McGuire, Newton, Varnado, Joyce

  • Season 7, Ep 701
  • 11/28/2003

Chris McGuire deletes his mom's emails, L.A.'s beauty standards oppress Rylee Newton, Victor Varnado is a black albino, and Darrell Joyce can't stand cell phones.

UH, COLLEGE OF WHATEVER THE HELL

THEY DO HERE.

THEY TEACH...

[LAUGHTER]

ME AND COLLEGE AIN'T NEVER WENT

TOGETHER.

AIN'T THAT...

I STOPPED GOING TO SCHOOL IN THE

12th GRADE.

IT WASN'T WORKING OUT FOR ME AND

IT WASN'T WORKING OUT FOR THEM.

I'M, LIKE, THIS IS GONNA BE

MY LAST DAY, (BLEEP), I CAN'T...

[LAUGHTER]

THIS WHERE THEY TRAIN OUR COPS

TO BE COPS, AIN'T THAT

SOMETHING?

SEE, YOU ALL GOT NEW YORK COPS

WHO YOU ALL LIKE A LOT.

IN L.A. IT'S A LOT DIFFERENT

WHERE I'M FROM.

AND WHITE FOLKS HAVE A DIFFERENT

WAY OF RELATING WITH THE COPS

'CAUSE YOU ALL TALK STUFF TO

THEM.

HURRY UP AND WRITE THE DAMN

TICKET...

YOU PIG.

[LAUGHTER]

GIVE ME YOUR BADGE NUMBER,

ASS(BLEEP).

[LAUGHTER]

THAT DOES NOT WORK FOR BLACK

FOLKS.

GIVE ME YOUR BADGE NUMBER, OFF--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T--

WE DO.

BLACK FOLK AND LATIN FOLK,

WE GOT A WHOLE DIFFERENT

RELATIONSHIP WITH THE POLICE,

DON'T YOU?

YOU EVER LET THE POLICE FOLLOW

YOU SO LONG YOU GET SUSPICIOUS

OF YOUR DAMN SELF, MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

MAYBE I DID KILL THEM PEOPLE,

I'M GONNA...

I'M GONNA GO ON AHEAD AND TURN

MYSELF IN.

PLUS WHITE FOLK, YOU ALL DO A

LOT OF STUFF WE DON'T DO, MAN,

LIKE, I REMEMBER ABOUT

TWO MONTHS AGO,THIS WHITE DUDE

WENT HIKING IN UTAH AND GOT

HIS ARM JAMMED UNDER A ROCK AND

DECIDED TO CUT HIS DAMN ARM OFF

AND I'M, LIKE...

BLACK FOLK WOULD'VE WAITED

A WHOLE LOT OF DAYS BEFORE

WE DECIDED TO CUT OUR ARM OFF.

IT'D BEEN, LIKE, 30-- 40 DAYS

WE'D HAVE TRIED TO LOSE SOME

WEIGHT AND SLIP OUT, OH, UGH.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GADGET SHOPPING, I JUST GOT

A, UH, DVD PLAYER, AM I THE LAST

PERSON IN THE COUNTRY TO GET ONE

I THINK?

YEAH.

YEAH, I, UH, THE GREAT THING

ABOUT THE DVD IS THREE YEARS AGO

NOBODY EVEN KNEW WHAT A DVD WAS

AND NOW EVERYBODY'S GOT THEM,

WHICH IS REALLY AMAZING IF

YOU THINK IT TOOK 40 OR 50 YEARS

FOR EVERYBODY IN THIS COUNTRY

TO GET A TOILET.

THAT'S TRUE.

THE DVD WAS AN EASIER SELL THAN

THE TOILET.

WHAT CHEAP BASTARD DIDN'T WANT

TO BUY A TOILET?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW HIS WIFE WANTED

ONE.

"HONEY, I THINK WE SHOULD GET

A TOILET."

"OF COURSE YOU DO,

YOU MATERIALISTIC BITCH.

YOU...

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU WITH YOUR FANCY LANTERNS

AND YOUR STORE BOUGHT SOAP."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BUT I THINK THE TOUGHEST THING

ABOUT TECHNOLOGY TO ME IS THAT

IT'S ACTUALLY TOO EASY TO GET

IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE.

