Fred Stoller & Roger Rittenhouse

  • Season 1, Ep 0154
  • 02/24/1992

SO I'M A LITTLE...

( laughter )

WOW! WHAT A BIG SHOWUNDER THE BIG TENT!

FIRST THEY HAD ME SPINNINGFROM THE CEILING WITH MY TEETH

GOING REALLY, REALLY FAST,AND I DIDN'T MIND.

NOT AT ALL--LOVED IT, ENJOYED IT.

THEY DROPPED ME ON A HORSEFROM ABOUT A HUNDRED FEET UP...

LANDED...

A LITTLE IRRITATING,A LITTLE CHAFED

BUT NOTHING SERIOUS.

( laughter )

RODE AROUND AT TOP SPEED

AND THEN THEY SHOT ME OUTOF DYAN CANNON... WOW!

( laughter )

ROB LOWE WAS THERE.

HE SANG "PROUD MARY"

WHILE RIDING ON THE BACKOF AN ELEPHANT.

IT WAS BRILLIANT.

HE WAS ACTUALLY DANCINGON THE BACK OF THE ELEPHANT

AND HE IS INCREDIBLE.

ROB HAS JUST, LIKE,EVOLVED AND EVOLVED.

( laughter )

MOLLY RINGWALDWAS FOUND MISSING.

THEY DIDN'T KNOWWHAT HAPPENED TO HER

UNTIL THE LION COUGHED UPA RED FUR BALL.

( laughter )

IT WAS HORRIBLE, IT ATE HER!

MOLLY...

( laughter )

THAT SWEET LITTLE THING.

BUT IT WASA FUN AFTERNOON, REALLY.

SO I'M A LITTLE SWEATY ANDA LITTLE HOT AND READY TO GO

BUT, YOU KNOW, WHO CARES?

I FEEL GOOD TONIGHT.

AND WHAT'SHAPPENING HERE?

ANYTHING I SHOULDKNOW ABOUT?

( laughter )

( laughs )

UM, YOU'LL FIND ME DOING THATTHIS EVENING AT DIFFERENT TIMES

JUST TO KEEP THE ENERGY UP

TO KEEP IT GOING, FLOWING,FEELING GOOD, YOU KNOW

THE ADRENALINE,IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

I JUST HAVE TO ADJUST MY CUFFS.

IT'S ONE OF THE MAGIC TRICKSI OFTEN PERFORM.

ADJUSTABLE CUFFS--WASN'T THAT BRILLIANT? TA-DA!

YES, THANK YOU.

( applause )

CONSIDERING LIVING IN L.A.IS PRETTY SCARY THESE DAYS

BUT I DON'T MISS NEW YORK.

THAT'S WHERE I'M FROM,THAT'S WORSE.

I GOT MY RELATIVES THERE.

DURING THE RIOTS, NONE OF THEMCALLED TO SEE HOW I WAS DOING.

ONE UNCLE CALLED,HE WAS CONCERNED.

HE SAID, "WHAT'D YOU GET?"

( laughter )

THAT DOESN'T COUNT.

MY FATHER, HE'S OUT OF IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S LIKE?

HE'S LIKE DUSTIN HOFFMANIN THE MOVIE RAIN MAN

EXCEPT HE'S NOT GOOD IN MATH.

( laughter )

MY FRIENDS, THEY'RE USELESS.

IF I HAVE A PROBLEM

THEY GIVE ME SOME STUPIDCLICHE EXPRESSION.

LIKE, I HAD A BAD DAY

MY FRIEND GOES,"TOMORROW'S ANOTHER DAY."

OH, THANKS, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

I WAS SO SCARED, YOU KNOW.

I SEE THE STORES CLOSING,THE SUN GOING DOWN

I THOUGHT THAT WAS IT.

( laughter )

YOU MEAN THERE'S MORE?

MY FRIENDS... OUT HERE IN L.A.

I GUESS YOU GOT TO BEINTO BODY BUILDING

WHICH I FINALLY HAD TO DO.

PEOPLE GO, "YOU'RE SO SKINNY."

YEAH, GOOD, LEAVE ME ALONE.

THEY GO, "HOW MUCHDO YOU WEIGH?"

WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL THEM?

SO THEY CAN GO, "OH, GOD"?

DO YOU GO TO SOMEONE WHO'S BALD

AND GO, "WHAT'STHE CIRCUMFERENCE OF YOUR HEAD?"

