Wednesday, July 22, 2015

  • 07/22/2015

Ashley Williams, Adam Goldberg and Jade Catta-Preta hit on politicians, check out #SharkMovies and list birthday presents for Prince George.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'S

INTERNET HEADLINES, THIS IS"RAPID REFRESH."

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: SO DELIGHTED THIS IS

A THING. THE NEW WEBSITE, SEXYCONGRESS

LETS YOU EVALUATE THE HOTNESSOF OUR ELECTED OFFICIALS AND

VOTE YEA OR NAY ON THEIRBONE-ABILITY.

TOP OF THE LIST FOR BABES ANDHUNKS, RESPECTIVELY, ARE

HAWAII REPRESENTATIVE TULSIGABBARD AND NEW MEXICO

SENATOR MARTIN HEINRICH. >>I WOULD DO THEM BOTH.

DIRECT DEMOCRACY?

MORE LIKE ERECT DEMOCRACY.

I'M GOING TO FILI-BUST IN MYPANTS.

OF COURSE THE BOTTOM OF THERANKINGS ARE REAL UGGOS, LIKE

REPRESENTATIVE FRANKENSTEIN'SMONSTER AND SENATOR SALACIOUS

CRUMB.

SO, COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE ME ACONGRESSIONAL PICK UP LINE.

ADAM GOLDBERG.

>> I'M AN INDEPENDENT BUT

MAYBE YOU WOULD LIKE TO ATTENDMY CAUCUS WITH YOUR MOUTH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> DIRTY.

THAT WAS DIRTY.

>> Chris: JADE, DO YOU WANT TOJUMP IN?

>> FIRST OFF, I THINK THIS ISWRONG.

POLITICS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITHLOOKS.

BUT I THINK WE SHOULD ADD A 69THAMENDMENT.

>> Chris: I THOUGHT YOU WEREABOUT TO DO THIS.

>> THAT'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

MORE LIKE THAT.

>> Chris: POLITICS.

>> I'LL VOTE.

Chris: GOOD NEWS, KIND OF.

DR. SEUSS' WIDOW AND ANASSISTANT WERE WRITINGFOUND

THROUGH THE LEGENDARY WRITER'SOLD STUFF AND FOUND SOME LOOSE

DRAWINGS AND A PARTIALLYCOMPLETED MANUSCRIPT

SO THEY THROUGH THEM IN AGROOBITY-GROOBITY MONEY-MAKING

MACHINE AND OUT CAME A BRAND NEWDR. SEUSS BOOK.

IT'S BEEN A BIG COUPLE OF WEEKSOR OLD AUTHORS. THE STILL-ALIVE

HARPER LEE RELEASED A "TO KILL AMOCKINGBIRD" SEQUEL,

"GO SET A WATCHMAN," WHICH HASALREADY SOLD OVER A MILLION

COPIES, REVEALS THAT ATTICUSFINCH IS ACTUALLY

KIND OF A RACIST.

WHO KNEW? I MEAN, BESIDES HARPERLEE, WHO WROTE IT.

COMEDIANS, WITH THAT IN MIND,WHAT ARE SOME DISAPPOINTING

REVELATIONS ABOUT BELOVEDDR. SEUSS CHARACTERS WE CAN

EXPECT IN HIS NEW BOOK?

>> CINDY LOU WHO HAD HORRIBLEIBS.

SHE COULDN'T EVEN MAKE IT TOSCHOOL WITHOUT THE BUS PULLING

OVER, STREAMING DIARRHEA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JADE.

>> THE BLUE FISH HATED THE JEWFISH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ASHLEY.

>> AFTER YOU'RE DONE WITH THEGREEN EGGS AND HAM, SAM-I-AM

WOULD LIKE TO YOU TRY HIS BALLS.

>> NOTHING RACIST ABOUT IT, JUSTSEXUAL.

>> Chris: IT DOESN'T RHYME.

>> IT DOESN'T NEED TO.

EVERYTHING RHYMES WITH BALLS,SILLY.

AND DOVETAIL INTO"#HASHTAGWARS."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> OKAY, HOLD ON.

>> GET READY.

Chris: WHAT DO TARA REID,FRANKIE MUNIZ AND DAVID

HASSELHOFF ALL HAVE IN COMMONBESIDES THE FACT THAT

I [BEEP]ED ALL OF THEM.

>> OH.

Chris: KIDDING. TOTALLY KIDDING.

MALCOLM WAS IN THE MIDDLE.

>> WHAT IS HAPPENING?

>> A BUNCH OF US [BEEP] MUNIZ.

IT WAS A WEIRD NIGHT.

>> I DON'T THINK I WAS THERE.

Chris: THEY'RE ALL IN"SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO."

PREMIERING TONIGHT ON SYFY.

