Kevin Hart: I'm a Grown Little Man

  • 02/03/2009

Kevin Hart wonders why super buff guys still go to the gym, shares the kind of fights he has with his kids and explains why he's a better provider than he is a protector.

I GOT MONEY.

I CAN PAY FOR STUFF.

I DON'T MIND THAT.

I'M NOT A PROTECTOR.

THAT'S WHERE I'M, LIKE,

NOT THAT GUY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, WOMEN, YOU WANT

EVERY GUY TO FIGHT FOR YOU.

THAT'S NOT ME.

I'M NOT A FIGHTER.

I WON'T SAY THAT I AM.

I WILL NEVER PRETEND TO BE.

THAT'S NOT WHO I AM.

PRIME EXAMPLE: LET'S SAY

ME AND YOU GO TO THE MOVIES.

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE AT THE MOVIES.

WE'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME.

OUT OF NOWHERE, SOME GUY

COME UP AND SMACK YOU

IN THE FACE REAL HARD.

AND IF YOU WITH ME,

THEN YOU JUST GOT SMACKED.

THAT'S SOMETHING THAT JUST--

I'M BEING HONEST, ALL RIGHT?

I'M NOT GOING TO DO NOTHING

ABOUT IT.

NOW, WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT

WHEN WE GET IN THE CAR.

LET'S FIGURE OUT

WHY IT HAPPENED

AND SEE WHAT WE CAN DO

TO PREVENT IT FROM HAPPENING

AGAIN.

BUT AS FAR AS ME, LIKE,

JUST GOING AND DOING SOMETHING

ABOUT IT, I'M NOT GOING

TO [bleep] DO IT, BECAUSE

IF HE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT

YOUR FACE, I KNOW HE DON'T GIVE

A [bleep] ABOUT MINE.

THAT'S COMMON SENSE.

TWO BLACK EYES AIN'T GOING

TO GET US HOME.

SOMEBODY GOT TO DRIVE.

THAT'S WHAT I'M GOOD AT.

"I'M A WITNESS;

I SAW EVERYTHING.

WHEN HE HIT YOU, I GOT BEHIND

THE VENDING MACHINE, 'CAUSE

I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO KNOW

THAT WE WERE TOGETHER.

IT'S NONE OF HIS BUSINESS

WHO I'M WITH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE KICKED YOU

WHEN YOU FELL.

THAT'S WHERE I GOT UPSET,

'CAUSE YOU GAVE UP.

YOU DIDN'T WANT TO FIGHT

NO MORE.

WHY WOULD HE PUT HIS BOOT

TO YOUR FACE?

THAT'S JUST DISGUSTING TO ME.

HE SHOULD BE SHOT."

YOU EVER TRY AND TALK TO AGIRL WITH CAR SEATS IN YOUR CAR?

IT WON'T HAPPEN.

IT'S DEPRESSING, MAN.

"COME HERE, BABY.

LET ME TALK TO YOUFOR A SECOND."

"UH-UH, WHAT'S THATIN THE BACK?"

"BITCH, LOOK AT ME.

DON'T FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE.

JUST LOOK AT THE POSITIVE, NOW.

I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOUABOUT SOME SERIOUS STUFF, NOW."

KIDS, MAN.

KIDS CHANGE YOUR LIFE,MAKE YOU REALIZE

THAT THINGS ARE DIFFERENT.

I KNOW I'M GETTING OLDER NOW,BECAUSE OF MY KIDS.

I'M STARTING TO FUSS A LOT.

THE OLDER YOU GET,THAT'S WHAT YOU DO:

YOU JUST WAKE UP ANGRY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELLI BE MAD AT.

YOU JUST WAKE UP MAD.

WHEN YOU GOT MORE THAN ONE KID,YOU JUST WAKE UP ANGRY.

"HEY, WHO GOT THE THINGWITH THE [bleep] IN IT?

ALL RIGHT, NOW!

WHERE'S--ALL RIGHT, HEY!

HEADS IN BEDS RIGHT NOW!"I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT THAT MEANS.

HEADS IN BEDS!

THAT'S MY [bleep].

MY SON, I JUST YELL AT MY SON,'CAUSE--HE'S NINE MONTHS.

HE'S A MAN, THOUGH,SO I YELL AT HIM JUST BECAUSE.

I GET MAD.

