Extended - Thursday, October 1, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 10/01/2015

Sarah Tiana, Randy Sklar and Jason Sklar help Hillary Clinton win the sorority vote, list #Pizzalebrities and write a review about Chris in this uncensored, extended episode.

(LAUGHTER)BUT NOW, IT'S TIME TO POP THE

PIMPLE OF THE AMERICAN POLITICALPROCESS AND OBSERVE THE FETID

OOZE THAT EMERGES.

THERE FORTH, IT'S PANDERDOME!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)EARLIER THIS WEEK, DRESSBARN

VELOCIRAPTOR HILLARY CLINTON...

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> THAT IS MEAN.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> I'M KIDDING.

>> I JUST WANT TO HANG MONICALEWINSKY'S PURSE ON THAT ARM.

>> HARDWICK: OH, NO. OH, NO.

>> ON THAT ARM.

>> AND THE BLUE DRESS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: OH... NO.

AH, I GOT TO GIVE YOU 100 POINTSFOR THAT.

(LAUGHTER)ANYWAY, UH, SMILESY HERE DID A

FACEBOOK Q&A WHERE SUPPORTERSSERVED UP SOME CHALLENGING

QUESTIONS FOR THE CANDIDATE,LIKE HER STANCE ON THE PUMPKIN

SPIKE LATTE.

"HA! THE ANSWER IS, I USED TO BEUNTIL I SAW HOW MANY CALORIES

ARE IN THEM."

(LAUGHING): OH.

UH...

(LAUGHTER)AND A THOUSAND UGG BOOTS CRIED

OUT IN PAIN.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)I'M SURE THIS PSL GAFFE WILL

HURT HER APPEAL WITH WOMENCURRENTLY IN YOGA CLASS, SO,

COMEDIANS, HOW IS HILLARY GOINGTO WIN BACK THE SORORITY VOTE?

RANDY SKLAR.

>> SHE HAS PROMISED TO HOLD BACKAMERICA'S HAIR IN TIMES OF

TURMOIL, WHICH I THINK IS NICE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. YUP. YUP.

(APPLAUSE)JAY SKLAR.

>> SIX WORDS-- "MEET MY RUNNINGMATE CHANNING TATUM."

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, PERFECT.

POINTS.

>> ON THEIR BACKS.

ON THEIR BACKS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)ON THEIR BACKS.

>> I LOVE IT.

>> AND NOW SHE'S ON BOARD.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, MOVINGON.

THIS WEEK, LUMINOUS MARMOSETDONALD TRUMP POSED WITH...

(AUDIENCE GROANING)...WITH MELANIA AND THEIR SON

BARRON FOR THE COVER OF PEOPLEMAGAZINE.

NOW, AS IF THEY'RE THE CAST OF"FULL HOUSE" AND NOT THE

DELUSIONAL CARTOON BILLIONAIRESCURRENTLY DECIMATING OUR

ELECTION PROCESS.

>> MM-HMM.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: WELL...

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> ALTHOUGH, ALTHOUGH, WAY

FUNNIER THAN "FULL HOUSE."

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

>> LET'S BE HONEST.

>> HARDWICK: THE INTERESTINGTHING ABOUT THIS COVER IS, IT

FEATURES A PRETTY UNFAMILIARSITE, WHICH IS MELANIA TRUMP

SMILING.

THAT'S A SMILE.

NOW, TO PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE, THELAST TIME SHE SMILED, I ASSUME,

WAS WHEN SHE POSED FOR THECATALOGUE SHE WAS ORDERED FROM.

UH...

(AUDIENCE GROANING)(APPLAUSE)

UH...

'CAUSE...

HER DEFAULT FACE IS TYPICALLY,UH, FRESHLY POISONED.

(LAUGHTER)>> THERE ARE... THERE ARE

LOOKS...

>> HARDWICK: I GUESS IF DONALDTRUMP WAS SHOOTING LOADS IN YOUR

MOUTH, YOU'D PROBABLY BE,LIKE...

(AUDIENCE GROANING)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

OH, NO.

OH.

