New in Town

  • 01/28/2012

John Mulaney shares his black-out drunk stories and his welcome to New York City.

AND I'M VERY EXCITEDABOUT THAT.

I WAS HOPING BY NOWTHAT I WOULD LOOK OLDER

BUT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

I DON'T LOOK OLDER,I JUST LOOK WORSE, I THINK.

HONESTLY, WHEN I'M WALKINGDOWN THE STREET,

NO ONE'S EVER LIKE"HEY! LOOK AT THAT MAN."

I THINK THEY'RE JUST LIKE

"WHOA! THAT TALL CHILDLOOKS TERRIBLE."

GET SOME REST, TALL CHILD.

YOU CAN'T KEEP BURNINGTHE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS.

A LOT OF GUYS MY AGE,

I'LL HEAR THEM SAY THIS--THEY GO,

"EVERY DAY I THINK I'M BECOMINGMORE LIKE MY DAD."

I THINK I'M BECOMINGMORE LIKE MY MOM

BECAUSE I WAS WATCHING THAT SHOW ACCESS HOLLYWOOD

AND ONE OF THE REPORTERS SAID,

"UP NEXT, WE HAVE AN EXCLUSIVEINTERVIEW WITH SANDRA BULLOCK'S

FORMER HUSBAND JESSE JAMES."

AND OUT LOUD, I WENT"UGH, THIS OUGHTA BE GOOD!"

THAT'S PURE MOM.

NAMED VERONICAWHEN WE WERE KIDS,

AND I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER.

I WAS IN LOVE WITH VERONICA.

SHE WOULD BABYSIT USON SATURDAY NIGHTS.

AND IN MY HEAD,WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID,

I THOUGHT THAT VERONICAWAS LIKE 25, 30 YEARS OLD.

I WAS JUST TALKING TO MY MOMTHE OTHER WEEK.

I FOUND OUT THAT WHEN I WAS 10,VERONICA WAS 13.

SO WHY WAS SHE IN CHARGE?

ALL SHE COULD DO WAS DIALTHE TELEPHONE A LITTLE BETTER

THAN I COULD.

13 WHEN I'M 10?

THAT'S JUST LIKE HIRINGA SLIGHTLY BIGGER CHILD.

THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU'REGOING OUT OF TOWN FOR THE WEEK

AND YOU PAID A HORSETO WATCH YOUR DOG.

LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, HERE ISTHE NUMBER WHERE WE'LL BE,

"AND HERE'S WHERE WE KEEPTHE DOG FOOD.

"AND YOU'RE A HORSE.

"SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.

SHH, SHH,SHH, SHH, SHH."

WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT?PEOPLE ALWAYS SHUSH ANIMALS.

THEY GO, "HEY, SHH, SHH, SHH."

THEY'VE NEVER SPOKEN.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVEIN NEW YORK WHEN I WAS A KID.

I'M SO EXCITED THAT I GETTO LIVE IN NEW YORK.

I SAW NEW YORK CITY IN A MOVIEWHEN I WAS A KID.

IT WAS CALLED HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK.

IT IS A SEQUEL.YEAH, HOW ABOUT THAT MOVIE?

IT WAS A SEQUEL TO THE MOVIE HOME ALONE.

I REMEMBER IN THAT MOVIE--OH, THE KID IN HOME ALONE 2.

HE GETS INTO A STRETCH LIMOUSINEON 5TH AVENUE

WITH A LARGE CHEESE PIZZA,AND I THOUGHT,

"THIS ISTHE HEIGHT OF LUXURY!"

NOW I LIVE IN NEW YORKAND I'M PSYCHED,

BUT THAT IS A STUPIDMOVIE TITLE.

LOST IN NEW YORK?THE STREETS ARE NUMBERED.

HOW'D YOU GETLOST IN NEW YORK?

I KNOW IT'S KIND OF STUPIDTO COMPLAIN ABOUT A MOVIE

THAT CAME OUT 17 YEARS AGO.

BUT I WASN'T A COMEDIANBACK THEN.

SO I HAVE TO DO IT NOW.I WISH I'D BEEN.

I WISH I'D BEEN A DEF JAM COMICWHEN THAT MOVIE CAME OUT.

I WOULD HAVE TORN ITTO PIECES.

BE LIKE, "YOU SEEN THIS SHIT?

"YOU SEEN THIS HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK SHIT?

"IT'S A GRID SYSTEM,MOTHERFUCKER.

"WHERE YOU AT?24TH AND 5TH?

"WHERE YOU WANNA GO?35TH AND 6TH?

11 UP AND 1 OVER,YOU SIMPLE BITCH!"

THAT'D BE MY BIG JOKE.THAT'D BE THE CLOSER.

I THINK THE BULLYING THAT YOUNGPEOPLE HAVE TO GO THROUGH NOW

IN SCHOOLS IS REALLY ROUGH.

I REALLY SYMPATHIZE, 'CAUSEI WAS BULLIED WHEN I WAS A KID.

WHEN I WAS IN GRADE SCHOOL,

I WAS BULLIED FOR BEINGASIAN-AMERICAN.

AND THE BIGGEST PROBLEMWITH THAT...

IS THAT I AM NOTASIAN-AMERICAN.

