May 5, 2015 - Cinco de Mayo & Muhammad Art Show Shooting

  • 05/05/2015

Shenaz Treasury, Dean Obeidallah and Lavell Crawford sit down with Larry to discuss gun violence at an anti-Islam art show and the popularity of dad bods.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Larry: THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

>> Audience: LARRY!

LARRY!

LARRY!

>> Larry: THANK YOU.

WELCOME TO "THE NIGHTLY SHOW."

WE HAVE A GREAT PROGRAM.

DEAN OBEIDALLAH AND LAVELLCRAWFORD JOINING US ON THE PANEL

TONIGHT.

VERY FUNNY GUYS.

BEFORE WE GET TO OUR TOP STORY,CINCO DE MAYO, RIGHT?

I WANT TO GIVE A QUICK SHOUT-OUTTO MY LATINO VIEWERS.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )NO SPANGLISH.

NO SPANGLISH.

PEOPLE WATCHING ARE LIKE HE'SCOMPLETELY ( BLEEP ).

ANYHOW, LET'S SEE HOW PEOPLE ARECELEBRATING THIS SIGHTING ETHNIC

FESTIVAL.

>> GRAB SOME GUAC OR ACERVAZA AND SLIP ON A SOMBRERO.

IT'S TIME TO CELEBRATE CINCO DEMAYO.

>> CINCO DE MAYO!

>> CINCO DE MAYO!

>> CINCO DE MAYO!

>> THIS IS JETBLUE'S PROMOTIONCELEBRATING CINCO DE FLYO.

>> THIS IS WHY WE CALL IT CINCODE DRINKO.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Larry: PEOPLE, JUST BECAUSESOMETHING RHYMES DOESN'T MEAN

THAT IT'S CLEVER.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T GO AROUNDSAYING NUT BUTT AND EXPECTING

PEOPLE TO LAUGH.

( LAUGHTER )ACTUALLY, THAT'S A BAD EXAMPLE.

NUT BUTT IS HILARIOUS.

BUT THIS IS THE DAY TOCELEBRATE.

OH, OKAY BUT NOT ALL THE NEWS ISGOOD FOR THE LATINO COMMUNITY.

I READ THIS THING AND I COULDN'TBELIEVE IT, YOU GUYS.

DID YOU KNOW A RECENTLY AFL-CIOREPORT SHOWS U.S. LATINO WORKERS

ARE 18% MORE LIKELY TO BE KILLEDON THE JOB THAN WORKERS OF ANY

OTHER RACIAL ETHNIC GROUP-- 18%,YOU GUYS.

THAT IS MESSED UP

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THATIS ABOUT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY FIGURE OUTA NUMBER LIKE THAT.

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THEEMPLOYERS BECAUSE THESE ARE THE

PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT.

HOW DO THESE EMPLOYERS PUT THEIREMPLOYEES INTO SUCH UNSAFE

CONDITIONS.

IT'S ABSOLUTELY APPAL-- WHAT'STHAT NOISE?

WHAT'S GOING ON.

THE LIGHTS ARE SPARKING.

SORRY.

, THAT EVERYONE.

HEY, RICKY.

RICKY VELEZ, CAN YOU COME OUTHERE?

>> WHAT'S UP, LARRY.

>> Larry: RICKY VELEZ,EVERYONE.

( APPLAUSE )CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND CHECK

OUT THOSE WIRES ON THE SHELF.

>> I'M ON.

>> Larry: THERE'S A LITTLEARCING AND IT DOESN'T SEEM SAFE.

AS I WAS SAYING WE HAVE TO PASSREGULATIONS IN INDUSTRY LIKE

CONSTRUCTION-->> ARRGGHH!

, I FIXED IT.

>> Larry: OH, THANKS, RICKY.

APPRECIATE IT.

>> HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO, BOSS.

>> Larry: YOU, TOO, MAN HAVE,A HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO.

RICKY VELEZ, EVERYBODY.

HE'S SO NICE.

( APPLAUSE )HE'S JUST SO HELPFUL.

ALL RIGHT, ANYWAY, MOVING ON TOOUR TOP STORY.

A LITTLE NASTINESS WENT DOWN INTEXAS THE OTHER DAY.

>> POLICE SAY TWO GUNMEN WERESHOT DEAD AFTER THEY OPENED FIRE

OUTSIDE A COMMUNITY CENTER NEARDALLAS LAST NIGHT.

>> Larry: WHOA, COMMUNITYCENTER.

