CC Presents: Bill Burr

  • Season 7, Ep 2
  • 02/13/2003

MTV Cribs-level wealth eludes Bill Burr, but he doesn't sweat it. Who needs a helicopter anyway?

I'M A LOSER, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING?I SITTING AROUND.

I WAS WATCHING THAT SHOWMTV CRIBS.

YOU GUYS KNOW THAT SHOW?

YOU KNOW, THAT SHOWWHERE THEY SHOW

ALL THE ROCK STARS'AND THE RAPPERS' HOUSES

AND ALL THEIR STUFF?

DOESN'T THAT SHOWMAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A LOSER?

KILLS MY SELF-ESTEEM.

I'M SITTING THERE WATCHINGBRITNEY SPEARS.

SHE'S, LIKE, 20 YEARS OLD.

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,THIS IS MY HELICOPTER.

"I HAD IT SPRAY-PAINTED PINKTO MATCH MY TOP TODAY.

"SO COOL.

"I PUT SOME GLITTERON DUT-DUT-DUT-DUT-DUT PART.

WE'RE GONNA FLYUP TO THE HOUSE."

I'M 34, SITTING ON A FUTON,EATING MACARONI AND CHEESE LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD.

"I'M A LOSER!

I'LL NEVER OWN A HELICOPTER!"

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVEABOUT THAT SHOW THOUGH?

ALL THEY'RE DOINGIS SHOWING YOU WHAT NOT TO DO

WHEN YOU GET RICH.

SERIOUSLY,'CAUSE NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE

ARE SAVING THEIR MONEY.

HALF OF 'EM,ALL THEY HAVE IS ONE HIT ALBUM,

SO SHOULD THEY REALLYBE BUYING ALL OF THAT STUFF?

20-ROOM HOUSE.17 CARS.

IT'S JUST LIKE,"DUDE, DON'T YOU WATCH

"BEHIND THE MUSIC?

"HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED ANYTHINGFROM THAT PROGRAM?

"YOU'RE GONNA BE SMOKING CRACKIN, LIKE, SIX WEEKS.

SAVE YOUR MONEY."

NO, THEY'RE DUMB.

I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, MAN,

IF YOU WANT TO KNOWHOW TO BE RICH,

DON'T LOOK AT A RAPPER,DON'T LOOK AT A ROCK STAR,

LOOK AT A GUY LIKE BILL GATES.

THAT DUDE IS SO GOODAT BEING RICH

IT'S, LIKE, IRRITATING.

HE MAKES, LIKE,$30 MILLION A DAY,

AND LOOK AT HIM.

HE DRESSES LIKEHE WORKS IN, LIKE, A SHOE STORE,

BUT THAT'S WHYHE'S ALWAYS GONNA BE RICH.

HE'S NOT SHOWING OFF,TRYING TO, LIKE,

BUY ALL THIS FLASHY STUFF,

LIKE WALKING AROUND WITH, LIKE,A ICED-OUT LAPTOP MEDALLION

HANGING OFF HIS NECK,

HAVE SOME FUZZY PIMP HATTO THE SIDE,

SITTING IN A HOT TUBWITH SOME BITCHES, YOU KNOW,

HAVE A MIDGET IN HIS CREWJUST FOR THE HELL OF IT.

[laughter and applause]

HAVE YOU NOTICEDTHAT'S THE NEW STATUS SYMBOL

OF RICH PEOPLE--MIDGETS.

I'M SERIOUS.

NO ENTOURAGE IS COMPLETE NOWUNLESS YOU HAVE A MIDGET.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S GOOD FOR MIDGETS.

SERIOUSLY, 'CAUSE HISTORICALLY,

THOSE PEOPLEHAVE NOT GOTTEN GOOD JOBS.

EVEN WHEN THEY BOOK A MOVIE,THEY NEVER GET TO BE THE LEAD,

NEVER GET TO BE THE HERO.

THEY ALWAYS GOT TO PLAY,LIKE, A TROLL OR A FAIRY

RUNNING OUT FROM UNDER A BRIDGE,BITING ON SOMEBODY'S LEG.

