Maid to Border

  • Season 2, Ep 6
  • 11/07/2007

Steve discovers Brian only listens to one song, and Sarah fires her maid after her Shoplift Shelly doll goes missing.

THE LAUNDRY'S IN.

I'M GONNA GO GET A SODA.YOU WANT ANYTHING?

NO, I'M FINE.THANKS.

ALL RIGHT. COOL.

ALL RIGHT.

SEE YOU LATER.

GOTTA HAVE MY TUNES!HA!

[Spin Doctors' Two Princes]

♪ YEAH, ONE TWO PRINCESKNEEL BEFORE YOU ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID NOW

♪ PRINCES,PRINCES WHO ADORE YOU ♪

♪ JUST GO AHEAD NOW

♪ ONE HAS DIAMONDSIN HIS POCKETS ♪

♪ AND THAT'S SOME BREAD NOW

♪ THIS ONE SAIDHE WANTS TO BUY YOU ROCKETS ♪

♪ AIN'T IN HIS HEAD NOW

♪ HEY YEAH

♪ [scat singing]

HELLO AND THANK YOU FOR COMING.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,

I KNOW PRESENT TO YOU

THE GENTLE COMEDYOF JAY McPHERESON.

HI, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANKS FOR COMING, EVERYBODY.

[light music playing]

[old-timey accent]HEY, HELLO THERE!

OH YEAH,I BEEN THE FAT BARTENDER HERE

FOR MANY A YEARAT THE RUSTIC INN.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I SEEN A WHOLE BUNCH OF INTERESTING FOLKS.

LIKE OLD MAN GRAYSON OVER THERE.

HOW YOU DOIN', SENATOR?

[old man voice] UHH...

YOU KNOW, LIFE IS A JOURNEY.

BUT THEY NEVER SEEM TO PACKMY SUITCASE

QUITE CORRECTLY.

[Indian accent] YOU KNOW THE FUNNY THING

ABOUT THE HUMAN ANIMAL

IS THAT THEY WAIT IN LINE

FOR A $3 CUP OF COFFEE.

WHY IS HE DOING THIS?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THISAT ALL.

ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LAUGH?

OH, ONLY A LITTLE.

IT'S GENTLE COMEDY.

OH, MY CHRIST.

[in a Southern woman's voice] WELL, YOU KNOW,

I ALWAYS THOUGHT I HAD

A HANDLE ON LIFE,

UNTIL THE HANDLE DONEBROKE OFF.

OKAY, THAT'S JUST BAD WRITING.

[laughing]

OH...NO.

UH, I WAS LAUGHINGAT WHAT HE SAID.

JAY--JAY, WAIT.

LAURA.

SARAH?

I'M GOING TO MEXICO.

I'VE GOT TO GET DORA BACK.WHAT?

IS THIS PART OF THE SHOW?

SARAH, YOU CAN'T JUSTGO OFF TO MEXICO BY YOURSELF.

YES, I CAN.

OH, WELL, YEAH,YOU HAVE TO DRIVE ME.

OH.

AND SCENE.

SHOPLIFT SHELLY,

THE VERY SYMBOLOF THIEVERY, STOLEN.

HUH.

THAT DORA'S AS GOOD AT IRONY

AS SHE IS AT IRONING.

[Doug panting]

DOUG, WHAT ARE YOU--

[gasping]

ARE YOU B.M.ing?

I HOPE YOU'RE PLANNINGON EATING THAT

'CAUSE I JUST FIREDTHE MAID.

EW!

IT'S LOOKS LIKE--

[fart sound, bell dinging]

WELL, SEE YOU GUYS LATER.

IT'S TIME FOR ME TO BRINGTHE METAL TO VALLEY VILLAGE.

A LITTLE BRI TIME.HEH HEH.

GUNG-GUNG-GUNK.

[door opens and shuts]

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

SURE.

DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU KNOWEVERYTHING ABOUT BRIAN?

YOU JUST SAW EVERYTHINGABOUT BRIAN.

HE SITS AROUND HERELISTENING TO DEATH METAL

OR SPEED METAL.

OR HE GOES OUTAND LISTENS TO IT ON HIS iPOD.

