Tuesday, May 5, 2015

  • 05/05/2015

Jon Gabrus, Eugene Cordero and Matt Besser ask Diddy red carpet questions, list #DrunkSongs, guess which DIY videos are real and write original storylines for "The Simpsons."

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HOT FASHION NEWS ALERT! HOTFASHION NEWS ALERT!

THE MET GALA TOOK PLACE IN NEWYORK CITY LAST NIGHT, WHERE

A BUNCH OF DRESSES METVAJAZZLING.

THAT IS WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE.

THE EVENT'S THEME WAS CHINA,THROUGH LOOKING GLASS, WHICH

NARROWLY BEAT OUT BAZILLIONARIESDRAPE THEMSELVES IN SPARKLY

BULLSHIT THAT LOOKS LIKE IT WASDESIGNED BY A HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA

TEACHER ON BATH SALTS.

THAT WAS SARAH SARAH JESSICAPARKER BEFORE A DRAGON BALL Z

FIGHT.

ROBERT PATTINSON STEPPED OUTWITH FKA TELEVISION.

SO VERY NICE DRESS THAT HASA HIDDEN SURPRISE.

WHAT!

>> OH!

>> ACTUAL SIZE.

>> Chris: ACTUAL SIZE.

>> RIGHT FOR EVERYBODY, THAT ISBIG.

>> Chris: FKA TWIGS ISWEARING A DRESS BY VERA WANG.

BUT THE GOOD THING ABOUT THISDRESS THERE WERE A FEW, WITH A

FEW STROKES IT BECOMESFULL-LENGTH.

RIHANNA WORE A YELLOW MEGA-CLOAK-- WHICH IS PART OF A BALANCED

BREAKFAST AS YOU CAN SEE HERE.

I'M SURE THAT'S CHRIS BROWNBEATING THE EGGS THERE.

(APPLAUSE)

BUT THE WEIRDEST OF THE BUNCHCAME FROM OUR OLD PAL DIDDY.

>> YOU GOT MY SUIT TAILORED,RIGHT?

>> YUP.

SUIT ALREADY BEEN DONE.

WE HAD THAT DONE BEFORE YOU GOTHERE.

>> YEAH, WE ARE READY.

>> WOW

>> Chris: ULTRON.

IT SAYS, GETTING READY FOR THEMET BALL BACK HOME IN NEW YORK

CITY.

I REALLY TAKE THIS [B;EEP]SERIOUSLY, MAYBE TOO

SERIOUSLY, HA, HA, THIS IS[BLEEP] IS HILARIOUS.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

OKAY.

COMEDIANS, IF YOU WERE ARED-CARPET REPORTER WHAT

QUESTION WOULD YOU ASKED OF THISMASKED MOGUL.

JON GABRUS.

>> MR. COMBS IN TODAY'S CLIMATEDON'T YOU THINK IT IS

INSENSITIVE TO WEAR WHITE FACE?

TED DANSON WOULD ROLL OVER INHIS GRAVE.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WELL YESTERDAY WAS STAR WARSDAY, MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU,

MAKING TODAY REVENGE OF THEFIFTH OR CINCO DE MAYO, OR AS

YOUR CO-WORKER WHO STILL POPSHIS COLLAR CALLS IT, CINCO DE

DRINKO!

DO YOU KNOW, WHAT THIS HOLIDAYIS FOR? NOPE.

ONCE AGAIN OUR WHITESTWHITES HAVE TAKEN ANOTHER

NATION'S HOLIDAY AND MUTATED ITINTO AN ECXUSE FOR GETTING DRUNK

AND VMITTING IN THE PARKINGLOT OF A THEME RESTAURANT.

IN HONOR OF THIS CULTURALEMBARASSMENT, OUR HASHTAG IS

#DrunkSongs, #DrunkSongs.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE SMIRNOF ICE,ICE BABY.

OR THE 12 STEPS OF CHRISTMAS

OR NALL ABOUT THAT BASS ALE.

I'M GONNA PUT 60-SECONDS ON THECLOCK STARTING NOW, BEGIN.

MATT.

I DID SHOTS WITH THE SHERIFF.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MATT.

>> UPTOWN DRUNK BY BRUNOMARS-TINI.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JON GABRUS.

>> STARTING FROM THE BOTTOM NOWWE ARE BEER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BESSER.

>> SMELLS LIKE TEEN, WINE ANDSPIRITS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JON.

>> THE BEERS ARE BACK IN TOWN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

EUGENE.

>> IN THE NAME OF RUM.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MATT.

>> HEY, YAHH, BLUAGH. UGH.

(VOMITTING SOUNDS)

>> Chris: IS THERE ANYMORE?