I'M NOT THAT GOOD, THOUGH

WHEN PEOPLE COME TO MEWITH THEIR WEIGHT PROBLEMS.

THIS GIRL, SHE GOES,"OH, MY LEGS ARE SO FAT."

I WENT, "NO, THEY'REIN PROPORTION TO YOUR ARMS."

( laughter )

DURING THE '60s, I WAS A LITTLEKID, SHE WAS A TEENAGER.

SHE WENT THROUGH A PHASE

WHERE SHE WOULD EXPERIMENTWITH DRUGS.

SHE'D TAKE A BUNCH OF PILLS,GO, "I WONDER WHAT THESE DO?"

AND SHE'D SHOVE THEMIN MY MOUTH.

( laughter )

MY MOTHER, SHE FREAKS OUTBECAUSE I QUIT COLLEGE.

SHE'S ALWAYS GOING,"WHEN WILL YOU GET YOUR DEGREE?"

I GO, "WHAT WILL IT DO FOR ME?"

SHE GOES, "YOU'LL BE ABLE TO SAYYOU'RE A COLLEGE GRADUATE."

WHAT, LIKE I'M NOT ABLETO SAY IT NOW?

( laughter )

WHAT, LIKE I TRY, I GO,"I'M A CACKY GAGUATE?"

( laughter )

"I'M A COLLEGE GAGAGUA."

( laughter )

"DAMN, FOUR CREDITS SHORT,I ALMOST HAD IT!"

( laughter )

ALSO, MY MOTHER HASTHIS EXPRESSION.

SHE ALWAYS GOES "AGAIN."

"AGAIN WITH THE TV ON.

"AGAIN WITH THE EATING.

AGAIN WITH THE FEETAT THE END OF THE LEGS."

WORST, I WAS STUCKON A CROSS-COUNTRY TRIP:

"AGAIN WITH THE FILLING UPFOR GAS."

I WAS EATING A HERSHEY BAR--

"AGAIN WITH EATINGBETWEEN MEALS.

THEY'RE GOING TO RUINYOUR APPETITE."

LIKE IT'S NEVER GOING TO WORK.

WHEN I'D BE GROWN UP:"I DON'T WANT TO EAT.

"AS A KID I ATE A HERSHEY BARAND THAT RUINED MY APPETITE.

I JUST GET FEDINTRAVENOUSLY NOW."

THE WAY SHE FREAKS OUT--SHE SEES ME EATING A HERSHEY BAR

SHE GOES, "WHERE DIDYOU GET THAT?"

WHERE DID I GET IT--LIKE I'M A JUNKIE.

( laughter )

AND MY CONNECTION SET ME UPIN MINNEAPOLIS.

( laughter )

I'M GOING TO BE IN SEATTLEIN FIVE HOURS.

YOU GOT SOME CHUNKIES?

AND SOME JUJYFRUITS?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT JUJYFRUITSARE, BY THE WAY?

THOSE CANDIES,THEY GET STUCK IN YOUR TEETH

TRY PULLING THEM OUT,THEY DON'T COME OUT.

YOU HAVE TO TAKEANOTHER JUJYFRUIT

AND SEND HIM INTO RESCUE THE OTHER GUY.

( laughter )

IT'S LIKE "COMMANDO JUJYFRUIT."

SOME OF YOU DO THAT--I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE AT THE BANK MACHINE.

DO YOU LOOK AT OTHER PEOPLE'SRECEIPTS AND COMPARE BALANCES?

"WELL, I'M DOING BETTERTHAN THIS GUY."

( laughter )

MAYBE YOU DO, MAYBE YOU DON'T.

WHO AM I TO JUDGE?

SEE, I DON'T CAREIF YOU DON'T LAUGH.

I DON'T NEED THIS FOR FUN.

I LIVE ON THE EDGE,THE NIGHT'S YOUNG FOR ME.

( laughter )

I'M GOING TO GO RENT A MOVIE.

AND I'M NOT GOING TO REWIND IT.

( laughter )

YOU CAN'T STOP ME.

DON'T EVEN TRY.

I DON'T CARE.

I WAS AT THE MALL TODAY,I WAS ON THE ESCALATOR

I LET GO OF THE HANDRAIL.

( laughter )

THEN I PUT MY ARMS UPIN THE AIR-- YEEE!

( laughter )

I'LL DO IT AGAIN.

I'M ON A RAMPAGE.