[gnashing]

YOU GUYS LIKE GEORGE?

WELL, YES?NO?

I LIKE GEORGE.

YOU KNOW WHATI LIKE ABOUT GEORGE?

HE MAKES ME FEELLIKE I COULD BE PRESIDENT TOO.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

NO, HE DOES.

HE'S, LIKE, THE FIRST GUY,

LIKE, FROM MY READING LEVEL,YOU KNOW?

LIKE, THE FIRST GUY, LIKE,FROM MY MATH CLASS

TO FINALLY GO OUTAND DO SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVEABOUT GEORGE?

HE CAN'T SAY THE WORD "TERROR."

HE CAN'T.HE USES THE WORD--

EVERY SPEECH,HE CAN'T SAY TERROR.

HE GOES "TER."

THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS.

HE GOES, "AMERICAWILL NOT STAND FOR TER,

"ANYBODY WHO SUPPORTS TER.

"IF YOU'RE A TER'IST,

WE'RE GONNA GET YOU."

WHAT KIND OF PRESIDENT GOES,"WE'RE GONNA GET YOU"?

[laughter and applause]

HE'S LIKE SOME REDNECKTHEY DRAGGED OUT OF A BARBEQUE,

PUT HIM IN A SUIT.

JUST STANDING ON STAGE GOING,"WE'RE GONNA GET YOU."

HE SHOULD JUST BE UP THEREWITH A COUPLE OF BLOODHOUNDS

GOING,"GO GET 'EM, BLUE.

"SMELL THE SHIRT.GO GET 'EM.

DAMN,THAT BLUE'S A GOOD DOG."

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THINGI HAVE REALIZED THOUGH.

WHEN YOU GO TO WAR, MAN,THAT'S THE ONE TIME

WHEN YOU REALLY HAVE TO, LIKE,APPRECIATE REDNECKS THOUGH.

NO, YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE REDNECKS,THEY'RE, LIKE,

THE ONE GROUP OF PEOPLETHAT ACTUALLY WANT TO GO TO WAR.

EVERYBODY ELSETRIES TO GET OUT OF IT.

LIKE, RICH PEOPLENEVER GO TO WAR.

YOU ASK A COLLEGE KIDIF HE WANTS TO GO TO WAR.

HE SAYS LIKE, "UM, I'M TAKINGA SOCIOLOGY CLASS,

"AND I THINK WAR IS, LIKE,REALLY STUPID.

"MY ROOMMATE'S, LIKE,HALF AFGHANI,

SO THAT'S GONNA CAUSESOME STATIC."

[laughter]

YOU ASK A REDNECKIF HE WANTS TO GO TO WAR.

HE JUST LIKE,"HELL, YEAH!

"ABSOLUTELY.I'M READY RIGHT NOW.

"YOU JUST POINT THE DIRECTION,BUDDY.

I'M READY TO DO THIS."

NO,THEY'RE FRIGHTENING PEOPLE,

BUT YOU GOT TO UTILIZE 'EM.

SERIOUSLY, YOU WANTTO SCARE THE ENEMY, OKAY,

AND REDNECKSARE LIKE AMERICA'S PIT BULLS.

THEY SHOULD JUST SEDATETHOSE PEOPLE,

DROP 'EM OFF IN AFGHANISTAN.

JUST LET 'EM RUN WILD.

JUST BE LIKE,"DUDE, JUST GO DO EVERYTHING

"YOU EVER DREAMED OF DOING.

"JUST GO CRAZY.

"HAVE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDSPLAY THE BANJO.

IT'LL SCARETHE HELL OUT OF 'EM."

[laughter]

SERIOUSLY, YOU WOULDN'T WANTTO DRAFT A GUY LIKE ME.

I'M A COMEDIAN.

I'M USELESS.

I'M A COWARD.

I DON'T LIKE CONFRONTATIONS.

YOU DRAFT A REDNECK,NOT ONLY IS THAT DUDE A PSYCHO,

HE'LL ACTUALLY SAVE YOU MONEY.

THOSE GUYS SHOW UP TO THE ARMYLIKE, "HERE'S YOUR M16."

