Bobcat Goldthwait & Mark Roberts

  • Season 1, Ep 0158
  • 02/24/1992

Bobcat Goldthwait talks about the thrill of being on Channel 98, reflects on the L.A. riots and wonders what to do if he's ever seen at a boat show.

IT'S LIKE A FREAK SHOW TONIGHT.

DATELINE IS FOLLOWING ME TO DO A BIG 13-MINUTE SEGMENT

DOWN TO THE ABSOLUTE SECOND.

LOOK AT THIS GUY, HE'S...

STONE PHILLIPS IS HEREAND WE DROVE OVER FROM MY HOUSE.

HAD A LONG CHAT-- A REAL INTIME,INTIMATE MOMENT.

ME AND STONEGOT VERY FUNKY AND REAL

AND REVEALED OUR CHILDHOODSTO EACH OTHER.

SOME INFORMATIONWAS UNWARRANTED.

( laughter )

STONE WAS RIVETED TO ME.

HE SMASHEDINTO A COUPLE OF SEMIS.

I COULDN'T...

( laughter )

THEY ALWAYS SENDTHE MEN TO DO THE WOMEN.

THEY DON'T WANT A WOMANTO INTERVIEW A WOMAN.

THERE COULD BE IMPLICATIONS.

( laughter )

THEY'RE AFRAIDTHERE MIGHT BE A BIZARRE ENERGY

THAT GETS STRUCK UPBETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM

AND CAN TURNINTO AN ON-CAMERA TENSION.

HIS FIRST INTERVIEWWAS WITH CARLY SIMON.

SHE STARTED OFF BITCHYBUT THEN GOT VERY NICE.

I HOPE I'M NOT GIVING AWAYANY SECRETS.

HE'S PROBABLY GOING TO SUE ME,OR I'LL GET A CALL FROM CARLY--

WHO'S VERY COMPETITIVEWITH WOMEN, BY THE WAY--

MISS CARLY "I CAN'T GIVEA MINUTE TO YOU" SIMON.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BRILLIANTABOUT CARLY?

SHE GOES AROUND TO ALLTHE BOUTIQUES IN NEW YORK

AND PASSES OUT HER TAPES.

I SAW HERUP AND DOWN COLUMBUS AVENUE.

"WHAT IN THE HELLIS CARLY SIMON DOING?"

( laughter )

AND SHE WAS CARRYING A BASKETOF SANDWICHES WITH HER...

GOING IN AND OUTOF BEAUTY SALONS.

YOU KNOW HOW IN BEVERLY HILLSAT ALL THE BEAUTY SALONS

THEY SELL SANDWICHESAND FRUIT BASKETS?

YOU THINK,"THIS IS GOING TO BE DELISH."

YOU OPEN ITAND THINGS HAVE SOAKED INTO IT.

THE SANDWICHES ARE KINDOF LIKE SPONGES

AND THEY TASTE KIND OF LIKESTRAWBERRIES AND PAPAYAS

AND A NICE HAM ON RYE, MMM.

( laughter )

ARE YOU REALLY FROM MY KIBBUTZ?

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN VERY YOUNGWHEN I WAS THERE.

( speaking Hebrew )

I, WELL, I, UH,...

LIKE I TOLD HER, MY HEBREWHAS GONE, SHOT TO HELL.

YOU WERE A CHILD.

I WAS ON A KIBBUTZ IN ISRAEL

AND SOMEBODYFROM THE KIBBUTZ IS HERE!

I'M GOING TO CRY!

♪ AVENU SHALOM ALEICHEM... ♪

( applause )

DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOWYOU'RE OVER HERE?

RABBLE ROUSING WITH SOMETOUGH-LOOKING CHICKS.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST GOT OFFTHE BACK OF A MOTORCYCLE.

A NICE JEWISH GIRLFROM A KIBBUTZ

NEXT THING I KNOWSHE'S IN SANTA MONICA

WITH A MOTORCYCLE GANG!

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,YOU EXPLAIN.

WOW!

HI, THANK YOU, UM...

( laughter )

BEFORE I GET STARTED,YOU KNOW, UM...

