Joe Rogan: Live from the Tabernacle

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 02/28/2014

Joe Rogan ponders circumcising his hypothetical son, coming to terms with baldness and the agony of having awful songs stuck in his head.

- I THINK THAT PEOPLE ARERESPONSIBLE FOR THE BIG BANG,

AND IT'S THE STUPIDEST IDEAI'VE EVER COME UP WITH.

AND IT'S NOT EVEN REALLYMY IDEA,

BECAUSE I WAS HIGHON A POT BROWNIE

IN AN ISOLATION TANKWHEN I CAME UP WITH IT.

BUT THE--THE IDEA IS,

WE'RE FASCINATED BY TECHNOLOGY.

THE BIGGEST EXPERIMENT RIGHT NOWIS THE LARGE HADRON COLLIDER.

YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

IT'S THE BIGGEST EXPERIMENTIN HUMAN HISTORY.

IT'S 10,000 DIFFERENT SCIENTISTS

FROM 100 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES,

AND THEY MADE THIS 22-MILE LONGSOMETHING FUCKING MACHINE.

IT'S SPINNING THESE ATOMS AROUNDA HAIR UNDER THE SPEED OF LIGHT,

AND THEY'RE GONNA SLAM THEMINTO EACH OTHER

AND MAKE LITTLE BLACK HOLES.

WELL, WHAT'S CRAZY ABOUT THAT

IS THOSE PARTICLE PHYSICISTDUDES THAT NOBODY UNDERSTANDS,

ONE OF THEIR THEORIES IS THATINSIDE EVERY BLACK HOLE

MAY BE A WHOLE 'NOTHER UNIVERSE

AND THAT WHAT THE WHOLE UNIVERSEMIGHT BE IS GALAXIES,

INSIDE EVERY GALAXYIS A BLACK HOLE

INSIDE THAT BLACK HOLE,HUNDREDS OF BILLIONS OF GALAXIES

EACH WITH BLACK HOLESIN THE CENTER,

EACH WITH HUNDREDS OF BILLIONSOF GALAXIES,

AND IT'S FRACTAL

AND IT WILL GO ON FOREVER!

AND THEY'RE JUST MAKINGTHIS SHIT IN SWITZERLAND.

THERE'S A BUNCH OF FUCKING DUDES

AND EVERYBODY'S LIKE, "WELL,WE GOT TO STOP GAY MARRIAGE.

"I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.

"AIN'T NO GAY GUYS GONNALIVE NEXT DOOR TO ME

AND TREAT ME LIKE AN EQUALWITH HIS LITTLE WIFE."

WE ARE GONNA MAKETHE FUCKING BIG BANG,

AND I KNOW IT SOUNDS RIDICULOUS

AND ESPECIALLY COMING FROMTHE FEAR FACTOR GUY.

IT LOSES ALL CREDIBILITY.

BUT IF YOU STOPAND THINK ABOUT IT, MAN,

THEY DON'T KNOWHOW THE UNIVERSE STARTED,

BUT THE BIG THEORYIS THE BIG BANG

AND THAT THEORY STATES THAT14 BILLION YEARS AGO

THE WHOLE UNIVERSE WAS SMALLERTHAN THE HEAD OF A PIN,

BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED,AND IT EXPLODED

AND CREATED EVERYTHING WE SEEIN THE SKY TODAY.

I THINK 14 BILLION YEARS AGO

THERE WERE SOME SCIENTISTS,

AND THEY WERE PROBABLY AUTISTIC,

AND THEY WERE ONANTI-ANXIETY MEDICATION,

AND THEY WERE DRINKING RED BULL,

AND NO ONE TOUCHED THEM,

AND THEY WOULD MASTURBATE,AND THEY NEVER CRIED,

AND THEY MADEA BIG BANG MACHINE,

AND THEY SAT AROUNDAND LOOKED AT IT,

ONE GUY WENT,"I'LL FUCKING PRESS IT."

THEN HE HIT THAT THING,AND THE WHOLE SKY WENT...

[popping noises]

AND IT'S A RESET BUTTONFOR THE UNIVERSE.

