Dana Gould & Larry Amoros

  • 02/24/1992

SOMETHING OF A TWIST.

WE'VE HAD SO MANYDIFFERENT LOOKS THIS WEEK.

I JUST WENTCONSERVATIVE TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW, IT'S GOODJUST TO GET INTO THAT...

NO?

IT'S NOT?

I MEAN, IT'S NOT EXACTLYA TIRED CONSERVATIVE.

Woman:GO?

GO?

ALL RIGHT, GOOD NIGHT!

THEY HAVE BEEN WEARINGMY ASS OUT TODAY.

I AM SO WASTED.

I HAD TO DO THIS LONG INTERVIEW

WITH STONE PHILLIPSFROM DATELINE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE A BIG PROFILEON ME IN DATELINE?

YOU KNOW THAT SHOWTHAT'S ON NBC?

ISN'T THAT WEIRD?

ASKED ME ALL THESEREALLY PERSONAL QUESTIONS.

I WAS, LIKE,"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

"OH, YOU'RE INTERVIEWING ME.

I FORGOT."

BECAUSE I GET REALLY BITCHYAND DEFENSIVE

LIKE HE WAS SOMEBODYWHO STOPPED ME ON THE STREET.

HE WAS, LIKE, REALLYINVADING MY PRIVACY

AND THEN I REALIZEDI WANTED HIM TO DO THIS.

THAT I ACTUALLY...I HAD CULTIVATED MY WHOLE LIFE

SO I COULD BE, YOU KNOW,COMPLETELY INVADED BY SOME FREAK

WITH, LIKE, A NORMAL HAIRCUT.

OR WAS IT AN ABNORMAL HAIRCUT?

IT DEPENDS HOW YOU LOOK AT IT.

IT WAS WEIRD.

YOU TWO...

I'M RIVETED TO YOU TWO.

YOU'RE WEARINGAN ARMANI EXCHANGE T-SHIRT.

YOU HAVE THE JAW LINE THATBRUCE WEBER PERSONALLY DESIGNED.

YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT OUT OF, LIKE,COMPLETE FRONT OF VANITY FAIR.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

ARE YOU MODELS?

( laughter )

ARE YOU MODELS/BRAIN SURGEONS?

( laughter )

WHAT, YOU ARE?

SHE SAID SHE WAS.

AND YOU ARE, TOO.

YOU SAID, "NO, NO,"BUT YOU WERE GOING LIKE THIS.

BUT A LOT OF PEOPLEHAVE THAT PROBLEM.

"NO, NO."

"DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEXWITH ME?"

"NO... NO."

( laughter )

I GET THAT A LOT.

WHAT? YOU ARE A BRAIN SURGEON.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

YOU'VE GOT SOME BIG, BIG ROCKSON YOUR EARS.

THOSE ARE NICE.

DID HE GIVE THOSE TO YOU?

NO, SOMEBODY ELSE?

WELL, SHE COULD'VE BOUGHT THEMFOR HERSELF

IF SHE WAS ANY KINDOF AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN.

BUT SHE'S NOT--SHE'S DEPENDENT...

IS SHE?

SORRY.

NO, I'M JUST...

YOU WERE WEARINGBEAUTIFUL CLOTHES

AND I JUST WANTEDTO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT

BECAUSE SO FEW PEOPLEDO LOOK NICE THESE DAYS

THAT WHENEVER IT HAPPENS...

AT LEAST YOU'RE NOT WEARING ALITTLE TUBE TOP OR SOMETHING...

AND FLIP-FLOPS...

( laughter )

AND FEELING GOOD ABOUT IT.

PEOPLE JUST SHOW UP ANY...

DON'T GET ME INTO IT.

WELCOME TO THE A LIST,AND HERE WE ARE STANDING

IN LIBERACE'S BACKYARDON LAUNDRY DAY.

( laughter )

I WAS... OUTSIDE ON THEBOULEVARD LATER ON LAST NIGHT

AFTER THE OTHER SHOW.

I WATCHED IT.

I SAW AN OLD GUY WALKING DOWNTHE STREET MUMBLING TO HIMSELF.

THERE ARE SO MANYOF THOSE PEOPLE AROUND NOWADAYS.

EVERY THREE FEET THERE'S SOMEPOOR WOMAN WALKING BY HERSELF:

"DON'T TELL MEIT'S NOT A DAMN HOUSE.

