE

WHILE IN THE SCOUTS.[laugh track]

- NO, SWEETIE,THIS IS DIFFERENT.

- YES, SON.

WHEN A MOMMY BIRDAND A DADDY BEE LOVE EACH OTHER,

THEY WILL COME TOGETHERAND MAKE A BABY.

- HOWEVER, SOMETIMES,

THE BIRDS LIKE TO STUNGBY THE BEES FOR FUN.

[laugh track]- OTHER TIMES,

THE BEES LIKE TO BE CHOKEDBY THE BIRDS.

- SOMETIMES, THE BIRD AND BEEWILL SWITCH ROLES...

[laugh track]WHERE THE BEE GETS STUNG

BY A FAKE STINGERTHAT THE BIRD WEARS.

[laugh track]- THEN THERE ARE TIMES

WHEN THE BIRD WEARS A MASK,WHERE SHE HAS TO TRUST THE BEE

TO DO THINGSTHAT HURT IN THE BEGINNING,

BUT IN THE END, FEEL AMAZING.[laugh track]

- OTHER TIMES, A BEEWILL HOOK UP WITH ANOTHER BEE,

BUT IT'S COOL,BECAUSE IT WAS IN A HOT TUB.

- SOMETIMES, A BIRDLIKES TO GET STUNG

BY MANY DIFFERENT BEES IN A ROW,WHILE SHE WAS IN COLLEGE.

- SOMETIMES,THE BEE GOES TO VEGAS

AND SLEEPS WITH A STRANGE BIRD.

THEN HE FINDS OUTTHAT THE BIRD HAS A STINGER.

[laugh track]THAT BEE HAD TO KILL THAT BIRD

AND LEAVE THE BODYOUTSIDE THE CITY.

- UH-OH.- SOMETIMES, THE--

- MOM? DAD?

ARE WE STILL TALKINGABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES?

[both chuckle][laugh track]

[cheers and applause]

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