COMEDIANS, WHAT DID THEY SAY ONTHE SET OF THIS PHOTO SHOOT TO

MAKE MELANIA TRUMP SMILE?

(BELL DINGS)JASON.

>> "DON'T WORRY.

THERE'S A LIAM NEESON CHARACTERCOMING TO SAVE YOU VERY SOON."

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OKAY. POINTS.

POINTS.

>> "YOU'VE BEEN TAKEN."

(APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: SARAH TIANA.

>> WELL, FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOTREALLY SURE IF IT'S A SMILE, OR

JUST AN ALLERGIC REACTION TOBOTOX, BUT, I, UH...

>> HARDWICK: WELL, FIRST OF ALL,I HAVE TO GIVE YOU 100 POINTS

FOR THAT.

NOW WHAT WAS IT?

>> OH, GOOD.

I GUARANTEE SOMEONE SAID, "THEHIT MAN SAID HE'LL DO IT!"

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

PERFECT.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)WELL DONE.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)>> SHE...

SHE ALSO HAD JUST FOUND OUT THEYSOLD THEIR SON ON THE BLACK

MARKET.

SO THAT'S ALWAYS GOOD NEWS.

>> HARDWICK: VERY EXCITING.

>> MORE MONEY COMING IN, MOREMONEY COMING IN.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)(TOUGH VOICE): IT'S A BUSINESS

TRANSACTION!

>> YEAH, RIGHT! GEEZ.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT,SCROLLING ALONG THROUGH

PANDERDOME.

SWOLLEN BUMPKIN MIKE HUCKABEE...

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> HARDWICK: ...WHO... LOOKSLIKE SOMEONE PUT TROUSERS ON A

WEBMD LIST OF BEE STINGSYMPTOMS...

(LAUGHTER)...SPENT YESTERDAY PALLING

AROUND WITH SENTIENT LEATHERFANNY PACK CHUCK NORRIS, AND

POSTED THIS PICTURE TOINSTAGRAM.

"HAD A GREAT DAY YESTERDAY INTEXAS WITH CHUCK NORRIS.

THANKFUL TO HAVE HIS WIFE ANDHIM ON OUR TEAM.

HASHTAG: I'M WITH HUCK!"THANKS, TOM SAWYER.

(LAUGHTER)HERE THEY ARE IN A PHOTO GETTING

THEIR SHOES SHINED IN A BATTINGCAGE, I GUESS. I DON'T KNOW...

(LAUGHTER)I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING

THERE.

>> JUST LIKE REGULAR OLDAMERICAN FOLKS.

>> HARDWICK: JUST REGULAR OLDAMERICANS.

>> I MEAN, YOU GO TO AN AIRPORT,THERE ARE THOSE PEOPLE WHO GET

THEIR SHOES SHINED LIKE THEY ARESUPPOSED TO GET THEIR SHOES

SHINED, AND THERE ARE THOSEPEOPLE WHO ARE EMBARRASSED ABOUT

THE WHOLE SITUATION.

>> THESE GUYS ARE NOTEMBARRASSED.

>> HARDWICK: NO, NOT AT ALL.

NOT AT ALL.

>> THIS LOOKS LIKE A DELETEDSCENE FROM FORREST GUMP.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

I GUESS I GOT TO GIVE YOU POINTSFOR THAT.

>> DON'T RUN, HUCKABEE, DON'TRUN!

>> DON'T RUN, HUCK, DON'T RUN!

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: GENIUS!

ABSOLUTELY... GENIUSLY DONE,RANDY SKLAR.

A HUNDRED POINTS FOR THAT.

>> I'LL EAT THE WHOLE BOX OFCHOCOLATES.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: HUNDRED POINTS TO

SARAH TIANA.

IT IS A POINT-A-PALOOZA TODAY!

>> YEAH, I LOVE IT.

>> HARDWICK: NOW...

(WHOOPING)CHUCK NORRIS, OF COURSE, HAS

BEEN A FAMOUS MEME FOR SOMETIME, THANKS TO HYPERBOLIC FACTS

LIKE...

(LAUGHTER)AND...

