Comedy Central Presents
Season 2

CC Presents: Patton Oswalt

  • Season 2, Ep 12
  • 09/03/1999

Patton Oswalt takes on people who hate laughing and tales of marijuana tackle boxes.

YOU KNOW... REMEMBER WHEN YOUWERE A LITTLE KID

AND, UH, YOUR FRIENDSWOULD BE OUT PLAYING A GAME--

LIKE, UH, "COWBOYS AND INDIANS"OR "FORT"--

SOME GAME WHERE THERE WAS,LIKE, FAKE BOUNDARIES?

SO THEY WOULD SAY:

"OKAY, UH, THE BIKE PATHOVER AT THE SKAFFETYS' IS LAVA

"AND IF YOU TOUCH THAT,YOU'RE DEAD.

"AND THEN THE HEDGES OVER AT THESLINGERLANDS' ARE POISON SNAKES.

"AND IF YOU GO OVER THERE

"THEY'LL BITE YOUAND YOU'RE DEAD.

AND THOSE ARE THE BOUNDARIES."

BUT YOU WEREN'T THEREWHEN THEY STARTED PLAYING...

LIKE, YOU SHOW UP LATER'CAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO THE POOL.

YOU'RE, LIKE, "HEY, GUYS,WE'RE GOING TO GO TO THE POOL."

AND THEY SAY, "HEY, DON'T TOUCHTHE BIKE PATH, IT'S LAVA!

DON'T... THE HEDGES ARE SNAKES!"

AND YOU'VE GOT TO SAY,"OH, I'M NOT...

"GUYS, I WASN'T HEREWHEN YOU DID ALL THAT.

"I'M JUST GOING TO THE POOL.

IT DOESN'T AFFECT ME."

DO YOU KNOW WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT?

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH HOW I TREATTHE POT LAWS IN THIS COUNTRY.

KIND OF THE SAME WAY,YOU KNOW, JUST THE WHOLE...

PATTON, YOU... YOU CAN'T...

( audience whooping )

"YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT,IT'S ILLEGAL."

IT... OH, I'M NOT...

GO AHEAD, I WASN'T HEREWHEN YOU DID ALL THAT.

YEAH, I KNOW.

OKAY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I KNOW, IT'S "LAVA."

IT'S JUST MARIJUANA.DON'T WORRY.

SEE? IT'S FINE.

DON'T WORRY.

I READ THE OBITUARIES A LOTBECAUSE IT JUST SEEMS TO ME

THAT PEOPLE THAT WRITETHE OBITUARIES

EITHER WANT TO BE P.R. PEOPLE

OR THEY'RE FAILED P.R. PEOPLE

AND THEY, YOU KNOW, THEY'RETRYING TO KEEP IT GOING.

"HEY, LOOK, I SPUN DEATH."

UH, FOR INSTANCE,IN THE OBITUARIES

NO ONE EVER DIES OF CANCER

PEOPLE ALWAYS "GIVE IN AFTERA VALIANT BATTLE WITH CANCER"

OR THEY "THROW IN THE TOWELAFTER A COURAGEOUS FIGHT."

WHICH, STATISTICALLY,THAT CAN'T BE POSSIBLE.

THERE HAD TO HAVE BEEN A COUPLEOF COWARDLY ORDEALS IN THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE: "BOB SMITH DIED TODAY

"AFTER A CRAVEN, COWARDLYORDEAL WITH CANCER

"DURING WHICHHE WISHED THE DISEASE

"ON HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS...

( audience laughing )

"AND ATTEMPTED A PACT WITH SATAN

"WHICH LEFT HIS BASEMENTCOVERED IN GOAT'S BLOOD AND...

"FOUR BOXES OF CHALKNEEDLESSLY WASTED

"TRYING TO SUMMON A DEMONWHO NEVER APPEARED.

"THE FEW MOURNERSWHO SHOWED UP AT THIS FUNERAL

"HAD A HARD TIME NOT GIGGLING.

