Bobby Slayton & Taylor Negron

  • 02/24/1992

BUT I'M IN MY 40s NOW,I'VE, UH...

I DON'T KNOW, I JUST...WHEN YOU RAISE YOUR NECK

YOU ALMOST HAVE TO DOA BAD BRANDO IMPRESSION.

BUT I SAID I HAVEFEAR OF COMMITMENT.

I ACTUALLY, THERE WASONE WOMAN I THOUGHT...

WHO WAS A LITTLE OLDER THAN ME

I THOUGHT I WASGOING TO MARRY HER

BECAUSE I WANTEDTO HAVE A KID AND I...

I USED TO LIE IN BEDAT NIGHT AND SAY

"OH, MAN, YOU KNOW, LIKE, GOD

"I'LL BE 170 AND SHE'LL BE 174

AND I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN..."

I MEAN, LIKE, YOU KNOW

IT'S LIKE, IT'S A STUPID EXCUSENOT TO BE WITH ANYBODY, I MEAN.

I TAKE INTIMACY BOOSTER SHOTS,LIKE, ONCE A WEEK AT MY DOCTOR.

I MEAN, I'M SCARED.

I GUESS I'M NERVOUS.

I GO TO DINNERWITH, LIKE, A NEW DATE.

I MEAN,BEFORE THE APPETIZER COMES

I LITERALLY SLIP INPRENUPTIALS-- IT'S SAD.

I GO, "GOSH, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

BY THE WAY, EVERYTHING I OWNBEFORE THE ENTREE IS MINE."

I DON'T... YOU KNOW,I DON'T MEAN TO BE SEXIST

BUT I'M JUST...I DON'T KNOW, I JUST, UH...

THEN WE MAKE LOVE, IF I'MLUCKY ENOUGH TO MAKE LOVE.

YOU KNOW, GETTING CLOSE--IT'S JUST TOUGH.

AFTER, YOU KNOW,AFTER INTERCOURSE, I SAY

"HEY, YOU'RE FREE TO GO NOW."

IT'S JUST SORT OF...

( laughter )

SHE SAYS, "DON'T YOU LOVE ME?

"CAN'T YOU TELL METHAT YOU LOVE ME?

"SAY... READ MY LIPS,SAY 'I LOVE YOU.'"

I GO, "NO, YOU'LL HEAR IT."

SHE SAYS, "HOW?"

"WORD OF MOUTH, WORD OF MOUTH."

YOU KNOW, SAD, I KNOW.

AND, UH, YOU KNOW,AND THEN AFTER INTERCOURSE

IF, UH, I'M LUCKY ENOUGHTO HAVE AN ORGASM, UH...

I JUST CAN'T STAY IN BED.

I HAVE TO, YOU KNOW, IF I'M ATHER HOME I JUST HAVE TO SPLIT.

YOU KNOW, I MAKE UP THESE, LIKE

REALLY DESPICABLEEXCUSES TO LEAVE.

I GO, "GOD, MY ANT COLONY!

MY ANT COLONY..."

BUT, UM, THE OTHER NIGHT

I WAS WITH THIS WOMAN

AND I WAS STARTINGTO FALL IN LOVE WITH HER

AND I GOT SCARED.

THIS IS THE FIRST SIGN: YOU GETSCARED, THEN YOU START TO LIE

AND YOU TRY TO RUN AWAY.

THIS IS A PROBLEMWITH MEN AND WOMAN, YOU KNOW

FEAR OF COMMITMENT.

AND, YOU KNOW, RIGHT AFTER WE,YOU KNOW, UH, WE MADE LOVE

I SAID, "LOOK, I'M SORRY,BUT I FAKED MY ERECTION.

I'M SORRY."

( laughter )

HEY, I'M SHARING IT WITH YOU.

IT'S SAD THAT I'M SHARING ITWITH STRANGERS.

BUT NO, YOU'RE NOTSTRANGERS ANYMORE

BECAUSE I'LL BE OUT HEREFOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

SO, YOU KNOW,WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

I DRESSED LIKE YOU, YOU SEE?

