ULTIMATE SKETCH ARCHIVE
A mother makes a rap video for her college-age son, two grifters try to con each other, and Big Boi has a chance encounter with Andre 3000 at a coffee shop.
Man--forget this fool, man.He's fronting.
Ain't no one here scared of you,you fake-ass gangster.
Get your fake assup out of here!
You were scaredfor, like, a minute, though.
This nigga eating his gun.
[imitating car hydraulics]
What you looking at?
- Hey, what's up, y'all?- Ooh, dude!
Hey, what you guys playing?
Oh, nothing.Just a little DVD, right?
- Mm-hmm.- What DVD?
Uh, it came for you in the mail.
It says, "To my fresh, dope sonfrom MC Mom."
- I can't wait to see it.- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.- No, please, guys, guys.
If there's one thingwe're gonna do today,
we are playing that DVD.
- Come on, man.- Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.Please, man.
Did you produce this track?No, no, sit down.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Yo.- [laughter]
- Got on the mom jeans.- Whoo!
Look at the sweater.Look at the sweater.
♪ I'm the M to the Cto the m-o-m ♪
♪ And when it comesto mom rappers ♪
♪ I'm the biggity best of them
- Wow.- She--is she rapping?
♪ I'm sending out this rhymeto my homie number one ♪
♪ His name's Carl Stewart,but to me he's just son ♪
- Whoa!- Oh, my God.
Okay, she gotthat running man down.
- Look at Mom.- Can we please turn this off?
- Oh, no, no.- He said turn it up.
- Turn it up.- Turn it up.
♪ You left some stuff behind
♪ That I can send youif you need ♪
♪ Like your best friend bearand your magazines ♪
♪ I'm goingthrough all this stuff ♪
♪ But it looks pretty risky
♪ You use so much lotion,but your socks sure are crispy ♪
- Come on, Mom!- Okay.
♪ I've been cleaningwith the broom and the vacuum ♪
♪ And found Victoria's Secret,and she's hiding in your room ♪
♪ Every nook and cranny,there are wads of tissue ♪
♪ I can't even openthis swimsuit issue ♪
Man, what--what is wrongwith you, bro?
I spilled a sodaon that magazine.
♪ I'm getting your sheetsso nice and clean ♪
♪ Like when you wet your bedtill you were 16 ♪
- Mom, what?- ♪ I overreacted
- Okay, okay.- Sorry I spanked you.
♪ Look, another crispy sock,no, thank you ♪
(all) Oh!- Why!
- No.- She sniffed.
That is wrong.
How many crispy socksshe gonna find, dog?
♪ Crispy socks here
♪ Crispy socks there
♪ Crispy sockswith some mystery hair ♪
We're gonna turn it offright now.
Come on, you guys.Come on.
We started it.We gonna finish it.
Oh.Oh, the beat changed up.
♪ I got the kitchenand the basement ♪
♪ And the living room
♪ And since your dadmet that bitch ♪
♪ I got his office too
♪ Got my juices going,my rhymes flowing ♪
♪ My breath blowing,showing no signs of slowing ♪
♪ I can feel my skills growing
♪ Took a little practiceto crack this ♪
♪ These lyrical gymnastics
♪ But now the fact isqueen bee ♪
♪ I'ma be throwing outyour fucking mattress ♪
♪ Hell yeah,baddest bitch in the biz ♪
♪ Taking this show on the road
♪ You can clean upyour own jizz, nigga ♪
- Man!- Yo, yo, MC Mom...
(all)Put the pussy on the chainwax!Ah!
(male announcer)As Don's week in the warehouse
was wrapping up,he decided it was time
to come cleanwith his employees.
Actually, everybody, uh,
I've got an announcementto make.
Don't nobody want to hearyour bullshit, newbie.
- Okay.- Don't nobody want to hear it!
I think you will careabout this one,
so gather around.
I'm not actuallya new employee.
You could say that again.
You a waste of space,as far as I'm concerned.
Can't get nothing done on time.
Like a--like a snail over here.
I am actually presidentof the company.
You're on Undercover Boss.
- What?- The TV show, yeah.
- What?- Wow.
In this week since I've beenworking here amongst you,
I got to hear each and every oneof your stories, just about,
and, uh, I...
You know I wasjust playing, right?
You know I--I was justtrying to lighten the mood
in the workplaceand whatnot, you know.
Thank you, Joseph.
Buddy, you were telling methat your car broke down,
and it hasn't beenworking right ever since.
Well, I want to get youa new Ford Explorer.
Oh, my God.Thank--thank you so much, Mark.
That means so much to me.
My whole familydied in one day.
- Joseph.- Thank you.
Huge car crash.Huge, man.
We were having a family picnic,and then this truck
just came on throughand just killed everybody.
It choppedeverybody's heads off.
Eleanore, you were worriedthat you were not going
to be able to afford collegefor your two--two boys,
and I'm starting a collegefund for them both.
Putting $10,000in each one of them.
This is amazing.I'm so grateful.
You know, I-I can'tmake no family anymore
'cause my dick got chopped upin the accident--
- Joseph, Joseph.- And now I pee out the side.
