Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 10/16/2010

Bo Burnham asks what's funny, admires life's silent poetry, performs a Shakespearian porn scene and shares some of his haikus.

I BELIEVE FIRMLY THATWOMEN ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.

(cheers and applause)I DO. I DO.

OH,I SHOULD REPHRASE THAT.

I, UH...

DON'T.

♪ MEN AND WOMEN

THIS SONG IS CALLED"MEN AND WOMEN"!

♪ MEN ARE LIKE VOWS

♪ 'CAUSE THEY'REEASILY BROKEN ♪

♪ OH, YEAH

♪ WOMEN ARE LIKE COWS

♪ 'CAUSE THEY BOTH HAVEVAGINAS ♪

♪ MEN ARE LIKE MUZZLES

♪ BECAUSE THEY'LLTRY TO SHUT YOU UP ♪

♪ OH, YEAH

♪ WOMEN ARE LIKE PUZZLES

♪ 'CAUSE PRIOR TO 1920,NEITHER HAD THE RIGHT TO VOTE ♪

♪ PUZZLES STILL DON'T

♪ OH,A MAN IS AN EAGLE ♪

♪ YEAH,A WOMAN IS A DOVE ♪

♪ WOMEN CAN FAKE ORGASMS

♪ BUT MEN CAN FAKE LOVE

(cheers and applause)

♪ WOMEN ARE LIKE FINGERSAND TOES ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THEY'RE EASYTO COUNT ON ♪

(audience aws)IT'S CUTE.

(laughter)

♪ MEN ARE LIKE RAVENSAND CROWS ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THEY HATEUSING CONDOMS ♪

(laughter and applause)

WHAT?

♪ WOMEN ARE LIKE YAHTZEES,OH, YEAH ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I RARELY GET THEM

I DON'T.

♪ MEN ARE LIKE NAZIS

♪ 'CAUSE THEY BOTH CAUSEDTHE HOLOCAUST ♪

IT'S TRUE.

♪ OH, YEAH

♪ FOR EVERY DOLLARTHAT A MAN MAKES ♪

♪ A WOMAN MAKES 70 CENTS

♪ THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE,THAT'S NOT FAIR ♪

♪ THE MAN'S ONLY LEFTWITH 30 ♪

♪ MEN AND WOMEN

♪ OH, MEN AND WOMEN,IT'S BLACK AND WHITE ♪

(tempo increases)♪ I'M A FEMININE EMINEM

♪ A SLIM SHADY LADY BUT NICE'CAUSE I TEXTED HAITI ♪

♪ 90 LADY COPS IN THE ROAD

♪ AND I'M ARRESTEDFOR DOIN' 80 ♪

♪ LIKE HAMLET, I'M ABOUT WORDS,WORDS, WORDS ♪

♪ DIVIDE A WHOLE INTO THIRDS,THIRDS, THIRDS ♪

♪ I'M A GAY SEA OTTER

♪ I BLOW OTHER DUDESOUT OF THE WATER ♪

♪ I'M THE MAN-MUFFINDIVIN' MUFFIN, ♪

♪ COLD AND FLYLIKE AN ARCTIC PUFFIN' ♪

♪ PUFFIN' WACKY-TOBACCY

♪ HATIN' OTHER RAPPERSLIKE I'M HUGGIN' PATAKI ♪

♪ AND I'VE BEEN ROCKIN' THIS MICBEFORE ELECTRICITY ♪

♪ WAY BACK IN 1000 B.C.E.

♪ THAT'S BEFORETHE COMIN' ERA-- ♪

(imitates record scratching)

♪ OH, GOD, CAN'T BE STOPPED

♪ FLOW SO SICKTHAT IT SHOULD BE MOPPED UP ♪

♪ CHICK'S GOT A DIXIE CUP

♪ I GOT A (bleep) FULL OFHELIUM, I'LL (bleep) YOU UP ♪

♪ A BOY, A GIRL,A MIDDLE-AGED BITCH ♪

♪ BOTOX IN THE THIRD PERSON

♪ I GAVE THE PERSPECTIVEA SWITCH AND ♪

♪ BOTOX IN THE THIRD PERSON

♪ OH, JUST RELAX

♪ IF YOU WANT TO KNOW MEHERE'S TWO FACTS ♪

♪ I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES

♪ AND I'M A HYPOCRITE

(laughter)

♪ SAID I HATECATCHY CHORUSES ♪

♪ AND I'M A HYPOCRITE

YEAH!

♪ MET A GIRL NAMED MACY

♪ I HAD SEX WITH HERALL DAY ♪

♪ BUT SHE WAS DYSLEXIC

♪ SO I ENDED UPDOING THE YMCA ♪

♪ WE BALL IN ASIAN

♪ WE BOWL IN PROSTATE CANCERSEMICOLON ♪

♪ FIND THAT HOLELIKE I'M STEPHEN HAWKING ♪

♪ ATTICUS FINCH,KILLING, MOCKING ♪

♪ CRY LIKE A CHILD WOULD

♪ YOU RAPED MY CHILDHOOD

♪ JUST STROLLIN',ROLLIN' YOUR POLE IN ♪

♪ TO ROLY-POLLYOLLY'S COLON ♪

♪ TO RELAX THE MIND

♪ I TAKE A WALK BY THE CLOCK,AND I PASS THE TIME ♪

♪ AND RHYMIN'MATHEMATICAL TIMING ♪

♪ SYNTAX IMPACTSTHE INTACT TIMIN' ♪

♪ I'M AN INTERNET PROVIDER

♪ CAME FROM THE WEBLIKE A HORNY SPIDER ♪

♪ KISSED A GIRLIN AN APPLE ORCHARD ♪

♪ THEN SLIPPED IN CIDER ("inside her")