THEY'RE LIKE,"I ALREADY GOT ONE.

"I GOT SOME STUFF IN THE TRUNK

"YOU AIN'T EVER SEEN BEFORE,BUDDY.

"I WENT ON THE INTERNET,

"GOT ME SOMEOF THAT SURFACE-TO-AIR STUFF,

"TOOK IT OUT HUNTING,

"GOT ME A MOOSE AND A DUCKAT THE SAME TIME.

"I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THE DUCK.

"DUCK WAS OVER HER'.

"I'M AIMING AT THE MOOSE.

"DUCK'S OVER HER'.

"THAT'S MY PERIPHERALOVER HER'.

"AND THE SHOTWENT UP THE MOOSE'S ASS,

"AND THE SHRAPNELFROM HIS ANTLER HIT THE DUCK.

"DUCK CAME DOWN.

IT WAS THE BEST DAMN DUCKI EVER ATE."

I HATE TAKING THE SUBWAY'CAUSE I HAVE A VERY, LIKE,

HOWDY DOODY KIND OF,"MUG ME" KIND OF FACE.

NO, PEOPLE TEND TO MESS WITH MEWHEN I'M ON THE TRAIN, YOU KNOW?

SO I DON'T LOOK AT ANYBODYWHEN I'M ON THE TRAIN.

I JUST, LIKE,STARE AT THE FLOOR, YOU KNOW?

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

ONE NIGHT, I'M SITTING THERE.I'M STARING AT THE FLOOR.

THERE'S, LIKE, 20 OTHER PEOPLEIN THE MIDDLE OF THE TRAIN.

ALL OF A SUDDEN,I HEAR THIS LADY'S VOICE

AT THE BACK OF THE TRAIN--I SWEAR TO GOD.

SHE'S SITTING THERE;SHE'S GOING--

SHE'S GOING,"OW!

LET GO OF MY NECK."

I SWEAR TO GOD.SHE'S LIKE, "OW!

"YOU'RE HURTING ME.

LET GO OF MY NECK."

AND YOU KNOW, IT'S, LIKE,YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK

WHEN SOME STUFFLIKE THAT'S HAPPENING.

YOU KNOW, YOU TRY TO IGNORE IT.

YOU'RE JUST SIT THERE GOINGLIKE, "SETTLE THAT.

"MAKE IT GO AWAY.

DON'T WANT TO SEETHE REST OF THAT."

BUT IT JUST KEEPS GOING.

SHE'S GOING,"I SAID OW!

"YOU'RE HURTING ME.

LET GO OF MY NECK!"

SO FINALLY, I GOT TO LOOK.

I LOOK DOWN--I SWEAR TO GOD, MAN--

THIS DUDE HAS GOT HIS GIRL,

LIKE, RIGHT BYTHE BACK OF THE NECK.

HE'S GOING,"YOU SHUT THE HELL UP.

YOU SHUT UP."

SHE'S LIKE, "AHH!"

"SHUT UP!""WAH!"

SO I DON'T KNOWWHAT THE HELL TO DO, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE IT'S, LIKE,I REALLY WANT TO HELP HER OUT,

BUT I REALLY DON'T KNOWHOW TO FIGHT,

SO WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA WALK DOWNTHE END OF THE TRAIN.

FIVE SECOND LATER,I'M GONNA BE GOING, "AHH!

"LET GO OF MY NECK.AHH!

"I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.

WAH!"

SO I DIDN'T DO A DAMN THING.

I DIDN'T.I JUST SAT THERE.

I WAS LIKE,"TO HELL WITH HER.

"SHE PICKED HIM.IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

I DON'T KNOW IF SHE'S INTO THATKIND OF THING BUT..."

[laughter]

I DON'T REALLY LIKE THAT SHOW,BUT MY GIRLFRIEND LIKES IT,

AND I WANT TO GET LAID,SO, YOU KNOW.

NO, NO.YOU PICK YOUR BATTLES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKEABOUT THAT SHOW?