"IT'S NOT A DAMN HOUSE;IT'S A DAMN APARTMENT.

"I'VE BEEN THERE 37 YEARS.

"CALL THE DAMN COPS.

I DON'T GIVE A ...."

EVERYWHERE YOU GO.

IT'S AS IF THERE WASA CAVELOAD OF LUNATICS

AND THEY PUSHED AWAYTHIS BIG ROCK

AND THEY ALL BOLTEDINTO TOWN REALLY QUICK.

BUT THE THING IS, THEY ONLY SEEMTO BE TALKING TO THEMSELVES.

WHAT IF THEY'RE NOT?

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA.

WHAT IF THEY'REACTUALLY SYNCHRONIZED?

WHAT IF FOR EVERY GUYWALKING ALONE GOING:

"NOBODY TELLS A NAVY MANWHEN HE'S HAD ENOUGH TO DRINK

BECAUSE ONLY A NAVY MAN KNOWSWHEN HE'S HAD ENOUGH TO DRINK"

MAYBE THERE'S ANOTHER GUY30 MILES AWAY

WALKING BY HIMSELF GOING:

"SHUT UP, YOU WEREN'TIN THE NAVY.

"KISS MY BUTT.

"I DON'T NEED THIS CRAP.

"I HEAR IT ALL DAYAND I'M TIRED OF IT.

I DON'T NEED IT."

IT'S JUST A THEORY.

I GOT MUGGEDABOUT SIX MONTHS AGO.

THE ODDEST THING ABOUTTHE ENTIRE SITUATION, THOUGH

WAS THAT I WASN'T AFRAID...WHICH IS STRANGE

BECAUSE BASICALLYI EXPERIENCE MY LIFE

THROUGH TWO PRIMARY EMOTIONS,FEAR AND SUPPRESSED FEAR.

ALL MY LIFE I'VE HAD THISINGROWN TERROR OF BEING ALONE

AND RECENTLY MY GIRLFRIENDOF FOUR YEARS--

WE'LL CALL HER "ANNE."

ACTUALLY, I HAVE ALL MYEX-GIRLFRIENDS LUMPED TOGETHER

IN ONE BIG GIRLFRIENDI CALL "MANDY":

"MY... ANOTHER... NEUROTIC...DISAPPOINTMENT... YES."

( laughter and scattered applause )

SO ANNE MOVED OUT

AND I FINALLY WAS STUCKIN THIS APARTMENT ALONE

AND I HAD TO FACE MY FEAR,AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

NOT ONLY DID SHE MOVE OUT, BUTSHE TOOK EVERYTHING WITH HER.

I'M JUST LEFT SCRAMBLING AROUNDTHESE THREE BIG EMPTY ROOMS

LIKE CURIOUS GEORGEON HIS BIG DAY AT THE MUSEUM.

( imitates monkey call )

I WAS LEFT WITH EVERYTHINGI BROUGHT TO THE RELATIONSHIP

A TOASTER AND A FORK--

MY ONE-STOP BREAKFAST ANDSUICIDE-BY-ELECTROCUTION KIT.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHICH WAYTHE EVENING'S GOING TO GO

SO THE NEXT MORNINGI WANT TO HAVE OPTIONS.

LIKE I'VE HAD THIS FEAR...

BUT I HATE EATINGIN RESTAURANTS.

I'M OBNOXIOUSLY POLITEWITH THE WAITERS.

"YOU KNOW, I JUST WANTA TUNA SANDWICH...

"I'LL GO GET IT-- YOU SIT HERE.

I'LL MAKE IT."

WHEN I WAS A KID,WE WENT OUT TO EAT.

OUR ENTIRE FAMILY USED TO EAT

AT THIS ONE PARTICULARRESTAURANT IN OUR HOMETOWN.

I GREW UP IN A TOWNCALLED HOPEDALE, MASSACHUSETTS.

I WAS BORN THERE IN 1964.

THE ONLY THING I HATE OUTSIDEOF MYSELF IS EVERYTHING ELSE.

THERE WAS A RESTAURANT INHOPEDALE CALLED THE PANCAKE MAN

AND I CAN STILL HEAR THE SONG.