I GREW UP WATCHING YOU.

THAT'S WHY I DRESS LIKE THIS.

GRANDPA RICHARD LEWIS.

AND DON'T BE IN SUCH A HURRYTO GET MARRIED.

I'M HAPPILY MARRIED.

MARRIAGE IS A FINE INSTITUTION.

IF I WASN'T MARRIEDI WOULD NEVER KNOW

WHEN I'M DRIVING TOO FAST

OR THE AIR CONDITIONERWAS ON TOO HIGH.

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHO CAME UPWITH THE IDEA OF MARRIAGE

BUT I'LL TELL YOUSOMETHING RIGHT NOW:

IT WAS NOT A GUY'S IDEA.

BECAUSE MANY YEARS AGO

SOME SHMUCK MUST HAVE BEENSITTING THERE GOING

"LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

"THE WAY THIS WORKS IS

"I CAN'T SLEEP WITHANYBODY ELSE EVER AGAIN

AND IF THINGS DON'T WORK OUT,YOU GET TO KEEP ALL MY STUFF."

WHAT A GREAT IDEA!

THIS IS GREAT.

RICHARD DESIGNED THIS HIMSELF.

THIS IS WHAT LIBERACE WOULDHAVE DONE WITH HIS HOUSE

IF HE ONLY HADA COUPLE OF HUNDRED BUCKS.

IT'S A PLEASURE TO BE HERE.

GET A LOAD OF THIS.

THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS...

YESTERDAY, I'M IN FLORIDA.

TODAY I SPEND THE DAYIN TRAFFIC SCHOOL.

I GO TO MIAMI YESTERDAYTO DO A BIG ANTIDRUG SHOW

THAT WAS SPONSOREDBY THIS ORGANIZATION

JEWISH WOMEN AGAINST DRUGS

THE MIAMI JEWISH CHAPTER,SOMETHING LIKE THAT

AND THEIR CAMPAIGN SLOGAN WAS,"JUST SAY NAH, NAH, NAH."

SO I WAITED TO FLY OUT OF MIAMI.

YOU KNOW BEFOREYOU GET ON A PLANE

HOW THEY ALWAYS MAKETHOSE ANNOUNCEMENTS?

ANY OLD PEOPLE,ANY HANDICAPPED PEOPLE--

THEY LET THEM ONTHE PLANE FIRST.

BUT IN FLORIDATHEY JUST SHOULD HAVE SAID

"EVERYBODY BUT YOU, BOBBY.

EVERYBODY BUT BOBBYGET ON THE PLANE NOW."

YOU WATCH THESE ELDERLY FOLKS.

THEY WALK LIKE THEY HAVEMAGNETS IN THEIR SHOES.

IT'S LIKE THEY BOUGHTTHESE SHOES AT K MART

AND THEY FORGOT TO CUT

THE PLASTIC THINGHOLDING THEM TOGETHER.

SO TODAY I GO TO TRAFFIC SCHOOL.

THOSE OF YOU THAT LIVE HERE,I'M SURE YOU'VE DONE THIS.

I SPENT EIGHT HOURSOF MY LIFE THIS MORNING

BEFORE DOING THIS SHOW

EIGHT HOURS OF MY LIFE

IN A CLASSROOM FULL OF PEOPLEFROM SOUTHEAST ASIA NAMED:

( tongue clicks )

( laughter )

A ROOMFUL OF PEOPLE

THAT THOUGHT IT WAS OKAYTO MAKE A U-TURN ON THE FREEWAY

BECAUSE THEY SAW AN ALUMINUM CANON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD.

I'M NOT TRYINGTO REINFORCE STEREOTYPES

SO DON'T START WRITING LETTERS.

ASIANS ARE FINE DRIVERS

ALTHOUGH A LOT OF CHINESE GUYSHAVE THE SAME HAIRCUT.

THEY'RE NOT THAT CREATIVEWITH HAIRSTYLES.

IN THIS COUNTRY,YOU GO TO A BARBERSHOP

THEY HAVE ALL THE DIFFERENTHAIRDOS ON THE WALL.

