Mata, Williams, Holmes, Smiley

  • 08/20/2009

I WAS WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET TODAY.

I GOT STOPPED BY A COPHE WANTED MY AUTOGRAPH.

I WAS IN A RUSH. HE SAID,

"I'LL ARREST YOU IFYOU DON'T GIVE ME MY AUTOGRAPH."

SO I GAVE IT TO HIM.'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANNA MESS WITH

NEW YORK COPS. YOU KNOW THEY PUT A PLUNGER

IN SOME DUDE'S BEHIND ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO.

SEE THIS DUDE WAS HAITIAN.

SO HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE RULES HERE IN THIS COUNTRY.

THAT BLACK FOLKS DON'T TALK BACK TO THE COPS.

SEE SOMETIMES BLACK PEOPLE COME HERE, FOREIGNERS COME IN

THEY THINK THEY'RE BETTER THANTHE AVERAGE BROTHER, YOU KNOW,

[Haitian Accent] "I'M NOT BLACK, ME HAITIAN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND NEW YORK COPS, DON'T WANNA HEAR THAT.

HE'S IN THE BACK OF THE CAR, "YOU CAN'T TREAT ME LIKE THIS.

I GOT RIGHTS. ME NOT BLACK, ME HAITIAN."

[Thick New York Accent] "LOOK IT HERE, KUNTA KINTE.

"I DON'T CAREWHAT YOU ARE BACK THERE.

YOU JUST SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE."

"DON'T TALK TO ME WITH DISRESPECT.

I'M NOT BLACK, ME HAITIAN."

"HEY, YOU KEEP TALKING CRAPBACK THERE BOY,

I'M GONNA PUT A PLUNGER IN YOUR [BLEEP]."

IT'S LIKE "I DARE YEAH. I TRIPLE DARE YA.

ME NOT BLACK. ME HAITIAN."

IT'S LIKE, "TOMMY. PULL OVER TO THE HARDWARE STORE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY PUT THAT PLUNGER DEEP IN HIS [BLEEP]

AND THEN STUCK HIM TO THE WALL LIKE THIS.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY, YOU CAN'T TREAT ME LIKE THAT.

- I'M NOT BLACK. I'M HAITIAN." - [LAUGHTER]

I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE BEEN THERE

WHEN THEY FILLED OUT THAT POLICE REPORT.

YOU KNOW 'CAUSE THEY MADE STUFF UP. IT'S LIKE,

"AH, THE SUSPECT THERE TRIED TO ESCAPE IN THROUGH

"THE BATHROOM WINDOW. AND AFTER REPEATEDLY

"FALLIN' ON A PLUNGER 28 TIMES,

WE WERE FINALLY ABLE TO APPREHEND HIM.

"PS: HE'S NOT BLACK. HE'S HAITIAN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GUYS LOOK GOOD, MAN.COOL SIDEBURNS, BUDDY.

RIGHT OFF THE BAT. RIGHT ON.

YOU TOO, MAN. RIGHT. DON'T MEAN TO LEAVE YOU OUT.

I ALWAYS NOTICE THAT IMMEDIATELY 'CAUSE I CAN'T GROW ANY.

MY MOM SAYS IT'S BECAUSE I'M PART INDIAN

AND THAT THE GOVERNMENTTOOK THAT FROM ME, TOO.

- SO, AH... - [LAUGHTER]

IT'S CHEROKEE INDIAN, SO--NOT ENOUGH TO GET CASINO MONEY.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT JUST ENOUGH INDIAN THAT I CRY WHEN PEOPLE LITTER SO...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

THERE'S THAT DUMB COMMERCIAL WHERE THE AMERICAN WOULD LITTER

AND THEN THE INDIAN WOULD CRY, RIGHT?

- SO JUST MY RIGHT EYE CRIES... - [LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE MY MEXICAN EYE DOESN'T CARE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

MY EYES HATE EACH OTHER, MAN. THEY'RE ALWAYS FIGHTING.

IT'S A CONSTANT [WAR CRIES-- EEE!].

