Robert Kelly: Live at the Village Underground

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 01/09/2015

Robert Kelly discusses the dangers of eating healthy, reveals the hardest parts of being a man and explains why fat people are better people.

Ha! Look at the size ofyou two.

Did you guys get in a workoutbefore the show tonight?

Dude, I know wherethere's a New York

Sport Club right by the club.

I don't like in-shape peoplemake me-- in-shape men suck.


Fat people, we're better people.

We're nicer people.

You're a shit person, I'm sorry.

You're a shit dude, becauseyou've never hated yourself.

You know, you love yourself.

You love life.

You wake up early.

You sleep like anhour of [beep] sleep.

I want life.

I want to live in this body.

I want to [beep] sleep nude.

I bet you sleep nude.

I know you sleep naked.

You do.

I've been a fatty my whole life.

This is my sixth fat.

You guys, you don't even knowwhat the hell that is, do you?


You've just been alittle, thin, medium guy.


What fat are you on?

MAN: Five.

-That's your fifth fat?

What about you?

That looks like your second fat.

Yeah, ha!

That's a two-fatter.

That-- that's when you goa little further, but then

pull it back.

Yeah, the next one's goingto be a big one, dude.

The third is a mother [beep].

The third fat-- this isa third fat, right here.

That's a-- I just think skinnypeople are shitty people.

We're better people.

Fat guys, we're nicer becausewe've hated ourselves.

Do you understand that?

And you've never hatedanything about you.

Your life is beautiful.

You get to buttonand zip shit and tie

your shoe whenever you want.

What a joyous thingto tie a shoe.

My shoe is untied.

Let me get it.


That's amazing to guys like us.

To me, I have to holdmy breath like I'm

swimming for conch shells.

I might not make it back.

You understand that?

That's never happened to you.

You never woke up in a Targetparking lot two hours later,

when your shoes andchick were gone,

and some skateboard punkwrote fatso across your tits

with a Sharpie.


No, you know what I mean?

Like I'm a fatty.

When I say fatty Idon't mean physically.

You don't have to be 1,000pounds to be a fatty.

I can see fatty in your faces.

You ever eat with somebodyand they stop eating?

They're just done?

Need That's you.

I'm done.

Whoa, but there's foodright-- what about that food?

I'm done.

I know, but I'm done, too!

But there's food-- areyou taking that home?


Can I, can I have that?

Is that me?

That's a superhero.

But you ever eat with somebodyand they just stop eating?

It's like, whatthe fuck is that?

How do you do that?

Are your parents still together?

Who taught you that?

That's an amazing feat!


If I could be a superhero,I'd be "I'm Done Man".

That's what-- fuck flying.

In the middle ofevery meal, I'm done!


My wife is one of those.

My wife is one of those.

In the middle of a mealshe's like, (IN WIFE'S VOICE)

I'm full.And I'm just chowing.

And then she's like,(IN WIFE'S VOICE)

Honey, aren't you full, too?

I've been full for 20 minutes,but the pain from my childhood

still exists in my chest, soI usually eat until that dies.

Yeah, try to stop this.

I'll murder everybodyat Cheesecake Factory.

Everybody dies.

I know I asked for your help,but not fucking tonight, bitch.

Not tonight.

Now pass me the bread.


She does.

It's a drug.

You know you're a fatty whenfood makes you feel better.

When you feel shitty and you canfeel better with just a couple


You ever come homeon a Saturday night?

You're sad, you're lonely.

You got nobody.

Everybody else seemsto have somebody.

And then you look and yourcat just licking her vagina.

Doesn't even come toyou. [kissing sound]

[kissing sound] Then youlook on top of the fridge

and there's an unopenedbox of Cheez-its.

And you smile like you justmet a girl on a gondola ride.


And you eat that wholebox with no water,

so halfway throughyou're [eating sound]

--more Cheez-its.


It just sucks cause there's nohelp.

There's nothing out there.

I've been fat my whole life.

And now I gotta goto the gym again.

I've gotta eathealthy, which sucks.

I can't even haveranch dressing.

I have to havevinaigrette, which blech.

Mm, that's the face you making.

Num, num, like you wentdown on an old lady.

That's the same.

I would imagine thatwould be the same.

I've never donethat, but I figured

it's be dusty and a little--hm, what is that, apple?

I've gotta do all that shit.

It just sucks.

I hate it.

I wish they would-- allthe technology we have,

all the amazing shit we can do--

Everybody in theroom has a phone.

That's crazy.

20 years ago, youhad to go home,

if you wanted to use thephone or use the pay phone

and get bum AIDS on you're ear.

Remember that?

You had to go home.

You had to go home tothe room with the phone.

It was one room, not everyroom, with a [beep] cord.

You had to undo it.

Now everybody inthe room-- and you

have a phone in your pocket.

Not just phone, it'sa magic machine.

It has photos andvideos and games.

You can take a video of yournuts and send it to an Eskimo

in an igloo in Alaska.

And he could go, haha, nuts, and laugh.

You can make an Eskimolaugh with your blonde nuts.

It's amazing.

And they can't make an appletaste like mac and cheese?

That shit can't happen?

Take a bite of a green apple.

Five taste buds are like, yay,apples, like five of you guys.

Apples are here, yay.

Take a bite of mac and cheese.