(VOMIT SOUNDS CONTINUE)

>> Chris: POINTS.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY STARS,THEY ARE DISGUSTED BY US!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GUYS, TAKE IT FROM ME, BASICCABLE STAR CHRIS HARDWICK,

WHEN I TELL YOU THAT BEING ACELEB HAS GOT ITS DOWN SIDES.

IT'S LIKE STALKERS, LEAKED NUDEPHOTOS AND ALGAE FORMING IN OUR

INFINITY POOLS, WE ALSO HAVE TOPUT UP WITH HAVING ZERO PRIVACY.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOWYOU A PICTURE OF A CELERBITY

BEGRUDGINGLY POSING FOR A PHOTOWITH FANS AND FOR 250 POINTS,

I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT THEYTHEY WERE THINKING AS IT WAS

BEING TAKEN.

FIRST UP, LADY KILLER LEONARDODICAPRIO LOOKING PRETTY EXCITED

TO BE IN THAT PICTURE.

JON.

>> OH, IT IS THIS HAT? WELL,LADIES I AM YOUR CHAUFFEUR TO

(BLEEP) TOWN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

I AM GOING TO CREATE ANINCEPTION BY (BLEEP)ING YOU

THROUGH YOU.

UH -- EUGENE.

>> MAN, I GOT MARY KATE ANDASHLEY OLSEN AND THIS GUY WITH A

(BLEEP) HAIR BUTTON. GAH.

>> Chris: OH, YEAH.

THAT DUDE'S GOT A HAIR BUN.

>> THAT DUDE IS STYLING.

>> Chris: NO ES BUENO HAIR BUNS.

>> THAT IS A MICKEY MOUSE EAR.

>> Chris: THAT WOULD BEINCREDIBLE.

>> THERE IS A REGULAR EAR AND AMICKEY MOUSE EAR.

>> Chris: OH, NO.

>> THIS GUY'S A MUTANT.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, WAKAFLOCKA POSING WITH THE WORLD'S

TINIEST FAN.

JON.

>> OH, MAN, I TOOK THE WRONGBAG AGAIN. MINE HAD A TINY ASIAN

DUDE IN IT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE, TOM HANKS, AMERICA'SSWEETHEART, WITH AN OUT OF

CHARACTER SOUR FACE.

YES, EUGENE.

>> HOLD UP, YEAH, RIGHT.

EVERYTHING IN THIS STORE IS ADOLLAR?

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

TIM BURTON HAUNTING A WAITER ATTIGER BILL'S BAR WOK GRILL.

YES, MATT.

>> GOD, I HATE PEOPLE WHO AREN'TJOHNNY DEPP.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,CRAFTASTROPHES.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THE BOOM OF DIY TUTORIALS ONYOUTUBE MEANS ANYONE CAN POST

VIDEO OF ANY HOUSEHOLD TIP ORTRICK WORTH SHARING, EVEN

PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE ANYHOUSEHOLD TIPS WORTH SHARING.

COMEDINAS, I'M GONNA DESCRIBETWO CRUSHINGLY UNHANDY HOW-TO

VIDEOS AND FOR 250 POINTS GUESSWHICH ONE IS REAL.

FIRST UP --

HOW TO USE A POWER SANDER ASA SPA TREATMENT OR HOW TO DRILL

YOUR OWN SPECIAL BATHROOM HOLE.

EUGENE.

>> I WILL HAVE TO SAY HOW TODRILL YOUR OWN SPECIAL BATHROOM

HOLES BECAUSE I NEED A WHOLEBUNCH OF SPECIAL HOLES I NEED IN

MY BATHROOM.

>> Chris: YEAH, BUT I FEEL LIKETHAT ONE'S PRETTY

SELF-EXPLANATORY.

YOU DRILL A HOLE IN YOURBATHROOM.

>> YEAH, BUT NOT A SPECIAL ONE.

>> HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT GLORYHOLES, RIGHT?

>> I HAVE THEM ALL IN MY TUB.

AND I FACE DOWN.

>> Chris: I'M GLAD WE SPENT ALOT OF TIME ON THE WRONG ANSWER.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS USE POWERSANDER AS A SPA TREATMENT.

>> OH!

>> THAT IS BEAUTIFUL.

>> YEAH.

BEAUTIFUL.

NICE WORK, FRODO.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, HOW TOMAKE YOUR OWN BATMAN MASK OR

HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN SUPERMANTIGHTS.

BESSER.

>> A BATMAN MASK.

>> Chris: I HOPE SO.

LET'S SEE.

>> FIRST STEP, TAKE OFF YOURSHIRT AND DO A SEXY DANCE.