AND HE LIKES TV AND SODAAND THAT'S BASICALLY BRIAN.

WHY?

I JUST FOUND OUT SOMETHINGKIND OF WEIRD ABOUT JAY

AND I JUST DON'T KNOWWHAT TO THINK.

OH, JUST SUPPORT IT.

WELL, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT IT IS.

IT DOESN'T MATTER,LAURA.

BETWEEN YOU AND ME--

WHAT?

BRIAN AND I USEDTO FIGHT A LOT.

BUT THEN I REALIZEDIT'S EASIER

JUST TO SUPPORT EVERYTHING.

WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THIS?

OH, I THOUGHT OF ITTHIS MORNING,

BUT I CAN ALREADY SEE RESULTS.

MISS SARAH.

MY DOG POOPED THIS OUT.

YOU SEE?I TOLD YOU.

OBVIOUSLY, SOMEONE SHOVED ITUP HIS BUTT.

AND YOU'RE THE ONLY ONEWHO HAD ACCESS TO BOTH.

QUE?[sirens wailing]

WHAT YOU HEAR RIGHT NOWIS THE IMMIGRATION AUTHORITIES.

I NOTIFIED THEM.

AND IT BREAKS MY HEART.

BUT THE ONLY THING THAT WOULDBREAK MY HEART MORE

IS THE THOUGHT OF ANOTHER DOGWITH A PROMOTIONAL TOY

SHOVED UP HIS BUTT.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

THE OLD LADY AT THE CLUB

SAID THAT IMMIGRANTS BRINGCRIME AND PERVERSION,

AND I DIDN'T BELIEVE HER.

THOUGH SHE ALSO SAID DISEASE--

AH-CHOO!

YOU SON OF A BITCH.

WELL, I'M GONNA TAKETHE GUNK ON THIS PAN

OUT TO THE WOODSHEDAND GIVE IT A SPANKIN'.

DON'T BE TOO ROUGHON IT.

IT'S JUST A CHILD.

HA HA HA!

YOU KNOW, I WAS GONNA USE A NON-STICK PAN,

BUT I FIGURED THAT'S KIND OF CHEATING.

WOW, I THINK THERE'S A RACCOON

OUT IN THE ALLEY THERE.

HEY, IT LOOKS LIKE MY LITTLE FAT FRIEND

RACCOONY THE RACCOON IS BACK IN THE BACKYARD.

"YOUNG IRISH GIRL"?

HE LOVES TO HAVE APPLES

AS HIS SPECIAL TREAT ON HIS--

WAIT, LAURA--WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

COME ON, PLEASE, LAURA.

UM...

YOU LIKE YOUNG IRISH GIRLS?

WELL, IT'S--

IT'S OKAY IF IT'S PORNOGRAPHY.

NO NO NO-- DON'T PUT IT IN.

I WANT TO WATCH IT.

I WANT TO KNOWWHAT MY BOYFRIEND'S INTO.

[bad Irish accent] OH, PATRICK.

HOW COULD YOU BUY THAT HORSE

WITHOUT ASKING FATHER'S PERMISSION?

PATRICK DIDN'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY.

HE ENJOYED EVERY MOMENT.

IS THIS STANDUP COMEDYOR SOMETHING?

WHA--STAND--

NO NO NO,

IT'S MUCH, MUCH DIFFERENTTHAN THAT.

IT'S CALLEDGENTLE COMEDY.

IT'S LIKE LILY TOMLINOR TRACY ULLMAN.

YOU DO CHARACTERS

AND THEN YOU PUT ONA ONE-MAN SHOW.

TRUTH IS I'VE ALWAYS

WANTED TO DO ITIN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

[on TV] OH, IT'S A FUNNY LITTLE BUGGER.

[knocking on door]

(Dora) MOMENTO, I AM COMING!

MISS SARAH!

GOOD AFTERNOON, DORA.

AFTER YOU LEFT MY HOMETODAY,

I DISCOVERED THAT PERSONALPROPERTY OF MINE WAS MISSING.

MISSING?

WHAT IS NOT THERE?