THEY ALWAYS EXAMINERELATIONSHIPS ON THAT SHOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT I REALIZED,

WHENEVER THEY DO THATON THOSE TALK SHOWS,

90% OF THE TIME,THE DUDE IS ALWAYS WRONG.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

TWO PEOPLE;90% OF THE TIME,

GUY'S ALWAYS WRONG.

HE'S ALWAYS LIKE--

THIS WOMAN IS ALWAYS, LIKE,TOTALLY INNOCENT.

LIKE, "I WAS JUSTTRYING TO MAKE HIM

"SOME CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES,

"AND HE DIDN'T THINKTHERE WAS ENOUGH

"CHOCOLATE CHIPSIN THE COOKIES,

"SO HE STARTED BEATING MEWITH THE COOKIE PAN.

IT WAS HORRIBLE."

AND THE GUY'S, LIKE,ALWAYS THE BIGGEST MORON EVER.

LIKE, "WELL, WHAT?I WANTED SOME COOKIES."

NOW, I'M NOT SAYINGGUYS AREN'T JERKS--

I'M A GOOD EXAMPLE OF ONE,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BUT WOMEN CAN BE JERKS TOO.

THEY SHOULD BALANCE IT OUT.

LIKE, YOU KNOWWHAT GROUP OF WOMEN

I'D LOVE THEM TO DO A SHOW ON

ARE THOSE 24-, 25-YEAR-OLDGORGEOUS WOMEN

WHO WILL GO OUT AND,LIKE, HOOK UP AND MARRY, LIKE,

A 80-YEAR-OLD RICH GUY.

YOU EVER SEEN THEM HANGING OUTWITH, LIKE, HUGH HEFNER,

SOME 70-YEAR-OLD GUYIN HIS PAJAMAS.

NOW, IF THEY WERE JUST HONESTABOUT IT AND WERE LIKE,

"LOOK, THIS GUY IS GONNA DIE IN,LIKE, SEVEN OR EIGHT MINUTES.

I'M GONNA GET A BAG OF CASHAND A LEXUS."

I WOULDN'T HAVE A PROBLEMWITH IT,

BUT THEY ALWAYS TRY AND LIEAND BE LIKE,

"NO,I LOVE HIM FOR WHO HE IS.

"IT HAS NOTHINGTO DO WITH THE BIG YACHT.

"THERE'S JUST SOMETHINGABOUT THE WAY

"HE DROOLS IN HIS BATHROBEAS HE PUSHES THE CHECKERS ALONG.

IT'S REALLY ENJOYABLE."

I JUST WANT TO BE LIKE,

"LADY, YOU'RE HUMPING HIMFOR HIS MONEY."

SEE, THAT'S SOMETHINGI COULD NEVER DO, MAN.

IF SOME 80-YEAR-OLD BILLIONAIRE,RICH OLD LADY

CAME WALKING DOWN THE STREET,STARTED, LIKE, HITTING ON ME,

SAYING LIKE,"HEY, THERE, SONNY,"

YOU KNOW,STARTED GRABBING MY ASS.

"OH, YOU'RE PRETTY FIRM.

WHAT, ARE YOU IN THE NAVYOR SOMETHING?"

I'D JUST BE LIKE, "LADY,GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.

RIGHT, YOU'RE OLD.YOU'RE GROSS."

YOU KNOW, "I'M SORRY.

"I'M SURE YOU WERE UNBELIEVABLEBACK IN THE '20s

"WHEN YOU WEREDOING THE CHARLESTON,

"MAKING BEER IN YOUR BATHTUB,

"BUT YOU ARE AT LEASTFOUR DECADES BEYOND HUMPABLE.

I'M SORRY."

NO, HOW DO YOU HAVE--I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

HOW DO YOU HAVE SEXWITH SOMEBODY

40 OR 50 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU?

I'LL TELL YOU THE ONLY WAYYOU CAN DO IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TO DO?

YOU GOT TO PUT THE WILLON THE HEADBOARD.

[laughter]

NO, SO AT ANY POINT,IF YOU LOSE YOUR NERVE,

YOU JUST CAN READ SOME OFTHE STUFF THAT YOU'RE GETTING.

YOU'RE JUST SITTING THERE LIKE,"OH, MY GOD.

"THIS IS DISGUISING.

