December 14, 2015 - Confederate Christmas Card & Ted Cruz

  • 12/14/2015

A South Carolina lawmaker's Christmas card features the Confederate flag, and Larry examines Ted Cruz's surge in GOP polls with Aida Rodriguez, Jordan Carlos and Mike Yard.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> WELCOME TO "THE NIGHTLY

SHOW."

I'M LARRY WILMORE.

SUCH A FUN SHOW.

THANKS FOR TUNING IN TONIGHT.

I HAVE TO SAY, AS THE NATIONWIDEDEBATE OVER AFFIRMATIVE ACTION

HEADS TO THE SUPREME COURT,THERE'S ONE PERSON IN OUR

NATION'S CAPITAL WHO WANTS TOMAKE SURE BLACK STUDENTS ARE

GOING TO COLLEGE.

>> ♪>> WHEW!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> MAN.

THE FIRST LADY IS RAPPING!

THIS IS CONSERVATIVE AMERICA'SWORST NIGHTMARE, YOU GUYS!

NOW I KNOW THIS VIDEO MAY SEEMLIKE A SOMEWHAT LAME ATTEMPT TO

PUSH OBAMA'S EDUCATION AGENDA,BUT IT'S ACTUALLY SERVING A MUCH

GREATER AGENDA THAT OBAMA HASBEFORE HE LEAVES OFFICE --

SCORING THE [BLEEP] OUT OF FOXNEWS VIEWERS.

THINK ABOUT IT.

THIS IS OBAMA'S WAY OF TROLLINGEVERY RED STATE HATER WHO FEARED

THAT A BLACK PRESIDENT WOULDTURN 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE

INTO 106 AND PARK.

NOW, WE'VE CALLED THIS OBAMADON'T CARE ON OUR SHOW.

REALLY, ALL RIGHT?

HE'S ROLLING OUT AS MUCH BLACKAS HE CAN DURING HIS LAST YEAR

OF OFFICE, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, STUFF LIKE DROPPINGTHE N-WORD DURING PODCASTS,

SINGING "AMAZING GRACE" IN ABLACK CHURCH, RIGHT?

LETTING BLACK PRISONERS OUT OFJAIL.

EVEN SAID, "FOLKS WANNA POP OFF"IN A SPEECH ABOUT TERRORISM.

AND NOW HE'S GOT BAE SPITTINGRHYMES ABOUT HIGHER EDUCATION.

AT THIS RATE, BY NEXT SUMMER,THEY'LL BE PLAYING DOMINOES ON

THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN ANDBLASTING MUSIC SO LOUD THAT THE

NEIGHBORS AT 1603 PENNSYLVANIAAVENUE CALL THE COPS.

IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, IT'S GOINGTO HAPPEN.

THAT'S MY PREDICTION FOR 2016.

NOW, OF COURSE, FLOTUSIMPECCABLE FLOW WASN'T THE ONLY

POLITICAL SURPRISE LAST WEEK.

SO NOW THAT WE'VE CAUGHT UP ONHOW OBAMA IS BLACKENING THE

WHITE HOUSE, LET'S CATCH UP ONWHO'S TRYING TO UNBLACKEN IT.

>> BIG SHAKEUP AS GOP CANDIDATESGET SET TO FACE OFF TOMORROW

NIGHT IN A CRUCIAL DEBATE.

TED CRUZ IS SURGING IN THEPOLLS.

>> ONE OF THE IOWA POLLS SHOWSENATOR CRUZ WITH A 10-POINT

LEAD.

>> TED CRUZ?

WHAT THE -- WAIT.

THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONGWITH THIS PROMPTER.

WAIT.

LET ME CHECK WITH OUR DIRECTOR.

DRE.

>> YEAH, LARRY?

>> THIS IS OUR DIRECTOR DRE,EVERYBODY.

IS OUR EQUIPMENT BROKEN?

IT SAYS HERE TED CRUZ IS SURGINGIN THE POLLS.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

IT'S NOT THE EQUIPMENT, LARRY.

I THINK THE NEWS IS BROKEN.

>> OH, OKAY.

THANKS, DRE.

THANKS.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT'S GOING ON IN IOWA, GUYS?

FIRST YOU COULDN'T GET ENOUGH OFBLACK DROOPY THE DOG,

TWIN-SEPARATING STABBYPANTS,RIGHT?

AND NOW IT'S THIS GUY?

I MEAN, HAVE YOU HEARD HIM SPEAKSPEAK?

