Ross Shafer & Barry Diamond

  • Season 1, Ep 0117
  • 02/24/1992

Ross Shafer struggles to relate to women, and Barry Diamond uses mashed potatoes in gang warfare.

YOU GUYS MARRIED?I'M JUST CURIOUS.

REALLY? BECAUSEYOU LOOK MARRIED.

THERE'S NO CHANCEIN THE WORLD, RIGHT?

SO I PICKED THE WRONG TABLE--I'M SORRY.

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO A WEDDINGIN ABOUT TWO WEEKS

WHEN I GO BACK TO NEW YORK

AND I HAVE A COUSIN...I'M CHANGING HIS NAME

BECAUSE HE'LL PROBABLY MURDER MEIF I MENTION IT

BUT LET'S CALL HIM WALDO

BUT FRANKLY,THAT'S NOT REALLY HIS NAME.

BUT HE'S GETTING MARRIEDFOR THE FIFTH TIME, AND...

LOOK, I'M JEWISHAND I'M PROUD OF IT

BUT I'M NOT THATDEEPLY RELIGIOUS

BUT WALDO,HE'S PSYCHOTIC, OKAY?

AND THIS MARRIAGEIS HIS FIFTH MARRIAGE

AND I ROOT FOR HIS BRIDES NOTTO SHOW, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I MEAN, IT SHOULD BE TAKINGPLACE AT TEMPLE BETH MISTAKE

QUITE FRANKLY.

AND MY MOTHER, WHO I LOVE--

I LOVE YOU, MOM, YOU KNOW THAT,YOU'RE WATCHING, I KNOW--

BUT, I MEAN,I CHANGED MY NUMBER...

NOW, LOOK, THERE'S 290 MILLIONPEOPLE THAT LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY

SO EVERY... I'VE BEEN ON TV--

OR I WAS, ON ANYTHING BUT LOVEFOR FOUR OR FIVE YEARS

SO YOU GOT A COUPLEOF WACKOS CALLING.

SO MY MOTHER SAYS, "I GAVE"--THIS IS WHY I'M NUTS--

SHE SAYS, "I GAVE CRAZY WALDOYOUR NEW NUMBER."

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

WHY, WHY, WHY?

SHE SAYS, "I KNOW, I KNOW,BUT IF HE CALLS YOU

DON'T CALL HIM, HE'S NUTS."

THAT'S THE LOGIC I WAS...I GREW UP WITH, YOU KNOW.

BUT HE'S GETTING MARRIED,AND I'M GOING

AND I WAS AT HISLAST FOUR WEDDINGS

AND I'M SURE THIS TIMETHERE WILL BE, LIKE, AGAIN

A COMMITTEE TO SAVE THE BRIDE

LIKE, CIRCLINGTHE CATERING HALL.

THE LAST TIME WAS SAD--

THE BEST MAN WAS DRESSED UPLIKE FATHER TIME

BECAUSE WE KNEW IT WOULD BE LIKEA DOWNER FOR THE BRIDE, AND...

( laughter )

THE CATERER WAS SO HIP HE HADA COLLAPSIBLE WEDDING CAKE--

WENT RIGHT INTO AN ATTACHE.

AND THEN THE CAKE!THE LAST WEDDING CAKE

THEY HAD THE, YOU KNOW,THE EIGHT-TIER THING

WITH THE BRIDE AND THE GROOM,THE LITTLE DOLLS.

THERE WAS ACTUALLY-- I DON'TKNOW WHO PUT IT ON THERE--

THERE WAS A SOCIAL WORKER DOLLON THE CAKE.

WELL, I THOUGHTTHAT WAS PRETTY HIP, AND, UH...

BUT I DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW

ALL THESE WEDDINGS,THEY'RE A NIGHTMARE.

I MEAN, THE LAST WEDDINGWENT ON ENDLESSLY.

IN FACT, IT WASA LITTLE TRIO PLAYING--

YOU KNOW,A VIOLINIST AND A FLUTIST--

OR A FLAUTIST, I DON'T KNOW,I'M AN IDIOT--

BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY STOPPED.

I SAID, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

THEY SAID, "WE RAN OUTOF CLASSICAL MUSIC."

THAT'S HOW LONGTHIS WEDDING WENT ON.

AND THE FAMILY ISDEPRESSED ANYWAY.