I LIVE 3,000 MILES AWAY FROM

MY FAMILY AND THAT'S THE WAY

I LIKE IT.

ALRIGHT?

BUT WITH THE CELL PHONES,

AND E-MAIL, MOM'S ALWAYS THERE

WITH THE LITTLE JABS, YOU KNOW,

I DON'T EVEN CARE IF THE PHONE

RINGS ANYMORE, YOU KNOW?

WHICH IS SAD, BECAUSE 150

YEARS AGO WHEN ALL THERE WERE,

WERE LETTERS.

WHEN YOU GOT ONE, IT WAS

A BIG DEAL.

NOW, I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I USED

TO WATCH LITTLE HOUSE ON THE

PRAIRIE, ALRIGHT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND WHEN LAURA GOT A LETTER

SHE WENT INSANE.

SHE'D BE, LIKE, PA, PA,

YOUR SECOND COUSIN JIMMY FROM

ACROSS THE RIVER SENT US A

LETTER.

AND PA WOULD BE LIKE, UH, JIMMY,

WHAT'S THAT SCALAWAG BEEN UP TO?

AND THEN THEY'D ALL SIT AROUND

THE FIRE AND READ IT LIKE IT WAS

THE LATEST HARRY POTTER BOOK.

[LAUGHTER]

I GET NINE E-MAILS A WEEK FROM

MY MOM.

IF IT DOESN'T HAVE 'I HAVE

CANCER' IN THE SUBJECT LINE

I DELETE IT.

TOO MUCH CONTACT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T EVEN WANT MY MOTHER ON

THE INTERNET, TOO MANY PERVERTS

ON THE INTERNET.

SO MANY PERVERTS ON THE INTERNET

MAKES ME WONDER WHAT THESE GUYS

DID BEFORE THERE WAS AN

INTERNET, YOU EVER THINK ABOUT

THAT?

'CAUSE YOU KNOW THEY WERE OUT

THERE.

IT'S NOT LIKE THE INTERNET CAME

ALONG AND THEY'RE, LIKE, FINALLY

I CAN EXPRESS MYSELF.

I MEAN, THEY WERE OUT THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO IT MAKES ME WONDER WHETHER

OR NOT THERE ARE SOME OLD SCHOOL

PEDOPHILES WHO DON'T HAVE

COMPUTERS.

AND THEY SIT AROUND AND TELL THE

NEW PEDOPHILES HOW EASY THEY GOT

IT.

DO YOU KNOW WHEN I WAS A YOUNG

MAN THERE WAS NO INTERNET.

YOU WANTED TO MEET AN EIGHTH

GRADE BOY; YOU PUT ON A

CLOWN SUIT AND TRACKED THEM DOWN

AT BIRTHDAY PARTIES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU COULDN'T E-MAIL THEM LIKE

TODAY, YOU LAZY BASTARDS.

AND IF YOU WANTED TO SEE A

PICTURE OF A MAN HAVING SEX

WITH A SQUIRREL, WELL, LET ME

JUST TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOU COULDN'T JUST DOWNLOAD IT;

YOU HAD TO TAKE THE PICTURE

YOURSELF.

OREGON BUT I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES

RIGHT NOW, SUPER DUPER.

ALRIGHT, A LITTLE BOO--

WHATEVER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE FIRST THING I NOTICED ABOUT

LIVING IN LOS ANGELES IS L.A.

HAS SOME PRETTY TOUGH BEAUTY

STANDARDS, IF I DON'T SAY SO

MYSELF.

'CAUSE IN OREGON ON A GOOD DAY,

I'M LIKE A SIX OR A SEVEN.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT TRYING TO BRAG.

BUT IN LOS ANGELES I'M A MAN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DID I MISS SOMETHING SOMEWHERE?

I WAS AT THE GROCERY STORE AND

THE CHECKOUT LADY WAS, LIKE,

"SIR, WILL THAT BE PAPER OR

PLASTIC?"

"GIVE ME A MINUTE WITH THIS,

WHAT DO WOMEN NORMALLY LIKE?s

I'LL HAVE ONE OF THOSE."