WHAT DO THEY GOT IN CHINA?

LIKE, 100 PICTURES OF MOE?

( Chinese accent )"WE HAVE ALL KIND OF HAIRCUT.

"WHAT KIND OF HAIRCUT YOU WANT?

HERE WE HAVE MOE, MOE, MOE..."

"YOU MAKE ANY HAIRCUT."

"YOU A TOUGH CUSTOMER.

"MOE, MOE...

"HERE WE GOT SPECIALHAIRCUT FOR YOU."

"MOE.

PETE ROSE, MOE."

( laughter )

NO, THERE'S ENOUGH RACIALTROUBLE IN THE COUNTRY.

I'M NOT TRYING TO ADD TO THAT.

THERE'S SO MANY MORONSOUT THERE DRIVING.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHATTHE PROBLEM IS ABOUT AMERICA?

16 YOU GET TO DRIVE

18 YOU GET TO VOTEAND 21 YOU GET TO DRINK.

THAT'S WHAT SUCKSABOUT THIS COUNTRY.

YOU OUGHT TO CARRY AN I.Q. CARD,NOT AN I.D. CARD.

YOU'RE A MORON,YOU SHOULD HAVE LIMITED RIGHTS.

YOUR I.Q. IS UNDER 100

YOU KEEP THE SHAKEMACHINE CLEAN, GOOBER.

YOU'RE AN IDIOT,YOU'RE NOT VOTING.

IT'S LIKE THE 21-YEAR-OLDDRINKING AGE.

WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT?

I'M NOT SAYING TEENAGERSSHOULD BE ALLOWED TO DRINK

BUT THERE ARE ADULTSTHAT SHOULDN'T BE IN BARS.

YOU LOOK LIKE A TEENAGER.

YOU COULD HAVEA COUPLE OF COCKTAILS

GO HOME, WATCH M.T.V.AND BE JUST FINE.

IN A NIGHTCLUB, THEY SHOULD ASKFOR YOUR I.Q. CARD.

"YOUR I.Q.'S ONLY 30.

"WELL, IT ISA COUNTRY AND WESTERN BAR.

I GUESS YOU CAN COME ON IN."

SO MANY IDIOTS OUT THERETHAT NEED TO BE STOPPED.

IT'S AMAZING WHEN YOU LOOKAT THE AMERICAN PUBLIC--

AND NOT YOU PEOPLE,YOU'RE VERY HIP PEOPLE--

THE PEOPLETHAT DON'T HAVE CABLE--

WHAT AMAZES MEIS HOW MANY TIMES A YEAR

DO YOU WATCH THE NEWSAND HEAR A STORY

ABOUT SOMEBODYGETTING HIT BY A TRAIN?

NOW, HOW DO YOUGET HIT BY A TRAIN?

AND THEN THE FAMILY'SALWAYS TRYING TO SUE AMTRAK

LIKE IT'S THE TRAIN'S FAULT.

LIKE THE TRAIN WASN'TWHERE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.

LIKE IT WENT OFF THE TRACKS

AND IT RAN INTOA SCHOOLYARD FULL OF KIDS.

YOU GET HIT BY A TRAIN,YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

THE TRAIN'S COMING OVER HERE.

STAND OVER HERE.

IT'S NOT A BULLET.

YOU HAVE TIME TO SEE THE TRAIN.

IT'S LIKE KIDSPUT ON ROCK RECORDS

AND THEN KILL THEMSELVES.

THE PARENTS SAY, "OZZY OSBOURNETOLD MY BOY TO KILL HIMSELF."

"YOUR KID WAS AN IDIOT."

I WATCHEDWARNER BROTHERS CARTOONS.

I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT SHOVINGA FIRECRACKER UP A CAT'S BUTT

BECAUSE TWEETY BIRD DID IT.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW, AND I'D LIKETO TRY TO GIVE PEOPLE CREDIT.

SOMETIMES THE AMERICAN PUBLICIS SO STUPID.

THAT'S WHY THEY HAVEINSTRUCTIONS ON SOUP.

THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE

THAT DON'T KNOW HOWTO WORK A CAN OF SOUP.

THEY TALK YOU THROUGH IT.

"PUT IN SAUCEPAN, HEAT, SERVE."

IF YOU CAN'T WORK SOUP,YOU SHOULD STARVE TO DEATH

BECAUSE IF THAT DOESN'T KILL YOUYOU'LL GET HIT BY A TRAIN.

AND THERE'S AN 800 NUMBERON THE CAN YOU CAN CALL.

"CALL US, WE'RE THE SOUP PEOPLE.

WE'RE HERE TO HELP YOU."

I'M JUST ANGRY.

I GOT NO PATIENCE FOR STUPIDITY.

THAT'S WHY I LOVETHE DEATH PENALTY.

I THINK IT'S SO COOL.

SILENCE IN THE ROOM.

"WHERE'S BOBBY GOING WITH THIS?"

LISTEN IN, I'LL TELL YOU.

A LOT OF YOU ARE PROBABLYAGAINST THE DEATH PENALTY.

MY WIFE SAYS,"IT DOESN'T STOP OTHERS."

"YEAH, BUT IT STOPPED THIS JERK.

WE'LL WORRYABOUT THE OTHERS LATER."

IT'S LIKE BUGS IN YOUR KITCHEN.

YOU KILL THE BUGS.

YOU KNOW THERE'LL BE MORE BUGS.

LEAVE A COUPLE OF DEAD BUGSAS AN EXAMPLE TO THE OTHER BUGS.

DEATH PENALTY IS LIKEONE OF THE COOLEST THINGS.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T UNDERSTANDTHESE JEFFREY DAHMER GUYS.

IN AMERICA,YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GET JUDGED

BY A JURY OF YOUR PEERS.

HOW DO THEY FIND 12 GUYS

THAT EAT OTHER PEOPLEAND FREEZE THEIR HEADS?

I'M NOT JEFFREY DAHMER'S PEER.

DON'T CALL ME.

BUT I LOVE THE FACTTHAT CRAZY PEOPLE

ALWAYS GET OFF THE DEATH PENALTYBY PLEADING INSANITY.

"MY CLIENT'S CRAZY,"THE LAWYERS SAY.

"HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE DID."

FINE, HE DOESN'T KNOWWHAT HE DID.

THEN HE DOESN'T KNOWWE'RE GOING TO KILL HIM.

YOU DON'T TELL THE GUY.

PUT HIM IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.

TELL HIM IT'S A RIDE.

( laughter )

THEY WANTED TO SHOWTHE DEATH PENALTY ON TELEVISION.

BUT TOO MANY PEOPLE DECIDEDTHEY FIND THIS OFFENSIVE.

DON'T WATCH IT.

I FIND FISHING ON TV OFFENSIVE.

SOME FAT GUY WITH HIS BUTTSHOWING, TIPPING OVER A CANOE.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT,SO I CHANGE THE CHANNEL.

EVERYBODY SAYS,"WHAT IF KIDS SEE THIS?"

KIDS OUGHT TO SEE THIS.

STOP SCARING YOUR KIDS WITH THATTOOTH FAIRY, SANTA CLAUS STUFF.

YOU WANT TO SETA KID'S ASS STRAIGHT

YOU GOT THE DEATH PENALTY ON TV.

"YOU'RE NOT GOINGTO DO YOUR HOMEWORK?

"WATCH THIS, JUNIOR.

"SEE WHAT HAPPENSWHEN YOU DON'T EAT BROCCOLI.

LOOK AT THE EYES COMING OUTOF HIS HEAD."

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR ME.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEENA GREAT CROWD.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

( cheering and applause )

LEAVE IT TO SLATEN,HE MOCKED ME.

HE SAYS, "OH, YOU KNOW,YOU'LL NEVER GET MARRIED.

I HAVE A KID."

THIS FEAR OF INTIMACY THINGIS LIKE...

IT'S ALMOST A DISEASE,A PSYCHOLOGICAL DISEASE.