GOOD RIDDANCE."

MY OTHER BIG OBITUARY FEAR IS

WHEN I DIE,THEY'LL HAVE MY PICTURE

AND THEN THEY ALWAYS HAVEUNDERNEATH IT, IN QUOTES:

"HE LOVED TO LAUGH.

OH, HE LOVED TO LAUGH!"

WELL, THAT DOESN'TTELL YOU ANYTHING.

HEY, EVERYBODY LOVES TO LAUGH.YOU'RE LAUGHING.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING:

"HE HUNGERED FOR FOODSO OFTEN IN HIS LIFE.

"HE GOT THESE INSANE CRAVINGS.

"HE TRIED TO GIVE IT UP.

"HE'D HAVE A BIG BREAKFAST ANDSAY, 'THAT'S IT! COLD TURKEY!'

"AND THEN AT LUNCH,HE'D WANT SOME COLD TURKEY.

"IT WAS PATHETIC.

"BATTLED IT ALONGSIDEOF HIS SLEEP ADDICTION.

"OH, THAT SLEEP ADDICTIONWAS A MONKEY ON HIS BACK.

"HE'D GO 18, 20 HOURS,BUT SOONER OR LATER

"HE'D LOOK FOR A 'BED'TO 'LIE DOWN IN'

"AS THE CRAZY SLEEP JUNKIESWOULD SAY

"IN THAT WEIRD STREET LINGOOF THEIRS:

"I'M GOING TO GO TAKE A 'NAP.'

WHAT'S THAT HEP CAT SAYING?"

ALTHOUGH, I CAN'T THINK OFANYTHING CREEPIER

THAN WATCHING SOMEONE LAUGH

WHO HATES TO LAUGH.

HOW DISTURBING WOULD THAT LOOK?

YOU TELL THEM AND JOKEAND THEY'RE, LIKE:

"OH, LAUGHTER!"

( growling )

LOOK AT MY SET.THEY BUILT ME A SET.

OH, ALL THE MONEY.

I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES RIGHT NOW.

I LOVE GOING TO,LIKE, OLD MOVIES.

I'M A REAL FILM BUFF.

AND LOS ANGELES IS THE PLACETO GO TO A LOT OF MOVIES.

THEY SHOW OLD MOVIESALL THE TIME.

BUT, UNFORTUNATELY,YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEM

WITH PEOPLE THAT LIVEIN LOS ANGELES.

AND A LOT OF THEM,THEY'LL GO TO THESE OLD MOVIES

BUT THEY'LL BRING THEIRBULL( beep )

LIKE, STARBUCKS LIBERALISMWITH THEM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AS IF IT STILL APPLIES TO THEMOVIES THAT THEY'RE WATCHING.

LIKE, THEY WERE SHOWINGJOHN WAYNE'S THE SEARCHERS.

THE SEARCHERS--

ONE OF THE GREATEST FILMSEVER MADE.

WE'RE WATCHING ITIN THE MANN'S CHINESE--

"OH, MAN, THIS IS AMAZING."SO THE MOVIE STARTS UP.

THE FIRST TITLE COMES UP:

"TEXAS, 1868."

TEXAS.

1868.

SO THIS WOMANTWO SEATS DOWN FROM ME

STARTS REACTING TO THE FILMAS IF IT WERE MADE TODAY.

SHE STARTS GOING: "OH, WELL,LET THE WOMEN CLEAR THE TABLE

"WHILE THE MEN JUST SIT THEREAND TALK; OKAY.

"AND LET'S ALL BE RACIST TOTHE INDIANS WHILE WE'RE AT IT.

THAT'S GOOD."

UM...

MA'AM, IT'S THE OLD WEST, OKAY?

IT WAS SETTLED BY BIG, WHITE,RACIST PSYCHOPATHS.

I'M SORRY, THOSE ARE THE GUYSTHAT SETTLED IT.

IT WASN'T SETTLEDBY GAP GREETERS

AND JAMBA JUICE EMPLOYEESON THEIR BREAK.