AND EVERY 14 BILLION YEARS,WE HIT IT ONE SECOND QUICKER.

[pops]

AND THAT'S INFINITY.

MAYBE,OR MAYBE I WAS HIGH AS FUCK,

AND I'M JUST MAKING SHIT UP.

OKAY?

[crowd cheering]

I FOUND MYSELF SINGING"HEY THERE DELILAH"

ONCE IN AN ELEVATOR,

AND I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZEI WAS SINGING IT

UNTIL I NOTICEDTHAT MY LEGS

WERE RUBBING TOGETHERLIKE A CRICKET.

I WAS ALONE.I WAS VULNERABLE.

I WAS LIKE,♪ OH

♪ WHAT YOU DO TO ME

HUH!WHAT'S HAP--

IT'S LIKE I WAS BEING ATTACKEDBY A GAY GHOST.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?

♪ HEY THERE, DELILAH

♪ WHAT'S IT LIKEIN NEW YORK CITY? ♪

DON'T YOU WANT TO ANSWERTHAT QUESTION?

I BET IT'S AWESOME,'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT THERE,

YOU FUCKING RHYMINGSTALKER WEIRDO.

HOW ABOUT YOU LET HER GO, DUDE?

WHERE'S THAT GUY'S DAD?

WHERE WAS HE WHEN THAT BOYWANTED TO PLAY CATCH?

HUH?

WHERE WAS HE?

♪ OH, WHAT YOU DO TO ME

WHAT, MAKE YOU WRITESHITTY RHYMES?

IS THAT WHAT I DO TO YOU?

IS THAT MY LEGACY?

AND I'M NOT SAYINGTHAT I DON'T LIKE THAT SONG,

BECAUSE I DO.

THAT'S WHAT I DON'T LIKEABOUT IT.

WHAT I DON'T LIKE ABOUT IT IS,I LIKE IT.

THEY GOT ME,THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS.

IF I'M IN MY CARAND NO ONE'S IN THERE WITH ME,

I'LL TURN THAT SHIT UP.

I'LL SING ALONG.

♪ OH, WHAT YOU

WHAT I DON'T LIKEIS THAT THEY GOT ME,

AND I THINK THE GUY'SKIND OF FUCKING DEPRESSED.

I DON'T LIKE GETTING SUCKED INTOANYBODY'S DEPRESSED THOUGHTS.

I DON'T MINDIF WHAT YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT

IS SOME KIND OF STUPID SHIT,

BECAUSE I LIKEA LOT OF STUPID SHIT.

I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY ONECORRECT WAY TO LIVE THIS LIFE.

I HAVE A FEELING THAT THIS LIFETHAT YOU AND I ARE EXPERIENCING

MIGHT JUST BE ONE FRAMEIN SOME INFINITE MOVIE

THAT GOES ON FOREVER

AND MAKES NO SENSE TO ANY OF US.

AND I THINK

THAT THE ONE THING THAT WE CANREALLY CHOOSE TO DO,

WE CAN CHOOSE TO HAVE MORE FUN.

WE CAN CHOOSE TO PARTY MORE.

WE CAN CHOOSE TO LAUGH MORE.

WE CAN CHOOSE TO TAKE SHITLESS SERIOUSLY,

BE A COOLER PERSON,

TIP MORE,

CUT THE CUNTS OUT OF YOUR LIFE,

AND HAVE YOURSELFA GOOD FUCKING TIME.

[cheers and applause]

WHICH IS WHY I LIKELISTENING TO LUDACRIS.

I'VE NEVER SEENA PICTURE OF LUDACRIS CRYING.

EVERY TIME I SEE LUDACRIS

HE'S IN A KUNG FU POSE,

THERE'S GIRLSIN THEIR UNDERWEAR,

THERE'S A PICNIC GOING ON.

HE'S HAVING A GREATFUCKING TIME.

HERE'S ONE OF MY FAVORITEALL-TIME LYRICS.

IT'S FROM THE SONG SATURDAY NIGHT.