♪ DO YOU KNOW THE PANCAKE MAN

♪ THE PANCAKE MAN,THE PANCAKE MAN? ♪

♪ DO YOU KNOW THE PANCAKE MAN?

♪ HE LIVES RIGHT OFF ROUTE 2.

AND WHAT WOULD HAPPEN

IS MY FATHER WOULD GETABOUT A SIX-PACK IN HIM.

EVERY CAN A BULLET IN THECHAMBERS OF HIS EMOTIONAL PISTOL

AND HE'D TEND TO FORGET

WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIMEWE TRIED TO GO OUT TO EAT

AND HE'D GET WHAT WE'D CALL"BUDWEISER BRAVERY."

"I'M TAKING MY BOYS OUT."

HE'D PACK SIX PETRIFIED KIDS

INTO THE BACK OF A WOOD-PANELSTATION WAGON.

COUNTRY SQUIRE.

WE ALL HAD THAT FEAR GRINSTAPLED TO OUR FACE.

( imitating staple gun )

"WHERE YOU KIDS WANT TO EAT?"

"CHINA COOK."

"PAPA GINOS."

"PANCAKE MAN."

AND MY MOTHER, WHO'S SOUTHERN,SHE'D GIVE US THE BIG:

"ALL RIGHT, YOU KIDS BE GOOD.

"BE GOOD.

"PLEASE, BE GOOD FOR MOMMY.

"YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW HOW HE IS.

BE GOOD FOR YOUR MOM."

"NO."

SO WE GET TO THE RESTAURANT

WITH THOSE FAMILY-RESTAURANTORANGE AND YELLOW TABLES

AND PICTURES OF JOHN ANDROBERT KENNEDY OVER EVERYTHING

AND THE SAME HAPPY MUSIC TAPEEVERY TIME.

THEY HAD SOME GENERIC HAPPYMUSIC TAPE THEY GOT IN 1967

AND EVERY TIME WE'D GO IN,IT WAS THE SAME MUSIC.

( humming cheerful music )

TEN MINUTES INTO IT, MY FATHERHAS COMPLETELY REALIZED

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

HE'S SEIZEDBY THIS RICTUS OF TENSION.

"PUT IT DOWN.

"PUT IT DOWN.

"DANA!

QUICK."

"WHAT?

"I DON'T SEE KEVIN SPILLING IT--IT'S HIM.

YOU STAND UP FOR HIMBUT IT'S HIM EVERY TIME."

"I'LL DO ITBECAUSE I DON'T LISTEN TO YOU."

"I'M TELLING ALLOF YOU ONE TIME...

"STARTING WITH YOU.

"YOU SPILL ONE DROPOUT OF THAT G.....N SODA...

"YOU LOOKING AT ME?

"SEE THIS FORK?

I AM GOING TO STICK THIS FORKRIGHT IN YOUR EYEBALL."

( laughter )

( singing cheerful music )

"I'M NOT GOINGTO SPILL ANYTHING."

( singing cheerful music )

"I TOLD YOU HE'D SPILL IT!"

( singing cheerful music )

"WHY?

"NO, NO, NO.

"NO, YOU TELL ME WHY.

"EVERY TIME WE LEAVE THE HOUSE

"THIS ONE HAS TO MAKEA GODDAMN MESS!

NEVER MIND, NEVER MIND."

( scattered laughter )

"TAKE OFF YOUR GLASSES."

THEN YOU COULDN'T GO ANYWHEREFOR HELP

BECAUSE THE MINUTEA REAL PROBLEM ERUPTED

MY MOTHER'S WALLS OF DENIALWOULD GO UP

LIKE THE ENTERPRISE FORCE FIELD.

( imitates mechanical motor )

SHE TURNS INTO ATTACKOF THE ZOMBIE CATHOLICS.

"MOM, DAD STUCK A FORKIN MY EYE."

"YOU KNOW GOD HAS A PLANFOR EVERYONE, SWEETHEART."

( singing cheerful music )

20 MINUTES INTO IT,TOTAL ANARCHY HAS BROKEN OUT.

MY SISTER IS LOCKEDIN THE BATHROOM CRYING.

THE WAITRESS REFUSESTO BRING US OUR FOOD.

MY MOTHER'S IN THE PARKING LOT

BUILDING A CROSSOUT OF SOME OLD BOARDS.

