To Kill a Chupacabraj

  • 06/19/2012

Adam, Blake and Ders battle Montez in small claims court.

- MAN, THIS SUMMER KICKOFFPARTY'S GONNA BE, LIKE,

MTV BEACH HOUSETHROWBACK STATUS.

DAISY FUENTES'S BUTT-CHEEKS ARE JUST GONNA BE FLOWING

IN THE WIND.- AY-AY-AY-AY-AY-AY-AY!

THAT WASN'T RACIST, WAS IT?- SHE HAD S--THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

IT WAS A LITTLE.- OKAY, WELL.

- IT WAS A LITTLE RACIST.- HEY, UH, DIRK TO BLAZE.

ANY SIGN OF WHAT'S CLOGGINGTHE DRAIN, MY MAIN MAN?

- NEGATIVE, DUDE.

I DO SEE A BARBEQUEDOWN HERE, THOUGH,

AND A SUITCASEFULL OF YOUR CLOTHES.

I'M ALMOST TO THE DRAIN.IT'S 2 METERS.

- HOW'S THE AIR QUALITYDOWN THERE?

- IT'S OKAY,IT'S ALL RIGHT.

BUT I COULD USEA BLOW OF THE DRO, SIR.

- BLOWING DRO.

- HE'S BLOWINGDRO NOW. OVER.

- I JUST BLEW THE DRO.BLEW THE DRO.

- HEY, BLAZE,COME ON, MAN.

ANY SIGN OF WHAT'S CLOGGINGTHE DRAIN?

- THAT'S AFFIRMATIVE.THERE'S SOMETHING...

OH, MY GOD, GUYS!

YOU'RE NOT GONNABELIEVE THIS.

SHE'S ALWAYS FLIRTINGWITH ME.

SHE'S GOT THOSEBIG TITTIES LIKE YOU.

- NO SALE!- WHAT IN THE [bleep] IS GOING--

- WE WANT OUR $450 BACK,

BECAUSE THE HOVERCRAFTYOU SOLD US

CATCHES FIREWAY TOO EASILY.

- I TOLD Y'ALLNO REFUNDS.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT,WAY-WAY?

HE HEARD ME.- WE DON'T WANT REFUNDS.

WE WANT OUR MONEY BACKSO WE CAN BUY A HOVERCRAFT

THAT ACTUALLY FLIES.

- MM-HMM.- IN THE WATER.

WAT--WATER FLIGHT.- MM-HMM.

- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.OUR POOL PARTY'S RUINED.

NOW IT'S JUST GUYSWITH COWBOY HATS

SQUIRTING EACH OTHER.THAT'S BAD.

- AND?- WELL...

WE'LL SUE YOU. WE'LL TAKEEVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT.

- THAT'S A REALLY GOOD IDEA.- THANKS.

- THAT'S WHY HE'S THE BRAINSOF THE OPERATION.

- YOU WANT TO GETJUDGE JOE BROWN ON IT?

YOU WANT SOME JUDGE JUDYUP YOUR BOOTY?

YOU BETTER LAWYER UP.

YOU BETTER LAWYER UP.- ♪ LAWYER UP

- ♪ YOU BETTER LAWYER UP - THERE'S NO LAWYERS

IN SMALL CLAIMS COURT.- WHAT?

- THEN LAWYER DOWN, OKAY?- YEAH, SO LAWYER DOWN.

YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE GONNASEE YOU IN COURT, MAN.

- SEE YOU THERE.- NO, WE WILL.

WE'LL SEE YOU IN COURT.- OH, WELL, BRING IT.

- YEAH, FINE,WE WILL BRING IT.

- FINE, THEN.- MM.

- YO, WHAT THE [bleep]YOU DID RIGHT THERE?

THAT'S MY CACTUS!

YOU WANT TO GOIN THE [bleep] GARBAGE CAN?

- SORRY.- SORRY, JET SET.

WE THOUGHT IT WAS HIS CACTUS.WE DIDN'T KNOW.

- NOW Y'ALL GET OUTOF MY HOUSE.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

I'D LIKE TO, UH,ADDRESS THE JURY HERE.

- UH, PLAINTIFF, UH,THIS ISN'T A JURY TRIAL.