IT WOULD'VE BEEN NICE,BUT NO.

NO.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

IF I HAD SETTLED THIS COUNTRY

WE'D BE DEAD RIGHT NOW.YOU'D BE DEAD.

'CAUSE I'D HAVE BEEN OUT THEREGOING, "AH, MY INNER CHILD

DOESN'T FEEL LIKE CHOPPING WOODTODAY; I HAVE A..."

"WE'RE GOING TO DIE,YOU IDIOT!"

"I KNOW, BUT I WAS READING,UH, ANDREA DWORKIN

AND SHE SAYS THE MALES..."

"PLEASE KILL AN ANIMALSO WE CAN EAT!

PLEASE!"

WE'RE AT WAR, RIGHT?

I-I'M ONLY... I'M ONLY SAYING"WE'RE AT WAR"

BECAUSE I TURNED ON CNNLAST WEEK

AND THERE WASA GREEN CITY ON TV.

WHENEVER YOU TURN ON CNNAND THERE'S A GREEN CITY

WITH WHITE DOTS OVER IT

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, OH,I GUESS WE NEED OIL.

"HEY, HONEY, WE SHOULD GOFILL THE CAR UP.

THE OIL PRICES..."

AS I SPEAK TO MY WIFEWHO DOESN'T EXIST.

"HONEY, WE SHOULD GO GET..."

THE... MY PHANTOM WIFE.

UM...

THESE WAR REPORTERS, TOO,FOR CNN

THEY TRY TO MAKE OUTLIKE THEY'RE STILL

THAT WHOLE EDWARD MURROW:

"I'M IN LONDONWHILE THEY'RE BOMBING US."

OR "I'M IN THE JUNGLESOF VIETNAM."

THESE GUYS ARE IN A DAYS INN

MILES AWAY FROM THE SHELLING

STILL TRYING TO COME ON LIKETHEY'RE KING SWAGGERCOCK.

"YEAH, I'M IN THE MIDDLEOF THE WAR-- LOOK OUT."

AND THESE GUYS TRYTO PLAY IT UP, LIKE:

YES, WE'RE IN THE DAYS INN.

THE SHELLING HAS STARTED.

WE'VE LOST SPECTRAVISION,BERNIE, WE HAVE... UH...

I'M NOT... I DON'T KNOWHOW BLA ENDS.

WESLEY WAS FIGHTINGTHE VAMPIRES

AND HE LOOKED LIKE HE WASDOING WELL, BUT WHO KNOWS?

IT'S JUST...IT'S PURE HELL, BERNIE.

IT IS PURE... BLACK IS WHITE,WHITE IS BLACK. IT'S CHAOS.

I ORDERED A SANDWICH.

I SPECIFICALLY SAID,"NO MAYONNAISE."

THE SANDWICH CAME SLATHERED,BERNIE

"SLATHERED" IS THE ONLY WORDI CAN USE

FOR THE AMOUNT OF MAYONNAISE...

WE... WE SENT IT BACK.

WE'RE PRAYING THAT--

PLEASE KEEP US IN YOUR PRAYERS--

THAT THE SANDWICH WILL COME BACKWITH NO MAYONNAISE.

MUSTARD ON THE SIDE, I KNOWIS WAY TOO MUCH TO HOPE FOR

BUT JUST THE "NO MAYONNAISE"WOULD GIVE ME

SOME SEMBLANCE OF SANITY.

BERNIE, THE SANDWICHES ARE HERE.

THEY'RE WHEELINGTHE SANDWICHES IN.

WE'RE GOING TO LOOK.

THERE'S NO MAYONNAISEON MY SANDWICH, BERNIE.

THERE IS NO MAYONNAISE.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

THIS IS A TERRIFIC CITY

BUT IT DOES NOT HOLD A CANDLETO AMSTERDAM.

I WENT TO AMSTERDAM LAST YEAR.

