Wednesday, April 15, 2015

  • 04/15/2015

Ian Edwards, Fahim Anwar and Chris D'Elia learn the truth about Dennis Quaid's meltdown, list #Bandwiches and come up with frequently asked questions about Coachella.

RIPPED FROM TONIGHT'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELL, THE BIGGEST STORY ININFOTAINMENT THE LAST COUPLE OF

DAYS WAS THE CRAZY DENNIS QUAIDON-SET FREAKOUT CAPTURED AND

POSTED ON YOUTUBE, ANDEVERYBODY WHO WAS ANYBODY ON

TV WAS TALKIN' 'BOUT IT.

LOOK.

>> DENNIS QUAID MELTING DOWN ONA SET.

IT'S LEAKED AND, KIDS, IT ISEPIC.

>> THE VIDEO IS NOW SPREADINGAROUND THE WORLD AND GENERATING

HEADLINES.

>> WHAT THE ( BLEEP )! KEEPGOING.

I CAN'T EVEN GET A LINE OUT.

DOPEY THE DICK STARTS WHISPERINGIN YOUR EAR.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

NOW, SOME THOUGHT IT WAS AKIMMEL PRANK BUT WE CONFIRMED

THAT KIMMEL HAD NO PART IN THIS.

IT WAS ALL QUAID -- AND A LITTLESITE WHO MIGHT BE ONE OF OUR

EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS CALLED FUNNYOR DIE.

BEHOLD THE PRESTIGE!

>> WHAT THE ( BLEEP )!

KEEP GOING!

I AM ACTING HERE IN & THISDICKHEAD WANDERS ON TO MY SET.

I CAN'T GET A LINE OUT AND DOPEYTHE DICK HERE IS WHISPERING IN

YOUR EAR AND YOU'RE NOT EVENWATCHING ANYMORE.

>> DENNIS.

>> DON'T YOU ( BLEEP ) DENNISME.

THIS IS THE MOST UNPROFESSIONALSET I'VE EVER BEEN ON!

THIS IS HORSE(BLEEP)!

( LAUGHTER )

I'VE GOT THESE ZOMBIES OVER HERETHEY HAVE TO LOOK AT.

I'VE GOT A BUNCH OF PUSSIESSTARING AT ME.

AND THE ( BLEEP ) BABY!

>> ( BLEEP ) YOU, QUAID.

>> CHRIS: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,I AM VERY HAPPY TO WELCOME THE

STAR OF THE DENNIS QUAIDFREAKOUT, DOPEY THE DICK!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I WASN'T SURE YOU WERE GOING TOBE ABLE TO GET YOUR BALLS UP.

>> YOU GET USED TO IT, THOUGH.

THEY KIND OF --

>> Chris: I GUESS SO.

>> HEY, DICK, HEY, DICK, THANKSFOR COMING.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Chris: NICE.

>> I GET IT, IT'S LIKE A DICKTHING.

>> Chris: YEAH, YEAH. DOES THATBOTHER YOU AT ALL?

IS THAT RACIST?

>> NO, DOESN'T BOTHER ME AT ALL.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, GOOD, GOOD.

YOU'RE A BIG FAN OF THE SHOW, IASSUME.

>> HUGE FAN, HUGE FAN.

I SIT IN THE AUDIENCE, JUST LIKEEVERYBODY ELSE, GET PAID 35

BONES.

>> CHRIS: WHAT?

THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW?

>> YEAH, YEAH, I GET PAID TOWATCH AMAZING, TALENTED

COMEDIANS EXECUTE THEIR CRAFTAND CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

>> I CAN'T-- HONESTLY I CAN'TTHINK OF A BETTER WAY TO MAKE A

LIVING.

>> CHRIS: DON'T YOU MISS BEINGON SETS AND, WORKING IN THE

ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY?

>> CHRIS, PEOPLE LIKE YOU AREEXACTLY WHY I DON'T WORK IN THE

INDUSTRY ANYMORE.

DO YOU REALIZE THERE IS A 43%WAGE GAP BETWEEN GIANT WALKING

DICKS, LIKE ME, IN HOLLYWOOD,AND REGULAR PEOPLE.

>> Chris: THAT IS TERRIBLE.

I'M REALLY SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

>> IT IS, CHRIS.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

WE ARE FORCED TO WORK FOR 43%MORE THAN REGULAR ASSHOLES LIKE

YOU.

>> Chris: OH, WELL --

I THINK IT'S TIME TO LET DOPEY--LET'S LET THEM SEE THE REAL YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU SHOW EVERYONE INHOLLYWOOD YOU CAN WORK AGAIN.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SET UP THENEXT "RAPID REFRESH."

