Wednesday, June 11, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01077
  • 06/11/2014

Maria Bamford, Jackie Kashian and Tommy Johnagin watch a fan react to nudity on "Game of Thrones," list #FakeWorldCupFacts and write embarrassing parental status updates.

IT IS 11:59 AND 59 SECONDS, THISHAPPENED ON TWITTER TODAY.

>> THE SEASON FINALE OF "GAME OFTHRONES", AIRS THIS WEEKEND AND

I KNOW THIS MAY COME AS A SHOCK:THE INTERNET IS INTERESTED.

>> THIS IS GEORGE R.R. MARTIN'SFIRST TWEET HE HASH TASHED IT MY

FIRST TWEET SO HE HAS THAT DOWN,HE DOESN'T TWEET THAT MUCH.

HE IS ONE TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TOGO TO HIS LIVEJOURNAL.

LIVEJOURNAL IS SO OLD SCHOOLINTERNET IT ACTUALLY MAILS YOU A

CD WITH 80 FREE HOURS OF AOL.

NOW, OF COURSE THERE ARE SOMEREACTION VIDEOS LIKE THIS ONE

FROM MELISANDRA AND THE REDPRIESTESS RECENT NUDE SCENE.

>> WATCH AND LISTEN.

>> OH, TITS!

>> IF THIS KID IS THISEXCITED BY A PAIR OF BOOBS ON

CABLE HE SHOULD PUT IN A BITEBLOCK BEFORE HE SEES THE

INTERNET FOR THE FIRST TIME,BECAUSE HE WILL SWALLOW HIS

TONGUE FROM THE SEIZURE THATWILL ENSUE.

>> NOW CARICE VAN HOUTEN, THEAMAZING ACTRESS AND BOOB-HAVE'R

IN QUESTION RESPONDED TO THEVIDEO BY TWEETING

WOW I MEAN, HIS MOTHER HAS THEM.WINKY EMOTICON.

>> BY THE WAY, THAT IS A WEIRDWAY TO RESPOND TO THE INTERNET

IF YOUR MOM WALKS INTO THE ROOMYOU SHOULD NEVER GO "TITS" EVER.

>> COMEDIANS THE FINALE IS THISSUNDAY SO I WANT TO KNOW WHAT

YOU YELL WHILE WATCHING "GAME OFTHRONES".

>> MARIA BAMFORD, GO.

>> I HAVE CABLE? WHO GOT MECABLE?

>> JACKIE KASHIAN GO.

>> I READ THE BOOK, HALF OFTHESE PEOPLE ARE DEAD.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: TOMMY JOHNAGIN.

>> LENA DUNHAM SHOULD HAVETAKEN THE GIRLS IN A DIFFERENT

DIRECTION.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

>> E3 IS HAPPENING, NINTENDO HADE3 PRESENTATION AND DEBUTED A

GRIP OF NEW GAMES THAT WERE SOSWEET AND CUTE, YOU'D SWEAR THEY

WERE MADE OF MARZIPAN.

>> LIKE THIS ONE FEATURINGMARIO'S SIDEKICK, YOSHI, MADE

OUT OF YARN.

>> TITS!

>> THAT'S MY VERSION OF THAT.

>> THAT IS A FRICKING YARN-BOMBYOSHI. THAT GAME IS SO ADORABLE

IT WILL CAUSE FOR SPLOOSHED INVINTAGE DRESSES THAT A UKULELE

PLAYING ZOOEY DESCHANEL PLAYINGBELLE AND SEBASTIAN COVERS.

>> NOW AT SONY'S BRIEFING, THEYDEBUTED A TRAILER FOR THE NEW

MORTAL KOMBAT GAME.

COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THESEPORNGRAPHICALLY VIOLENT ACTS

ACTUALLY TAKES PLACE IN THETRAILER FOR MORTAL KOMBAT X.

>> A, A LITTLE PERSON STABS ACHARACTER'S EYES OUT.

B, A HOLE IS CREATED IN ATORSO AND THE SPINE IS THEN

SNAPPED IN HALF

>> C, A CHARACTER SQUEEZES THEBLOOD FROM A HEART ON TO HIS

FACE.

JACKIE.

>> B.

BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I WOULD DO.

>> Chris: WELL, NOT ONLY AREYOU CORRECT BUT ALL OF THOSE ARE

RIGHT ANSWERS.

AND JUST TO SHOW YOU WHAT THATLOOKS LIKE IN CASE YOU CAN'T

PLAY MOVIES IN YOUR BRAIN.

HERE WE GO.

>> THAT IS A LOT.

