Comedy Central Presents
Season 10

CC Presents: Bill Santiago

  • Season 10, Ep 22
  • 05/04/2006

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

NEW YORK, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. MUCHISIMAS GRACIAS.

POR ESTAR AQUI TODOS MIS FAN POR WACHEAR SHOW.

OH, I LOVE IT.I'M GETTING A GOOD FEELING.

I WAS BACK THERE LISTENING.I'M GONNA JUST ASSUME

EVERYONE HERE TONIGHT--JUST TO MAKE THINGS EASIER,IS EITHER LATINO OR--

LATINO CURIOUS.YES. IF I'M WRONG ON THAT,

JUST LET ME KNOW.AND THAT'S GOOD FOR ME.

'CAUSE SOMETIMES I CAN'T TELLRIGHT UP FRONT AND I GOTTA ASK.

ONE TIME, I COME OUT. I GO,"ANYBODY HERE SPEAK SPANISH?"

GUY IN THE FRONT ROW SAYS,"NO, THANK GOD."

[LAUGHTER]

NORMALLY I CAN ROLL WITH THAT.I HAD NOTHING. I'M STARING AT--

"THANK GOD? THANK GOD? REALLY?"

BUT IN THAT MOMENT, I PICTUREDHIM GETTING TO HEAVEN.

AND THERE'S ASIGN ON THE GATE SAYS, "SE HABLA ESPANOL."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT,THAT KIND OF MENTALITY.

YOU CAN'T GOANYWHERE IN THIS COUNTRYWITHOUT HEARING A LITTLE

- SPANISH OR SPANGLISH.- Audience: YEAH!

YOU CAN'T GO ANYWHEREIN THIS COUNTRY WITHOUTHEARING A LITTLE SPANGLISH.

- ATENCION, K-MART SHOPPERS.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW CAN YOU NOTLOVE THE SPANGLISH? I LOVE IT.

TWICE THE VOCABULARY,HALF THE GRAMMAR.

IT'S MADE FOR THIS COUNTRY.AND NEW YORK CITY,

THIS IS THE CAPITALOF SPANGLISH RIGHT HERE.

- YOU'RE GONNA HEAR--- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M IN TIMES SQUARE,RIGHT HERE AROUND THE CORNER.SO CUTE, IN A TOY STORE,

A LITTLE GIRLTALKING TO HER MOM,

"MAMI, COMPRAMENDO POR FAVOR! QUE ESTA ON SALE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND SHE'S LIKE, KA DE HE QUE NO!"

"WHY? COMO QUE WHY?" "PORQUE BECAUSE."

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]- ISN'T THAT FUNNY?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,ONCE YOU TUNE IN THAT

SPANGLISH FREQUENCY,YOU HEAR IT EVERY WHERE,

YOU'LL NEVER STOPHEARING IT AGAIN.

I'M LISTENINGTO A BASEBALL GAME.

AMERICA'S OFFICIAL PAST TIME.I CAN'T TELL ANYMORE

IF IT'S ON AN ENGLISHOR A SPANISH RADIO STATION.

I CAN'T DISTINGUISH.ON SPANISH I'LL HEAR,

"LA SA GUNA DOUBLE PLAY, HAY DOS OUTS,

DOS ES STRICKS, UNA BOLA"...

- [LAUGHTER]- I SWITCH TO ENGLISH.

AND ALEX RODRIGUEZ SAYS ADIOSTO LA PELOTAH.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]- YOU HEAR IT EVERYWHERE.

YOU HEAR A LOT OF SPANISH.WE DON'T EVEN WAIT FOR A WORDTO BECOME FULL ON ENGLISH

BEFORE WE TURN ITRIGHT INTO SPANGLISH.

WE CAN'T WAIT.WE'RE SO ANXIOUS ABOUT IT.

LIKE GOOGLE. YO GOOGLEO, TU GOOGLEAS...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOSTOROS GOOGLEAMOS.

LIKE YOU WERE BORNTO CONJUGATE ENGLISHINTO SPANISH. YOU KNOW?

SOMETIMES JUST INSTINCTUALLY,

YOU KNOW CERTAIN THINGSYOU DON'T TRANSLATE.

LIKE YOU'RE GOINGTO SEE A MOVIE.

VAMOS AVER LA PELICULA DE SPONGE BOB. RIGHT?

YOU WOULD NEVER SAY ROBERTO ESPONJA PANTALONES CUETROS.

THAT SOUNDS RIDICULOUS.TAKES WAY TOO MUCH TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

AND NOW MYFAVORITE SPANISH WORDHAD JUST MADE THE LEAP

INTO THEAMERICAN/ENGLISH DICTIONARY.