IF YOU EVER SEE ME GETTINGBEATEN UP BY THE POLICE

PUT THE VIDEO CAMERA DOWNAND HELP ME.

( laughter )

Audience:WOO!

YEAH, OH, UM, AH!

( bellows )

HI, UM...

( bellows )

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY,I, UM...

MY FAVORITE LOOTERDURING THE RIOTS WAS, UM...

THIS GUY I SAW LOOTING

AND HE RAN OUT OF A STOREWITH A BOX OF POP-TARTS.

( laughter )

HE'S, LIKE, RUNNING, HE'S ONCAMERA WITH A BOX OF POP-TARTS.

HIS DAD IS AT HOME GOING--

"OH, BOY, I'M MIGHTY PROUDTHAT YOU'RE MY SON.

"HONEY, COME IN HERE,LOOK AT JUNIOR.

"NO, NO, NO,NOT THE GUY WITH THE STEREO.

"HERE COMES GENIUS.

HE'S GOT THE BOX OF POP-TARTS."

HE'S, LIKE, GOING, "YOU KNOW

"I WOULD HAVE HADTHE FROOT LOOPS

IF THE MAN WASN'T BREATHINGDOWN MY NECK SO HARD."

I'M SORRY, YOU KNOW

I'VE BEEN IN MOVIESAND I'VE BEEN ON TELEVISION

BUT YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT A THRILL IT IS

FOR ME TO BE ON CHANNEL 98.

( laughter )

( applause )

NOW...

OH, MAN, MY CAREERIS TAKING OFF.

I'M NOT EVEN THE HOST.

I'M ABOUT EIGHT MONTHS AWAY

FROM DOING BOAT SHOWSWITH DAVID HASSELHOFF.

( laughter )

EITHER THIS OR HELSINKIOR THIGH MASTER COMMERCIALS.

IF YOU EVER SEE MEAT A BOAT SHOW OR AT A CAR SHOW

UM, BLOW MY HEAD OFF!

KILL ME!

IN COMEDY AND IN ROCK AND ROLL.

GAY BASHING IS GUYS GOING,"I HATE YOU

"BECAUSE, UM... BECAUSE, UH...BECAUSE YOU'RE QUEER.

"I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE QUEERAND, UM... YOU'RE GAY

"AND YOU'RE A FAGAND YOU'RE QUEER

AND YOU'RE KIND OF ATTRACTIVEAND, UM..."

( laughter )

"SEE, I WANT TO HAVE SEXWITH YOU BUT I'M IN THE CLOSET

SO I'LL JUST BEAT YOU UPAND JERK OFF LATER ON IN MY..."

( cheering )

"MY TRANS AM."

( laughter )

OH, WHEN I SEE A TRANS AM,I DON'T GO, "HEY, COOL CAR."

I GO, "THERE'S SOMEONEREALLY INSECURE ABOUT HIS PENIS

MAKING A LOT OF PAYMENTS."

OH, MAN.

WHOEVER THOUGHT ROCK AND ROLLWOULD BECOME SO HOMOPHOBIC?

AND AXL ROSE ACTUALLYWAS MAD AT ME

BECAUSE HE HAD A LYRICON AN ALBUM AND IT SAID

"NIGGERS AND POLICE,GET OUT OF MY WAY

"IMMIGRANTS AND FAGGOTS,YOU COME TO THIS COUNTRY

"AND YOU THINK YOU CAN DOAS YOU PLEASE

AND THEN SPREAD DISEASE"

AND WHATEVER ELSE RHYMESTO AXL AND SLASH.

THERE'S A THINK TANKI WANT TO DIVE INTO!

( imitating Axl Rose singing )

AND THE MOST OFFENSIVE THINGI FOUND ON THE ALBUM

WAS THAT THEY HADA WARNING LABEL SAYING

"I HOPE WEDON'T OFFEND ANYBODY."

I WILL DEFENDANYONE'S FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

WHAT I FIND MOST OFFENSIVEWAS THE WARNING LABEL.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO BEA REDNECK, THAT'S FINE WITH ME

JUST DON'T BE SUCHA PUSSY ABOUT IT.