"IF THIS FAMILY IS GOINGTO CRUCIFY ME

YOU MIGHT AS WELL DO IT RIGHT."

"EVERYBODY HAPPY NOW?"

"YOUR MOTHER'S PRETENDINGSHE'S JESUS AGAIN.

WELL, GUESS WHO'S NOT GOING TOPLAY ROMAN CENTURION TONIGHT?"

( scattered laughter )

WE'D HAVE TO GET OUT OF THERE

BEFORE THE LOCAL NEWSPAPERSSHOWED UP.

ALL WE NEEDED WAS ONE MORELIFESTYLE COVER OF MY MOTHER.

"LOCAL WOMANIN BIBLICAL TRIBUTE."

AND YET IN SPITEOF ALL THOSE FEARS

I CHOSE TO DO THIS FOR A LIVING.

I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS, WHICHHAS NO JOB SECURITY WHATSOEVER

YET IT ATTRACTSTHE MOST INSECURE PEOPLE.

LIKE, I'M DOING PRETTY WELL

BUT I'M CONVINCED NO MATTERHOW WELL MY CAREER GOES

I'LL END UP AS A LONELY OLD MAN

WANDERING DOWN THE STREETALL BY MYSELF

GOING UP TO STRANGE COUPLES,"WASH ME."

( laughter )

MY OLD GIRLFRIENDS FLYINGABOVE ME ON JET PACKS.

"OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S DANA."

( imitating space engine )

( scattered laughter )

"AH, THE HELL WITH IT.

"THE BEST THINGTHAT EVER HAPPENED

WAS THE DAY SHE WALKEDOUT OF MY LIFE."

30 MILES AWAY:"WHO YOU TRYING TO KID?

"YOU'RE STILL IN LOVE WITH HERAND YOU KNOW IT.

YOU JUST CAN'T HANDLE THE PAIN."

I'M SWEATINGFOR NO APPARENT REASON.

I'M WEARING A LINEN JACKETAND I'M SWEATING LIKE A MULE

SO I DO APOLOGIZE FOR THAT.

I HAVE NOT BEEN ON STAGEFOR FIVE MONTHS.

I HOPE YOU WILL ALL, UM...

STARE AT ME BLANKLY,JUST LIKE THAT.

THAT WOULD BE QUITE COMFORTING.

I'VE BEEN HERE EIGHT MONTHS.

I HAVE BEEN IN TWO EARTHQUAKES,A RACE RIOT AND FLOODS AND FIRES

AND I LEFT NEW YORK BECAUSEI COULDN'T HANDLE MY MOTHER.

YES.

( applause and cheering )

I'M JUST, LIKE, YOU KNOW...

I'M JUST, LIKE,TRYING TO HAVE FUN.

THE PEOPLE HERE I FIND ARE VERYNICE IN CALIFORNIA, YOU KNOW.

NOT THIS PARTICULAR MOMENT,APPARENTLY.

ARE YOU NICE OR YOU, LIKE,A BITCH?

BE HONEST.

WELL, YOU COULD ASK A QUESTION.

ARE YOU NICE? ALWAYS?

SEE, THAT COULDMAKE YOU THROW UP.

YOU KNOW THOSE PEOPLEWHO ARE ALWAYS NICE

TO THE POINTOF REALLY BEING IRRITATING?

YOU WANT TO PUNCH THEMRIGHT IN THE MOUTH.

"HI, HOW ARE YOU?HOW'S GRANDMA, GRANDPA?"

SHUT UP.

THAT'S HOW THEY ARE.

EVERY FAMILY HAS ONE.

IN MY FAMILY IT'S MY FATHER.

HE'S THE NICEST MANIN THE WORLD.

HE COULD SAY SOMETHING NICEABOUT ANYBODY.

SO FINALLY ONE DAYI GOT FED UP WITH IT.

I SAID, "DAD, WHAT ABOUTJOHN WAYNE GACY?

KILLED 35 PEOPLE,BURIED THEM UNDER THE HOUSE."

MY FATHER GOES, "WELL, HE'SNOT LAZY, AND HE'S A HOMEOWNER."

( laughter )

WHICH IS A LITTLE HOBBY OF MINE.

DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE KILLER?

I KNOW IT'S AN ODD QUESTION.

DEAL WITH IT.

YOU LOVE THE GACY GUY.

