• 03/12/2015

Cristela Alonzo describes a romantic trip that went awry, Tom Segura remembers meeting fellow comic Bruce Bruce, and Joe Rogan looks back on an unexpected hotel evacuation.

Mr. Joe Rogan,everybody.

Let him hear it.

So I've done a lot of travelingdoing stand-up comedy,

and one of the weird thingsabout traveling is,

sometimes you have to stayin hotels,

most of the time,all the time.

Forget what I said earlier.

All the time.

And most of the time,it's uneventful,

but I was in a hotel fire once,

and it's somethingyou never think about,

you hear about occasionallyon the news,

but when it happens,it's a real freak out.

It was in the middleof the night.

We'd gone to bed at about 2:00in the morning,

and about 4:30,and I hear...

[imitates alarm blaring]

I jump up,and I grabbed the alarm clock,

and I--what buttondo I have to push to stop this?

[imitates alarm blaring]

I'm thinking, "I'm gonna wake upevery [bleep]ing person

"in this hotel.

I can't believe how loudI have this."

I mean,it didn't make any sense.

I'm delirious.I don't know what's going on.

I'm in that weird dream state,and I hear,

"Attention, a fire has beendetected in the building.

"Please evacuate immediately.

"Do not use the elevators.

Take the stairs."

I don't even knowif this is real.

It doesn't make sense.

I don't know if it'sa recording.

I don't know what's going on.

But then the guy keeps the mickeyed open,

and you hear a womanin the background going,

"We've got to get these[bleep]ing people out of here."


And I'm in my underwear,so I'm like,

"Okay, what do I need?

I need clothes,my laptop."

I grab my shit,and I'm thinking--

I'm on the 15th floor,all right?

It's an old-ass hotel.

We're in the Clift Hotelin San Francisco.

It's Joey Diaz, Tom Seguraand me, okay?

I don't know what roomthey're in, but, you know,

I know we're all onthe same floor somewhere,

so I'm looking for them,and it's a real mind [bleep].

I'm on the 15th floor.

I'm like, "15 flights of stairs.How long does that take?"

♪ Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-dada-da-da ♪

I'm going through it in my head.How fast can I run?

I didn't think about the otherpeople in the [bleep]ing hotel.

There is a riverof sleepy travelers

that I hit when I open my door.

I'm like, "Oh, no, you [bleep].

"You mother[bleep]aren't urgent.

There's not urgencyin your movement."

There's a thin veilof civilization that goes on

when you're in a realnatural emergency,

because it's a [bleep]ingfreak out.

We get to the stairwell.

San Francisco is an old city,

and they have thesereally old hotels

that were designedwhen people were tiny.

They didn't get any food.

They were these little,tiny people.

So I'm not a big guy,but I get into this stairwell,

and I'm like,"This is [bleep]ing ridiculous."

And it's one of those thingsthat they don't do anymore,

where you can seethe whole way down.

So as you're going down,

you could see everybodybelow you,

and they're looking up,

and it's this [bleep]ing riverof people,

and no one's going fast.

And then I start realizingthat a lot of these

[bleep]ing people look likethey're sleepwalking.


And then I start thinkingabout Ambien,

because if you don't know,

39 million Americanstake sleeping pills

on a nightly basis,okay?

And I never thought about thatuntil I had to deal with it.

Most of the time, I go, "Oh,well, you need to go to sleep.

Whatever.I don't give a [bleep]."

But you do give a [bleep] whenyou're in a [bleep]ing hotel,

and all of sudden,everyone is sleepwalking.

If you've never experiencedthis before,

people who are on Ambien,

they just do shitwhile they're sleeping,

and they don't knowthey did it.

You can just wake them upand push them,

and they just keep goingand figure out what to do.

It's a very strange thing.

I have a friend who takes itevery night.

He can't not take it,but he needs sleep so badly

that he's willing to, like,forget that he did shit.

He made a [bleep]ing turkey.



This is not enough to get himto quit doing Ambien.

He got up in the middleof the night,

decided he was making a turkey,went downstairs,

preheated the oven,drove to the supermarket,

bought a turkey, came home,stuffed it,

made mashed potatoesand gravy,

cooked it, ate it,went to sleep,

got up,and called the police.