>> Chris: THAT IS NOT THEBEHAVIOR OF LITTLE PEOPLE I

EXPECT FROM TLC.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

NEXT, GOOD NEWS FROM OUR FRIENDSOVER IN VANCOUVS, INSPIRED BY

THE TWITTER TREASURE HUNTMADNESS OF @HIDDENCASH, AN

ANONYMOUS CANADIAN IS USING HISTWITTER ACCOUNT TO GIVE OUT WHAT

>> A, BACON, B, WEED OR C, HJS?

>> TOMMY JOHNAGIN.

>> B, WEED, BECAUSE IF IT WAS CI'D MOVE TO CANADA.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS, IN FACT,B, WEED!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] YEP, YOUFOLLOW @HIDDENWEEDYVR WHICH I

BELIEVE IS THE AIRPORT CODE TOVANCOUVER, IF MY TRAVELS DON'T

LIE, SO YOU GET CLUES LIKE THIS:YOU'LL NEED TO BEAT AROUND THIS

BUSH TO FIND THE HIDDEN PURPLEKUSH.

HASHTAG WARS!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THE WORLD CUP STARTS TOMORROWAND EVERY COUNTRY OUTSIDE THE

THE UNITED STATES GIVES A(BLEEP) SO TO HELP AMERICANS

HAVE EVEN LESS OF ANUNDERSTANDING OF THE WORLD'S

MOST POPULAR SPORTS, TONIGHT IS#FAKEWORLDCUPFACTS SO AN EXAMPLE

MIGHT BE THE OFFICIAL BALL OFCOCAINE OR THE ENTIRE ITALIAN

TEAM STILL LIVES WITH THEIR MOMOR THE FINAL IN THE US WILL BE

VIEWED BY ABOUT AS MANY PEOPLEAS A RERUN OF HOT IN CLEVELAND

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SENDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

>> TOMMY JOHNAGIN.

>> JUSTIN BIEBER IS STINGING ALLOF THE NATIONAL ANTHEMS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JACKIE.

>> THAT IS THE CUP OF ACARPENTER.

>> Chris: YES. INDIANA JONES ANDTHE LAST CRUSADE!

POINTS! BAMFORD.

>> IN EUROPE, IT IS NOT CALLEDSOCCER, IT IS CALLED RIOTING.

>> Chris: POINTS. YEAH, POINTS,GOOD.

TOMMY.

GERMANY'S TEAM IS MADE UP OFALL OPENLY GAY MEN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

>> JACKIE.

>> NO HUMAN HAS HEADS WEREREALLY USED.

>> POINTS. BAMFORD.

BRAZIL IS SAFE.>> POINTS, POINTS.

AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS.

>> AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS.COM HASBUILT AN EMPIRE OF PICTURES THAT

FAMILIES WILL SPEND THE REST OFTHEIR LIVES WISHING NEVER

EXISTED.

BUT LUCKILY THEY DO.

COMEDIANS FOR 250 POINTS I WOULDLIKE YOU TO CAPTION THESE FAMILY

PHOTOS, ALL RIGHT? VERY SIMPLE.

>> FIRST ONE, THIS GUN LOVINGCLAN.

>> I HAVE NEVER SEEN A BABY LOOKMORE FRIGHTENED IN MY LIFE.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN A BABY THATSHOULD LOOK MORE FRIGHTENED.

>> Chris: WHAT IS THE CAPTION.

>> THERE USED TO BE MORE OF US.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> Chris: MARIA.

>> WE ARE THE COWARDS, WE DON'TKNOW HOW TO USE OUR WORDS.

>> Chris: NICE.

I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, THESEPEOPLE KILL PEOPLE.

>> I WONDER WHAT FAMILY THEY'REFIGHTING AGAINST.

>> Chris: IF YOU OPEN A PHOTOOUT IT IS THE MCCOYS ON THE

OTHER SIDE.

ALL RIGHT NEXT ONE.

THIS VIOLENTLY DOMESTICATEDFAMILY.

>> GRRR.

>> IT'S SO FUNNY WHEN I CHOKETHEM. JACKIE.

NACO LIBRE.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

I THINK A BETTER PICTURE WOULDBE HIM TRYING TO GET HIS HANDS

AROUND THEIR WAISTS.

(BLEEP). DAMN.

>> IF DADDY DOESN'T KILL US TYPE2 DIABETES WILL.

>> AH.

>> Chris: I FEEL BAD BUT THEAUDIENCE WANTS ME TO GIVE YOU

POINTS, SO YOU GET 'EM.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> YOU ARE BAD PEOPLE! YOU AREBAD PEOPLE! YOU SHOULD FEEL

BAD! YOU ARE JUST FUELING THEFIRES OF HOW BAD YOU ARE!