I JUST THINK PEOPLE IN

LOS ANGELES DON'T KNOW WHAT TO

DO WHEN THEY SEE A WOMAN WHO HAS

A LITTLE FLESH ON HER, THEY'RE

LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU SOME WEIRD

DOUGHY MAN?

WHAT DO YOU DO?

[LAUGHTER]

SO I--

AH, YOU GUYS, GO ON.

SO I, UH, SO I WENT TO A

WEIGHT LOSS PLACE AND THEY WERE

TRYING TO MOTIVATE ME TO LOSE

WEIGHT, 'CAUSE YOU'RE THE WINNER

LOS ANGELES, YOU WIN, AN, UH...

[LAUGHTER]

UH, JUST LIKE THAT.

AND, AH, THEY WERE, LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOUR DREAMS, WHAT ARE

YOUR GOALS, WHAT DO YOU WANT

TO DO WHEN YOU GET THIN?"

AND I WAS, LIKE, "WELL, I GUESS

FIRST OFF I WOULDN'T MIND BEING

MY OWN GENDER, THAT'D BE...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'D BE PRETTY SWEET."

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME.

WE'LL SEE HOW YOU LIKE THE NEXT

ONE.

AND, UH, SECOND OF ALL, YOU KNOW

WHAT I MISS ABOUT BEING THIN?

MMM, MMM, MMM, I LOVE STREET

HARASSMENT, I WOULD LIKE TO GET

ME SOME MORE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS AT A PARTY, I WAS HANGING

OUT WITH THIS GUY AND HE WAS,

LIKE, BLAH, BLAH, WHAT DO YOU

DO, BLAH, BLAH, I LIKE CHEESE,

BLAH, BLAH.

IT WAS GOING REALLY WELL.

AND WE GO OUTSIDE, AND HE GOES,

"YOU KNOW WHAT, I JUST WALKED IN

OFF THE STREET, I DON'T KNOW

A PERSON IN THERE.

WOULD YOU GIVE ME A RIDE HOME?"

NO.

NO, I WON'T GIVE YOU A RIDE HOME

NEW FRIEND AND STRANGER.

AND THEN HE GOES, "YOU KNOW

WHAT, YOU'D BE PRETTY IF YOU

WERE NICER."

[LAUGHTER]

HUH.

WELL, YOU'D BE CUTE IF YOU

HAD A CAR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW WOULD THAT BE?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALSO, AS IT TURNS OUT, I'M NOT

SO SURE HOW IMPORTANT PRETTY

IS GONNA BE TO ME WHEN IT'S JUST

MY SEVERED HEAD IN THE TRUNK.

JUST A PRETTY LITTLE HEAD

ROLLING AROUND IN THE TRUNK.

I'D PROBABLY CALL MY MOM

ON MY CELL PHONE WITH MY NOSE.

MOM, GUESS WHAT, I'M PRETTY.

I AM FINALLY PRETTY.

I AM JUST A HEAD.

I HOPE...

AND THEN I WAS DEPRESSED

RECENTLY SO I PICKED UP THAT

BOOK, "THE RULES".

YOU GUYS HAVE HEARD ABOUT THAT

BOOK?

IT'S THAT BOOK THAT TEACHES

WOMEN HOW TO TRICK MEN INTO

MARRYING THEM.

IT'S PRETTY SWEET.

IT TURNS OUT THOSE BITCHES ARE

REALLY STRICT.

ONE OF THEIR RULES IS YOU CAN

NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT

MAKE-UP ON, EVER, EVEN IF YOU'RE

WORKING OUT.

SO I'M AT THE GYM IN BLACK

FACE...

AND THEY ARE, LIKE, SIR, WE ARE

GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.

THERE GOES MY TIME.

HERE YOU GUYS, IF THAT'S COOL

I JUST, UH, SO, UH...

I'M A BLACK ALBINO, ANYBODY

ELSE?

COME ON, WHERE ARE MY BLACK

ALBINO'S AT, WHERE ARE THEY

AT NOW, WHERE ARE THEY AT?

WHERE ARE THEY AT?

THEY'RE NEVER HERE, SEE?

