CC Presents: Rebecca Corry

  • Season 13, Ep 12
  • 02/13/2009

I DON'T LIKE, LIKE, GUYSTHAT HAVE TOO MANY TATTOOS

OR DRINK A LOT.

I LIKE GUYSWHO MIGHT COMMIT A FELONY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THERE'S SOMETHINGABOUT SLEEPING WITH ONE EYE OPEN

THAT TURNS ME ON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

I TRY TO DATE.I'M SINGLE.

FELLAS, STAY IN YOUR SEATS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AH.

USUALLY, PEOPLE RUSH.

OHH.

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO SAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I TRY TO GO OUT THERE AND DATE,BUT I'M JUST A BAD DATER.

AND I'M HONESTLY NOT SHY,BUT WHEN I GO ON DATES,

I GET REALLY NERVOUS,AND DATES ALWAYS INVOLVE FOOD,

AND WHEN I'M NERVOUS,I EAT FAST.

AND WHEN I EAT FAST,I THROW UP IN MY MOUTH.

[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]

I KNOW.THAT IS SO HARD TO COVER UP.

NO WAY!YOU HAVE TWO SISTERS, TOO?

OH, MY GOD, ME TOO.[ LAUGHS ]

[ GAGS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

I AM -- I'M TRYING TO FINDSOMEBODY WHO'S --

IT'S HARD TO FINDGOOD-QUALITY PEOPLE.

I'M TRYING TO FIND SOMEONEEXACTLY LIKE JESUS.

AND THAT IS SO HARD TO FIND.

WOULDN'T IT BE AMAZINGDATING SOMEONE LIKE JESUS,

OR EVEN DATING JESUS?

I MEAN,IF YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG,

HE'S DEFINITELYGONNA FORGIVE YOU.

THERE'S A GOOD CHANCEHE'S GONNA DIE FOR YOU.

AND HE HANGS OUTWITH THOSE 12 HOT FRIENDS,

AND THEY ALL HANG OUTWITH HOOKERS AND PROSTITUTES --

MY PEOPLE.

YOU IMAGINE GOING TO A PARTY

WITH JESUSAND HIS 12 HOT FRIENDS,

AND THEY'RE OUT OF BOOZE?

YOU JUST BUST INTO THE KITCHENAND GO OVER TO THE SINK,

AND JESUS TURNS WATER INTO WINE'CAUSE HE'S JESUS.

HE CAN DO IT.HE'S JESUS.

GETTING HAMMERED WITH JESUS.

THAT SHOULD BE A GROUP.

THAT SHOULD BE A SONG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT I AM SINGLE --

UGH! --AND I'M OKAY WITH IT.

UM, IT'S JUST THAT MY FRIENDS,THEY ALL HAVE KIDS, YOU KNOW.

I'M IN MY EARLY, LIKE, 30s,

AND MY FRIENDS ALL HAVE KIDSAND EVERYTHING.

AND THEY THINK SINGLE LIFEIS JUST SO UNBELIEVABLE,

LIKE EVERY NIGHT, I'M INCLEAR HEELS WITH A TUBE TOP ON

AND GLITTER ON MY FACE,JUST LIKE...

[ IMITATES TECHNO BEAT ]

THAT IS NOT WHAT IT'S LIKE,YOU GUYS.

IF I HAVE NOT CRIED MYSELFTO SLEEP BY 9:00,

IT'S BECAUSE I'M UPHAVING A PANIC ATTACK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M GLAD YOU THINKTHAT'S FUNNY, SIR.

BECAUSE I'M SINGLE, I'M THE GIRLTHAT GETS INVITED TO THINGS,

AND I GOT INVITEDTO A BABY SHOWER.

BABY SHOWERS ARE RIDICULOUS.

YOU HAD UNPROTECTED SEX,AND NOW I GOT TO BUY YOU A GIFT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I MEAN...

[ APPLAUSE ]

I'VE BEEN HAVING UNPROTECTED SEXMY ENTIRE LIFE, YOU GUYS.

THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER GOTTENWAS HURT FEELINGS.

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