CC Presents: Steve McGrew

  • Season 9, Ep 1
  • 09/24/2004

NEW YORK CITY.

TWENTY-FOUR HOUR CITY AND

YOU GUYS NEVER SLEEP.

I LOVE THAT, 24...

Y'ALL HAVE A 24 HOUR WAL-MART?

Audience: NO.

Steve McGrew: OH, THAT'S WHAT

YOU NEED.

I LOVE WAL-MART.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE STORE.

YEAH, I DON'T SHOP THERE.

I JUST GO THERE WHEN I'M

DEPRESSED.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T NEED PROZAC,

FIVE MINUTES IN THERE.

YOU'RE LIKE DAMN.

MY LIFE AIN'T THAT BAD, IS IT?

[LAUGHTER]

AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE A WIFE

GOING, "PUT THAT DOWN,

WE CAN'T AFFORD NO TANG."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"YOU DON'T NEED A NEW NASCAR

CALENDAR, JUST ASK THAT LADY

WHERE THE CREAM IS."

[LAUGHTER AND GROANING]

WHAT?

THIS IS THE TIME YEAR WAL-MART

JUST GETS UGLY YEAH.

IT WARMS UP.

PEOPLE START WEARING STUFF

THEY OUGHT NOT WEAR IN PUBLIC.

JUST 'CAUSE SOMETHIN'S IN STYLE

DOESN'T MEAN EVERYBODY OUGHT TO

WEAR IT, HUH?

I'M A FAN OF THE TUBE TOP,

BUT EVEN A TIRE HAS A PRESSURE

LIMIT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THIS GIRL HAD A TUBE TOP THAT

SAID "HOTTIE"...

AND I THINK THIS BITCH GOT A

GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR.

[LAUGHTER]

SWEATY MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BETTER

WORD, BUT...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I DON'T KNOW HOW BIG SHE WAS BUT

SHE HAD A TUBE TOP WITH THOSE

LITTLE HIP HUGGERS.

LOOKED LIKE A CAN OF BISCUITS

POPPED OPEN!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND SHE HAD A BELLY BUTTON RING,

IF YOU WANT TO DRAW THE EYE IN.

IT WASN'T A RING.

IT WAS A SHOWER CURTAIN THING

ACTUALLY BUT...

[LAUGHTER]

TO FLY.

THEY SAY FLYING IS SAFER THAN

DRIVING.

THAT'S A LIE, ISN'T IT?

IF YOUR CAR STALLS YOU DON'T

FALL OUT OF THE SKY.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY SAY YOU SHOULDN'T WORRY

ABOUT DYING, IF IT'S YOUR TIME

TO DIE, IT'S JUST YOUR TIME.

WHAT IF IT'S NOT YOUR TIME,

WHAT IF IT'S THE GUY SITTING

NEXT TO YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S HIS TIME TO DIE.

WE'RE ON HIS PLANE.

THIS IS GONNA SUCK.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

DON'T WORRY THE STEWARDESS

IS THERE, SHE'LL SHOW YOU ALL

THE SAFETY INFORMATION YOU NEED

TO KNOW.

YEAH, WHAT DO THEY SHOW YOU?

HOW TO USE A SEATBELT.

YEAH, WHERE'S MY PARACHUTE?

[LAUGHTER]

IN OLD WAR MOVIES I'VE NEVER

SEEN, "THE PLANE'S BEEN HIT,

TIGHTEN UP."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

I WOULD JUMP OUT AND FLAP

MY ARMS FIRST.

YOU DON'T KNOW YOU MIGHT GET

LUCKY.

"WE'RE HERE AT THE CRASH SCENE

WHERE EVERYBODY DIED EXCEPT ONE

MAN FLAPPED HIS ASS TO SAFETY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN THEY'D CUT TO THAT

ONE GUY, "HE DID. I SEEN IT."

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU EVER WATCH TV AND JUST

WISH YOU COULD ACTUALLY SLAP

STUPID PEOPLE IN THE TV?

