Fred Stoller & Roger Rittenhouse

  • Season 1, Ep 54
  • 02/24/1992

Fred Stoller likes being able to say he's a college graduate but doesn't want to tell people how much he weighs.

SO I'M A LITTLE...

( laughter )

WOW! WHAT A BIG SHOWUNDER THE BIG TENT!

FIRST THEY HAD ME SPINNINGFROM THE CEILING WITH MY TEETH

GOING REALLY, REALLY FAST,AND I DIDN'T MIND.

NOT AT ALL--LOVED IT, ENJOYED IT.

THEY DROPPED ME ON A HORSEFROM ABOUT A HUNDRED FEET UP...

LANDED...

A LITTLE IRRITATING,A LITTLE CHAFED

BUT NOTHING SERIOUS.

( laughter )

RODE AROUND AT TOP SPEED

AND THEN THEY SHOT ME OUTOF DYAN CANNON... WOW!

( laughter )

ROB LOWE WAS THERE.

HE SANG "PROUD MARY"

WHILE RIDING ON THE BACKOF AN ELEPHANT.

IT WAS BRILLIANT.

HE WAS ACTUALLY DANCINGON THE BACK OF THE ELEPHANT

AND HE IS INCREDIBLE.

ROB HAS JUST, LIKE,EVOLVED AND EVOLVED.

( laughter )

MOLLY RINGWALDWAS FOUND MISSING.

THEY DIDN'T KNOWWHAT HAPPENED TO HER

UNTIL THE LION COUGHED UPA RED FUR BALL.

( laughter )

IT WAS HORRIBLE, IT ATE HER!

MOLLY...

( laughter )

THAT SWEET LITTLE THING.

BUT IT WASA FUN AFTERNOON, REALLY.

SO I'M A LITTLE SWEATY ANDA LITTLE HOT AND READY TO GO

BUT, YOU KNOW, WHO CARES?

I FEEL GOOD TONIGHT.

AND WHAT'SHAPPENING HERE?

ANYTHING I SHOULDKNOW ABOUT?

( laughter )

( laughs )

UM, YOU'LL FIND ME DOING THATTHIS EVENING AT DIFFERENT TIMES

JUST TO KEEP THE ENERGY UP

TO KEEP IT GOING, FLOWING,FEELING GOOD, YOU KNOW

THE ADRENALINE,IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

I JUST HAVE TO ADJUST MY CUFFS.

IT'S ONE OF THE MAGIC TRICKSI OFTEN PERFORM.

ADJUSTABLE CUFFS--WASN'T THAT BRILLIANT? TA-DA!

YES, THANK YOU.

( applause )

CONSIDERING LIVING IN L.A.IS PRETTY SCARY THESE DAYS

BUT I DON'T MISS NEW YORK.

THAT'S WHERE I'M FROM,THAT'S WORSE.

I GOT MY RELATIVES THERE.

DURING THE RIOTS, NONE OF THEMCALLED TO SEE HOW I WAS DOING.

ONE UNCLE CALLED,HE WAS CONCERNED.

HE SAID, "WHAT'D YOU GET?"

( laughter )

THAT DOESN'T COUNT.

MY FATHER, HE'S OUT OF IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S LIKE?

HE'S LIKE DUSTIN HOFFMANIN THE MOVIE RAIN MAN

EXCEPT HE'S NOT GOOD IN MATH.

( laughter )

MY FRIENDS, THEY'RE USELESS.

IF I HAVE A PROBLEM

THEY GIVE ME SOME STUPIDCLICHE EXPRESSION.

LIKE, I HAD A BAD DAY

MY FRIEND GOES,"TOMORROW'S ANOTHER DAY."

OH, THANKS, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

I WAS SO SCARED, YOU KNOW.

I SEE THE STORES CLOSING,THE SUN GOING DOWN

I THOUGHT THAT WAS IT.

( laughter )

YOU MEAN THERE'S MORE?

MY FRIENDS... OUT HERE IN L.A.

I GUESS YOU GOT TO BEINTO BODY BUILDING

WHICH I FINALLY HAD TO DO.

PEOPLE GO, "YOU'RE SO SKINNY."

YEAH, GOOD, LEAVE ME ALONE.

THEY GO, "HOW MUCHDO YOU WEIGH?"

WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL THEM?

SO THEY CAN GO, "OH, GOD"?

DO YOU GO TO SOMEONE WHO'S BALD

AND GO, "WHAT'STHE CIRCUMFERENCE OF YOUR HEAD?"