"HOW YOU GONNA ACT LIKEMY RIMS AIN'T CLEAN?"

DO YOU NOT SEE THE BEAUTY

AND THE POETRY OF THOSE WORDS?

THAT'S WHAT HE'S REALLYTHINKING ABOUT.

HE'S NOT WORRIED ABOUTTHE ECONOMY.

HE DOESN'T UNDERSTANDTHE ECONOMY.

TURNS OUT NO ONE DOES.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT HE KNOWS?

HE KNOWS HE'S GOT ENOUGH MONEY

TO KEEP HIS WHEELSSHINY AS FUCK.

♪ OH

♪ WHAT YOU DO TO ME

♪ OH

♪ WHAT YOU DO TO ME

OR...

♪ I GOT A BIG WEED STASH,POCKETFUL OF CASH ♪

♪ JUST SEEN A BIG OL' ASS

♪ OOH, OOH

WHOSE PARTY ARE YOU GOING TO?

[cheers and applause]

THERE'S ONE DAY LEFT ON EARTH!

THERE'S AN ASTEROID COMING!

WHOSE PARTY ARE YOU GOING TO?

[cheers and applause]

WELL, WE WENT TOTHE WHITE GUY'S PARTY,

BUT HE WAS CRYING AND TEXTING.

THAT'S ALL HE DID.

YOU GO TO LUDACRIS'S PARTY,HE'S NAKED ON THE ROOF,

THROWING BUCKETS OF ECSTASYINTO THE CROWD.

OOH, OOH!

THE ASTEROID'S COMING.

THEY'RE TRYING TO HUG IT.

"OH, MAN, I LOVE YOU, ASTEROID.

OH, YEAH, MAN."

♪ GOT A BIG WEED STASH,POCKETFUL OF CASH ♪

♪ OH

♪ WHAT YOU DO TO ME

♪ OH

"HEY, MAN,IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD.

"WE'RE AT CRAIG'S HOUSE,

"AND WE'RE ALL READING POETRYAND CRYING.

I WOULD LOVE ITIF YOU COULD COME OVER HERE."

"YEAH, I WOULD,

"BUT I'M AT LUDACRIS'S HOUSE,

AND IT'S MADE OUT OF DIAMONDS!"

OOH, OOH!

♪ GOT A BIG WEED STASH,POCKETFUL OF CASH ♪

"I BECAME A VEGANONCE I REALIZED

"THAT IF YOU DON'T KILL ANIMALS,

"THEY LIVE FOREVERAND BECOME MAGIC.

[heavy breathing]

"AND I GOT THIS TATTOO.

"IT'S IN ANCIENT SANSKRIT,AND WHAT IT MEANS IS,

"IT'S A SYMBOLFOR UNIVERSAL ONENESS,

"AND THAT'S WHAT I BELIEVE, MAN.

"I BELIEVE THATWE ARE ALL CONNECTED,

"BUT THAT INSECURITY KEEPS USFROM RECOGNIZING THAT,

"BUT THAT LOVE,UNCONDITIONAL LOVE,

"IS WHAT BRINGS IT ALL TOGETHER.

SO I GOT THIS TATTOO."

CUT TO LUDACRIS.

"THIS TATTOO SAYS,

'BITCHES BESUCKING MY DICK, YO.'

OOH, OOH!

♪ HOW YOU GONNA ACTLIKE I DON'T BLOW CLOUDS? ♪"

♪ OH

♪ WHAT YOU DO TO ME

♪ OH, WHAT YOU DO

IT MIGHT BE GAYERTO SING THAT SONG

THAN IT IS TO JERK OFFWHILE LOOKING A MAN IN THE EYES.

I'D SAY IT'S A TOSS-UP,

'CAUSE AT LEAST IF YOU JERK OFF

LOOKING AT A GUY,YOU COULD DO IT CRAZY,

LIKE, "WHAT, BITCH?

"YOU THINK I'M SCAREDTO COME ON YOU?

YOU THINK I'M SCARED?"

ESPECIALLY IF YOU GOKNUCKLES UP.