[CHEERS AND LAUGHTER]

GOOD, IT'S NOT JUST ME.

"THAT'S THE 15th TIME THE RIVER

HAS WASHED AWAY OUR HOME."

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"WHAT ARE Y'ALL GONNA DO?"

"WELL, WE'RE GONNA REBUILD."

[LAUGHTER]

BOOP, BOOP, BOOP.

"THEY'RE BACKING UP MY HOME

NOW."

BOOP, BOOP, BOOP.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IF ANYBODY LIVES IN A

MOBILE HOME, I'M NOT PICKING

ON YOU I'M JUST WORRIED ABOUT

YOUR SAFETY.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE TO DIE

BEFORE PEOPLE REALIZES GOD HATES

MOBILE HOMES?

[HOLLERS AND LAUGHTER]

EVERY TIME YOU TURN ON THE NEWS

A MOBILE HOME PARK BLOWN TO

HELL, ISN'T IT?

NEVER DOWNTOWN ANYWHERE.

YOU TWO MILES OUTSIDE THE CITY,

"WHAT HAPPENED?"

"I SEEN IT.

[LAUGHTER]

I HEARD THIS LOUD TRAIN

NOISE..."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I'D LIVE IN AN INDIAN TEE PEE

BEFORE I'D LIVE IN A MOBILE

HOME.

I HAVE NEVER HEARD, "WHAT

HAPPENED?"

[IN INDIAN VOICE] "MMM,

HEARD UM LOUD TRAIN NOISE

COMING TOWARDS TEE PEE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"TRIED TO GET IN BASEMENT,

NOT HAVUM ONE.

RAN TO MY CASINO FOR

PROTECTION."

[LAUGHTER]

TAKING BACK AMERICA ONE NICKEL

AT A TIME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, THAT'S MY BACKGROUND,

I'M FROM OKLAHOMA, MY MOM'S

AMERICAN INDIAN.

MY DAD'S FROM IRELAND.

THERE'S A DRINKING PROBLEM

WAITING TO HAPPEN.

[LAUGHTER]

"HOW...'BOUT ANOTHER ROUND?"

[LAUGHTER]

MY EX-WIFE USED TO THINK I HAD

A DRINKING PROBLEM.

SHE'D LEAVE BROCHURES AROUND.

YOU EVER SEE THOSE BROCHURES,

"ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS.

IF YOU RELATE TO TWO OR MORE,

CONSULT YOUR PHYSICIAN."

...TEN.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, THEY'RE NOT REAL

QUESTIONS.

THERE NOT, THEY'RE LIKE

QUESTIONS, HAVE YOU EVER FELT

LIKE YOU NEEDED A DRINK?

AHHH!

DO YOU DRINK ALONE?

AHHH!

[BLEEP] I LIVE ALONE.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE NOT REAL QUESTIONS.

THEY SHOULD BE QUESTIONS LIKE,

"IF YOU EVER COME TO IN A

DRYER LAUGHING YOUR ASS OFF?"

OOOOH!.

[LAUGHTER]

"HAVE YOU EVER LEFT THE BAR

AND NEEDED TO PEE, FORGET TO

GET OUT OF THE CAR?"

OOOH!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"HAVE YOU EVER RUN NAKED

THROUGH THE HAMBURGER STAND

SCREAMING, "I AM THE OTHER

WHITE MEAT!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THEN YOU MIGHT HAVE A

DRINKING PROBLEM.

HERE'S A LITTLE DRINKING TIP

FOR YOU LADIES.

IF YOU'RE GONNA DRINK, DRINK

JACK DANIELS.

YOU GUYS TOO, YOU, BUT LADIES

YOU SPEND FAR TOO MUCH MONEY

ON COSMETICS.

FOR 12 BUCKS YOU CAN HAVE A MAN

WITH A BOTTLE OF JACK GOING,

"GOD YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL."

[LAUGHTER]

"I'M A LUCKY MAN.

I'M TAKING YOU TO WAL-MART

AND SHOWING YOU OFF."

"LET ME GET THE DOOR FOR YA."