THEY NEVER SHOW UP IT'S ALWAYS

JUST ME, IT'S ALWAYS JUST ME.

THAT'S COOL.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS GROWING UP

MY MOTHER WOULD BE, LIKE,

VICTOR, YOU'RE A BLACK ALBINO,

YOU'RE GOD'S LITTLE SPECIAL

PROJECT, YOU'RE SPECIAL.

YOU'RE SPECIAL.

BUT THEN LATER ON I MET MY DAD,

HE WENT ON TO HAVE 13 KIDS.

I WOULD RUN UP TO MY DAD AND BE,

LIKE, DAD, I'M SPECIAL,

AND HE'D BE, LIKE, I GOT 13 KIDS

YOU AIN'T SPECIAL.

I GOT ONE OF EVERYTHING.

LOOK AT YOUR LITTLE BROTHER

HE'S A KAMODO DRAGON BOY.

LOOK AT HIM, LOOK AT HIM,

HE LIKES FLIES, HE LIKES FLIES

AND THE SUN, BOY.

I BET YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY

SAYING, VICTOR, YOU'RE A BLACK

ALBINO.

HOW COME YOU DON'T EAT BABIES?

[LAUGHTER]

NOW JUST, YOU GUYS, THAT IS

A MYTH AND A STEREOTYPE, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HONESTLY, YOU GUYS, I DON'T EAT

BABIES, I DON'T HAVE RED EYES,

EXCEPT FOR WHEN I'M FEEDING

SO I WANT YOU TO KNOW WHAT'S

REAL AND WHAT'S NOT, ALRIGHT?

I HATE STEREOTYPES.

DON'T YOU GUYS HATE STEREOTYPES?

YES, LIKE, EIGHT OF YOU.

[LAUGHTER APPLAUSE]

THE REST ARE COMFORTABLY RACIST.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, VICTOR, WE'RE FINE WHERE

WE ARE, SEE YOU AFTER THE SHOW.

AH-AH!

NO.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S RIGHT, I'M A BLACK

ALBINO, LADIES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

ALL THE BENEFITS OF BEING BLACK

WITHOUT THE DISAPPOINTED LOOKS

FROM YOUR PARENTS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COME ON, NOW.

COME ON.

LET'S MAKE SOME BABIES.

LET'S MAKE SOME BABIES.

THIS IS, LIKE, THE TYPE OF

COMEDY I DO, I'M JUST, LIKE,

A HAPPY COMIC DUDE, I'M JUST,

LIKE, AH-HAH, HAPPY...

BUT, UH, IT'S NOT WHAT I ALWAYS

WANTED TO DO.

I WANTED TO BE A DEF JAM

COMEDIAN FOR A LONG TIME.

I DID BECAUSE BUT I DIDN'T

FIT IN VERY WELL 'CAUSE, LIKE,

FOR ONE THING, UH, A DEF JAM

COMIC CAN DO THAT I CAN'T DO IS,

LIKE, UH, THEY'LL SAY SOMETHING

AND IT WON'T MAKE ANY SENSE AND

THEN THEY'LL SAY IT AGAIN LOUDER

AND THAT'LL BE THE JOKE?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S, LIKE, THEY'LL DO A JOKE

AND IT'LL BE, LIKE, YEAH,

THAT BITCH GOT SO MAD HER TITTY

BLEW UP.

[LAUGHTER]

I SAID, HER TITTY BLEW UP!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, ALRIGHT!

YEAH!

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT,

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT,

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

I CAN'T DO THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS LIKE GOING TO THE

BATHROOM?

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, ME, TOO.

ACTUALLY THE REASON WE HAD THIS

LITTLE BATHROOM ADVENTURE,

I WENT TO THE URINALS, LIKE

URINALATE, AND THIS GUY COMES

TO THE URINAL LIKE RIGHT NEXT

TO ME...

YOU GIRLS PROBABLY DON'T KNOW

THIS, BUT IF A GUY COMES

TO THE URINAL RIGHT NEXT TO YOU,

AND THERE'S, LIKE, PLENTY OF

OTHER URINALS TO GO TO,

YOU ALWAYS LIKE GLANCE OVER

TO MAKE SURE HE'S NOT LOOKING

AT YOUR STUFF, RIGHT, 'CAUSE

IT'S YOURS.