BUT WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,AND THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE,

PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT I MIGHT BEASIAN-AMERICAN.

I HAVE PRETTY THIN EYES.

I HAD VERY THIN EYESWHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID

AND I HAD STRAIGHT BLACK HAIRTHAT I WORE IN A BOWL CUT.

AND FROM THE AGES OF THREETO EIGHT,

PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT I MIGHT BEA YOUNG CHINESE PERSON.

ON THE FIRST DAYTHAT HE MET ME,

THE GUY THAT IS NOWMY BEST FRIEND--

HE MET ME THE FIRST DAYOF KINDERGARTEN--

HE WENT HOME THAT NIGHTAND SAID,

"PAPA, TODAY I MET A BOYWITH NO EYES."

AND THAT WAS ME.

KIDS WOULD MAKE FUN OF MEIN MIDDLE SCHOOL.

KIDS WOULD CALL MEA "CHINA MAN."

WHICH, OF THE RACIAL SLURS,HAS GOT TO BE THE LAZIEST.

THAT IS JUST PUSHINGTWO WORDS TOGETHER.

NO WORK WAS DONE THERE.

IT WAS VERY CONFUSING TO ME'CAUSE I'M NOT CHINESE.

NO ONE IN MY FAMILYIS REMOTELY ASIAN.

I MEAN, WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFFWHEN WE COME INSIDE,

BUT THAT WAS MORE OF A CARPETINGTHING THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

HERE'S HOW BAD IT GOT, THOUGH.

I REMEMBER WHENI WAS IN JUNIOR HIGH,

WE HAD THIS MUSIC APPRECIATIONCLASS THAT WE NEVER APPRECIATED.

AND THEY TOOK US TO HEARSOME CLASSICAL MUSIC ONCE

AT A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA.

SO WE GOTO A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA.

IN ONE OF THESE CLASSICALPIECES,

THERE'S A MOMENT WHERE THEYBANG A GONG.

AND EVERY TIME THEY BANGEDTHE GONG,

ALL THE KIDS SITTINGIN FRONT OF ME WOULD STAND UP

TURN TO ME AND BOW LIKE THAT.

WHICH IS SOME RACIST-ASSBULL[bleep]...

BUT ALSO INCREDIBLYWELL COORDINATED...

FOR A GROUP OF 13-YEAR-OLDS.

13-YEAR-OLDS ARE THE MEANESTPEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

THEY TERRIFY ME TO THIS DAY.

IF I'M ON THE STREETON LIKE A FRIDAY AT 3:00 P.M.

AND I SEE A GROUPOF EIGHTH GRADERS

ON ONE SIDE OF THE STREET,

I WILL CROSS TO THE OTHER SIDEOF THE STREET.

BECAUSE EIGHTH GRADERSWILL MAKE FUN OF YOU

BUT IN AN ACCURATE WAY.

THEY WILL GET TO THE THINGTHAT YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOU.

THEY DON'T EVEN NEED TO LOOKAT YOU FOR LONG.

THEY'LL JUST BE LIKE"HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

"HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

"HEY, LOOK AT THATHIGH-WAISTED MAN.

HE GOT FEMININE HIPS."

AND I'M LIKE "NO! THAT'STHE THING I'M SENSITIVE ABOUT!"

I WAS ALSO CONFUSED

WITH A WOMAN SOMETIMESOVER THE PHONE.

BECAUSE BEFOREI WENT THROUGH PUBERTY,

I HAD A VOICE LIKEA LITTLE FLUTE.

I WAS ONCE ON THE TELEPHONEWITH BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO,

WHICH IS A VERY OLD-FASHIONEDSENTENCE.

AND--IT IS.

I WAS ON THE TELEPHONEWITH BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO.

THAT'S LIKE WHEN YOUR GRAMWOULD BE LIKE,

"WE'D ALL GO PLAY JACKSDOWN AT THE SODA FOUNTAIN."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "NO ONE KNOWSWHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,

YOU IDIOT."

YOU KNOW HOW YOU TALKTO YOUR GRANDMA?

SO...

I WAS ON THE PHONEWITH BLOCKBUSTER.

I'D CALLED THEM A COUPLEOF TIMES IN ONE DAY

TO ASK ABOUT A MOVIE.

AND I CALLED FOR A THIRD TIME.

I SAID, "HEY, YEAH.I WAS JUST CALLING TO SEE

IF YOU HAD ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES YET."

AND THE GUY AT BLOCKBUSTERWENT, "HEY, LADY...

I'LL TELL YOU WHEN WE GET ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES."

BUT LOOK, I WASN'T OFFENDEDAS A BOY BEING CONFUSED

WITH A LADY.

I WAS OFFENDED AS A LADYWHO WAS GETTING PUSHED AROUND

BY THIS CHAUVINIST ASSHOLETHAT WORKS AT BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO,

TALKING TO MELIKE I'M SOME FLOOZY.

I AM A PROUD ASIAN-AMERICANWOMAN

AND YOU WILL TREAT MEWITH RESPECT.

IT'S WRONG TO MAKE FUNOF PEOPLE, YOU KNOW,

BUT IT'S SO FUN SOMETIMES.

