Thursday, April 24, 2014

  • 04/24/2014

Tom Lennon, April Richardson and Steve Agee list #LameOfficeHolidays, write stripper Yelp reviews and create tall tales about a legend named Pervert Dave.

>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'S

INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S

RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, THE HORROR

MOVIE "THE QUIET ONES" OPENS

THIS WEEKEND, AND TO PUBLICIZE

THE RELEASE, REDDIT SPONSORED A

GHOST STORY CONTEST.

WHOA.

THE WINNER OF WHICH GOT THEIR

STORY PAINTED BY REDDIT USER

(BLEEP)WATERCOLOR.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, THE WINNING STORY WAS ABOUT

A GUY GETTING COCKBLOCKED BY

THE ASTRAL PROJECTION OF HIS

FRIEND, WHICH LOOKS LIKE THIS,

(BLEEP) WATERCOLOR.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY RAD.

SO, COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO NAME THE GHOST STORY IN THIS

PICTURE. TOM LENNON.

>> HAPPY BLUE BALLS, CHARLIE

BROWN.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR THAT, TOM.

APRIL RICHARDSON.

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH

POLE-TERGEIST LIKE POLE, LIKE A

BONER.

>> Chris: YEAH, YEAH.

P-O-L-E.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU DON'T... YOU DON'T HAVE TO

DIG ANY DEEPER FOR DICK JOKES

FOR ME, YOU'LL GET POINTS.

>> I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE.

>> Chris: REMEMBER WHAT SHOW

YOU'RE ON.

YEAH, STEVE AGEE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BUZZ IN, I

ALREADY CALLED ON YOU.

>> STEPHEN KING'S THE

COCK-BLOCKING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YOU JUST...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU JUST PUT STEPHEN KING'S NAME

IN FRONT OF IT.

>> THAT MAKES EVERYTHING

SCARIER.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

I HAVE TO AGREE, I WILL GIVE

YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

GAWKER RECENTLY POSTED VIDEO

FROM A LOCAL NEWS REPORT

CONCERNING A BURGLARY.

WHILE INTERVIEWING A WITNESS

INSTEAD OF SHOWING HER FACE--

OBVIOUSLY TO OBSCURE HER FOR

ANONYMITY-- WHAT EMBARRASSING

IMAGE DID THE NEWS CREW SHOW?

WAS IT A) FOOTAGE OF HER OUTSIDE

OF THE HOUSE WITH TWO DOGS

HUMPING IN THE FOREGROUND?

B) A CLOSE-UP OF HER CAMEL TOE

IN SWEATPANTS?

C) FOOTAGE OF HER KITCHEN WITH

A PAMPHLET FOR LIVING WITH

HERPES ON HER FRIDGE?

APRIL RICHARDSON?

>> I GOT TO SAY IF I AM A

CAMERAMAN, MOST LIKELY I'M

GOING TO CLOSE UP ON THE

CAMEL TOE, I MEAN...

>> Chris: WELL, LET'S FIND OUT

TOGETHER.

>> THE NEIGHBOR WAS WATCHING

AND CALLED POLICE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THAT WAS THE WORST

BURGLARY RIGHT THERE BECAUSE

THOSE TIGHTS ARE TRYING TO

BREAK INTO THAT VAGINA

PRETTY HARD.

>> I DON'T WORK FOR WEB MD,

BUT THOSE ARE BALLS.

(LAUGHTER)

TONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT IS A HUGE WEEK FOR

COMPLETELY MADE UP OFFICE

HOLIDAYS.

SECRETARY'S DAY WAS YESTERDAY,

BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY

WAS TODAY, SO WE WANTED TO

COME UP WITH SOME EVEN LESS

APPROPRIATE WORK HOLIDAYS.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#LAMEOFFICEHOLIDAYS,

SO EXAMPLES MIGHT BE "LEAVE

YOUR DAUGHTER AT WORK DAY"

OR "CASUAL SEX FRIDAY."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH.

OR "EAT EVERYONE ELSE'S LUNCH

AT WORK DAY."

SO I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

STEVE.

>> IN OFFICE COLONOSCOPY DAY.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

APRIL.

>> BRING YOUR TEENAGED

DAUGHTER'S DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS.

YEAH, POINTS.

STEVE AGEE.

>> ASHTRAY WEDNESDAY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I DON'T...

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS

BECAUSE I JUST DON'T WANT TO

DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE.

>> I'LL TAKE IT.

>> SENSITIVITY TRAINING BRA

DAY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHAT IS THAT?

I DON'T, ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVE

YOU POINTS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, BUT

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

TOM.