>> YEAH, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.

>> Chris: OKAY GREAT, THEREYOU GO. GO AHREAD, THERE'S YOUR

CAMERA.

>> SOME ENTERPRISING ROCKETSCIENTIST IN ASKIM, NORWAY

LAUNCHED SOMETHING INTO SPACE.

WHAT WAS IT?

A, A FROZEN HUMAN HEAD?

B, A DONUT WITH SPRINKLES?

OR C, A REAL DOLL DRESSED LIKEWONDER WOMAN?

YOU THINK I CAN'T FEEL THAT.

I CAN ABSOLUTELY FEEL THAT.

>> Chris: I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY!

>> A FROZEN HUMAN HEAD -- RIGHT?BECAUSE THAT'S SO (BLEEP)ING

TERRIBLE.

>> Chris: WELL, AMERICA, NORWAYBEAT YOU TO THE PUNCH ASK THEY

DID IN FACT SEND THE FIRST DONUTINTO SPACE.

OH!

>> NOW YOU'RE MAKING ME HUNGRY.

>> Chri: YEAH.

OH!

SHARKS!

( LAUGHTER )

THE DONUT MAKE MEAD IT BACKSAFELY TO EARTH, OR DID IT?

THIS SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT ORIGINSTORY.

COMEDIANS WHAT, STRANGE NEWPOWERS DOES THIS DONUT HAVE--

>> YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOINGTO HAPPEN.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

REALLY, THEY MIGHT-- THEY MIGHTSTOP THE SHOW FROM EXISTING EVER

AGAIN.

>> CHRIS: I WAS SINGLE FOR ALONG TIME.

I HAVE SOME IDEA WHAT WOULDHAPPEN IF I CONTINUE TO DO THAT.

WHAT STRANGE NEW POWERS DID THISDONUT HAVE WHEN HE CAME BACK

FROM SPACE?

IAN?

>> THE SUPER POWER WOULD BE IF ACOP TAKES A BITE, IT WOULD TAKE

AWAY HIS DESIRE TO KILL BLACKMEN.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> IT HAS THE POWER TO MAKEEVERY DAY A CHEAT DAY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT!

DOPEY, YOU'RE ACTUALLY NOTPLAYING THE GAME.

>> WHY, WHY, WHY, CHRIS?

BECAUSE I'M A GIANT PENIS?

>> CHRIS: NO, BECAUSE WE DON'THAVE A LECTERN FOR YOU.

>> OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GOT A PODIUM NOW, MOTHER(BLEEP)!

>> CHRIS: OKAY, YOU WHAT. IT ISBECAUSE YOU'RE A GIANT PENIS.

YOU'RE A GIANT, SENTIENT, WEIRDAPPL-EATING PENIS, AND IT

MAKES EVERYONE UNCOMFORTABLE.

>> WHOA!

THAT IS (BLEEP) DISCRIMINATION.

OKAY, I'LL LEAVE, CHRIS.

BUT I'M LEAVING ON MY OWN ACCORDBECAUSE ARE YOU BEING A BIT OF A

DICK RIGHT NOW.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, FINE, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S THE END OF RAPIDREFRESH AND DOPEY THE DICK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NOW, WE MAY BE RIGHT IN BETWEENTWO WEEKENDS OF COACHELLA, BUT

LET'S NOT LET SOME HIPSTER MUSICFESTIVAL GET IN THE WAY OF WHAT

REALLY MATTERS-- SANDWICHES.

IN FACT, LET'S COMBINE THEM.(BLEEP) IT, WHO CARES!

THE HASHTAG TODAY IS#BANDWICHES.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE...

♪ OOOH, YEAH ♪

>> I THOUGHT THE DICK THING WASGOING TO BE THE WEIRDEST THING.

>> CHRIS: EXAMPLES OF THIS MIGHTBE PO BOY GORGE.

OR FRENCH MONTANA DIP.

OR SLOPPY JOE COCKER.

OR MOONS OVER MY HAMMY SOUNDMACHINE.

I'LL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCKAND BEGIN.

CHRIS.

>> B.I.G. MAC.

>> Chris: POINTS.

FAHIM.

>> STEVIE WONDER BREAD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> CELINE DIJON.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IAN.

>> PUMPER NICKELBACK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> HOUSE OF PANINI.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IAN.

>> PO BOYZ II MEN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

FAHIM.

>> SLOPE JONAS BROTHERS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

FAHIM.

>> FRENCH DIPLO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> MAROON 5 GUYS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IAN.

>> PULLED BJORK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

FAHIM.

>>PB&JAY-Z.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IAN.