WHAT WAS GOING ON THERE?

>> THE THE CENTER OF HOSTING ANART SHOW FEATURING CARTOONS

DEPICTING THE PROPHET MUHAMMAD.

>> Larry: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,NO.

( LAUGHTER )NO.

NO.

THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. SHOWINGIMAGES OF

THE PROPHET MUHAMMAD ISCONSIDERED BLASPHEMOUS BY THE

ISLAMIC FAITH.

IT'S THE TYPE OF THING THAT LEDTO JANUARY'S VIOLENT "CHARLIE

HEBDO" ATTACK.

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

DID-- DID ANYONE ELSE GET HURT?

>> ALL THE CHAOS ERUPTED LASTNIGHT WHEN THE SUSPECTS AMBUSHED

SECURITY OFFICER BRUCE JOYNERWHO WAS UNARMED.

HE WAS OUTSIDE THE EVENT.

HE GOT SHOT IN THE ANKLE.

>> Larry: SHOT IN THE ANKLE,ALL RIGHT, SOUNDS LIKE HE WILL--

WAIT HE SAY THE SECURITY GUARDOF UNARMED?

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THE ONLYPEOPLE IN TEXAS WHO DON'T CARRY

GUNS ARE SECURITY GUARDS?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

IT'S TEXAS!

AND, OF COURSE, FOX NEWS TOOKTHIS OPPORTUNITY TO PUT WORDS IN

EVERYBODY'S MOUTH.

>> THANK GOODNESS FOR THEGARLAND POLICE.

PEOPLE SAY THAT WE DON'TNEED POLICE IN AMERICA.

EXCUSE ME.

THAT'S INSANITY.

>> Larry: WHO SAID THAT?

NO!

( LAUGHTER )NO ONE SAID WE DON'T NEED THE

POLICE.

WE SAID WE DON'T NEED THE POLICETO SHOOT UNARMED BLACK MEN.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE ).

( CHEERS )FINISH THE SENTENCE.

FINISH SENTENCE.

THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING.

ALL RIGHT, ANYHOW.

THE LADY BEHIND THIS IS PAMELAGELLER.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS,SHE WROTE THE BOOK ON ISLAMIC

HATE.

NO, REALLY, SHE WROTE A BOOK ONISLAMIC HATE.

IT'S CALLED "STOP THEISLAMIZATION OF AMERICA."

YEAH, STOP IT, ISLAMIZIZERS.

ALL YOUR ISLAMIZING THIS, ANDISLAMIZING THAT.

I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREETTHE OTHER DAY AND PEOPLE WERE

JUST ISLAMIZIZING SOME RANDOM( BLEEP ) KNOW WHAT I SAID?

I SAID, "HEY, MAN, STOP IT!

YOU CAN'T BE ISLAMIZING LIKETHAT."

AND BY THE WAY, WHEN I SAYISLAMIZING, I'M NOT TALKING

ABOUT THE ISLAMIC EXERCISE CRAZEOF THE LATE 80s.

YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT?

YOU HAD TO, LIKE, WORK OUT FIVETIMES A DAY.

THAT WAS HORRIBLE.

HORRIBLE!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )MAN.

ALL MY SQUATS I HAD TO BE FACINGEAST.

( LAUGHTER )I WAS HAPPY WHEN THAT ENDED.

SO THAT'S WHO SHE IS, OKAY.

LET ME TELL YOU WHEN IT COMES TOSPOUTING CRAY-CRAY, PAMELA

GELLER TAKES THE CAY-CAY.

>> THIS IS REALLY, I THINK,THE-- THE BATTLE BETWEEN FREEDOM

AND SLAVERY.

>> Larry: MMMM, WE ALREADY HADTHAT BATTLE.

( LAUGHTER )IT WAS CALLED THE CIVIL WAR.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?

>> WHO WOULD DECIDE WHAT'S GOODAND WHAT'S FORBIDDEN, THESE

ARBITRARY VOICE.

CONTROVERSIAL AND CONTROVERSIALAND CONTROVERSIAL AND

CONTROVERSIAL.

SHOOTING PEOPLE.

FOR FREE SPEECH ISCONTROVERSIAL.

WELL, NO-->> NO, SHOOTING PEOPLE IS

HORRIFIC.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Larry: YOU JUST GOTTAPPER'D.

NICE MOVE, JAKE.

YOU KNOW ANOTHER THING THAT'SHORRIFIC PAMELA GELLER?