Sometimes I wake upin the middle of the night.
I just--I start to pee.
Right in my mouth.
Oh, Joseph,that's disgusting.
Sometimes poop come outthe other side.
- I don't even know why that--- Joseph.
My dick is in eight pieces.
Joseph.Okay, you know--
If you couldjust give me a raise.
I ain't asking for no kindof scholarships or nothing.
Okay, you know, Joseph,I'm gonna get--
I'm gonna go--getto you right now.
Okay, dude, did I mentionI was a prostitute
since the age of 17?15--10?
7--3--been a prostitutesince I was 3.
I was in--I was a prostitutein the womb.
A dude put his peepeein my--in my mama,
and it got inside of me,and then--
and then they gave me money.
Just please, man.Just give me a raise.
Joseph, you have been rude to mesince the moment I came here.
Come on, man.
I mean, I was playingwith you, dog.
I knew you was the bossthe whole time, man.
Look at this fakeass mustache.
Ow--that's my real mustache,Joseph.
That really hurt.
Get out of here.
Can I stay and watch?
Get out of here.
I got a rare--I got a rare condition
that make me unlikable.
No, you don't, Joseph.
Lance, you been in the urinalwith me.
You see me in the urinal.
Lance, I am sorry,but do not engage him.
Tell him--tell him my dickin three pieces.
Joseph,leave Lance alone.
It's true, so they give mea little bit of money.
- No, it's not gonna happen.- Can I have a--
He did--he did--
Joseph, leave Normanout of this.
- The foreman.- Norman the foreman?
That's his name.
I know that.
I work intimately with him.
No, you don't, you're fired.
All right.Go on.
All right, out the doorwith you, Joseph.
I am sorry about that.
Is he gone?
Okay, uh, Betty...
When you told methat your father passed away,
it hit me because my fatherpassed away.
But my dick got chopped up,though!
My dick got chopped up.
That is sodisrespectful, Joseph.
What are you doing?I thought you left, Joseph.
Like gristleoff a Thanksgiving turkey.
- You're lying, and I don't--- I got a gristle dick.
Joseph,that's wildly inappropriate.
Straight meat gristle.
It's hanging out hereright here, right now.
- You can't see it.- Joseph!
We have so many siblings,
and just to know that weboth share a familial bond
and that there's nothingthat can take that away.
But my dick gotchopped up, though.
Where--how did you...?
Here's your coffee.
Hey, man, I just haveto say, I am a huge fan.
Outkast, like,changed my life.
Yeah, yeah.Thanks, man.
So are you gonna collaboratewith André 3000 again?
People grow apart.
May I have a half-caffdecaf mint mocha latte,
foam on the bottom,served in a flower vase,
and if y'all gotsome green food coloring
back there, throw it in.
In the flesh.
Big Boi is right over there.
- [gasping dramatically]- Big Boi!
Bitch, I'm tryingto read a book.
What's up, my brotherfrom another mother, man?
Hey, when I say mother, you knowI'm talking about art, right,
'cause we got cut out ofher womb linked together.
What's up, man?What's up, André?
I ain't gonna say it, man.
It's not 2,999.
It's not 3,001.- André 3000.
Hey, man, what happenedto you after the show?
I just--I must have, like, snuckout or something like that.
[in English accent]I thought perchanceyou went missing.
Don't do the voices, man.
Do what voice, my dear boy?
Why do you--why do yougot to do the voices, man?
Why you doing the voices?Why you doing that, man?
One green half-caff halfdecaf mint mocha latte,
foam on the bottom,in a vase?
I got a new ideafor a album, man.
It's gonna be just the soundof screeching metal,
and then only onespoken word per track.
- Cool, cool.- Yeah.
[high pitched squeals]
That's my new screechingmetal sounds
I was talking aboutearlier, man.
One green half-caff halfdecaf mint mocha latte,
foam on the bottom,in a vase or "vahz."
You ain't hear?
you the only niggathat ever order that drink.
Yeah, okay, so whatis going on with me?
What is happening with me?
Man, what the fuckhappened, man?
- What are you talking about?- We used to be somebody, man.
We used to be a team.
We was on top.
Then you wentand lost your fucking mind.
Can we just lose this, man?
Can we just lose the 3000and just have you talk as André?
Tell me--tell me straight up,man, what happened?
You know what be evenbetter, though, man?
Is if you looked into thepinwheel with your third eye.
I thought you was gonna saysome stupid shit like that.
And everythingwill be revealed.
All right, man.It's been good, man, thank you.
- Thanks for coming by, man.- Okay, yeah.
Matter of fact, I gotan appointment right now
to go get fitted for a toga.
- You got--you got to go.- Mm-hmm.
You leaving me.That's a...
Don't do it.
May Eros, Artemis,and Apollo
guide you throughyour musical journey.
Why does your breath smelllike birdseed?
- Au revoir.- All right.
Thank you, café craftsman.
Sweep boop dweeps.
Sorry, he--he didn't actuallypay for that drink.
I got it.