"HE'S A GENTLEMAN."

DRUNK RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S WHAT'LL GET YOU DRUNK

IN THE BAR.

YEAH, THAT'S WHY I THINK THE

WORLD'S DIVIDED UP INTO.

IT'S NOT A MAN-WOMEN THING OR

A BLACK-WHITE THING.

IT'S A TEQUILA THING.

I THINK THERE'S PEOPLE WHO CAN

DRINK TEQUILA AND THERE'S

PEOPLE WHO CAN NEVER HEAR THAT

WORD AGAIN.

"WANT TO DO A SHOT WITH US?"

[GAGGING UH-UH!]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU WANT TO SMELL IT?"

"HEY, [RETCHING COUGHING]"

AND EVERYBODY'S GOT A TEQUILA

STORY.

TEQUILA, "HOLY [BLEEP]

ONE TIME..."

[LAUGHTER]

TEQUILA WILL MAKE YOU ILL.

THAT'LL MAKE YOU SICK IN THE

BAR.

THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'RE

GONNA HAVE A ROUGH NIGHT,

WHEN YOU'RE STILL IN THE BAR

WHEN THAT QUEASY FEELING HITS

YOU.

YOU STILL GOT A DRINK IN YOUR

HAND, "WHOOOO...

[LAUGHTER]

WA WOO, AH, WO.

[BELCHES] AH, MAN WE BETTER GO."

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO

THROW UP, YOU JUST DON'T KNOW

WHEN.

YOU GO HOME LAY DOWN AND PRAY

FOR DAYLIGHT.

STOMACH MESSES WITH YOU ALL

NIGHT.

[STOMACH GROWLING NOISES]

"NO, NOT YET."

[SMACKING NOISES]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[BELCHES]

AH!

CHILI FRIES!

[LAUGHTER]

TELL YOU WHAT TOO, IT DOESN'T

MATTER HOW OLD YOU ARE, THE

MINUTE YOU START THROWING UP

THE FIRST THING THAT POPS INTO

YOUR HEAD, "MOMMY!"

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHY?

THAT'S THE ONLY PERSON WHO'LL

COME IN AND WATCH YOU PUKE!

SPOUSES AND FRIENDS, WE LOVE

YA, BUT NOT THAT MUCH.

[LAUGHTER]

I'LL CHECK ON YA.

"YOU SICK IN THERE?

[PUKING NOISE]

"OKAY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[PUKING CONTINUES]

"STOP MAKING THAT NOISE."

[PUKING]

"I'LL BE IN THE YARD."

[LAUGHTER]

[PUKE]

"I'LL BE AT MY MOM'S."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

[SNAPPING NOISE]

"THERE'S A RUBBER BAND FOR

YOUR HAIR BABY."

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T TAKE THAT NOISE.

IT'S THE NOISE THAT GETS YA.

IT'S NOT THE PUKE IT'S THE

NOISE.

[PUKING NOISE]

IT'S ALWAYS FOLLOWED BY THAT

DEATH MOAN TOO, ISN'T IT?

[PUKING AND MOANING NOISES]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I YUCK, I MADE MYSELF GAG.

WELL, YOU HAVE TO EAT AFTER

DRINKING, THAT'S A LAW.

EVERY PROFESSIONAL KNOWS,

YOU LEAVE A BAR [BELCHES]

"OH, I GOT TO GET SOMETHING

ON THAT."

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE TACO BELL.

I LOVE TACO BELL.

MY EX-WIFE USED TO ALWAYS PUT

IT, WE PULL AWAY FROM THE

WINDOW, "CHECK THE BAG, SEE IF

THAT'S WHAT WE ORDERED?"

"YES, IT SAYS TACO BELL ON THE

BAG."

[LAUGHTER]

DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU GET,

IT'S ALL GOOD.

IT MIGHT NOT BE ASSEMBLED

THE WAY YOU WANTED IT TO BE.