(LAUGHTER)SO, COMEDIANS, IN THE STYLE OF

CHUCK NORRIS MEMES, I WOULD LIKEYOU TO GIVE ME A SIMILAR

HYPERBOLIC FACT ABOUT MIKEHUCKABEE.

UH, YES, RANDY SKLAR.

>> MIKE HUCKABEE DOESN'T EATLUNCH, HE MOLESTS IT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)POINTS.

SARAH TIANA.

>> MIKE HUCKABEE DOESN'T BELIEVEIN A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE

UNLESS THAT WOMAN IS KIM DAVISAND SHE'S CHOOSING NOT TO DO HER

FUCKING JOB.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)POINTS.

JASON.

>> MIKE HUCKABEE'S SO PRO-LIFEHE'S MADE HIMSELF LOOK PREGNANT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)>> PRAYIN' IT'S A SON.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S ALSO HISEXCUSE FOR NOT SLIMMING DOWN.

I CAN'T KILL THIS LIFE THAT'SGROWING INSIDE ME.

(LAUGHTER)I JUST GOT TO...

>> FULL OF PRAYER!

>> HARDWICK: YES.

I'M PREGNANT FOREVER!

BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA!

>> IT'S A LUNCH, NOT A CHOICE!

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERING)GUYS... THERE'S NO SHORTAGE OF

BULLSHIT HOLIDAYS OUT THERE,LIKE NATIONAL SEWING MACHINE DAY

OR JAZZ APPRECIATION MONTH ORARBOR DAY, BUT...

(LAUGHTER)...NOT THIS ONE-- THIS AIN'T NO

BULLSHIT HOLIDAY, 'CAUSE OCTOBERIS NATIONAL PIZZA MONTH! HOORAY!

(CHEERING)>> YEAH! MMM!

>> HARDWICK: SO IN HONOR OF THEGREATEST THING TO EVER COME OUT

OF... ITALY, I GUESS, UH...

(LAUGHTER)>> I THINK IT'S CHINA.

>> HARDWICK: I THINK IT MIGHT BECHINA, YEAH.

UH, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS:PIZZALEBRITIES. PIZZALEBRITIES.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)THAT'S A PIZZA I COULD FUCK

WHILE I'M EATING IT.

(LAUGHTER)>> UH? (LAUGHING)

>> HARDWICK: WHAT? OH, I'MSORRY, DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?

>> WHILE YOU'RE EATING IT?

>> HARDWICK: COME ON, THOUGHTS,STAY... YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YOU JUST CUT AHOLE RIGHT HERE AND THEN JUST

FOLD IT OVER AND CHEW...

(GROANING, LAUGHTER)I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

>> AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE NEVERALLOWED IN A PAPA JOHN'S EVER

AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: EXAMPLES OF THIS

MIGHT BE: LEONARDO DIGIORNO, ORHAMERON DIAZ OR GREASE

WITHERSPOON. HA-HA-HA.

>> HA-HA-HA.

>> HARDWICK: IN 60 SECONDS,PIZZALEBRITIES, BEGIN.

UH, RANDY.

>> ZOOEY DEEP-DISH-CHANEL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JASON.

>> YOUNG CHEEZY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

SARAH TIANA.

>> THIN DIESEL.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

UH, RANDY.

>> THE SLICE GIRLS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RANDY.

DIGIOR-NOSTRADAMUS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

>> IF HE DOES NOT DELIVERTHE PREDICTION IN 30 MINUTES OR

LESS, YOUR PREDICTION'S FREE.

>> HARDWICK: TOTALLY FREE.

POINTS.

>> OKAY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

J.

>> UH, CARMELO ANCHOVY.

HE'S RUINING NEW YORK.

>> HARDWICK: SARAH.

>> JOE MANGANIELLO'S SAUSAGEWITH EXTRA SAUSAGE.

HE HAS A BIG PENIS.

>> HARDWICK: I MEAN... OKAY...

NOW, I'M SORRY, THAT SOUNDS LESSLIKE A PIZZA AND MORE LIKE YOU

JUST WANT TO GET FUCKED BY JOEMANGANIELLO.

