The A-List
Season 1

Ross Shafer & Barry Diamond

  • Season 1, Ep 0117
  • 02/24/1992

YOU GUYS MARRIED?I'M JUST CURIOUS.

REALLY? BECAUSEYOU LOOK MARRIED.

THERE'S NO CHANCEIN THE WORLD, RIGHT?

SO I PICKED THE WRONG TABLE--I'M SORRY.

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO A WEDDINGIN ABOUT TWO WEEKS

WHEN I GO BACK TO NEW YORK

AND I HAVE A COUSIN...I'M CHANGING HIS NAME

BECAUSE HE'LL PROBABLY MURDER MEIF I MENTION IT

BUT LET'S CALL HIM WALDO

BUT FRANKLY,THAT'S NOT REALLY HIS NAME.

BUT HE'S GETTING MARRIEDFOR THE FIFTH TIME, AND...

LOOK, I'M JEWISHAND I'M PROUD OF IT

BUT I'M NOT THATDEEPLY RELIGIOUS

BUT WALDO,HE'S PSYCHOTIC, OKAY?

AND THIS MARRIAGEIS HIS FIFTH MARRIAGE

AND I ROOT FOR HIS BRIDES NOTTO SHOW, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I MEAN, IT SHOULD BE TAKINGPLACE AT TEMPLE BETH MISTAKE

QUITE FRANKLY.

AND MY MOTHER, WHO I LOVE--

I LOVE YOU, MOM, YOU KNOW THAT,YOU'RE WATCHING, I KNOW--

BUT, I MEAN,I CHANGED MY NUMBER...

NOW, LOOK, THERE'S 290 MILLIONPEOPLE THAT LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY

SO EVERY... I'VE BEEN ON TV--

OR I WAS, ON ANYTHING BUT LOVEFOR FOUR OR FIVE YEARS

SO YOU GOT A COUPLEOF WACKOS CALLING.

SO MY MOTHER SAYS, "I GAVE"--THIS IS WHY I'M NUTS--

SHE SAYS, "I GAVE CRAZY WALDOYOUR NEW NUMBER."

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

WHY, WHY, WHY?

SHE SAYS, "I KNOW, I KNOW,BUT IF HE CALLS YOU

DON'T CALL HIM, HE'S NUTS."

THAT'S THE LOGIC I WAS...I GREW UP WITH, YOU KNOW.

BUT HE'S GETTING MARRIED,AND I'M GOING

AND I WAS AT HISLAST FOUR WEDDINGS

AND I'M SURE THIS TIMETHERE WILL BE, LIKE, AGAIN

A COMMITTEE TO SAVE THE BRIDE

LIKE, CIRCLINGTHE CATERING HALL.

THE LAST TIME WAS SAD--

THE BEST MAN WAS DRESSED UPLIKE FATHER TIME

BECAUSE WE KNEW IT WOULD BE LIKEA DOWNER FOR THE BRIDE, AND...

( laughter )

THE CATERER WAS SO HIP HE HADA COLLAPSIBLE WEDDING CAKE--

WENT RIGHT INTO AN ATTACHE.

AND THEN THE CAKE!THE LAST WEDDING CAKE

THEY HAD THE, YOU KNOW,THE EIGHT-TIER THING

WITH THE BRIDE AND THE GROOM,THE LITTLE DOLLS.

THERE WAS ACTUALLY-- I DON'TKNOW WHO PUT IT ON THERE--

THERE WAS A SOCIAL WORKER DOLLON THE CAKE.

WELL, I THOUGHTTHAT WAS PRETTY HIP, AND, UH...

BUT I DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW

ALL THESE WEDDINGS,THEY'RE A NIGHTMARE.

I MEAN, THE LAST WEDDINGWENT ON ENDLESSLY.

IN FACT, IT WASA LITTLE TRIO PLAYING--

YOU KNOW,A VIOLINIST AND A FLUTIST--

OR A FLAUTIST, I DON'T KNOW,I'M AN IDIOT--

BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY STOPPED.

I SAID, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

THEY SAID, "WE RAN OUTOF CLASSICAL MUSIC."

THAT'S HOW LONGTHIS WEDDING WENT ON.

AND THE FAMILY ISDEPRESSED ANYWAY.