( cheering )

I GUESS... I GUESS IF MEIN KAMPFHAD A WARNING LABEL

HITLER WOULD HAVE BEENAN OKAY GUY ON A KOOKY DAY.

( laughter )

SO IN ROLLING STONE, AXL ROSESAID, "'F' BOB GOLDTHWAIT."

HE ACTUALLY SAID THE WHOLE WORD,HE DIDN'T SAY "F."

I'M JUST TRYINGTO GET THIS ON TV.

AXL SAID, "'F' BOB GOLDTHWAIT."

AND, UM... ALTHOUGH I DO FINDHIM QUITE ATTRACTIVE, UM...

( laughter )

SEEING THAT I.V. DRUG USERSARE IN A HIGH-RISK GROUP

I THINK I'LL PASS ONTHAT PARTICULAR OFFER FOR NOW.

( applause )

YEAH.

SILLY ME, YOU KNOW

I THOUGHT GAYSWERE BORN AND RAISED HERE

BUT APPARENTLY, NO.

APPARENTLY THEY COMEFROM SOME EUROPEAN COUNTRY

THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT.

LIKE HOMOSLAVIA IS OUT THERE.

SUCH A PRETTY PLACE.

THERE'S A PROP GUY GOING,"IT'S A RENTAL!

GET HIM AWAY FROM THAT!"

( laughter )

Woman:YEAH!

VERY SEXY!

( laughter )

I FEEL LIKE I'M IN,LIKE, SHAFT'S HOUSE.

( laughter )

OH, LET'S SEE,WHAT ELSE CAN I BABBLE ABOUT?

DURING THE RIOTS,THE NATIONAL GUARD CAME

AND THEY DIDN'T GO TO WORK.

REMEMBER THAT?

FOR A DAY AND A HALFTHE NATIONAL GUARD WAS HERE

AND THEY DIDN'T GO TO WORK.

DO YOU REMEMBER WHY?

Man:NO BULLETS.

YEAH, NO BULLETS, THEY FORGOTTHEIR BULLETS, YOU KNOW.

I FOUND IT HARD TO BELIEVE

THAT WASTHE SAME CRACKERJACK UNIT

THAT DAN QUAYLEONCE BELONGED TO.

( laughter and applause )

YEAH.

( applause )

UM, AH...

SO WE GOT OUR PENIS BACK,WE WON A WAR, RIGHT?

WE DROPPED A TRILLION DOLLARSWORTH OF BOMBS

ON A COUNTRYABOUT THE SIZE OF RHODE ISLAND

AND WE WON!

I DON'T WANTTO TAKE ANYTHING AWAY

FROM ANYONEWHO SERVED OVER THERE

BUT YOU PROBABLYCOULD HAVE SENT ME OVER

IN A VOLKSWAGENWITH SOME CRACK...

( laughter )

AND DONE ABOUTTHE SAME AMOUNT OF DAMAGE.

WE SOLD THEM WEAPONS AND THENWE WENT TO WAR WITH THEM.

I'M GLAD WE DIDN'THAVE A GROUND WAR

BECAUSE OUR SOLDIERSWOULD HAVE BEEN RUNNING AROUND

IN THE DESERT GOING

"WHICH TANK DID IJUST GET OUT OF?"

( laughter )

APPARENTLY

THERE'S SOME KINDOF UNWRITTEN LAW--

IF YOUR HOMETOWN TEAM WINS

YOU CAN COMMITANY KIND OF CRIME YOU WANT.

I WAS IN SAN FRANCISCO

AFTER THE 49ers HAD WONSOME KIND OF SPORTING THING

AND I'M IN MY HONDA CIVIC--

NO WAY, EXCELLENT CAR, THAT'SNOT A COMMERCIAL ENDORSEMENT--

AND THIS NEANDERTHAL JUMPS OUTFROM BEHIND A TREE

WITH A LIT FLARE, AND HETHROWS IT AND HE HITS MY CAR

AND I GO, "WHAT THE HELLIS YOUR PROBLEM?"

AND HE GOES, "NINERS, WHOO!"

( laughter )

I GO, "I'M SORRY,HERE'S YOUR FLARE BACK.

SEE IF YOU CAN'T HIT THATOLD WOMAN DRIVING THE PINTO."