>> AT LEAST I'M NOT HAVING SEXWITH THE PIZZA.

>> HARDWICK: WELL...

(LAUGHTER)YOU CAN'T, 'CAUSE I ALREADY TORE

THAT SHIT UP.

(LAUGHTER)UH, JASON.

>> MARGARITA CHO.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

(LAUGHTER)>> OH, MY GOD!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, KOREANS HAVEPIZZA, TOO.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THEY DO.

ALL RIGHT.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY...

(CHEERING, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

FOR EXAMPLE, THIS ONE,URBAN SHOCKER.

YEAH, THAT WAS A REAL YANKEESPITCHER FROM THE 1920S, AND NOT

A GAY PORN STAR, AS HIS NAMEWOULD OTHERWISE SUGGEST.

>> HE USED TO THROW A WEIRDSPLIT-FINGERED FASTBALL...

>> IT WAS ALL THUMB.

>> IT WAS A LOT OF THUMB, A LOTOF THUMB, YEAH.

>> ALL, LIKE, HE USED TOLITERALLY GO, IT WOULD COME OFF

THE THUMB.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)>> SUCH A WEIRD WAY.

>> HARDWICK: THIS IS STRANGE.

>> HE HAD A LOT OF ARM ACTION.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. YEAH.

HE WAS ALWAYS GREASING WITHVASELINE AND...

>> YEAH. LOT OF... HE WOULD PUTTHE VASELINE IN THE BACK OF HIS

HAT, GO TO THE VASELINE A LOT,AND THEN JUST... RIGHT IN.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> RIGHT TO HOME.

>> HARDWICK: BY THE WAY, THEREARE A TON OF THESE.

THERE ARE A TON OF THESE.

SO, COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO CIRCLE UP AND GRAB YOUR

LEATHER, 'CAUSE I'M GONNA GIVEYOU THE NAME OF A TOTALLY REAL

GUY, AND FOR 250 POINTS YOU TELLME WHETHER HE WAS AN OLD-TIMEY

BASEBALL PLAYER OR A NOMINEEFROM THE EARLY 2000S GRABBY

AWARDS, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THEGAY MALE PORN AWARDS.

(LAUGHTER)FIRST UP...

WAS HE SWINGING A BAT ORSWINGING A DICK? RANDY?

>> WELL...

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

FIRST OF ALL, IT MUST BE SAIDTHAT I AM A JACK GLASSCOCK IS

HALF FULL GUY, NOT A...

(LAUGHTER)UH... I'M AN OPTIMIST.

I WOULD CALL HIM A BASEBALLPLAYER.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

SWINGING A BAT!

JACK... JACK GLASSCOCK.

>> YEAH.

>> WITH THE... WITH THE SWEETPORN 'STACHE, I DO LIKE THAT.

>> YES.

>> OH, IT SAYS HE'S A SHORTSTOPBUT IT LOOKS LIKE HE JUST HAS

"GLASSCOCKSS".

THAT'S SO FUNNY.

>> COCKS.

>> (GIGGLES) THAT'S SO MANY.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S, UH...

JUST A LITTLE BIT OF COME INTHAT MUSTACHE.

UH...

>> (LAUGHS)IT MIGHT JUST BE MOZZARELLA

CHEESE, YOU DON'T KNOW.

>> HARDWICK: YOU DON'T KNOW, YOUDON'T KNOW.

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.

'CAUSE HE... 'CAUSE HE BLEWSUPER MARIO.

HEY, COME ON!

>> HEY!

>> WHAT?

FIRST THE PIZZALEBRITIES ANDNOW THIS.

>> I FELL ON THE GLASSCOCK ANDI BRING IT TO YOU!

>> HARDWICK: GLASSCOCK ISUNBREAKABLE.

ALL RIGHT, UH, COMEDIANS, WHATRECORD DOES THIS GUY HOLD?

>> MOST UNIQUE AMPUTEE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

>> SO THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT HISGLASS COCK.

HE'S MISSING IT.

>> HARDWICK: RANDY?