HERE IS THE TRAILER.

♪♪

>> GOD BLESS AMERICA.

>> "SHARKNADO 3".

>> IT LOOKS GREAT.

I TOTALLY WANT TO SEE THAT.

>> IT LOOKS FUN.

Chris: I HOPE THEY DIDN'TDEVIATE TOO MUCH FROM THE BOOK.

IN HONOR OF THIS CINEMATICTRIUMPH, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#SHARKMOVIES. EXAMPLES MIGHT BE"WHEN HARRY ATE SALLY,"

"GONE WITH THE FIN," OR "CHOMPTHE YARD."

60 SECONDS. LET'S BEGIN.

>> SHARK WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S

Chris: ASHLEY.

>> MILLION DOLLAR ARMLESS.

>> JAWS BREAKER.

>> NEVER BEEN BITTEN.

>> THE HILLS HAVE PROTECTEDMEMBRANES OVER THEIR EYES.

>> THE FAULT IN OUR JAWS.

>> 500 DAYS OF CHUMMER.

Chris: SO GOOD.

POINTS.

>> ZERO SHARK THIRTY.

>> CITY OF COD.

>> ALICE DOESN'T LIVE HEREANYMORE BECAUSE SHE WAS EATEN

BY A SHARK.

>> IT SWALLOWS

Chris: POINTS.

>> THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

BECAUSE I'M A [BEEP]ING SHARK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> PAUL SHARK: MALL SHARK.

Chris: I WOULD WATCH THE[BEEP] OUT OF THAT.

I WOULD WATCH THE [BEEP] OUT OFTHAT.

>> GREAT.

Chris: POINTS.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY MOSTGOODTIMES WITH TRANSLATIONS

OF FILMS FROM FOREIGNS. I'M NOTSAYING THAT A SECOND TIME.

WHEN AN ENGLISH-LANGUAGE MOVIE'SRELEASED IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY,

SOMETIMES ITS TITLE CAN'T BEDIRECTLY TRANSLATED, SO IT'S

CHANGED TO BETTER REFLECT ITSMEANING FOR THEIR CULTURE.

FOR EXAMPLE, THERE'S NOCOMPARABLE PHRASE TO

"LOST IN TRANSLATION" IN SPANISHSO IT WAS CHANGED TO

"LOST IN TOKYO."

THE TITLE "LOST IN TRANSLATION"WAS LITERALLY LOST IN

TRANSLATION. USUALLY, THETRANSLATION SOUNDS LIKE THEY

ROUNDED UP A BUNCH OF SLOVAKIANLANDLORDS AND MADE THEM READ

BJORK LYRICS ON A TILT-A-WHIRL.COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU

A MOVIE WITH ITS ZANY ENGLISHTITLE, AND FOR 250 POINTS,

I WANT YOU TO GUESS WHAT THE TAGLINE WOULD BE HERE.

FIRST UP, JEWISH CONNECTION.

>> THAT SHOULD BE MINE.

>> YES!

Chris: JEWISH CONNECTION.

>> IT'S LIKE "YOU GOT MAIL" BUTWHO GOES TO THE POST OFFICE

ANYMORE? THE LINES ARE LONG,

THE PRICES, YOU CAN NEVER FINDPARKING.

>> Chris: POINTS FOR ALL OFTHAT.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: ADAM.

>> JEWISH CONNECTION: THE ADAMGOLDBERG STORY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT UP.

SHART THE CHALLENGE.

SHART THE CHALLENGE.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: YES, ASHLEY.

>> THE STORY OF ONE MAN WHOGAMBLED ON A FART.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

JADE.

>> YOU WILL NEVER EXPECT THESURPRISE ENDING.

NOT A DRY SEAT IN THE HOUSE.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: LAST ONE.

MAYBE EVEN BETTER.

FULL OF NUTS.

>> VINCE VAUGHN AND BEN STILLERARE FULL OF NUTS .

A TRUEUNDERDOG STORY.

ASHLEY.

>> NOT THE MOVIE THOUGHT YOUWERE ORDERING ON PAY-PER-VIEW.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: YA, WHAT A RIP.

I WAS ONLY ABLE TO JERK OFFTWICE.

>> ONE FOR EACH OF THEM.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME.

PHOTOBOMBS: CREEPY OR CUTE?

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES. AND IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT,

IT WILL SOON BE ONE OF YOURFAVORITES. PHOTOBOMBS CAN GO

ONE OF TWO WAYS: THEY CAN GOCREEPY OR CUTE.

WELL I GUESS THEY CAN GO CREEPY,CUTE OR KEANU.

"CAN ONE OF YOU NINJA TURTLESGIVE ME A RIDE?"