"HOLD YOUR HEAD STILL, BOY!"ALL DAY.

THAT [bleep] SO DAMNEMBARRASSING.

THAT [bleep] PISSES ME OFF, MAN.

YOU KNOW HOW STUPIDTHAT MAKE YOU LOOK

WHEN COMPANY COME OVERAND YOUR BABY JUST--

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BABY?""I DON'T KNOW.

PUT HIM ON THE STOMACH."

HE STILL BE TRYING.

THAT'S MY DAMN KID, THOUGH.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU COULDGET MAD AT KIDS TO THE POINT

WHERE YOU WANT TO FIGHT.

YOU CAN WANT TO FIGHT A KID,MAN.

KIDS ARE ASS[bleep].

MY DAUGHTER IS AN ASS[bleep].

SHE IS.

WE ARGUE.

ME AND MY DAUGHTER HONESTLYARGUE.

SHE CAN'T EVEN TALK.

SHE KNOWS A COUPLE WORDS, RIGHT?

SHE CAN PUT A COUPLE SENTENCESTOGETHER.

BUT IT'S LIKE EVERY TIMEI TELL HER SOMETHING, SHE ALWAYS

GOT SOMETHING TO SAY BACK.

IT DON'T MATTER WHAT I SAY;SHE ALWAYS GOT TO GIVE ME

SOMETHING BACK,AND IT MAKES ME MAD.

WE GOT INTO AN ARGUMENTOVER JUICE THE OTHER DAY.

SHE CAME INTO THE ROOM.

SHE WAS LIKE, "DADDY, JUICE."

I SAID, "NO, YOU HADENOUGH JUICE.

GO GET SOME WATER."

AND SHE LOOKED AT ME.

SHE WAS LIKE:[speaking nonsense]

"JUICE."

AND I LOOKED AT HER.

"WHO THE [bleep] YOU THINKYOU TALKING TO?

I'M SO PROTECTIVE OF MY KIDS,THOUGH.

I REALLY AM.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE TAKING MY KIDSOUT THAT MUCH NO MORE.

I GET INTO ARGUMENTSWITH THE OTHER KIDS.

I THINK KIDS PLAY TOO ROUGH.

I DO.

ME AND THIS BOY GOT INTO ITAT CHUCK E. CHEESE.

IT WASN'T A FIGHT;IT WAS AN ALTERCATION.

WE GOT INTO A LITTLEALTERCATION, BECAUSE MY BABY

WAS IN THE BALLS.

HE WAS THROWING THE BALLSAT MY DAUGHTER'S HEAD,

THROWING THE BALLS,HITTING MY DAUGHTER

RIGHT IN THE HEAD.

POW.

MY DAUGHTER'S SO DAMN STUPID,SHE THOUGHT IT WAS A GAME.

SHE PLAYING.

SHE LIKE, "DADDY, LOOK."

SO I'M GETTING MAD.

I'M LIKE, "THROW A BALL BACK!"I'M PISSED OFF.

I LOOK AT MY SON.

HE'S JUST LOOKINGAT THAT [bleep].

I WAS MAD AT THE WAYMY FAMILY LOOKED AS A UNIT.

LIKE, WE DIDN'T LOOK GOODAS A UNIT, MAN.

LIKE, MY DAUGHTER, SHE'S TAKINGBALLS TO THE FACE.

MY SON'S SHAKING HIS HEADAND SLOBBERING.

I'M SMALL.

WE LOOKED LIKEA [bleep] CIRCUS ACT.

I WAS SO PISSED OFF.

I NEVER BEEN SO MADAT MY WIFE IN MY LIFE.

I WAS LIKE, "WHY WOULD YOUDRESS US IN DIFFERENT COLORS?

WE LOOK LIKE CLOWNS.

FROM NOW ON, SOLID COLORSWHEN WE GO OUT.

WE LOOK LIKE A TEAM.

SOLID COLORS."

MY DAMN KIDS, THOUGH, MAN.

YOU GOT TO ACCEPT YOUR--ACCEPT WHAT YOU HAVE,

ACCEPT THE LIFE THAT YOU CHOSE.

I DON'T MIND THE PRESSURETHAT COMES WITH KIDS, THOUGH.

I CAN TAKE THAT PRESSURE.

I DON'T LIKE THE PRESSURETHAT WOMEN PUT ON MEN.

