Thursday, April 24, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01054
  • 04/24/2014

Tom Lennon, April Richardson and Steve Agee list #LameOfficeHolidays, write stripper Yelp reviews and create tall tales about a legend named Pervert Dave.

>> RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES IT'S

RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)ALL RIGHT, GUYS, THE HORROR

MOVE THE QUITE ONES OPENED, ANDTO PUBLICIZE THE RELEASE,

REDDIT SPONSORED A GHOST STORYCONTEST.

THE WINNER OF WHICH GOTTHEIR STORIES PAINTED BY

REDDIT USER (BLEE)WATERCOLOR.

NOW THE WINNING STORY WASABOUT A GUY GETTING COCK BLOCKED

BY THE ASTRA PROJECTION OFHIS FFRIEND, WHICH LOOKS LIKE

THIS -- [BLEEP] WATER COLOR.

IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY RAD.

COMEDIANS I WOULD LIKE TO TONAME THE GHOST STORY IN THIS

PICTURE, TOM LENNON.

>> HAPPY BLUE BALLS, CHARLIEBROWN.

(LAUGHTER)I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR

THAT, APRIL RICHARDSON.

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITHPOLE-TERGEIST. LIKE POLE,

LIKE A BONER.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> YOU DON'T-- YOU DON'THAVE TO DIG ANY DEEPER FOR

DICK JOKES FOR ME.

>> JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE.

>> YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER WHATSHOW YOU ARES ON.

>> OKAY.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO BUZZ, IALREADY CALLED ON YOU.

>> STEPHEN KINGS THECOCK-BLOCKING.

>> YOU JUST-- YOU JUST PUTSTEPHEN KING'S NAME IN FRONT

OF IT.

>> THAT MAKES EVERYTHINGSCARIER.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, IHAVE TO AGREE, I WILL GIVE

YOU POINTS TO ARE THAT.

-- GAWKER RECENTLY POSTED VIDEOFROM A LOCAL NEWS REPORT

CONCERNING A BURGLARY WHILEINTERVIEWING A WITNESS.

INSTEAD OF SHOWING HER FACE,OBVIOUSLY, WHAT EMBARRASSING

IMAGE DID THE NEWS CREWSHOW, AN IMAGE OF THE HOUSE

WITH TWO DOGS HUMPING IN THEFOREGROUND, A

CLOSE UP OF HER CAMEL TOE INSWEAT PANTS, OR FOOTAGE OF HER

KITCHEN WITH A PAMPHLET FORLIVING WITH HERPES ON HER

FRIDGE.

APRIL RICHARDSON?

>> I GOT TO SAY IF I AM ACAMERAMAN -- MAN -- MOST LIKELY

I'M GOING TO CLOSE UP ON THECAMEL TOE, I MEAN --

>> THE NEIGHBOR WAS WATCHINGAND CALLED POLICE.

>> I HAVE NEVER SEEN -->> OH MY GOD.

>> THAT WAS THE WORSEBURGLARY RIGHT THERE BECAUSE

THOSE TIGHTS ARE TRITING TOBREAK INTO THAT VAGINA

PRETTY HARD.

I DON'T WORK FOR WEBMD,BUT THOSE ARE BALLS.

#HASHTAGWARS.

IT IS A HUGE WEEK FORCOMPLETELY MADE UP OFFICE

HOLIDAYS, SECRETARY'S DAYYESTERDAY, BRING YOUR

DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY ISTODAY. SO WE WANT WANTED TO

COME UP WITH LESSAPPROPRIATE WORK HOLIDAYS,

TONIGHT'S IS, LAME OFFICEHOLIDAYS. SO EXAMPLES MIGHT

BE, LEAVE YOUR DAUGHTER ATWORK DAY.

OR, CASUAL SEX FRIDAY OR -- TAKEIT DOWN A NOTCH --

OR EAT EVERYONE ELSE'S LUNCHAT WORK DAY.

SO I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND GO.

>> IN-OFFICE COLONOSCOPY DAY.

YES, POINT.

>> APRIL.

>> BRING YOUR TEENAGEDAUGHTER'S DAUGHTER TO WORK

DAY.

>> POINTS.

>> STEVE AGEE.

>> ASHTRAY WEDNESDAY.

I DON'T -- I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS

BECAUSE I JUST DON'T WANT TODEAL WITH ANYMORE.

>> I'LL TAKE IT.

>> SENSITIVITY TRAINING BRADAY.

>> I DON'T -- ALL RIGHT I SHALLI'LL GIVE YOU POINTS. I DON'T

KNOW WHAT IT MEANS BUT I'LLGIVE YOU POINTS.

