Mike Britt, Ian Edwards & Leslie Jones

  • 02/17/2012

Mike Britt wants to bring realism to period commercials, Ian Edwards is the five-time not-the-father champion, and young women are messing up Leslie Jones' game.

- NEW YORK CITY, BABY.

OH-- LET'S BEHONEST, GIRLS.

YOU ARE THE ONLYTWO WOMEN ON THE SHOW.

AS THE HOST,IT'S MY RESPONSIBILITY

TO TELL YOU GIRLSYOU GOTTA TOUGHEN UP.

THIS IS NEW YORK CITY--YOU GOTTA KEEP IT REAL, RIGHT?

GIVE ME THEM DAMN BRAS.

- WHOA-WHOA-- STOP, STOP,STOP-- ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YOU WANT US TOGIVE YOU OUR BRAS?

IS YOU CRAZY?

- DON'T GET ALL UPTIGHT--SEE THAT-- SEE THAT RIGHT THERE.

NEW YORK HATES THAT.

- SO, ARE YOU KEEPINGIT REAL, RIGHT NOW?

IS YOU LETTIN' ITHANG LOOSE RIGHT NOW?

- LOOK IT--I'M FROM NEW YORK CITY.

RIGHT NOW,I'M SLINGIN', RIGHT NOW.

SEE THAT-- I'MFREE-BALLIN', RIGHT NOW.

SEE THAT--I'M PLAYIN' GOLF, RIGHT NOW.

SEE THAT-- HUH--SEE THAT?

WATCH THIS, WATCH THIS,WATCH THIS, WATCH THIS.

HUH-- SEE THE BALLS?

- SO, YOU HAVE NO SUPPORT,RIGHT NOW-- NO SUPPORT?

- NOTHING.

OH-HO-HO-HO!

- IS THAT TOUGH ENOUGH?

- YEAH, MAYBE YOUSHOULD TRY ONE OF THESE.

- CHAUVINISTIC BASTARD.

- BITCH!

- THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN'ABOUT-- NEW YORK CITY, BABY!

OW!

GROWN PEOPLE, PLEASE,PAY ATTENTION

TO YOURSURROUNDINGS, RIGHT?

PEOPLE ARE GETTIN'TAKEN EVERY DAY, MAN.

KIDNAPPINGS IS UP...KIDNAPPINGS ARE UP, OKAY?

IT'S ONE THING WHENA KID GETS KIDNAPPED.

WHEN YO ASS IS 35 YEARSOLD, AND YOU GET KIDNAPPED,

THAT'S NOT EVENTHE KIDNAPPER FAULT.

THAT'S YOURGODDAMN FAULT!

CAN'T BLAME THATON THE KIDNAPPER.

PAY ATTENTION TO YOURSURROUNDINGS, PEOPLE.

LOOK WHAT THE [bleep]IS GOING ON AROUND YOU.

YOU WALKIN' ON THE DAMN STREET,COMIN' FROM THE DAMN STORE.

THERE'S A DUDE RIDIN' NEXT TOYOU WITH TWO WHEELS ON THE CURB,

RIDING THE SAME SPEED YOASS IS WALKIN', LIKE THIS:

[audience laughter]

YOU DON'T SEEA DAMN THING WRONG?

HE ABOUT TO TAKE YO ASS!

[audience laughter]

YOU SEE A LATE-MODEL,BLACK-ASS VAN...

RUN-- [bleep] RUN.

LATE MODEL, BLACK-ASS VANAIN'T NOTHIN' GOOD FOR SHIT.

AIN'T NO CHURCHREVIVAL IN THERE,

AIN'T NO DAMN COTTON CANDY,AIN'T NO GODDAMN ICE CREAM,

NOTHIN' BUT BAD NEWS IN ALATE-MODEL, BLACK-ASS VAN.

A BLACK ASS VAN ROLL UPWITH THAT BIG ASS DOOR.

"GET YO ASS IN HERE!

"GET YO ASS IN HERE."

WHEN YOU SEE THATBIG-ASS DOOR,

YOU JUST GET THE [bleep]OUTTA THERE!

[audience laughter]

BE TAKIN' PEOPLE.

YOU CANNOT TAKE NOBODYIN NO DAMN NEW VANS.

FOR THE GODDAMN DOOR,

YOU GOTTA PUSH THE DAMNBUTTON, TOO GODDAMN SLOW.

THAT BUTTON...

[audience laughter]

"AH, A KIDNAPPER!"

"CLOSE THE DOOR--CLOSE THAT GODDAMN DOOR!

"OH, SHIT--THE BITCH SAW MY FACE."

"YO, GO-- AHHH!"

I TOLD YO ASS--LATE-MODEL, BLACK-ASS VANS!

