Monday, April 4, 2016

  • 04/04/2016

Emily Fleming, Matt Braunger and Jon Daly describe their #BestWeekendIn5Words, express themselves via GIFs of sports fans and listen in on conversations in Los Angeles.

-Tuesday is Deep Dish Pizza Day.-FLEMING: Yay!

Yeah, or as New Yorkers call it,

Casserole That Can Go(Bleep) Itself Day.

(laughter)

Uh, personally, I do enjoy deepdish. I like both, all right?

I am bi when it comes to pizza.

Uh, I like the thin,but I like the deep dish,

'cause it's one of the few foodsthat's classified

both a carbohydrateand as an intense sedative.

-Uh...-(laughter)

And no one... no one likesdeep dish pizza more than

Pizza Squirrel!

-(applause and cheering)-FLEMING: Yeah! Oh!

It only took him 25 minutesto climb up that tree...

-(laughter)-(Hardwick pants deeply)

...where he hada massive heart attack.

(panting loudly)

The only reasonI think that's funny is just

that when he falls outof the tree,

having hada massive heart attack,

is the tiny little squirrelambulance that pulls up.

And they run out.

(in high-pitched voice):Clear!

Don't you (bleep)die on me! Clear!

-Playing the...-BRAUNGER: But then they can't

fit him into the truck.

HARDWICK:They can't fit him into the...

-(laughter)-Oh!

-Yeah.-(applause and cheering)

Comedians, what's a fun factabout Pizza Squirrel?

Emily.

He's going through a real messydivorce with Pizza Rat.

HARDWICK:Yeah. Points. Points.

-Jon. -Well, he stores his nutsin Papa John's hole.

(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

He does.

Matt Braunger.

He's knowinglylactose intolerant.

His family hates himfor his heinous farts.

HARDWICK:Yeah, points. Points.

No, but they're adorablesquirrel farts.

-They're adorable. -BRAUNGER:They are. They sound cute, but

-they smell like gas. -HARDWICK:Squeaky... Yeah. Yeah.

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

Ugh! Thank God Monday's over.

Monday sucks so muchI want to die!

Which should delightthe Internet.

-Uh...-(laughter, groans)

Garfield was rightabout everything.

Today sucks, and lasagna'sfun to eat with your hands

by throwing it into your mouth,but I still want

to give our audiencea great weekend-y feeling,

which is why tonight's hashtagis #BestWeekendIn5Words.

Examples might be:I Netflix'd and chilled myself,

-(laughter)-or...

Coke and hookers in GTA5!

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Matt.-Uh...

set stuffed animalsaflame naked.

Points. John.

Fingering the booty ass bitch.

-Points.-(laughter)

Emily.

Found my dad on PornHub.

-Yes. Points.-(laughter, groaning, applause)

-John. -Liam Neeson,Tom Dreesen threesome.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Matt. -Stoned.Floating in raft indefinitely.

Points.

-John.-Went to church, sold merch.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Emily.-Went Dutch on an abortion.

-Points.-(laughter, groaning)

(applause)

Uh-oh. Emily.

Got laid and didn't cry.

-All right. Points.-BRAUNGER: Nice going.

John.

Tinder, then Grindr,then PetFinder.

-Points!-(laughter)

What an amazing weekend.

That is the endof the #HashtagWars.

It's time to play Blank Had MeLike: Sportz R Important.

(cheering)

Mark it in your record books,because April 4, 2016,

did not neglect the balls--I mean sports balls--

because we arein opening day season.

The NCAA March Madnessand baseball just kicked off,

but no matter who wins,

the real star of March Madnessis the fans.

Every year in every sport we getamazing GIFs of spectators

who are experiencing the entire spectrum of human emotions.

So we're gonna show youa GIF of sports fans' reactions,

and for 250 points,I want you to say

what had you like that,all right?

First up,this little hockey hothead.

(whispering):Yeah. Aah.

Uh, Matt Braunger.