>> BRING YOUR GRANDMA TO

TWERK DAY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

OH MAN, TOM LENNON CAME TO PLAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

APRIL?

>> TAKE YOUR SECRETARY TO

HOOTERS DAY.

>> Chris: YES, THAT WOULD BE NOT

A GOOD ONE.

YEAH, POINTS.

STEVE.

>> SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP ABOUT

YOUR KIDS FOR ONE (BLEEP)

DAY, LINDA.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ACCIDENTAL VIDEOS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THIS IS BASED ON THE

PHENOMENON OF SOMETHING

THAT'S ONLY RECENTLY ADDED

TO OUR CULTURE, WHICH IS

WHERE YOU ARE TRYING TO TAKE

A PHOTO OF SOMEONE AND YOU

REALIZE IT'S ON VIDEO AND THEN

EVERYONE IS JUST KIND OF

STANDING THERE REALLY AWKWARDLY.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?"

LIKE, "OH, IT WAS ON VIDEO."

BUT THEN THEY'VE TRAPPED YOUR

REALLY HORRIBLE MOMENT SO

THAT IS ESSENTIALLY WHAT

THIS GAME IS BUILT AROUND SO I'M

GOING TO SHOW YOU A SERIES OF

ACCIDENTAL VIDEOS.

YOU RING IN WITH THE POSER'S

INNER MONOLOGUE, ALL RIGHT?

IF IT'S FUNNY, POINTS.

LET'S START, FIRST ONE.

THESE TWO PAINT FACE CLUBBERS.

(LAUGHTER)

YES, TOM LENNON.

>> HOW LONG BEFORE SHE

NOTICES I'VE HAD A STROKE?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NEXT ONE.

THESE WELL REHEARSED WILD

AND CRAZY GUYS.

(LAUGHTER)

THE THING ABOUT WATCHING

A LOT OF THESE VIDEOS AT

ONCE IS THAT YOU FEEL LIKE

YOU'RE IN A WEIRD NIGHTMARE

BECAUSE EVERYONE IS SORT OF

MOVING, BUT NOT REALLY.

TOM LENNON?

>> IT'S LONELY ON THE NIGHT'S

WATCH.

>> Chris: NICE, GOOD REFERENCE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

APRIL?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY THE GUY

ON THE LEFT IS LIKE, "HURRY UP,

I NEED TO MAKE THIS MY NEW

PROFILE PICTURE FOR GRINDER."

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> GIRLS?

NO, THANKS, WE'RE CHRISTIAN.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, THESE TWO

FUTURE LEADERS OF THE FREE

WORLD, HOW ABOUT THESE GUYS?

(LAUGHTER)

APRIL?

>> HURRY UP.

ANY LONGER AND MY CHEEK BONES

ARE GOING TO CUT THIS GIRL

TO SHREDS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, I'LL GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT, YEAH, FOR SURE.

>> I WOULD JUST CALL THIS,

SLUUUUUUUTS.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: YOU WANT TO THROW ONE

IN OR NOT?

>> I WOULD LIKE TO, CHRIS,

THANKS.

>> Chris: OKAY, PLEASE.

>> HURRY UP AND TAKE THE

PHOTO SO ME AND MY BROTHER

CAN GO OUT IN THE ALLEY AND

FINGER EACH OTHER.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE POINTS TO

STEVE AGEE FOR INCESTUOUS FINGER

BANGING.

(LAUGHTER)

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> WHAT, WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT HAPPENED?

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THIS YOUNG BRIT ATTEMPTING A

THUGGED OUT SELFIE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> FOR (BLEEP) SAKE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHAT IS IT, STEVE, FOR

(BLEEP) SAKE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL,

HERE'S A SELFIE OF ME BALL.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: JUST ONE BALL?

>> ONE BALL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TOM.

>> MR. HAIRLESS POTTER.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> I LIKE THAT.

>> Chris: I SEE THE WAND

CHOOSES THE WIZARD, HARRY?

POINTS TO TOM LENNON.

>> AND POINTS TO YOU.

>> Chris: OH, THANKS.

I APPRECIATE IT, THANK YOU.

>> WOW.

WHAT YOU CAN'T SEE, EVERYTHING

DOWN FROM THE MIRROR IS GOAT

HOOVES.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: AND HE'S JUST

REALIZING IT.

(BLEEP) SAKE I'M A FAUN FROM THE

WAIST DOWN.

(LAUGHTER)

(IMITATING FLUTE)

THAT EXPLAINS THE PAN FLUTE,

DOESN'T IT THEN?

HOW ABOUT THIS PURVEYOR

OF POSITIVE ENERGY?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THIS IS BRADLEY STEVENS.