YOU COME BACK WITHA 2011 MINI VAN?

THE BITCH SAW MY FACE!

SHE HAD TIME TO GETINTO THE GODDAMN VAN,

LOOK AT ME AGAIN AND HAD TIMETO GET THE [bleep] BACK OUT

BEFORE THE DOOR CLOSED.

THE BITCH SAW MY FACE!

TIRED OF THE NONSENSE, MAN.

TIRED OF THE SHOOT'EM UP SONGS.

I HATE WHENMOTHERFUCKERS BE LIKE,

"COME TO THE HOOD ANDSHOOT UP YOUR BLOCK ."

OTHER PEOPLE LIVE HERE.

WHY YOU SHOOTIN'UP THE WHOLE BLOCK?

KEVIN IS THE ONE YOUGOT A PROBLEM WITH.

SHOOT KEVIN, IF YOUGOTTA SHOOT ANYBODY.

TIRED OF THESE INNOCENTKIDS GETTIN' SHOT

OVER YOURBULLSHIT-ASS BEATING.

COMIN' TO THE HOOD ANDSHOOT UP YOUR BLOCK.

AND PEOPLE GETTING UPSET.

WHY WE GETTIN' UPSET-- WHY--I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WE DON'T EVENRESPECT MARRIAGE,

WHY YOU WORRIEDABOUT THEM DOING IT?

[audience laughter]

COME ON, MAN-- THE DIVORCERATE IS LIKE 70%.

RIGHT-- AND THE CATHOLICCHURCH LIKE, "THIS IS GONNA--"

HEY, Y'ALL NEEDTO SIT DOWN.

Y'ALL GOT SOME OTHERSHIT TO DEAL WITH.

DEAL WITH YOURPEDI-PRIESTS

BEFORE YOU OVER HERE WORRYIN'ABOUT THEM, RIGHT?

PENIS AND VAGINA AIN'TDOING TOO GOOD TOGETHER.

MAYBE TWO PEE-PEESCOULD WORK.

MAYBE TWO PEE-PEES WORK.

LADIES, I'M TIRED OFYOUR PERIOD COMMERCIALS.

WHY IS THERE SOMANY OF THEM,

AND WHAT PERIOD IS THISY'ALL BE EXPERIENCING

IN THESE COMMERCIALS?

THESE CHICKS BE RUNNING THROUGHA FIELD WITH DAFFODILS,

RIGHT-- CARTOON BUNNIES BEHOPPIN' BEHIND THEM, LIKE--

WHAT PERIOD IS THIS?

RIGHT-- AND A LOT OFTIMES, I DON'T KNOW WHY,

BUT THEY BE SPINNIN'.

[audience laughter]

ON A PERIOD-- I THINKTHE PERIOD SHOULD REFLECT

WHAT IT'S REALLY LIKE,THE COMMERCIALS.

RIGHT-- SOON AS IT COME ON,THERE SHOULD BE A PTERODACTYL

WITH TWO MEN INTHE CLAWS LIKE...

"AH!"

SNAPPIN' TURTLES,SEALS GETTIN' CLUBBED,

LAVA SHOOTIN' OUT OFVOLCANOS, BUILDINGS CRASHING,

SLAVERY'S BACK.

[audience laughter]

TWO SLAVES HOLDINGA TAMPON BOX.

WHAT THE [bleep] YOU DOIN'SPINNIN' DURING YOUR PERIOD?

YOU BLEEDIN'!

THE LAST THING YOUNEED IS CENTRIFUGE.

[audience laughter]

IN FACT, THE COMMERCIALSSHOULD BE LIKE THIS.

TELL YOU A FEW THINGSABOUT MYSELF.

I'M SINGLE,DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS,

OR THE BLOOD-TESTCAME BACK INCONCLUSIVE.

[audience laughing]

I AM THE FIVE-TIME"NOT THE FATHER" CHAMPION...

...IN THREE RACE DIVISIONS,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU BRING ANY CHICK WITHA BABY, AND I WILL DEFEAT THEM.

[audience laughing]

"WHAT-- YOU SAYIN'I'M THE FATHER?

"I GOT A HAIR-FOLLICLERIGHT HERE, BITCH"

"LET'S DO THIS-- BAM--"I AM THE SIX-TIME CHAMP.

[audience laughing]

I GOT JEWISH FRIENDS.

UH, JEWISH PEOPLE ALWAYS TRYTO OUT SLAVERY BLACK PEOPLE.

[audience laughing]

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

YEAH, JEWISH PEOPLEALWAYS TRYIN'

TO OUT SLAVERYBLACK PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, THEY ALWAYS LIKE:"YOU KNOW, WE WAS SLAVES FIRST."