I'VE WRITTENFOR SOME TV SHOWS,

AND, YOU KNOW,ON A MAJOR TV SHOW,

YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL ABOUTWHAT YOU SAY ABOUT PEOPLE

'CAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLEGET OFFENDED,

OR SO IT HAS BEENEXPLAINED TO ME.

I WAS ONCE--I'LL TELL YOU THIS.

I WAS WRITING FORAN AWARDS SHOW ONCE,

AND I GOT INTO SOME TROUBLE.

I WROTE A JOKEFOR THIS AWARDS SHOW

THAT HAD THE WORD "MIDGET"IN IT.

AND SOMEONE FROM THE NETWORKCAME DOWN TO OUR OFFICES

AND HE SAID TO ME,

"HEY, YOU CAN'T PUT THE WORD'MIDGET' ON TV."

AND I SAID,"I SURE WOULD LIKE TO."

AND HE SAID, "NO, 'MIDGET'IS AS BAD AS THE N-WORD."

FIRST OFF, NO.

NO, IT'S NOT.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW I KNOWIT'S NOT," I SAID TO HIM,

"IS BECAUSE WE'RE SAYINGTHE WORD 'MIDGET'

"AND WE'RE NOT EVEN SAYINGWHAT THE N-WORD IS.

"IF YOU'RE COMPARINGTHE BADNESS OF TWO WORDS,

"AND YOU WON'T EVEN SAYONE OF THEM...

THAT'S THE WORSE WORD."

I DON'T MEAN TO COMPLAINABOUT CENSORSHIP AT ALL, THOUGH,

BECAUSE AS YOU PROBABLYHAVE SEEN BY NOW,

YOU CAN BASICALLY SAYWHATEVER YOU WANT ON TELEVISION.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT.

AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,

YOU SHOULD WATCHA LITTLE PROGRAM CALLED

LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT.

YEAH.

A SHOW THAT I LOVE.

BECAUSE ON THAT SHOW,YOU CAN SAY THE GROSSEST THINGS

YOU'VE EVER HEARDIN YOUR LIFE.

NO, YOU CAN'T SAY LIKETHE F-WORD.

YOU CAN'T SAY THATON SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT.

BUT PEOPLE WALK AROUND ON SVUGOING LIKE,

"LOOKS LIKE THE VICTIM HADANAL CONTUSIONS.

"YO, LOOKS LIKE WE FOUND SEMENAND FECAL MATTER

IN THE VICTIM'S EAR CANAL."

THOSE ARE TWO REAL THINGSTHAT I HEARD

ON LAW & ORDER: SVUAT 3:00 IN THE AFTERNOON,

BOTH SPOKEN BY ICE-T.

HE HANDLES NEW YORK'SMOST SENSITIVE CASES.

I LOVE ICE-T ON SVU.HE IS FANTASTIC.

HE'S AWESOME.

WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT HIM

IS THAT HE'S BEEN WITH THE SVUFOR LIKE, MM, 11 YEARS NOW.

BUT HE STILL TREATS EVERY CASELIKE IT'S HIS FIRST

IN TERMS OF TOTAL CONFUSION.

SOMETIMES THEY'LL BE INTHE MIDDLE OF AN INVESTIGATION

AND ICE-T WILL BE LIKE,"YO, YOU TELLING ME THIS DUDE

GETS OFF ON LITTLE GIRLSWITH PIGTAILS?"

IT'S LIKE, "YEAH, ICE.

"HE'S A PEDOPHILE.

"YOU WORK IN THE SEX CRIMESDIVISION.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GETUSED TO THAT."

YOU KNOW HOW THEY TRYAND TIE IN, LIKE, CURRENT EVENTS

TO EVERY EPISODE OF SVU?

SO THERE WAS THIS EPISODEI SAW A WHILE AGO

THAT WAS ABOUT SEX ADDICTION.

'CAUSE A LOT OF CELEBRITIESHAVE COME OUT AS SEX ADDICTS.

SO THE EPISODE'S ABOUTSEX ADDICTION.

THERE IS A SCENE IN THE EPISODEWHERE THE OTHER DETECTIVES

ARE TRYING TO TEACH ICE-TWHAT SEX ADDICTION IS,

AND IT TAKES A COUPLEOF MINUTES.

AND FINALLY, ICE-T GETS IT.

AND THEY CUT TO HIMIN THIS CLOSE-UP

AND HE GOES,"OH, I GET IT.

"YOU MEAN LIKE WHEN SOMEONEDRINKS TOO MUCH...

OR SNORTS COCAINE...OR BETSTHE HOUSE ON THE PONIES?"

I WAS LIKE,"YEAH, YOU GOT IT, MAN,"

AND I WAS PSYCHEDTHAT ICE-T UNDERSTOOD

SO THAT THEY COULD CONTINUEWITH THE INVESTIGATION.

BUT I COULD'VE WATCHEDANOTHER FOUR HOURS

OF ICE-T JUST NAMINGEXAMPLES.

JUST THAT CLOSE-UPAND ICE-T LIKE,

"OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE SMOKESTOO MANY CIGARETTES?

"OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE SHOPSTOO MUCH WITH CREDIT CARDS?

"OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE PLAYSTOO MANY SCRATCHY LOTTERIES?

"OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONEEATS TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE CAKE?

"OR LIKE WHEN EATS TOO MUCHCHOCOLATE CAKE

AND THEN BARFS IT UP?"