WE WERE DOING THE BUNNY HOP

TO THE SOUND TRACKOF THE PAWNBROKER.

IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

BUT YOU KNOWWHAT WAS REALLY COOL?

HIS LAST WIFE, WHO-- HE'SDIVORCED NOW-- WAS GENTILE;

HE'S JEWISH...HE'S CRAZY, BUT HE'S JEWISH.

SO THERE WAS A RABBIAND A PRIEST

DOING LIKE A SIMULTANEOUS DEAL.

AND THE PRIEST WAS SO HIP,BECAUSE HE...

THEY MET BACKSTAGE...NOT BACKSTAGE

BEHIND THE PULPIT...THE ALTAR, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M NOT MARRIED,I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

BUT THE PRIEST KNEWIT WAS DOOMED

SO HE WENT, "OH, GOD BLESS THEM"AND DID THE CROSS DEAL

BUT THE RABBIS HAVE A NEEDTO DREDGE UP THIS STUFF

FROM, LIKE, NOAH'S ARK.

AND HE WAS TRYINGTO FAKE OUT THE PRIEST.

HE SAYS, "LOOK OUT,THERE'S RODAN!"

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN HE WENT...

( speaking fake Hebrew )

AND HEY, WHO AM I TO MOCK?WHO AM I TO MOCK?

I'M 44, I HAVEN'TBEEN MARRIED, I'M...

THE WORDS "I DO,"I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE

SAYING THAT ON AN ALTAR.

I MEAN, EVEN NOW, I GO OUT,I MAKE LOVE, I'M IN BED

EVEN IF I GET AROUSED

MY PENIS IS IN THE SHAPEOF A QUESTION MARK.

SO, I MEAN, WHO AM I? COME ON.

( laughter )

BUT, UH... YOU KNOW...

"YOU KNOW" ISA COMIC SORT OF SEGUE

WHEN YOU BELCH,AND THEN YOU COVER IT UP.

UM... BUT THIS WEDDINGIS GOING TO BE A NIGHTMARE.

I MAY AS WELL FINISHTHIS STORY OVER.

IT'S A NIGHTMARE FOR ME,I GOT TO BE THERE IN TWO WEEKS.

THE PHOTOGRAPHER WILL BE THERE,THE LEWIS FAMILY PHOTOGRAPHER.

"BE DEVASTATED!"

( imitates camera shutter clicking )

IT'LL BE THAT KIND OF THING.

BUT THERE ARE A LOT OF COUSINS

WHO ARE IN THEIR 40sWHO HAVEN'T BEEN MARRIED

AND THEY THROW THAT BOUQUET DEALAT THE END.

ONE COUSIN--I HAVE TO CHANGE HER NAME.

I'LL CALL HER...I'LL CALL HER VENUS.

SHE'S ALWAYS THERE,AND I LOVE HER

BUT I DON'T THINK SHE'S RIGHTTO BE MARRIED.

BEFORE EVERY WEDDINGI SEE HER...

IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE SUPER BOWL.

IT'S LIKE THE ROCKY THEME--

SHE ACTUALLY BRINGSA ROCKY THEME CASSETTE

A LITTLE BLACK UNDER HER EYES,SHOULDER PADS.

I HEARD RUMORS THAT LAST YEAR

SHE WENT TO THIS SUMMERBOUQUET FANTASY CAMP, YOU KNOW

JUST TO BE READY.

IT'S SAD, TO ME IT'S SAD.

BUT SHE'LL BE THERE, YOU KNOW

AND IN FACT,ACTUALLY, LAST YEAR--

SHE DIDN'T GET MARRIED THIS YEAR

BUT LAST YEAR AT WALDO'S WEDDINGSHE CAME OUT, SHE HAD THE BLACK

THE SHOULDER PADS,THE WHOLE THING

BUT SHE WAS SO HIP--SHE PUT STICKUM ON HER HAND

AND WHEN THE BRIDE THREWTHE THING, SHE WENT...

IT WAS LIKE WILLIE MAYSIN 1954 IN THE WORLD SERIES.

SHE ACTUALLY MADEA TREMENDOUS LEAP

AND THE BOUQUET STUCKTO HER HAND BECAUSE OF THIS...

( laughter )

I WAS TREMENDOUSLYIMPRESSED BY THAT.