"WHAT IS BECOMING ME?

"OOH, A HOUSE IN MIAMI.

"OKAY, I CAN STICK THIS OUTA LITTLE BIT LONGER.

I GUESS THIS ISN'T AS BADAS I WAS THINKING A SECOND AGO."

I DO.

I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.

LIKE, BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

I DON'T TRUST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

I JUST DON'T.YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE YOU KNOWWHAT I'VE NOTICED

IN MY LIFE AS A MAN?

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN ARE ONLY AROUNDWHEN YOU HAVE STUFF.

WHEN YOUR LIFEIS GOING ON GREAT,

THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE BROKE,

YOU CAN'T FINDA BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

YOU'RE, LIKE, UNDER A BRIDGE.

THERE'S, LIKE, TROLLSAND FERRETS RUNNING AROUND.

THEY'RE JUST NOT AROUND.

THEN THE SECOND YOU GET SOME--

LIKE, YOU GET A LITTLE MONEY,

THEY COULD OUT OF THE WOODWORKLIKE,

"OH, MY GOD,YOU HAVE SOME STUFF?

"CAN YOU BUY ME SOME STUFF?

I WANT SOME STUFF TOO."

THEN THE SECOND YOU GO BROKE,

"OH, MY GOD,I LEFT SOMETHING OVER HERE

"NEXT TO THIS GUY.

"HE HAS STUFF.I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU."

[laughter]

COME ON, YOU KNOWWHAT SOLIDIFIED MY ISSUES?

THIS IS WHAT SOLIDIFIED IT.

OKAY, I WAS AT A YANKEES GAMEONE TIME, RIGHT?

AND I'M SITTING, IT WAS,LIKE, THE END OF THE INNING,

AND TINO MARTINEZ CATCHESA FOUL BALL TO END THE INNING.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY ALWAYSTHROW IT INTO THE CROWD?

THERE'S, LIKE,A HUNDRED PEOPLE GOING,

"TINO, TINO, THROW ME THE FLY.THROW ME THE BALL."

THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL GIRL

SITTING RIGHT IN THE FRONT ROW,OF COURSE.

"OH, MY GOD,I HAVE THESE.

"EH, I GET TO SITIN THE FRONT ROW.

WHAT, THIS DOESN'T HAPPENTO EVERYBODY?"

SO THERE'S A HUNDRED PEOPLEASKING FOR THIS STUPID BALL.

HE WALKS RIGHT UP TO HER.

JUST HANDS IT RIGHT TO HER.

DIDN'T FLIP IT.DIDN'T TOSS IT.

HANDED IT RIGHT TO HER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'D HAVE TO DOIN MY LIFETIME

TO EVER CATCH A FOUL BALL?

FIRST OF ALL,IT WOULD HAVE TO BE, LIKE,

THE ONE IN A MILLION CHANCETHAT THE BALL

WAS ACTUALLY HIT WAY THE HELL UPWHERE I WAS SITTING

IN, LIKE,THE UPPER, UPPER, UPPER DECK,

WHICH MEANS THE BALLIS GONNA BE COMING IN

AT ABOUT 100, 120 MILES AN HOUR,

SO I GOT TO FIGURE OUT,LIKE, WHICH BODY PART

I'M GONNA SACRIFICETO SLOW IT DOWN,

AND THEN I GOT TO POUNCE ON IT,

CURL UP IN THE FETAL POSITION

AS EIGHT GUYS PUNCH MEIN THE BACK OF THE HEAD,

AND I PRAY TO GODTHAT I CAN HANG ON

UNTIL SECURITY GETS THERE.

AND HE JUST WALKED RIGHT UPAND JUST HANDED HER THE BALL.

SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T EVEN KNOWWHAT IT WAS.

LIKE, "BASKET?OH, BASEBALL.

"OH, MY GOD,LET ME TAKE THIS HOME

"AND STICK IT NEXT TO MY OTHERUNBELIEVABLE FREE THINGS

"THAT I DON'T APPRECIATE SHELFIN MY HOUSE."

THAT'S WHAT I LOVEABOUT THIS JOB.