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU APHOTOBOMB THAT, UNFORTUNATELY,

DOES NOT INCLUDE KEANU. AND FOR250 POINTS, YOU ARE GOING TO

GUESS IF IT'S CREEPY OR CUTE.

FIRST ONE.

THESE FUN SUMMER LADIES.

WHAT IS BACK THERE? IT'SPROBABLY GREAT. JADE.

>> I THINK IT'S DEFINITELYCREEPY.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> NO PANTS?

Chris: YA, IT IS.

>> IT WAS CREEPY.

>> HE'S ACTUALLY MARRIED TO ALLOF THOSE WOMEN.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

THIS STERN SCULPTURE, CREEPY ORCUTE?

>> GOT TO BE CREEPY. HE'SSITTING IN A SITTING POSITION.

I'M NERVOUS WHERE THIS IS GOING.

>> CUTE.

Chris: LET'S SEE.

OH.

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

>> IT'S BOTH.

>> THAT'S CREEPY.

Chris: WHY IS IT CREEPY? BECAUSETHEY'RE TWO BOY RABBITS?

>> IT'S JUST LOVE.

Chris: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH GAY RABBITS?WHY DO YOU HATE GAY RABBITS?

>> THIS IS AMERICA.

>> I WAS LOOKING AT THE STATUE.

>> LEAVE HER ALONE.

Chris: ASHLEY, THIS ISBEAUTIFUL.

>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL, YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> THAT CHICKEN IS SO LONELY INTHE BACKGROUND.

>> I DIDN'T SEE THE CHICKEN.

Chris: I DIDN'T SEE THECHICKEN.

AMAZING.

>> HE KEEPS TURNING UP HIS NOSE.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

NEXT ONE.

THIS PROM COUPLE.

CREEPY OR CUTE?

>> THIS HAS TO BE A CREEPY OLDDAD OR SOMETHING.

>> Chris: SOMETHING?

>> A MIRROR.

Chris: THESE TWO KIDS TOGETHERREADY FOR THEIR FIRST DATE.

>> I'M GOING CREEPY.

Chris: WHAT COULD BE WEIRDABOUT THIS? OH, YES.

>> CREEPY.

>> BECAUSE LOSING YOUR VIRGINITYIS KIND OF LIKE GOING TO WAR.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: I CAN'T TELL WHO HE'S

RELATED TO.

I CAN'T TELL IF IT'S -->> THE TWO ON THE ENDS ARE

TOGETHER?

[LAUGHING]>> HE HAS BEEN HIRED FOR THE

NIGHT.

>> Chris: THIS MOM AND TOT:CREEPY OR CUTE?

>> THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLYCREEPY I FEEL IT.

THE BABY FEELS IT.

>> Chris: I THINK BOTH.

>> OH.

LOOK AT THAT SIDE BOOB.

LOOK AT THE SIDE BOOB!

OH!

>> WE SHOULD PUT SIDE BOOB INPICTURE.

>> SIDE BOOB OR SIDE HANDLE.

>> SIDE HANDLE.

WHAT'S HE HAVING? A MARGARITA?

>> SOMETHING BITTER, I'M SURE.

THE LITTLE PRINCE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: IF YOU WERE UP THISMORNING YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED A

SUDDEN CHILL IN THE AIR AND AGREEN LIGHT ON THE EASTERN

HORIZON.

THAT'S BECAUSE PRINCE GEORGETURNED TWO YEARS OLD TODAY.

ONE YEAR CLOSER TO SUPREME RULEAND CLOAKING THE EARTH IN

DARKNESS.

HERE HE IS IN A BATTLE BLOUSEAND BEARING HIS BRAND NEW FANGS.

UNTIL NOW, BRITISH TAXPAYERSHAVE PROVIDED LITTLE GEORGE

EVERYTHING HE NEEDS TOMAINTAIN HIS BLOOD-BORN RIGHT

TO RULE THEM ALL, BUT I'M SURETHEY MISSED SOMETHING.

SO, COMEDIANS,

WHAT ARE GIFTS TO BESTOW ONTHIS INSANELY RICH 2-YEAR-OLD

WHO HAS EVERYTHING? LET'S PUT 60SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

ASHLEY.

>> JUST ONE NIGHT WITH DORA THEEXPLORER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> A [BEEP] CROWN FOR HIS [BEEP]HEAD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> DIRECT SUNLIGHT.

Chris: POINTS.

>> BABY WIPES, MOISTENED WITHPEASANT TEARS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> A BOUNCY ACTUAL CASTLE.

>> A CURE FOR HEMOPHILIA.

>> A KILO OF PURE COCAINE.

>> A SWIFFER TO DUST HISGRANDMOTHER.

>> Chris: JADE.

>> HIS FORESKIN BACK.