WE WERE DOING THE BUNNY HOP

TO THE SOUND TRACKOF THE PAWNBROKER.

IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

BUT YOU KNOWWHAT WAS REALLY COOL?

HIS LAST WIFE, WHO-- HE'SDIVORCED NOW-- WAS GENTILE;

HE'S JEWISH...HE'S CRAZY, BUT HE'S JEWISH.

SO THERE WAS A RABBIAND A PRIEST

DOING LIKE A SIMULTANEOUS DEAL.

AND THE PRIEST WAS SO HIP,BECAUSE HE...

THEY MET BACKSTAGE...NOT BACKSTAGE

BEHIND THE PULPIT...THE ALTAR, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M NOT MARRIED,I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

BUT THE PRIEST KNEWIT WAS DOOMED

SO HE WENT, "OH, GOD BLESS THEM"AND DID THE CROSS DEAL

BUT THE RABBIS HAVE A NEEDTO DREDGE UP THIS STUFF

FROM, LIKE, NOAH'S ARK.

AND HE WAS TRYINGTO FAKE OUT THE PRIEST.

HE SAYS, "LOOK OUT,THERE'S RODAN!"

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN HE WENT...

( speaking fake Hebrew )

I HAVE A NEW COOKBOOKTHAT JUST CAME OUT.

I WROTE A COOKBOOK,IT'S CALLED COOK LIKE A STUD.

I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH.

IT'S 38 RECIPES MEANT TO PREPAREIN THE GARAGE

USING YOUR OWN TOOLS, AND...

AND I DID THIS BECAUSEI FEEL SOME OBLIGATION

TO PRESERVE MASCULINITYIN AMERICA.

IT'S... IT'S... THERE ISA PROBLEM-- SEE?

( applause )

FOR EXAMPLE,THERE SHOULDN'T BE ANY MEN

IN THESE ICE SKATING EVENTSAT THE OLYMPICS.

( laughter )

YOU SEE THESE LITTLESKINNY SEQUINED BOYS...

( laughter )

AND THEY SIT... AFTER A GOOD JOB

WHAT DO THEY GET AS THEIRREWARD? A COUPLE OF ROSES.

THAT DOESN'T HAPPENIN A MAN'S JOB, DOES IT?

YOU OUGHT TO HEAR SOME...

"HEY, I'LL TELL YOU, ERNIE,WE WAS WATCHING YOU

"PULL THAT TRANSMISSION--YOU DID A HELL OF A JOB.

"SO, UH, ME AND THE BOYSCHIPPED IN

AND GOT YOU SOME FLOWERS."

( laughter )

WANT TO SPICE UPTHOSE ICE SKATING EVENTS?

LET HOCKEY PLAYERS GET INVOLVED.

"HERE'S GRETZKY WITH A TRIPLETOE LOOP AND A DOUBLE SALCHOW.

WE HAVE A FIGHTON THE ICE NOW..."

( laughter )

HOCKEY PLAYERS--THERE'S SOME STUDS FOR YOU.

SEE, THERE ARE NO HOCKEY PLAYERSIN VICTORIA'S SECRET, ARE THERE?

I'VE GONE IN THERE A FEW TIMES.

I'LL GIVE YOU GUYS A TIP:WHEN YOU GO IN

ESTABLISH YOU'RE NOT LOOKINGFOR SOMETHING IN YOUR SIZE.

SAY, "I'M LOOKING FORSOMETHING FOR MY WIFE

BECAUSE I GOT A LOT OF JEANS ANDBOOTS AND GUNS THERE AT HOME."

( laughter )

"I DON'T NEED ANYTHING FOR ME."

AND THOSE SNOOTYSALESPEOPLE WON'T HELP YOU.

THEY WON'T TRYANYTHING ON FOR YOU.

YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.

SO I'M HUNTING AROUND,I JUST WANT TO GET IN AND OUT

SO I FIND THIS ONELITTLE LACE TEDDY

WITH THESE NIPPLE STROBE LIGHTS,AND I GET THAT...

( laughter )

AND I WANT TO PAY AND LEAVEWITHOUT BEING HUMILIATED.

CAN'T HAPPEN, WON'T HAPPEN

BECAUSE WHAT THEY DOIS PUT YOUR PURCHASE

IN THIS LITTLE, TINY,PETITE, POTPOURRI-SMELLING

GOLD-ROPE-HANDLE BAGFOR US STUD MEN TO WALK OUT.