>> NOTORIOUS B.L.T.

>> CHRIS: POINTS, THAT'SPERFECT.

THAT'S THE END OF THE HASHTAGWARS.

AND NOW IT IS TIME TO PLAY POWERPOINTLESS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NOW, MOST-- ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK THERE?

DON'T GLORY HOLE THE SET.

>> OKAY, FINE, I'LL LEAVE.

>> CHRIS: MOST STOCK PHOTOS TOBE PUT IN POWERPOINT

PRESENTATIONS NO ONE WANTS TOSIT THROUGH.

SOME STOCK PHOTOS, HOWEVER, ARESO WEIRD THEY MUST ONLY EXIST TO

BE MADE ONLY TO BE MADE FUN OFON TELEVISION BY US RIGHT NOW.

SO I'M GONNA SHOW YOU AWEIRD-ASS STOCK PHOTO, AND YOU

HAVE TO NAME THE PRESENTATIONIT'S FROM.

FIRST UP, RIGHT HERE, WHAT.

-- THIS, THIS G IN A MEETING.

CHRIS.

>> HOW TO MAKE YOUR BLACKEMPLOYEES FEEL COMFORTABLE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> WHAT THE ( BLEEP ) IS THAT?

>> ARE YOU TELLING ME AFTERSEEING THAT, YOU WOULDN'T WANT

TO WORK THERE?

>> NO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS TO CHRISD'ELIA.

>> BECUASE I'M PROFESSIONAL.>> Chris: FAHIM.

>> SO YOUR NEW BOSS IS FREDDURST.

>> Chris: POINTS.

THIS IS KIND OF A LIMP BISCUIT.

IAN EDWARDS.

>> I SAY WHEN YOU DON'T GIVE A(BLEEP) AND YOU WEAR YOUR

CASUAL FRIDAYS CLOTHES ONWEDNESDAY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE.

WHAT ABOUT THIS?

CHRIS.

>> HOW TO HIDE YOUR BORNE WHENYOU'RE MEETING YOUR BOSS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: FORTUNATELY, MY BOSS'OFFICE IS A FOREST.

THAT WORKS OUT WELL.

IAN.

>> I WOULD SAY REUNITING WITHYOUR PEDOPHILE IN THE PLACE YOU

FIRST MET.

>> CHRIS: I GOTTA GIVE YOUPOINTS.

NEXT ONE.

WHAT ABOUT-- CHRIS.

>> CONNECTED AT THE DILDO.

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

FAHIM.

>> DISAPPOINTING YOUR GAY DADS.

>> CHRIS: YES.

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

POINTS.

IAN.

>> WHEN ONLY TWO PEOPLE SHOW UPTO YOUR THREE STOOGES

CONVENTION.

>> Chris: POINTS.

THAT'S IT. STOOGE-CON!

THIS LAST ONE IS A TWO-FER.

FAHIM.

>> BONDING AFTER A LAKESIDEMURDER.

>> CHRIS: YES.

WE DID IT!

THIS IS LESS WEIRD THAN THE TIMEYOU HID YOUR BONER BEHIND THAT

TREE.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,BEFORE THEY WERE STAR WARS

SEARCH.

ARGUABLY, ONE OF THE BESTFUNCTIONS OF YOUTUBE IS

PRESERVING EMBARRASSING CELEB TVAPPEARANCES BEFORE THEY

BECAME FAMOUS.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A CELEBAND FOR 250 POINTS, YOU HAVE TO

GUESS WHEN OLD APPEARANCE ISFOREVER ENCASED IN AMBER.

FIRST ONE, JON HAMM. BEFORE HEWAS DON DRAPER, WAS HE

A BIKE HUNK WITH A SECRET ON ANEPISODE OF "PACIFIC BLUE" OR

ROCKING AWFUL HAIR DRAPES ON A90S DATING SHOW, AKA, PULLING

A HARDWICK?

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> YOU THINK I HAVEN'T BEEN ONTHE INTERNET AT 3 A.M.?

THE DATING SHOW ONE.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, YEAH, OFCOURSE, IT'S THE DATING SHOW.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK, JUST FOR FUN.

>> HOW ABOUT YOU, JON.

YOU ARE ON A FIRST DATE.

MARY'S THE GIRL, YOU WANT TOREALLY IMPRESS HER.

HOW DO YOU MAKE HER FEELSPECIAL?

>> WELL, START OFF WITH SOMEFABULOUS FOOD, FABULOUS

CONVERSATION--

>> WHAT ELSE FABULOUS, JON?

>> END IT WITH A FABULOUS FOOTMASSAGE FOR AN EVENING OF TOTAL

FABULOUSITY.