He goes, "Someone broke intomy house and made a turkey."

They're like,"Do you take Ambien?"

"Yes,but that's not the point."

No,it's a [bleep]ing terrible drug.

It's a weird thing.

Taking sleeping pillsis a dangerous thing.

So I'm in this hotel

where you're enteringinto the stairwell.

Just this funnelof [bleep]ing people,

and some of themwere in slippers,

and some of themwere in bathrobes,

and everybody is [bleep]ingwalking really slow.

And we hit the stairwell,and we start going,

and I see the smoke.

As you're looking down,you're seeing smoke.

It's, like,maybe ten floors down,

like, maybe second, third floor,and I'm like, "[bleep].

"Where is this fire?

"What if I [bleep]ing see fire?

What do I do if I see fire?"

You don't want to bethe first guy to freak out,

but you don't want to be thelast guy to freak out either.

So there's that thing like,"When go time is there,

you've got to be readyfor go time."

Nobody else is readyfor go time.

People start [bleep]ingwaking up on the stairs.

You could see them in the middleof the stairway just going,

"What are we doing?What are we..."

Waking up in the middleof walking down the stairs

in [bleep]ing fire in a hotel.

And this guy, he goes,"What's going on?"

The wife goes,"We're in a hotel fire."

He goes,"A hotel?

Why are we in a hotel?"


These people are just walkingdown the stairs

waking up as their going,

and you could tell the realold-school Ambien junkies,

'cause they're used to waking upin the middle of doing shit.

And this one guy,he grips the railing,

looks around,and just keeps going.


You can tell.

He's like,"Okay, we're doing this.

This is what we're doing."

So we're walking downthe stairway,

and I'm really startingto panic, 'cause I'm, like,

everybody could movea lot faster.

And there's a spacebetween their head

and the stairway above,and I'm like,

"If I could just get inthat space,

I can make some[bleep]ing progress."

But you don't want to bethe first guy

to step on people's head,so I'm like,

"Okay, keep it together.

Keep it together;keep it together, 15 floors."

I have kids, okay?

I'm starting to [bleep]ingreally freak out.

And then one guy decidesto stop the line.

He grabs the rail,and he goes,

"Do we even knowwhere we're going?"

And you see everyonejust sort of just rise up

behind this guy,and everyone's thinking

just murderous,chimpanzee thoughts.

It's just the deep,primal part of your brain

that wants to survive.

And that was the guythat I focused on

for the whole rest of the timewe came down the stairs,

'cause I said,"That's my guy.

The moment I see fire,

I'm gonna punch throughthat dude's asshole,

pull out his skeletal system,

and wear him as a fire suitto run to safety.

That's my plan.

I'm like, "I am not[bleep]ing burning to death

'cause I'm in a hotelwith a bunch of sleepy bitches."

And I'm also thinkingthe whole time,

"How the [bleep] is Joey Diazgetting in this staircase?"

That's part of whatI'm thinking.

So, you know, I love my friend,so I get outside,

and I'm looking for Joey.

We get outside.

It turns outit wasn't really a fire.

It turns out it was a bunchof drunk assholes

who just set offthe fire extinguisher,

which is really goodthat nobody freaked out,

'cause the last thing is--

you want to be outsidewhen they go,

"There was no real fire,"

while you're wearinga dude's skin.


And you're like,"I'm such a dick.

I'm really sorryabout all this."

Right when they saidthere's no fire,

everybody goes,"Where's Joey? Where's Joey?"

Joey Diaz comes aroundthe corner,

and he's holding a joint.

And I go,"How did you get outside?"

He goes, "I took the elevator,like a doctor."


Thank you very much.You guys have been awesome.

[cheers and applause]

(Tom)All right.

I don't know if you guysknow this or not,

but comedians' livesare lonely.

It's a lonely existence.

I mean,you're in airports and hotels

and cities with strangersevery week.

It gets lonely.Like, it really does.

Like, you can only masturbate,like,

so many timesbefore you're like,

"I've got to get somethingto eat," you know?


it's one of those things.

You've got to find somethingto boost you up.

You know what'sthe biggest boost?

The biggest sparkwhen you're on the road

is actually running intoanother comedian.