AND HE WOULD JUST KEEP TALKINGAND IT WOULD SLOWLY FADE OUT

AND SAY, "EXECUTIVE PRODUCERDICK WOLF."

THAT'D BE MY IDEAL EPISODE.THAT'D BE A GOOD ONE.

COLD CASE FILES.

ON COLD CASE FILES,THEY SOLVE OLD MURDERS

AND IT'S REALLY INTERESTING.

'CAUSE WHAT I LEARN FROM ITIS THAT IT WAS REALLY EASY

TO GET AWAY WITH MURDERBEFORE THEY KNEW ABOUT DNA.

IT WAS RIDICULOUSLY EASY.

LIKE, WHAT WAS EVEN GOING ONBACK THEN?

WHAT WAS A MURDER INVESTIGATIONLIKE IN 1935?

ONE COP WOULD JUST WALK INAND BE LIKE, "DETECTIVE,

WE FOUND A POOL OF THAT KILLER'SBLOOD IN THAT HALLWAY."

AND HE WOULD JUST BE LIKE,"HMM, GROSS.

"MOP IT UP.

"NOW THEN, BACK TO MY HUNCH.

"HMM...

"LOOK FOR CLUES.

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE'LL DO.

"WE'LL DRAW CHALKAROUND WHERE THE BODY IS.

THAT WAY,WE'LL KNOW WHERE IT WAS."

A COUPLE YEARS AGO, I SAWTHIS MOVIE CALLED PUBLIC ENEMIES

WITH JOHNNY DEPP.

IT WAS ABOUT OLD BANK ROBBERSAND STUFF.

HERE'S HOW EASY IT WASTO GET AWAY WITH BANK ROBBERY

BACK IN THE '30S.

AS LONG AS YOUWEREN'T STILL THERE

WHEN THE POLICE ARRIVED,

YOU HAD A 99% CHANCEOF GETTING AWAY WITH IT.

TO THE POINT THAT, LIKE,THOSE OLD BANK ROBBERS,

THEY TAKE CREDITFOR THE BANK ROBBERIES.

LIKE, THEY COMERUNNING OUT OF THERE

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"HA, HA, HA!

"AND IF ANYONE ASKS,YOU TELL 'EM IT WAS GOLDEN JOE

AND THE SUGGINS GANG!"

AND THEN THEY LIKESHOOT "SUGGINS"

INTO THE SIDE OF THE WALL.

IT'S LIKE, WHAT?WERE BULLETS FREE BACK THEN?

AND THEY DON'T EVENDISGUISE THEMSELVES.

THEY DRESS UPFOR THE BANK ROBBERY.

THEY'RE ROLLING IN THEREIN, LIKE, BIG SUITS AND HATS

LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO CHURCHIN ATLANTA.

THEY MAKE A DAY OF IT.

I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND NOWMYSELF

WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE I'MPROBABLY GAY BASED ON THE WAY

I ACT AND BEHAVE, AND...

I'VE WALKEDAND TALKED FOR 28 YEARS.

I THINK I WAS SUPPOSEDTO BE GAY.

I THINK LIKE IN HEAVEN THEYBUILT, LIKE, 3/4 OF A GAY PERSON

AND THEN THEY FORGOT TO FLIPTHE FINAL SWITCH,

AND THEY JUST SENT ME OUTAND IT WAS LIKE,

"YOU MARKED THAT ONE GAY,RIGHT?

AND IT WAS LIKE,"OH, NO! WAS I SUPPOSED TO?"

AND THEY WERE LIKE,"OH, MAN.

"THIS'LL BE A VERYINTERESTING PERSON.

THIS'LL BEA VERY SILLY PERSON."

I WAS DEFINITELY GAYWHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY.

A LOT OF LITTLE BOYS ARE GAY.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE VERY FLOWY

AND THEY HAVE HARD OPINIONSON THINGS.

I DON'T MEAN THAT I WASA SEXUALLY ACTIVE GAY MAN

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY,THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN.

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY,I WAS MORE LIKE A 67-YEAR-OLD

GAY MAN THAT'S KINDA OVER IT,SEXUALLY, YOU KNOW.

I WAS JUST LIKEAN OLD QUEEN.

I WOULD COME OUTOF THE RECESS YARD AND BE LIKE,

"EVERYONE GET OUTTA MY WAY.

I JUST WANNA SIT HEREAND FEED MY BIRDS."

THE GYM TEACHER WOULD TELL METO PLAY KICKBALL

AND I'D BE LIKE,"YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT?"

REAL QUICK,THIS HAPPENED PRETTY RECENTLY.

I WAS IN A RESTAURANTNEAR HERE IN THE WEST VILLAGE,

AND I WAS AT THE URINALAND AN OLD GAY MAN

CAME IN THE BATHROOMWITH A WALKER LIKE THIS.

AND HE SAID THIS TO ME.

HE WENT, "I'M EITHER HAVINGA DRINK OR I HAVE TO PEE.

YOU'RE LIVING THE GOLDEN YEARS,KID, NOT ME."

LIKE HE SPOKE IN RHYMES.IT WAS CRAZY.

IT WAS SUCH A WEIRD INTERACTIONTHAT I WASN'T SURE

IF IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

I CAME OUT OF THE BATHROOMAND I ASKED MY GIRLFRIEND.