LAST WEEK AS THE WORLD GATHEREDTO ENACT LIMITS ON GLOBAL

CARBON EMISSIONS, TED CRUZHOSTED A SENATE SUBCOMMITTEE

HEARING ON CLIMATE CHANGE THATWAS SIGNIFICANTLY LESS HELPFUL.

>> ACCORDING TO THE SATELLITEDATA THERE HAS BEEN NO

SIGNIFICANT GLOBAL WARMING FORTHE PAST 18 YEARS.

THOSE ARE THE DATA.

THE GLOBAL WARMING ALARMISTSDON'T LIKE THESE DATA.

THEY ARE INCONVENIENT TO THEIRNARRATIVE, BUT FACTS AND

EVIDENCE MATTERS.

>> NO SIGNIFICANT DATA?

OKAY.

HEY, SIRI, WHAT'S THETEMPERATURE TODAY IN NEW YORK

CITY?

DECEMBER 14th, ALMOST WINTER.

>> HOT AS [BLEEP], LARRY.

>> SORRY, GUYS.

I HAD THAT SET TO CEDRIC, NOTSIRI.

YOU KNOW, ALWAYS READ THAT APPLETHING.

NOW, LOOK, I KNOW TODAY'SWEATHER IS IRRELEVANT IN THE

GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS, BUT TEDCRUZ IS WRONG.

THE PLANET IS GETTING WARMER.

STOP IT.

AND YOU CAN'T SAY, "FACTS ANDEVIDENCE MATTERS" IN YOUR

CLIMATE DENIAL SPEECH.

THAT'S LIKE HAVING AN AFFAIRWITH THE BABYSITTER AND IN THE

MIDDLE OF SEX YOUWHISPER TO HER, "MONOGAMY IS

VERY IMPORTANT TO ME."

SOMETHING'S JUST OFF ABOUT THISGUY, THOUGH.

EVEN BEHIND THE SCENES.

LISTEN TO HIS STRATEGY FOR DAILYWITH TRUMP AND CARSON'S ATTACKS.

>> MY APPROACH HAS BEEN TO BEARHUG BOTH OF THEM AND SMOTHER

THEM WITH LOVE.

>> HMM.

SMOTHER THEM WITH LOVE?

ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT AFFECTIONOR MURDER?

MY APPROACH HAS BEEN TO STRANGLETHEM WITH RESPECT, AND THEN

MUTILATE THEIR CORPSES WITHGOODWILL.

AND THEN STAB THEM IN THE HEARTTHE WAY JESUS WOULD HAVE DONE.

SOMETHING'S JUST AWKWARD ABOUTHIM.

LIKE WHEN HE TRIES TO BERELATABLE, AND USE HUMOR, IT

COMES OFF LIKE THIS.

>> OF COURSE, IN TEXAS WE COOKBACON A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY THAN

MOST FOLKS.

MACHINE GUN BACON.

>> WOW.

DO YOU KNOW HOW SMALL YOUR DICKHAS TO BE TO DO SOMETHING LIKE

THAT?

I DON'T KNOW, GUYS.

I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S JUST CREEPY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S HIS WHOLE VIBE,RIGHT?

I TELL YOU WHAT, TO HELP MEUNDERSTAND THIS, HERE POLITICAL

CONSULTANT MADAM LaFONTAINE.

THANKS FOR COMING TO THE SHOW.

>> ACTUALLY, LARRY, I'M AMEDIUM.

>> OH, MEDIUM.

>> YES.

>> I'M SORRY, I REALLY WANTEDSOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS

POLITICS.

YOU KNOW, WHO CAN HELP MEUNDERSTAND WHERE WHY CRUZ SEEMS

SO CRUZ.

>> THAT'S WHY YOU NEED A MEDIUM,LARRY.

CRUZ SEEMS SO CREEPY BECAUSE THEGOP IS HAUNTED.

>> HAUNTED?

>> OH, YES, LARRY.

THE GOP HAS SPENT SO MANY YEARSINVOKING THE NAME OF REAGAN AND

TRYING TO SUMMON UP HIS SPIRIT,THAT THEY ACCIDENTALLY OPENED UP

AN EVIL PORTAL TO HELL.

>> OH, MY GOD!

OH!

AN EVIL PORTAL?

>> YES.

IT WAS OUT OF THIS PORTAL THATTHE DEMONS WERE RELEASED!

>> OH, WAIT.