- IT'S A CONSTANT BATTLE. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS AT THE GYM A FEW WEEKS AGO ON THE EXERCISE BIKE

AND IT WAS ALMOST CLOSING TIME. AND THIS HEAVYSET LADY

CAME AND SAT ON THE BIKE RIGHT NEXT TO ME AND GOES,

"I'M HERE TO LOSE WEIGHT." AND I WAS LIKE,

"WELL, YOU WAITED TILL THE LAST MINUTE, DIDN'T YOU?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHAT,I STILL LAUGH AT THINGSI KNOW I SHOULDN'T, MAN.

BUT SOME THINGS ARE JUST TOO FUNNY, YOU KNOW?

LIKE WHEN PEOPLE FALL DOWN. THAT'S FUNNY. RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT THAT IS?

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOWIF THEY'RE ALL RIGHT YET.

RIGHT?

AND FOR LIKE A SPLIT SECOND YOU JUST DON'T CARE.

'CAUSE THEY COULD BE BLEEDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU

AND YOU'RE-- [LAUGHS]

"OOH, DANG. BUDDY, YOU ALL RIGHT? HOLY COW."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE I'D RATHER FALL THAN TRIP, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE WHEN YOU FALL,YOU COULD JUST LAY THERE

AND NOT LOOK AT ANYBODY THAT SAW YOU DO IT, RIGHT?

YOU JUST LOOK AT THE GROUND AND GO, "I KNOW WHAT I DID."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT TRIPPING IS THE WORST, 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT WHEN I'M TRIPPING I LOOK AROUND...

TO SEE WHO'S WATCHING.

WHY DO I WANNA MAKE EYE CONTACT? THAT'S LIKE SAYING,

"HEY, WHY DON'T YOU SHARE THE LOWEST POINT IN MY LIFE WITH ME RIGHT NOW."

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE THE WORST TRIP EVER. LIKE HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT

THERE WAS A STEP UP OR A STEP DOWN?

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT? AND THERE WASN'T?

MAN, THAT HURTS.

'CAUSE WHETHER IT'S UP OR DOWN, MY LEG GOES LIKE THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND TIME STOPS. I'M LIKE, "HOLY COW.

"I'M JUST GONNA COOL OUTRIGHT HERE FOR A SECOND.

"AND I'M GONNA WAIT FOR MY KNEE TO POP OUT OF MY HIP.

"AND THEN I'LL CATCH UP. AND THEN I'LL BE RIGHT ALONG."

AND MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE,"ARE YOU CRYING?"

AND I'M LIKE, "NO, I'M NOT.YOU KNOW I SAW SOMEBODY LITTER

SO TECHNICALLY I'VE BEEN TO TWO SENIOR PROMS.

AND BOY WAS I DRUNK AT THE FIRST ONE.

- I-- YEAH. - [LAUGHTER]

IT WAS THE '70s. THEY DRANK THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE PREGNANCY.

THE 3rd TRIMESTER'S A BLUR. I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.

ALL I KNOW IS I HAD MY FIRST MARTINI

BEFORE I HAD ALL OF MY KNUCKLES. THAT CAN'T BE GOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN HER WATER BROKE, IT WAS 80 PROOF.

- ANYBODY? - [LAUGHTER]

SO MY PARENTS ARE DEAD.

- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER] - YEAH.

THAT ALWAYS GETS A HUGE LAUGH.

THEY REALLY ARE DEAD. MY DAD LEFT BEFORE I WAS BORN.

HE DIED. MY MOM DIED. ALL MY GRANDPARENTS ARE DEAD.

I DON'T HAVE ANY BROTHERS OR SISTERS.

YEAH, EVERYBODY'S QUIET NOW. IT FREAKS YOU OUT.

BUT WHEN THAT HAPPENS AS A YOUNG CHILD

YOU DEVELOP A SENSE OF HUMOR TO TRY TO DEAL WITH IT. YOU KNOW?

LIKE GROWING UPI ALWAYS PICTURED MYSELFALONE ON FAMILY FEUD.

- "GOOD ANSWER. GOOD--" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HA, HA, HA.

I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE HAVING TROUBLE WITH THIS BUT FOLKS,

NOT LAUGHING AT THE JOKES WON'T BRING 'EM BACK.

IT'S PERFECTLY OKAY.

I KNOW A LOT OF YOU ARE FREAKED OUT.

LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING WE CAN ALL RELATE TO.

SO BLACK PEOPLE, HUH. YEAH. PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS.