THEY ONLY USE FOUR PRODUCTS,

CHEESE, LETTUCE, MEAT AND CORN

PRODUCT, WHETHER IT'S A CHIP,

FOLDED, FLOPPY OR WHATEVER.

GET HOME, "THAT'S A TOSTADA,

I WANTED A TACO!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"THERE YOU GO, NOW SHUT UP."

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

UH YEAH, NOW SHE'S MY EX-WIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

THIRD TIME.

[CHEERING]

WHAT, IS SHE HERE?

WOOO!

I LOOK AT DIVORCE THIS WAY,

IT IS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED

AND LOST THAN HAVE TO LIVE WITH

THAT BITCH THE REST OF MY LIFE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I LIKE BEING MARRIED.

I THINK MEN NEED TO BE MARRIED.

I'M A GET MARRIED AGAIN.

I JUST LOVE THAT NEW WIFE SMELL.

[LAUGHTER]

I DO THINK MEN NEED TO BE

MARRIED.

WOMEN ARE THE OTHER HALF OF

OUR BRAIN THAT'S WHY GOD MADE US

TO BE A COUPLE.

WE COME UP WITH GOOFY IDEAS.

A WOMEN WILL THINK ABOUT THAT

IDEA AND THE OUTCOME AND WHAT

COULD HAPPEN, STOP YOU AND SAVE

YOUR LIFE.

THAT'S WHY GOD MAN

AND WHOA, MAN, NO!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TALK IS WHAT CAUSES TROUBLE

THOUGH.

I KNOW IT.

IF YOU TALK, THERE'S GONNA BE

A FIGHT.

MEN KNOW THAT, THAT'S WHY WE

QUIT TALKING.

"WHY DON'T WE TALK ANYMORE?"

"I DON'T WANT TO LOSE THE

HOUSE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I WANT TO TALK."

"CALL YOUR MOTHER, BITCH ABOUT

ME."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SOMETHING TO FIGHT ABOUT.

WE WERE ALWAYS FIGHTING ABOUT

STUFF.

OUR BIGGEST FIGHT WAS OVER

TOILET PAPER ONE TIME.

NOT THE WAY IT ROLLS, WE

ALREADY HAD THAT FIGHT,

'CAUSE SHE'D BEEN BUYING CHEAP

TOILET PAPER.

YOU'RE NEVER TOO POOR FOR GOOD

TOILET PAPER THAT'S A LAW.

[LAUGHTER]

I'D LIVE OFF OF TOP RAMAN

NOODLES IF I COULD WIPE MY ASS

WITH THE FLUFFY STUFF.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GOD BLESS ALOE VERA, WHA-HOO!

OH, MAN THE STUFF SHE WAS

BUYING WAS SO BAD IT STILL

HAD BARK IN IT.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE WAS BROWN-SPOTS ALREADY

ON THE PAPER.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHEN

I'M DONE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WHY IS THERE ALWAYS STAINS IN

YOUR UNDERWEAR?"

"YOU'RE LUCKY THERE'S NOT BLOOD

IN MY UNDERWEAR FOR THE

SANDPAPER YOU'RE PUTTING OUT!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN WE COULD BOTH BE SOAKING

UNDERWEAR IN THE SINK.

[GROANING]

OH, WHAT, LIKE I MADE THAT UP?

[LAUGHTER]

SEE WOMEN ALWAYS DO THAT,

"OH, THAT'S GROSS."

YEAH, IT IS, STOP DOING IT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW FROM

MY DAD ABOUT HOW TO BE A MAN.

I LEARNED IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT

WITH DUCT TAPE, PLLLT, IT'S

BROKE!

[LAUGHTER]

I GREW UP ON A FARM IN OKLAHOMA.

THERE WAS DUCT TAPE ON

EVERYTHING WE OWNED.

"DADDY, WINDSHIELD'S FALLING

OUTTA YOUR TRUCK."

[TAPE RIPPING] "I GOT IT."

[LAUGHTER]

"IT'S STILL LEAKING."