I'M LIKE, "THAT AIN'TNO CONTEST I'D LIKE TO WIN."

[audience laughing]

I'M LIKE, "WHO'S RACIN'--?

"WHO CALLEDSHOT-GUN ON SLAVERY?"

[audience laughing]

THEIR AIN'T NO AWARD SHOWFOR WHO SUFFERS THE MOST.

"AND THE AWARD FOR WHOSUFFERS THE MOST GOES TO JEWS."

"YES, I WON-- UH, I'DLIKE TO THANK THE EGYPTIANS.

[audience laughing]

"AND ALL THE ROSHASHANNAS.

[audience laughing]

LIKE I SAID BEFORE,I'M FROM JAMAICA.

[indistinct]

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'--NO DOUBT.

THAT'S HOW WE SAY "HI."

THREE PEOPLE GET KILLEDWHEN WE SAY "HI."

THOSE ARE THE RULES--I AIN'T MAKING THIS SHIT UP.

I LEARNED A LOT ABOUTMY FAMILY HISTORY

WHEN I WAS GROWIN'UP IN JAMAICA.

I FOUND OUT THAT MY GREAT-GREATGRANDFATHER WAS A SLAVE

WHO WORKED SO HARD THAT HEBOUGHT HIS FREEDOM FROM SLAVERY.

YEAH, MAN.

[applause]

AND THEN, UH, SOLD HIMSELFBACK INTO SLAVERY FOR A PROFIT.

[audience laughing]

HE WAS THE FIRST [bleep]TO REFINANCE HIMSELF.

[audience laughingand applauding

HE WAS A BUSINESS MAN--YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

HE DID THE SHITNINE TIMES

TILL HE OWNED THEPLANTATION AND HIMSELF.

LITTLE YOUNG GIRLS JUSTMESSIN' UP THE GAME.

JUST MESSIN' UP THE GAME!

JUST LITTLE YOUNG GIRLSJUST MESSIN' UP THE GAME.

JUST TIRED OF THIS YOUNG--LOOK AT THIS ONE RIGHT HERE,

JUST YOUNG,YOUNG AND FRESH.

YOUR COOTCHIESTILL FRESH

AS THE SNOW ON AMOUNTAIN PEAK, AIN'T IT?

JUST A DUTCH MAN UP THEREWITH A HORN, TALKIN' ABOUT--

[tooting]

FRESH SNOW-- PULL YOUR PANTSDOWN AND AN ANGEL FLY OUT.

DON'T NOTHIN' BUT AFIRE BREATHIN' DRAGON

COME OUT OFMY SHIT-- AHHHHH!

[audience laughingand applauding]

I DON'T KNOW, MAN, YOUNG GIRLS,PRETTY GIRLS, PRETTY BITCHES

LOOK AT THESE BITCHES.

YEAH, I SEEN YOUPRETTY BITCHES.

TWO PRETTY BITCHESIN A ROW.

JUST LIKE A NICE, LITTLE,PRETTY BITCH GARDEN, HUH, JUST--

Y'ALL GONNA COME IN THE CLUBAND [bleep] MY WHOLE NIGHT UP.

COME MERE,COME HERE-- STAND UP.

LOOK AT HER-- TURN AROUND--LOOK AT HER-- AIN'T SHE PRETTY?

SHE'S A PRETTY GIRL.

[audience applauding]

WHATEVER, UM...

SO, UH, ALL RIGHT,WE AT A CLUB,

AND UH, WE, YOU KNOW, WESTANDIN' AT THE BAR, ME AND HER,

WE STANDIN' AT THE BARTOGETHER AND, UH,

MEN, Y'ALL WALK IN,AND, UH, Y'ALL SEE US.

[audience laughing]

WHO YOU GONNA PICK?

[audience laughing]

OKAY, BUT YOU IN THE-INTHE PARKING LOT, RIGHT?

AND THERE'S TWO CRIPSABOUT TO WHUP YO' ASS,

WHO YOU GONNA PICK THEN?

[audience laughingand applauding]

SIT YOUR PRETTY ASS DOWN!

WELL, IT WASN'TREALLY A BREAK-UP.

IT WAS A-A BOOTY CALLI MIGHT HAVE TOOK TOO SERIOUS.

[audience laughing]

THAT SHIT HAPPENSSOMETIMES, YOU KNOW.

YOU CAN'T FUCK ME MORE THANONE TIME AND NOT BE MY MAN.

WE ON A SCHEDULE!

I DON'T CARE IFYOU DON'T LOVE ME.

I LOVE YOU!

[audience laughing]

IT'S GONNA WORK OUT!

SO NOW THE BOOTY CALLTHEN TURN INTO A POLICE CALL...

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