It's the best.

I can't even describe it to you.

It's the one thingthat you're like, "Yes."

If it's a comedianyou already know,

it's like a reunion.

And if it's a comedianyou've never met,

"There's so much excitementat the potential."

You're,"Oh, is he gonna be weird?

"Is he gonna be hilarious?

Is it gonna be hilarioushow weird he is?"

But there's so much there.

You know, it's how I imagineserial killer feel

when they meet each otherthe first time.

They're like, "You know,you do it differently

"than the way I do it,but I totally respect

"your commitment to the craft.

"Like,you keep their toes in jars.

That's nuts.That's awesome."

So I'm at the airport,

and I'm waiting to boarda flight,

and who do I see at the gate

boarding the same flight?

The comedian Bruce Bruce.

Now, if you don't knowwho Bruce Bruce is,

super successful comic,had TV shows.

He sells out clubsand theaters everywhere.

He's awesome.

And I've never met him.

I see him at the gate,and I'm like,

"I'm gonna go talkto Bruce Bruce."

And then I go,"No, you're not.

Bruce Bruce doesn't wantto talk to you."


So I don't say anything.

And then we board the flight,and I get upgraded.


and now, who is sitting directlyacross the aisle from me?

Bruce Bruce.

Now I can't help myself.

Now I have to say something.

So I introduced myselfto Bruce Bruce.

Now, for this to reallymake sense to you,

if you don't know who he is,I have to paint a picture, okay?

Bruce Bruce is black,he has dreads,

and he's a big boy,all right?

Like,when you say your name twice,

there's a lot of you.


Bruce Bruce is, like,4 bills, okay?


I made name myself Tom Tomif I gain another 100 pounds.



I'm sitting across the aislefrom Bruce Bruce,

and I introduce myself,and he could not be nicer.

Just to give you an ideaof his status,

we're at the gate on this plane,

and the flight attendantannounces

that we're stuck at the gate,and she says,

"You can get offif you want to.

"Just take your boarding passwith you.

And then you can get back on."

So as I'm talking to himand they say that, I go,

"I'm not getting off,"and he goes,

"I'm not getting off,"and then a woman,

a passenger from the backof the plane walks up.

and she leans down to him,and she goes,

"I'm getting off ; is thereanything you want or need?"

And he goes,"I would love some candy."

And she goes,"Candy?"

And he goes, "Twix, Skittles,shit like that."


And then she gets off the plane,and I go, "Who is that?"

And he goes,"I don't know."


And I'm like, "Are strangersbuying you candy?"

And he goes, "Yeah."


Like, that's Bruce Bruce status,okay?

So we keep talking.

We kind of start talkingabout gigs that we've done,

and we start talkingabout comedians and who's funny.

Who arethe funniest comics ever?

And we start literally listingcomedians through time.

Like, we start with, like,Lenny Bruce and Dick Gregory,

and we talked about GeorgeCarlin and Richard Pryor,

all the way through Eddie Murphyand into today, you know,

Kevin Hart and Dave Attell.

And then Kevin Bruce Bruce says,"That's all good,

but do you know who the funniestcat of all time is?"

Now,I think it's a setup.

I think he's just gonna be like,"It's me, bitch.

I'm the funni"--like, it's like that, right?

That's what I thinkit's gonna be.

And I'm gonna let him have it.

So I go, "No," like, "Who'sthe funniest cat of all time."

And he goes Andy Griffith.

And I go, "What?"


And he goes,"Andy Griffith."

And I go,"Are you talking about, like..."


"That dude?"

And he goes,"Yeah, you ever been to

the Andy Griffith Museumbefore?"

And I go,"What kind of question is that?

No, of course not, man, like...

Is that real?"

And he goes,"Real?

"They have the carthat he used to sit in,

"and you can sit in it too.

And you can touch shitthat he used to touch."


And he goes,"Did you ever see episode 215

of The Andy Griffith Show?"

And I go, "No, ass burgers,I didn't see episode 215."


And he goes,"That's my favorite episode.

It originally airedMarch 13, 1967."

And I go, "Are you [bleep]ingwith me right now?"


And he goes...

"No, it was March 13, 1967."