I WAS LIKE,"DID YOU SEE LIKE AN OLD MAN

FOLLOW ME IN THE BATHROOM?"

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "JOHN,THAT BATHROOM'S BEEN CLOSED

"FOR 40 YEARS.

WHOOOOA! WHOOOOA!"

AND I HAVE A GIRLFRIENDAND SHE'S A FEMALE PERSON.

IT'S GOING VERY WELL.I LOVE HER VERY MUCH.

AND SO A FEW MONTHS AGO,SHE WAS LIKE,

"OKAY, IT'S GOING WELL, SO NOWI SHOULD MEET YOUR PARENTS."

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DOWHEN A RELATIONSHIP

IS GOING WELL.

THEY MEET EACH OTHER'SPARENTS.

AND I'VE NEVERUNDERSTOOD THAT.

I'VE NEVER BEENWITH MY GIRLFRIEND

AND THOUGHT LIKE,"OH, HONEY,

"TONIGHT IS GOING GREAT.

"BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULDMAKE IT PERFECT?

CHARLES AND ELLEN MULANEY."

COME ON!

LET'S GET THEM IN THE MIX.

WE'VE BEEN GOING PRETTYHOT AND HEAVY LATELY,

I THINK IT'S TIME WE BRING INTWO OLDER CATHOLIC PEOPLE.

MY GIRLFRIEND'S A FEMALE, ANDTHEN I HAD ALL THESE FRIENDS

THAT ARE FEMALE.

SO WHEN I STARTED DATING HER,I WAS LIKE,

"OH, GREAT,THEY'LL ALL GET ALONG."

NO.

NOT EVEN A LITTLEAT THE BEGINNING.

I DON'T WANNA MAKEANY GENERALIZATIONS ABOUT WOMEN

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW [bleep]ABOUT WOMEN.

BUT THIS ONE THINGI'VE NOTICED

IN MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCEIS THAT

I THINK WOMEN CAN BE FRIENDSWITH EACH OTHER,

BUT I THINK IT CAN BETRICKY SOMETIMES

WHEN YOU TRY AND FORCE WOMENTO HANG OUT WITH EACH OTHER.

I THINK THAT SOMETIMESDOESN'T WORK.

LIKE, I DON'T THINK--

LIKE, YOU COULD NEVERPUT TOGETHER A HEIST OF WOMEN.

DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

LIKE OCEAN'S ELEVEN WITH WOMENWOULDN'T WORK.

'CAUSE TWO WOULD KEEPBREAKING OFF

TO TALK [bleep]ABOUT THE OTHER NINE.

OR NOT EVEN TALK [bleep],

JUST SAY WEIRDPASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE THINGS

WHILE THEY BREAKINTO THE CASINO.

JUST BE LIKE, "OH, I LOVEHOW YOU JUST WEAR ANYTHING."

I LISTEN TO EVERYTHINGMY GIRLFRIEND SAYS.

I DON'T MEANSHE BOSSES ME AROUND.

I JUST LISTEN TO EVERYTHINGSHE SAYS

BECAUSE, BEFOREI HAD A GIRLFRIEND,

I NEVER HAD SOMEONE WHO'SALWAYS STANDING NEXT TO ME

WHO CAN JUST POINT OUT OBVIOUSTHINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING.

LIKE, WE'LL BEIN A RESTAURANT,

AND MY GIRLFRIENDWILL BE LIKE,

"YOU ORDERED YOUR FOODAN HOUR AGO.

IT SHOULD BE HERE BY NOW."

AND I'M LIKE,"YEAH, IT SHOULD!"

IT'S LIKE HAVING A LAWYERFOR EVERYDAY LIFE.

SHE'LL BE LIKE,"THE BUS DRIVER SHOULDN'T TALK

TO YOU THAT WAY."

AND I'M LIKE,"NO, HE SHOULDN'T!"

BEFORE I HAD A GIRLFRIEND,

I HAD NO STANDARDFOR HOW I SHOULD BE TREATED

AS A HUMAN BEING.

YOU COULD DO ANYTHING TO ME.

I WAS JUST LIKEA YOUNG MOTOWN SINGER.

I WAS JUST SHINY AND DUMBAND EASY TO TRICK.

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MAN,YOU GONNA GIVE ME A WHOLE $100

"FOR ALL OF MY SONGS?

WHERE DO I SIGN,MR. BERRY GORDY?"

AND NOW WHEN I'M NOTWITH MY GIRLFRIEND,

YOU CAN STILL DOANYTHING TO ME.

I WILL TOLERATEANY TREATMENT.

LIKE, I TRAVEL ALONESOMETIMES, YOU KNOW.

AND I'LL PUT UPWITH ANYTHING.

LIKE, I'LL BOOK A TICKETON SOME GARBAGE AIRLINE.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANNA NAMEAN ACTUAL AIRLINE,

SO LET'S JUST MAKE ONE UP.

LET'S CALL IT LIKEDELTA AIRLINES.

SO I'LL BOOK A TICKETON DELTA AIRLINES.

AND I'LL SHOW UPAT THE AIRPORT.

AND I GO, "CAN I GETON THE PLANE NOW, PLEASE?"

