Bobcat Goldthwait & Mark Roberts

  • 02/24/1992

IT'S LIKE A FREAK SHOW TONIGHT.

DATELINE IS FOLLOWING ME TO DO A BIG 13-MINUTE SEGMENT

DOWN TO THE ABSOLUTE SECOND.

LOOK AT THIS GUY, HE'S...

STONE PHILLIPS IS HEREAND WE DROVE OVER FROM MY HOUSE.

HAD A LONG CHAT-- A REAL INTIME,INTIMATE MOMENT.

ME AND STONEGOT VERY FUNKY AND REAL

AND REVEALED OUR CHILDHOODSTO EACH OTHER.

SOME INFORMATIONWAS UNWARRANTED.

( laughter )

STONE WAS RIVETED TO ME.

HE SMASHEDINTO A COUPLE OF SEMIS.

I COULDN'T...

( laughter )

THEY ALWAYS SENDTHE MEN TO DO THE WOMEN.

THEY DON'T WANT A WOMANTO INTERVIEW A WOMAN.

THERE COULD BE IMPLICATIONS.

( laughter )

THEY'RE AFRAIDTHERE MIGHT BE A BIZARRE ENERGY

THAT GETS STRUCK UPBETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM

AND CAN TURNINTO AN ON-CAMERA TENSION.

HIS FIRST INTERVIEWWAS WITH CARLY SIMON.

SHE STARTED OFF BITCHYBUT THEN GOT VERY NICE.

I HOPE I'M NOT GIVING AWAYANY SECRETS.

HE'S PROBABLY GOING TO SUE ME,OR I'LL GET A CALL FROM CARLY--

WHO'S VERY COMPETITIVEWITH WOMEN, BY THE WAY--

MISS CARLY "I CAN'T GIVEA MINUTE TO YOU" SIMON.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BRILLIANTABOUT CARLY?

SHE GOES AROUND TO ALLTHE BOUTIQUES IN NEW YORK

AND PASSES OUT HER TAPES.

I SAW HERUP AND DOWN COLUMBUS AVENUE.

"WHAT IN THE HELLIS CARLY SIMON DOING?"

( laughter )

AND SHE WAS CARRYING A BASKETOF SANDWICHES WITH HER...

GOING IN AND OUTOF BEAUTY SALONS.

YOU KNOW HOW IN BEVERLY HILLSAT ALL THE BEAUTY SALONS

THEY SELL SANDWICHESAND FRUIT BASKETS?

YOU THINK,"THIS IS GOING TO BE DELISH."

YOU OPEN ITAND THINGS HAVE SOAKED INTO IT.

THE SANDWICHES ARE KINDOF LIKE SPONGES

AND THEY TASTE KIND OF LIKESTRAWBERRIES AND PAPAYAS

AND A NICE HAM ON RYE, MMM.

( laughter )

ARE YOU REALLY FROM MY KIBBUTZ?

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN VERY YOUNGWHEN I WAS THERE.

( speaking Hebrew )

I, WELL, I, UH,...

LIKE I TOLD HER, MY HEBREWHAS GONE, SHOT TO HELL.

YOU WERE A CHILD.

I WAS ON A KIBBUTZ IN ISRAEL

AND SOMEBODYFROM THE KIBBUTZ IS HERE!

I'M GOING TO CRY!

♪ AVENU SHALOM ALEICHEM... ♪

( applause )

DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOWYOU'RE OVER HERE?

RABBLE ROUSING WITH SOMETOUGH-LOOKING CHICKS.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST GOT OFFTHE BACK OF A MOTORCYCLE.

A NICE JEWISH GIRLFROM A KIBBUTZ

NEXT THING I KNOWSHE'S IN SANTA MONICA

WITH A MOTORCYCLE GANG!

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,YOU EXPLAIN.

WOW!

HI, THANK YOU, UM...

( laughter )

BEFORE I GET STARTED,YOU KNOW, UM...

IF YOU EVER SEE ME GETTINGBEATEN UP BY THE POLICE

PUT THE VIDEO CAMERA DOWNAND HELP ME.

( laughter )

Audience:WOO!

YEAH, OH, UM, AH!

( bellows )

HI, UM...