BUT THE WEIRD THING WAS,

I GLANCED OVER AND HE GLANCED

OVER AT THE SAME TIME.

SO WE MET EYES.

I KNOW THAT WAS WEIRD...

SO I KISSED HIM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Darrell Joyce: WHAT'S HAPPENING?

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

LET ME GET RIGHT TO IT.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU LIKE THIS,

MAN, I'M SICK OF CELL PHONES,

I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT, TELEPHONES DON'T

RING NO MORE.

CELL PHONES DO NOT RING.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE RING?

PEOPLE DOWNLOADING MUSIC NOW.

DON'T EVEN RING NO MORE.

SOMEBODY'S PHONE GO OFF,

IT'S A WHOLE VERSE FROM

"STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN", RIGHT?

AND THEY DON'T WANT TO ANSWER IT

'CAUSE THAT'S THEY SONG!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S OUT OF CONTROL.

I SEEN A LITTLE KID WITH A

CELL PHONE TODAY.

LITTLE KID, LITTLE KIDS GOT

CELL PHONES.

THAT'S TOO MUCH FOR SOMEBODY

TEN.

YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU WAS TEN?

YOU DIDN'T HAVE NOTHING LIKE

THAT.

THAT'S TOO MUCH TECHNOLOGY.

I REMEMBER BEING TEN.

ALL I HAD WAS A CURFEW AND

SOME GRASS TO CUT WHEN I GOT

HOME FROM SCHOOL.

I DIDN'T HAVE CALL WAITING.

MY MOTHER GO, GO CUT THE GRASS.

I'M ON THE PHONE.

NOW YOU'RE ON THE GROUND ON YOUR

ASS.

GET UP.

[LAUGHTER]

GO CUT THE GRASS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH KIDS

TODAY, THEY GOT TOO MUCH.

THEY SPOILED.

THEY DON'T EVEN RESPECT ADULTS

NO MORE.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

DRIVE DOWN A RESIDENTIAL STREET.

THEY DON'T EVEN GET OUT YOUR

WAY.

THEY STAND THERE AND LOOK AT YOU

LIKE CARS AIN'T HEAVY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GOT TO BLOW THE HORN, MOVE.

THEY YELL AT YOUR CAR,

THIS AIN'T NO FREEWAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S GONNA BE A GRAVEYARD,

YOU KEEP STANDING THERE YOU

LITTLE IGNORANT BASTARD.

HIT YOU SO HARD YOUR PANTS WILL

BE BACK UP WHERE THEY SHOULD BE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S STARTING TO TICK ME OFF,

THE WHOLE PANTS THING.

I CAN'T STAND IT.

I SEEN A DUDE TODAY WITH

HIS PANTS HANGING DOWN TO HIS

KNEES...

WITH A BELT ON.

TOO LATE FOR THAT, THEY ALREADY

FELL DOWN.

WHO STARTED THIS, MAN?

WHERE DID THIS--

AND DON'T ASK ME AFTER THE SHOW

'CAUSE I'M BLACK, 'CAUSE

EVIDENTLY I DIDN'T GET THAT

MEMO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S JUST PLAIN IGNORANCE,

MAN, I CANNOT TOLERATE

IGNORANCE.

OH, AND THIS IS THE WORST PART.

I JUST HAD A BIRTHDAY,

MY BUDDIES ALL TOOK ME OUT.

ONE OF THEM PIPES UP OUT OF

NOWHERE.

HE'S, LIKE, "YOU KNOW OUT OF ALL

OF US D., YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE,

MAN, THAT'S NOT HAVE ANY KIDS."

I SAID, "HA-HA-HA-HA!

YEAH!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THE OTHER ONE SAID,

"WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?"

[LAUGHTER]

"CONDOMS."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAYS?

I DON'T WEAR RUBBER'S, MAN,

YOU CAN'T FEEL NOTHING WITH

A CONDOM ON.

I SAID, ALRIGHT, TRY IT WITH

HALF YOUR PAYCHECK MISSING,

YOU'LL FEEL THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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