>> UH, FOULEST BALLS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

>> THEY'RE NOT GOOD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

UH, JASON.

>> UH, MOST BRAVO SHOWS DVR'D.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, YEAH.

I UNDERS... I GET IT.

>> SEEMS LIKE A BIG MILLIONAIREMATCHMAKER FAN, AND I WANT TO

SUPPORT IT.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT UP, DICK POLE.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> HARDWICK: UH, YES, RANDY.

>> THAT IS A BASEBALL PLAYER.

I-I THINK WE ACTUALLY HAVE HISCARD SOMEWHERE.

>> HARDWICK: UH, LET'S FIND OUT.

YUP, DICK POLE IS A BASEBALLPLAYER.

>> WHOA!

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: UH...

>> WOW.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: THIS, UH...

>> I MEAN, FIRST OF ALL...

>> HARDWICK: YOU KNOW, THIS-THISREMINDS ME, I USED TO KEEP A RED

SOCK BY MY BED FOR, UH...

YOU KNOW, FOR...

>> WELL, IT DIDN'T START OUTRED.

>> I WAS GONNA SAY...

>> YOU HAD...

REMEMBER THE PIZZA THING, YOUGUY... YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, I... YEAH, IFUCKED A PIZZA, YEAH.

>> OH, I THOUGHT YOU MEANT...

>> HE HAD JERKED IT SO HARD ITWAS BLOODY, ALL RIGHT.

>> NO, I...

>> OH, SHE WAS DOING A VIRGINITYJOKE, OKAY.

>> YEAH, I WAS THINKING THERE'SNO WAY A GUY NAMED DICK POLE

DIDN'T TAKE TONS OF VIRGINITIES.

>> HARDWICK: HE WOULD HAVE TO.

WELL, THAT'S THE GUY YOU GOT TOGO SEE-- DICK POLE.

>> THAT'S THE GUY, HE SOUNDSLIKE A PRO.

>> THIS IS THE CHARAC... THIS ISTHE CHARACTER MATT DAMON IS

PLAYING IN, UH, WELCOME TO MARSOR WHATEVER THAT'S...

>> HARDWICK: WELCOME TO MARS?

>> WELCOME TO MARS?

>> HARDWICK: HOW-HOW HARD ISTHE MARTIAN TO REMEMBER?

>> YOU MADE THE TITLE LONGER.

>> BY THE WAY...

I THOUGHT IF ICE CUBE WAS INTHAT MOVIE, IT'D BE LIKE, "ARE

WE AT MARS YET?">> HARDWICK: ARE WE AT MARS YET?

YEAH, YEAH.

I MEAN...

THIS MIGHT AS WELL JUST SAY,"DICK POLE-- YEAH, HE'S GONNA

FUCK YOU."

>> IT SHOULD SAY, "DICK POLE-- IALWAYS GET TO SECOND BASE."

>> HARDWICK: YE... OH, TOTALLY!

100 POINTS TO SARAH TIANA.

>> THERE YOU GO.

>> YUP.

>> HARDWICK: UM...

YOU KNOW, JUST FOR FUN, 'CAUSEWE'RE HERE AND WE CAN, LET'S SEE

WHAT DICK POLE WOULD'VE LOOKEDLIKE IF HE ACTUALLY DID PORN.

YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE TO DO THATMUCH.

YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE TO DO THATMUCH.

>> I... I'M HERE TO CLEAN YOURPOOL.

>> OH, HE'S CLEANING A POOL.

>> HE'S-HE'S HOLDING HIS DICKPOLE RIGHT NOW.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE...

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S HOW HEWRANGLES IT.

YEAH.

NEXT ONE, RICK TUGGER.

RICK TUGGER.

>> I THINK HE'S A PORN STAR.

>> HARDWICK: UH, LET'S FIND OUT.

YEAH!

THAT'LL DO IT.

>> WHAT I LOVE IS THAT ONE GUY'SGOT NO PANTS AT ALL AND THE

OTHER GUY'S LIKE, "YOU KNOWWHAT, THREE-QUARTERS."

>> YEAH.