THAT'S AN AGGRESSIVE POSTURE.

YOU'RE SENDING A MESSAGE,LIKE,

"I DON'T DON'T EVENWANT TO BE COMFORTABLE."

WE'RE WEIRD ABOUTVISUALS, MAN.

PEOPLE MUTILATE THEIR KIDS'DICKS BECAUSE OF VISUALS.

THAT'S WHAT CIRCUMCISIONIS ABOUT.

A LOT OF PEOPLE--LOOK, I'M CIRCUMCISED.

I DIDN'T ASK TO BE.

I'M SURE A LOT OF YOUARE CIRCUMCISED,

AND I'M SURE A LOT OF YOUCIRCUMCISED YOUR KIDS,

BUT WHEN YOU REALLY STOPAND THINK ABOUT IT,

IT'S KIND OF FUCKING CRAZY.

I ONLY HAVE DAUGHTERS, BUT MEAND MY WIFE GOT IN AN ARGUMENT

ABOUT THIS SHIT.

SHE GOES, "IF WE HAD A KIDAND IT WAS A BOY,

I WOULD WANT HIMTO BE CIRCUMCISED."

I GO, "WHY?"

SHE GOES, "'CAUSE UNCUT DICKSARE DISGUSTING."

I'M LIKE,"HOW MANY HAVE YOU SEEN?"

IT WAS SO CONFIDENT.

IT WASN'T LIKE SHE SAW TWOTHAT WEREN'T THAT PRETTY

BUT SHE WAS HOLDING ON HOPEFOR A CUTE ONE.

IT WAS LIKE,"NO, I'VE FUCKING SEEN THEM.

"NO!

NO, NO."

I'M JUST PICTURING A RIVER

OF SLEEPY UNCUT DICKSIN HER PAST JUST--

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I'M LIKE, THAT'S RIDICULOUS,THE WAY IT LOOKS--REALLY IT--

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,NO, NO, NO, NO.

"IT LOOKS GROSS.

IT'S ALL THIS EXTRA SKIN."

I'M LIKE, "DO YOU EVEN KNOWWHAT A VAGINA LOOKS LIKE?

ARE YOU SERIOUS HERE?"

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SOBER

AND SQUAT DOWNIN FRONT OF A MIRROR

AND TAKE A GOOD ASSESSMENTOF WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE PACKING?

'CAUSE LET ME TELL YOUSOMETHING,

THE EXTRA SKIN MIGHT BE

THE BEST-LOOKING PARTOF THAT CONTRAPTION.

ALL RIGHT?

WHAT IS THAT?

FUCK IS WRONG WITH US?

I SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE BECAUSEI'M IN A REGULAR MARRIAGE,

AND IT'S GAY AS FUCK.

[chuckles]

HA.

SOME OF THESE ARE JOKES.

MY MARRIAGE IS NOT--AND I SHOULDCLARIFY WHAT I MEAN

WHEN I SAY THAT MARRIAGE IS GAY.

I DON'T MEAN IT'S NEGATIVE.

A LOT OF PEOPLE GET MADIF YOU GO TO A MOVIE,

YOU COME OUT AND GO,"OH, MAN, THAT MOVIE WAS GAY."

'CAUSE THEY SAY, "HEY, MAN,WHAT IF A GAY PERSON HEARS THAT

"AND THEY FEEL TERRIBLE,'CAUSE YOU'RE ASSOCIATING

"SOMETHING THEY CAN'T CHANGE,THEIR SEXUALITY,

WITH SOMETHING NEGATIVE?"

AND THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANWHEN I SAY THAT MARRIAGE IS GAY.

WHAT I MEAN IS THAT IT'S LIKETWO DUDES FUCKING EACH OTHER.

GOD DAMN IT SMELLSLIKE WEED IN HERE.

HOLY SHIT!

WE'RE ALL GOING TO JAIL!

I WRITE SHIT DOWN WHEN I'M HIGH,

AND I GET MAD AT MYSELFWHEN I'M SOBER.

I WROTE THIS DOWN:

"A UNICORN IS A DONKEYFROM THE FUTURE."