YOU KNOW,HE DOESN'T BELIEVE ME.

I KNOW YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.

YOU'RE STARING AT ME.

YOU'RE LOOKING AT MELIKE I'M A PSYCHO.

THE TRUTH IS I MAKE LOVE

I HAVE AN INTERCOURSE DOUBLECOME INTO BED.

"ALL RIGHT, PAUL,WANT TO TAKE OVER?"

AND THEN I, YOU KNOW,I JUST GO BOWLING OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW, I JUST, UH...

IT'S HARD, IT'S HARDTO GET CLOSE, YOU KNOW

AND THEN I COULDN'T, WELL...

TWO WEEKS AGOTHIS TREMENDOUS WOMAN--

PARDON ME, WE HAVE SOME PHLEGM,TABLE FIVE.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU NEED TISSUES OR ANYTHING?

( laughter )

THAT WAS QUITE A PHLEGM DEAL.

IT'S ONE THING GOING:( clears throat )

BUT THAT WAS LIKE A CANNON.

( laughter )

I WAS WITH THIS WOMANA COUPLE WEEKS AGO.

I JUST COULDN'T DO IT.

I COULDN'T, AND I...

SO I TRIED TO MAKE AN EXCUSE.

I SAID, "HEY, IT'S NOTLIKE YOU'RE LOSING AN ORGASM

BUT YOU'RE GAINING A FRIEND."

TO ME THAT WASA NICE THING TO SAY.

ALL OF THIS INTIMACY BUSINESSAND COMMITMENT

WHICH IS VERY IMPORTANT

BUT TRUE LOVEVERSUS INFATUATION.

WHEN YOU'RE AT A BARAND YOU SEE SOMEBODY

AND YOUR HEART STARTS TO POUND.

YOU GO, "OH, WOW,THAT'S IT FOR ME."

IT LASTS LIKE A WEEK.

BECAUSE IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY

THE GUY OR THE WOMANHAS SOME WOLF HAIR

GROWING OUTOF THEIR EAR, YOU KNOW.

IF YOU'RE MAKING LOVEAND YOU'RE HOT AND HEAVY

WITH, LIKE, A NEW PERSON,LIKE YOU'RE:

"I LOVE YOU, TAKE ME, WANT ME.

"BY THE WAY, TOMORROW CAN YOUCOME TO THE MENTAL INSTITUTION

AND VISIT MY COUSIN?"

IF THEY SAY, "NO,"YOU KNOW, FORGET ABOUT IT.

UH, I'M NOT SUREWHO TAYLOR IS RELATED TO

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

"I'M LUKE PERRY'S DRAMA TEACHER.

"I'LL OUTLEARN YOU

"I'LL OUTREAD YOUAND I'LL OUTPHILOSOPHIZE YOU.

"I'LL OUTLIVE YOU.

"COUNSELOR.

COUNSELOR."

I'M SORRY, I'M OBSESSEDWITH CAPE FEAR.

HE'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE,"I LIKE HIM, BUT I'M SCARED."

( laughter )

WELL, I SHOULD TELL YOUA LITTLE BIT ABOUT MYSELF.

I'M 35 YEARS OLD.

ACTUALLY, I'M 34 BUT I LIKETO SAY I'M A YEAR OLDER

SO WHEN I GET TO THE YEARI'M NOT FREAKED OUT.

YOU KNOW, I HATE SURPRISES.

I'M A JOSEPH CAMPBELL MANIN A ROSEANNE ARNOLD WORLD.

UM, I'M A VERY NERVOUS,KIND OF ANXIOUS

KIND OF A RICHARD LEWISTYPE OF PERSON.

I KNOW TOO MUCH.

YOU KNOW, I WATCH THE DISCOVERYCHANNEL, I WATCH NOVA

AND I JUST THINKI KNOW TOO MUCH, YOU KNOW.

I JUST FOUND OUT THAT...

I MEAN, I NEVER KNOW

WHETHER I'M EATINGTOO HIGH ON THE FOOD CHAIN

OR TOO LOW ON THE FOOD CHAIN.