I AM SO IMPULSIVE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GOINGTO DO THESE THINGS, MAN.

I BOUGHT A PEN FOR 79 CENTS

I GAVE THE CASHIER 80 CENTS,I WALKED THE HELL AWAY.

( laughter )

YOU HEARD ME RIGHT.

ANYTIME A CASHIER SAYS,"HERE'S YOUR PENNY."

YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY TO HER?

I SAY, "YOU KEEP IT."

YEAH, I'LL SAY IT TO HER.

I'LL SAY IT RIGHT TO HER.

THAT'S KIND OF SEXIST, WHATI SAID-- THE CASHIER, "HER."

CASHIER DOESN'T HAVETO BE A WOMAN.

COULD BE A GAY GUY.

( laughter )

( clapping )

I SAID THAT.

I'M CONTROVERSIAL.

( laughter )

I'M LIKE GERALDO.

( laughter )

DON'T PROVOKE ME.

SHE GOES,"OH, I'M ON THE REBOUND.

"MY BOYFRIEND HURT ME.

I WANT TO HURT HIM, TOO,BUT I CAN'T."

SHE GOES, "JUST TO GET BACK,I MIGHT SLEEP WITH SOME GUY

BUT THAT WOULDN'T HURT HIM."

I SAID, "NO, MAYBE IT WILL."

( laughter )

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HAVEN'T HADSEX IN A REAL LONG TIME

WHEN YOU FINALLY GET ITIT'S SUCH A RELIEF?

THAT'S WHAT I'M HOPINGHAPPENS TO ME.

( laughter )

I CALLED THIS GIRL UP.

YOU EVER GET ITWHERE YOU KNOW THEY LIED

BUT YOU CAN'T ACCEPT IT?

I GO, "HI, IT'S FRED."

SHE GOES, "OH, FRED,I CAN'T TALK.

I'M GOING TO THE BANK,IT CLOSES IN TEN MINUTES."

SO I CALL HER UP IN 15 MINUTESIN A DIFFERENT VOICE:

"HI, IT'S THE BANK.

WHERE ARE YOU?"

( laughter )

YOU PEOPLE LOOK LIKEYOU'RE DOING...

LOOK AT THESEYOUNG, ATTRACTIVE...

A HOLIDAY'S COMING UP.

IN L.A., THE WEATHER'S THE SAME.

IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS,MEMORIAL DAY.

I HATE THESE THREE-DAY HOLIDAYS.

I DON'T WANT MONDAY OFFBECAUSE I DON'T WORK ANYWAY.

SOMEWHERE, THE STREETS ARE EMPTY

THEY'RE BARBECUING,LEAPING, HUGGING...

I'M WALKING THE STREET ALONEGOING, "IS THERE MAIL TODAY?"

( laughter )

"WHY ISN'T THERE MAIL?"

SEE, I THINK WE'D BEENJOYING THIS A LOT MORE

IF WE WERE JUST HANGINGAT A DENNY'S

AND I WAS SAYING THISAT THE END OF THE TABLE.

( clapping )

RIGHT?

THERE'D BE NO PRESSURE.

OH, THAT WAS UNEXPECTED.

BUT HERE, IMAGINE IF YOU TURNEDYOUR TABLES AND FACED ME.

( laughter )

NO, I'M DOING GOOD.

I WAS ON THE SHOW STAR SEARCHAND I WON, AND...

( smattering of applause )

THANK YOU.

AND THIS IS THE PRIZE, SO...

( laughter )

I'M HAVING MAYBE TOO MUCH FUN,THAT'S THE PROBLEM--

MAYBE TOO MUCH FUN.

AH, WOMEN-SCHMIMEN,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

I MET THIS GIRL LAST WEEKAND WE WENT BACK TO MY PLACE

AND ONE THING LED TO NOTHING.

SHE GOES, "NO SEX,WE'RE JUST GOING TO SLEEP.

WE'LL BE FRIENDS."

WHAT FRIENDS DO THAT?

I PLAYED BASKETBALLWITH MY FRIEND THE OTHER DAY

AND HE SAID,"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?"

LET'S TAKE A NAP TOGETHER.

( laughter )

I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, I THINKI'D BETTER GET GOING.

I... I HAVE MORE THRILLS TO DO.

NO, UM, I AM HAVING FUN.

JUST REMINDS ME OF THE NIGHTI GOT STABBED IN THE HEAD.

