The Claw of Shame
Nathan performs a daring escape in which he risks a fate that is truly worse than death.
- GOOD EVENING.
WE'RE COMING TO YOUFROM THE HISTORIC ELYSIAN PARK
IN LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA.
NOW, EVERY WEEK ON MY SHOW,I CHALLENGE PEOPLE
TO TAKE BIG RISKS.
BUT SOME HAVE BEEN CRITICALTHAT I NEVER TAKE RISKS MYSELF.
WELL, TONIGHT,THAT'S ALL GONNA CHANGE.
OVER THE PAST MONTH,I'VE BEEN LEARNING
HOW TO PICK THE LOCKON THESE POLICE-GRADE HANDCUFFS.
"WHY?" YOU ASK.
BECAUSE TONIGHT I'M GONNA TAKEA BIGGER RISK
THAN ANYONE HAS EVER TAKENON TELEVISION BEFORE.
IN JUST A FEW MOMENTS,I'M GOING TO BE HANDCUFFED
TO THIS SOLID STEEL FRAME,
AND I'LL HAVE EXACTLY 90 SECONDSTO FREE MYSELF
BEFORE THE CLAWON THIS ROBOTIC ARM
UNDOES MY PANTS,
EXPOSING ME TO AN AUDIENCEOF CHILDREN.
IF THAT HAPPENS,AN L.A.P.D. OFFICER
IS STANDING BY TO ARREST MEFOR INDECENT EXPOSURE.
WE'VE ALL SEEN ESCAPE ARTISTSRISK DEATH BEFORE.
BUT TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO RISKSOMETHING EVEN WORSE:
BECOMING A REGISTEREDSEX OFFENDER FOR LIFE.
AND WHAT YOU'RE GOINGTO SEE TONIGHT IS 100% REAL.
WELCOME TO NATHAN FOR YOU.
THIS IS THE CLAW OF SHAME.
[dramatic music]
- NOW, YOU KNOWTHIS IS CONTROVERSIAL, RIGHT?
- WHAT DO I GAIN BY DOING THIS?- NOTHING.
- IF HE'S GONNA ESCAPE,IF HE'S GONNA GO TO JAIL.
- I MIGHT NOT EVEN ATTEMPT IT.
HE'S TAKING A BIG RISK.
male announcer:TONIGHT, NATHAN FIELDER
RISKS THE ULTIMATE SHAME,
FACING A HEARTLESS ROBOTTHATS ONLY MISSION
IS TO EXPOSEHIS PRIVATE PARTS.
- THIS MIGHT BETHE MOST DANGEROUS STUNT
EVER IMAGINED.
announcer: CHILDREN WATCHING...[child screams]
L.A.P.D. PRESENT...[siren wails]
AND ALL IN THE DARK OF NIGHT.
- YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN PUTON EARTH FOR A REASON,
AND I BELIEVETHIS IS GOD'S PLAN FOR ME.
announcer:THE WORLD IS WATCHING.
WILL HE INSPIRE MILLIONS
AND HONOR HIS HOME COUNTRYOF CANADA
OR END UP BEHIND BARSAND RISK DEPORTATION?
NEVER BEFORE ATTEMPTEDIN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION...
- I MEAN, THIS ISA COMEDY CENTRAL SHOW.
I MEAN, THIS IS--IT'S CRAZY WHAT WE'RE DOING.
announcer: WILL HE ESCAPE,OR WON'T HE?
NATHAN FIELDER TAKES ON...
YOU CAN'T BE AFRAIDOF FAILING.
IN FACT, ON MY SHOW,WHEN I HELP BUSINESSES,
I FAIL ALL THE TIME.
AND I'M NORMALLY SHYTO SHOW THOSE MOMENTS,
BUT TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO MAKEAN EXCEPTION.
SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK NOWAT SOME OF MY GREATEST FAILURES.
ONE OF MY LEAST POPULAR IDEAS
WAS FOR A COMPLETELYGERM-FREE HOT DOG STAND.
AT OUTDOOR FOOD CARTS,IT'S EASY FOR GERMS
TO TRANSFER FROM MONEYTO YOUR FOOD,
SO TO COMPLETELYELIMINATE THIS,
I DESIGNEDA HANDS-FREE METHOD
TO APPLY CONDIMENTSTO THE WIENER.
ALSO, THERE WOULD BEA SECOND EMPLOYEE
WHOSE ONLY JOBIS TO HANDLE THE MONEY.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOINGWITH THE WALLET?
- WE'RE DOINGA GERM-FREE EXPERIENCE,
SO YOU DON'T HANDLEYOUR OWN MONEY.
- OH, REALLY?
- BUT PEOPLE WERE A BIT ANNOYEDWITH THE MONEY HANDLING PART.