HAS ANYBODY EVER BEEN THERE?

OH, MAN!

I WAS LIKE TEMPLETON THE RATIN CHARLOTTE'S WEB

JUST RUNNING AROUND:

"OH, HOOKERS AND POT!"

IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

AND BEING, LIKE, A TYPICALAMERICAN JACKASS

I DECIDED TO GO TO THE COFFEESHOPS AND GET A LITTLE MARIJUANA

UM, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHATAMERICANS DO.

SO, UM... AND I WAS LIKEGOLDILOCKS.

I WAS SO SELECTIVE.

THIS SHOP'S TOO NEW WAVE.

THIS ONE'S TOO REGGAE.

AND I FOUND THE PERFECT SHOP.

IT WAS CALLED "THE DOLPHIN"ON THE KEIZERSGRACHT.

YOU KNOW HOW I KNEWIT WAS PERFECT?

'CAUSE THE MIX TAPEWHEN I WENT IN--

SUPERGRASS, ELVIS COSTELLOAND THE BEASTIE BOYS--

THE HOLY TRIUMVIRATE!

SO, NOW, THE STORY THAT

I'M GOING TO HAVETO TELL IS TRUE.

THIS ALL HAPPENED...

AND I WISH IT DIDN'T...

'CAUSE IT SOUNDS FAKE.

BUT THIS ALL HAPPENED THE WAYI'M ABOUT TO DESCRIBE IT.

I... IT SOUNDS VERY ZEMECKIS,BUT IT'S REAL.

AND KEEP IN MIND THAT IT'S 4:30IN THE AFTERNOON

WHEN THIS HAPPENS

WHICH MEANT IT WAS 8:30 INTHE MORNING BACK IN LOS ANGELES.

SO PLEASE KEEP THAT IN MIND.

SO I GO IN AND, UH...I ASK TO SEE THE POT MENU.

NOW, WHEN YOU GOINTO THE COFFEE SHOPS

AND YOU WANT TO SEE THE POT MENU

THEY EITHER BRING OUTA THREE-RING BINDER

WITH THEM ALL IN POCKETS

OR IN THIS CASE,SHE BROUGHT OUT THIS TACKLE BOX

THAT SHE OPENED LIKEA FLOWER OF JOY.

AND...

SO I'M LOOKING AT ALL THESE.

AND I'M TRYING TO BEALL DEREK FLINT, MATT HELM

INTERNATIONAL COOL, LIKE:

THE THAI LOOKS A LITTLE SHAGGY

I DON'T KNOW... YEAH.

OF COURSE, INSIDE, I'M LIKE...

( wild laughter )

WHOO!

SO...

FINALLY, I SAY, "LOOK, I'M NOTGOING TO DO ANYTHING

"FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS

"SO JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING

THAT'S GOING TO GETRIGHT ON TOP OF MY BOO-BOO."

AND SHE SAID, "YOU WANT THEWHITE WIDOW FROM AFGHANISTAN."

SO, I GO, "YEAH, I'LL TAKETHE WHITE WIDOW."

NOW SHE SHOULD HAVEWARNED ME, THOUGH

THE BEST MARIJUANA YOU SMOKEIN THE UNITED STATES

YOU MAY AS WELL BESMOKING SHOELACES

COMPARED TO THE STUFFTHEY HAVE OVER THERE.

AND THE BUD SHE SELECTED FOR ME

LEFT ITS PARENTS ON KRYPTON,ALL RIGHT?

SO SHE... STARTS... MAKING...

LIKE, SHE GOES,"I CAN PUT IT IN A COOKIE

I CAN MAKE TEA ORI CAN ROLL YOU A JOINT."

AND I SAID,"YOU CAN ROLL ME A JOINT."

SO... SHE...

STARTS ROLLING THIS JOINT

AND TO GIVE YOU AN IDEAOF THE CARE AND CONCERN

AND CRAFTSMANSHIPTHAT WENT INTO MY JOINT

UM, JUST AS SHE BEGAN ROLLING IT

QUEEN'S "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS"STARTED PLAYING ON THE MIX TAPE.