>> I'M NOT-I'M NOT READY TO...

>> HARDWICK: I'M NOT SOLD YET.

>> I'M NOT 100% COMMITTED TOTHIS PORN YET, I WANT TO... I

WANT TO SEE SOME DIALOGUE, IWANT TO SEE SOME DAILIES.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, UH, HEDIRECTED THERE GOES THE

NEIGHBORHOOD IN 2003.

COMEDIANS, WHAT WAS THEBASEBALL-THEMED PORN HE

DIRECTED?

RANDY?

>> FIELD OF CREAMS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT...

>> I GOT IT.

>> ALL: IF YOU BUILD IT, THEYWILL COME.

>> RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, GOOD,YEAH.

>> THERE WAS... THERE WAS THATSCENE AT THE END WHEN HE COMES

OUT ON THE FIELD WITH HIS FATHERAND THEY'RE JUST SOFT-TOSSING

BACK AND FORTH.

>> AND THEN THE LITTLE GIRLSTARTS CHOKING.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> I CRIED.

>> HARDWICK: 100 POINTS TO SARAHFOR THAT, UH, GOOD.

100 POINTS TO JASON FOR-FORBEING A PART OF THAT, UH,

MAJESTY DOG PILE.

NEXT ONE...

THIS IS-THIS IS A REAL TOUGHONE, GUYS-- JOHNNY DICKSHOT.

JOHNNY DICKSHOT.

JASON.

>> UH, THAT'S A PORN STAR.

>> HARDWICK: UH, LET'S FIND OUT.

NOPE, THAT'S A BASEBALL PLAYER!

>> TWO IDIOTS!

>> HARDWICK: JOHNNY DICKSHOT.

>> IT'S OBVIOUS.

>> I KNOW, I'M LOSING.

>> HARDWICK: COMEDIANS, WHATTEAM DO YOU THINK THIS GUY

PLAYED FOR?

>> UH, NEW YORK MET IN ABATHROOM STALL.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

OKAY, UH, RANDY.

>> UH, THE HOUSTON ASSBROS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POI...

POINTS.

YEAH, JASON.

>> THE SEVENTH-INNING FELCHERS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

>> THAT'S ONLY A SEVENTH INNINGTHING?

>> THAT WAS-THAT WAS... YEAH.

NO, THAT-THAT'S A MINOR LEAGUETEAM, BUT YEAH.

TRIPLE-A, BUT THEY'RE STILL...

>> I MEAN, THIS GUY GETS SO MUCHACTION HIS HAT DOESN'T EVEN STAY

ON TIGHT.

LET'S GET OUT OF THE DUGOUT.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: ALSO, UH, IN 1937THIS IS WHAT 14-YEAR-OLDS LOOKED

LIKE.

>> THAT...

>> WELL, HE WAS GONNA DIE IN SIXYEARS, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S LIFE EXPECTANCY.

>> WASN'T IT GREAT?

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, UH,LASTLY, BUTTS WAGNER.

BUTTS WAGNER.

RANDY.

>> THAT IS A PORN STAR.

>> HARDWICK: UH, NOPE, IT'S ABASEBALL PLAYER.

>> OH!

THESE GUYS ARE ALL CATCHERS,RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: AH!

100 POINTS TO SARAH TIANA.

AND THAT IS BUTTS WAGNER, UH,HONUS WAGNER'S OLDER BROTHER,

SEEN HERE DOING HIS PHOTO SHOOTFOR SERIAL KILLERS QUARTERLY.

WATCH HIM PEERING INTO YOUR SOULWITH HIS COLD, COLD EYES.

BUT I WONDER WHAT OL' BUTTSWOULD LOOK LIKE IF HE DID GAY

PORN.

YUP, JUST LIKE THAT.

>> ANYONE FOR A MUSTACHE RIDE--I GET IT, I GET IT.

>> MUSTACHE RIDE.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S-IT'S...

>> THAT'S SO GROSS.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S... I-I MEAN,ACTUALLY, THIS IS A LOGISTICAL

NIGHTMARE, UH...

