Monday, August 4, 2014

  • 08/04/2014

Moshe Kasher, Donnell Rawlings and Jesse Joyce list #ShartCelebs, write taglines for awful SkyMall products and learn shocking facts about Denmark.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> STOP OBJECTIFYING ME!

>> HOW THE (BLEEP) DO WOMEN DOTHIS?

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR.PRESIDENT.

>> THAT'S EXACTLY AS DIGNIFIEDIT WAS WHEN MARILYN MONROE DID

IT.

>> Chris: HAPPY BIRTHDAY,MR. PRESIDENT WAS THE TOP U.S.

TWITTER TREND.

DEVIANT ART ALSO CELEBRATE THEBIG DAY. WHICH OF THESE DEVIANT

ART WORKS HAD THE MOST VIEWS?

A, OBAMA YOU ARE A COOLPRESIDENT, AND EXCLAMATION

POINTS, I LOVE YOU.

OBAMA AND I ARE BIRTHDAYBUDDIES, WOW, WOW, WOW, RITE.

>> B, BARACK 0-LLAMA

>> THEY SHOULD USE A BLACK LAMBMA IN THAT, MAN.

>> HE IS HALF WHITE.

>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

>> C, OBAMA, THE DALAI LAMA, THEQUEEN, MICHAEL JACKSON AND

BATMAN CELEBRATING THIS CHILD'S30TH YEAR BIRTHDAY?

>> YES, JESSE.

>> THE -- C.

ALTHOUGH I DON'T THINK THATMICHAEL JACK AND ON IS ALLOWED

AT A CHILD'S 30TH YEAR BIRTHDAY.

>> WELL, CERTAINLY NOT AS ACORPSE

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> LET'S FIND OUT THE CORRECTANSWER IS C.

>> WELL DONE.

>> FOR BONUS POINTS WHAT WOULDYOU GET PRESIDENT OBAMA FOR HIS

BIRTHDAY, MOSHE KASHER.

>> A NEW MIDDLE NAME.

>> I AM THINKING BARACK REAGANOBAMA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE, NICKI MINAJ STIRRED UPA BIG OL' BUTT FULL OF BUZZ ON

SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN SHE LEAD THEAUDIO OF THE REMIX TO BEYONCE'S

"FLAWLESS." THEN, LAST NIGHT --OH SHE WASN'T NEAR DONE --

SHE DROPPED A SHORTTY TEASER FORHER NEW VIDEO ANACONDA.

HERE'S AN EYE FULL.

>> MY ANACONDA. DON'T, MYANACONDA DON'T. MY ANACONDA

DON'T WANT NONE UNLESS YOU GOTBUNS, HON.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> BUT, THAT TEASER IS JUST

BASICALLY 15 SECONDS OF SOMEONEELSE'S SONG.

>> SIR MIX-A-LOT'S "BABY GOTBACK," WHICH DATES BACK TO

1992, I KNOW SOME OF YOU DON'TKNOW THERE IS A 1992 IN

OUR AUDIENCE, BUT THERE WAS ANDSIR MIX-A-LOT (BLEE) BROUGHT IT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> COMEDIANS, WHAT DO YOU HOPE

WILL BE IN THE FULL MUSIC VIDEO,MOSHE KASHER.

>> A VERY EROTIC COLONOSCOPY.

>> POINTS.>> DONNEL.

>> WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE INTHIS VIDEO, AND I HAVE TO BE

HONEST, MY DICK!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> JESSE.

>> I WOULD LIKE TO SEE HER ANDONE OF THE BACK WHITEUP DANCERS

GET A LITTLE JUNGER FEVER AND BYTHAT I MEAN MALARIA.

>> POINTS. POINTS.

HASHTAG WARS.

>> WE WILL HAPPILY BECELEBRATING COMEDY CENTRAL'S

SHART WEEK WITH TONIGHT'SHASHTAG, #SHARTCELEBS.

>> SO EXAMPLES MIGHT BE FECESWITHERSPOON, OR DWAYNE THE LOG

JOHNSON, OR CHRIS SPLAT.

>> I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK STARTING NOW AND GO.

>> MOSHE.

>> BRAD (BLEEP) AND ANGELINADOOK-IE.

>> YES, GOOD, POINTS. NICE.JESSE.

>> DYSENTERY BRADSHAW.

>> YEAH, OK, GOOD. POINTS.MOSHE.

>> BRADLEY POOPER, CRAPGALIFIANAKIS AND ED "DIARRHEA"

HELMS IN HANG OVER POOP.

>> WOW.

>> I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU 200POINTS FOR THAT.

JESSE.

>> IS MY (BLEEP) WORKING, MAN?>> Chris: NO, YOU HAVE TO HAVE

YOUR HAND ON THE BUZZER.>> YOU HAVE TO HIT THE BUTTON.

