Sneed, Lynch, Spruyt, Laney

  • 12/09/2004

I FIND IT STRANGE WHEN PEOPLE

CALL JUST TO SAY HI.

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU THINK THEY WOULD DO THAT

IF IT WAS THE 1700s AND THEY HAD

TO USE A CARRIER PIGEON?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THE PIGEON GET THE SCROLL AND

BE LIKE...

[THUMPING SOUND]

[LAUGHTER]

[THUMPING CONTINUES]

[LAUGHTER]

THE BIRD'S LIKE...

[CROWING]

AND THE GUY'S LIKE,

[ENGLISH ACCENT] "OOH, JASPER.

LET US SEE THE SCROLL.

HMM, MUST BE A MESSAGE FROM

THE KING.

'HI'."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE YOU GO TO PLACES LIKE

NEW YORK AND LOS ANGELES AND

THEY'RE LIKE, YOU KNOW, "OH,

YOU PROBABLY LIKE NASCAR."

AND YOU KNOW I'M LIKE,

"NO, I DON'T KNOW."

BUT THEN I FEEL LIKE HAVE TO

JUSTIFY THE SPORT.

I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S THE NUMBER ONE SPECTATOR

SPORT IN OUR COUNTRY.

THAT'S A FACT."

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "REALLY?"

AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH, YOU KNOW."

AND THEN PEOPLE WONDER WHY

THERE'S SO MANY FAT KIDS.

AND I'M LIKE, "HELLO."

HA-HA-HA!

YOU KNOW.

I MEAN SERIOUSLY, LET'S BE

HONEST.

THERE ARE PARENTS AT HOME GOIN',

"SEE THAT BOBBY, HOW HE SITS

THERE AND TURNS THE WHEEL?

OKAY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S AN ATHLETE.

YEAH."

I'M SERIOUS, YOU GUY'S.

FAT KIDS ARE TAKING OVER.

IT IS A PROBLEM.

BUT IF YOU DO HAVE AN OBESE

CHILD, THERE'S A SIMPLE SOLUTION

AND IT'S SPORTS.

NOW MORE THAN EVER, PARENTS HAVE

TO GET THEIR KIDS OUT THERE

PLAYIN' SPORTS.

AND DON'T MAKE 'EM FEEL LIKE

THEY HAVE TO BE THE BEST OR GET

A FULL RIDE TO COLLEGE OR MAKE

MILLIONS IN THE PROS.

YOU KNOW LET 'EM HAVE FUN

BECAUSE IF NOTHING ELSE THEY'LL

HAVE WHAT I CALL MOMENTS OF

GLORY.

ANYONE IN HERE THAT'S EVER

PLAYED A SPORT, I GUARANTEE YOU

HAVE THE MOST BORING STORY

ABOUT YOUR BIG PLAY OR YOUR BIG

GAME THAT YOU WILL TELL PEOPLE

ANY CHANCE YOU GET WHETHER THEY

WANNA HEAR IT OR NOT, YOU KNOW?

I'LL NEVER FORGET MINE.

IT WAS HIGH SCHOOL BASEBALL.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WAS THE BOTTOM OF THE 9th.

2 OUTS.

BASES ARE LOADED.

I'M UP TO BAT.

IT'S MY TURN TO BE THE HERO.

THE GUY PITCHED IT.

I SWUNG.

TINK.

I HIT THE BALL HARDER THAN I'VE

EVER HIT ANY BASEBALL IN MY

LIFE.

AND IT'S MOMENTS LIKE THAT THAT

SOMETHING IN AN ATHLETE SAYS,

"YOU MIGHT HAVE TO SHARE THIS

STORY WITH PEOPLE FOR THE REST

OF YOUR LIFE."

"TAKE IT IN AND MAKE IT A GOOD

ONE."

AND I HAVE MADE IT A GOOD ONE.

AND I HAVE MADE IT A GOOD ONE,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE IF YOU ASK ME

HOW IT HAPPENED IT WAS LIKE

RIGHT OUT OF A MOVIE.

AND IF IT EVER BECOMES A MOVIE,

THIS IS PROBABLY WHAT IT'LL

LOOK LIKE.

THE CAMERA STARTS OUT.

ALL YOU SEE IS MY FOOT KICKIN'

UP DIRT WHEN I'M LEAVIN'

THE BATTERS BOX, RIGHT.

THEN IT CUTS TO ME RUNNIN' DOWN

THE LINE IN SLOW MOTION.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOOK INTO THE STANDS AND

I NOTICE MY DAD, WHO SWORE

HE WOULD NEVER COME WATCH ME

PLAY BASEBALL.