NEXT EDITION OF FUNK AND WAGNERSWILL INCLUDE THE WORD

- "CHANCLA".- [LAUGHTER]

CHEAP SANDAL, WHICH DOUBLESAS A DISCIPLINARY DEVICE

IN LATINO HOUSEHOLDS,AS IN "SPARE THE CHANCLA,SPOIL THE CHILD."

"SEE ALSO CHANCLE TAZO FUERTE EL POW POW."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S RIGHT.I AM A CHANCLA SURVIVOR.

MY PARENTS WERE VERY STRICT.ABOUT TEACHING US SPANISH, TOO.

THEY-- THANK GOD--WERE HARDCORE, THOUGH.

MY PARENTS WANTED METO LEARN SPANISH SO BAD,

THEY WOULD LOCK USIN THE CAR EVERY SUMMER,

ME AND MY BROTHERSFOR THE WHOLE TRIP

FROM NEW YORK TO FLORIDA,WE WERE NOT ALLOWED

TO SPEAK ANYTHING BUT SPANISH. TIENE QUE SER EN ESPAÑOL

E NO LESVOY HACER NINGUN CASO.NO MATTER WHAT WAS GOING ON.

WE'RE LIKE PAPI, THERE'S ATRAIN COMING, A TRAIN!

HE'S LIKE "NO, NO, TIENE QUESER EN ESPAÑOL."

"BUT A TRAIN!"

AND THE SPANISHISN'T KICKING IN.

YOU'RE LIKE, "EL CHOO CHOO!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WE LOST CABIN PRESSURE.INSTEAD OF OXYGEN MASKS,

ROSARY BEADSDROPPED OUT OF THE CEILING.

I WAS NOT GONNA TELL THIS.BUT I GOT AN EMAIL RECENTLY

ABOUT AN EX-GIRLFRIEND OF MINE.IN PUERTO RICO YOU DON'T SAY EX.

- YOU SAY DIFUNTA.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE EMAIL SAID SHE'SBEEN ATTACKED BY A BARRACUDA.

AND IT WAS LIKE SERIOUS.

AND THEY HAD TO TAKE HERTO THE EMERGENCY-- 23 STITCHES.

AND SHE'S FINE.BUT MY INITIAL REACTION WAS

YOU KNOW, IT MAY TAKE 10 YEARS,BUT GOD DOES COME THROUGH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S NICE TO GET TOGETHER LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW?

TO BE PROUD OF IT, YOU KNOW, IT WASN'T ALWAYS LIKE THAT.

LIKE I WAS A LITTLE KID,I DID NOT BRAG ABOUT.

BUT NOW IT'S EVEN--"WHAT ARE YOU, ITALIAN?"

"NOT ANYMORE. I'M A BORN AGAIN, LATINO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THERE'S SO MANY COOL THINGS ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

LIKE I WAS TRYING TO COME UP WITH A LIST OF

TOP 10 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING LATINO.

REALLY GOING OVER IT. YOU WANNA HEAR IT, BY THE WAY?

- Audience: YEAH! - IF YOU DON'T, I WON'T DO IT.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

"BILL SANTIAGO'STOP 10 BEST THINGS ABOUTBEING LATINO." OKAY?

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

AND JUST TO SEE IF SOME OF YOU RELATE TO THIS, OKAY?

I DIDN'T COME UP WITH 10. BUT HERE WE GO. READY?

[LAUGHTER]

TOP 10: MEETING SIBLINGSYOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - ANYBODY RELATE TO THAT?

"WHO IS THAT?" "THAT'S YOUR BROTHER."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO ONE'S EVER GONNA CALL YOU WHITE TRASH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DATING INTERRACIALLY WITHIN YOUR OWN RACE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DANCING MERINGUE ON THE A TRAIN TO YOUR CELL PHONE RING TONE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"THAT'S YOUR STOP." "BUT I CAN'T STOP."

OKAY, TOP 10..." OH, NEVER HAVING TO SAY,

- "OOPS, AM I TOO EARLY?" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GUARANTEED PART IN HIGH SCHOOL PRODUCTION OF WEST SIDE STORY.

YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO AUDITION FOR THAT ONE.

NOT BEING IN JAIL MAKES YOU AN INSTANT OVER-ACHIEVER.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

- SINGLE BED SLEEPS EIGHT. - [LAUGHTER]

GLOW-IN-THE-DARK CRUCIFIXES. EVERY NIGHT THAT SCARED ME.

PORTATE BIEN, PORTATE BIEN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY. AND HERE'S MY FAVORITE, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER]

ESPERATE! OKAY? LET ME DO MY THING.

AND HERE'S MY FAVORITE ONE. MAKING LOVE, AY PAPI,

JUST SOUNDS SO MUCH BETTER THAN, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?"

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

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