Realizing I'd outlive everyonein the stadium had me like...

-Points.-I win.

Jon Daly.

Realizing I had the samepersonal style

as filmmaker Kevin Smith.

HARDWICK: All right.I'd read it like this.

Khan!

Khan!

Next up, this bear football bro.

Matt.

Finding my family heirloomT-shirt

when I thought I'd drunkenlylost it had me like...

-Yeah, points. Points.-It's right here! Grandma!

Jon.

Type 2 diabetes had me like...

All right, points.

Emily.

Freeing the nipplehad me like...

Yeah, points. That is a...that nipple is very free.

-Oh, it's free. -That guy'snipples need to go to jail.

Uh, next up, this man havingcollege football feelings.

Aw.

Oh, no. Emily.

Realizing you have a UTIon a camping trip had me like...

-Points.-Ugh.

And I'd also...

HARDWICK:That sounded very personal.

Uh, the worst.But I also want to count out

-that it looks like he broughtboth wives. -Yeah, he did.

-He's got one, two rings.-Oh, my God, yeah,

-you're totally right.-He's like, "Aw..."

-DALY: Whoa! Whoa.-BRAUNGER: Yeah.

Karen and Sharon.

Now he's marriedto that mustache.

Next up, this freestylingfootball fan.

Emily.

My wife signing the divorcepapers got me like...

Points.

Eh...

I... I have a feelingshe, uh, signed 'em first.

-FLEMING: Yeah. Yup.-Uh, Matt Braunger.

Uh, hallucinating wildly thatI was dodging a cattle stampede

-had me like...-Yeah, points.

And finallythese ultra Cali bros.

Huh? Whoa!

BRAUNGER:Yes.

-Fleming.-Oh.

White privilege got me like...

-Yes, points.-Yeah.

Matt Braunger.

The moment I realizedI wasn't outside on a beach

-watching beach basketball,dude. -Points.

-Jon.-My audition for CSI: Miami

had me like...

Yeah, perfect. Perfect.

Points for that.

Overheard in L.A.Overheard in L.A.

Los Angeles, am I right?

It's like the New York Cityof California!

"What?Don't you (bleep) say that."

Uh, L.A. just celebratedits anniversary

of its incorporation in 1850,when it stopped being

a craphole of angels and juststarted being a city of angels.

The Web site LAist has a weeklyfeature called Overheard in L.A.

that collects bizarre nuggetsof conversational

"what the (bleep)" fromall over our beautiful little

trash valley. Some highlightsfrom a recent installment

include, "I can afford cocainebut I like crack" and...

Well, what a braggart. Uh...

And "Being vegan isbasically like being Jewish."

What?

I don't think so. Anyway,

comedians, I would like you togive me as many L.A. overheards

as you can in 60 seconds.Uh, and begin. Emily.

I'm on a people cleanse.It's called the Purge.

Points. Points. Jon Daly.

Little known fact: the HollywoodSign has three glory holes.

Points.

Emily.

These are real. Silicone.

Points. Matt.

Why doesn't In-N-Out serve wine?

Uh, points. Jon Daly.

I'm Scott Baio, and I will doanything to be famous again.

All right, points. Points.

Emily.

My Tesla ran out of kale again!

All right, points.

Emily Fleming.

My parents saidif I lose two pounds,

I can keep beingin their movies.

All right, points. Jon Daly.

I'm Nicolas Cage,and I'm in your house!

Oh! So good!

Jon Daly.

My shih tzu is OT VII.

All right.

Points.

Jesus Christ. Emily.

It's walkable. Let's drive.

All right, points. Matt.

What's your favoritevegan steakhouse?

Points.

Points. Jon.

Put this crystal in your butt,and you'll make...

-(buzzer sounds) -I don't carewhat... I don't...

-Get it out. Get it out.-Listen, I'm gonna stop you

right there.I don't care what's next.

-Come on! -That's amazing.No, it's already perfect.

-It's already perfect. Points.-All right. Okay! -Right there.