I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

HE'S HERE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN IT SHOWS MY TEAMMATES

IN THE DUGOUT.

"GO DUDE, GO."

IT CUTS TO UMPIRE AND HE'S LIKE,

"OUT AT FIRST."

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE AH...

WELL...

[APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW?

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

I MEAN SURE, IT WAS JUST A

GROUND BALL BACK TO THE PITCHER,

[CHUCKLES] YOU KNOW.

BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM.

HERE'S THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH

THIS.

LATELY I'VE BEEN WONDERING

IF SOME DUDE'S OUT THERE IS

TELLIN' THE SAME STORY,

MY STORY, FROM THE OTHER SIDE,

RIGHT?

SOME GUY SITTIN' AROUND WITH

HIS BUDDIES.

THEY'RE LIKE, "TELL THE BASEBALL

STORY, NATE."

HE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.

AH, THERE I WAS ON THE PITCHER'S

MOUND.

IT WAS-- IT WAS THE BOTTOM OF

THE 9th, 2 OUTS, BASES WERE

LOADED.

I'D GIVEN EVERYTHING I HAD

THAT DAY, BUT MY ARM FELT LIKE

JELLO.

YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGH?

MY TEAM NEEDED ME AND MY COACH

NEEDED ME TO GIVE ONE MORE

PITCH."

AND I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

FASTBALL, YOU GOT IT."

EVERYTHING I HAD, RIGHT DOWN

THE PIPE.

THE GUY SWUNG, HIT A GROUND BALL

RIGHT BACK AT ME.

I KIND OF BOBBLED IT.

HE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN

SAFE, BUT HE WAS LIKE RUNNIN'

IN SLOW MOTION FOR NO REASON.

HE'S LIKE WAVIN' AT THE STANDS.

ALL RIGHT, NEW YORK CI

[LAUGHTER]

SO SOME THINGS IN LIFE JUST

DON'T MAKE SENSE, YOU KNOW,

LIKE MY DERMATOLOGIST HAS ACNE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW.

HE'S LIKE "I GOT RID OF YOUR

ZITS."

I'M LIKE, "I KNOW.

THEY'RE ON YOU NOW."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IT TOOK HIM LIKE A YEAR

TO GET RID OF MY ZITS.

BUT I STILL GO TO HIM ONCE IN

A WHILE JUST TO SEE HOW HE'S

DOING.

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST WENT ON A DATE RECENTLY,

TOO.

I GOT SET UP.

IT'S HARD WHEN YOU'RE TALL,

'CAUSE PEOPLE JUST THINK

THAT'S ALL YOU WANT, YOU KNOW,

THAT YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT

ANYTHING ELSE, YOU'RE LIKE,

"OH, HE'S SIX TWO.

HE'S FOR YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "I KNOW, BUT HE'S

HOMELESS."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

IT'S TRUE.

BEING TALL PEOPLE ALWAYS WANNA

KNOW IF YOU PLAY BASKETBALL.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M SORRY, I NEVER DID.

YOU KNOW.

PEOPLE ALWAYS WANNA KNOW THAT.

NO ONE EVER ASKS LIKE A FAT GIRL

IF SHE'S IN THE OPERA, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ANY SCOS IN THE HOUSE?

[APPLAUSE]

NO SCOS.

NO CROOKED SPINES?

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD

SCOLIOSIS.

MY GYM TEACHER CAUGHT IT IN

THE 8th GRADE.

HE STARTED RUBBING MY BACK

UNDER MY SHIRT.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I THOUGHT HE LIKED ME,

YOU KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO THINK

WHEN SOMEONE'S TELLING YOU TO

BEND OVER.

I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE A SEXUAL

POSITION, YOU KNOW.

IT'S LIKE, "OH MY GOD.

WE'RE DOING THE SCOLIOSIS

TOGETHER, YOU KNOW."

AM I STILL A VIRGIN?

[LAUGHTER]

AND IT'S HARD WHEN YOU'RE IN

THE 8th GRADE, 'CAUSE ALL

YOU WANNA DO--

LIKE WHEN YOU'RE TALL IS MODEL,

YOU KNOW.

AND MY MOM'S LIKE, "YOU CAN'T

MODEL YOU HAVE SCOLIOSIS."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WORE A BACK BRACE AND

I HAD BRACES AND A HEADGEAR.

[LAUGHTER]

I SHOULD HAVE JUST MODELED FOR

LIKE A MEDICAL EQUIPMENT

CATALOG.

YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I LIKE TO TRAVEL, TOO.

WHOO!

YEAH.

I WENT TO JAPAN RECENTLY.

