Tuesday, May 3, 2016

  • 05/03/2016

Josh Gondelman, Randy Liedtke and Kyle Kinane predict the plotlines for the "Space Jam" sequel, send raunchy texts to a spider and make up #StarWarsSongs.

Great news, '90s kids!

There's gonna be a Space Jam 2!

(cheers and applause)

I know. I know.

-I mean...-Yeah.

Yeah.

Now you don't have to go to theoriginal Space Jam Web site,

-which is still up, and go,"When?!" -(laughter)

The classic

Looney Tunes basketball movieis getting a sequel.

A whole new generation of kidscan know what it's like

to have their sexual awakeningsparked by a cartoon bunny.

(laughter)

Side note-- whatever you do,

please do not search"Lola Bunny" and "Rule 34"

-unless you want to see...-Oh!

...unless you want to Porky Pighave the best day of his life.

(laughter)

The film will reportedly starLeBron James,

who's a very nice man.

I'm working on another showwith him currently.

It will helmed by Fast & Furious director Justin Lin,

'cause if you're gonna makea movie like Space Jam,

you need a director

who's gonna break allthe (bleep) laws of gravity

and physics and make it awesome!

So comedians, what's somethingyou think will happen

in the Space Jam sequel?

Kyle Kinane,let's start with you.

Shaquille O'Neal appears

as Vin Diesel'slong lost genie twin.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: All right.

I would just watch thatas a movie.

-KINANE: Yeah.-(applause)

-Uh, Josh.-Oh. ESPN reports

that one of the Monstars,during the playoffs,

has been (bleep) LeBron's mom.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Oh...

(cheers and applause)

No.

Unsubstantiated.

Randy Liedtke.

LeBron immediately connectswith Elmer Fudd

over their receding hairlines.

-HARDWICK: All right.-(laughter)

(applause)

I don't support any of this.

LeBron is a good man,he works hard,

and he is also technicallymy boss on another show,

so (bleep) all of you.

Everybody knows spiders loveto (bleep), but scientists...

Oh, you didn't...?You're about to learn something.

(laughter)

You're about to learn something

that is gonna changeyour world view.

I am not joking.

Scientists found out

that also likea little foreplay.

In this case, eight play,after observing oral sex

between two Darwin'sbark .

Now, uh, the female is 14 timesheavier than the male,

and that is a beautiful thing

'cause real have curves, yo,

-and they...-(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

They love it when their tiny mengo way downtown.

(laughter)

Roll that clip.

-WOMAN: You are kidding me!-MAN: Yeah!

HARDWICK: I mean...I love that we had to block...

(laughs)

It's because...it's because spider dicks

-look just like human dicks.-No, no, no, no, no.

-No. He's going down on her. -Oh, okay.

-Yeah.-It's a spi-gina.

-HARDWICK: Yeah.-(laughter)

(applause)

Hundred pointsto Josh Gondelman for that.

So it would be Spuninlingus.

-There it is.-(laughter, whooping, applause)

Well...

-Man! -I'm afraidthat's all the time we have

for @midnight.

Kyle just wonthe whole (bleep) series.

-(laughter) -A hundred pointsfor Spuninlingus.

(speaking indistinctly,laughing)

Please send me a booty call...

please send me a booty call textfrom your Spider Bay.

-Randy.-Hey! Want to have spider sex?

Just bought some spider condoms,"webbed for her pleasure."

-Oh, nice. Points. Points.-(laughter, applause)

Good.

-Josh. -Once you go black widow,you never go back widow.

-Yes, points. Points.-(laughter, applause, whooping)

You guys, this is whatPeter Parker jerks off to.

-Come on.-(laughter)

Oh, yeah, get in there!

Oh, I'm gonna go!

-Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip.-(laughter)

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

Well...

it is after midnight,which means it is now officially

and technically Star Wars Day!

-(cheering, applause)-And let me...

let me bethe first person on television

to say,"May the Fourth be with you!"

Now, last year on Star Wars Day,

I met the famousMos Eisley cantina band,

Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes.

-(whooping) -Uh, I usedto be their lead singer

until I went solo. Hey-yo.

Uh... we're gonna come upwith some jams

from a long time agoin a galaxy far, far away

with tonight's hashtag#StarWarsSongs.

Examples might be:"Wind Beneath My X-Wing,"

and "Get Out of My Dreams,Get Into My Carbonite."

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Randy.-"Yoda One That I Want."

-Points!-(laughter, applause)

Oh, that's... fantastic.

Points. Josh.

-"Hoth-line Bling."-Yes, points. Kyle.

"Like a Virgin."

HARDWICK:Oh, goddamn it.

No points.

-(laughter)-I take that personally!

I've touched a lady.

Uh... Randy.

Uh, "Trap Queen Amidala"

-by Boba Fetty Wap.-Points! Very good!

Kyle Kinane.

"Have You EverReally Loved a Woman?"

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Goddamn it.

(bleep)

Son of a bitch.

I'll give you points,but I don't like it. Randy.

"Obi-Wan Isthe Loneliest Number."

-(laughter)-Points.

-Josh.-"Nothing Compares R2-D2 You."

-Yes, points!-(cheering)

Kyle.

"Dancing With Myself."

-HARDWICK: Goddamn it! Points.-(laughter)

-Josh.-"Mo Money Mo Tauntauns."

-Points!-(laughter)

Randy.

"R2-D2 Princes"

by Kylo Ren Doctor.

-Nice! Very well done! Points.-(laughter)

Kyle Kinane.

"All the Single Ladies."

HARDWICK:Goddamn it!

Your words are like knives,Kyle Kinane.