( bellows )

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY,I, UM...

MY FAVORITE LOOTERDURING THE RIOTS WAS, UM...

THIS GUY I SAW LOOTING

AND HE RAN OUT OF A STOREWITH A BOX OF POP-TARTS.

( laughter )

HE'S, LIKE, RUNNING, HE'S ONCAMERA WITH A BOX OF POP-TARTS.

HIS DAD IS AT HOME GOING--

"OH, BOY, I'M MIGHTY PROUDTHAT YOU'RE MY SON.

"HONEY, COME IN HERE,LOOK AT JUNIOR.

"NO, NO, NO,NOT THE GUY WITH THE STEREO.

"HERE COMES GENIUS.

HE'S GOT THE BOX OF POP-TARTS."

HE'S, LIKE, GOING, "YOU KNOW

"I WOULD HAVE HADTHE FROOT LOOPS

IF THE MAN WASN'T BREATHINGDOWN MY NECK SO HARD."

I'M SORRY, YOU KNOW

I'VE BEEN IN MOVIESAND I'VE BEEN ON TELEVISION

BUT YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT A THRILL IT IS

FOR ME TO BE ON CHANNEL 98.

( laughter )

( applause )

NOW...

OH, MAN, MY CAREERIS TAKING OFF.

I'M NOT EVEN THE HOST.

I'M ABOUT EIGHT MONTHS AWAY

FROM DOING BOAT SHOWSWITH DAVID HASSELHOFF.

( laughter )

EITHER THIS OR HELSINKIOR THIGH MASTER COMMERCIALS.

IF YOU EVER SEE MEAT A BOAT SHOW OR AT A CAR SHOW

UM, BLOW MY HEAD OFF!

KILL ME!

IN COMEDY AND IN ROCK AND ROLL.

GAY BASHING IS GUYS GOING,"I HATE YOU

"BECAUSE, UM... BECAUSE, UH...BECAUSE YOU'RE QUEER.

"I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE QUEERAND, UM... YOU'RE GAY

"AND YOU'RE A FAGAND YOU'RE QUEER

AND YOU'RE KIND OF ATTRACTIVEAND, UM..."

( laughter )

"SEE, I WANT TO HAVE SEXWITH YOU BUT I'M IN THE CLOSET

SO I'LL JUST BEAT YOU UPAND JERK OFF LATER ON IN MY..."

( cheering )

"MY TRANS AM."

( laughter )

OH, WHEN I SEE A TRANS AM,I DON'T GO, "HEY, COOL CAR."

I GO, "THERE'S SOMEONEREALLY INSECURE ABOUT HIS PENIS

MAKING A LOT OF PAYMENTS."

OH, MAN.

WHOEVER THOUGHT ROCK AND ROLLWOULD BECOME SO HOMOPHOBIC?

AND AXL ROSE ACTUALLYWAS MAD AT ME

BECAUSE HE HAD A LYRICON AN ALBUM AND IT SAID

"NIGGERS AND POLICE,GET OUT OF MY WAY

"IMMIGRANTS AND FAGGOTS,YOU COME TO THIS COUNTRY

"AND YOU THINK YOU CAN DOAS YOU PLEASE

AND THEN SPREAD DISEASE"

AND WHATEVER ELSE RHYMESTO AXL AND SLASH.

THERE'S A THINK TANKI WANT TO DIVE INTO!

( imitating Axl Rose singing )

AND THE MOST OFFENSIVE THINGI FOUND ON THE ALBUM

WAS THAT THEY HADA WARNING LABEL SAYING

"I HOPE WEDON'T OFFEND ANYBODY."

I WILL DEFENDANYONE'S FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

WHAT I FIND MOST OFFENSIVEWAS THE WARNING LABEL.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO BEA REDNECK, THAT'S FINE WITH ME

JUST DON'T BE SUCHA PUSSY ABOUT IT.

( cheering )

I GUESS... I GUESS IF MEIN KAMPFHAD A WARNING LABEL

HITLER WOULD HAVE BEENAN OKAY GUY ON A KOOKY DAY.

( laughter )

SO IN ROLLING STONE, AXL ROSESAID, "'F' BOB GOLDTHWAIT."