I JUST FOUND OUTTHAT IT TAKES 60 POUNDS OF WHEAT

TO MAKE ONE POUND OF HAMBURGER.

THAT'S SO MUCH,WITH THE OVERGRAZING

AND THE DEPLETIONOF THE RAIN FOREST.

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU'RE HAVINGA QUARTER POUNDER

YOU'RE REALLY HAVINGA QUARTER OF AN ACRE.

( laughter )

IT'S TOO MUCH.

I'M A SELF-TAUGHT MAN.

I NEVER WENT TO COLLEGE.

I LEARNED EVERYTHING ON MY OWN.

MY HIGHEST LEVEL OF EDUCATIONWAS HIGH SCHOOL.

I NEVER WAS IN A FRATERNITY.

I NEVER HAD THAT EXPERIENCE.

I NEVER HAD A MAJOR.

THE ONLY DEGREE I HAVEIS IN RESTRAINT

AND THEY'RE TRYING TO TAKE THATAWAY FROM ME RIGHT NOW.

BUT I'M FORTIFIEDBY MY CHOICES IN LIFE.

I REALLY AM VERY FORTIFIED.

I FEEL SO FORTIFIED I FEELLIKE A FLINTSTONE VITAMIN.

I EAT FLINTSTONE VITAMINSBECAUSE, YOU KNOW

I JUST LOVE THE IDEA YOU CAN GETYOUR MINIMUM DAILY REQUIREMENT

FROM EATING ONEOF THE FLINTSTONES, YOU KNOW.

EVERY MORNING I JUST POP A FREDAND HAVE A FRANGELICO BACK.

YOU SEE, IT'S AN IMPORTANT THING

THAT IN THE MORNING YOU KIND OFPROGRAM YOUR LIFE AND YOUR DAY.

I LAY IN BED EVERY MORNINGAND I THINK TO MYSELF

THIS IS GOING TO BEA POSITIVE, GENTLE DAY

I'M GOING TO ACCOMPLISH THINGS

IN A VERY LOVING, VERY GIVING,VERY CHRISTIC WAY.

EVEN THOUGH THERE ISA HOLE IN THE OZONE

EVEN THOUGH THERE'S WHOPPER BAGSEVERYWHERE, I'LL GO ON.

YOU SAY,"I'LL MAKE SOME MALT-O-MEAL.

"WHAT A LOVING, GENTLE,COMFORTING THING TO DO--

HAVE SOME MALT-O-MEAL."

YOU OPEN UP THE REFRIGERATORAND THEN IT BEGINS.

THE MILK IS TOTALLYFROM ANOTHER MONTH, OKAY?

JUST TOTALLY BAD MILK.

IT'S SO BAD IT HAS RELATIVESNAMED YOPLAIT, OKAY?

SO YOU JUST DECIDE,"OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL DO?"

THERE'S NOTHINGIN THE REFRIGERATOR.

THERE'S A HEINEKEN.

SO YOU GO,"WELL, THIS HAS MALT IN IT."

ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'RE DRUNK.

IT'S IN THE MORNING ANDYOU'RE FILLED WITH SELF-HATE.

OKAY, YOU'RE FILLED WITH ANGER.

YOU GO, "OH, MY GOD,I'M TOTALLY DRUNK."

IT'S 8:00 IN THE MORNING.

THIS IS THE CRUCIAL MOMENT.

DO NOT HATE YOURSELF.

THIS IS THE TIMETHAT YOU HAVE TO LET IT GO.

JUST BREATHE OUT.

DO NOT BECOME ANGRY.

THIS FRIEND OF MINE,HE'S TOTALLY ANGRY.

HE'S 40 YEARS OLD

AND HE'S ENRAGED WITH VITRIOLICHATE TOWARD EVERYTHING.

HE IS STILL BITTERTHAT THE BEATLES BROKE UP.

HE'S TOTALLY ANGRYTHAT THE BEATLES BROKE UP.

DON'T GET HIM STARTED ON YOKO,BECAUSE HE WILL GO BALLISTIC.