>> BRING YOUR GRANDMA TOTWERK DAY.

(LAUGHTER)>> POINTS. TOM CAME T PLAY.

APRIL?

>> TAKE YOUR SECRETARY TOHOOTERS DAY.

>> YES, THAT WOULD BE NOT AGOOD ONE.

STEVE.

>> SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP ABOUTYOUR KIDS FOR ONE [BLEEP]

DAY, LINDA.

ACCIDENTAL VIDEOS.

ACCIDENTAL VIDEOS.

THIS IS BASED ON THEPHENOMENON OF SOMETHING

THAT'S ONLY RECENTLY ADDEDTO OUR CULTURE, WHICH IS

WHERE YOU ARE TRYING TO TAKEA PHOTO OF SOMEONE AND YOU

REALIZE IT'S ON VIDEO ANDEVERYONE IS STANDING THERE

REALLY AWKWARDLY AND THEYARE LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"OH, IT WAS ON VIDEO."

BUT THEN THEY TRAPPED YOURREALLY HORRIBLE MOMENT SO

THAT IS ESSENTIALLY WHATTHIS GAME IS BUILT AROUND. SO

I'M GOING TO SHOWYOU SERIES OF ACCIDENTAL

VIDEOS.

YOU RING IN WITH THE POSERSINNER MONOLOGUE

IF ITS FUNNY, POINTS. LET'SSTART, FIRST ONE.

THESE TWO PAINT-FACED LOVERS.

>> YES, TOM LENNON.

>> HOW LONG BEFORE SHENOTICES I'VE HAD A STROKE.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

>> THESE WELL REHEARSED WILDAND CRAZY GUYS.

>> THE THINGS ABOUT WATCHINGA LOT OF THESE VIDEOS AT

ONCE IS THAT YOU FEEL LIKEYOU'RE IN A WEIRD NIGHTMARE

BECAUSE EVERYONE IS SORT OFMOVING BUT IN SLOW MOTION.

TOM LENNON?

>> IT'S LONELY ON THE NIGHTWATCH.

>> NICE, GOOD REFERENCE.

>> APRIL?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY THE GUYON THE LEFT IS LIKE HURRY UP,

I NEED TO MAKE THIS MY NEWPROFILE PICTURE FOR GRINDR.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> GIRLS? NO THANKS, WE'RECHRISTIAN.

>> NEXT ONE, THESE TOO FUTURELEADERS OF FREE WORLD, HOW

ABOUT THESE GUYS.

APRIL.

>> HURRY UP, ANY LONGER MYCHEEK BONES ARE GOING CUT

THIS GIRL TO SHREDS.

>> POINTS FOR THAT, YEAH,FOR SURE.

>> I WOULD JUST CALL THIS,SLUUUUUUUUTS.

>> YOU WANT TO THROW ONE IN.

>> I WOULD LIKE TO, CHRIS.

>> OKAY, PLEASE.

>> HURRY UP AND TAKE THEPHOTO SO ME AND MY BROTHER SO WE

CAN GO OUT IN THE ALLEY ANDFINGER EACH OTHER.

(APPLAUSE)>> I'LL GIVE POINTS FOR

INCESTUOUS FINGER BANGING.

WHAT, WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT HAPPENED?

ALL RIGHT NEXT ONE THISYOUNG BRIT ATTEMPTING A

THUGGED OUT SELFIE.

[BLEEP] -->> WHAT THE [BLEEP].

>> MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL,HERE'S A SELFIE OF ME BALL.

>> MR. HAIRLESS POTTER.

>> I LIKE THAT.

>> I SEE THE WAND CHOOSESTHE WIZARD, HARRY?

WOW, POINTS.>> APPRECIATE IT.

>> YOU CAN'T SEE, BUT EVERYTHINGDOWN FROM THE MIRROR IS HOOVES.

(LAUGHTER)>> HE'S JUST REALIZING IT.

I'M A FAUN FROM THE WAIST DOWN.

>> WASN'T IT THEN ♪♪.

>> HOW ABOUT THIS PURVEYOROF POSITIVE ENERGY.

♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FORMER CONTESTANT ON @MIDNIGHT,HE DOES WARMUP FOR US.

STEVE, WHAT'S HAPPENINGHERE.

>> THE INFIDELS WILL BESORRY WHEN I BLOW UP THIS

PARKING GARAGE.

>> APRIL?

>> THIS IS AFTER THE PERSON ATTHE DMV SAID, I'M SORRY SIR,

"POSITIVE ENERGY IN THE 818 IUSED TO BE A BASEBALL

PITCHER" IS TOO LONG.>> I'M GOING GIVE YOU POINTS.