I NEVER WANTED A JOBWHERE I HAD A BOSS.

THAT'S WHY I USED TO ALWAYS WORKIN, LIKE, WAREHOUSES,

'CAUSE IF MY BOSSIS GIVING ME A ROUGH TIME,

I COULD JUST GET ON A FORKLIFT

AND JUST, LIKE, DRIVE AWAYFROM HIM, YOU KNOW?

AND I REALIZED I WAS TOO STUPIDTO RUN A BUSINESS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I JUST KNEWI WAS NEVER GONNA BE THAT GUY

IN LIKE, YOU KNOW,IN THE BIG OFFICE,

BIG LONG TABLE,GOING,

"IN THE FOURTH QUARTER,WE NEED TO INCREASE PRODUCTION.

"OKAY, CATHY, YOU'RE USING ALITTLE BIT TOO MANY PAPER CLIPS,

"AND WE NEED TO JUST KIND OFTONE THAT DOWN.

"I'M NOT SINGLING YOU OUT.

WE JUST KIND OF"--

I COULD NEVER DO IT,SO I REALIZED

THE ONE I COULD EVER DO,

MY GREATEST THINGI COULD EVER DO,

WAS WORKIN ONE OF THOSE CUBICLES,

AND I REFUSE TO DO IT.

CUBICLES SHOULD BE ILLEGAL, MAN.

YOU KNOWWHAT A CUBICLE BASICALLY SAYS?

IT BASICALLY SAYS LIKE,"YOU KNOW WHAT?

"WE DON'T THINK YOU'RE SMARTENOUGH FOR AN OFFICE,

"BUT WE DON'T WANT YOUTO LOOK AT ANYBODY,

"SO YOU'RE GONNA GET IN THERE,

AND YOU'RE GONNASHUT YOUR FACE."

AND YOU JUST GET IN THERE,

AND YOU'RE, LIKE, HUNCHED OVER,TYPING AWAY.

AROUND LUNCHTIME, YOU POPYOUR HEAD UP LIKE A GOPHER,

LIKE, "HEY, STEVE,YOU WANT TO GET A SANDWICH?"

"I SAID GET IN THEREAND SHUT YOUR FACE!"

"AH, I WAS JUST ASKINGFOR A SANDWICH OR SOMETHING.

"GOD, I HATE THAT GUY.

"I REALLY HATE THAT GUY.

IT'S TIME TO GO ON THE INTERNETAND LOOK FOR A WEAPON."

[laughter]

PATHETIC, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVEABOUT THE CUBICLE?

I ALWAYS LOVETHE PATHETIC ATTEMPT

TO TRY TO MAKE THE CUBICLELIKE A HOME,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THERE'S ALWAYS, LIKE,A STUFFED ANIMAL IN THERE

OR, LIKE, A PICTURE OF YOUR MOM

WITH, LIKE, HER DISAPPOINTEDEYES LOOKING BACK OUT AT YOU

LIKE, "WHY HAVE YOU ACCEPTEDTHIS AS YOUR LOT IN LIFE?

"WHY DON'T YOU HAVE THE BALLTO GET UP

AND WALK OUT OF THIS THING?"

I'M TELLING YOU.

THOSE PEOPLENEED TO BE RESCUED.

YOU EVER WALK BY A CUBICLE?

THE PERSON IN THE CUBICLEALWAYS LOOKS BACK OUT AT YOU

'CAUSE THEY'RE STARVEDFOR SOME SORT OF HUMAN CONTACT.

THEY'RE JUST START UPA CONVERSATION

LIKE, "HEY, HEY.

"IS IT RAINING OUT?

"I HAVEN'T SEEN THE SKY IN,LIKE, SIX DAYS.

THEY DON'T LET US LOOKOUT THE WINDOWS."

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

I'M STANDING THERE, RIGHT,MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS.

ALL RIGHT, THIS BLACK GUYGOES TO GET ON THE TRAIN, RIGHT?

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE DOORS,LIKE, CLOSED ON HIM,

YOU KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENS?

THEY KIND OF OPEN AND CLOSE UP.[thumping]

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE TRYING TO,LIKE, DICE YOU UP.