PULL OFF A PIECE OF PLASTIC WRAPABOUT A FOOT AND A HALF LONG,

ADD PIECES OF DUCT TAPE TO STICKIT TO YOUR FACE.

AFTER YOU HAVE YOUR FACECOVERED, YOU CAN USE A HAIR

DRYER TO SPEED UP THE DRYINGPROCESS.

>> Chris: WHAT IS HE DOING?

>> AND IN ABOUT SIX TO EIGHTMINUTES YOU WILL BE DEAD.

>> YEAH, MOST PEOPLE ARE JUSTGOING TO SUFFOCATE ON THE SARAN

WRAP.

>> IS THAT DIDDY?

>> Chris: 100 POINTS TO EUGENEFOR THAT.

NEXT ONE.

HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A SANDWICHBAGFUL OF PUDDING OR HOW TO MAKE

LOVE TO A TOILET PAPER ROLL ANDA SOCK.

MATT BESSER.

>> I HAVE DONE THEM BOTH, BUT ITHINK IT IS HOW TO MAKE LOVE --

'CASUE YOU CAN COMBINE THOSE.

YOU CAN PUT PUDDING IN A TOILETPAPER ROLL.

I WILL SAY TOILET PAPER ROLL.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, LET'S FINDOUT.

>> YOU GOING TO HAVE A RUBBERBAND OR TWO, SO IT'S NOT SLIDING

AROUND ON YOU.

>> IS HIS DICK COMING OUT OF HISKNEE?

>> AND THIS IS SO BASICALLY JUSTTO CATCH ANY MESS THAT YOU MIGHT

INCUR.

>> Chris: LEONARDO DICAPRIO!

>> AND THIS IS JUST LIKE A REALVAGINA, OR I AM ASSUMING.

THE THING IS YOU CAN'T(BLEEP) TOILET PAPER ROLL, YOU

CAN OBJECT MAKE LOVE TO A TOILETPAPER ROLL.

>> NOW I KNOW HOW YOU MAKE MORETOILET PAPER ROLLS.

>> IT'S A LOT SAFER THANMICROWAVING A TOMATO.

TRUST ME.

NO MORE THAN 15 SECONDS, PEOPLE.

WHOA!

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, D'OH, NO, THEDIDN'T.

>> Chris: GREAT NEWS, DUFFDRINKERS, SHORTS EATERS AND HANK

AZARIA'S AGENT, FOX JUSTANNOUNCED THAT THE SIMPSONS HAS

BEEN RENEWED FOR TWO MORESEASONS, TAKING IT THROUGH

SEASON 28.

AND MAKING IT OLDER THAN THEHIPSTERS THAT QUOTE IT IN THEIR

TINDER PROFILES.

THE CITIZENS OF SPRINGFIELDHAVE BEEN THROUGH A LOT IN MORE

THAN TWO DECADES BUT THERE'S NOWAY THEY'VE TACKLED EVERYTHING.

I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME A SIMPSONSPLOT LINE THAT IN 26 SEASONS

HASN'T BEEN DONE.

60-SECONDS ON THE CLOCK.

BEGIN.

EUGENE.

>> THEY INTRODUCE THEIR NEW SEXYSON DARNELL SIMPSON, AND HE

HAS A CATCHPRAHSE OF "OH, HELL,D'OH."

>> Chris: POINTS.

MATT.

>> SIMPSONS REUNITE WITHTHEIR LONG LOST BROTHER OJ.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JON.

>> MR. BURNS ORDERS A DRONESTRIKE ON SHELBYVILLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MATT.

>> LISA GETS AN ABORTION.

>> Chris: TECHNICALLY SHE WOULDBE LIKE 36 BY NOW.

>> YES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JON.

>> MARGE SHOWS HER TITS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YOU SAID THAT A LITTLEENTHUSIASTICALLY -- MATT.

>> YEAH.

>> Chris: JUST LIKE BIG HONKINGYELLOW TITS.

MATT.

>> THE SIMPSONS FINALLY REALIZETHEY ARE MADE OUT OF BUTTER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

EUGENE.

>> MARGE DIES.

>> Chris: NO!

OH, NO POINTS FROM THE AUDIENCEON THAT ONE.

JON.

>> HOMER SHOWS HIS DICK.

>> Chris: I AM A LITTLEWORRIED ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES.

BUT POINTS.

JON.

>> BARNEY KILLS MILHOUSE IN ADRUNK DRIVING ACCIDENT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MATT.

>> TRACY ULLMAN WAKES UP ANDREALIZES IT WAS ALL A DREAM.

>> Chris: YES! AMAZING. POINTS.