Reggie Watts: Why $#!+ So Crazy?

  • Season 1, Ep 0101
  • 05/18/2010

Reggie Watts uses both stand-up and freestyle rap to discuss doobage, explain why it's best to cut pastries in half and reveal what happened to Kirk Cameron.

>> ♪ YO ♪

♪ YO ♪

♪ UH ♪

♪ WORD ♪

♪ ADJECTIVE ♪

♪ PRONOUN ♪

♪ ADVERB ♪

♪ RUN-ON AND ON AND ON ♪

♪ WHERE MY GERUNDS AT? ♪

♪ PARENTHETICAL ♪

♪ UH ♪

♪ SHIT MOTHERFUCKER ♪

♪ ASS TITS CUNT COCK ♪

♪ MOTHERFUCKER SHIT ASS ♪

♪ TITS MOTHERFUCKER SHIT ♪

♪ COME ON ♪

♪ FICKITY-FUCK ♪

♪ FICKITY-FUCK ♪

♪ FICKITY-FUCK ♪

♪ FICKITY-FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK ♪

♪ FUCK FUCK FUCK ♪

♪ FUCK FUCK FUCK ♪

♪ SHIT MOTHERFUCKER ♪

♪ ASS TITS CUNT COCK ♪

♪ MOTHERFUCKER SHIT ASS ♪

♪ TITS MOTHERFUCKER SHIT ♪

♪ COME ON ♪

♪ FICKITY-FUCK ♪

♪ FICKITY-FUCK ♪

♪ FICKITY-FUCK ♪

♪ FICKITY-FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK ♪

♪ FUCK FUCK FUCK ♪

♪ FUCK FUCK ♪

♪ YOU TAKE SOME SHIT ♪

♪ PUT IT UP ON THE WALL ♪

♪ CHECK IT OUT FOR A WHILE ♪

♪ YOU TAKE THAT SHIT ♪

♪ UP OFF OF THE WALL ♪

♪ PUT IT DOWN ON THE FLOOR ♪

♪ IN A GLASS BOWL ♪

♪ YOU TAKE SOME FUCK ♪

♪ PUT IT UP ON THE WALL ♪

♪ WHERE THE SHIT USED TO BE ♪

♪ YOU TAKE THAT FUCK ♪

♪ UP OFF OF THE WALL ♪

♪ PUT IT DOWN ON THE FLOOR ♪

♪ WITH THE SHIT ♪

♪ IN A GLASS BOWL ♪

♪ WHAT? ♪

♪ YO ♪

♪ HERE'S ANOTHER LITTLE PIECE ♪

♪ OF ADVICE-VICE ♪

♪ YOU TAKE SOME FUCK ♪

♪ THEN SOME SHIT ♪

♪ THEN SOME FUCK ♪

♪ THEN SOME SHIT ♪

♪ YOU'VE GOT A FUCK-SHIT STACK ♪

♪ A FUCK-SHIT STACK ♪

♪ TAKE SOME FUCK ♪

♪ THEN SOME SHIT ♪

♪ THEN SOME FUCK ♪

♪ THEN SOME SHIT ♪

♪ YOU'VE GOT A FUCK-SHIT STACK ♪

♪ A FUCK-SHIT STACK ♪

♪ IT'S A STACK OF FUCK-SHIT ♪

♪ ON TOP OF ITSELF, NIGGA ♪

♪ I MAKE REFERENCES ♪

♪ TO WEAPONRY ♪

♪ ANCIENT OR NEW ♪

♪ I WEAR BULLET-PROOF VESTS ♪

♪ FOR NO APPARENT REASON ♪

♪ OTHER THAN TO CREATE ♪

♪ A FALSE SENSE OF IMPORTANCE ♪

♪ OF WHICH ♪

♪ I COULD NEVER RETAIN ♪

♪ ON MY OWN ♪

♪ I LIKE TO CREATE A ♪

♪ BUFFER MEMORY ♪

♪ OF INCREDULITY ♪

♪ SO Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS ♪

♪ COULD NEVER GET NEAR TO ME ♪

♪ I'M A CARTOON CHARACTER ♪

♪ YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE ♪

♪ TO BE LIKE ME ♪

♪ ME ♪

♪ ME ♪

♪ I LIKE WOMEN ♪

♪ I LIKE WOMEN ♪

♪ I LIKE THE CONCEPT ♪

♪ OF A WOMAN ♪

♪ I LIKE TO TAKE THAT CONCEPT ♪

♪ AND REDUCE IT TO AN OBJECT ♪

♪ I LIKE TO TAKE THOSE OBJECTS ♪

♪ AND PUT 'EM IN MY VIDEOS ♪

♪ HAVE THEM SHAKE ♪

♪ THEIR JIGGLY BITS ♪

♪ SO THEY LOOKS LIKE HOES ♪

♪ I LIKE TO TAKE ♪

♪ SOME CAR POLISH ♪

♪ SMEAR IT ALL OVER ♪

♪ THEIR ASSES ♪

♪ AND BUFF THAT SHIT OUT ♪

♪ SO IT LOOKS LIKE ♪

♪ FRESH PEACHES AND SHIT ♪

♪ I LIKE TO TAKE ♪

♪ SOME MORE OF THAT CAR POLISH ♪

♪ AND SMEAR IT ALL OVER ♪

♪ THEIR TITS ♪

♪ AND BUFF THAT SHIT OUT ♪

♪ SO IT LOOKS ALL SPARKLY ♪

♪ LIKE DIAMOND NECKLACES ♪

♪ AND SHIT ♪

♪ WHY? ♪

♪ CUZ I'M A LADIES MAN ♪

♪ A LADIES MAN ♪

♪ A LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LADIES MAN ♪

♪ I'M A MATERIALIST ♪

♪ I'M A MATERIALIST ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE A ♪

♪ PIECE-OF-SHIT CAR ♪

♪ AND I'LL LOWER ♪

♪ THE MOTHERFUCKAH ♪

♪ PUT SOME 18-INCH RIMS ♪

♪ ON THE MOTHERFUCKAH ♪

♪ TAKE SOME NEON ♪

♪ PUT IT UNDERNEATH ♪

♪ THE MOTHERFUCKAH ♪

♪ SO WHEN I ♪

♪ ROLL AROUND THIS TOWN ♪

♪ IT LOOKS LIKE I HOVER ♪

♪ HOVER ♪

♪ HOVER ♪

♪ I LIKE TO TAKE ♪

♪ A FLAT-PANEL DISPLAY MONITOR ♪

♪ PUT ONE ♪

♪ ON THE STEERING COLUMN ♪

♪ ONE INSIDE OF THE GLOVE BOX ♪

♪ ONE ON TOP OF THE DASHBOARD ♪

♪ TWO IN BACK OF THE HEADRESTS ♪

♪ ONE MOUNTED IN THE CEILING ♪

♪ TWO STILL IN ♪

♪ THE MOTHERFUCKING PACKAGING ♪

♪ ON THE BACK SEAT ♪

♪ SO WHEN MY ♪

♪ MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDS ♪

♪ GO AND SIT ON THE SHIT ♪

♪ AND BREAK IT ♪

♪ WORD? ♪

♪ I CAN HONESTLY SAY ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ JUST ♪

♪ DON'T ♪

♪ GIVE ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ FUCK ♪

♪ YOU TAKE SOME FUCK ♪

♪ THEN SOME SHIT ♪

♪ THEN SOME FUCK ♪

♪ THEN SOME SHIT ♪

♪ YOU'VE GOT A FUCK-SHIT STACK ♪

♪ A FUCK-SHIT STACK ♪

♪ TAKE SOME FUCK ♪

♪ THEN SOME SHIT ♪

♪ THEN SOME FUCK ♪

♪ THEN SOME SHIT ♪

♪ YOU'VE GOT A FUCK-SHIT STACK ♪

♪ A FUCK-SHIT STACK ♪

♪ TAKE SOME FUCK ♪

♪ THEN SOME SHIT ♪

♪ THEN SOME FUCK ♪

♪ THEN SOME SHIT ♪

♪ YOU'VE GOT A FUCK-SHIT STACK ♪

♪ A FUCK-SHIT STACK ♪

♪ TAKE SOME FUCK ♪

♪ THEN SOME SHIT ♪

♪ THEN SOME FUCK ♪

♪ THEN SOME SHIT ♪

♪ YOU'VE GOT A FUCK-SHIT STACK ♪

♪ A FUCK-SHIT STACK ♪

♪ IT'S A STACK OF FUCK-SHIT ♪

♪ ON TOP OF ITSELF, NIGGA ♪

♪ YO ♪

♪ WHERE MY GIRLS AT? ♪

♪ WHERE MY GIRLS AT? ♪

♪ WHERE MY GRILLS AT? ♪

♪ WHERE MY GRILLS AT? ♪

♪ WHERE MY GIRLS AT? ♪

♪ WHERE MY GIRLS AT? ♪

♪ WHERE MY GRILLS AT? ♪

♪ WHERE MY GRILLS AT? ♪

♪ WHERE IS THEY? ♪

♪ FUCK ♪

♪ SHIT ♪

♪ FUCK ♪

♪ SHIT ♪

♪ FUCK ♪

♪ SHIT ♪

♪ FUCK ♪

♪ SHIT ♪

♪ FUCK ♪

♪ SHIT ♪

♪ FUCK ♪

♪ SHIT ♪

♪ FUCK ♪

♪ SHIT ♪

♪ FUCK ♪

♪ SHIT ♪

♪ FUCK ♪

♪ SHIT ♪

♪ FUCK ♪

♪ SHIT ♪

♪ FUCK ♪

♪ SHIT ♪

♪ FUCK ♪

[beatboxing]

♪ ♪

>> LOT OF MOTHERFUCKERS DON'TKNOW WHY SHIT BE GOING WRONG AND

SHIT IN THE WORLD.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU BE READING THENEWS AND SHIT AND BAD SHIT BE

HAPPENING ALL THE TIME?

THERE'S ABOUT, LIKE, 10% GOODSHIT, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BUT THE REST OF THE SHIT'S ALLBAD AND SHIT, KNOW WHAT I'M

SAYING?

MOTHERFUCKERS KNOW WHAT I'MSAYING AND SHIT?

Y'ALL KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YEAH.

MY PROBLEM--IT'S A PROBLEM, MAN.

PEOPLE SO DIFFERENT, YOU KNOWWHAT I'M SAYING?

PEOPLE SO DIFFERENT, YOU KNOWWHAT I'M SAYING?

MOTHERFUCKERS, LIKE WOMEN ANDMEN AND SHIT, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M

SAYING?

LIKE, MENS AND SHIT AND WOMEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING,GRILLS?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

LIKE, GIRLS BE CRAZY, AIGHT?

NOW, LET ME SET THIS UP.

THIS WHY THERE BE SO MANYPROBLEMS BETWEEN THE WOMENS AND

THE MIZ-NENS, AIGHT?

LIKE, THE WOMENS AND SHIT, THEYBE LIKE, "I'MA DO THIS SHIT OVER

HERE," YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THAT IS FUCKED UP, MAN.

YOU GOT TO CHANGE THAT SHIT,AIGHT?

NO WONDER MEN THINK YOU CRAZY.

AND MEN, YOU TOO, MAN, YOU AIN'TGETTING OFF SCOT-FREE, KNOW

WHAT I'M SAYING?

MEN BE LIKE, "I THINK I'M GONNATRY TO DO THIS THING OVER HERE."

[laughs]HOW YOU EXPECT TO GET RESPECT

FROM WOMEN WHEN YOU BE DOINGTHAT SHIT?

NIGGAS IS CRAZY.

SOMETIMES WOMEN BE LIKE, YOUKNOW, THEY HAVE A--THEY DECIDE

SOMETHING IN THEIR HEAD, YOUKNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THEY PUT SOMETHING IN THEIRHEAD, AND THEN THEY, LIKE--

AND THEN THEY, LIKE, TRY IT OUT,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND, LIKE--AND, LIKE, MEN, YOUKNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THEY BE, LIKE, YOU KNOW, MAKINGA SANDWICH OR WHATEVER, YOU KNOW

WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU KNOW, AND THEN THEY, LIKE--AND THEN THEY MIGHT, LIKE,

TURN.

THEY MIGHT, LIKE, TURN TOSOMEONE, YOU KNOW, AND, LIKE,

SUGGEST SOMETHING, YOU KNOW WHATI'M SAYING?

AND IT'S LIKE THAT OVER ANDOVER.

I MEAN, THAT'S PALESTINE, YOUKNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THAT'S KASHMIR, YOU KNOW WHATI'M SAYING?

THAT'S WHY THIS SHIT BEHAPPENING.

THIS ONE'S ABOUT AVATAR,

NEW MOVIE.

YEAH.

KIRK CAMERON MOVIE, UM,

COMING OUT.

PEOPLE LIKE, "WHERE'D HE GO?"

YOU KNOW.

THIS IS IT, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M

SAYING?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

♪ I ♪

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

♪ I ♪

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

♪ I ♪

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

♪ I ♪

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

♪ I ♪

♪ GOT YOU ♪

♪ AND YOU'VE ♪

♪ GOT HIM ♪

♪ AND HE'S ♪

♪ GOT HER ♪

♪ AND SHE'S ♪

♪ GOT SHE ♪

♪ HE'S GOT HE AND WE ♪

♪ GOT THEM ♪

♪ WE IS ♪

♪ THEM TOO ♪

♪ WHEN WE ♪

♪ GO THERE ♪

♪ WELL, NO ♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW-OH-OH ♪

[beatboxing]

♪ ♪

♪ WE LIVE ON AN ISLAND ♪

♪ ISLAND BY THE SEA ♪

♪ NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪

♪ KNOW AN ISLAND LIKE ♪

♪ ME ♪

♪ OH NO ♪

♪ I GREW UP IN BANANA ♪

♪ I MEAN, I GREW UP IN MONTANA ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ SO YEAH ♪

♪ OH YEAH ♪

♪ SURROUNDED BY SOME WATER ♪

♪ AN ISLAND ♪

♪ SURROUNDED BY SOME WATER ♪

[scatting]

♪ WATCH OUT FOR ♪

♪ COBRA COMMANDER ♪

♪ YEAH YEAH ♪

♪ WATCH OUT FOR ♪

♪ COBRA COMMANDER ♪

>> IT'S IMPORTANT TO KEEP THINGS

REALISTIC.

AND I'VE LEARNED THROUGHOUT THE

YEARS LIVING HERE IN NEW YORK

THAT UNLESS YOU KEEP REALISTIC,

THERE'S NO WAY YOU CAN SURVIVE.

YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOUR NOSE TO

THE GROUND.

YOU HAVE TO--YOU HAVE TO KEEP

THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE, MAKE SURE

THAT THINGS MAKE SENSE EVERY

DAY.

NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, WHO YOU

SEE, MAKE SURE THAT IT MATTERS.

NEW YORK IS--IT'S NOT--IT'S NOT

A--IT'S NOT A TOWN FOR

PUSSYFOOTERS.

IT'S NOT A TOWN FOR PEOPLE WITH

PUSSIES FOR FEET.

THAT WOULD BE REALLY GROSS

AND EXHILARATING.

I GREW UP IN MONTANA, AND ONE OF

THE THINGS ABOUT MONTANA IS THAT

THERE'S NO DRUGS THERE, REALLY.

I MEAN, THERE ARE.

THERE ARE NOW, BUT BACK THEN,

BACK IN THE '50s, IT WAS JUST

LIKE--LIKE, NO ONE EVEN KNEW

WHAT THEY WERE, YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN?

THEY CALLED IT MEDICINE.

HOW MANY OF YOU GUYS LIKE

DOOBAGE?

[scattered cheers]

OKAY.

OKAY!

[laughs]

I'M A BIG FAN OF DOOBAGE.

YEAH.

I SWEAR TO GOD, GUYS.

I KNOW ABOUT IT.

I KNOW HOW TO APPLY IT.

I USE THE APPLICATION EVERY DAY,

THE DOOBAGE APPLICATION.

SO THIS IS FOR THE DOOBERS

AND THE DOOBIES.

DOOBIE OR NOT DOOBIE?

[laughs]

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN

YOU PULL OUT A JOINT, AND YOU'RE

LIKE, "DOOBIE OR NOT DOOBIE?"

OH, NO THANK YOU.

OKAY.

NO, THANKS.

OKAY, JUST ONE.

[singing in childlike voice]

♪ ♪

[singing gibberish]

♪ ♪

[laughs]

STOP IT, GUYS.

Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS ARE SHIT.

WE BE KNOWIN' ABOUT THIS--

THIS MOTHERFUCKIN' PLACE FOR A

LONG TIME, KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND A LOT OF HIP-HOP PEOPLE HAVE

BEEN PLAYING, COMING THROUGH

HERE.

WE GOT THE GOATS.

WE GOT THE PHARCYDE BE COMING

THROUGH THIS BITCH.

WE GOT--NUT SACK HAS BEEN UP

HERE.

NUT SACK DID A RESIDENCY LAST

WEEK, RECORDED A BUNCH OF LIVE

SHITS.

[with British accent]

TONIGHT'S GOING TO BE A NIGHT

WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO UNDERSTAND

SOME OF THE MAJOR POINTS THAT

WERE ON THE PROSPECTUS, AND I'M

GOING TO ADD A FEW, AND I LIKE

TO CALL THOSE ADDENDUMS.

WE'RE IN A FOR A NICE TREAT.

I HAVE SEVERAL GUESTS ON THIS

EVENING.

WE HAVE BARBARA FENSROW,

CREB GERFSON,

SNADGE SNARSNITZTEN,

AND, OF COURSE, THE VERY LOVELY

AND TALENTED

ELDERBROOK BASENFLOUCH.

SO LOTS OF THINGS TO LOOK

FORWARD TO.

ONE OF THE THINGS THAT I GET

REALLY INTERESTED ABOUT IS OTHER

CULTURES OR CUL-TOO-RAYS.

AND CUL-TOO-RAYS ARE REALLY

IMPORTANT TO BE AWARE OF.

THERE'S--THERE'S OVER FOUR OF

THEM, AND, UM...

ONE OF THE CUL-TOO-RAYS THAT I'M

STUDYING RIGHT NOW ARE THE

MEXICANAS.

MEXICANAS.

AND MEXICO IS AN AMAZING

PLACE, IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN

THERE.

IT WAS AWESOME, A LOT OF COOL

STUFF GOING ON THERE.

A LOT OF--THEY'RE A LOT--

THEY--I SAY "THEY," BUT WHAT I

MEAN IS "THEM."

THERE'S A LOT OF DIFFERENCES.

FOR INSTANCE, WHEN I--

I DID A LOT OF RESEARCH IN

MEXICO, AND ONE OF THE THINGS

THAT IS HUGELY DIFFERENT ARE,

THE MAPPING SYSTEMS THAT THEY

USE FOR THEIR GPS UNITS HAVE

A DIFFERENT LINGUISTIC INTUITIVE

INTERFACE, WHICH I THINK IS KIND

OF GREATLY DIFFERENT IF YOU'RE

UTILIZING, LIKE, A U.S.-CANADA

MAPPING SYSTEM.

AND THAT WAS ONE OF THE FIRST

THINGS I NOTICED ABOUT--ABOUT

MEXICO.

ALSO, THEIR ROADS ARE SHAPED

SLIGHTLY DIFFERENTLY.

THEY'RE SLIGHTLY NARROWER.

BUT WE FOUND OUT THAT,

OBVIOUSLY, OVER AN OBVIOUS

AMOUNT OF TIME, THERE'S AN

OBVIOUSNESS THAT KIND OF--

THAT YOU CAN'T--YOU CAN'T MISS.

YO, MAN, WHEN I WAS FIRST ASKED

TO DO THIS HIP-HOP SHOW, LIKE,

PEOPLE WAS LIKE, "WE AIN'T NEVER

HAD HIP-HOP NEXT TO THE CANAL

AND SHIT, KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?"

AND I LOOKED AT THEM SERIOUSLY,

YOU KNOW, ON THE PHONE.

I SAID...

"WELL, YOU ABOUT TO,

MOTHERFUCKER.

WELL, YOU ABOUT TO,

MOTHERFUCKER.

WELL, YOU ABOUT TO,

MOTHERFUCKER."

♪ WELL, YOU A-BOU-BOU-BOU-BOUT ♪

♪ TO TO TO TO ♪

♪ MO-MO-MO-MO FUCKER ♪

[beatboxing]

♪ ♪

[recorded beat continues]

♪ SOMETI--N--BA-- ♪

♪ I--TO A--I--SU--FI ♪

♪ FRE--YOU--A ♪

♪ AND--I--UP--AT--UP ♪

♪ PA--I-- ♪

♪ TA--YOU UP--A P-- ♪

♪ A FAS-- ♪

♪ OH--UH--EH--UH--UH ♪

♪ S--A--MORE ♪

♪ CHECK IT--IP--OP--TO ♪

♪ AND A--SIP--ER ♪

♪ WHAT? ♪

♪ YEAH, COME ON ♪

♪ UH ♪

♪ I KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ♪

♪ BE THINKING ♪

♪ BECAUSE I GOT THIS ♪

♪ ON A STICK ♪

♪ YO ♪

♪ I BE CHECKIN' IT OUT ♪

♪ AND IN THE MIDDLE ♪

♪ OF THE NIGHT ♪

♪ I BE DOIN' WHAT IT ♪

♪ BE TAKEN NEW ♪

♪ I GOT SOME PASTRIES ♪

♪ GONNA SERVE 'EM AND SHIT ♪

♪ TO MY FRIENDS ♪

♪ I'M GONNA CUT 'EM IN HALF ♪

♪ BECAUSE NOBODY NEEDS ♪

♪ A WHOLE CROISSANT ♪

♪ YOU THINK YOU NEED ♪

♪ A WHOLE CROISSANT ♪

♪ NOBODY NEED ♪

♪ A WHOLE CROISSANT ♪

♪ UH, UH ♪

♪ LISTEN ♪

♪ CHOCOLATE ECLAIRS ♪

♪ CLAIRES LIKE A CHOCOLATE ♪

♪ CHOCOLATE LIKE CLAIRE ♪

♪ MY FRIEND CLAIRE ♪

♪ SHE LIKES CHOCOLATE ♪

♪ SHE'S THE E-CLAIRE ♪

♪ SHE LIKE TO BE ONLINE ♪

♪ AND SHIT ♪

♪ WHAT THE FUCK? ♪

♪ YEAH, SHE LOSE HER MIND

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