INTENTIONALLY PUTTING INNOCENTUNARMED SECURITY GUARD IN DANGER

SO YOU CAN MAKE SOME ( BLEEP ) SPEECH ARGUMENT.

WHATEVER.

I JUST DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.

NEW YORK CONGRESSMAN PETER KING,PER USUAL, WAS NOT HELPING THE

SITUATION.

>> I'M NOT AWARE OF THEPARTICULARS OF THIS CASE

OTHER THAN WHAT HAS BEENMADE KNOWN TO NOW BUT I DO

BELIEVE IN HAVING MORESURVEILLANCE OF THE PEOPLE IN

THE MUSLIM COMMUNITY BECAUSETHAT'S WHERE THE THREAT COMES

FROM.

>> Larry: NO!

WE SHOULD NOT HAVE MORESURVEILLANCE OF THE MUSLIM

COMMUNITY.

BY THE WAY, I HAVE TO GIVE YOUCREDIT FOR BEING SO BOLD IN YOUR

ASSHOLIER-THAN-THOU-NESS.

YOU'RE NOT AWARE OF THEPARTICULARRERS OF THIS CASE BUT

YOU CALL FOR MORE SURVEILLANCEOF MUSLIMS?

OH, MY GOD.

I DON'T KNOW THE PARTICULARSABOUT HOW YOUR BRAIN WORKS BUT

I'M OFFICIALLY CALLING FOR MORESURVEILLANCE OF EVERY LAW YOU

( BLEEP ) PROPOSED.

LOOK, MAKE NO MISTAKE. IT ISABSOLUTELY

UNEQUIVOCALLY WRONG TO SHOOTPEOPLE WHO DO THINGS THAT OFFEND

YOU.

BUT TWO THINGS CAN BE WRONG ATTHE EXACT SAME TIME.

EVEN IF PAMELA GELLER'S ARGUMENTABOUT FREE SPEECH IS VALID, SHE

CAN STILL BE A DICK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Larry: WELCOME BACK. AFTERTHOSE COPS IN BALTIMORE

WERE CHARGED ON FRIDAY, I GOTTASAY

I'VE BEEN FEELING PRETTY GOOD.

EVERYTHING SOLVED, RIGHT, WE DIDIT, RIGHT?

( APPLAUSE )THESE BLACK LIVES WE'VE BEEN

THINKING OF THEY'RE NOW DOINGTHE MATTERING?

( LAUGHTER )NOT QUITE.

>> THE FAMILY OF A BOY KILLED BYPOLICE IN CLEVELAND FIVE MONTHS

AGO IS DEMANDING ANSWERS.

TAMIR RICE WAS SHOT AND KILLEDLAST NOVEMBER WHILE CARRYING A

TOY GUN.

>> Larry: OKAY, THIS STORY HASNOT GONE AWAY.

TAMIR RICE-- YOU MAY HAVE HEARDOF THIS, A FEW MONTHS AGO WAS

KILLED WHILE HE WAS PLAYING IN APARK, AND IT WAS ALL CAPTURED ON

VIDEO, BUT IT'S BEEN FIVEMONTHS, AND HIS FAMILY ISN'T ANY

CLOSER TO GETTING JUSTICE.

>> NO ONE HAS BEEN CHARGED!

NO ONE HAS BEEN HELDACCOUNTABLE!

>> TAMIR'S MOTHER HASN'T BEENABLE TO BURY HER SON AND HAS

REPORTEDLY MOVED INTO A HOMELESSSHELTER.

>> Larry: I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT TO SAY.

I'M FURIOUS RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, THEY WON'T EVEN LET HERBURY THE POOR CHILD.

I MEAN, IF ONLY THERE WAS A WAYTO MAKE OUR ANGER KNOWN AND-- I

DON'T KNOW, FORCE CLEVELANDAUTHORITIES INTO ACTION.

JUST-- HMMM.

THINK, WHAT COULD WE-- WHY DIDTHINGS MOVE SO FAST IN

BALTIMORE?

>> NO JUSTICE!

>> NO PEACE!

>> NO JUSTICE!

>> NO PEACE!

>> NO JUSTICE!

>> NO PEACE!

>> NO JUSTICE!

>> NO PEACE!

>> Larry: OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

( LAUGHTER )I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE WE NEED TO--

OKAY, WAIT BEFORE I GO ANYFURTHER WITH THIS, THE THRUST OF

WHICH IS JUST MAYBE CLEVELANDNEEDS CONTINUOUS BALTIMORE-STYLE

PROTEST HAVE TO DO A LITTLE ASSCOVERING.