>> THAT'S SO BAD!

>> HE WAS A CREEP.

>> I THOUGHT IT WAS CHRIS FOR ASECOND.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE.

KEANU REEVES BEFORE HE WAS ALLWHOA, I KNOW KUNG-FU.

WAS HE ALL, I'M IN AN AD FORCANADIAN COKE.

OR, WHOA I'M IN A P.S.A. FORPREVENTING HEAD LICE.

CHRIS.

>> CANADIAN COKE.

>> Chris: LET'S SEE!

>> PROUD OF YOU, REALLY PROUD.

A COKE.

( APPLAUSE )

>> WHO'S YOUR COACH?>> MY DAD!

>> HE'S WITH THE DUDE THAT HIDHIS BONER FROM HIS BOSS.

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: BECAUSE AFTER A LONGBIKE RACE, EVERYONE WANTS A

SURPY, SUGARY DRINK.

>> HE WAS DYING AND THEN HESAID, "OH, COKE."

>> COKE WAS HIS LOW BACK THEN,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

>> Chris: YEAH, IT WAS. "COKE."

NEXT ONE, LONG BEFORE AARON PAULWAS ON BREAKING BAD GOING ALL,

" YO, MISTER WHITE," COULD HE BESEEN DELIVERING A LARGE PIZZA

WITH EXTRA ATTITUDE FOR PAPAJOHNS, OR GETTING AMPED AS

[BLEEP] FOR "THE PRICE ISRIGHT." D'ELIA.

>> I REMEMBER THIS. I USED TO BEA HUGE "PRICE IS RIGHT" FAN.

IT'S "PRICE IS RIGHT."

>> CHRIS: LET'S SEE.

LET'S SEE.

>> AARON, WHAT DO YOU BID ONTHAT?

>> 1200 BUCKS!

>> 1200 BUCKS.

>> RETAIL PRICE, $1797.

>> CHRIS: WHAT IS THE ACTUALRETAIL PRICE OF THIS DINING ROOM

SET?

$1, BITCH.

>> WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE HE'S ONMETH MORE THEN?

AS WE JUMP TO THE NEXT GAME,COACHELLA

F.A.Q.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

FRIDAYS IS THE BEGINNING OF THESECOND WEEKEND AND THE

FINAL WEEKEND OF THE ANNUALCOACHELLA MUSIC AND MOLLY

FESTIVAL.

WHETHER THEY'RE SUNBAKED ORTOTALLY BAKED, FESTIVAL-GOERS

GET A LITTLE CONFUSE SO WHENTHEY HEAD TO THE INFO BOOTH

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT THEY'REGOING TO ASK.

SO COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE TOYOU COME UP WITH FREQUENTLY

ASKED QUESTIONS YOU MIGHT HEARAT COACHELLA IN 60 SECONDS, AND

BEGIN.

D'ELIA.

>> WHAT TIME IS THE BAND I'MSUPPOSED TO LIKE GO ON.

>> Chris: POINTS.

FAHIM.

>> WHAT TIME IS HOLOGRAM SISQOGOING ON.

>> Chris: POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> WHOSE (BLEEP) HAT IS THIS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IAN.

>> HAS ANYONE RETURNED A MISSINGTRUST FUND?

>> Chris: POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> IS LEONARDO DICAPRIO( BLEEP ) ME RIGHT NOW.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IAN.

>> WHERE CAN I GO TO NOT SMELLWEED.

>> Chris: POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> YOU CAN GET THIS TASTE OFMADONNA OUT OF MY MOUTH.

>> Chris: I THINK THAT'S DRAKE'SF.A.Q., BUT I'LL ALLOW IT.

CHRIS AGAIN.

>> DID I JUST DO COMOLLY OR DIDI JUST SEE A DRONE (BLEEP)ING A

CHIMP?

>> Chris: POINTS.

AND YOU DID.

D'ELIA AGAIN.

>> CAN YOU GET THIS SELFIE STICKOUT OF MY ASS?

>> Chris: POINTS.

IAN.

>> WHERE CAN I GO TO NOT FIND AWHITE GIRL IN A FLOPPY HAT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

D'ELIA.

>> YOU CAN HELP ME PUT THISSELFIE STICK BACK UP MY ASS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IAN.

>> IS THERE A MASSAGE TENTBECAUSE MY NECK IS KILLING ME

LOOK AT ALL THIS ASS.

>> Chris: POINTS. FAHIM.

>> THAT LINE IS INSANE.

WHO IS SPINNING AT THEPORT-A-POTTY.

>> Chris: POINTS.