HE ACTUALLY SAID THE WHOLE WORD,HE DIDN'T SAY "F."

I'M JUST TRYINGTO GET THIS ON TV.

AXL SAID, "'F' BOB GOLDTHWAIT."

AND, UM... ALTHOUGH I DO FINDHIM QUITE ATTRACTIVE, UM...

( laughter )

SEEING THAT I.V. DRUG USERSARE IN A HIGH-RISK GROUP

I THINK I'LL PASS ONTHAT PARTICULAR OFFER FOR NOW.

( applause )

YEAH.

SILLY ME, YOU KNOW

I THOUGHT GAYSWERE BORN AND RAISED HERE

BUT APPARENTLY, NO.

APPARENTLY THEY COMEFROM SOME EUROPEAN COUNTRY

THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT.

LIKE HOMOSLAVIA IS OUT THERE.

SUCH A PRETTY PLACE.

THERE'S A PROP GUY GOING,"IT'S A RENTAL!

GET HIM AWAY FROM THAT!"

( laughter )

Woman:YEAH!

VERY SEXY!

( laughter )

I FEEL LIKE I'M IN,LIKE, SHAFT'S HOUSE.

( laughter )

OH, LET'S SEE,WHAT ELSE CAN I BABBLE ABOUT?

DURING THE RIOTS,THE NATIONAL GUARD CAME

AND THEY DIDN'T GO TO WORK.

REMEMBER THAT?

FOR A DAY AND A HALFTHE NATIONAL GUARD WAS HERE

AND THEY DIDN'T GO TO WORK.

DO YOU REMEMBER WHY?

Man:NO BULLETS.

YEAH, NO BULLETS, THEY FORGOTTHEIR BULLETS, YOU KNOW.

I FOUND IT HARD TO BELIEVE

THAT WASTHE SAME CRACKERJACK UNIT

THAT DAN QUAYLEONCE BELONGED TO.

( laughter and applause )

YEAH.

( applause )

UM, AH...

SO WE GOT OUR PENIS BACK,WE WON A WAR, RIGHT?

WE DROPPED A TRILLION DOLLARSWORTH OF BOMBS

ON A COUNTRYABOUT THE SIZE OF RHODE ISLAND

AND WE WON!

I DON'T WANTTO TAKE ANYTHING AWAY

FROM ANYONEWHO SERVED OVER THERE

BUT YOU PROBABLYCOULD HAVE SENT ME OVER

IN A VOLKSWAGENWITH SOME CRACK...

( laughter )

AND DONE ABOUTTHE SAME AMOUNT OF DAMAGE.

WE SOLD THEM WEAPONS AND THENWE WENT TO WAR WITH THEM.

I'M GLAD WE DIDN'THAVE A GROUND WAR

BECAUSE OUR SOLDIERSWOULD HAVE BEEN RUNNING AROUND

IN THE DESERT GOING

"WHICH TANK DID IJUST GET OUT OF?"

( laughter )

APPARENTLY

THERE'S SOME KINDOF UNWRITTEN LAW--

IF YOUR HOMETOWN TEAM WINS

YOU CAN COMMITANY KIND OF CRIME YOU WANT.

I WAS IN SAN FRANCISCO

AFTER THE 49ers HAD WONSOME KIND OF SPORTING THING

AND I'M IN MY HONDA CIVIC--

NO WAY, EXCELLENT CAR, THAT'SNOT A COMMERCIAL ENDORSEMENT--

AND THIS NEANDERTHAL JUMPS OUTFROM BEHIND A TREE

WITH A LIT FLARE, AND HETHROWS IT AND HE HITS MY CAR

AND I GO, "WHAT THE HELLIS YOUR PROBLEM?"

AND HE GOES, "NINERS, WHOO!"

( laughter )

I GO, "I'M SORRY,HERE'S YOUR FLARE BACK.

SEE IF YOU CAN'T HIT THATOLD WOMAN DRIVING THE PINTO."

"HEY, WHO CALLED THE PRINCIPAL?"

( laughter )

I FEEL PRETTY GOOD,I HAD A GOOD DAY.

I GOT MY HAIR CUT TODAY.

YEAH, HE KIND OFSCREWED UP MY BANGS.

