Extended - Thursday, May 19, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 05/19/2016

Dan Soder, Joe DeRosa and Al Jackson make up prison magazine articles, #RuinAKidsShow and list rejected mutants from "X-Men: Apocalypse" in this extended, uncensored episode.

"THE WIRE" ISN'T JUST THAT SHOWABOUT BALTIMORE WITH OMAR IN IT

THAT YOU SAID YOU WATCHED SO YOUDIDN'T FEEL LEFT OUT.

IT'S ALSO THE OFFICIAL MAGAZINEOF GUANTANAMO BAY!

YES.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)GITMO HAS ANOTHER KIND OF MAG.

NOW TO READ "THE WIRE" MAGAZINE,YOU'D THINK GUANTANAMO BAY WAS A

TROPICAL SOFTBALL DESTINATIONFOR AMERICAN MILITARY PERSONNEL,

AND NOT, REPEAT NOT, A MODERNCONCENTRATION CAMP FILLED WITH

ALLEGED TERRORISTS IN ORANGEJUMPSUITS.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE ARKHAM ASYLUM,BUT WITH FEWER RIDDLERS AND MORE

BANANA RATS... RIGHT HERE.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)"EE, IT'S ME, BANANA RAT!

I'M A HORRIFYING CREATURE."

(LAUGHTER)"DEATH TO AMERICA!

I'M AT GITMO!"(LAUGHTER)

UH, BUT THERE'S SO MUCH TO DO INGUANTANAMO BAY, YOU GUYS.

THERE'S FLOATING BOUNCY CASTLES.

YAY!

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)AND FRISBEE GOLF.

THERE'S FRISBEE GOLF.

OH, LOOK AT ALL THAT FUN RIGHTTHERE!

WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?

WE GOT WATERBOARDING.

OH, AND HAM!

SUCCULENT HAM, YOU GUYS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

SO DELICIOUS.

>> I LOVE HAM.

>> HARDWICK: OH, I LOVE HAM.

MAN, I...

I MIGHT HAVE TO JOIN A TERRORISTCELL JUST SO I CAN GET SOME OF

THAT SWEET, SWEET HAM, YOU GUYS.

(LAUGHTER)JUST TO... JUST...

>> CHRIS, HAVE YOU EVER USED THEWORD "SUCCULENT" IN JUST CASUAL

CONVERSATION?

IS IT POSSIBLE?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, WHEN I'MTALKING ABOUT SUCCULENT HAM,

LIKE THIS NEXT PICTURE.

SUCCULENT HAMM.

>> OH.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE & CHEERING)>> YEAH!

>> YEAH!

>> HARDWICK: AND LOOK AT MYHAMM.

>> OF COURSE I...

>> OOH. OOH.

>> THAT'S A BOTTOM-LIP BITE.

>> HARDWICK: ISN'T IT?

OH, YOU HAVE A VERY SUCCULENTSWEATER ON TODAY.

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

ANYWAY...

>> IT LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSEBANANA RACKS SHOULD BE ON IT.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> FIRST OF ALL...

>> HARDWICK: THE MAN'S JUST CUT.

HE'S JUST RIPPED.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M BEINGATTACKED BY 22 JUMP STREET AND

SOMEBODY THAT SHOULD BEPROCTORING AN SAT EXAM.

(LAUGHTER)>> I THINK THAT'S GREAT.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: AND NICELY DUMB.

>> PENCILS DOWN!

PENCILS DOWN.

BUT JOE DOES LOOK LIKE HE WASWORKING ON A DIRT BIKE ALL DAY.

(LAUGHTER)>> AND YOU REALLY SOUND LIKE MY

DAD WITH THAT STUPID DEEP VOICEOF YOURS.

>> TIME TO GO TO BED, JOE.

>> HARDWICK: HEY.

>> THAT'S ENOUGH HORSEPLAY!

GET IN THE HOUSE!

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I'M HAVING OUR

BLACK FRIEND OVER.

DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HISSWEATER!

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

ANYWAY, SEEMS THE LAST THINGYOU'D WANT TO READ IF YOU WERE

IN PRISON IS A MAGAZINE ABOUT APRISON, BUT I THINK THIS COULD

SPREAD.

THIS COULD BE A TREND, YOU KNOW,ON THE MESS HALLS AND WATCH

TOWERS ACROSS THE LAND.

SO, WHAT'S AN ARTICLE YOU MIGHTREAD IN A PRISON MAGAZINE?

DAN, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> UH, HOW ABOUT "ESCAPEES--WHERE ARE THEY NOW?"

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

EXCELLENT.

JOE DEROSA.