NO, EVERYBODY'S LIKE, "THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE.

THERE'S BLACK PEOPLE HERE."THEY HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, TOO.

I MAKE FUN OF BLACK PEOPLE. I WISH I WAS BLACK.

THAT WAY I COULD START DATIN' YOU WHITE GIRLS AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DON'T BLAME ME.

I DIDN'T HAVE ANY PARENTS TO TELL ME THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

THEY DON'T WANT YOUR SYMPATHY. GAY, BLACK, WHITE, ORPHAN, WHO CARES.

I LEARNED THAT FROM A GIRL I DATED IN COLLEGE.

SHE HAD A BABY ARM. DID YOU EVER SEE ONE OF THOSE?

YEAH. YEAH. LIKE A LITTLE BABY'S ARM ON A REGULAR BODY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT TO LAUGH.SHE USED TO GET MAD

'CAUSE NOBODY WOULD EVER TALK ABOUT IT.

THEY'D BE LIKE, "HEY, OH..."

SHE JUST WANTED TO BE TREATED LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

I BUSTED HER BALLS ALL THE TIME. SHE LOVED IT.

I CALLED HER T-REX. [Growls]

[Growling Continues]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT HER A TROMBONE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.

SHE SAID [BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, RARRR!]

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SOME OF YOU ARE LOOKING AROUND FOR SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE

WITH A BABY ARM. "OH MY. NO WONDER HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD.

HE'S AN ASS [BLEEP]"

[LAUGHTER]

IS THERE SOMEBODY HEREWITH A BABY ARM?

I DON'T WANNA PISS YOU OFF. SERIOUSLY. RAISE YOUR HAND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HIGHER.

WOULDN'T THAT BE FUNNY

IF THERE WAS A BLACK GUY HERE WITH A BABY ARM?

WE'D ALL PEE OUR PANTS. "YEAH, REAL FUNNY, BITCH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M GONNA SHOOT YOUR PUNK CRACKER ASS.

IF I COULD JUST REACH MY GUN. DAMN."

THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GLAD I MADE IT. SOME OF YOU ARE EXCITED, TOO.

LIKE, "LOOK, IT'S PRINCE WILLIAM.

[LAUGHTER]

AND HE'S HUGE."

YEAH. I'M ACTUALLY SIX FOOT SIX, WHICH IS HARD.

'CAUSE THERE ARE THINGS A GUY MY SIZE CAN'T DO, YOU KNOW.

LIKE-- LIKE HIDE. YEAH, FROM KILLERS.

SOMEONE KICKED DOWN MY DOOR JUST LIKE,

"I'M GONNA KILL EVERYBODY I CAN SEE."

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S OVER.

LITTLE PEOPLE JUST POP INTO A COOKIE JAR.

HAVE A COOKIE. LIKE, "MY PEOPLEMAKE THESE IN A TREE."

SLIDE UNDER THE FRIDGE. YOU'RE SAFE.

ALL I CAN DO IS STAND REALLY STILL.

HOPE HE THINKS I'M ASTATUTE OF JOHN RITTER.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

YEAH, SHOPPIN' AT THE DOLLAR STORE, BIG SPENDER.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS, THOUGH.

WHAT DO YOU THINKTHE EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT IS

AT THE DOLLAR STORE?

DO YOU THINK IT'S JUST, "TAKE IT"?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS ARE AFRAID OF IDENTITY THEFT,

BUT I JUST WENT OUT AND BOUGHT A PAPER SHREDDER.

YEAH. I LOVE IT. SHRED EVERYTHING. RECEIPTS...

- THE MANUAL. - [LAUGHTER]

I LOVE THAT THE PAPER SHREDDER CAM WITH A MANUAL,

'CAUSE THAT'S THE FIRST TO GO.LAST THING I'LL MENTION,

I DON'T KNOWIF THIS IS A WOMAN THING,

BUT I WAS HAVING LUNCH WITH MY WIFE TODAY.

OUT OF THE BLUE SHE JUST LEANS OVER TO ME AND GOES,

"PETE, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW.

"IF I EVER GET REALLY SICK AND I'M IN THE HOSPITAL,

"IT'S OKAY IF YOU WANNA MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE

AND SEE OTHER PEOPLE."