( laughter )

ALL THE MENIN MY FAMILY ARE BALD

AND ALL THE WOMENARE HUNCHBACKED

AND THEY DON'T KNOW WE'RE BALD.

( mild laughter )

( mumbles )

EVERYBODY IN MY FAMILYHAS TOUPEES.

I SAW MY UNCLE AT CHRISTMAS,HE GOES

"HEY, MARK, HOW ARE YOU DOING?"

I GO,"NICE TOUPEE, UNCLE LARRY."

HE GOES, "HOW DID YOU KNOWI WAS WEARING A TOUPEE?"

"WELL, BECAUSE YOU WERE BALDAT THANKSGIVING."

( laughter )

"AND THERE'S A TAG HANGING DOWNIN THE BACK."

( laughter )

MY DAD JUST GOT A TOUPEE ALSO--

NOT A VERY NICE ONE, THOUGH,MADE OUT OF CAT HAIR.

YEAH, EVERY TIMEYOU TOUCH HIS HEAD

HIS BUTT GOES UP IN THE AIR.

( laughter )

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE ROCKING.

I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE MY FATHER

EXCEPT I'M NOT SITTINGIN A CHAIR IN MY UNDERWEAR.

( laughter )

I GOT TO SEE MY FAMILY RECENTLY.

IT WAS TIME-- I WAS ACTUALLYSTARTING TO DEVELOP

A LITTLE BIT OF SELF-ESTEEM.

( laughter )

SO I THOUGHT I'D GET TOGETHERWITH THE GREAT EQUALIZERS.

WE HAVE A BASIC TRADITIONIN MY FAMILY--

WE GET TOGETHER AND WEPSYCHOLOGICALLY ABUSE EACH OTHER

TILL ONE OF US HAS A SEIZURE

AND THEN WE HAVE PIE.

( laughter )

EVERYBODY IN MY FAMILYHAS HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

MY MOM KEEPS SCORE.

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP AND WEWERE GOING TO VISIT RELATIVES

SHE'D LOOK AT ME IN THE CARAND SAY, "NOW, BE REALLY GOOD

BECAUSE YOUR AUNT JUSTHAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN."

I WAS AFRAIDI WAS GOING TO SET HER OFF.

"COULD I HAVE A GLASS OF WATER?"

"WATER?"

( babbling )

"ALL RIGHT, KOOL-AID, I'LL USETHE HOSE, FORGET ABOUT IT."

I WAS SO TERRIFIED OF MY FAMILY

AT ALL FAMILY FUNCTIONSI USED TO HIDE IN THE CAR.

THEY'RE ALL HAVING A PICNIC;

ALL THE OTHER KIDSWOULD COME OVER--

( knocking )

"MARK, COME ON, GET OUT,WE'RE GOING TO PLAY SOME GAMES."

"NO!

"DON'T YOU KNOWOUR FAMILY IS CRAZY?

GET BACK IN YOUR CARS!"

( laughter )

"BRING ME SOME PIE."

( laughter )

I SAW PICTURES OF MYSELFAS A CUB SCOUT.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BE A CUB SCOUT,MY FATHER MADE ME.

I WAS WILLING TO JOINTHE CUB SCOUT RESERVES.

WELL, IT'S NOT NEARLYAS STRESSFUL.

YOU ONLY HAVE TO MEET,LIKE, ONCE EVERY TWO MONTHS.

YOU SHOW UP IF THERE'SA BIG CUB SCOUT EMERGENCY--

50 OLD LADIES AT A CROSSING.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD ALWAYSCRACK ME UP ABOUT CUB SCOUTS

WAS THEIR MOTTO--

"ON MY HONOR,I PROMISE TO DO MY BEST

TO DO MY DUTY TO GODAND MY COUNTRY."

NOW, WHAT KIND OF PICKLE DOESTHE NATION HAVE TO GET INTO

FOR THE PRESIDENT TO GO

"FOR GOD'S SAKES,SEND IN THE CUB SCOUTS!"

( laughter )

GETS ON THE PHONE,"GET ME DEN FIVE.

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMNIF THEY'RE AT A JAMBOREE!

WELL, SEND IN THE WEBELOS."