- CAN I HAVE MY WALLET BACK?
- AND THE HANDS-FREEONION DISPENSER
PROVED TO BE PROBLEMATICAS WELL.
SO YOU HAVE TO UP--ONE UP, ONE DOWN.
WHEN IT HITS THE TABLE,THE ONIONS WILL FALL.
- AND DROP IT.KEEP DROPPING IT.
UP AND DOWN, DROP IT.
- FAST.
- OOPS.
- OH.- UGH.
- THIS IS NOT GONNA WORK.IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.
- THAT'S NOTHING TO DOWITH THE CONTRAPTION.
IF YOU DROP A HOT DOG,YOU DROP A HOT DOG.
THE PUBLIC JUST WASN'T READY
FOR THE GERM-FREEHOT DOG EXPERIENCE,
SO I LAID THE CONCEPTTO REST.
NEXT, I HAD AN IDEAFOR A TEARLESS WAY
TO TELL A CHILDTHAT THEIR PET HAS DIED,
TO BE AN UP-SELL SERVICEFOR AN ANIMAL HOSPITAL.
THE CONCEPT WASTO MAKE A VIDEO
OF THE PETWHILE IT'S STILL ALIVE,
TELLING THE CHILDIT'S IN ANIMAL HEAVEN NOW.
I HIRED THE ONLY VOICE ACTORTHAT RESPONDED
TO MY CRAIGSLIST ADTO BE THE DOG.
BUT WHEN WE SHOWED ITTO THE OWNER'S CHILD...
[gentle harp music]
- [foreign accent]OH, IT'S ME, MADI.
I'M IN HEAVEN NOW.
SO SORRY I DIED.
I MISS YOU SO MUCH.
I'M HAPPY HERE,SO I'M NOT COMING HOME.
- NO, SHE DOESN'T.- NO.
- WHAT--AW.
IT'S OKAY.
- HE HATED HIS DOG'S VOICE.
ANOTHER FLUBBED IDEA.
AND LASTLY,MY FAVORITE IDEAS
DON'T JUST HELPWITH BUSINESS.
THEY'RE GOOD FOR THE COMMUNITYAS WELL.
SO I APPROACHED A BARWITH AN INNOVATIVE WAY
TO STOP DRUNKS FROM GETTINGBEHIND THE WHEEL.
THE CONCEPT WAS TO HAVEA STREET MAGICIAN
STATIONED OUTSIDE THE BAR,
PERFORMING A MAGIC TRICKTHAT ALLOWS HIM
TO SECRETLY TESTTHE BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVELS
OF PATRONS AS THEY LEAVE.
AND WITH MY BACKGROUND IN MAGIC,I OFFERED TO TEST IT OUT.
FOR MY FINAL TRICK,I'M GOING TO NEED YOUR KEYS.
- MY KEYS?- YES.
GREAT.GIVE THE WAND A BLOW.
OKAY, A LITTLE BIT HARDER,RIGHT INTO THE TOP.
OKAY, AND YOU ARE OVERTHE LEGAL LIMIT.
- OKAY.- BLOOD ALCOHOL.
SO YOUR KEYS ARE GONE.- OH!
- AND I CANNOT GIVE THEMBACK TO YOU.
- OKAY.- SORRY.
BUT THAT'S WHEN I REALIZEDTHE FLAW IN MY IDEA.
IF I HELD ON TO HIS KEYSAND HE TOOK A CAB,
THE GUY COULDN'T GETINTO HIS APARTMENT.
- COULD I GET MY KEYS,PLEASE?
- I CAN'T,BECAUSE YOU'RE DRUNK.
- PLEASE GIVE ME MY KEYS.
- AND THE ONLY SOLUTIONAT THAT POINT
WAS TO DRIVE HIM HOME.
YOU LIVE FAR.
- I KNOW I DO.
- ALSO, ONCE I GOT HIM HOME,
I REALIZED I COULDN'T JUSTGIVE HIM HIS KEYS
UNTIL HE WAS ASLEEP,OR ELSE HE MIGHT GO OUT
AND DRIVE AGAIN.
- YOU NEEDTO SEE ME SLEEPING?
- I NEED TO SEE YOU FALL ASLEEPBEFORE I LEAVE YOUR KEYS,
OR ELSE YOU MIGHT TAKE THEMAND GO OUT AGAIN.
YOU DON'T BRUSH YOUR TEETHBEFORE BED?
- USUALLY NOT.
I USUALLY BRUSH MY TEETHIN THE MORNING.
- REALLY?- YEP.
I KNOW IT'S KIND OF GROSS,
BUT NOBODY ELSEIS REALLY PAYING ATTENTION
TO THE WAY MY BREATH SMELLS.