THEY'RE HEREAWAITING THEIR CASES.

- THESE PEOPLE?- UH-HUH.

- THANK YOU,JUDGE TIBBLES.

LADIES AND GENTLEMENOF THE ESTEEMED COURT,

TWO DUDES WITH SOMEBODACIOUS PONYTAILS.

- 22 INCHES AND COUNTING.- DUDE.

THIS IS 19 INCHES.IT'S LONGER THAN YOURS.

- NO, IT'S NOT.- I MEASURED IT

FROM THE BASE UP HERE.- I MEASURED IT

FROM THE TOPOF MY FOREHEAD.

- I HAVE BUT ONE WORD:

"JUSTICE."RIGHT?

JUST. US.

IT'S JUST USON THIS PLANET EARTH.

WE'RE ALONE, SO...

WE NEED TO TRUSTEACH OTHER.

TRUST. US.

RHYMES, SO YOU KNOWTHAT IT'S REAL.

WHICH BRINGS METO THE QUESTION...

ARE WE HUMAN...

OR ARE WE DANCERS?

- PLAINTIFF, IS THERE ANYADDITIONAL EVIDENCE

BESIDESTHE DEFECTIVE HOVERCRAFT?

- NO, BUT LOOK,I WAS HAVING A GOOD TIME.

THE PROBLEM IS THAT THIS GUYSOLD US A BUNK HOVERCRAFT,

AND NOW WE'RE GONNA HAVEA SAUSAGE FEST

WITH NO BIKINISAND NO STRAW COWBOY HATS,

AND I DON'T THINKYOU'RE BEING FAIR.

THIS ISN'T FAIR.

- MR. WALKER, HOW DO YOU RESPONDTO THE ACCUSATION?

- YOUR HONOR, I KNOW YOUR TIMEIS VALUABLE, SO I WILL BE BRIEF.

UM, THIS HEREIS A TEXTBOOK WITCH HUNT--

- HOW'S HE SOUND SO REAL?- THAT WILL CLEARLY EXONERATE ME

FROM ALL THESE PREJUDICIOUSAND UNFAIR CHARGES.

- THIS ISN'TA RACE THING, SIR.

- MAY I APPROACH THE BENCH?- PROCEED.

- HE KNOWS EXACTLY...- YOU'RE DUMB.

- YOUR HONOR, AS YOU CAN SEE,IN NINE SEPARATE LOCATIONS,

IN ACCORDANCE WITHOUR GREAT LAW, IS MY SIGNS.

- DERS, WHY AREN'T YOUUSING THE BRIEFCASE?

- THERE'S NOTHINGINSIDE THE BRIEFCASE

EXCEPT FOR GOLF PENCILSAND BASEBALL CARDS,

AND SLIM JIM DARE.

- SLIM JIM DARE REALLYFREAKING HOT BEEF JERKY,

AND YOU DIDN'TGIVE US ANY OF THAT.

- THIS IS THE JALAPENO KIND,AND YOU DIDN'T GIVE--

YOU DIDN'T EVEN THINK--- GENTLEMEN, PLEASE.

THIS IS A COURT OF LAW.IT'S NOT A FEEDING TROUGH.

- I HAD ONE.I HAD--THIS ONE WAS OUT.

- I JUST--OKAY.- NO, NO, DUDE, DUDE, COME ON.

- I THINK YOU'RE MAKINGA VERY GOOD CASE HERE.

- OKAY, DERS'S LAWYERINGDIDN'T WORK,

SO IT'S TIME FOR METO DO SOME LIAR-ING.

I'M GONNA LIE.- OH, COOL.

- [Southern accent]YOUR HONOR,

I DO DECLARETHAT WE HAVE A STAR WITNESS

THAT WE WOULD LIKETO CALL TO THE STAND.

- TO THE WHAT?- TO THE STAND.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE WORD YOU'RE SAYING.

- TO THE STAND,TO THE STAND.

FOR WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU SHOW UPIN COURT TOMORROW.

- BUT WE CAN BE VERY RESPONSIBLEIF YOU--

IF YOU DON'T...DO THAT.

- YEAH! STICK YOUR HANDIN THIS BAG.

DO IT! YOU FEEL THAT?THOSE ARE THE EYEBALLS OF KIDS

THAT WE PLUCKEDOUT OF THEIR HEADS!