ON THE BREAK I SHOWED YOU ANIMAGE OF A STRIPPER IN A

FAMILY SETTING AND I ASKEDYOU TO WRITE A YELP REVIEW

OF THE STRIPPER.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

>> APRIL RICHARDSON.

>> THANKS TO THE FAMILYDISCOUNT, I WAS ABLE TO PAY

FOR ONE MORE LAP DANCE WITHTHE CHANGE I FOUND IN THE

COUCH.

ALSO IT WAS GREAT THE LITTLETAMMY GOT TO MEET HER

PRESCHOOLTEACHER A YEAREARLY.

FOUR STARS.

INSPIRING.

>> STEVE AGREE.

>> THE CRAIGSLIST STRIPPERFOR DAD'S BIRTHDAY WE HIRED

TURNED OUT TO BE MY SISTER.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS.

PLUS WE SAVED $50.

>> NICE.

>> OKAY.

NOW TOM LENNON, WHO HAS NEVERWON THIS SHOW, HAS A COMMANDING

LEAD.

SO IF YOU REALLY-- BECAUSEOF THE WAY WE DIVIDE UP THE

POINTS, TOM COULD RUN AWAY WITHTHIS RIGHT HERE OR COULD

COMPLETELY DROP THE BALL.

SO I DON'T WANT TO MAKE YOUNERVOUS, BUT SO MUCH IS

RIDING ON THIS ANSWER, TOM.

AND I'M GOING TO LEAVE ITUP TO THE AUDIENCE.

ALL RIGHT?

SO THIS IS YOURS, YOURS TOLOSE AT THIS POINT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

GOOD.

YES,.

>> BEST BABYSITTER WE'VEEVER HAD. TIMMY WAS AMAZED

WITH HER FUN GAME, WHERE INMY COOCH IS CARMEN SAN DIEGO?

>> OKAY, WOW, NICE.

TOM LENNON, TOM GETS ATHOUSAND POINTS. APRIL GETS 500

AND STEVE AGEE, YOU GET 250POINTS.

TIME TO PLAY THE LEGENDOF PERVERT DAVE, THE LEGEND

OF PERVERT DAVE.

WE FOUND AN OBITUARY FOR ANEXTRAORDINARY CITIZEN NAMED

PERVERT DAVE-- (LAUGHTER)

>> UNFORTUNATELY WHOSELAST NAME IS CUMMINGS AND

LOOKS LIKE A BOB SEGER SONGSCREWED A WIZARD AT A

COCKFIGHT.

HE LED AN INCREDIBLE LIFE.ALL RIGHT, HERE ARE SOME

HIGHLIGHTS, ALL ARE TRUE, TRUEFACTS.

HE WAS IN THREE DIFFERENT PLANESSHOT DOWN IN VIETNAM, HE

SHOT AND KILLED NOT ONE BUTTWO AMPUTEES IN THE LATE

1980s, ONE OF WHICH WAS HISROOMMATE'S WHEELCHAIR SKIP-- BY

THE WAY, SKIP IS A VERYUNFORTUNATE NAME FOR SOMEONE

IN A WHEELCHAIR.

SO COMEDIANS I WOULD LIKEYOU TO PLEASE GIVE US SOME

NEW TALL TALES ABOUT THISMODERN DAY FOLK HERO

PERVERT DAVE. 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND GO.

>> PERVERT DAVE ISSURVIVORED BY HIS GUN AND

THREE SLEEVES OF FIGNEWTONS.

>> POINTS.

>> APRIL.

>> PERVERT DAVE ONCE GAVEHIMSELF AN APPENDECTOMY WITH A

BROKEN WILD TURKEY BOTTLE,BUT LEFT THE WOUND OPEN TO

SHOVE OLD CIGARETTE BUTTSIN.

>> POINTS.

>> TOM LENNON.

>> PERVERT DAVE ONLY WIPESWITH LIVE RACCOONS.

(LAUGHTER)>> POINTS.

I GOT TO GIVE YOU POINTS FORTHAT, TOM LENNON.

>> IF MURDERING PEOPLE WASWRONG, PERVERT DAVE DIDN'T

WANT TO BE RIGHT.

>> MEH, NO POINTS.

>> OKAY.

>> HE IS SO FAR AHEAD TDIDN'T MATTER.

>> PERVERT DAVE LOVED TO[BLEEP], JUST ASK HIS DOG,

SAD JEFF.

(LAUGHTER)>> YES

(APPLAUSE)>> OH MY GOD.

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