YOU'RE JUST CONSTANTLY...

>> I CAN'T...

I AM GOING TO SEE THAT BEFORE IDIE.

THAT'S LITERALLY THE LAST IMAGETHAT I'M GOING TO SEE.

>> IT MAKES ME MISS MAGNUM, P.I.

HONESTLY, I'M BEING STRAIGHT UPABOUT THIS.

I MEAN, WHERE DID THAT SHOW GO?

THAT WAS UNBELIEVABLE IN VOICEOVER.

>> HARDWICK: HAS THIS EVERHAPPENED TO YOU?

NOW THERE'S THE POOP COMB.

COMB... COMB THAT POOP RIGHT OUTIN TWO EASY STEPS.

JUST O-OLD TIMEY INFOMERCIALS.

>> OLD TIMEY INFOMERCIALS.

I'M MATT MATHINSON.

YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR HAIR MATTEDBACK THERE.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOUAN ADULTS-ONLY HARRY POTTER

PARTY, COMPLETE WITH ALCOHOLICBUTTERBEER, AND I ASKED YOU TO

TELL ME SOMETHING YOU MIGHTOVERHEAR AT THIS BOOZY

NERD-FEST.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GUYS CAME UPWITH.

RANDAL SKLAR.

>> UH, LET'S POUR ONE OUT FOR MYDEAD HOMIE DUMBLEDORE.

SEE YOU AT THE CROSSROADS,ALBUS.

>> HARDWICK: NICE.

SARAH, WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU HEARAT THE, UH, HARRY POTTER BEER

PARTY?

>> HEY, UH, WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?

MINE'S HANDICAPPED PARKING.

>> HARDWICK: OH, NO.

JASON SKLAR.

>> GUYS, I'M WASTED.

CAN SOMEBODY BROOM ME HOME?

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY THE LATEDAVID LETTERMAN SHOW!

NOW, UH, STEPHEN COLBERT'S TAKENOVER THE LATE SHOW.

HE'S DOING A FANTASTIC JOB.

HE'S BRILLIANT.

AND A LOT OF YOU ARE PROBABLYWONDERING, "WELL, WHAT'S DAVID

LETTERMAN UP TO SINCE THE SHOWWENT OFF THE AIR WAY BACK IN

MAY?"WELL, ACCORDING TO E! ONLINE, HE

HAS BEEN ASLEEP FOR 100 YEARS INA SILVER MINE AFTER SANTA CLAUS

FELL OFF HIS ROOF.

HOLY... SHIT.

WHAT IS THAT?

I DON'T THINK ANY OF US COULDHAVE PREDICTED HE'D BE SELLING

FROZEN FISH STICKS OUT OF THEHOLD OF A RUSTY SCHOONER IN

GLOUCESTER BAY.

NOT ONE OF US.

DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.

GUYS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO GIVEME AS MANY TOP TEN LISTS OF THIS

NEW, SCRAGGLIER, 19TH CENTURYPROSPECTOR DAVID LETTERMAN.

UH, I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK.

AND BEGIN.

(BELL DINGS)YES, SARAH.

>> UH, TOP TEN CONSPIRACIES I'MJOURNALING ABOUT IN MY PANIC

ROOM.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JASON.

>> UH, TOP TEN THINGS FOUND INMY BEARD.

NUMBER NINE, ANDY KAUFMAN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)RANDY.

>> TOP TEN REASONS I LOOK LIKEBUT DON'T SMELL LIKE KELSEY

GRAMMER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)RANDY AGAIN.

>> TOP TEN DECLARATIONS OFINDEPENDENCE THAT I'VE SIGNED

RECENTLY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)SARAH TIANA.

>> TOP TEN FARMERS' MARKETS I'MGOING TO DRIVE THROUGH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. OH, SHIT!

(BELL DINGS)OH, MAN. YEAH.

I GOT TO GIVE HER POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JAY.

>> TOP TEN ERNEST HEMINGWAYS ILOOK LIKE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)UH, RANDY.

>> TOP TEN MALLS I'LL WORK ATTHIS CHRISTMAS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. PERFECT.