NOW WE GOT TO GOUP AND DOWN THE MALL

WITH OUR HUNTING VESTAND THIS LITTLE BAG.

( laughter and applause )

SEE, IF THEY WANT USTO SHOP THERE

GIVE US A BIG, HEFTY, STRAPPINGMAN'S BAG, I SAY

BECAUSE I HAD NO CHOICE

BUT TO GO TO HICKORY FARMSAND BUY SOMETHING.

( laughter )

I'LL TELL YOU, THAT KIELBASA

WILL CUTTHAT POTPOURRI SMELL, TOO.

WE WANT TO BE STUDLY,YOU WANT US TO TALK.

YOU SAY, "OH, MEN SHOULDTALK TO US MORE."

WE WOULD, BUT YOU DON'T WANTTO TALK ABOUT BABES AND CARS.

( laughter )

THEY WANT TO TALKABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

YEAH, YOU ASK A RELATIONSHIPQUESTION TO A MAN

AND YOU HAVE A DEERIN THE HEADLIGHTS.

( laughter and applause )

"WELL, I, UH..."

( applause )

"I... I... I MIGHT HAVE SAID IT,BUT I DIDN'T MEAN IT."

( laughter )

YEAH, WE DON'T TALK VERY MUCH.

THE REASON WE DON'TTALK TO YOU IS

BECAUSE WHEN WE DO,WE END UP LYING

AND WE DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

LIKE, IF YOU EVER HEARA MAN SAY, "I'LL CALL YOU"

SEE, THAT'S YOUR FAULT.

THERE'S A LOT OF WOMEN THATTHINK WE'RE GOING TO CALL THEM.

BUT IN MAN LANGUAGE, "I'LLCALL YOU" MEANS "GOOD-BYE."

THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS.

AND IF YOU HEAR A MAN SAY,"I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND"

HE MEANS "IN THIS ROOM HERE."

( laughter )

ALL RIGHT?

"WITHIN EARSHOT, I'M PRETTY SURE

I'M NOT DATING ANYONERIGHT HERE."

AND YOU WOMEN DON'T SAYWHAT YOU MEAN, EITHER.

YOU THINK YOU DO, BUT...

LIKE YOU HEAR A WOMAN SAY

"I KNOW MONEY'S TIGHTTHIS CHRISTMAS.

LET'S JUST NOT GETEACH OTHER ANYTHING."

THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE MEANS.

WHAT SHE MEANS IS, "I DON'T CAREHOW YOU RAISE THE MONEY, BUB."

( laughter )

AND WOMEN DON'T WANT USTO BE HONEST.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WITH A WOMAN

WHERE SHE'S STANDING IN FRONTOF THE MIRROR AND SHE'LL SAY

"I THINK I'M GETTING FAT--WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

YOU'RE ONE WORD AWAYFROM CELIBACY AT THIS POINT.

( laughter )

BUT WOMEN WILL TALKTO EACH OTHER, ANY TWO WOMEN.

THEY'LL SAY, LIKE,"WHAT... WHAT DID HE SAY?

"AND THEN WHAT DID YOU SAY?

"AND THEN WHAT DID HE DO?

"HE DID?

"OKAY, I WANT YOU TO CALL ME...I WANT YOU TO CALL ME.

"I DON'T CARE WHAT TIME,YOU CALL ME.

WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS?"

( laughter )

MEN ARE DIFFERENT-- THEY'LL SAY,"HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

"HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WHILE.

"GETTING A DIVORCE?

YEAH, THOSE RAIDERS AREPLAYING GOOD BALL, HUH?"

( laughter )

WE ARE-- WE JUST WANT TO EAT,WANT TO HAVE SEX

WOULDN'T MIND EATING AGAIN...

( laughter )

BUT WE HAVE TO UNDERSTANDTHAT WOMEN ARE NOT LIKE THAT.

YOU CAN'T IGNORE A WOMANALL DAY LONG

AND THEN HOP IN THE BED AT NIGHT

AND EXPECT HER TO HAVEA PREHEATED OVEN.

FOR WOMEN, YOU DO HAVE TONURTURE; WOMEN WANT ROMANCE.