( laughter )

THOSE ARE REALLY CONNECTING.

IMAGINE, I TALK ABOUT MY MOTHERSO MUCH SHE BECOMES FAMOUS

THEY MAKE A DOLL OF HER.

YOU PULL THE STRING, IT GOES,"AGAIN WITH THE STRING."

THAT'S IT FOR ME,THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THIS HAPPENED YESTERDAYAT THE PETTING ZOO.

( laughter )

I DON'T EVEN...

HEY, YOU DON'T HAVE HAIR,I DON'T HAVE A HAND.

WHAT THE HELL, HUH?

OF COURSE YOU CAN'T PUTYOUR HEAD IN YOUR POCKET.

( laughter )

NO, I'M KIDDING, I...

( laughter )

OH, BOY, I'M TRYING TO WATCHSOME BASEBALL TODAY.

ANY BASEBALL FANS? I SUPPOSE.

YEAH, I'M REALLY TRYINGTO LIKE BASEBALL

BUT I FINALLY FIGURED OUTWHY I CAN'T WATCH IT.

I HAVE A PULSE.

JUST...

( laughter )

I WAS JUST...

IF BASEBALL WERE ANY SLOWER,IT WOULD BE FARMING.

( laughter )

IT'S NOT LIKE A SPORT

WHERE SOMEONE'SGETTING INJURED, YOU KNOW.

OF COURSE, I WATCHPRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES

JUST IN CASETHERE'S A SNIPER, SO...

( laughter )

HAD A CHANCE TO GOBUNGEE CORD JUMPING LAST WEEK.

YOU ALWAYS SEE PEOPLEDOING THOSE SPORTS

IN MOUNTAIN DEW COMMERCIALS.

RISKING THEIR LIVES,SIPPING A DEW.

IF YOU'RE JUMPING OUT OF ABALLOON HOOKED TO A RUBBER BAND

MOUNTAIN DEW IS JUST A CHASERFOR THE STUFF YOU'RE DRINKING.

( laughter )

THAT'S JUST TO MAKE THE CODEINETASTE LEMONY.

( laughter )

A FRIEND GAVE ME TICKETSTO A DEAD CONCERT:

JOHN DENVER, SO...

( laughter )

I SAW THE STONES LAST YEAR.

THEY'RE STILL IMPRESSIVE

BUT WHEN YOU TURN 50,YOU SHOULD WEAR A SHIRT.

( laughter )

OH, THAT'S...

WE ALREADY HAVETHE SINGING RAISINS.

( laughter )

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY EARNEDALL THEIR MONEY GIVING BLOOD.

( laughter )

I'M NOT SAYING THE BANDDREW AN OLDER CROWD

BUT THEY WERE GETTING FEEDBACK

FROM THE PEOPLEWEARING MIRACLE EARS.

( laughter )

OH, I HOPE I LOOK THAT GOODWHEN I'M 50.

I DON'T EAT RIGHT, I JUST...

I HAD CHEESE STICKSFOR DINNER TONIGHT.

IT'D BE HEALTHIER TO TAKEA BULLET, REALLY, WOULDN'T IT?

AT LEAST A BULLETWILL GO THROUGH YOU.

( laughter )

THEN YOU HAVETHE MEAT LOVER'S PIZZA--

FIVE MEATS,EXTRA CHEESE AND BACON.

I'M NO HEART SPECIALIST.

( laughter )

THEY SHOULD SERVE THATWITH A RIB SPREADER.

( laughter )

I SAW A BILLBOARD OF JOE CAMELWEARING A NICOTINE PATCH.

( laughter )

I GOT A FRIEND,SMOKES FIVE PACKS A DAY.

HE HAS TO WEAR NICOTINE SLACKS.

( laughter )

HE SAYS HE'S AFRAID TO QUITBECAUSE HE MIGHT GET HEAVY.

IF HE DOESN'T QUIT

THERE'LL BE SIX FRIENDS GOING,"BOY, HE IS HEAVY."

( laughter and applause )

WHAT DO YOU GAINWHEN YOU QUIT SMOKING?

MAYBE 30, 40 POUNDS?

I STILL FIND IT AMAZING THATSOMEONE CAN GAIN 1,200 POUNDS.

YOU'RE GETTING THAT BIG

YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH EXPERIMENTINGWITH YOUR BODY, AREN'T YOU?

"HEY, I GOT A PRETTYGOOD-SIZED GUT

BUT LET'S SEEWHAT THIS BABY CAN DO."