SO THIS IS ALL THE FAULT OFSAYING REAGAN'S NAME ALL THE

TIME?

>> YES.

IT'S LIKE SAYING BEETLEJUICE TOOMANY TIMES.

>> OH, I GET IT, I GET IT.

OKAY.

WELL, MADAME, I GLAD YOU CAME.

HOW CAN WE TELL IF SOMEONE ISPOSSESSED BY ONE OF THESE

DEMONS?

>> YOU CAN TELL THEM BY THEIRWORD.

>> OKAY.

>> THEY SAY THINGS LIKE CLIMATECHANGE IS A HOAX.

>> OH.

>> PLANNED PARENTHOOD IS SELLINGBABY BODY PARTS.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> AND GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

YOU KNOW THE REST OF THAT[BLEEP].

>> SO THE REASON WHY CRUZ SEEMSCREEPY IS BECAUSE HE'S POSSESSED

BY AN EVIL REPUBLICAN DEMON?

>> YES.

WHAT HUMAN IN HIS RIGHT MINDWOULD TRY TO MAKE BACON ON A

GUN?

>> THAT'S A FAIR POINT.

FAIR POINT.

I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT LIKE THAT.

OH, WOW.

SO I GUESS TRUMP'S POSSESSED BYA REPUBLICAN DEMON, TOO.

THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.

>> NO.

HE'S JUST AN ASSHOLE.

>> OH.

THAT MAKES SENSE.

>> EVEN THE DEMONS THINK SO.

THEY WON'T GO NEAR HIM.

>> WOW.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP.

>> YOU'RE WELCOME.

THAT WILL BE $1500.

>> $1500?

>> YES.

LEOPARD CAPES DON'T GROW ONTREES!

LIGHTNING!

>> OH, MY GOSH.

MADAM LaFONTAINE, EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

REMEMBER THIS PAST JULY WHENSOUTH CAROLINA FINALLY REMOVED

THE CONFEDERATE FLAG FROM THESTATEHOUSE GROUNDS?

YOU REMEMBER THAT.

I WONDER HOW THINGS ARE GOINGDOWN.

>> REPUBLICAN CHRIS CORLEY SENTTHIS CHRISTMAS CARD TO FELLOW

LAWMAKERS, SHOWING THE FLAG ATTHE STATEHOUSE BEFORE ITS

REMOVAL IN JULY WHICH CORLEYOPPOSED.

ON THE BACK, IT SAYS "MAY YOUTAKE THE JOYOUS TIME TO ASK FOR

FORGIVENESS FOR ALL YOUR SINS,SUCH AS BETRAYAL."

>> BETRAYAL?

YOU LOST THE WAR 150 YEARS AGO.

TIME TO GET OVER IT.

JUST GET OVER IT!

KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS AN ELECTEDSOUTH CAROLINA LAWMAKER PUTTING

THE CONFEDERATE FLAG ON HISCHRISTMAS CARD.

I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THISKIND OF THING.

MAYBE IT'S TIME TO CHECK IN WITHTHE SOUTHERN GENTLEMEN.

THEY'RE DISCUSSING THE PROS ANDPROS OF CONFEDERATE CHRISTMAS

THEY'RE DISCUSSING THE PROS ANDPROS OF CONFEDERATE CHRISTMAS

CARDS.

>> IT'S TIME ONCE AGAIN TODISCUSS OUR 2015 CHRISTMAS CARD

DESIGN.

AND, FIRST OF ALL, WHAT DO YOUTHINK OF REPRESENTATIVE CORLEY'S

DESIGN?

>> VERY HANDSOME CARD.

>> YOU KNOW THAT THERE IS AFINE, AND DARE I SAY,

APPROPRIATE SEASONAL GREETING.

>> WHEN I SEE THAT CARD, I SEETHE 13 STARS OF BETHLEHEM.

>> THERE'S NOTHING NOT TO LIKEABOUT THIS CARD.

>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I THOUGHT WE TOOK THIS THINGDOWN IN JULY.

>> WE'LL WAKE YOU UP FOR YOURSECOND BREAKFAST LATER.

>> WHAT THE HELLS GOING ON?

>> WE HAVE TO REMEMBER CHRISTMASIS DESIGNED TO HARKEN BACK TO A

SIMPLER TIME, MAYBE A TIME WHENOUR CONFEDERACY WAS A MORE

PERFECT UNION.

>> I THOUGHT IT WAS MEANT TOHARKEN BACK TO JESUS.

>> HOLD ON.