( laughter )

YEAH, WEBELOS,THAT'S A GREAT NAME.

"NO, NOT IN MY TENT WE DON'T."

( laughter )

CUB SCOUT TAKINGTHE PHONE CALL--

"TOMMY, IT'S THE PRESIDENTON THE PHONE.

"IT IS TOO.

YOU'RE A LIAR."

( laughter )

ONE OF THEM GETSSHOT IN BATTLE--

"CRAP, THEY GOT BILLY."

"WELL, WHAT ARE WEGOING TO DO NOW?

"HIS MOM IS THE DEN MOTHER.

I GET HIS SWIMMING BADGE."

( laughter )

"WAR IS HECK."

HAD THANKSGIVING DINNERWITH MY FAMILY.

MY MOM MADEHER FAMOUS JELL-O SALAD.

MMM!

WHAT IS THAT CRAP?

IT'S NOT EVEN GOOD.

ALL IT DOES IS, LIKE

SCOOT OVER ON THE PLATEAND SCREW UP THE GOOD FOOD.

( laughter )

I'M SPENDING THE WHOLE MEAL

FLICKING THOSE MULTICOLOREDMARSHMALLOWS OFF MY TURKEY.

"GET OUT OF THERE,YOU LITTLE AMBROSIA BASTARD!

GET BACK IN THE BAG!"

SHE MIXES COTTAGE CHEESEWITH JELL-O.

COTTAGE CHEESE IS THE MOSTDISGUSTING FOOD ON THE PLANET.

WHY COMBINE IT WITH SOMETHINGTHAT MAKES IT WIGGLE?

I JUST... I BROKE UPWITH THIS GIRL, IT WAS...

IT WAS MY DOING, THOUGH.

I CAN'T TELL YOU HER REAL NAME,OF COURSE, BECAUSE, UH...

WELL, SHE DIDN'T TELL MEHER REAL NAME.

( laughter )

VERY ATTRACTIVE GIRL, EXCEPTSHE HAD KIND OF A WEIRD THING--

THIS IS THE TRUTH, TOO--

SHE HAD SIX TOESON EACH OF HER FEET...

FOR REAL.

NOW, I DON'T MEAN TO MAKE FUNOF HER, BUT IT WAS FREAKY

AND SHE DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT IT.

I THINK THAT'S PRETTY MUCHFIRST-DATE CONVERSATION.

( laughter )

SLIDE IT IN DURING DINNER:

"THIS WINE IS DELICIOUS--I HAVE 12 TOES."

( laughter )

THEN I COULD OPEN UP, YOU KNOW:

"WELL, I'M A BED WETTER,SO, UH..."

THIS IS HOW I FIND OUT, THOUGH--

WE'RE WATCHING TELEVISIONIN MY APARTMENT

SHE TAKES HER SHOES OFF,PLOPS HER FEET IN MY LAP.

I'M PLAYING WITH HER FEET--

"THIS LITTLE PIGGYWENT TO MARKET...

"THIS LITTLE PIGGYSTAYED HOME...

"THIS LITTLE PIGGYHAD ROAST BEEF...

"THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD NONE...

THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT, 'WEE,WEE, WEE,' ALL THE WAY HOME."

( laughter )

"YOU HAVE TOO MANY PIGGIES."

( laughter )

"I DON'T KNOWWHAT THAT PIGGY DOES.

THIS LITTLE PIGGY SCARESTHE HELL OUT OF ME."

( laughter )

"ALL THE WAY HOME."

I DIDN'T BREAK UPWITH HER RIGHT THEN.

THAT WOULD BE MEAN, YOU KNOW--"OUT OF MY HOUSE, MUTANT!

SCOOT, YOU CYBORG."

( laughter )

I STARTED BECOMINGVERY AWARE OF IT.

ONE NIGHT I WOKE UP

AND HER TOES ARE POKED OUTFROM UNDER THE COVERS.

JESUS, I THOUGHT I WAS SITTINGIN FRONT OF A JURY.

( laughter )

AND THOSE WERE 12 ANGRY TOES.

VERY AWARE OF IT AT THE BEACH.

I'M WALKING BEHIND HER,MESSING UP HER TRACKS.

( laughter )

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