- SO I HAD TO PUT HIM TO BEDAND MAKE SURE
HE WENT TO SLEEP...
♪ AND IF THAT LOOKING GLASSGETS BROKE ♪
♪ MAMA'S GONNA GET YOUA BILLY GOAT ♪
BEFORE I LEFT HIS KEYS.
SO, AS YOU CAN SEE,
EVEN THE GREATEST MINDSFAIL SOMETIMES.
- OHH!
THE REAL CONSEQUENCESOF GOING TO PRISON
AS A SEX OFFENDER,SO I MET UP
WITH JIMMY MURPHY,WHO'S SERVED OVER 11 YEARS
FOR A VARIETYOF VIOLENT CRIMES.
- I'LL TELL YOU THIS.
IN THERE, IT'S THE LAST THINGYOU WANT TO BE.
IT'S THE LOWEST.
- WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO MEIN THERE?
- WELL, YOU KNOW,YOU'D PROBABLY, UH, GO--
GO TO YOUR CELL,AND YOU'D FIND
A COUPLE OF SNICKERS BARSON YOUR PILLOW.
- OH, WOW.- AND THEN--
- SO THIS DOESN'T SOUNDTHAT BAD AT ALL.
- NO, YOU'D GO IN THERE,
AND YOU'D SAY, "OH, WOW,WHAT A GIFT."
YOU KNOW,AND YOU'D EAT THE STUFF.
WELL, SOMEONE'S GONNA COMEAND SAY, "HEY.
WHAT HAPPENEDTO MY CHOCOLATE?"
AND YOU'RE GONNA GO,"OH, I, UH, I ATE THAT."
AND THEN THEY'RE GONNA GO,
"WELL, YOU NEEDTO PAY FOR THAT."
- YEAH, HOW?I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.
- WELL, THEN YOU MIGHT FINDYOUR HEAD BOUNCING
OFF SOMEBODY'S BELT BUCKLE.
- I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
- NO, OF COURSE YOU DON'T.
'CAUSE THERE'S A LOTOF BELT BUCKLES IN THERE.
- REALLY?- OH, YEAH, YOU'LL GROW TIRED.
- THEY ALLOW YOUTO WEAR BELTS IN PRISON?
- NO, IT'S A--- SO HOW WOULD IT WORK?
THEY JUST GIVE YOUTHE BUCKLE?
- WELL, NO, I, UH--
- SO THERE'S NO BELT BUCKLE.- WELL, NO, NOT REALLY.
I MEANT--- SO MY HEAD WOULDN'T BE
BOUNCING AROUND ANYBELT BUCKLES.
- SO, IN OTHER WORDS, YOU'D HAVEA [bleep] IN YOUR MOUTH.
- I MEAN, IT PROBABLY WOULDN'TBOUNCE, TOO,
BECAUSE I WOULD STOPWHEN I GOT TO THE BALLS
BEFORE I GOT IN.
- I DON'T KNOWHOW YOU DO IT.
- WELL, THAT'S HOW I WOULD.
I'D NEVER REALLY BEEN FORCEDTO PICTURE
HOW I'D GIVE ORAL SEXTO A MAN,
BUT AFTER VISUALIZING IT,I BEGAN TO QUESTION
IF THIS ENTIRE STUNTWAS ACTUALLY WORTH IT.
MY CONCERNS WERE HEIGHTENEDWHEN I RETURNED TO REEL EFX
TO FIND THE ROBOTACTING UNPREDICTABLY.
[clang]
TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE,I FOUND OUT
THAT THE ROBOT WHOSE PRECISIONWOULD DETERMINE MY FATE
RAN ON WINDOWS 95.- IT'S AS GOOD--
- YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.
MY PARENTS THREW OUTTHEIR COMPUTER
THAT RAN WINDOWS 95,LIKE, SEVEN YEARS AGO
BECAUSE MINESWEEPERWASN'T WORKING PROPERLY.
- IT'S OKAY.'CAUSE WHAT HAPPENS--
- HONESTLY, LIKE,MY LIFE, LIKE--
THIS IS MOVINGWITHIN AN--
- RIGHT.- MILLIMETERS OF MY BODY.
I WAS MAINLY CONCERNED BECAUSEON THE DAY OF THE ESCAPE,
JOHN WOULD HAVE TOSTEP AWAY FROM THE CONTROLS
AND LET THE PROGRAM RUNAUTOMATICALLY.
BUT HE ASSURED METHE SOFTWARE WOULD WORK.
SO THE ROBOT WAS TRANSPORTEDTO ELYSIAN PARK,
WHERE A CREWOF OVER 50 PEOPLE WORKED
FOR TWO STRAIGHT DAYSTO PREPARE
FOR TONIGHT'S HISTORIC STUNT.