[TAPE RIPPING] "NOT AFTER THIS

ONE."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND I'M GLAD I GOT A BOY,

ANYBODY'S GOT A DAUGHTER,

THANKS FOR ACCEPTING YOUR

MISSION AND GOOD LUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

I NEVER WANTED ANY BAGGY PANTS

LITTLE KID EVER COMING TO MY

HOUSE, "I'M HERE FOR YOUR

DAUGHTER."

[LAUGHTER]

"IF YOU'RE TAKING OUT MY BABY,

THEN YOU DON'T NEED THIS THAN

DO YOU?"

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU ASK FOR IT AND YOU BRING

HER HOME, I'LL DUCT TAPE IT BACK

ON FOR YA."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I JUST SAW MY PARENTS AGAIN.

MY DAD'S A TRUCK DRIVER,

DRIVES AN 18-WHEELER.

YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS, BIG GUT,

NOT BUTT?

THAT'S MY DAD.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY KICKED HIS

ASS UP INTO HIS STOMACH.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S GOTTEN SO BIG HE'S GOT

A ROBE THAT DOESN'T CLOSE BUT

HE TIES IT ANYWAY.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BOX OF UNDERWEAR THAT STICKS...

I DON'T KNOW WHY GUYS EVEN WEAR

BOXER UNDERWEAR.

THAT'S NOT EVEN UNDERWEAR.

THAT'S A PIECE OF CLOTH THAT

HIDES YOUR BALLS WHILE THEY

SLAP THE INSIDE OF YOUR LEG.

[LAUGHTER]

MAN, HE BE COMING RIGHT AT YOU,

THAT THING BE OPENING AND

CLOSING LIKE A BASS' MOUTH.

BAA-BAA-BAA-BAA!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN YOU DAD'S

PENIS?

AGGGHHH!

I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE IT I WAS

EATIN' BREAKFAST.

HE WAS COMING RIGHT AT ME,

"GOOD MORNING BOY!"

[LAUGHTER]

"MOM, I DON'T WANT ANY SAUSAGE

THIS MORNING."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I WENT OVER TO VISIT THE OTHER

DAY THEY WERE WATCHING TV.

THEY WERE WATCHING HBO'S,

REAL SEX.

OH, MAN.

I KNEW MY PARENTS HAD SEX, I

JUST DIDN'T KNOW THEY LIKED IT.

I WAS GOING TO CHANGE THE

CHANNEL SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO

WATCH IT WITH THEM.

MY DAD'S LIKE, "HEY, HEY, HEY!

YOUR MOM AND I LIKE THIS SHOW."

[LAUGHTER]

[RETCHING SOUND]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW YOUR PARENTS HAD SEX,

WE'RE HERE.

YOU JUST DIDN'T EVER WAN THEM

TO HAVE SEX LIKE US.

YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT LITTLE WOMAN WHO WARMED

MY OATMEAL ISN'T GOING,

"GIVE ME ALL 18 WHEELS, YOU BIG

TRUCKER!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOUR PARENTS DID IT THEY DID

IT DIFFERENT, "PLLLT, I'M DONE."

"ME, TOO, TURN ON MATLOCK."

"I'LL GET US SOME TUMS."

[BELCHES]

YA KNOW.

YOUR PARENTS WEREN'T LIKING IT,

THEY'RE NOT HAVING WILD,

YOU KNOW, PIG SEX.

[SQUEALING NOISES]

[LAUGHTER]

SOME OF YOU GUYS ARE STARING

AT ME LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL ARE

YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I JUST THINK THERE'S TWO

TECHNIQUES, THERE'S MAKING LOVE

AND THERE'S PIG SEX, THAT'S IT.

MAKING LOVE IS WHEN YOU GOT

SOMEONE YOU LOVE, YOU CARE

ABOUT.

YOU WANT TO HOLD AND BE GENTLE

AND DO WHAT SHE LIKES.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

AND THEN THERE'S [SQUEALING]

[SMACK] "WHO'S YOUR FARMER?!"