DO YOU HAVE A FAVE?

Woman:I LIKEHANNIBAL CANNIBAL.

HANNIBAL THE CANNIBAL.

HE'S BASED ON A REAL GUY.

NO WAY.

OH, YES.

THIS IS GOING TO TIE INVERY NICELY.

I HAVE THIS THEORY.

IN BIG CITIES YOU DON'T GETSERIAL KILLERS, JUST MANIACS.

IN NEW YORK, THE GUY WANTSYOUR RADIO-- BOOM, HE KILLS YOU.

OUT HERE, A GUY HEARS AN AVOCADOTALKING-- BOOM, HE KILLS YOU.

MOST OF THE SERIAL KILLERSCOME FROM THE MIDWEST

AND THEY'RE ALL FROM WISCONSIN.

GACY WAS ROCKFORD, ILLINOIS,FIVE MILES FROM THE BORDER.

ED GEIN, HE'S THE GUYCANNIBAL LECTER WAS BASED ON.

HE MADE FURNITURE OUT OF PEOPLE.

ISN'T THAT NICE?

IS THAT A CHIPPENDALE?

NO, IT'S BOB WEINSTEIN.

DID YOU WATCH THE DAHMER THING?

I THOUGHT THAT WASREAL KIND OF NICE TV.

DID YOU WATCH IT?

HIS MOTHER WAS THEREIN THE AUDIENCE.

EVERY DAY IN COURT.

WHAT COULD SHE POSSIBLY SAY?

"IT'S A PHASE.

YOUR UNCLE JACK ATE PEOPLETILL HE WAS 70."

( laughter )

"IT'S A PHASE."

NOW, THE SCARY THINGIS THEY FOUND HIM SANE.

PERFECTLY NORMAL!

JUST LIKE YOU AND ME.

( laughter )

DOESN'T EVERYBODYEAT THE NEIGHBORHOOD?

I THINK IF YOU CHEW UP30% OF YOUR BLOCK

YOU'VE GOT SOMETHINGWRONG WITH YOU.

WHICH MEANS THEY PUT HIM IN JAILINSTEAD OF A MENTAL INSTITUTION.

NOW, THE ONLY GOOD THINGWITH THAT

IS WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRYABOUT PRISON OVERCROWDING.

( applause and cheering )

"MR. DAHMER, WHERE AREALL THE OTHER GUYS?"

THIS COUNTRY IS SO SCREWED UP.

IT'S A WONDERFUL PLACE.

THE GOVERNMENT'SJUST A DISASTER AREA.

CLINTON, BUSH, PEROT--I HATE ALL OF THEM.

NOBODY WANTS GAYS IN THE ARMY

NOBODY WANTS GAYSIN THE CABINET.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS?

$27 MILLION TO FIND GAYSIN THE ARMY.

$27 MILLION?

WALK UP TO A GUY, GO,"CLANG, CLANG, CLANG"

IF HE GOES, "WENT THE TROLLEY,"YOU FOUND HIM.

SAVE ALL THE MONEY.

( hooting and scattered applause )

I DON'T GET IT.

YOU KNOW.

HAS ANYBODY EVER SEENA SESSION OF CONGRESS?

IT'S A TERRIFYING EXPERIENCE.

IT'S LIKE A HORROR MOVIE.

JESSE HELMS, I WENT ONCE

AND JESSE HELMS,THE "THINKER," WAS THERE

AND HE VETOED A WATER BILLAND A CLEAN AIR BILL

AND THEN THERE WAS A GAY RIGHTSBILL AND HE TURNED THAT DOWN

AND HE SAID HE'S HOMOPHOBIC.

LISTEN, HE GOES,"I'M AFRAID OF HOMOSEXUALS"

AND I KEEP THINKING,WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAIDTHEY'RE GOING TO DO?

SNEAK INAND REDECORATE THE PLACE?

YOU'LL WAKE UP-- CAFE CURTAINS.

"DAMN FAGGOTS ARE EVERYWHERE."

I MEAN, YOU'LL NEVER SEEA GAY BURGLAR

BECAUSE BURGLARS BREAK INAND GAY MEN MAKE HUGE ENTRANCES.

"WE'VE COME TO ROB THE HOUSE.

I BELIEVE YOU KNOW JONATHAN."

( laughter )

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