AND WE HAVE TO GIVE THAT TO THEMAND IN SIMPLE WAYS:

JUST LITTLE POST-IT NOTESAROUND THE HOUSE.

LITTLE THINGS-- "I LOVE YOU";"YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL";

"WHOSE COWBOY BOOTS ARE THESE?"

( laughter )

AND YOU HAVE TO TELL A WOMANOVER AND OVER AGAIN

THAT YOU LOVE HER.

SAY, "I LOVE YOU, I LOVE..."

WHEN YOU'RE SOBER.

( laughter )

BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK,YOU LOVE EVERYTHING, EVERYBODY.

AND SHE HAS TO FEEL IMPORTANT,YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO HER.

SHE'S GOT TO BEAS IMPORTANT TO YOU

AS FOURTH AND GOALWITH EIGHT SECONDS LEFT

BECAUSE THAT'S WHENSHE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.

AND YOU HAVE TO MAKEA WOMAN FEEL SAFE

WHICH IS SO EASY FOR US TO DO.

THIS IS THE ROLEWE WANT TO PLAY:

PROTECTOR OF THE HOUSEHOLD.

THAT'S WHY WE GOTO ACTION MOVIES.

YOU WOMEN GO TO SEEJEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME

BECAUSE YOU THINK HE'S CUTE,AND WE GO TO GET IDEAS.

( laughter )

THAT'S RIGHT-- WE'LL SEE HIMWASTE 40 GUYS IN 15 SECONDS

AND THINK TO OURSELVES

"THAT'S ABOUT HOW I WOULDHAVE HANDLED THAT, YEAH."

( laughter )

WE WILL, WE'LL GO HOMEAND PRACTICE THOSE MOVES.

TRY THAT... HIGH...I CAN'T GET THAT HIGH KICK.

I'VE VIDEOTAPED IT,AND I CAN'T GET UP THAT HIGH.

BUT I... AND I KNOWTHERE'S A VERY SLIM CHANCE

THAT TERRORISTS WILL TRYTO CAPTURE MY CUL-DE-SAC.

( laughter )

BUT I WANT TO BE READY, IN CASE.

AND THAT'S WHAT MEN WILL DO.

MEN WILL LAY IN BED-- IF THEYHEAR A NOISE, AN INTRUDER

THEY WILL MAKE A PLANON HOW TO HANDLE IT.

YOU WOMEN DON'T KNOW THIS

BUT WE ARE GOING THROUGHTHIS FRIGHTENING THING.

"SOMEBODY'S IN THE HOUSE...JESUS!

"WHAT'S MY PLAN?I GOT TO HAVE A PLAN.

"OKAY, I DON'T HAVE A GUN

AND I CAN'T GET THAT HIGH KICK."

( laughter )

"BUT I GOT A REALLY BIGCLOCK RADIO.

"ALL RIGHT, IF HECOMES TO THE DOOR

"I'LL BEAN HIMWITH THE CLOCK RADIO

"THEN WRAP HIM UPIN THE TELEPHONE CORD

"TILL THE POLICE GET HERE--THAT'S A GOOD PLAN.

I WISH I WASN'T NAKED."

( laughter )

THE TRUTH IS, IF YOU CHARGEAN INTRUDER NAKED

HE'LL PRETTY MUCHLEAVE YOUR HOUSE.

( laughter )

I WORKED CONSTRUCTION.

I KNOW ABOUT ALLTHIS MASCULINE STUFF.

I KNEW IF I'D SMASHEDMY THUMB WITH A HAMMER

AND THE CREW WAS AROUND

I'D DO EVERYTHING I COULDTO LAUGH IT OFF.

( laughing forcedly )

"YEAH, BUDDY!"

( laughing forcedly )

"I THINK IT'S BROKE!"

( laughter )

"HAND ME THAT OTHER HAMMER,LET'S GET BACK TO WORK."

AND HEY, WHO AM I TO MOCK?WHO AM I TO MOCK?

I'M 44, I HAVEN'TBEEN MARRIED, I'M...

THE WORDS "I DO,"I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE

SAYING THAT ON AN ALTAR.

I MEAN, EVEN NOW, I GO OUT,I MAKE LOVE, I'M IN BED

EVEN IF I GET AROUSED

MY PENIS IS IN THE SHAPEOF A QUESTION MARK.