JAPANESE PEOPLE ARE SO PROPER.

THEY'RE SO POLITE.

EVERYTHING THEY DO IS JUST LIKE

SO PERFECT.

YOU KNOW LIKE I EVEN SAW THIS

GUY EVEN LIKE SNEEZED CUTE.

HE WAS LIKE, [GASPING] "AHH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW.

MEOW.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT.

I GUESS 'CAUSE THEY'RE PETITE.

I'M TALL AND CLUMSY, YOU KNOW,

SO I'M LIKE, "ACHOO!"

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW.

SOMETIMES I SNEEZE SO HARD I GET

MY PERIOD LIKE A WEEK EARLY.

Peter Spruyt: I'M GONNA BRING IT

DOWN A BIT.

[LAUGHTER]

I SHOULD TELL YOU ABOUT MYSELF.

I'M A FEMINIST.

I'LL SAY THAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

ACTUALLY, WAIT, THAT'S NOT

CORRECT.

HOLD ON.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, YEAH.

I'M EFFEMINATE.

THAT'S WHAT I MEANT TO SAY.

[LAUGHTER]

DID ANYONE SEE FINDING NEMO,

THE MOVIE?

YEAH?

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I GUESS YOU LIKED IT.

I HAVEN'T SEEN IT AND I'M NOT

GONNA WATCH IT.

AND I'D SUGGEST THE REST OF

YOU NOT SEE IT.

AND HERE'S WHY I SAY THIS.

FINDING NEMO, AS MOST OF YOU

APPARENTLY KNOW, IS A DISNEY

PRODUCTION.

AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN,

PEOPLE, ANYONE?

WHAT THAT MEANS, OF COURSE,

IS IF YOU'RE PATIENT, RIGHT,

IF YOU ARE WILLING TO WAIT,

YOU CAN SEE IT ON ICE.

DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

THIS IS THE CLOWNFISH, RIGHT

PEOPLE?

THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC

CREATURE OF THE OCEAN.

WHY WOULD YOU WANNA SEE HIM AS

JUST LIKE AN ANIMATED, TWO

DIMENSIONAL DRAWING WHEN YOU

COULD SEE HIM DEPICTED

ACCURATELY BY A GAY MAN IN A

FISH SUIT, RIGHT, ON SKATES...

[LAUGHTER]

IN THE CLOWNFISH'S NATURAL

HABITAT, THE HOCKEY RING?

DOESN'T THAT MAKE MORE SENSE

TO YOU, PEOPLE?

[APPLAUSE]

I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS.

I'M AN ACTOR/COMEDIAN/MODEL

AND, UM, THAT'S NOT A JOKE.

THAT'S NOT A JOKE.

THAT'S NOT A JOKE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DID-- DID YOU JUST HEAR ME SAY

THAT WAS NOT A JOKE, MA'AM,?

AND YOU LAUGHED AT ME ANYWAY,

DIDN'T YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT LAUGHING AT YOUR DREAMS,

AM I?

I'M NOT.

WHY THE HATE?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SO ANYWAY SINCE I'M IN

SHOW BUSINESS I WATCH A LOT OF

LIKE TELEVISION FOR RESEARCH

PURPOSES.

AND I SAW THIS MADE FOR

TV DISASTER MOVIE.

SOME OF YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN IT.

IT WAS CALLED "VOLCANO COMMA

FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN".

DID ANYONE SEE THIS?

[LAUGHTER]

ANYWAY, I THOUGHT I'D TRY

WRITING SOME TITLES FOR SOME

MADE FOR TV DISASTER MOVIES

AND SEE IF I COULD SELL 'EM.

AND THESE ARE THE ONES I'VE

COME UP WITH SO FAR.

I WANNA SEE IF YOU GUYS LIKE 'EM

BEFORE I TRY TO PITCH THEM.

THIS IS THE FIRST ONE.

"TORNADO COMMA...

[LAUGHTER]

SWIRLY WIND A'BREWIN'."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IS THAT SCARY?

HERE'S NUMBER TWO.

"KILLER BEES COMMA...

MEANER THAN YOUR AVERAGE BEE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S NUMBER THREE.

"TIDAL WAVE--

Audience Member: COMMA.

Peter Spruyt: THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

LOTS OF WATER COMING AT YA."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS THE MOST RECENT TITLE

I'VE WRITTEN.

"GLACIER--

Audience Member: COMMA.

Peter Spruyt: THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

IT MOVES REAL SLOW...

COMMA.

BUT YOU CAN'T STOP IT."

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT, THAT'

I LOVE IT MAN, 'CAUSE I GOT A

GOOD JOB.