SO LET'S POP THIS UP.

OKAY?

( LAUGHTER )JUST COVERING MY ASS.

COVERING MY ASS.

AND LEASE-- YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S HAVE SOMEONE FROM COMEDYCENTRAL LEGAL COME OUT AND STAND

OVER MY SHOULDER, IF YOU COULD,COMEDY CENTRAL THERE.

THANK YOU.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

YOU KNOW WHAT WE OUGHT TO DO?

THIS IS KIND OF DANGEROUS, SO WESHOULD FLASH THE TERMS AND

CONDITIONS OF THIS BIT BEFORE WESTART.

GOOD.

GOOD.

IT'S TRUE.

IT'S TRUE.

I REALLY-- THAT LAST ONE IREALLY BELIEVE THAT LAST

PARAGRAPH.

OK GREAT.

RESUME COMEDY BIT.

NOW, LOOK, I DON'T KNOW ABOUTYOU GUYS, BUT I GOT SOME MESSAGE

FROM BALTIMORE LOUD AND CLEAR. ONLY WAY WE HAVE A CHANCE OF

GETTING COPS CHARGED IN TAMIRRICE'S BORDER IS A CLONE ARMY OF

MARILYN MOSBYS ALL OVER THECOUNTRY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )I'M JUST SAYING, THIS FAMILY

NEEDS JUSTICE, AND THEAUTHORITIES WILL DO EVERYTHING

THEY CAN TO COVER UP THEIR OWNLIKE-- I'M SURE THE AUTHORITIES

ARE DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN TOBRING ABOUT A RESOLUTION.

( LAUGHTER )BUT IT MIGHT BE TIME TO REMIND

THEM THAT THEY'VE HAD PLENTY OFTIME TO BRING CHARGES, OKAY.

THE THING WE HAVE TO KEEPHAMMERING HOME, YOU GUYS, IS NO

JUSTICE, NO PEACE.

I'M NOT NECESSARILY SAYING--LOOK, LET ME PUT IT LIKE THIS.

IF WE WANT TO GET JUSTICE HERE,WE HAVE TO GET LOUD-- WHAT,

WHAT, WHAT?

, OF COURSE.

JUSTICE AND PEACE, OF COURSE,THEY'RE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE.

( LAUGHTER )THE ONLY WAY ANYONE LISTENS IS

IF THE FIGHT SPILLS OUT INTO THESTREETS Y'ALL, YOU BE WHAT I'M.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )WHAT?

OR, OR, OR IF YOU'D RATHER, FEELFREE TO PROTEST INSIDE YOUR

HOME.

( LAUGHTER )START A HASHTAG?

SEND A STRONGLY WORDED E-MAIL TOYOUR LOCAL REPRESENTATIVE.

VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER.

OKAY.

( LAUGHTER )BUT PEOPLE NEED TO GET THER

VOICES HEARD SOMEHOW.

AND, LOOK, MAYBE SOMETIMES THATTAKES THE FORM OF ANGER.

AND YOU KNOW, WHEN THAT ANGER--WHAT!

OKAY, HOW'S THIS?

THAT FAMILY NEEDS JUSTICE AND WECANNOT LET THAT STORY FADE AWAY.

IS THAT OKAY?

IS THAT OKAY?

ALL RIGHT LET ME PUT IT LIKETHIS.

MARILYN MOSBY MAY HAVE BROUGHTCHARGES AGAINST THOSE COPS IN

BALTIMORE.

SOME SAY SHE MAY HAVE ACTED TOOSWIFTLY.

THE DETAILS ARE STILL COMING OUTAS OF THIS MOMENT BUT IT

DIDN'T SEEM LIKE ANYTHINGHAPPENED UNTIL PEOPLE GOT OUT ON

THE STREETS.

IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS WAY BUTIT'S NOT SURPRISING.

THE MESSAGE WE'RE STILL GETTINGIS NOBODY PAYS ATTENTION UNTIL

YOU GET A LITTLE ANGRY.

WELL, I'M ANGRY AS HELL ABOUTWHAT HAPPENED TO TAMIR RICE.

AND I HOPE YOU'RE PAYINGATTENTION.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Larry: WELCOME BACK.

I'M HERE WITH MY PANEL.

OUR OWN "THE NIGHTLY SHOW"CONTRIBUTOR, SHEMAZ TREASURY.

COMEDIAN AND HOST OF THE "THEDEAN OBEIDALLAH SHOW" ON SIRIUS

XM, DEAN OBEIDALLAH.

