The One with the TV Host Perks

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 08/27/2014

Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani welcome Jared Logan, John Hodgman, Todd Glass and "Weird Al" Yankovic as well as a few surprise guests who know what it's like to have a TV show.

It's so weird to me that we haveour own Comedy Central show.

I kind of don't know what toexpect.

Like, I don't know howthis is gonna go...Yeah...

I think I could give you guysa few pointers on it...

if you wanted to knowhow to run a show.

Oh, my god!Oh!

Anders Holm!

Anders Holm from Workaholics!

Hey, guys!

Anders! Can we call youDers? Is that okay?

No.

I'm kidding.Yeah, you can call me Ders.

You can call me The Ders,whatever.

Okay, so Ders--Or, the Ders.

Okay. The Ders.

That sounds good.I like that.

So, The Ders, what can weexpect from like, our show.

Do you have any tips for us?Any pointers?

Of course, I do,first and foremost...

when you get your first limodriver, fire them Day 1.

Uh, we didn't--

We didn't really geta limo driver.

We didn't get any kindof driver.

What do you mean?We have to commute together...

so we save on gas...Yeah...

that they don'treimburse us for.

They don't pay usback for that.

Uh, well then, uh, the gourmetmeals that they drop offat your house...

to keep you in shapeand whatnot.

JONAH (O.S.):Again...

We don't really getgourmet meals...

Or any meals at all, really.

Ok-- oh, that's weird.

I brought some chips.

Oh, that was you.That was me, yeah.

I wrote Comedy Centrala "Thank You" note for those.

It fits you well, oddly.

Good to see you, guys.

Let me tell you about who I am.

I have a girlfriend.She's real.

And uh, she's Jewish.Is anybody here Jewish?

Get out!No, I'm kidding.

But I was raised Pentecostal.

Do you know what Pentecostal is?Do you know what that is?

They speak in tongues at church.They speak in another languageat church.

It's not a languageyou recognize.

It's not like,"yo, soy bien, Christo."

It's not like that.

It's not a littleLatin flavor, okay?

What it is, is they do-- okay,the Holy Ghost, which is likea friendly ghost like Casper.

Enters their bodyand then they do this.

This is really what wouldhappen at my church.

They would go.

( TALKING IN TONGUES )

And they think thatGod likes that.

That God's like, "Yeah, makethem noises I like!

"Make God's dancing noises.

"I'm God and I love randomcollections of gibberish."

So, you know, I wanted to knowwhy my church thought thatthey had to do this.

So I looked it up in the Bible,and in the Bible...

it's really one paragraphabout the day of Pentecost,they call it...

where all these disciplesprayed, the Holy Ghost made themspeak in tongues.

My church based their entirereligion off of that oneparagraph.

So to me, my church are like,you know, they're like ComiCongeeks of religion.

Like, if Jesus came back andneeded a panel at the San DiegoComiCon...

my church would be in theaudience like--

Remember in Act, Chapter 2,Verse 1...

when you used your powersto change the language centersof the dis--

Isn't that the correct wayto worship God?

And Jesus would be lookingat Joss Whedon like...

"Can you believe these[BLEEP]ing assholes?

"That I have to-- these are myfans that I have to deal with?

"I didn't write that part? Ididn't write--"

Who wrote that part?Who wrote that? Luke?

I think Luke wrote that?I--

You know, I feel like you'refixating on one partof the whole saga.

I'm here to promotethe Second Coming.

There's another thing they do.Are you tired?

And it's this thing you pluginto the wall that keeps bugsout of the house.

But then the voiceoverperson comes on.

Are you tired of exterminatorscoming into your house...

spraying poison on yourchildren and food?

I get you want to movemerchandise, so it behooves youto lie about exterminators...

because you want peopleto buy your thing.

But can you just make up stuff?Are people that, you know,driven to buy stuff?

Even if there's no fa--

Are you tired of exterminatorscoming into your house...

putting on your wife's clothesand taking a shit in your yard?

People are like, "I amactually-- if they do that, thenI am tired of that."

First of all, exterminatorsnever spray poison...

into anybody's babyor anybody's face.

They never come in, "Is thatyour baby?" "Yes, it is."

Hey, you just sprayed poisonin my baby's face.

"Yeah, I'm an exterminator."

By the way, every so often,this happens...

and we're not talking aboutwhether this is sad or not.

It's always sad if somebodyloses their life.

We'll hear a situation inSea World, where, you know,the killer whale kills somebody.

And again, it's sad,it's always sad.

The thing is,why are they shocked?

If Sea World didn't exist,and you told someone thatstory... just on it's own.

It seems like you're fuckingcrazy. If you went upto someone...

You're not gonna believe whathappened. Don't even guess.

Don't even try to guess it.This is crazy.

You're never gonna seethis coming.

And we're smart,and we didn't see it coming.

And we're not dumb, and we'renot dumb, seriously.

We're not dumb, and we didn'tsee this coming.

So you're not going to.

But we took a killer whale outof the ocean with a crane,right?

And then we put itin a baby pool.

And we had a guy swim around it.

Well, it was sort of scared,and tried to teach it tricksand shit.

And you're not gonnabelieve what it did.

The guy's like, "It killed him?"

You're like, "Shut the fuck up!Who told you?"

You would have never guessedthat on your own.

Good night,thank you very much.

That was amazing...you did great!

Thank you, that was fun.

Oh... yeah.

God, that was so much fun.

To do, like a show, in front ofthose crowds, it's fucking nuts.

Please welcome to the stage,Weird Al Yankovic!

Oh, shit, Weird Al's playingwith a quartet. I gotta watchthat.

So he is a nerd, right?Right? It's official.

Whatever just happens.

Put down that chainsaw andlisten to me.

It's time for usto join in the fight.

It's time to let your babiesgrow up to be cowboys.

It's time to let thebedbugs bite.

You better put allyour eggs in one basket.

You better count your chickensbefore they hatch.

You better sell some wine,before its time.

You better find yourselfan itch to scratch.

You better squeeze all theCharmin you can.

When Mr. Winkle's not around.

Stick your head in the microwaveand get yourself a tan.

Talk... with your mouth full.

Bite... the hand feeds you.

Bite... off morethan you can chew.

What can you do?

Dare to be stupid.

Take... some wooden nickels.

Look... for Mr. Goodbar.

Get... your mojo working now.I'll show you how.

You can dare to be stupid.You can turn the other cheek.

You can just give up the ship.

You can eat a bunch of sushithen forget to leave a tip.

Dare to be stupid.

Come on and dare to be stupid.

It's so easy to do.

We're all waiting for you.Let's go.

It's time to make a mountainout of a molehill.

So can I have a volunteer?

We have no more timefor crying over spilt milk.

Now is time for cryingin your beer.

Settle down, raise a family,join the PTA.

Buy some sensible shoesand a Chevrolet.

Then party 'til you're brokeand they drag you away.

It's okay.You can dare to be stupid.

It's like spitting on a fish.

It's like barking up a tree.

It's like they say,you gotta buy one if youwant to get one free.

Dare to be stupid.Yes!

Why don't you dare to be stupid?Dare to be stupid.

Dare... to be stupid.

Thank you so much!That's our show this week!

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