BE FAIR, BE FAIR.

>> I DO BELIEVE MY SUGGESTEDCHRISTMAS CARD DESIGN WILL

ANSWER ALL OF YOUR CONCERNS.

PLEASE ENJOY MY CARD.

>> OH, THAT'S A FAIR COMPROMISE.

>> WHAT?

>> I LOVE HOW YOU SIMPLY REMOVEDTHE OFFENSIVE CAPITAL.

WE CAN ALL AGREE IT'S IN STATEOF DISREPAIR.

>> THAT'S WHAT WE'RE TALKINGABOUT?

>> EVER SINCE WE BEGAN TO PAYMANUAL LABOR, I NOTICED THE

DECLINE IN THE STANDARD OF WORK.

>> THAT WAS A BAD DREAM.

>> GENTLEMEN, I JUST HAVE TO SA-THERE'S NOTHING NOT TO LIKE

ABOUT THAT CARD.

>> YOU'VE GOT BE [BLEEP] KIDDINGME?

>> WILL YOU PLEASE REFRAIN FROMUSING YOUR YANKEE AND NORTHERN

EXPRESSIONS IN THIS CHAMBER?

>> GENTLEMEN, I BELIEVE I FOUNDA COMPROMISE THAT SHOULD AVOID

ANY SORT OF CONFLICT.

I CHOSE TO FOCUS ON FAMILY THISYEAR.

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHTS,SIR.

OH, MY GOD, THAT'S A BEAUTIFULFAMILY.

>> [BLEEP].

>> THAT'S BARBECUE LANGUAGE, NOTMEETING LANGUAGE.

HOLD ON.

GIVE HIM A MINUTE.

HE'LL SNORE THROUGH IT.

THERE YOU GO.

>> OH, THOSE SOUTHERN GENTLEMEN,THEY ARE SO WRONG, BUT THEY'RE

SO, GOSH, DARNED GENTLEMANLYABOUT IT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> WELCOME BACK.

FIRST UP, "NIGHTLY SHOW"CONTRIBUTOR JORDAN CARLOS,

"NIGHTLY SHOW" CONTRIBUTOR MIKEYARD, AND VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN

AIDA RODRIGUEZ JOINS US.

AND FOR EVERYONE AT HOME, JOINOUR CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW ON

TWITTER @NIGHTLYSHOW USING THE#TONIGHTLY.

WITH TED CRUZ I'M BAFFLED.

WITH CARSON, I GET IT, HE HADTO BE SMART.

HE'S A BRAIN SURGEON.

EVEN THOUGH IT SEEMS LIKE HEMIGHT HAVE REMOVED SOME OF HIS

OWN BRAIN.

AND TRUMP AS A BUSINESSMANHANDLES BEEFS, AND DOESN'T CARE

ABOUT POLITICAL CORRECTNESS.

I GET THAT TOO.

BUT PLEASE HELP ME TO UNDERSTANDTHIS TED CRUZ SURGE.

>> HE'S THE FLAVOR OF THE MONTH.

>> THAT'S A PRETTY UNSAVORYFLAVOR.

>> WE'LL TRY THEM ALL BEFORETHIS CAMPAIGN IS OVER.

I THINK I READ SOMEWHERE THAT HEWAS DRAFTING OFF OF TRUMP.

THAT IT WAS LIKE -- THEY MADETHIS NASCAR ANALOGY, AND BEING

BLACK AND A NERD, I DIDN'T GETIT AT ALL.

I GUESS THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.

>> USING HIS WIND, I GUESS.

>> YES.

>> I CAN'T CALL IT, MAN.

IF I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON, IWOULD STOP IT.

I WOULD STOP IT.

>> YOU WOULD STOP IT?

>> STOP IT.

I'M STARTING TO THINK IT'S ONEBIG ELABORATE EPISODE OF

"PUNKED."

I'M WAITING FOR ASHTON KUTCHNERTO POP OUT AND SAY, "AMERICA,

YOU'VE BEEN PUNKED!"I COULD HANDLE THAT.

I COULD HANDLE THAT.

>> DO YOU THINK IT'S THE SECONDAMENDMENT PEOPLE, BECAUSE HE'S

ABOUT GUNS, GUNS, OR -->> IT'S ABOUT SOMEBODY WHO WANTS

TO SHOOT SOMEBODY, KILL THEM,ASK FOR FORGIVENESS, AND GO

ABOUT THEIR BUSINESS THE NEXTDAY.