THAT'S WHAT STARTED PLAYING!

IT TOOK HER THE ENTIRE SONGTO ROLL IT.

THE ENTIRE SONG!

SHE WAS TAKING OUTSTEMS AND SEEDS.

OH, ROLLING IT SO NICE. HI.

AND...

SO SHE'S, LIKE, ROLLING IT.

AND THEN SHE STARTS, LIKE,LICKING IT...

OH... TO SEAL IT.

LOOKING RIGHT AT ME.

I WENT... HI...

( gibberish )

AND...

IT'S 4:30 IN THE AFTERNOONIN AMSTERDAM.

WHICH MEANT IT WAS 8:30IN THE MORNING BACK IN L.A.

IF I HAD KEPT MY WRITING JOB

ON THIS SKETCH SHOWI USED TO BE ON

I WOULD JUST THEN BE WAKING UPTO GO IN

AND PITCH SKETCHES THATI DON'T WANT TO WRITE.

LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW

"HOW ABOUT 'MIDNIGHT

IN THE OLIVE GARDENOF GOOD AND EVIL?'

AW, WHAT? COME ON!"

INSTEAD, I'M IN AMSTERDAMIN A COFFEE SHOP

WHERE THIS BLONDE,NORDIC GIANTESS

IS CAREFULLY LICKINGMY JOINT CLOSED

WHILE QUEEN'S "WE ARE THECHAMPIONS" PLAYS ON A MIX TAPE.

MY LIFE ROCKED!

( applause and cheers )

FOR A MINUTE!

IF YOU GO TO AMSTERDAM

YOU'VE GOT TO GOTO THE ANNE FRANK HOUSE.

NO, IT WAS REALLY EMOTIONAL.IT WAS REALLY SPIRITUAL.

I JUST COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

YOU GO IN AND IT'STHE ACTUAL HOUSE.

BUT I DIDN'T KNOWTHAT YOU HAD TO PAY TO GET IN.

I THOUGHT YOU COULD JUST...

IT WAS A HISTORICAL...

I THOUGHT YOU JUST GO INAND YOU TAKE THE TOUR.

AND THERE'S THIS BIG BOOTHIN THE LOBBY

AND I THOUGHT, "WELL,THAT'S AN INFORMATION BOOTH."

AND I JUST BREEZED ON BY,UPSTAIRS I WENT-- WHOO.

STARTED TAKING THE TOUR.

SO THE WOMAN DOWNSTAIRS IS,LIKE:

"DID THAT GUY JUST NOT PAY?

HE DIDN'T PAY."

SO SHE COMES UP THE STAIRSAFTER ME.

NOW, WHEN I GOTO OTHER COUNTRIES

THIS IS GOING TO SOUNDKIND OF LAME

BUT I SORT OF THINK OF MYSELFAS AN AMBASSADOR

INSOFAR AS I DON'T WANT TO BE ATYPICAL AMERICAN DOUCHE NOZZLE.

AND GETTING THROWN OUTOF THE ANNE FRANK HOUSE?

THAT'S IT.

I MEAN, YOU'VE WON THE DOUCHENOZZLE SWEEPSTAKES, SO...

SHE'S LOOKING FOR ME

AND I'M... I'M ALREADYON THE THIRD FLOOR.

I'M, LIKE, "OH, MAN,WHAT DO I DO?"

SO I HID BEHIND THIS BOOKCASEON THE THIRD FLOOR.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO GO.

SO... SHE WAS LOOKING FOR MEFOR, LIKE, HALF AN HOUR

SO I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

SO I KEPT THIS DIARYWHILE I WAS BACK THERE

'CAUSE I WAS JUST BORED

I DIDN'T, YOU KNOW, I DIDN'TKNOW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.

SO I'D LIKE TO READ AN EXCERPTFROM THE DIARY THAT I KEPT

WHILE I WAS THERE.