SO, I MEAN, WHO AM I? COME ON.

( laughter )

BUT, UH... YOU KNOW...

"YOU KNOW" ISA COMIC SORT OF SEGUE

WHEN YOU BELCH,AND THEN YOU COVER IT UP.

UM... BUT THIS WEDDINGIS GOING TO BE A NIGHTMARE.

I MAY AS WELL FINISHTHIS STORY OVER.

IT'S A NIGHTMARE FOR ME,I GOT TO BE THERE IN TWO WEEKS.

THE PHOTOGRAPHER WILL BE THERE,THE LEWIS FAMILY PHOTOGRAPHER.

"BE DEVASTATED!"

( imitates camera shutter clicking )

IT'LL BE THAT KIND OF THING.

BUT THERE ARE A LOT OF COUSINS

WHO ARE IN THEIR 40sWHO HAVEN'T BEEN MARRIED

AND THEY THROW THAT BOUQUET DEALAT THE END.

ONE COUSIN--I HAVE TO CHANGE HER NAME.

I'LL CALL HER...I'LL CALL HER VENUS.

SHE'S ALWAYS THERE,AND I LOVE HER

BUT I DON'T THINK SHE'S RIGHTTO BE MARRIED.

BEFORE EVERY WEDDINGI SEE HER...

IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE SUPER BOWL.

IT'S LIKE THE ROCKY THEME--

SHE ACTUALLY BRINGSA ROCKY THEME CASSETTE

A LITTLE BLACK UNDER HER EYES,SHOULDER PADS.

I HEARD RUMORS THAT LAST YEAR

SHE WENT TO THIS SUMMERBOUQUET FANTASY CAMP, YOU KNOW

JUST TO BE READY.

IT'S SAD, TO ME IT'S SAD.

BUT SHE'LL BE THERE, YOU KNOW

AND IN FACT,ACTUALLY, LAST YEAR--

SHE DIDN'T GET MARRIED THIS YEAR

BUT LAST YEAR AT WALDO'S WEDDINGSHE CAME OUT, SHE HAD THE BLACK

THE SHOULDER PADS,THE WHOLE THING

BUT SHE WAS SO HIP--SHE PUT STICKUM ON HER HAND

AND WHEN THE BRIDE THREWTHE THING, SHE WENT...

IT WAS LIKE WILLIE MAYSIN 1954 IN THE WORLD SERIES.

SHE ACTUALLY MADEA TREMENDOUS LEAP

AND THE BOUQUET STUCKTO HER HAND BECAUSE OF THIS...

( laughter )

I WAS TREMENDOUSLYIMPRESSED BY THAT.

MY NAME IS BARRY DIAMOND, I LIVEIN SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES.

WE FEEL IT'S MUCH MOREHUMILIATING TO DRIVE BY

MANY TIMES OUR VICTIMSHAVE BEEN LEFT STANDING THERE

SAYING, "I WISH THATTHEY HAD SHOT ME!"

( laughter )

NOW, WE USED TO BE CALLEDTHE FRENCH-FRIED POTATO GANG.

BUT A LOT OF THE BROTHERS IN THEGANG HAVE CHOLESTEROL PROBLEMS.

( laughter )

YOU MAY RECOGNIZE MEFROM THE MOVIES HOUSE PARTY--

I WAS IN HOUSE PARTY 1AND HOUSE PARTY 2

I WAS IN BACHELOR PARTY,I WAS IN ANY MOVIE

THAT HAS THE WORD "PARTY" IN IT.

OR YOU MAY HAVE SEEN MEON THE TONIGHT SHOW

ARSENIO HALL,I WAS ON MERV GRIFFIN.

NOT THE SHOW.

( laughter )

( whooping )

BUT WHEN I FIRST STARTEDDOING STAND-UP COMEDY

THERE WERE ONLY A HANDFULOF COMEDIANS IN THIS COUNTRY

BUT TODAY, WITH ALL OF THECOMEDY SHOWS AND COMEDY CLUBS

THERE ARE THOUSANDSOF COMEDIANS.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,ONE OUT OF EVERY FIVE PEOPLE

IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

IS A PROFESSIONALSTAND-UP COMEDIAN.