I MEAN, I'M SERIOUS.

HE WILL TOTALLY...

THEN THERE'S THIS GIRL I KNOW,SHE'S TOTALLY ANGRY, TOO

IN THIS KIND OF SERBO-EURO-ETHNIC-PAN-ASIAN KIND OF WAY.

VERY BLACK, SHE NEVER SMILES

AND SHE'S VERY ANGRY AND BITTERTHAT WHAM! BROKE UP, YOU KNOW

SO I PUT HER TOGETHER

WITH MY FRIEND WHO CAN'TBELIEVE THE BEATLES BROKE UP

AND THEY GOT TOGETHER

AND NOW THEY'RE PETITIONINGJOHN MELLENCAMP

TO PUT THE COUGAR BACK.

( laughter )

FORGIVE YOURSELF.

THAT WORD WILL NEVER GO OUTOF STYLE, "FORGIVENESS."

I FORGIVE MYSELF.

I FORGIVE MY D.N.A.

I FORGIVE MY GENES.

I FORGIVE THAT I WASPROGRAMMED TO HAVE FLAT FEET.

I FORGIVE THE FACTTHAT I HAVE SOFT TEETH.

I FORGIVE MILLI VANILLI.

I FORGIVE MY PARENTS FOR NOT,YOU KNOW

INVESTING IN SONYOR POLAROID OR XEROX.

I FORGIVE MY INNER CHILDREN.

I FOUND OUT THAT I HAVEA LOT OF INNER CHILDREN.

HAVE YOU HEARD THIS?

THAT WE ALL HAVE, LIKE,AN INNER CHILD IN US

AND THAT TO BE HAPPY ADULTS

WE HAVE TO DEALWITH OUR INNER CHILD?

I FOUND OUT THAT I HAVE THEENTIRE VON TRAPP FAMILY IN ME.

WE HAVE MORE INNER CHILDREN...

I HAVE SO MANY INNER CHILDREN

I HAVE TO SET UPAN INNER CHILDREN REFUGEE CAMP.

BUT HAVE YOU NOTICED THIS?

THEY'RE LIKE HAVINGTHIS '70s NOSTALGIA NOW.

I MEAN, WHO CARESABOUT THE DECADE OF THE '70s?

IT WAS SUCH A BURNT-ORANGE,AVOCADO-GREEN TIME, YOU KNOW.

IT WAS SUCHA TAMBOURINE-SLAMMING, ABBA

KIND OF A POLY/COTTON TIME ANDI WANT TO FORGET IT, YOU KNOW.

I ACTUALLY HAVE NOSTALGIAFOR THE '80s.

I REALLY DO.

I REALLY, REALLY HAVENOSTALGIA FOR THE '80s.

I MISS RUSSIA.

I MISS THE SOVIET UNION.

I MISS THE BERLIN WALL.

I MISS CYNDI LAUPER.

I WANT TO HAVE A NOSTALGIA PARTYFOR THE '80s, YOU KNOW

WHEN WE CAN ALL WEAR, LIKE, FLASHDANCE SWEATSHIRTS

AND LISTENTO CHEAP TRICK RECORDS

AND SELL JUNK BONDSTO EACH OTHER, YOU KNOW.

I'M NOSTALGICFOR THE TIME I CAME OUT HERE.

REMEMBER WHENI WALKED OUT HERE?

I MEAN, THAT WASA REALLY MARVELOUS TIME.

REMEMBER HOW GOODWE FELT ABOUT EACH OTHER

AND HOW GOOD WE FELTABOUT OUR COUNTRY?

I REALLY HAVE TO GO NOW.

I HAVE TO PICK UP ONEOF MY INNER CHILDREN AT SCHOOL--

MY INNER MIDDLE CHILD,THE IMPATIENT CHILD.

THE LAST TIME I WAS LATEHE THREW A TUNA SANDWICH AT ME

SO I DON'T WANT TO BE LATE.

BUT YOU'VE BEEN A VERY NICEAUDIENCE AND I FORGIVE YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( applause )

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