( clears throat )

"SATURDAY, JANUARY 10:

"I DIDN'T KNOWTHAT YOU HAD TO PAY

"TO GET INTOTHE ANNE FRANK HOUSE...

"AND NOW I'M HIDING BEHINDA BOOKCASE ON THE THIRD FLOOR.

"WHEN WILL PEOPLE LEARNTHAT YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT CLEAR

"WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PAYTO GET INTO A HISTORIC LANDMARK

"LIKE THE ANNE FRANK HOUSE

"SO THAT PEOPLE LIKE MENEED NOT LIVE IN FEAR?

"STILL, I BELIEVE PEOPLEARE BASICALLY GOOD.

"AND I HOPE SOMEDAYTO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND

WHO WILL LET MEFEEL HER BREASTS."

NOW THAT'S JUST AN EXCERPT.I DIDN'T...

I HAD TO LEAVE MY DIARY THEREWHEN I FLED

AND, UH, I JUST HOPETHEY PRINT THAT

SO PEOPLE CAN LEARNFROM MY MISTAKE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE REALIZED?

YOU CAN GROW OLD TWO WAYS.

YOU CAN EITHER GROW OLDIN WHICH YOU HATE EVERYTHING

AND YOU JUST... "YOU KIDSWITH YOUR ROBOT SERVANTS"

OR YOU CAN GROW OLD LIKE ME

IN WHICH YOU LOSE YOUR LOVE ANDHATRED OF EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW?

MY SCALE OF LOVE AND HATREDUSED TO GO

FROM "OH, YEAH, REALLY?! WHOO!"

TO, "OH, NO WAY! OH, GET... NO!"

NOW, THE SCALE GOES...

HERE'S MY SCALE. READY?

( low-key ):"AH, THAT'S... MM-HMM..."

TO...

( really low-key ):"AH, WELL... HUH."

YEAH! I DON'T KNOW.

( cheering and applause )

YEAH, OKAY. THAT'S RIGHT.

SO, UH...

REMEMBER WHENYOU WERE GROWING UP

AND YOU WANTED TO COLOR EGGSFOR EASTER?

WHERE DID YOU GO?

THERE WAS ONLY ONE GAMEIN TOWN-- PAAS.

YOU WENT TO PAASOR YOU WENT TO HELL.

REMEMBER THAT?THAT WAS ON THE BOX, AND, UM...

'CAUSE THEY HAD THE MONOPOLY.THEY COULD SAY THAT.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU GOT THE KIT?WHAT DID YOU GET?

YOU GOT THE LITTLE COLORTABLETS. REMEMBER THOSE?

AND YOU PUT THEM IN THE WATER

AND THE WATER WOULD SMELLLIKE A VINEGAR FART

AND THEN YOU WOULD TAKE THE EGGAND PUT THE EGG

IN THE LITTLE WIRE SEAT.

REMEMBER THAT?THAT LITTLE TORTURE SEAT.

"LOWER YOU TO YOUR DOOM.

SCREAM ALL YOU WANT."

OR LIKE ME, YOU'D PUTALL THE TABLETS INTO ONE GLASS

AND THATWOULD TURN THE EGGS BROWN.

"OH, CAN'T GET BROWN EGGS,PATTON.

THAT'S OUR LITTLE PRODIGY."

THEN, UM, YOU COULD PUNCH OUTTHE BACK OF THE BOX--

REMEMBER THAT?--AND MAKE A LITTLE EGG HOLDER.

AH, REMEMBER THAT?

BUT LIKE ME, YOU WOULDN'T WAITFOR THE EGGS TO DRY

AND THEN THE BOX WOULD DISSOLVE

AND YOUR DADWOULD START DRINKING.

THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THATTHAT IS ALL THE KIT CAME WITH.

BUT THEN, REMEMBER IN THE '70s

ALL THOSE UPSTART COMPANIESCAME ALONG

TRYING TO UNSEATTHE PAAS DYNASTY?