AND THEY GO,"NO, IT'S DELAYED NINE HOURS."

[spits]

AND I GO, "OKAY."AND THEN I GO TO THE BATHROOM.

AND THEN I COME OUTOF THE BATHROOM,

AND I GO, "ANY UPDATES?"AND THEY GO, "YEAH.

"WE TOOK OFF WHILE YOU WEREIN THE BATHROOM...

"BECAUSE WE HATE YOU.

"NOW TAKE THIS MEAL VOUCHERTHAT DOESN'T WORK.

GO, FETCH!"

AND I GO, "OKAY."

AND I GO OVER TOTHE WOLFGANG PUCK EXPRESS

AND I GO, "CAN I HAVEA SANDWICH PLEASE?"

AND THEY GO, "NO!"

AND I GO, "OKAY."

AND THEY GO, "YOU'REA LITTLE FAT GIRL, AREN'T YOU?"

AND I GO, "NO."AND THEY GO, "SAY IT!"

AND I GO,"I'M A LITTLE FAT GIRL."

AND THEN I GO OVERTO THE DELTA HELP DESK

WHICH IS AN OXYMORONAND I GO,

"CAN I PLEASE GO HOMEON AN AIRPLANE?"

AND THEY GO, "NO.

"IN FACT, WE'RE GONNA FRAME YOUFOR MURDER.

AND YOU'RE GONNA GO TO JAILFOR 30 YEARS."

AND I GO, "WHY ARE YOUDOING THIS TO ME?"

AND THEY GO, "♪ BECAUSEWE'RE DELTA AIRLINES ♪

♪ AND LIFE ISA [bleep] NIGHTMARE ♪"

BUT WITH MY GIRLFRIENDSHE WOULD JUST BE LIKE,

I KEEP THINGS VERY BOTTLED UP,AND I DON'T DRINK.

WHICH IS NOT WHATYOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO

WHEN YOU'RE IRISH.

I DON'T DRINK.

I USED TO DRINKAND THEN I DRANK TOO MUCH

AND I HAD TO STOP.

THAT SURPRISES A LOTOF AUDIENCES

BECAUSE I DON'T LOOK LIKESOMEONE WHO USED TO DO ANYTHING.

I LOOK LIKE I WAS JUST SITTINGIN A ROOM IN A CHAIR

EATING SALTINESFOR LIKE 28 YEARS

AND THEN I WALKEDRIGHT OUT HERE.

NOW I, MYSELF--I QUIT DRINKING

'CAUSE I USED TO DRINKTOO MUCH

AND THEN I WOULD BLACK OUTAND I WOULD "RUIN PARTIES."

SO I WOULD HEAR STORIESABOUT MYSELF.

HERE'S A STORYI ONCE HEARD ABOUT ME.

I GUESS I WAS 20 AND I WASAT A PARTY AT SOMEONE'S HOUSE

AND I HAD BLACKED OUTDRINKING,

AND SOMEONE CAME OUT OF ONEOF THE ROOMS AT THIS PARTY

HOLDING LIKEAN OLD ANTIQUE BOTTLE

WITH SOME LIQUID IN IT,AND THEY SAID,

"HEY, IS THIS WHISKEYOR PERFUME?"

AND APPARENTLY I GRABBED IT,DRANK ALL OF IT,

AND SAID, "IT'S PERFUME."

IN HIGH SCHOOL.

WE HAD THIS TEACHERIN HIGH SCHOOL

WHOSE KID WENTTO OUR HIGH SCHOOL.

HIS NAME WAS MR. MCNAMARAAND HIS SON JAKE MCNAMARA

WENT TO OUR HIGH SCHOOL.

HE WAS A SOPHOMOREWHEN I WAS A SENIOR.

SO HE WAS TWO YEARSBEHIND ME.

AND MR. MCNAMARAWAS AN ASS[bleep].

AND ONE WEEKEND,HE AND HIS WIFE

DECIDED TO LEAVE TOWN,

WHICH YOU SHOULD NEVER DOIF YOU'RE AN ASS[bleep].

AND JAKE MCNAMARADECIDED TO THROW A PARTY

AT THE TEACHER'S HOUSE.HOORAY!

AND EVERYONE AROUND TOWNHEARD ABOUT IT

AND WE ALL GOT UP INDIVIDUALLYAND THOUGHT,

"OKAY, LET'S GO OVER THEREAND DESTROY THE PLACE."

I WALKED INTO THIS PARTY.

EVERYONE I HAD EVER METWAS THERE.

AND EVERYONE WAS DRINKING LIKEIT WAS THE END OF THE WORLD.

PEOPLE WERE DRINKING LIKEIT WAS THE CIVIL WAR

AND A DOCTOR WAS COMINGTO SAW OUR LEGS OFF.

IT WAS TOTALLY UNSUPERVISED.

WE WERE LIKE DOGSWITHOUT HORSES.

WE WERE RUNNING WILD.

I WALKED DOWN--

I WALKED DOWN TO THE BASEMENT.

THEY HAD A POOL TABLEIN THE BASEMENT.

ONE DUDE TOOK A RUNNING START

AND THREW HIS BODY ONTOTHE POOL TABLE

AND BROKE IT IN HALF.