[thumping]

SO IT'S, LIKE, TYPICAL NEW YORK.

THERE'S, LIKE,20 PEOPLE WATCHING,

BUT NOBODY HELPS OUT.

EVERYONE'S JUST STANDING THERELIKE,

"WOW, I THINK IT'S GONNA CUTHIS ARM OFF."

SO THE DUDE'S STUCKIN THE DOOR.

THE CONDUCTOR COMES OUT,

STARTS GIVING THE GUYA ROUGH TIME

AS HE'S STUCK IN THE DOORS.

HE'S GOING,"COME ON, BUDDY, LET'S GO!"

HE'S LIKE,"YOU'RE HOLDING PEOPLE UP.

LET'S GO!"

SO THE DUDE IN THE DOORSTARTS FLIPPING OUT.

"WHAT THE HELLARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR?"

HE'S LIKE,"I'M STUCK IN THE DOORS."

THEN HE MAKES IT RACIAL.

HE'S LIKE,"I BET YOU WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING

TO ALL THE CRACKERSSITTING OVER HERE."

IT WAS, LIKE, ME AND THREE OTHERWHITE DUDES SITTING THERE.

SO HE GETS INTO ITWITH THIS GUY.

HE KEEPS COMING BACKTO THAT POINT

LIKE,"I BET YOU WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING

TO THESE CRACKERSSITTING OVER HERE."

AND AFTER LIKE THE THIRDOR FOURTH,

"CRACKERS SITTING OVER HERE,"

ME AND THE THREE WHITE DUDESKIND OF START, LIKE,

LOOKING AT EACH OTHER LIKE,"DUDE, SHOULDN'T WE, LIKE,

"BE GETTING OFFENDEDAT THIS POINT?

"THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.

"I CAN LITERALLY FEEL THE HEATFROM HIS FINGER

"AS HE'S GOING,'CRACKERS SITTING OVER HERE.'

SOMEBODY SHOULD DO SOMETHING."

SO YOU KNOW WHAT?NOBODY DID [bleep].

WE JUST SAT THEREAND TOOK IT.

THAT'S WHAT SUCKS ABOUTBEING WHITE IN THAT SITUATION.

THERE'S NO UNITY.

THERE'S NO BROTHERSWHEN IT COMES TO WHITE PEOPLE.

WE ARE NOT--

WE ARE JUSTCOMPLETE INDIVIDUALS.

WE DON'T CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER.

"THAT'S NOT MY BROTHER.

"MY BROTHER LIVES IN OHIO.

I DON'T KNOW THAT GUY."

I'M NOT CONCERNEDABOUT OVER HERE.

I'M CONCERNED ABOUT FROM HERETO RIGHT HERE,

HERE.

IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

I GOT CALLED A CRACKERFOR, LIKE, 18 STOPS.

[laughter]

I'LL TELL YOU,THAT'S FUNNY THOUGH,

WHEN SOMEONE GETS RACIALWITH YOU AND YOU'RE WHITE

'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT ALLOWEDTO GET RACIAL BACK,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SO IT'S KIND OF, LIKE, AWKWARD.

THE DUDE'S GOING ON,"WHITE BOY!

YOU CRACKER!"

YOU'RE LIKE,"YEAH, YOU STUPID JERK."

[laughter]

NO, YOU CAN'T GET RACIAL BACK

'CAUSE THE SECONDYOU GET RACIAL BACK

WHEN YOU'RE WHITE,THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN

THEY, LIKE, WHEEL OUTTHAT PODIUM AND HAVE, LIKE,

THAT PRESS CONFERENCE.

YOU GOT TO BE LIKE THAT GUYSTANDING UP THERE GOING,

"I DISGRACED THE COMPANY.

"I DISGRACED MYSELF.

"I JUST LIKE TO STATETHAT THERE WAS

"NO AIR CONDITIONINGON THE SUBWAY.

"I WASN'T THINKING CLEARLY.

"I HAVE NOTHINGAGAINST MEXICANS.

"I WENT TO TIJUANA.I HAD A GREAT TIME.