THERE WAS "SHAKE AN EGG."REMEMBER SHAKE AN EGG?

YOU PUT THE EGG IN THE BAGWITH THE GLITTER

AND IT CAME OUTLOOKING ALL GLAM-ROCKY

LIKE IT FELL OUTOF DAVID BOWIE'S ASS.

"HEY, LOOK, HAPPY EASTER.

BANG A GONG, EVERYBODY."

AND THEN RONCO CAME OUT WITHTHAT WEIRD INQUISITION CLAMP.

REMEMBER THAT?

YOU'D PUT THE EGG IN THE CLAMP,AND THEN YOU PUT

THE MAGIC MARKERIN THE CLAMP HERE

AND THEN YOU'D TURN THE EGG...

OH...

"OH, A LINE...THERE'S A LINE ON THE EGG.

IT'S 4:00 O'CLOCKIN THE MORNING."

( applause )

I WENT BACKIN THE DRUGSTORE RECENTLY

LOOKING FOR EGG-COLORING KITS.

THERE'S ONLY ONE COMPANYSTANDING--

PAAS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

PAAS.

( cheering )

AND WHEN YOU GET THE KIT...

YOU BUY THAT KIT,YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GET?

YOU GET FIVE COLOR TABLETS,A LITTLE WIRE THING...

THEY DIDN'T CHANGE A THING!

WHAT CHROME-PLATED BALLSON THOSE GUYS.

THEY DIDN'T...

I JUST IMAGINE THEIR FOUNDER,SOME GUY NAMED HENRY PAAS GOING

"LET 'EM GOTO THEIR LITTLE SHAKE AN EGG

"AND THEIR RONCO THINGS.

"THEY'LL COME CRAWLING BACK.

"WE'RE PAAS.

"MY FATHER STARTED THIS COMPANYWITH ONE COLOR TABLET

"AND IT WAS WHITE,AND WE WERE THANKFUL.

"PAAS.

"HAPPY EASTERAND BITE MY WRINKLY ( bleep ).

PUT THAT ON THE BOX."

CAN WE SAY"BITE MY WRINKLY ( bleep )"?

I GUESS WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT.

THERE'S A LOTOF REALLY GOOD SHOWS ON TV

AND WHAT'S GREAT ABOUTALL THESE GOOD SHOWS BEING ON TV

IS IT MAKES THE BAD SHOWSLOOK AN INFECTED 'RHOID--

LIKE THEY REALLY STAND OUT.

UM, FOR INSTANCE,ESPECIALLY LIKE THE FOX NETWORK

IS STARTING TO REALIZE THAT,YOU KNOW

"EXCEPT FOR THE SIMPSONSAND THE X FILES

AND KING OF THE HILL,OUR NETWORK SORT OF SUCKS."

SO THEY'RE STARTING TO SHOWJUST VIDEOS OF THINGS

LIKE WORLD'S SCARIEST POLICE CHASES

AND WHEN THINGS GO WRONG

AND THEY SHOW A GUYIN A PARACHUTE-- "AHH!"--

JUST FALLING.

IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME GUY--"AHH!"

AND THAT'S COOL. I'LL WATCHTHOSE SHOWS, BUT THEN RECENTLY

THEY REALLY HITTHE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL

BECAUSE THEY SHOWED A SHOW

CALLED FOX'S MOST SHOCKING MEDICAL VIDEOS.

DID ANYONE SEE THIS SHOW?

MOST SHOCKING MEDICAL VIDEOS.

OKAY. COUPLE THINGS.

NUMBER ONE:ALL MEDICAL VIDEOS ARE SHOCKING.

THEY'RE MEDICAL VIDEOS,FOR GOD'S SAKES.

THERE'S NO SOOTHINGMEDICAL VIDEOS.

IT'S NOT LIKE, "WELL,THE STUFFING'S TAKING FOREVER

"SO LET'S WATCH THISEPISIOTOMY FOOTAGE THAT I HAVE.