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS YOU NEED TO STOPSMOKING SO MUCH WEED, STUPID.

BECOMING--

THANKS FOR NOT MAKING FUNOF MY HAIRCUT RIGHT AWAY.

I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YO,I HAD TO TAP OUT TO BALDNESS.

AT A CERTAIN POINT IN TIME,YOU CAN'T KEEP GETTING HAIR CUTS

WHERE YOUR HAIR STILL LOOKSLIKE SHIT.

THAT'S JUST--YOU GOT TO ADMITWHAT'S GOING ON.

FATHER TIME,YOU CRUEL BITCH,

YOU WIN AGAIN.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG,I HAD A HAIR TRANSPLANT.

SO I HAVE THIS STUPID SCARON THE BACK OF MY HEAD.

YOU SEE THAT THING RIGHT THERE?

IT'S LIKE A LITTLE SMILE.

IT'S A DUMB THING THAT I DIDWHEN I WAS 20,

OR IN MY 20s--

WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG,AND SOMEONE CONVINCES YOU

THAT YOU CAN FIX SOMETHINGYOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF,

YOU CAN DO SOME STUPID SHIT,

AND THAT'S THE DUMBEST ONE EVER.

A HAIR TRANSPLANT--IT'S ONE OFTHE MOST RIDICULOUS IDEAS EVER.

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE A BUNCH OFHAIR FROM BACK HERE

WHERE IT NEVER FALLS OUT,

AND MOVE IT UP HEREWHERE IT'S FALLING OUT.

SO IT'S LIKE TAKING A BUNCH OFREALLY HEALTHY PEOPLE,

AND YOU MOVE THEM INTOA NEIGHBORHOOD

WHERE EVERYONE'S DYING.

THEIR NEIGHBORS ARE JUST FLYINGOFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

YOU KNOW, LIKE,"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

"HOLD THE GROUND!

WHERE ARE WE?"

THERE'S SOME SHIT YOU CAN'T FIX.

YOU CAN'T FIX LIPS.

YOU CAN TRY, BUT YOU'RE JUSTGONNA FREAK PEOPLE THE FUCK OUT.

OKAY?PERIOD.

NO ONE HAS EVER TAKENFIVE DAYS OFF WORK

AND COME BACK LIKE...

[grunts]

AND EVERYBODY'S LIKE,"I LIKE IT.

I LIKE IT.THAT'S BETTER."

NO, THAT'S A SIGNYOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY,

OR YOU MADE OUT WITH A BEEHIVE.

SOMETHING WENT WRONG.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING,YOU CRAZY BITCH?

"THEY DIDN'T KNOW."

HOW COULD THEY KNOW,THE FIRST WOMEN TO TRY THE LIPS.

HOW COULD THEY KNOWTHAT IT WOULDN'T WORK

WHEN IT WORKED SO WELLWITH TITS?

SEE, THAT'S WHEREIT'S CONFUSING,

'CAUSE TITS CAN BE RIDICULOUS.

THEY DON'T--THEY LOOK LIKEFUCKING STAPH INFECTIONS.

IF YOUR TITS WERE REAL,YOU'RE GONNA DIE, ALL RIGHT?

THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY--

THEY COULD STICK OUTAND STRETCH THE SKIN.

WE KNOW.WE KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.

IT'S THE WORST MAGIC TRICK EVER.WE KNOW.

THERE'S AN INCISION, THEY STUFFA WATER BAG UNDER THERE,

AND STITCH THATMOTHERFUCKER UP.

AND WE'RE LIKE, "I DON'T CAREIF I CAN TOUCH 'EM.

"AS LONG AS THEY MOVECLOSER TOWARDS ME,

I'M MORE HAPPY AND EXCITED."

HERE'S SOMETHING THATCAN MAKE YOU HAPPIER.

IF YOU GO TO AN ATM MACHINE,

YOU KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE AREQUIET AT THE ATM MACHINE,

JUST LIKE AT A BATHROOM.

THIS IS WHAT I DO, AND THIS ISWHAT YOU CAN DO, TOO,

BUT YOU HAVE TO DO ITALL THE TIME.