( laughter )

SO, IF THE TWO PEOPLETO YOUR LEFT OR RIGHT

ARE NOT PROFESSIONAL COMEDIANS

THEN, OF COURSE, YOU ARE.

( laughter )

BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'TJUST BE A COMEDIAN TODAY

BECAUSE THERE ARESO MANY COMEDIANS.

I MYSELF, I AM PROUD TO SAY THATI AM MORE THAN JUST A COMEDIAN.

I'M A DOCTOR.

AT THE END OF MY SHOW,I'M GOING TO WALK OUT

AND GIVE EACHAND EVERY ONE OF YOU

COMPLETE PHYSICAL EXAMINATIONS.

BECAUSE ANYBODY CAN COME UP HEREAND TELL YOU A JOKE

AND MAKE YOU LAUGH-- I SWEARTO GOD IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

BUT TO ACTUALLY FOLLOW THAT UP

WITH A COMPLETEPHYSICAL EXAMINATION--

NOW, THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT.

( laughter )

NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLEDON'T BELIEVE I AM A DOCTOR.

THEY SAY, "DON'T YOU HAVETO GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL

TO BECOME A DOCTOR?"

AND I TELL THEM,"NO, NO, YOU DON'T."

AND THEN THEY PRETTY MUCHLEAVE ME ALONE AFTER THAT.

( laughter )

I JUST BOUGHT A NEW HOUSEIN THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS

THAT I'M VERY PROUD OF.

I BOUGHT A $6 MILLION HOUSE.

I GOT A GREAT DEAL ON IT--I PUT DOWN $400.

AND I HAVE A MORTGAGEOF $31,000 EVERY MONTH.

( laughter )

SO MY IDEA IS TO LIVE THEREFOR THREE MONTHS

UNTIL THEY THROW METHE HELL OUT OF THERE.

( laughter )

AND HOPEFULLY BY THAT TIME THEHOUSE WILL APPRECIATE IN VALUE.

THEN I COULD ACTUALLYPUT DOWN A DOWN PAYMENT

ON A HOUSE THAT I AND MY ENTIREHIGHLY TRAINED MEDICAL STAFF

CAN AFFORD TO LIVE IN.

BECAUSE I'M A DOCTOR;I'M A HEALER.

I'M A MAN OF SCIENCE.

( in a falsetto: )I'M A SCIENTIST.

( laughter )

I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT.

( laughter )

THAT'S WHAT I REALLY AM.

THAT'S WHAT I REALLY WOULD BE

IF THEY WOULD JUSTLET ME BE WHO I AM!

( laughter )

IF THEY WOULD JUST LET MESPREAD MY WINGS

AND HEAR ME ROAR.

( laughter )

( meows )

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF Y'ALL OUTTHERE ARE SAYING TO YOURSELVES

"AM I GAY, OR AM I MEMOREX?"

( laughter )

ACTUALLY, I WAS ENGAGEDTO BE MARRIED LAST YEAR.

I CAME VERY CLOSETO GETTING MARRIED--

AS CLOSE AS A MAN CAN GET.

I GOT TO THE PART IN THECEREMONY WHERE I SAID, "I."

AND THEN I REMEMBERSAYING SOMETHING

ABOUT "GOT TO GETTHE HELL OUT OF HERE."

'CAUSE THIS MARRIAGE SITUATION,THAT'S SOME SCARY...

THAT'S SCARY,MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS.

PRIMARILY BECAUSEI'VE FOUND IN MY LIFE

THAT YOU WOMEN,GOD BLESS YOU WOMEN

GOD BLESS EACHAND EVERY ONE OF YOU

BUT THE IDEA OF GETTINGINTO A MARRIAGE

WITH ONE OF YOU LOONY PEOPLEIS BEYOND MR. IMAGINATION.

FIRST OF ALL, A MAN PROPOSES.

HE SAYS, "HONEY,LET'S GET MARRIED.

"I WANT YOU TO PACK UPEVERYTHING YOU HAVE

"AND ADD TO THATALL OF THE EMOTIONAL

"AND PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGETHAT'S BEEN DONE TO YOU

"AND ALL OF THE NEUROTIC CRAP

"THAT YOU ARE CARRYINGAROUND WITH YOU

AND BRING IT OVER TO MY HUT!"

( laughter )

"AND THEN WE'LL LETTHE GAMES BEGIN."

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