PLEASE.PLEASE, DON'T DO THIS."

NO, THAT'S WHYA LOT OF WHITE DUDES,

WE CAN GET UPTIGHTIN CERTAIN SOCIAL SITUATIONS.

WE GOT TO WATCH OUTFOR THE PODIUM.

NO, THAT PODIUMCAN COME OUT OF NOWHERE.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYINGTO SAY SOMETHING.

YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH, I'MTHINKING OF GETTING A SHIRT."

"WHAT SHIRT?""I'M THINKING THE BLACK SHIRT."

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY?"

"I SAID BLACK SHIRT.

"I SHOULD HAVE SAIDAFRICAN-AMERICAN SHIRT.

"I APOLOGIZE.PLEASE, I NEED THIS POSITION.

I HAVE A MORTGAGE.PLEASE, DON'T DO THIS."

THAT'S, LIKE, ONE OFTHE BIGGEST THINGS IN MY LIFE.

I'M REALLY TRYING TO GET, LIKE,MORE IN, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

INTO THIS WHOLETECHNOLOGY THING.

I'M AWFUL WITH COMPUTERS.

I'M ONE OF THOSE GUYS,BASICALLY EVERY BUTTON I HIT

ON MY COMPUTER, MY COMPUTERHAS TO, LIKE, SHUT DOWN,

LIKE, REGROUP,

SOMEHOW, LIKE,DEAL WITH MY IDIOCY,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEN THERE'S ALWAYS, LIKE,SOME 8-YEAR-OLD I SEE LATER

ON A LAPTOP LIKE...[scoffs]

[chittering]

HE'S, LIKE,BREAKING INTO THE PENTAGON,

DOWNLOADING MOVIESTHAT HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN MADE YET.

"I JUST GOT A PLANE TICKETFOR 6 BUCKS."

YOU JUST WANT TO SLAM HIS HEADIN THE THING.

I'LL TELL YOU THE ONLY THINGI LIKE ABOUT MY COMPUTER IS,

I REALLY ENJOY SPELL CHECK.

NO, I LOVE IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVEABOUT SPELL CHECK?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CLOSETO GETTING THE WORD RIGHT.

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT?

ALL YOU GOT TO DOIS JUST GET IT, LIKE,

SOMEWHERE, LIKE,IN THE BALLPARK OF THE WORD.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOUR COMPUTERCAN JUST START GUESSING

LIKE, "AH, [bleep],I DON'T KNOW.

'DINOSAUR'?"

YOU KNOW, AND YOU'RESITTING THERE LIKE AN IDIOT,

LIKE, "NAH.

I WASN'T TRYINGTO SPELL 'DINOSAUR.'"

SO THENWHAT DOES YOUR COMPUTER DO?

IT STARTS THROWING OUT,LIKE, EVERY "D" WORD

IT CAN POSSIBLY THINK OF.

LIKE, "OKAY,HOW ABOUT 'DICTIONARY'?

"'DIARRHEA'?

"ANY OF THIS STUFFLOOKING FAMILIAR?

ARE WE MOVING TOWARDS THE GOALOR AWAY FROM IT?"

YOU EVER SPELL A WORDSO BAD THOUGH,

YOUR SPELL CHECKHAS ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE

WHAT THE HELLYOU'RE TRYING TO SPELL?

WHAT DO YOU END UP GETTING?

YOU END UP GETTING, LIKE,A QUESTION MARK.

YOU GOT A MILLION DOLLARSWORTH OF TECHNOLOGY

JUST LOOKING BACK AT YOULIKE,

JUST LIKE,"YOU GOT ME, BUDDY,

"WHICH IS PRETTY AMAZING

"'CAUSE I HAVE ALL THE WORDS.

"YEAH, AND THATDOESN'T LOOK LIKE ANY OF 'EM.

"I CAN'T EVEN MAKE A GUESSTHAT'S SO SCREWED UP.

"WHAT, YOU'D, LIKE, PASS OUT,

"WHACK YOUR HEADOFF THE KEYBOARD?

PLEASE TELL MEYOU'RE NOT THAT STUPID."

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT FOR ME.

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