[SILENCE]

YOU FEEL HOW TENSE IT IS RIGHT NOW?

THAT'S HOW TENSE IT WAS. SHE MEANT IT TO BE SWEET.

BUT SHE REALLY JUST FREAKED ME OUT.

LIKE NEXT TIME I HAVE THE FLUSHE'LL BE LIKE,

- "THIS IS JULIO." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I NOTICE WHEN WHITE PEOPLE DIE,

WHEN Y'ALL DIE, Y'ALL HAVE THE FUNERAL THE NEXT DAY.

Y'ALL GET IT OVER WITH. SOMEBODY IN OUR FAMILY DIE,

"WHEN THE FUNERAL?" "IT'S GONNA BE NEXT MONTH.

"WE GOT TO WAIT FOR LEROY AND THEM TO COME FROM DETROIT.

"HE GOTTA TAKE SIX SICK DAYS AND COME DOWN THERE.

"GO THROUGH CLEVELAND TO PICK UP MARCUS AND THEM.

AND THEN THEY GONNA COME ON DOWN TO ALABAMA..."

[LAUGHTER]

WHITE PEOPLE ARE COOL IN THE FUNERAL HOME.

Y'ALL DIE, MAN, Y'ALL GO VIEWTHE BODIES, NO PROBLEM.

AND Y'ALL JUST CHILLIN'.YOU KNOW, LIKE...

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

WE DON'T WALK INTO THE FUNERAL HOME.

WE STRODE IN THE FUNERAL HOME.

MY GRANDMOTHER GO TO A FUNERAL HOME,

DON'T EVEN KNOWTHE PEOPLE THAT'S DEAD.

SHE WAS A PROFESSIONAL MOURNER. DON'T KNOW THE LADY.

SHE WOULD GET UP TO THE CASKET AND ACT A FOOL.

[SCREAMING]

"BIG MAMA, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT LADY.

GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THIS..."

BECAUSE Y'ALL KNOW THE FUNERAL HOME IS REALLY

CHARGING YOU FOR THE DAY. THEY CHARGE YOU FOR THE DAY.

DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULD COME OUT CHEAPER

HAVIN' YOUR FUNERAL WITH SOMEBODY ELSE?

PEOPLE--

PEOPLE ARE HAVIN' FUNERALS TOGETHER TO TRY TO SAVE MONEY.

I SAW AN AD IN THE PAPER. "WE HAVE A LOST A LOVED ONE.

"IF ANYONE IN YOUR FAMILY DIE, PLEASE GIVE US A CALL.

AND WE CAN GO IN HALF ON THE FUNERAL."

I WENT TO A DOUBLE FUNERAL. THEY HAD BUNK BED CASKETS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY GRANDMA WENT RIGHT BACK IN THERE.

"LORD, OH, IT'S NOT EVEN HER."

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE HAVE A DRIVE-THRU FUNERAL HOME.

A DRIVE-THRU FUNERAL HOME.

YOU CAN'T HAVE NOTHIN' LIKE THAT FOR BLACK PEOPLE.

WE ALREADY TAKE FUNERALS HARD AS IT IS.

YOU'D BEEN DONE KILLED YOUR DAMN SELF.

DRIVIN' UP SEEIN' YOURLOVED ONE IN THE WINDOW.

[Sobbing]

"OH, GOOOODDDDD!"

[CRASHING SOUND]

[LAUGHTER]

NOW BOTH OF YOUR ASS IN THE WINDOW.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WHAT IF YOU GO TO THEDRIVE-THRU FUNERAL HOME,YOU AND YOUR BOYS,

Y'ALL OUT SMOKIN' AND GETTIN' HIGH ALL NIGHT.

YOU GO THROUGH THE DRIVE-THRUFUNERAL HOME AT 3 A.M.

YOU SO HIGH YOU DRIVING UP...

[Exhaling] YEAH.

[Humming and Rapping]

LET ME GET A BIG SANDWICH, A LARGE ORDER OR FRIES,

AN ORANGE DRINK. WHAT YOU WANT, DAWG?

THAT'LL BE ALL.APPRECIATE IT.

[Humming Continues]

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

BITCH, I KNOW YOUHEAR ME TALKIN' TO YOU.

THANK Y'ALL. GOD BLESS Y'ALL.

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