ANOTHER KID FOUND OUTWHICH ROOM WAS MR. MCNAMARA'S

AND WENT UPSTAIRS AND TOOKA [bleep] ON HIS COMPUTER.

SO THE PARTY WAS GOING GREAT.

I'M STANDING IN THE BASEMENT,

AND I'M HOLDING A RED CUPYOU SEE IN MOVIES.

AND I'M STANDING THEREAND I'M HOLDING A RED CUP

AND I'M STARTING TO BLACK OUTAND I GUESS SOMEONE SAID LIKE

"SOMETHING SOMETHING POLICE."

AND IN A BRILLIANT MOMENTOF WORD ASSOCIATION,

I YELLED "[bleep] DA POLICE!

[bleep] DA POLICE!"

AND EVERYONE ELSE JOINED IN.

100 DRUNK WHITE CHILDREN

YELLING"[bleep]...DA...PO-LICE"

WITH THE CONFIDENCE OF GUYSWHO HAVE ALREADY BEEN TO JAIL

AND AREN'T AFRAID OF ITANYMORE.

YOU KNOW THAT LIKE"I SERVED MY NICKEL!

YOU COME AND TAKE ME"CONFIDENCE.

WAS BECAUSE THE POLICEWERE THERE.

SO A CHICAGO POLICE OFFICERWALKED DOWN THE STAIRS

AND GOT TO THE BOTTOMIN THE BASEMENT

AND LOOKED OUT OVER A SEAOF DRUNK TODDLERS

YELLING "[bleep] THE POLICE"IN HIS FACE.

AND HE WAS ALMOST IMPRESSED.

HE WAS LIKE[whispering] "WOW."

AND THEN HE LEANEDINTO HIS WALKIE-TALKIE

AND WENT "GET THE PADDY WAGON."

AND MY FRIEND JOHN,WHO IS NOW A FATHER--

THIS MAN NOW HAS A BABY--

HE GRABBED A 40,SMASHED IT ON THE GROUND,

AND YELLED "SCATTER!"

AND EVERYONE RANIN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.

WE ALL RAN IN DIFFERENTDIRECTIONS.

IT WAS LIKE THAT SCENEIN RATATOUILLE

WHEN THE HUMANS COMEIN THE KITCHEN

AND ALL THE RATSGO IN DIFFERENT WAYS.

WE ALL RAN IN DIFFERENTDIRECTIONS.

I RAN INTO THE LAUNDRY ROOM

AND I JUMPED UPON THE WASHING MACHINE

AND I CRAWLED OUT THROUGHA WINDOW INTO THE BACKYARD

AND NOW I'M RUNNINGTHROUGH THE BACKYARD

AND THERE WAS THISBIG CHAIN LINK FENCE

AND I THOUGHT I'VE NEVER CLIMBEDA FENCE THAT HIGH BEFORE.

ON MONDAY, I WENT TO SCHOOL.

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE DIDBACK THEN.

AND I'M WALKINGINTO THE SCHOOL BUILDING

AND WHO DO I SEEBUT JAKE MCNAMARA.

AND HE SAYS TO ME

"HEY, WERE YOU AT MY PARTYON SATURDAY?"

AND I SAID "NO."YOU KNOW, LIKE A LIAR.

AND HE SAID"THINGS GOT REALLY OUTTA HAND.

"SOMEONE BROKE THE POOL TABLE.

"SOMEONE TOOK A SHITON MY DAD'S COMPUTER.

BUT THE WORST THING"HE SAYS--

"THE WORST THING IS THATSOMEONE STOLE THESE OLD

"ANTIQUE PHOTOSOF MY GRANDMOTHER

AND MY PARENTS AREFREAKING OUT ABOUT IT."

AND I HAD THAT THOUGHT

THAT ONLY BLACKOUT DRUNKSAND STEVE URKEL CAN HAVE.

DID I DO THAT?

I FIGURED NO,I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.

BUT I WAS NEVER SURE,UNTIL TWO YEARS LATER--

RELAX.

I'M PLAYING VIDEO GAMESWITH THIS KID NAMED ALEX

THAT WE ALSO WENTTO HIGH SCHOOL WITH.

TWO YEARS LATER,WE'VE GRADUATED BY NOW.

WE'RE PLAYING VIDEO GAMESFOR A COUPLE HOURS,

AND THEN ALEX SAYS TO ME,"HEY, COME HERE.

I WANNA SHOW YOU SOMETHING."

AND HE TAKES MEINTO HIS BEDROOM

AND THEN HE TAKES MEINTO A SIDE ROOM

OFF OF HIS BEDROOM.

NEVER A GOOD THINGTO HAVE.

HE SHOWS ME A TINY ROOMTHAT IS COVERED WALL TO WALL

IN STOLEN ANTIQUE PHOTOSFROM DIFFERENT PEOPLE'S PARTIES

OVER THE YEARS.

AND I SAID "WHY?

WHY DO YOU DO THIS?"

AND ALEX SAID

I WAS OUT TO LUNCH WITH A FRIENDAND I GOT A CHICKEN SANDWICH.

AND THE WAITRESS SAID TO ME,

"OH, YOU'RE GETTINGA CHICKEN SANDWICH.

WELL, THAT COMES WITH A CHOICEOF EITHER SALAD OR FRIES."