AND JOINING US ONCE BEGAN, THEVERY FUNNY, "BREAKING BAD "MAN,

COMEDIAN LAVELL CRAWFORD.

SO I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THISSHOOTING IN GARLAND, TEXAS, THAT

HAPPENED-- NO, DEAN, YOU'RE AMUSLIM, RIGHT?

>> YES.

>> YEAH!

>> Larry: A SHOUT-OUT, VERYGOOD VERY GOOD.

BASED ON WHAT HAPPENED IN TEXAS,I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A PICTURE

OF MUHAMMAD, OKAY?

>> HOLD ME BACK.

>> Larry: AND I JUST WANT TOKNOW IF THIS IS OFFENSIVE TO

YOU, OKAY.

>> SURE.

>> Larry: ALL RIGHT, THERE YOUGO.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

MUHAMMAD ALI.

IT'S NOT THAT BAD, EVERYBODY.

IS IT-- OH, THIS ISN'T-- IS IT.

I FIND ALL HIS PICTURESOFFENSIVE, BY THE WAY.

>> THAT'S GREAT ARTWORK.

AND LET'S BE HONEST, HONESTLY--IT'S FREE SPEECH.

ON SOME LEVEL WHAT PAMELA GELLERIS ABOUT IS HATE SPEECH.

OVERWHELMINGLY, THEAMERICAN MUSLIM COMMUNITY

DID NOT CARE. THEY IGNORED THEEVENT.

IF YOU WANT TO PISS US OFF,DON'T LET US HAGGLE AT THE

STORES OVER PRICES. MY COUSINWANTED TO BUY SOMETHING

IT WAS 20 BUCKS, SHE SAID, I'LLGIVE YOU $15.

SHE SAID, THIS IS MACY'S SIR.

THE CARTOON PISSES OFF A FEWFRINGE PEOPLE, BUT OVERALL,

ESPECIALLY AMERICAN MUSLIMS WEHAVE MORE THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT

THAN CARTOONS BY PAMELA GELLER

>> Larry: ONE THING I WASN'TCOOL WITH.

WE TALKED ABOUT THE SECURITYGUARD.

HE WASN'T A PERSON PARTICIPATINGBUT HE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> Larry: DO YOU THINK THERESHOULD BE CHARGES AGAINST

HER FOR INTENTIONALLY DOING THATSORT OF THINGS.

>> I THINK SHE SHOULD BEPUNISHED.

AND I THINK YOU SHOULD TATTOO APAINTING OF MUHAMMAD ON HER

BACK, AND SEND HER TOAFGHANISTAN.

JUST BANISH HER TO AFGHANISTAN.

>> Larry: TELL US HOW YOUREALLY FEEL.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A JOKE IN YOURACT WHICH CAUSED VIOLENT

BEHAVIOR FROM PEOPLE?

>> YES, YES, I SAID SOMETHINGABOUT A GUY'S WIFE, AND HE THREW

A SLICE OF LEMON AT ME.

>> Larry: SERIOUSLY, A SLICEOF LEMON.

>> YES, HE THREW THE LEMON ANDSOME BROTHERS, SAID YO DOG!

HE THREW A LEMON AT YOU! AND ISAID HELL NO!

THE SECURITY BEAT THE HELL OUTOF HIM AND THREW HIM OUT.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Larry: THIS IS CRAZY.

THAT HAPPENED IN D.C. THE OTHERDAY THAT SOME OF YOU MIGHT HAVE

MISSED.

CAN WE SHOW THIS?

>> INSIDE A POPULAR TOURISTSPOT, THAT'S A LOADED GUN THERE,

A GLORK LEFT BEHIND IN ABATHROOM BY A SECURITY GUARD.

>> Larry: A SECURITY GUARDLEAVING HIS GUN IN THE BATHROOM.

I MEAN, THIS IS INSANE.

FIRST OF ALL, I KIND OFUNDERSTAND THE SECURITY GUARD.

HOW YOU GONNA-- HOW YOU GONNA DOYOUR BUSINESS, HOLD YOUR GUN

AND SNAP CHAT AT THE SAME TIME.

>> LARRY, I THINK THAT'S WHYWOMEN ARE ON TOP OF THE

EVOLUTION CHAIN.

WE CAN TEXT WHILE WE PEE.

APPLY MAKEUP WHILE WE PEE?

RIGHT, GIRLS?

RIGHT?

WE CAN MULTITASK.