[SQUEALING CONTINUES]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SEE YOU'RE SMILIN', YOU KNOW

WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

ALL RIGHT, PIG SEX ISN'T THE

RIGHT WORD BUT YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THAT'S THE WILD NIGHT.

THAT'S THE NIGHT WHEN YOU WALK

IN, "BABY, LOCK THE DOOR,

WE GONNA BUST SOME FURNITURE

IN HERE TONIGHT!"

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU'RE LOOKING DAMN FINE IN

THAT GARFIELD T-SHIRT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, IT'S THE LION KING TONIGHT."

[ROARS]

OH, YEAH, FOR YOU SINGLE GUYS

THAT'S MARRIED-MAN LINGERIE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T GET A LOT OF SEXY

LINGERIE AFTER YOU'RE MARRIED.

THERE'S NO REASON TO BAIT THE

HOOK THE FISH IS IN THE BOAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU COULD WALK PAST A LINGERIE

STORE "I LIKE THAT."

"GOOD FOR YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

"WHY DON'T YOU TRY WEARING THAT

UNCOMFORTABLE [BLEEP]?"

"YEAH, YOU WOULD YOU CREEPY

BASTARD."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU LADIES

COMPLAIN ABOUT NASTY LINGERIE.

IT NEVER STAYS ON THAT LONG.

WE JUST LOOK AT YOU.

"GOD YOU'RE FINE, GET THAT OFF."

[RIPPING NOISE & PIG SQUEALS]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I DON'T LIKE THE WAY I LOOK

IN IT."

IT, IT'S NOT FOR YOU.

"I'M NOT SLEEPING IN THAT."

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT.

[LAUGHTER]

LINGERIE YOU GOTTA LOOK GOOD.

YOU GOTTA BE SEXY, YOU GOTTA

COME OUT SEXY LIKE,

[WHIP NOISE] "I'M A RIP YOU UP,

COWBOY.

[LAUGHTER]

HERE'S A DOCTOR'S NUMBER IN CASE

YOU NEED IT WHEN I'M THROUGH

RIDING YOU."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BOING!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MAKE YOU HARDER THAN A LEFT TURN

DOWNTOWN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, IT WOULD IF IT WAS REALLY

LIKE THAT.

IT WASN'T-- HE WAS JUST GOING,

"THIS IS GOING UP MY ASS!"

[LAUGHTER]

"THANKS FOR TRYING, THERE'S

YOUR T-SHIRT."

[LAUGHTER]

SEE YOU LADIES GOTTA BE SEXY,

TOO.

YOU GOTTA SEDUCE US.

Y'ALL GET MAD AT US ABOUT NOT

BEING ROMANTIC OR SEDUCTIVE.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU JUST

WALKED IN WITH LINGERIE AND

YOU JUST POOF, "WHY YOU STILL

ON THE INTERNET WHEN YOU COULD

BE ON THIS?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU GOTTA HAVE FUN.

YOU GOTTA [PIG SQUEAL]

AND I KNOW PIG SEX ISN'T THE

RIGHT WORD.

IT OUGHT TO BE CALLED

ANIMAL PLANET OR

DISCOVERY CHANNEL SEX,

YA KNOW?

'CAUSE ANIMALS KNOW WHAT

THE HELL THEY'RE DOING.

OH, [VARIETY OF ANIMAL GRUNTS]

YOU NEVER HEAR AN ANIMAL

GOING, "OWE, YOU'RE ON MY WING!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"HEY, HEY, HEY, MY PAWS DON'T

GO THAT FAR BEHIND MY HEAD!"

THEY TEAR IT UP.

[NOISES CONTINUE]

THEY EVEN HAVE THE ANNOUNCER,

"AS YOU CAN TELL BY THE BROKEN

PELVIS, THIS BREED HAS MADE IT."

I'M THINKING, YEAH, AND I JUST

SAW WHY, TOO.

IF ME WIFE HUMPED ME LIKE THAT,

SHE COULDN'T LOSE ME!

I'D BE THE CRIPPLE AT THE MALL

CARRYING HER PURSE, "BABY,

WAIT UP!"

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