♪ I THOUGHT AIDSWAS A BUTT VIRUS ♪

♪ LIKE CONJUNCTION JUNCTIONCONJUNCTIVITIS ♪

♪ I SPIT GOLD BARS 'CAUSE I WASMOLESTED BY MY UNCLE MIDAS ♪

♪ GAY DADS BLOW POPS,ANOTHER SUCKER ♪

♪ OEDIPUSWAS THE FIRST MOTHER (bleep) ♪

♪ I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES

♪ AND I'M A HYPOCRITE

♪ HUNGRY,HUNGRY HYPOCRITE ♪

♪ I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES

♪ AND I'M A HYPOCRITE

♪ WE THE PEOPLE OF USA

♪ JOSE, WE'RE NOT TALKINGTO YOU, ESSE ♪

♪ WE GOT A BORDER IN ORDERTO KEEP YOU OUT ♪

♪ IT'S WHAT MY NYU ESSAYIS ABOUT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE'RE SOUTH OF HEAVEN,NORTH OF HELL ♪

♪ BUY, BUY, BUY, BUY,BUY, BUY, SELL ♪

♪ WE GUARD THE BORDERAND WE GUARD IT WELL ♪

♪ BUT SOME SLIP THROUGH THECRACKS OF THE LIBERTY BELL ♪

♪ DID I SAY LIBERTY?I MEANT TACO, PACO ♪

♪ HEY, YOU BETTERLET THAT ROCK GO ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IN REAL LIFE,GOLIATH WINS ♪

♪ SELLS ALL THE SILKTHAT THE WIDOW SPINS ♪

♪ YEAH, ONE MORE TIME

♪ I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES

♪ AND I'M A HYPOCRITE

♪ SAID A HUNGRY,HUNGRY HYPOCRITE ♪

♪ I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES

♪ AND I'M A HY-Y-POCRITE

YEAH.

♪ BITCHES AND HOES,BO'S HOES ♪

♪ YEAH,BITCHES AND HOES ♪

♪ YEAH, I SAID BITCHES,HOES ♪

♪ BITCHES AND HOESDON'T EXIST ♪

♪ BECAUSE THE HOES KNOWBO'S A FEMINIST ♪

♪ BITCHES AND HOESDON'T EXIST ♪

♪ BECAUSE THE HOES KNOWBO'S A FEMINIST ♪

♪ SO TAKE YOUR BRASAND BURN 'EM ♪

♪ YOU CAN LET ME BURN 'EM

♪ TAKE OFF YOUR BRASAND BURN 'EM ♪

♪ OH, YOU CAN LETBO BURNHAM BURN 'EM ♪

♪ TAKE YOUR BRASAND BURN 'EM ♪(cheers and applause)

♪ YOU CAN LET ME BURN 'EM

♪ TAKE OFF YOUR BRASAND BURN 'EM ♪

♪ BURN 'EM, YOU CAN LETBO BURNHAM BURN 'EM ♪

THANK YOU. MY... MY EX-GIRFRIENDHAD A REALLY WEIRD FETISH.

SHE USED TO LIKE TO DRESS UPAS HERSELF

AND THEN ACT LIKEA (bleep) BITCH ALL THE TIME.

(laughter)

BUT YOU KNOW,THEY SAY IF YOU WANNA KNOW

WHAT A GIRL'S GONNA LOOK LIKE,LOOK AT HER MOTHER,

YOU KNOW, SO I'M SO GLADI BROKE UP WITH HER,

'CAUSE SHE WOULD'VE BEEN,YOU KNOW...

DEAD.

(laughter and groaning)

GUYS, I'M A REALIST!I'M A REALIST.

I TRY NOT TO ROMANTICIZEREALITY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN LIFEGIVES YOU LEMONS,

YOU PROBABLYJUST FOUND LEMONS.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME,

I DON'T DENY THE BEAUTYIN THE WORLD

'CAUSE THERE IS SO MUCH BEAUTY,BECAUSE LIFE

CAN BE SO SYMMETRICAL,

IT GIVES BIRTH TO THISALMOST SILENT POETRY,

YOU KNOW, LIKE A HERMAPHRODITEPLAYING THE KEYTAR,

OR A YOUNG AMISH BOY TRYING TOBLOW OUT THE LIGHT BULBS

ON HIS BIRTHDAY CAKE,

OR A GIRL--A GIRLWHO'S TERRIBLE AT GRAMMAR

SAYING, "MAMA,YOU RAISED ME GOOD."

AND THEN BEING PUSHEDDOWN A WELL.

SYMMETRY.

HERE'S SOME RACIAL HUMORFOR YOU.

WHITE PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS--"EH."

BLACK PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS--"WHA."

WE'RE DESTINED TO FIGHT FOREVER.BLOOD IN THE STREETS.

(laughter)

IF I HAD A DIME--HA!

IF I HAD A DIME FOR EVERY TIMEA HOMELESS GUY

ASKED ME FOR CHANGE,I'D STILL SAY, "NO."

(laughter)

NO. NOPE.

YO' MAMA SO FAT!YO' MAMA SO UGLY!

YO' MAMA SO STUPID!

YOUR MOTHER'S BREASTS SAGWITH SUCH SEVERITY

THAT THE LATE GREATSURREALIST ARTIST SALVADOR DALI

MISTOOK THEM FOR CLOCKS.

(laughter and applause)

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