>> HOW ABOUT "TEN WAYS TO USEYOUR BUTTHOLE-- IT'S NOT JUST

FOR RAPE ANYMORE."

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OH, JESUS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)AL JACKSON.

>> HOW ABOUT "WHAT GANG COLORSARE HOT THIS SUMMER?"

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. PERFECT.

FLORIDA'S OWN LITTLE KARATE KID,MARCO RUBIO, WAS THE, UH,

SUBJECT OF...

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)WAX ON, DROPOUT.

UH...

>> RALPH MACCHIO WAS 47 YEARSOLD WHEN...

>> HARDWICK: 47.

(LAUGHTER)HE'S 47.

>> UGH.

(LAUGHTER)HE WAS THE SUBJECT OF

ANONYMOUSLY-SOURCED "WASHINGTONPOST" ARTICLE CLAIMING HE'S

DIRECTIONLESS SINCE DROPPING OUTOF THE RACE.

WELL, THAT SENT THE LITTLEBUGGER ON A BIZARRE TWITTER

TIRADE ABOUT HIS WORKOUT HABITS.

READS, "A "LONGTIME FRIEND" SAYSRUBIO IS "BETWIXT AND BETWEEN

WHEN IT COMES TO WHETHER TO DOCHEST OR LEGS TOMORROW AT THE

GYM.""AND "ACCORDING THE SOURCES WHO

KNOWS HIS COUSIN'S WIFE'SDENTIST, RUBIO COULD DO CARDIO

INSTEAD.""OH, HO, HO.

(LAUGHTER)OH, WHAT A TAKEDOWN!

WHATEVER HIS WORKOUT HABITS ARE,THEY ARE REALLY PAYING OFF,

'CAUSE A SHIRTLESS PICTURE OFMARCO SHOWED UP ON A BILLBOARD

IN ALABAMA THIS WEEK, AND ITLOOKS DELICIOUS.

COMEDIANS, WHAT'S MARCO DOINGSHIRTLESS ON A BILLBOARD IN

ALABAMA?

A: BREASTFEEDING A KITTEN FORTHE ASPCA?

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)B: FELLATING A DICKSICLE AT A

SPANISH GAY PRIDE FESTIVAL?

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)C: POSING WITH KID ROCK FOR

FISHING LICENSE AWARENESS MONTH?

(LAUGHTER)JOE.

>> UH, I'M GONNA GO WITH "B"JUST 'CAUSE I REALLY WANT TO

HEAR SOMEBODY SAY "FELLATING ADICKSICLE" AGAIN.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS B:FELLATING A DICKSICLE AT A

SPANISH GAY PRIDE FESTIVAL.

TAKE A LOOK.

THERE IT IS.

>> OH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: JACK! ENHANCE!

THERE IT IS.

>> YEAH!

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: THERE IT IS.

>> I LIKE THAT HE... I LIKE THATHE'S GIVING IT, LIKE, A LITTLE

KISS, TOO.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> LIKE... LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO GOTO WORK ON IT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: AS A WHITE GUY, I

DIDN'T KNOW THESE THINGS GOTTHAT BIG.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)>> I'M TELLING YOU, CHRIS, IT'S

PICTURES LIKE THAT IS THE REASONWHY JOE DOESN'T GO TO THE GYM.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: THIS PHOTOSHOP WASHACKED ONTO AN ELECTRONIC

BILLBOARD BY SOMEONE ON TWITTERGOING BY THE NAME

COCKRINGJOHNNY, SURPRISINGLY.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)CHILDHOOD IS FILLED WITH

TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES, LIKEFALLING OFF THINGS AND GETTING

LOST AND REALIZING THAT THEREASON YOU EXIST IS BECAUSE YOUR

MOM WOULDN'T TAKE IT IN THE CANTHAT ONE TIME, BUT...

(AUDIENCE GROANS)OH, NOT SO EXCITED ANYMORE, ARE

YOU?

(LAUGHTER)BUT ONE TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE

'80S KIDS CAN RELATE TO ISWATCHING ANIMATED MOVIES WHERE

ANIMALS GET SCARED AND DIE.

LIKE WATERSHIP DOWN.

YOU GUYS REMEMBER WATERSHIPDOWN?

THIS KIDS' MOVIE?

THIS POSTER WITH RABBITS CAUGHTIN A SNARE, SHOUTING, "THIS WILL

SCAR YOU FOR LIFE!"(LAUGHTER)

WELL, NOW NETFLIX AND THE BBCARE MAKING A WATERSHIP DOWN

MINISERIES TO TRAUMATIZE A WHOLENEW GENERATION OF INNOCENT

CHILDREN.