AND THIS?THIS IS INTESTINES.

- NO, BLAKE.WE'RE, UH--

DUDE #1, WE TOLD YOUHE'S NOT BLINDFOLDED.

- HE'S NOT BLINDFOLDED.HE CAN SEE THAT IT'S SPAGHETTI.

- WELL, THIS IS SPAGHETTITHAT A DUDE WAS EATING,

BUT WE KILLED HIM.all: YEAH!

- AND WE'LLKILL YOU TOO.

- YEAH, WE KILLED HIS ASS.- ARE YOU READY TO DIE?

OH, THAT'S THE GAMEYOU WANT TO PLAY?

- OH, OKAY.- DIG YOUR OWN GRAVE, BUD.

- YEAH, DIGTHE FRICKING GRAVE,

YOU MARSHMALLOW-LOOKINGMOTHER[bleep].

all: [chuckling evilly]

- WHAT?- HEH, HEH...

- LITTLE HELP?- OH.

- JUST THROW--HURRY UP.- YEAH.

GO FALCONS!- THANK YOU.

HEY, NICE ARM.

- IT'S A SHOVEL,NOT A BROOM.

- COME ON, JEEZ.- THAT'S WHAT YOU GOT?

- HARDER. HE'S THROWING ITON HIS SHOE--SHOES.

- YOU REALLY SUCK AT THIS.HE SUCKS AT THIS.

- JESUS CHRIST,YOU'RE HORRIBLE.

- I'M ACTUALLYNOT VERY GOOD EITHER.

- WELL, YOU'RE HOLDINGTHE SPAGHETTI.

WE TOLD YOU NOTTO BRING THE SPAGHETTI.

- I'M GONNA GOGET SOME MORE SHOVELS.

- YEAH.

- I'M ACTUALLY REALLY PROUDOF US, GUYS.

THIS HOLEIS FREAKING IMPRESSIVE.

- IT'S CRAZY.- WHOA, DUDE, LOOK,

YOU'RE GONNA KILL YOURSELFIF YOU DON'T START LIFTING

WITH YOUR BODYINSTEAD OF YOUR ARM MUSCLES.

- WELL, MY ARM MUSCLESARE MY BODY, DERS.

IN FACT, I THINKTHEY'RE MOST OF IT.

- I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREETHAT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

TO DO IS COMEFROM THE TOP HERE.

- YEAH.- BECAUSE ALL THE LEVERAGE

WHEN YOU'RE GOING--OW!

- AAH!- WAIT, WHAT HAPPENED?

- I THINK...- WHAT HAPPENED?

- SPLINTER.- OH, YEAH, YEAH.[car engine starts]

THAT'S PAINFUL, THAT'S PAINFUL,THAT'S VERY PAINFUL.

- WAYMOND? WAYMOND?WAIT, WAYMOND!

- WAYMOND!- WAYMOND!

- WAYMOND, WAIT, WAIT!MAYBE WE WENT TOO FAR!

UH, WE WERE JUST TRYINGTO SCARE YOU OUT OF TESTIFYING.

IT'S US,THE BULL[bleep] BOYS!

- WELL, WE SHOULDN'T HAVELET HIM WAIT

IN THE CAR TO GET WARM.- REALLY BONER MOVE ON OUR PART.

- YEAH, NOW WE'RE GONNAGO TO PRISON FOR PERJURY.

- AND LIAR-ING EVEN.- OH, MAN.

HOT DUDES LIKE US DO NOT DO WELLIN PRISON, GUYS.

WE ARE LIKE THREE FRESH MEATBUTT STICKS JUST WAITING

FOR A DRY RUB.- OH, GOD, BLAKE'S RIGHT.

HIS AMERICAN IDOL HAIRDO,YOUR NORSE-NESS.

MY PECS, MY HAMMIES.MY GLUTS, MAN!

THEY'RE JUST WAITINGFOR A GOOD DICKING.

- OH, WE'RE GONNA GET POUNDED.- MAYBE, LIKE,

OVER TIME, IT, LIKE--IT GETS OKAY.

IT'S JUST SKINAFTER ALL, RIGHT?

- WHAT?- I DON'T KNOW.

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