MY SHOPLIFT SHELLYFIGURINE.

MISS SARAH,

WHY WOULD I STEALYOUR TOY?

I AM A GROWN WOMAN.

YOU HAVE NO IDEAHOW MUCH THIS HURTS ME,

BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE.

"I, SARAH JANEANASTASIA SILVERMAN,

"A JEW WITHA ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT,

"PROCLAIM THAT YOU AREHEREBY AND HEREAFTER FIRED.

"BY THE POWER VESTED IN MEBY THE CITY OF VALLEY VILLAGE,

"I KNOW PRONOUNCE YOUAN UNEMPLOYED IMMIGRANT.

SIGNED AND PERFORMEDBY SARAH SILVERMAN."

BUT, MISS SARAH--

MISS SARAH WILL MISS DORA.

BUT I CANNOT BE DISRESPECTED

BY THE WOMAN WHO FOLDSTHE UNDERWEAR

THAT I POOP IN.

[alarm buzzing]

AAH.GOOD MORNING, DOUG.

[deep manly voice]GOOD MORNING, SARAH.

AND YOU LOOK MIGHTY FINE TODAY.

OH, THANK YOU.

OH!

HELLO, PRECIES!

MM-MM-MM-MM-MM.

YOU'RE EACH SPECIALIN YOUR OWN WAY.

SHOPLIFT SHELLY.

YOU'RE SO TROUBLED.

I GUESS THAT'S WHYI LOVE YOU THE MOST.

NO OFFENSE.

ALL RIGHT,I'M GONNA GET CHANGED.

IT'S ALL RIGHT IF YOU LOOKAT MY BREASTS.

I'M SORRY, DORA.

WHY?

BECAUSE YOU'RE THISIMPOVERISHED ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT

CLEANING MY HOUSEFOR A LIVING

WHILE I'M GONNA GOPLAY TENNIS

AT A GORGEOUS TENNIS CLUB.

AYE, MISS SARAH.

I ALWAYS TELL YOU

I LIKE THIS WORK,I AM HAPPY,

MY LIFE IS GOOD.

THAT IS THE BRAVEST LIEI'VE EVER HEARD.

GOOD-BYE, DORA.

YOUR STRENGTH CARRIES US ALL.

WAIT, DON'T START!

[sad violin music playing]

OKAY.

ADIOS, SARAH.

ADIOS.

TENNIS IS SO STRANGE.

LIKE, I'LL BE REALLYINTO THE GAME

AND ENJOYING MYSELF.

BUT THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,IT'S LIKE I LEAVE MY BODY.

AND I JUST THINK,

"I'M SMACKING A GREEN BALL.

THAT'S ALL I'M DOING."

[belching]ZACH BRAFF.

(woman) I HEARD FROM THE ROBERTSONS

THAT THEIR MAID HAS BEEN

STEALING FROM THEM.

THAT'S THE PROBLEMWITH ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.

THEY COME HERETO STEAL FROM US.

LOOK HERE, OLD LADY.

GOD DID NOT CREATEILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS

FOR US TO INSULT.

HE CREATED THEM FOR USTO ENJOY.

NOW, MY MAID CLEANSMY ENTIRE APARTMENT

FOR ALMOST NOTHING

AND SHE DOES ITWITH A SMILE ON HER FACE.

OR SOMETHING ON HER--

WELL, I DON'T KNOWWHAT A FROWN LOOKS LIKE

IN SPANISH.

YOU'RE JUST YOUNGAND ILL-INFORMED.

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTSBRING CRIME AND PERVERSION

AND DISEASE INTO THIS COUNTRY.

MADAME, YOU SICKEN ME.

AND IF THERE WAS AN N-WORD

FOR OLD WOMEN WHO PLAYED TENNIS,

I WOULD USE IT ON YOUBUT GOOD.

WOW, DOUG!

LOOK HOW CLEAN IT IS IN HERE!

I GUESS ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTSREALLY DO STEAL, DOUG.

THEY STEAL DIRT.

HI, GUYS!

MM-MM-MM-MM-MM--

[gasps]

SHOPLIFT SHELLY?

SOMEONE STOLED YOU.

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