I'M NOT THAT GOOD, THOUGH

WHEN PEOPLE COME TO MEWITH THEIR WEIGHT PROBLEMS.

THIS GIRL, SHE GOES,"OH, MY LEGS ARE SO FAT."

I WENT, "NO, THEY'REIN PROPORTION TO YOUR ARMS."

( laughter )

DURING THE '60s, I WAS A LITTLEKID, SHE WAS A TEENAGER.

SHE WENT THROUGH A PHASE

WHERE SHE WOULD EXPERIMENTWITH DRUGS.

SHE'D TAKE A BUNCH OF PILLS,GO, "I WONDER WHAT THESE DO?"

AND SHE'D SHOVE THEMIN MY MOUTH.

( laughter )

MY MOTHER, SHE FREAKS OUTBECAUSE I QUIT COLLEGE.

SHE'S ALWAYS GOING,"WHEN WILL YOU GET YOUR DEGREE?"

I GO, "WHAT WILL IT DO FOR ME?"

SHE GOES, "YOU'LL BE ABLE TO SAYYOU'RE A COLLEGE GRADUATE."

WHAT, LIKE I'M NOT ABLETO SAY IT NOW?

( laughter )

WHAT, LIKE I TRY, I GO,"I'M A CACKY GAGUATE?"

( laughter )

"I'M A COLLEGE GAGAGUA."

( laughter )

"DAMN, FOUR CREDITS SHORT,I ALMOST HAD IT!"

( laughter )

ALSO, MY MOTHER HASTHIS EXPRESSION.

SHE ALWAYS GOES "AGAIN."

"AGAIN WITH THE TV ON.

"AGAIN WITH THE EATING.

AGAIN WITH THE FEETAT THE END OF THE LEGS."

WORST, I WAS STUCKON A CROSS-COUNTRY TRIP:

"AGAIN WITH THE FILLING UPFOR GAS."

I WAS EATING A HERSHEY BAR--

"AGAIN WITH EATINGBETWEEN MEALS.

THEY'RE GOING TO RUINYOUR APPETITE."

LIKE IT'S NEVER GOING TO WORK.

WHEN I'D BE GROWN UP:"I DON'T WANT TO EAT.

"AS A KID I ATE A HERSHEY BARAND THAT RUINED MY APPETITE.

I JUST GET FEDINTRAVENOUSLY NOW."

THE WAY SHE FREAKS OUT--SHE SEES ME EATING A HERSHEY BAR

SHE GOES, "WHERE DIDYOU GET THAT?"

WHERE DID I GET IT--LIKE I'M A JUNKIE.

( laughter )

AND MY CONNECTION SET ME UPIN MINNEAPOLIS.

( laughter )

I'M GOING TO BE IN SEATTLEIN FIVE HOURS.

YOU GOT SOME CHUNKIES?

AND SOME JUJYFRUITS?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT JUJYFRUITSARE, BY THE WAY?

THOSE CANDIES,THEY GET STUCK IN YOUR TEETH

TRY PULLING THEM OUT,THEY DON'T COME OUT.

YOU HAVE TO TAKEANOTHER JUJYFRUIT

AND SEND HIM INTO RESCUE THE OTHER GUY.

( laughter )

IT'S LIKE "COMMANDO JUJYFRUIT."

SOME OF YOU DO THAT--I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE AT THE BANK MACHINE.

DO YOU LOOK AT OTHER PEOPLE'SRECEIPTS AND COMPARE BALANCES?

"WELL, I'M DOING BETTERTHAN THIS GUY."

( laughter )

MAYBE YOU DO, MAYBE YOU DON'T.

WHO AM I TO JUDGE?

SEE, I DON'T CAREIF YOU DON'T LAUGH.

I DON'T NEED THIS FOR FUN.

I LIVE ON THE EDGE,THE NIGHT'S YOUNG FOR ME.

( laughter )

I'M GOING TO GO RENT A MOVIE.

AND I'M NOT GOING TO REWIND IT.

( laughter )

YOU CAN'T STOP ME.

DON'T EVEN TRY.

I DON'T CARE.

I WAS AT THE MALL TODAY,I WAS ON THE ESCALATOR

I LET GO OF THE HANDRAIL.

( laughter )

THEN I PUT MY ARMS UPIN THE AIR-- YEEE!

( laughter )

I'LL DO IT AGAIN.

I'M ON A RAMPAGE.

I AM SO IMPULSIVE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GOINGTO DO THESE THINGS, MAN.

I BOUGHT A PEN FOR 79 CENTS

I GAVE THE CASHIER 80 CENTS,I WALKED THE HELL AWAY.