Every taste bud islike, mac and cheese.

Oh, my god, mac and cheese.

Mac and cheese, mac andcheese, mac and cheese.

That's the wayeverything should taste.

Be you.

Be you.

Yeah, be you.

I'm serious.

She's smoking hot.

But you still give ashit what she thinks.

Stop it.

You're a piece of shit too.

be you.

Push her in a bush tonight.

Who gives a shit?

Do it.

She be mad for two days.

You'll laugh for nine yearsremembering her sexy shoe

foot sticking out of a bush.

And she's wearing a dress.

That would be a bush in abush, the best story ever told.

You could go country tocountry. [foreign accent]

Tell the bush in a bush story.

I don't care.

I don't care anymore.

I farted in a baby's face.

You heard me, a baby, nota child that could run away

and defend itself with Kung-Fu--a heavy-headed defenseless


All he could do was--

I don't fart in baby's faces.

That's not my thing.

That's no what I do.

It's what I did.

Do you understand?

I don't--

I don't have a van withlollipops on the side

and drive aroundlooking for children.

Hi, [fart noise]and then drive away.

One day, I had very badgas, like, you know,

chunky dudes do.

And I was on another dietwhere they ship you the food.

And that food is not real food.

It's just proteinand alcohol sugar.

And it makes yourstomach just full of gas,

and the farts that comeout are just atrocious.

They're just--

And I was walking around.

I was letting farts out.

I thought it was fun.

And then it got to thepoint, where I was like,

oh, I don't know whatthis next one is.

I'm in trouble.

I don't--

I might shit my pantsas an adult again.

I don't-- You know,I had-- I stopped.

You know, I stopped

And I was like, let mejust try to work this out.

Let me let some gas out.

And I looked around.

Nobody was there.

And I bent over.

I kind of went into my zone.

You know, there's like azone, when you're like,

I'm not going to shit.

Like, you can undo it sometimes.

There's a couple--[grumbling] and then you're

like, if I can just let a littlegas out, I can make it home.

I can make it home.

But if I takeanother step without.

I'm gonna shit.

I'm not-- let me leta little-- you know,

just pull one cheek over to theside and try to concentrate.

You know what I mean?

Like you can use your ninjatechniques to shut down

levels of asshole.

And then, out ofnowhere, a lady comes up

with a baby in thebaby carriage and just

sees me blocking the sidewalk.

And she's like, sir, excuse me.

I'm in a rush.

Excuse me.

But I'm in the fourth dimension,trying not to shit my pants.

I don't hear this broad.

Then she parks the baby'sface in my asshole,

like that's going towake me up somehow.

And it was one of thosenew baby carriages,

where the baby's sittingup like a factory manager

looking over the floor.

So his face was in my asshole.

And I was young, Iwould have held it.

But I'm almost dead,just [fart noise] right

in its face, laughingin the mother's face.

Just, what?

Did you hear that?

She was so mad, which madeit even funnier to me.

She was like, in a child's face,real-- [gags] I was like, yes.

You don't know me.

Don't par you baby's face ina stranger's asshole, moron.

But the funniest partwas the baby's face,

because the baby didn'tknow what a fart was.

He smelled it and felt it.

His little hairblew up and shit.

But he tried to fight it,like it was a ghost, just--

And then, he gave up.

He quit.

Have you ever seena defeated baby

face-- funniestface I've ever seen.

Please fart in a baby'sface before you die.

It's not all [bleep] fun,getting older.

I mean, it's freeing.

There's some things that suck.

Some things-- gettingolder, for me, it was hard.

Because for men, I think, wehave to learn how to love.

And that's a--

You know, that right there.

I see-- I see this.

And it's hard to do.

And we get such a bad rap too.

That's the hardest part.

We're going tolearn how to do it,

and we're being called [beep]assholes, when we do it.

But that's your job, ladies.

Your job is to makeus better people,

because you're raisedbetter than us.

We're raised [beep] up.

We are.

We're taught to be shitty.

We're taught to be men.

Be a man!

You're taught tobe human beings.

You guys get tospin in sundresses

and sing songs that cometo mind, just (SINGING)

butterflies and conversationswith my real dad.

Hi, papa.

I picked wild flowers for you.

We're raised to be men.

Be a [beep] man.

We have to protect you fromIndians and bears and shit.

We can't like cut shit.

We can't be emotionalwith things.

Because we might have tokill it someday, because you

need shoes for the winter.

Do you understand that?

You guys are, look at thelittle kittens. [beep] kittens.

Put those on your feet.

Wear his head as a hat.

Let's go.

The zombies are coming.

Let's do this.

If you see morekittens, let me know.

We need lunch.

Spin in-- we don't get to spinin sundresses as a little boys.

You know how awesome asundress would have been

after a hot little leaguegame, just to cool my junk off

for five seconds ofmy hot sac existence?

No, I've been hotballs my whole life.

I have balls.

Men have balls.

Why don't we wear dresses?

Why the [beep]?

You've got littleslices that seal up.

Once the air hitsthe juice, it seals.

We get hot bubble gum between--

We should have dresses andthe bikes with the swoosh.

We get the bike with the bar.

We're [beep] smashing our nuts.

We should be able to fanour balls off on a subway

and have a swoosh, so wedon't hit our nuts on a bike.

Somebody [beep] up somewhere.