AND THE WOMEN IN TEXAS CAN HOLDTWO GUNS WHILE THEY PEE.

>> Larry: OK, THERE ARE THREETHINGS IN A BATHROOM, A WALLET

WITH $100,000, A LOADED HAND GUNAND A BABY.

YOU CAN ONLY TAKE ONE.

>> I'LL TAKE ALL THREE.

WITH MONEY, A GUN AND A BABY,NOBODY IS STOPPING ME.

SHARIA LAW'S COMING! I HOPE YOULIKE

TURKEY BACON, AMERICA, THAT'SALL YOU'RE GOING TO BE EATING

AFTER THAT.

>> Larry: WHICH ONE?

>> FIRST OF ALL I WANT TO KNOWWHY THE BABY IS IN THE BATH

ROOM?

IS IT POSSESSED OR HAVE SOMEKIND OF REAL BAD DIAPER RASH?

IF IT'S A BLACK BABY IT'S GOODON THE MARKET BECAUSE I CAN SELL

IT TO ANGELINA JOLIE OR BRADPITT.

>> I'M TAKING THE WHITEST BABY,SORRY. YOU CAN GET A LOT

FROM THE WHITEST BABY.

>> WHITE BABIES AIN'T ON THEMARKET LIKE YOU THINK NO MORE.

>> WHAT ABOUT

A HALF AND HALF?

HALF BLACK, HALF WHITE?

>> Larry: WAIT A MINUTE, YOUHAVE SOME WHITE BABIES RIGHT NOW

YOU CAN'T GET RID OF?

WE'RE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

YOU CAN'T SHHH!

>> IT'S ON CRAIGSLIST.

IT'S ALL GOOD.>> YOU'VE GOTTA USE EBAY!

THERE'S THIS WHOLE THING CALLED"DAD BODS."

HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD OF IT.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> Larry: LEO DICAPRIO WASPHOTOGRAPHED RECENTLY WITHOUT

HIS SHIRT ON.

HERE'S WHERE IT GETSINTERESTING.

THE INTERNET, LIKE, BLEW UPABOUT THIS.

SO THIS TERM DAD BOD WAS MADE.

THEY'RE LIKE, HEY, YEAH, HE'SGOT THE BODY OF A DAD.

LEO'S STILL ON HIS YACHT,HANGING OUT WITH HONIES,

EVERYTHING IS COOL.

BUT THEN KELLY CLARKSON GOES ON"AMERICAN IDOL" AND SHE JUST HAD

A BABY AND HAS A MOM BODY, ANDEVERYONE IS HATING ON HER.

>>I DON'T KNOW.

I WOULD TAKE THAT BABY.

KELLY CLARKSON'S BABY, I'LL TAKETHAT BABY.

THAT'S THE BABY I WANT.

THAT'S THE BABY I WANT!

>> Larry: IT HAS NOTHING TO DOWITH MOM BOD.

WE'RE NOT SELLING KELLYCLARKSON'S BABY. WE'RE NOT DOING

THAT. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT DADBODS.

>> OKAY, I'M NOT BUYING THAT.

SORRY, DADS.

NICE TRY.

>> IT'S GOT TO BE SOME50-YEAR-OLD DAD, BECAUSE THE

IDEA OF-- I THINK LEO DICAPRIOCOULD BE ANYBODY.

HE COULD CROSS HIS BODY WITHKEVIN JAMES AND ROSIE O'DONNELL,

IT DOES NOT MATTER. HE'S STILLLEO DICAPRIO.

BUT IT IS A DOUBLE STANDARD.WOMEN ARE WORSE TO EACH OTHER

REMEMBER FIT MOM LAST YEAR, GOTATTACKED FOR BEING TOO FIT.

>> Larry: WOMAN ARE WORSE?

>> WOMAN ARE WORSE TO EACH OTHER

>> YOU ARE NOT THE ONE TO TALKABOUT DAD BODS.

I CAN TALK ABOUT DAD BODS.

FIRST OF ALL, I AM SO EXCITEDTHAT FINALLY WE BACK IN STYLE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )YEAH, DAD BODS.

I'M GOING TO CALL 24-HOURFITNESS AND TELL THEM TO CANCEL

MY MEMBERSHIP.

I'M HOT AGAIN, BABY.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> Larry: ALL RIGHT, MAYBE WECAN GET OVER ALL THIS, ALL THE

PROFILING, LEAVING GUNS, DADBODS AND MOM BODS.

IT'S ALL GOOD.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )