Pulp Comics: Dana Gould

  • Season 1, Ep 0105
  • 08/25/1997

>> Some people are born

with moles on their behind.

Some people born with big noses.

I'm born looking messed up.

[laughter]

"Come on, Mrs. Breuer!"

"I'm pushing.

I'm push--"

[imitates baby wailing]

"You have a beautiful baby boy,

but he looks stoned out of

his bird.

Look at him."

What's up, guys?

What's up?

Hello.

Hello.

All right, man.

Ha!

[cheers and applause]

All right, man.

This should be fun, hanging out.

Sort of feel like I'm in my

living room here.

This is pretty cool.

One quick thing as you take a

good look at me and everyone

analyzes me, man--

I love it when people first

meet me.

They're like--

[whispering]

"Yo, man, is it me, or does he

look really stoned?

Look at his eyes, man.

He's stoned out of his mind,

man.

Throw some chips up there.

Watch him scramble."

[laughter]

This is my natural eyes.

I look high all the time, man.

It's pretty cool, ain't it?

The funny thing is, like, when I

get pulled over now, 'cause now

that I know that I look stoned

and I'm not, that's when I

really have fun, you know.

Cops, cops--you know, they think

they nailed me.

[sirens wailing]

"Mm, how you doing?

You, uh, come from a little

party, are you?"

No, I look like this all

the time.

>> Yeah, right.

License.

>> You know, and he wants to see

a picture, you know, my license.

Like that helps.

It's just a small picture of me

looking hammered.

"Hey, man, I look the same way,

man."

[laughter]

>> Okay, James, we're gonna ask

you to step outside the car

right now.

>> All right, man.

I swear--I swear this guy made

me blow in the balloon.

He's like, "All right, blow in

the balloon."

I'm like, "Oh, we need balloons

for the party, man.

You got any red ones, man?

All right, come here.

You just blow in it?

All right.

Well, step away, man."

[blowing]

Tada!

So I'm married four years now.

No one cares. Shut up. Hold on.

[cheers and applause]

You guys don't care.

No one cares.

There's just so many--

so much pressure on

relationships.

You know when I knew it was

gonna be weird?

Just by the reaction of your

friends when you get engaged.

Like, girls get really excited,

and they should.

They go tell their friends.

It's, like, a big deal.

Like, "Did you hear what

happened?

I got engaged."

[shrieking]

A big circus breaks out.

"You got engaged!"

Bam, dun-dun dun-dun dun-dun.

Dun-dun.

Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!

[imitates elephant]

"She got engaged."

[imitates elephant]

The guy in stilts comes out.

Remember that guy?

Then you tell your guy friends.

They're like, "You got engaged?"

[laughter]

It's like hearing someone died.

"What happened, man?

Wow.

He was so young, man.

What happened?

He had his whole life ahead

of him.

Wow, I just saw him yesterday,

man."

[laughter]

Uh...so I have a 30th birthday

coming up.

[cheers and applause]

Know what's spooky about that,

though?

No matter how old you get,

you still have those childhood

fears.

I was driving down this road

called Alligator Alley.

And it's a pitch-black road.

And it was, like, in the middle

of nowhere,

all this swamplands on the side.

And when you're driving out in

the middle of nowhere, I don't

care how cool you think you are,

how tough you think you are,

your mind plays tricks on you.

And I'm driving.

I'm sitting there like...

and then you test how spooky it

is by turning off the lights

for a second.

You know, you're--poof!

Ah!

[laughter]

"Man, it's really spooky out

here, man."

Now, I'm by myself,

going, "All right, what are you

gonna do if the bogeyman comes

running out of the woods?"

And then--then I start plotting

what I'm gonna do to the

bogeyman--the bogeyman.

In my--I don't know what your

bogeyman looks like, but I got

a, like, four-horned bogeyman,

you know.

So I'm like, all right, if the

bogeyman comes out, I'll just

swerve around him, you know,

'cause you don't want to hit

him and not kill him.

'Cause then you got a pro--

that's what the bogeyman wants.

[laughter]

pow!

"Huah ha ha ha.

See you done the road."

[grunting]

You know, and then you start

thinking like, what if you get

a flat, do you stop?

Hell, no.

That's really what the bogeyman

wants--a flat tire in the middle

of nowhere.

I would drive 90 miles an hour

with a flat just to, you know,

keep away from the bogeyman.

[flat tire noise]

Hell with you, bogeyman.

I'm down, but I ain't out.

[flat tire noise]

And a cop pull me over.

Then I'll be in trouble.

He sees my eyes.

Like, mm-hmm.

"Want to tell me why you're

going 90 miles an hour with

a flat?"

>> Where's the fire, hotshot?

>> Officer, the bogeyman is out

here, all right, and he's

looking for me, officer.

[growling]

>> I knew you were stoned.

I knew it.

>> And then I was like, no,

I got a car.

I'm gonna nail the bogeyman.

So here I am, driving, like,

80 miles an hour, antagonizing

the bogeyman.

[imitates car horn]

"Come on, bogeyman!"

[imitates car horn]

Got my head out the window.

"Let's see what you got,

big shot!"

[imitates car horn]

Then I realized what a jackass

I am for 40 minutes.

And then just when you think you

have control of your mind again,

you're like, "All right, there's

no such thing as a bogeyman.

I just freaked out for a little

while."

>> How much to the airport?

[screams]

Ooh, that's little steep.

But all right.

And take the bridge, not the

tunnel.

[screaming]

>> male announ

>> I used to love going to

concerts, and I still do.

I love heavy metal bands.

I just love it.

Yeah, Metallica and stuff

like that.

But yeah, Metallica!

That's what Metallica fans do.

[wildly] Metallica!

[laughter]

There's people in Genesis or U2.

"I like U2. I like Genesis."

A guy can have a suit and a tie,

but he freaks out Metal--

Who do you like?

"Metallica, man!"

[laughter]

"Sorry, I gotta get back

to work.

He-he."

[laughter]

You know where the phrase

headbanger came from?

It came from the early '70s.

That's where the first

headbanger was discovered.

It was an AC/DC concert.

And people had no--

well, they had no clue the music

was that loud.

The lights went out.

AC/DC came on.

[imitates electric guitar]

And the whole audience went,

"Oh, my God, my ears!"

[laughter]

"Loud."

"I'm on the highway to hell."

"I'm coming with you,

just turn it down."

[cheers and applause]

I like the guy you always lose

in the beginning of the night.

He goes, "Hey, man, I'm gonna go

try to get backstage and meet

the band."

[singing]

>> Yo, what's up, chief?

How you doing?

>> I don't think so, pal.

>> Chill out, man.

I'm with the band.

I'm friends with them.

I'm on the list.

>> Name.

>> Uh, Plus One.

Used to be Alan Hibbler,

but I changed my name, you know,

like Prince.

So it should be a plus sign and

then one,

otherwise artist formerly known

as Alan Hibbler.

>> Nice try.

Beat it.

>> The band's gonna be pissed

off at you when I tell them.

>> Yeah, they'll get over it.

>> Yeah, well, we'll see,

'cause I'm gonna call them.

As soon as I get home, I'm gonna

call them.

It's gonna be your ass,

not mine, hotshot.

Hey, how are you doing?

They told me to take over for

a while.

You take your break.

Just for a little bit.

You could take your break.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa!

Where do yo think you're going?

>> I know the band.

>> You know the band?

What's the name?

>> Dan Schaffner.

>> Dan Schaffner.

Dan Schaffner.

Dan Schaffner, all right.

This is great.

Let me show you where

the band's at.

Come right this--

>> Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where do you think you're going?

>> I was gonna sh--

>> Hey, hey.

>> Oh, all right.

♪ A little time.

How you doing?

How are the boys doing?

They need some ass?

>> There's already a lot of ass

back there, buddy boy.

>> I'm sure there is but no

dirty bird ass like mine.

>> Yeah, that's for sure.

Man, I've never seen an ass like

that in my life.

>> Just for that, you ain't

gonna get any ass.

I'll take my ass where it's

appreciated.

And I wasn't ready for, like,

these mosh pits that they

do now.

It's crazy, man.

You know what mosh pits are,

right?

[grunting]

The band starts playing.

Everyone starts running around

and just pouncing one another,

just pouncing to show how much

they like the band.

You know, what happened to

clapping, man?

[laughter]

[grunting]

>> What are you doing in there?

Dancing with them?

You gotta throw some punches,

your cream puff.

>> "You gotta show 'em how much

you like 'em, man."

20 years from now concerts are

gonna be like--

[imitates machine gun]

[laughter]

[imitates explosions]

I'm your biggest fan.

[cheers and applause]

>> I used to have this one

friend Gene.

He used to be high all the time.

He's a big pothead, you know.

He always tried to, "Come on,

man.

It's me and you.

Smoke, man.

Nobody's gonna know."

Hey, look at my eyes.

If I was high, everyone would be

knowing, because look at me.

My eyes would be shut if I was

stoned.

[laughter]

Hey, this is great pot.

[giggles]

Sorry, man.

I'm high, man.

Gene was the funniest.

All he would do--stoners,

all they do is just, like,

sit down.

They love watching TV and

analyzing things.

He used to sit and watch

all the game shows.

"Yo, man.

I want to be on a game show,

man.

I know all the answers, man."

You can stump any stoner with

one question on any show.

Like, "All right, stoners.

You guys ready for the big money

question?"

"Bring it on, man."

[applause]

>> What were we just talking

about?

[playful music]

[buzzard sounds]

>> Um...

did I win?

>> Okay, the lightning round

should be a lot of fun.

[buzzing]

>> I used to drink like a

maniac.

Like, 18 to 22, just drink.

There's no reason to get sick

when you go drinking.

All right, I'm gonna help all

you out right here, right now,

so you never ever get sick

again.

Easy analogy.

Every time you go drinking,

just remember it's just like

having a little party,

all right.

But the party is in your

stomach.

The stomach's the bouncer.

Don't piss him off, man.

Now, when you have a party,

you invite your friends.

You invite your family, 'cause

you know everyone gets along,

you know.

If there's a fight, you go,

"Hey, come on, man.

You guys know each other."

"All right, yeah.

Everything's cool.

Sorry, man."

"That's okay."

Same thing when you have alcohol

in the stomach.

See, now, beer you can mix up

all you want, 'cause beer gets

along with one another.

[rock music]

>> Oh, yeah!

>> Woo-hoo!

>> Beer shows up in your

stomach.

[imitating knocking at door]

"Hey, stomach.

What's up, man?

Um...it's just us beer,

you know, looking for a little

party.

You know everyone, man.

You know Coors Light, Sam Adams,

Budweiser, Becks."

"Uns hello."

"He's crazy, man.

That's why we bring him.

He's crazy."

>> The purity of your German

heritage is diluted with

genetically inferior hops.

[burping]

>> And your stomach's cool

with that.

"All right, come on in.

Just keep it down, all of you."

Next thing you know, a couple

Scotches show up.

[playing bagpipe]

Scotch is walking around with

his boys.

[in Scottish accent]

"Hey, look, laddie.

It's right there.

Come here, boys."

[laughter]

"Look at that--

Hey!

Watch this.

Heineken.

Right here, you right bastards.

Dirty wanker.

I'll knock you on your boom."

>> You're nothing but a chaser.

>> You know, now you feel that

tension going on, but now

everyone's showing up.

Jagermeister.

>> Call me a jager.

>> Fuzzy navels.

>> I want to dance.

>> Sometimes sake.

[laughter]

Now, everyone's in there.

The place is packed,

a lot of tension.

Your stomach's trying to

keep control.

But at the end of the night,

who always shows up?

Tequila, exactly.

[cheers and applause]

>> May I go party?

[speaking in Spanish]

>> And tequila never shows

up alone.

There's always eight or nine of

them lined up.

Now, Tequila's persistent.

[with Spanish accent]

"Oh, come on, man.

We won't start no trouble, man."

[laughter]

"We just came here to have

a good time.

That's all, man.

Right, señor?"

"That's right, señor."

"We left the worm back

in the van.

It won't mess with nobody, man."

And like an idiot, your stomach

lets in one shot of tequila.

And then he sneaks in all his

friends when nobody's looking.

"Come on, man.

Ain't nobody looking.

Go through the legs, señor."

And then--

[imitates festive Spanish music]

[imitates gunshots]

Fights break out, and your

stomach goes, "All right.

That's it.

Everyone, get out.

Get--oh, no, no, no.

No, not that way.

The way you came in.

Let's go.

Get out."

[cheers and applause]

As a comedian, you know,

I get to travel a lot and stuff

like that.

And it stinks, because during

the day, you don't have a whole

lot to do.

So I used to love going to

zoos, and I brought my friend

there one time, you know.

And he's like, "Before we go in

the zoo, man, I gotta do what I

gotta do, man,

'cause the animals are what's

funny in that state of

condition, man."

[laughing]

For entertainment, Gene just

stood there,

bent down to this goat,

just mimicking goats for a half

hour.

He'd just go like, "Ssh, let me

do it, man.

Hold on, man."

[imitates goat]

[laughter and applause]

And then I don't know if, like,

the goats thought he was the

goat god, 'cause they'd go

crazy, like, 40 different goats.

[imitating goats]

And--

[cheers and applause]

[buzzard sounds]

Do we get prizes?

But there was always one old

goat in the back.

And he couldn't really

do anything.

[imitates old goat croaking]

So what you hear is, like--

[imitates goats]

[croaking]

Like, "Come on, Mr. Goat,

you can do it, man.

Come here, man.

Come here, man.

Come on, man.

Come on.

[imitates goat]

[croaking]

"Give me some of my stuff, man.

Nobody's gonna know, man.

You're so paranoid.

Shut up, man."

[inhaling loudly]

[blows loudly]

[imitates goat]

Thank you all. Thank you.

Have a good night.

Thank you.

All right.

[cheers and applause]

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