( laughter )

YOU HEARD ME RIGHT.

ANYTIME A CASHIER SAYS,"HERE'S YOUR PENNY."

YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY TO HER?

I SAY, "YOU KEEP IT."

YEAH, I'LL SAY IT TO HER.

I'LL SAY IT RIGHT TO HER.

THAT'S KIND OF SEXIST, WHATI SAID-- THE CASHIER, "HER."

CASHIER DOESN'T HAVETO BE A WOMAN.

COULD BE A GAY GUY.

( laughter )

( clapping )

I SAID THAT.

I'M CONTROVERSIAL.

( laughter )

I'M LIKE GERALDO.

( laughter )

DON'T PROVOKE ME.

SHE GOES,"OH, I'M ON THE REBOUND.

"MY BOYFRIEND HURT ME.

I WANT TO HURT HIM, TOO,BUT I CAN'T."

SHE GOES, "JUST TO GET BACK,I MIGHT SLEEP WITH SOME GUY

BUT THAT WOULDN'T HURT HIM."

I SAID, "NO, MAYBE IT WILL."

( laughter )

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HAVEN'T HADSEX IN A REAL LONG TIME

WHEN YOU FINALLY GET ITIT'S SUCH A RELIEF?

THAT'S WHAT I'M HOPINGHAPPENS TO ME.

( laughter )

I CALLED THIS GIRL UP.

YOU EVER GET ITWHERE YOU KNOW THEY LIED

BUT YOU CAN'T ACCEPT IT?

I GO, "HI, IT'S FRED."

SHE GOES, "OH, FRED,I CAN'T TALK.

I'M GOING TO THE BANK,IT CLOSES IN TEN MINUTES."

SO I CALL HER UP IN 15 MINUTESIN A DIFFERENT VOICE:

"HI, IT'S THE BANK.

WHERE ARE YOU?"

( laughter )

YOU PEOPLE LOOK LIKEYOU'RE DOING...

LOOK AT THESEYOUNG, ATTRACTIVE...

A HOLIDAY'S COMING UP.

IN L.A., THE WEATHER'S THE SAME.

IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS,MEMORIAL DAY.

I HATE THESE THREE-DAY HOLIDAYS.

I DON'T WANT MONDAY OFFBECAUSE I DON'T WORK ANYWAY.

SOMEWHERE, THE STREETS ARE EMPTY

THEY'RE BARBECUING,LEAPING, HUGGING...

I'M WALKING THE STREET ALONEGOING, "IS THERE MAIL TODAY?"

( laughter )

"WHY ISN'T THERE MAIL?"

SEE, I THINK WE'D BEENJOYING THIS A LOT MORE

IF WE WERE JUST HANGINGAT A DENNY'S

AND I WAS SAYING THISAT THE END OF THE TABLE.

( clapping )

RIGHT?

THERE'D BE NO PRESSURE.

OH, THAT WAS UNEXPECTED.

BUT HERE, IMAGINE IF YOU TURNEDYOUR TABLES AND FACED ME.

( laughter )

NO, I'M DOING GOOD.

I WAS ON THE SHOW STAR SEARCHAND I WON, AND...

( smattering of applause )

THANK YOU.

AND THIS IS THE PRIZE, SO...

( laughter )

I'M HAVING MAYBE TOO MUCH FUN,THAT'S THE PROBLEM--

MAYBE TOO MUCH FUN.

AH, WOMEN-SCHMIMEN,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

I MET THIS GIRL LAST WEEKAND WE WENT BACK TO MY PLACE

AND ONE THING LED TO NOTHING.

SHE GOES, "NO SEX,WE'RE JUST GOING TO SLEEP.

WE'LL BE FRIENDS."

WHAT FRIENDS DO THAT?

I PLAYED BASKETBALLWITH MY FRIEND THE OTHER DAY

AND HE SAID,"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?"

LET'S TAKE A NAP TOGETHER.

( laughter )

I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, I THINKI'D BETTER GET GOING.

I... I HAVE MORE THRILLS TO DO.

NO, UM, I AM HAVING FUN.

JUST REMINDS ME OF THE NIGHTI GOT STABBED IN THE HEAD.

( laughter )

THOSE ARE REALLY CONNECTING.

IMAGINE, I TALK ABOUT MY MOTHERSO MUCH SHE BECOMES FAMOUS

THEY MAKE A DOLL OF HER.

YOU PULL THE STRING, IT GOES,"AGAIN WITH THE STRING."

THAT'S IT FOR ME,THANK YOU VERY MUCH.