>> I HIT THE (BLEEP) TWICE, MAN.

>> JESSE.

>> I HAVE NEVER FEET LIKE I WASGOING TO GET PUNCHED MORE.

>> JOHN MEXICAN TAP WATERS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DONNEL.

>> FOR THE BLACK PEOPLE, DR.REVEREND SHARTIN' LUTHER KING.

>> Chris: WOW, POINTS. MOSHE.

TAYLOR SWIFTLY GET ME HOME I AMABOUT TO (BLEEP) MY PANTS.

>> POINTS. JESSE.

>> EDWARD JAMES ALMOST(BLEEP) MYSELF.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

DONNELL.

>> OH, JESSE AGAIN. SORRY.

>> MAN!>> JESUS CHRIST.

>> ABRAHAM BLUMPKIN.

>> Chris: YES! BY THE WAY--

AS WE ALL KNOW, WAS SHOT BY JOHNWILKES POOTH.

>> POINTS.

DONNEL.

>> SHART-KEEL O'NEILL.

>> Chris: YEAH, NICE, POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> SARAH PALIN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DONNEL.

>> SHART-SENIO! HALL!>> POOP, POOP, POOP, POOP!!

CRY MALL, CRY MALL.

SKYMALL, THE GREAT TIME WASTEROF THE SKY, FROM BIGFOOT

GARDEN YETI STATUES TO PORTABLEINFRARED SAUNAS.

THE WONDERS WERE USUALLYRESERVED FOR AN ELITE FEW WHO

WERE FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO PARTAKEIN THE LUXURY OF AIR TRAVEL --

BUT FEAR NOT LAND BOUND VIEWERS!

SKYMALL HAS A WEBSITE NOW!

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOWYOU AN ITEM THAT I KNOW I DON'T

NEED AND IS ONLY AVAILABLE ONSKYMALL.COM, AND THEN I WANT

YOU TO SELL IT TO ME IN ONEGLORIOUS LOG LINE. ALL RIGHT?

HASHTAG WARS #SHARTWEEK.

FISRT UP WE HAVE THIS COMPLETELYUSELESS ITEM -- FROM SPACE!

ROSWELL.

>> THE ALIEN BUTLER BECAUSE WHENWE CAPTURE THEM WE WILL PUT THEM

INTO INDENTURED SERVITUDE.

DONNEL.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE AN ASHY KEVINHART IF YOU REALLY GET A

CLOSE LOOK AT IT. LOOK HOW SHORTIT IS! LOOK HOW SHORT IT IS!

>> OH, NO.

>> YOU CAN TELL SOMEBODY CLASSYWOULD BUY IT BECAUSE THEY HAVE

LEATHER BOUND BOOKS ON THEFLOOR FOR NO (BLEEP) REASON.

>> I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS. NEXT ONE, FINALLY SKY NET HAS

THIS FUN WAY TO MAKE YOUR ASSFEEL LIKE ROYALTY.

HERE IT IS.

>> YES.

MOSHE.

>> IN THE GAME OF PORCELAINTHRONES, YOU (BLEEP) OR YOU DIE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS. DONNELL.

>> SOME (BLEEP) WHITE PEOPLEWILL BUY IT.

>> HEY THAT'S RACIST! THAT'SRACIST!

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

>> YES, BUT IT IS TRUE.

>> JESSE.

>> FOR AN EVEN MORE REALISTICMEDIEVAL EXPERIENCE (BLEEP) IN

YOUR DRINKING WATER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> NEXT ONE.

THIS SINGING GONDOLIER BEFOREYOU GIVE US THE TAG LINES WE

HAVE AN AMAZING VIDEO OF THIS.

>> Chris: JESSE.

>> HEY, ITALIAN GARBAGE MEN, USEYOUR POOL FOR SOMETHING

OTHER THAN DROWNING POLICEINFORMANTS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DONNEL.

>> MORE (BLEEP) WHITE PEOPLEWOULD BUY.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS. LASTONE.

ONE OF A KIND SHIRT AND THANKGOD FOR THAT.

ONE OF A KIND SHIRT.

>> JESSE.

>> FOR SALE, ONE BRAZILIANMILITARY UNIFORM.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WELL DONE.

>> THAT SHIRT DOES LOOK LIKE ITSHOULD COME WITH A LAWYER, THO

>> I DON'T THINK ANYTHING WOULD(BLEEP) WITH THAT SHIRT.

SOMETHING IS BAT (BLEEP) IN THESTATE OF DENMARK.

NOW WE ALL HAVE KNOWN FOR AWHILE THAT JAPAN IS ONE

ROBOT OCTOPUS SEX TOY AWAY FROMCRAZY TOWN AND GERMANY'S NOT FAR

BEHIND WITH THEIR FECAL PORN ANDMURDER METAL MUSIC, BUT YOU KNOW

WHO'S REALLY CREEPING UP ONTHEM? DENMARK.