AND EVERYBODY DON'T HAVE A

GOOD JOB, RIGHT?

YOU MIGHT HAVE A GOOD JOB

IF YOU GOT A ONE-WORD JOB.

ONE WORD.

MANAGER.

ACCOUNTANT.

LAWYER.

BUT IF YOU GOTTA EXPLAIN

WHAT IT IS YOU DO...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU AIN'T GOT NO GOOD JOB.

IF SOMEBODY ASKS YOU WHAT

YOU DO AND YOU GO, "YOU KNOW

THE INSIDE OF THE PEN, THEY GOT

THESE SPRINGS.

[LAUGHTER]

I PUT THE SPRINGS ON THE INSIDE

OF THE PEN.

THAT'S WHAT I DO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TRY TO MAKE THEIR JOB SOUND

IMPORTANT.

LIKE WITHOUT ME, THE PENS

WOULDN'T GO CLICK.

I MAKE-- THAT AIN'T NO GOOD JOB,

MAN.

NEIGHBORHOOD.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY ACTUALLY FILMED AN EPISODE

OF TRAUMA, LIFE IN THE ER

IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S RIGHT.

IT WAS THE EPISODE WHERE

THE MAN CASUALLY WALKS INTO

THE EMERGENCY ROOM WITH A KNIFE

STILL STUCK IN HIS HEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

KNIFE STILL IN HIS HEAD.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

HOW MAD DO YOU HAVE TO BE

TO STAB SOMEBODY IN THEY HEAD?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW?

IN THEIR HEAD.

YOU GOTTA BE PRETTY PISSED OFF,

RIGHT?

"LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT?

I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE."

[TOOM!]

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT IN THEIR HEAD.

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

IF YOU GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM

AND YOU GOT A KNIFE STILL STUCK

IN YOUR HEAD, YOU GO TO

THE FRONT OF THE LINE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU NEXT.

"EXCUSE ME.

I AIN'T GOT TIME TO FILL OUT

NO FORMS."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WHY I HAD TO GET OUT OF

MY NEIGHBORHOOD, MAN.

I BOUGHT A HOUSE DEEP IN

THE POCONO MOUNTAINS.

DEEP IN THE MOUNTAINS WHERE

NO BLACK PEOPLE SHOULD BE.

[LAUGHTER]

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT

MY NEIGHBORS TELL ME.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THEY TELL ME EVERY DAY, TOO.

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

BUT I LIKE IT OUT THERE IN

THE POCONOS, MAN.

IT'S JUST A NICE PLACE TO RAISE

A KID.

ANYBODY SURPRISED I'M A PARENT?

NO?

OR Y'ALL JUST THINK ALL

BLACK PEOPLE GOT KIDS.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD.

ALTHOUGH Y'ALL NOT SURPRISED,

I KNOW I WAS WHEN THE JUDGE

TOLD ME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE, "ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE

RIGHT?"

[LAUGHS]

I GOT A SON, THOUGH.

MY SON GOT A 100 ON HIS LAST

TEST.

THAT'S RIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

A HUNDRED.

THEY WAS TESTIN' FOR A.D.D.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, HE GOT 100 ON THAT TEST.

AND THEY WANNA PUT HIM ON

RITALIN.

YOU EVER SEE A LITTLE KID ON

RITALIN?

RITALIN IS LIKE HEROIN FOR KIDS.

IT'S LIKE THE KID JUST--

[LAUGHTER]

THE KID IS LIKE "HE'S SO

OBEDIENT."

"YEAH.

I'M OBEDIENT."

IT'S LIKE THERE AIN'T NO WAY

IN HELL HE'S GOT...

[APPLAUSE]

LIKE THERE AIN'T NO WAY IN HELL

YOU PUTTIN' MY SON ON RITALIN.

BUT I'LL TAKE SOME, HOW MUCH

FOR $5.

I WANNA GET A SMALL BAG.

'CAUSE WHEN I WAS GROWIN' UP,

MAN, WHEN I WAS GROWIN' UP,

IF A KID NEEDED MEDICATION,

IT'S 'CAUSE A KID "NEEDED"

MEDICATION.

LIKE I HAD A COUSIN WHO WAS ON

MEDICATION.

AND WE KNEW IF HE MISSED A

DOSAGE, 'CAUSE HE'D WALK IN'

THE LIVIN' ROOM BUTT NAKED...

[LAUGHTER]

WITH HIS SCROTUM IN ALUMINUM

FOIL.

[LAUGHTER]

TALKING ABOUT, "WHO WANTS

ROASTED NUTS!"

[LAUGHTER]

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