WHEN THE BONE SAW HITSTHE LIGAMENTS, IT'S A SYMPHONY."

UM... THE OTHER THING IS,DURING THE WHOLE SPECIAL

THEY KEPT TRYING TO SHOW YOU...THEY KEPT TRYING TO TELL YOU

"WELL, YOU'RE GOING TO LEARNSOMETHING ABOUT MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"THIS IS A VERY EDUCATIONAL SHOW

AND YOU LEARNABOUT THE WONDERS OF SCIENCE."

NO, NO. THIS IS ALLWET ASS HOUR SURGERY

WHEN THE BOTTOM HAS FALLENTHROUGH THE BASEMENT

AND SOME GUY COMES INWITH AN ELK'S LEG UP HIS ASS

AND THE DOCTOR'S, LIKE

"AH, HA-HA-HA.

"UH... UH, I DON'T HAVE A...

"THERE'S NO ELK/ASS CHAPTEROF THE GRAY'S ANATOMY.

"UM... GET SOME, UH, TONGS,AND...

"SOME BUTTER. I DON'T KNOW.

UH... I DIDN'T TRAIN FOR THIS."

I THINK THE BOTTOM MOMENTOF THE SPECIAL CAME

WHEN THIS GUY...

THERE WAS A GUY THAT WENT UPIN THE HIMALAYAS

AND HE GOT EXTREME FROSTBITE

AND HIS FACE TURNED BLACKAND THEN FELL OFF.

HIS FACE FELL OFF.

SO, THE DOCTORS ARERECONSTRUCTING HIS FACE

AND NOW HE'S GOT NO NOSE.

SO HE HAS OPTIONS.

OH, HE'S GOT OPTIONS NOW.

OPTION NUMBER ONE IS TO GETTHIS FAKE, CLIP-ON NOSE.

IT'S A FAKE, HARD PLASTIC NOSE

AND THEY PUT THESE METAL STUDSAND YOU-- KACHOONK-- CLIP IT ON

AND THEY SHOW A GUY WITH NO NOSEAND THE GUY CLIPS IT ON

AND HE LOOKED OKAY.

IT LOOKED LIKE...HE LOOKED FINE.

BUT THIS GUY SAID,"OH, PHOOEY AND PSHAW!

"NO FAKE NOSE FOR ME.

"THAT'S ALL FLUMMERY.

I WANT SOMETHING REAL."

SO THE DOCTORS CONSULT THISANCIENT SANSKRIT MEDICAL TEXT.

WHY THEY ARE CONSULTING ANANCIENT SANSKRIT MEDICAL TEXT--

BEYOND ME-- BUT THERE'S A WAYTHEY CAN TAKE SKIN AND FAT

FROM OTHER PARTS OF YOUR BODYAND GROW APPENDAGES.

SO THEY MAKE A NOSE OUT OF,LIKE, ASS FAT AND THIGH SKIN

AND THEY GROW IT UPSIDE DOWNON HIS FOREHEAD.

SO FOR A YEAR

HE HAS A HOLE IN HIS FACEAND AN UPSIDE-DOWN NOSE.

"AHH!"

GOING TO RESTAURANTS,CATCHING A FLICK...

"OH, MY GOD!"

THEN THEY TAKE THE ASS FAT NOSE,SEW IT OVER THE NOSE HOLE

AND THEY SHOW HIM WITH HIS NEW,NATURAL-LOOKING NOSE

AND IT LOOKED HORRIFYING.

OH, MY GOD.

IF MY FACE EVER FELL OFF

I WOULD HAVE THE PRESENCEOF MIND TO KILL MYSELF.

I WOULD NOT HANG AROUNDMR. SOPPY GOB-FACE

CLINGING ONTO LIFE.

( speaking gibberish )

"OH, MY GOD,WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?"

"HE LOVES LIFE.HE WON'T LET GO."

( speaking gibberish )

"OH, GOD, PLEASE KILL YOURSELF."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

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