IF YOU'RE GONNA COMMIT TO THIS,IT MUST BE 100% OF THE TIME.

AS SOON AS THE MONEY COMES OUT,YOU GO,

"DOLLA, DOLLA BILLS, Y'ALL."

IT'S ESPECIALLY FUN IF YOU DON'TKNOW IF THE MONEY'S COMING.

IT'S LIKE,"60? DID I GET CRAZY?

"60?GIVE ME 60.

DOLLA, DOLLA BILLS, Y'ALL."

I DID IT--I DID ITRECENTLY AT AN ATM,

AND THERE WAS A DUDE BEHIND METHAT GOES,

"MOTHERFUCKER,YOU REALLY DO DO THAT."

I'M LIKE,"YEAH, I REALLY DO DO THAT."

DO IT, MAN.IT MAKES IT MORE FUN.

OTHERWISE IT'S JUST WEIRD,AND EVERYBODY'S QUIET

AND THINKINGSOMEONE'S GONNA ROB YOU.

AND PLUS,IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS

WHERE A SONG GOT STUCKIN MY HEAD,

AND I HAD TO UTILIZE IT.

I HAVE A TERRIBLE BRAIN FOR SHITTHAT I DON'T LIKE

GETTING STUCK IN.

LIKE, IF YOU PLAY MEA SHITTY FUCKING SONG--

THERE WAS A BAND CALLEDIMPERIAL STARS

THAT GOT ARRESTED IN LOS ANGELES

'CAUSE THEY CAUSEDA TRAFFIC JAM.

THEY BLOCKED OFF THE HIGHWAYWITH THEIR TOUR BUS

AND DID A MUSIC VIDEOABOUT TRAFFIC.

♪ TRAFFIC IN L.A.

IT'S THE WORSTFUCKING SONG EVER,

AND I COULDN'T STOP SINGING IT.

IT WAS LIKEA COEN BROTHERS' MOVIE.

IT GOT STUCK IN HEADLIKE A GODDAMN COMPUTER VIRUS.

THIS IS THE WORST LYRICSOF ALL TIME.

YOU READY?

♪ I'M A ROCK STAR

♪ LIVING ON THE EDGE

♪ I'M KNOWN FOR HANGING OUTAND PARTYING WITH MY FRIENDS ♪

LIKE, SOMEONE WROTE THAT DOWNAND WENT,

"DONE.NEXT LYRIC.

THAT SHIT'S AS GOOD AS IT GETS."

I COULDN'T STOP SINGING IT.

I COULDN'T STOP SINGING IT.

I WAS SINGING ITWHILE I WAS EATING.

IF YOU WERE TALKING,

AND I DIDN'T LIKEWHAT YOU WERE SAYING,

IT JUST STARTED PLAYING.

AND THIS IS WHEREIT GOT TERRIBLE.

THIS IS WHERE I KNEWI HAD A REAL PROBLEM.

I WAS HAVING SEXWITH MRS. ROGAN,

AND IN THE MIDDLE OF IT,I WAS MOUTHING THE LYRICS.

WE WERE DOING ITIN THE DOGGY STYLE POSITION,

AND I'M LIKE,

♪ I'M A ROCK STAR

♪ LIVING ON THE EDGE

AND THEN I REALIZEDHOW PATHETIC THAT WAS!

AND THEN I GOT DISAPPOINTED,

AND THEN I LOST CONCENTRATION,

AND THEN I STARTED GOING SOFT,

AND THEN I TRIEDTO BRING IT BACK,

BUT THEN I FAKED AN INJURY.

AH, FUCK.

SHIT!

AH, FUCK!

OH! OH! OH!

AND YOU GOT TO DOA VIOLENT FAKE INJURY.

YOU CAN'T, LIKE,"OW."

YOU CAN'T FUCK THROUGH THAT KINDOF PAIN?

YOU GOT TO HAVE, LIKE,SOME SERIOUS

MENISCUS, BUCKET HANDLE TEARSHIT GOING ON.