THOSE WERE THE CHOICES--SALAD OR FRIES.

THE TWO MOST DIFFERENT FOODSIN THE UNIVERSE.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING WHAT KINDADAY DO YOU WANNA HAVE?

DO YOU WANNA BE ACTIVE AND GOTO THE BATHROOM AND STUFF?

OR DO YOU WANNA LAYON THE FLOOR MOANING?

"OH, YOU'RE GETTINGA CHICKEN SANDWICH?

"WELL, WITH THAT,YOU CAN EITHER GO FOR A JOG

OR SMOKE CRACK COCAINE."

"OH, HUH, WELL...

"IF I GOT A PLATE OF CRACKFOR THE TABLE,

"WOULD YOU HAVE SOME?

"YOU'D HAVE CRACKIF I GOT A PLATE OF CRACK?

YEAH, OKAY. YEAH, WE'LL TAKEAN ORDER OF CRACK."

SOMETIMES WHEN PEOPLEORDER FRIES,

THEY ACT LIKEIT'S A LITTLE ADVENTURE.

THEY'LL BE LIKE "SHOULD WE GETA PLATE OF FRIES FOR THE TABLE?

"SHOULD WE DO IT?

SHOULD WE SHARE SOME FRIES?"

THEY GOTTA MAKE SURE THATEVERYONE'S ONBOARD WITH IT.

IT'S LIKE, "IF I GET FRIES,YOU'LL HAVE A COUPLE, RIGHT?

"IF I GET FRIES FOR THE TABLE,YOU'LL HAVE--

"I KNOW YOU'LL HAVE FRIESIF I GET FRIES.

"SHOULD WE DO IT?YEAH, LET'S BE BAD.

"COME ON, LET'S DO IT.ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE GONNA TAKE A PLATEOF FRIES."

IT'S LIKE A GROUP OF COUPLESAGREEING TO DO ECSTASY TOGETHER.

I LIVE IN NEW YORK, NOW.

AND SOMETIMES YOU SEE THINGSTHAT CAN MAKE YOU ANXIOUS.

YOU'LL SEE TROUBLING THINGSOUT ON THE STREET.

YEARS AGO, I WAS WALKINGDOWN THE STREET

AND A HOMELESS GUYCAME UP TO ME

AND HE WALKED UP TO MEAND HE PUSHED ME LIKE THAT.

HE PUSHED ME IN THE CHEST.

AND THEN HE SAIDTHESE THINGS IN THIS ORDER.

PUSHED ME AND HE SAID"EXCUSE ME, I AM HOMELESS.

"I AM GAY.I HAVE AIDS.

I'M NEW IN TOWN."

YOU'RE GONNA CLOSE WITH"NEW IN TOWN"?

THAT IS NOT THE MOST DRAMATICTHING THAT YOU JUST SAID.

AS THEY SAY IN THE MOVIE JERRY MAGUIRE,

"YOU HAD ME AT AIDS."

HERE'S HOW I WOULD'VEORDERED THOSE THINGS.

I WOULD'VE SAID"EXCUSE ME.

I'M NEW IN TOWNAND IT GETS WORSE."

DIDN'T THAT GUY PRACTICEHIS PITCH AT ALL

IN THE MIRROR THAT MORNING

AND JUST FIGURE OUTWHAT HE WAS GONNA SAY?

JUST LIKE IN THE MORNINGJUST BE LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT,WHAT AM I GONNA DO TODAY?

"WHAT I'M GONNA DO?

"I'LL WALK UP AND SAY HELLO.NO, THAT'S TOO SUBTLE.

I'M GONNA PUSH HIM."

"I'M GONNA PUSH HIM.

"AND I'M GONNA SAY,'I'M NEW IN TOWN.'

"NO, NO, HOLD BACK.HOLD BACK.

SAVE IT.BUILD TO THAT."

I'LL BE LIKE,I'LL WALK UP TO HIM,

I'LL PUSH HIM.

I'LL GO, "I HAVE AIDS."

NO, THAT'S TOO STRONG.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL WALK UP TO HIMAND--AND I'LL PUSH HIM.

I WILL START WITH THE FACTTHAT I AM HOMELESS,

AS THAT IS A GIVEN.

THEN, FOR A BACK STORY,

I WILL PEPPER IN THE FACTTHAT I AM GAY.

WHICH I KNOW, IT'S TOUGHFOR GAY YOUTHS ON THE STREET,

BUT THAT'S NOT, LIKE,A REASON FOR MONEY.

YOU CAN'T BE LIKE,"HEY, WOULD YOU HELP ME OUT?

I'M VERY GAY.I'D LIKE A FEW DOLLARS."

I ALWAYS LOVE HOWHE PHRASED IT, BY THE WAY.

HE DIDN'T SAY,"I'M LIVING ON THE STREET."

HE SAID, "I'M NEW IN TOWN,"

LIKE IT WAS INTRIGUING.

LIKE HE WANTED ME TOSET HIM UP WITH SOMEBODY.

LIKE I HAVE A FRIENDWHO'S LIKE,

"THERE'S NO SINGLE GUYSLEFT IN MANHATTAN."

AND I'M LIKE, "I KNOW SOMEONEWHO'S NEW IN TOWN."

"WHAT ARE THREE OTHER THINGSABOUT HIM?"

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