( laughter )

"I THINK A BUTT IN THE FRONTWOULD LOOK HOT AND SASSY."

( clapping )

"AND MAYBE SOME LITTLE BUTTSON THE KNEES."

( laughter )

WELL, IF YOU'RE FAT,GOD LOVE YOU.

THANKS FOR COMING OUT TONIGHT.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING TOO BIGWHEN DURING CONVERSATION

YOU ACCIDENTALLY BELCH UPA PICNIC HAM.

( laughter )

WALTER HUDSON--REMEMBER THIS GUY?

HE WEIGHED 1,200 POUNDS.

HE HAD THE RECORD.

I WONDER WHO HAS THE RECORD NOW?

HOW WOULD YOU LIKETO GET THAT PHONE CALL?

"HEY, STEVE, WALTER PASSED AWAY.

YOU'RE THE FATTEST MANIN THE WORLD."

( laughter )

"JUST THOUGHT WE'D LET YOU KNOW.

"PEOPLE MAGAZINE'S COMING OVER

SO WEAR A NICE BEDSPREAD,WOULD YOU?"

( laughter )

I HAD A GRANDMOTHERWHO LIVED TO BE 105

AND MAN, LET ME TELL YOU,IT LOOKS GOOD ON PAPER.

( laughter )

I MEAN, LAST TIME I SAW HER,SHE WAS EATING A PUZZLE.

( laughter )

THERE'S A THOUSAND PIECESOF FUN, HUH?

( laughter )

I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET OLD.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE RECLINER

THAT HAS A CUSHIONTHAT PUSHES YOU TO YOUR FEET?

MAN, IF YOU CAN'TGET OUT OF A CHAIR

CHANCES ARE YOU DON'T NEEDTO GET UP, DO YOU?

( laughter )

WHAT'S NEXT?

HEY, IT'S A BEDWITH A LID ON IT!

( laughter and groaning )

( applause )

NOW YOU CAN REALLY SLEEP IN.

IF YOU'RE OLD, GOD LOVE YOU.

THANKS FOR COMING OUT TONIGHT.

( laughter )

IT'S NOT LIKE WE'LL LIVETO BE THAT OLD.

THERE'S SO MANY DISEASESGOING AROUND

YOU CAN'T SLEEPWITH ANYONE ANYMORE.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU'LL FIND

THAT WONKA BARWITH THE GOLDEN TICKET.

( laughter )

AND I DON'T WANT TO BE LITTLECHARLIE, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

THE ECONOMY'S BEEN SO TOUGH.

LUCKILY, I'M GETTINGONE PERCENT BACK

FROM MY DISCOVER CARD, SO...

( laughter )

THAT'S ALL GRAVY.

( laughter )

SO, MY INCOME TAX WAS TOUGH.

THE I.R.S, YOU KNOW, THEY SAID

"YOU NEED TO FILE AN EXTENSIONTO PAY YOUR TAXES."

NO, I'M GOING TO NEEDA SKI MASK TO PAY MY TAXES.

( laughter )

THIS YEAR I WAS BLINDAND HAD FOUR DEPENDENTS.

( laughter )

I WANTED TO BE MENTALLY ILL

BUT I COULDN'T FINDTHE RIGHT FORMS, JUST...

( laughter )

OH... SO I GO TO FLEA MARKETSTO SAVE MONEY.

DO YOU HAVE FLEA MARKETS?

Man:YEAH.

I WAS AT A GREAT ONE LAST WEEK.

ACTUALLY, IT WAS A TRAILER PARK.

PEOPLE JUST LET ME BROWSETHROUGH THEIR HOMES.

( laughter )

IF YOU LIVE IN A TRAILER,GOD LOVE YOU.

THANKS FOR COMING OUTTONIGHT, I...

( laughter and applause )

IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU

WE WOULDN'T HAVEALL-STAR WRESTLING.

( groans )

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN TRAILER PEOPLEAND HOMELESS PEOPLE

ARE TRAILER PEOPLEHAVE PANELING.

NO, THAT'S...

( laughter )

I USED TO LIVE IN ONE,WHICH... WE HAD A CEILING FAN.

EVERY TIME WE TURNED IT ON,WE MOVED.

( laughter )

IT'S LIKE A BALSA WOODHOVERCRAFT.

( laughter )

THAT'S ALL MY TIME, FOLKS.

Loading...