>> WELL, THAT WAS GREAT.

THAT WAS GREAT.

>> Chris: DARK EVIL HEARTS OFTHIS AUDIENCE SO POINTS FOR YOU,

MARIA BAMFORD.

NEXT ONE, HOW ABOUT THESEPROBABLY NOT VERY FIT PARENTS.

>> YES, TOMMY.

>> IT LOOKS SO DIFFERENT FROMTHE OUTSIDE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> IT MUST BE REAL SPECIAL IFYOU HAVE TO WEAR A BOW TIE TO GO

IN THERE.

>> WHO KNEW IT WAS SEMIFORMAL.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE.

THIS FIERY FAMILY.

>> OH.

>> Chris: YES, TOMMY.

>> I DIDN'T KNOW THE FLATTOPSWERE HEREDITARY.

>> Chris: THEY ARE, YEP.

IF THEY REALLY WANTED TO MAKETHIS PICTURE AWESOME THEY WOULD

ALL HAVE FLATTOPS.

BUT, NO.

YOU HAVE POINTS.

MARIA.

>> WE ARE FINE, EVERYTHING ISFINE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> WE ARE JUST HANGING OUT ANDMAKING OUT IN THE CRAB NEBULA.

>> YES.

JACKIE.

>> WE ARE GOING TO MAKE OUTDURING THE RAPTURE.

>> Chris: YES.

GOOD.

POINTS.

HOW ABOUT THIS LAST ONE, THESEPARENT TO BE?

>> I DON'T FEEL GOOD RIGHT NOW.

>> Chris: JACKIE?

>> HORIZONTAL STRIPES DO WHAT?

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARIA.

>> HONEY, I CAN FEEL IT KILLINGFROM THE INSIDE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> DOCTOR? THIS BABY IS GOING TO(BLEEP)ING DELIVER ITSELF.

>> WHEN DID HOT TOPIC GET AMATERNITY SECTION.

BAD PARENTAL STATUS UPDATES

BAD PARENTAL STATUS UPDATES.

>> SO REMEMBER THE EARLY DAYS OFFACEBOOK WHEN YOUR PARENTS

WEREN'T ON IT?

>> YES.

>> Chris: HARD TO THINK BACKJUST A FEW YEARS AGO BUT THERE

WAS A TIME.

YOU WERE FREE TO POST PICTURESOF YOURSELF AT A FRAT PARTY

PUKING IN A KIDDIE POOL FILLEDWITH NATTY ICE AND NO ONE WOULD

BE LIKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITHTHE MONEY WE SEND YOU? NOW YOUR

PARENTS ARE THERE, SPRING BREAKBACK IN LA IS TRANSFORMED INTO A

ROAD TRIP IN THE HOOVER DAM IN ASTATION WAGON.

SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE USSOME STATUS UPDATES YOU WOULDN'T

WANT TO SEE FROM YOUR PARENTS.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND GO.

>> JACKIE.

>> WHO KNEW MENSA IS JUST ANEXCUSE FOR WIFE SWAPPING?

>> YES, MARIA>> WE ARE DRINKING AGAIN!

>> POINTS, TOMMY JOHNAGIN.

>> I JUST FIT AN ENTIRE BANANAIN MY MOUTH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TOMMY.

>> I JUST FIGURED OUT HOW TOPRIVATE MESSAGE.

GET OVER AND BLOW ME BEFOREMY WIFE GETS BACK FROM THE STORE

>> Chris: POINTS, JACKS.

>> I FOUND MY JOINT I LEFT INTHE BATHROOM IN 1983.

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOUPOINTS FOR THAT.

I AM SORRY.

TOMMY.

>> LOVE AND PRAYERS TO MY NEWFRIEND FROM NIGERIA, LOOKING

FORWARD TO OUR NEW BUSINESSENDEAVOR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BAMFORD.

>> POST PROSTATE SURGERY, WE ARELEARNING TO BE INTIMATE AGAIN.

>> Chris: POINTS TO BAMFORD.

>> YES, MARIA.

>> I AM SO PROUD OF MY DAUGHTER.

WHO JUST KEEPS PUTTING IT OUTTHERE AND DOING HER OWN THING.

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOUPOINTS FOR THAT.

JACK.

>> EVERYTHING USED TO BE BETTER,RIGHT?

>> Chris: YES.

TOMMY.

>> PEOPLE STILL DO ORGIES?

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