I CAN'T THINK OF A WORSE IDEA,SO I WOULD LIKE YOU TO COME UP

WITH AS MANY HORRIBLE CHILDREN'SSHOWS AS YOU CAN, WITH TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG #RUINAKIDSSHOW.

#RUINAKIDSSHOW.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE...

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)THIS, OF COURSE, BEING THOMAS

THE DANK ENGINE... OR... OR...

(LAUGHTER)>> IT'S A TRAIN THAT'S ALWAYS

LATE.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S ALWAYS LATE,MAN.

YEAH! HERE COMES THE 4:20!

(LAUGHTER)AT 7:35!

>> RELAX, BRO, WE'LL GET THERE,MAN!

>> HARDWICK: COME ON, MAN!

GET OFF MY BACK ALL THE TRAIN.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE MIGHT BE:POWER BOTTOM RANGERS.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS...

(LAUGHTER, SHOUTING, APPLAUSE)YOU'RE VERY EXCITED ABOUT THAT

ONE.

>> THAT GUY'S WITH IT.

HE'S WITH IT.

>> HARDWICK: I'M GONNA PUT 60SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, AND BEGIN.

DAN.

>> SESAME STREETWALKERS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

AL.

>> MICKEY MOUSE TRAP HOUSE.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)JOE.

>> DORA THE SQUIRTER.

(LAUGHTER, GROANING, WHOOPING)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: DIOS MIO!

THERE'S SOME KIND OF AGUAEVERYWHERE!

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

AL.

>> TRUMP'S ELECTED.

DIEGO, YOU GOT TO GO.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH! POINTS.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)DAN.

>> RUB N TUG RATS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

JOE.

>> JOSIE AND THE PUSSY HOUNDS.

(AUDIENCE SHOUTING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. AL.

>> CHARLIE BROWN SHOWER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)UH, DAN.

>> HOW ABOUT DEXTER'S EUGENICSLABORATORY.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

JOE.

>> UH, READING RAIN MAN,DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

X-MEN: APOCALYPSE IS IN THEATERSNEXT WEEK, AND I COULD NOT BE

MORE EXCITED.

HERE'S SOME PICTURES OF ME...

I KNOW.

I GOT TO FUCK AROUND WITH SOMEOF THEIR STUFF HERE.

I GOT TO PLAY WITH SOME OF THEIRSTUFF.

UH, THERE'S ME. THIS IS MAGNETODOING HIS LAUNDRY.

THIS IS MAGNETO DOING HISLAUNDRY.

"UH, TECHNICALLY, CHRIS,QUARTERS DO NOT POSSESS THE

METAL THAT MAGNETO WOULD BE ABLETO..."

FUCK YOU! I KNOW!

IT'S JUST A PHOTOSHOP!

I MEAN IT'S A REAL THING THATHAPPENED.

UH, IF YOU'RE AS EXCITED AS METO HAVE YOUR BRAINS EXPLODED

WITH MUTANT GOODNESS, I HAVESOME GREAT NEWS.

WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU A CLIP FROMTHE MOVIE.

KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN!

♪ AW.

SPLOOSH!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)ALL RIGHT. THE MOVIE IS CRAMMED

TO THE DANGER ROOM WITH AWESOMEMUTANTS LIKE MAGNETO AND STORM

AND MYSTIQUE.

BUT I'M SURE THERE WERE LESSAWESOME MUTANTS WHO WERE LEFT ON

THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR, LIKEEDITO, THE MUTANT WHO'S MADE OUT

OF A CUTTING ROOM FLOOR.

(CHUCKLING)YOU KNOW, I GOT TO BE HONEST, I

DIDN'T THINK THE JOKE WAS GONNALAND EVEN THAT MUCH.

UH... MOVING ON.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO GIVE MEAS MANY REJECTED X-MEN MUTANTS

AS POSSIBLE IN 60 SECONDS.

AND BEGIN. DAN.

>> NOONCRAWLER.

>> HARDWICK: "OH, IT WAS A ROUGHNIGHT LAST NIGHT."

POINTS. JOE.

>> VANILLA ICEMAN.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

JOE.

>> VULVA-RINE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. AL.

>> PROFESSOR DMX.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

DAN.

>> THE SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

"I'M OFFENDED THAT YOU EVENSUGGESTED THAT!

TO THE INTERNET!"AL.

>> X-RAY CHARLES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT ONTV, AND I DID IT.

>> HARDWICK: YOU DID IT.

>> I WON. I SAID IT ON TV.

I-I'LL TAKE IT.

GIVE ME YOUR GROANS.

(LAUGHS)