And then he ate Twix,

and he didn't talk to mefor the rest of the flight,

but I am begging you,

if you ever see Bruce Bruceanywhere,

walking around, sitting downat a show, anywhere,

just go and be, "Hey, man,Andy Griffith is the shit,"

and he'll be like,"I know!

I've been saying that shit!"

And he'll lose his mind.

That's it for me.You guys are the best.

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

(Cristela)So I'm in my 30s,

and I've only had one boyfriendin my life.

And I think it's weird too,because I'm obviously so pretty.



Thanks.That's my mom.



Oh, no, no.

I also have to tell you thatI have a thing for Jewish guys.

I love Jewish guys.

Like, you know how guys getexcited when they see, like...




[cheers and applause]

Where did you getthat Spanish from?

It's because I grew upin South Texas,

and I grew upwith Mexicans,

so then when I movedto New York,

I thought Jewish guyswere so exotic

that I was like,"Oh, my God."

I, like, yeah!

[laughter and applause]

So I was doing an open mic,and I met this guy,

and he was a stand-up comic too.

He still is.

And we started talking,and he was really nerdy,

like, pale, black glasses,you know,

and I was like,"Yes, this guy," and...

30 minutes intothe conversation,

he tells me he's Jewish,and in my, like, I'm like,

"Oh, that's cool,"but in my mind, I'm like...

[imitates alarm blaring]

Like, love it, right?

I'm like,"Oh, I'm on board, right?"

It was a Jewish guy in Dallas.

It was like a unicorn,and...


We ended up going out on a date,

and he tells on the datethat he is a part-time cop.

And I have a fear of cops,

because they tend to benot nice to me in my life,

so we went outon our first date,

and we ended up hitting it off.

We started dating.

We're, like, maybe a monthinto dating, right?

And we decidethat we're gonna have

a romantic trip to New York.

We're gonna go on Thanksgiving,right?

And we're so excited,and I'm, like, loving it,

and the moment we startedplanning the trip,

he becomes Clark Griswoldfrom National Lampoon.

It's, like,he gets really anal.

He's like, "All right,we're gonna go traveling."

That's my Jewish accent.

And he's like,"We're gonna go traveling,

"and we need to make it easyfor security,

"so don't wear any beltsto set off the metal detector.

"Don't put on any shoeswith laces.

"Like, save time,liquids, gels, 3 ounces,

blah, blah, blah,"you know.

I'm like,"Yeah, I've flown before."

Thank you.

So then we go,and we get in line

at the security line,right?

And this guy, he's just like,"Hey, remember, man, like,

if you're wearing a belt,take off your"--

I'm like, "I get this, okay?

I'm not wearing a belt.Good."

We get in the security line.

I go through.

No problem, right?

He gets in the other line,and he walks through,

and then all of a sudden,it's like...

[makes squeaking noise]

His bag, right?

So they're like,"Whoa, whoa

There's something with the bag.

We've got to look insidethe bag," right?

Looks inside the bag.

This old white guywho works at TSA is like,

"Whoa, we've got toshut security down."

Shuts security down.

They sent 200 people awayto another security gate.

We don't know why,right?

This guy, the old white guy,starts swabbing the bag, right?

And it comes back positivefor explosives.

Then I hearthe old white guy say,

"Whoa, Nelly."


The guy looks at the bottomof the bag

and takes outa .40-caliber Glock.


I start thinking,"Oh, my God.

This is not [bleep]inghappening.

[laughter and applause]

They get the gun.

They put me against the wall.

They pad me down.

Mind you, my white boyfriend

isn't getting anyof this shit.

They're like,"Oh, you brought the gun?

Brown girl,come here."

It's like,"Oh, all right."

This is weird,all right."

So after that, they have to callthe police department

that he was a cop to make surehe wasn't lying.

They verify,"Hey, he's a real cop," right?

They let us go.

I go to the plane, and I think,"[bleep] this guy,

"if I never see him again.

I'm going to New Yorkby myself," right.

He sits next to me,and the entire time,

we're just sitting like this.

I'm looking outside the window.

He looks like this.He's looking at me.

An hour into the flight,

I finally look at him and say,

"Well, at least the [bleep]ingbelt didn't set off

the [bleep]ing metal detector."

Thank you.