>> I THINK PEOPLE SUPPORTING TEDCRUZ IS PEOPLE THAT SAY IF JESUS

HAD A GUN THE CRUCIFIXION WOULDHAVE WENT DIFFERENTLY.

>> YES, YES.

>> IT'S TRUE, I KNOW, EXACTLY.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?

THEN THER THERE WOULDN'T BE ARELIGION.

>> AND WE'D BE FREE.

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

>> CRUZ IS AGAINST ABORTION,SAME-SEX MARRIAGE.

HE'S DEFINITELY AGAINST THAT.

HE WANTS TO REPEAL OBAMACARE,AND DO AWAY WITH THE IRS.

HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN GLOBALWARMING.

AND HE LOVES GUNS BUT I THINKCRUZ IS NOT KIDDING AROUND.

>> HE'LL DO EVERYTHING THE KKKDOES, EVERY SINGLE THING THEY DO

HE'LL DO.

ABSOLUTELY.

NO GLOBAL WARMING?

COME ON, SON, REALLY?

>> I DON'T KNOW IF THE KKK ISINTERESTED IN CLIMATE CHANGE.

>> THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT CLIMATECHANGE IS, BUT IF BLACK PEOPLE

LIKE IT THEY HATE IT.

>> THEY DON'T WANT THE RACIALCLIMATE TO CHANGE.

I WOULD SAY THAT TED CRUZ,RIGHT, I FEEL TED CRUZ IS A LOT

MORE ORGANIZED THAN DONALDTRUMP.

DONALD TRUMP JUST GETS UP --LIKE HE'S YOUR DRUNK UNCLE AT A

WEDDING, YOU KNOW, ALWAYSINTERRUPTING HIMSELF EVEN THOUGH

HE HAS ALL THIS TIME.

I WANT TO SAY RIGHT NOW -- OH,ANOTHER THING.

HEY, STAND UP.

HE NEVER FINISHES A SENTENCE.

>> HE'S THE PRESIDENT FROMIDIOCRACY

>> HE'S A REALITY STAR.

HE SAID 6 MILLION PEOPLE OVERTHE AGE OF 112 ARE RUINING

SOCIAL SECURITY.

THERE'S THREE OR FOUR?

>> "6 MILLION PEOPLE" CAME OUTOF HIS MOUTH.

>> YES, AND IT'S DRAGGING DOWNSOCIAL SECURITY.

>> WHO SAYS THIS?

>> DONALD TRUMP.

>> 6 MILLION PEOPLE THAT ARE112?

>> YES.

HE SAID THAT.

>> THIS IS A WHOLE NEW GROUP OFPEOPLE WE NEED TO GO AFTER.

>> THERE'S LIKE SIX OF THEM.

FIVE OF THEM ARE BLACK, AND THEYALL READ "EBONY" MAGAZINE.

>> 6 MILLION PEOPLE OVER THE AGEOF 112?

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRIGGINGMIND?

>> WHO ARE YOU SUPPORTING,AMERICA?

>> DOES CRUZ HAVE LATINO APPEAL,DO YOU THINK?

>> DOES CRUZ HAVE LATINO APPEAL,DO YOU THINK?

>> THE ONES THAT HATETHEMSELVES.

>> THE ONES THAT HATETHEMSELVES?

>> YES, ABSOLUTELY.

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND I'M FROMMIAMI, FLORIDA, WHERE THE

DYNAMIC OF THAT MENTALITY IS --THERE'S NO WAY --

>> CRUZ HAS SUPPORT IN SOUTHERNFLORIDA.

>> YEAH, FROM THE WHITE CUBANSWHO DON'T WANT TO BE ASSOCIATED

WITH PEOPLE OF COLOR. I'M ADIASPORA NEGRO

WITH PEOPLE OF COLOR. I'M ADIASPORA NEGRO

>> THAT SOUNDS LIKE A NEGRO'SNAME

>> THAT'S WHERE THE LINE IS?>> YES.

>> DON'T PRESERVE THAT FOOD, GETIN HERE!

I'M SORRY, YOU WERE SAYINGABOUT --

>> I JUST THINK THAT THELATINOS, THAT WE HAVE TO BE

COLLECTIVE THINKERS.

IF YOU THINK MEXICAN PEOPLE AREBENEATH YOU, YOU'RE A LATINO

PERSON, THAT'S THE MENTALITYTHAT TED BUNDY -- I MEAN CRUZ.

>> OH!

>> ALL RIGHT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.