FOR INSTANCE, THEY HAVE SIGNS ONTHEIR BUSES ENCOURAGING

PASSENGERS TO MAKE OUT WITH EACHOTHER. WHICH IS WHAT THAT IS.

SO COMEDIANS I AM GOING TO GIVEYOU NUTTY DANISH FACTS AND YOU

TELL ME WHICH ONE IS REAL. OKAY?FIRST UP.

DENMARK IS HOME OF THE WORLD'S SMALLEST PENIS COMPETITION, OR

DENMARK IS HOST OF THEBI-ANNUAL TESTICLE OLYMPICS.

MOSHE.

>> UGH TESTICAL OLYMPICS. ISTILL REMEMBER THE FLAVOR.

>> DID YOU GET THE GOLD?

>> IT IS TRUE WHAT THEY SAYTHERE IS SOMETHING ROTTEN IN THE

STATE OF DENMARK.>> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS --

>> A DANISH DATING SITE ISREWARDING YOUR SHORTCOMING BY

OFFERING A BRAND-NEW IPHONE FIVETO THE MAN WHO LEAST MEASURES

UP TO THE CHALLENGE. THE COCKYCONTESTANT WITH THE SMALLEST

WIENER WINS.

>> THANKS, HUFFINGTON POST.JOURNALISM ACHIEVED!

>> EVERY TIME YOU ANSWER YOURPHONE IT IS JUST A REMINDER.

>> YES.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT PHONE? OH, I STOLE IT.

>> THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD GET THEBLACK IPHONE, MAN.

>> YEAH.

I GOT THE WHITE ONE.

>> AND LASTLY, SIGNS HAVE BEENPOSTED ALL OVER PARTS OF

COPENHAGEN SAYING SEX IS ALLOWEDBUT BE RESPECTFUL OF THE

KINDERGARTENERS OR CERTAINDANISH MAIL BOXES HAVE BEEN

PAINTED WITH A GREENCHECK-MARK, WHICH MEANS THE CITY

HAS DEEMED THOSE ONES OKAY TOJERK OFF ON THEM. MOSHE?

>> IT IS DEFINITELY THE FIRSTONE, I HAD A GREAT TRIP THERE.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

IT IS, IN FACT, -->> INCIDENTALLY ACCORDING TO IT

IS OKAY TO JERK OFF ON ANYMAILBOX.

>> THERE ARE NO RULES ABOUTTHAT.

>> THEY SHOULD HAVE ASIGN OUTSIDE SAYING THANK YOU

FOR VISITING OUR PARK, COMEAGAIN.

DOES THIS SOUND RACIST? DOESTHIS SOUND RACIST?

>> NOW THE INTERNET IS FULL OFINTENTIONALLY RACIST PEOPLE, IF

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME GO TO AYOUTUBE COMMENT THREAD. BUT WHAT

ABOUT THE UNINTENTIONALLYRACIST? THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO SAY

SOMETHING NOT REALIZING IT IS ARACIST TERM FOR THE SWISS, FOR

EXAMPLE.

>> FORTUNATELY THERE IS A RACIALSURE DATABASE AT RSDB.ORG.

>> BY THE WAY, ALL THE PEOPLETHAT ARE UNINTENTIONALLY RACIST

ARE JUST CALLED -- WHITE PEOPLE.

>> AND INTERESTLY, ALL THEPEOPLE THAT ARE INTENTIONALLY

RACIST ARE CALLED WHITE PEOPLE.>> FUN FACT!

>> COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO COMEUP WITH BENIGN HARMLESS TERMS

THAT SOUND LIKE POTENTIALLYRACIAL SLURS, I AM PUTTING

60-SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.YES JESSE.

>> POT STICKERS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, JESSE.

>> DIRT DEVILS.

>> IT IS A VACUUM CLEANER.

>> Chris: MOSHE.

>> I WANT TO CLARIFY ALL OF MINEARE JEWS.

SO -- I HAVE A COUPLE OFGRINGATS BANKERS OVER HERE.

>> Chris: GRINGATS BANKERS.POINTS.

DONNEL.

>> SNICKER-LOVER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> GOT A COUPLE OF FERENGES OVERHERE.

>> ALL RIGHT, POINTS. JESSE.

>> JAZZ APPLE.

>> Chris: MOSHE.

>> GOT A COUPLE OF BEARDEDBAGELS OVER HERE.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

DONNEL.

>> CHUCKLE-(BLEEP)ERS.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

JESSE.

>> MUD SQUIRREL.

>> Chris: DONNEL.

>> JEW-TANG CLAN AIN'T NOTHINGTO (BLEEP) WITH

>> Chris: POINTS.

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