I THINK WOMEN PUT WAY TOO MUCHPRESSURE ON MEN.

THEY DO.

Y'ALL DON'T EVEN REALIZEHOW MUCH PRESSURE YOU PUT

ON MEN.

IS THAT YOUR LADY RIGHT THERE,MAN?

HOW LONG Y'ALL BEEN TOGETHER?

OH, SO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANWHEN I SAY, "PRESSURE."

SHE EXPECTS A LOT FROM YOU.

SHE WANTS YOU TO PROVIDEFOR HER AND PROTECT HER.

WHETHER YOU REALIZE IT OR NOT,SHE DO.

LIKE, RIGHT NOW, IF A FIREBREAK OUT RIGHT NOW,

BIG-ASS FIRE, POOF,GO UP IN THE FLAMES,

THE FIRST THING SHE'S GOINGTO DO IS LOOK AT YOU LIKE:

YOU GOT TO COME UP WITH A PLAN,IN HER MIND, YOU KNOW.

"BABY, GET ON MY BACK.

I'M GOING TO BUST USOUT OF HERE."

SHE WANT--SHE WANT TO HEARSOMETHING STUPID LIKE THAT.

"BITCH, YOU BETTER STOP, DROP,AND ROLL AND FIND THAT EXIT.

I WAS WORKING OUTAND EVERYTHING.

I WAS SERIOUSABOUT MY SINGING CAREER.

HAD TO STOP WORKING OUT'CAUSE SOME NAKED GUY TRIED

TO TALK TO ME IN THE GYM.

I AIN'T LIKE THAT.

HE WAS ASS NAKED, TRYING TO HAVEA CONVERSATION WITH ME

WHILE I WAS AT MY LOCKER.

I'M GETTING MY STUFF OUT OFMY LOCKER, AND HE CAME UP

TO ME.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY, MAN.

SO HOW LONG YOU BEEN A MEMBER?"AND I WAS LIKE, "WHY IS

YOUR [bleep] HARD?

WHAT KIND OF GYM IS THIS?

WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN, MAN?"I GOT A LITTLE BUTT;

THAT'S THE FIRST THINGI THINK ABOUT.

I DIDN'T HAVE MY WHISTLE.

IF I HAD MY WHISTLE,I WOULD HAVE FELT BETTER.

I DIDN'T WANT TO ASK FOR A HUG,'CAUSE HE WAS HARD.

I DON'T WANT THAT [bleep]POKING ME IN THE BELLY BUTTON.

THAT'S KIND OF LIKE INTERCOURSE,A LITTLE BIT.

I AIN'T WANT TO FEEL THAT.

I REALLY WAS SERIOUSABOUT WORKING OUT.

YOU HONESTLY WANT TO KNOW WHYI STOPPED GOING TO THE GYM,

THOUGH?

I SAW ONE OF THEMREAL STRONG GUYS.

YOU EVER SEE THEM REAL BIGDUDES, REAL HUGE, NO NECK,

JUST BEING IN THE GYM,WORKING OUT?

I SAW HIM ONE DAY,AND I JUST GOT MAD.

I WAS LIKE, "DUDE,WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?

THAT'S IT; YOU WON.

YOU GOT 'EM ALL.

LIKE, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?"LIKE, Y'ALL DON'T UNDERSTAND

HOW MAD THAT MAKES MEWHEN YOU'RE THAT BIG

FOR NO REASON.

LIKE, IF YOU'RE GOING TO GETTHAT BIG, THERE'S GOT TO BE

A REASON.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

LIKE, WHEN I ASK YOUWHY YOU'RE WORKING OUT,

YOU SHOULD TELL ME,"I'M TRAINING FOR THE OLYMPICS."

"I'M ABOUT TO ENTERTHE STRONGMAN COMPETITION."

SOMETHING.

THERE'S GOT TO BEA [bleep] REASON.

BUT WHEN YOU THAT BIGAND YOU WORK FOR T-MOBILE

AND YOU ANSWER THE PHONES--YOU TOO STRONG, [bleep].

YOU CAN'T EVEN HANDLETHE HEADSET--

"HELLO?

HELLO?"[grunting]

"HELLO?"[grunting]

YOU START MOVING [bleep]AROUND THE OFFICE, 'CAUSE--

[roars][talking unintelligibly]

SIT YOUR STRONG, UNPRODUCTIVEASS DOWN, MAN.

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