A FORMER CONTESTANT ON

@MIDNIGHT, HE DOES WARM-UP FOR

US.

STEVE, WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

>> THE INFIDELS WILL BE SORRY

WHEN I BLOW UP THIS PARKING

GARAGE.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: APRIL?

>> THIS IS AFTER THE PERSON AT

THE DMV SAID, "I'M SORRY, SIR,

'POSITIVE ENERGY IN THE 818 I

USED TO BE A BASEBALL PITCHER'

WON'T FIT ON A LICENSE PLATE."

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S TOO MANY LETTERS.

>> Chris: THAT'S VERY INSIDE,

BUT I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU

POINTS.

THIS IMAGE OF A STRIPPER IN A

FAMILY SETTING AND I ASKED

YOU TO WRITE A YELP REVIEW

OF THE STRIPPER.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

APRIL RICHARDSON.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

INSPIRING.

>> Chris: STEVE AGEE.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: NICE.

NOW IT'S A VERY INTERESTING

SITUATION WE FIND OURSELVES IN.

TOM LENNON, WHO HAS NEVER WON

THIS SHOW, HAS A COMMANDING

LEAD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO IF YOU REALLY... BECAUSE

OF THE WAY WE DIVIDE UP THE

POINTS, TOM COULD RUN AWAY WITH

THIS RIGHT HERE OR HE COULD

COMPLETELY DROP THE BALL.

SO I DON'T WANT TO MAKE YOU

NERVOUS, BUT SO MUCH IS

RIDING ON THIS ANSWER, TOM.

SO, AND I'M GOING TO LEAVE IT

UP TO THE AUDIENCE.

ALL RIGHT?

SO THIS IS YOURS, THIS IS YOURS

TO LOSE AT THIS POINT.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT.

YES, INVOKE THE LORD AND READ

YOUR ANSWER.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: OKAY, WOW, NICE.

TOM LENNON, TOM GETS 1,000

POINTS.

APRIL RICHARDSON GETS 500

POINTS, STEVE AGEE GETS 250

POINTS.

OF PERVERT DAVE, THE LEGEND

OF PERVERT DAVE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WE FOUND AN OBITUARY FOR AN

EXTRAORDINARY CITIZEN NAMED

"PERVERT DAVE."

(LAUGHTER)

UNFORTUNATELY WHOSE LAST NAME IS

CUMMINGS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHO LOOKS LIKE A BOB SEGER

SONG SCREWED A WIZARD AT A

COCK-FIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT...

>> POINTS.

>> Chris: HE LED AN INCREDIBLE

LIFE, ALL RIGHT.

HERE ARE SOME HIGHLIGHTS.

THESE ARE TRUE, TRUE FACTS.

HE WAS ABOARD THREE DIFFERENT

PLANES THAT WERE SHOT DOWN IN

VIETNAM.

IN THE LATE 1980S HE SHOT AND

KILLED NOT ONE BUT TWO AMPUTEES,

ONE OF WHICH WAS HIS ROOMMATE,

"WHEELCHAIR SKIP."

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH, BY THE WAY, SKIP IS A

VERY UNFORTUNATE NAME FOR

SOMEONE IN A WHEELCHAIR.

(LAUGHTER)

SO COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE

YOU TO PLEASE GIVE US SOME

NEW TALL TALES ABOUT THIS

MODERN DAY FOLK HERO, PERVERT

DAVE.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK AND GO.

STEVE.

>> PERVERT DAVE IS SURVIVED BY

HIS GUN AND THREE SLEEVES OF

FIG NEWTONS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

APRIL.

>> PERVERT DAVE ONCE GAVE

HIMSELF AN APPENDECTOMY WITH A

BROKEN WILD TURKEY BOTTLE,

BUT LEFT THE WOUND OPEN TO

SHOVE OLD CIGARETTE BUTTS IN.

>> Chris: POINTS, YEAH, POINTS.

TOM LENNON.

>> PERVERT DAVE ONLY WIPED

WITH LIVE RACCOONS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

TOM LENNON.

>> IF MURDERING PEOPLE WAS

WRONG, PERVERT DAVE DIDN'T

WANT TO BE RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: EH, NO POINTS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> IT'S OKAY.

>> Chris: HE IS (BLEEP) FAR

AHEAD, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

STEVE.

>> PERVERT DAVE LOVED TO

(BLEEP).

JUST ASK HIS DOG "SAD JEFF."

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HE LOVES TO (BLEEP).

HE LOVES TO (BLEEP), GUYS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: GET BEHIND YOUR

PODIUM.

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