Cultural Explorer & Robert Schimmel

  • Season 4, Ep 7
  • 07/02/2008

Robert Schimmel and Carlos learn about Jewish culture, and Carlos pays tribute to George Carlin.

THERE'S NO WAY I'M PAYING$5 FOR A GALLON OF GAS.

HA, HA, HA.WE SHALL SEE MY FRIEND.

OH, IT'S LIKE THAT?

[SHOWDOWN MUSIC CONTINUES

I'M ALREADY IN, BABY,LIKE A PORN STAR!

MILK IT LIKE A COW, BABY.

COME ON FEED IT. [MOO'S]

AH HA!

HE'S GOT A ZERO,DON'T FAIL ME.

COME ON!

[SNAPS OFF] AHHH!HA, HA, HA!

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

HE'S BACK.

[CLICK] AH-HA!

4.99!

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

- "MIND OF MENCIA!"- [BRICKS BREAKING]

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I LOVE SASSY BLACK WOMEN.LET'S FACE IT,

THERE ARE BLACK WOMENALL OVER THE WORLD.

BUT THE SASSYONLY LIVES IN AMERICA.

YEAH, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A"SASSY AFRICAN WOMAN"?

OH NO! YOU DID NOT!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SEE, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE,"OH NO YOU DI-N'T."

THAT HOW IT WORKS.LOOK. SHE CAN'T EVENDO THE HEAD-SHAKE

WITH THOSE DOO--OR WHATEVER THAT--

OH, NO, NO, NO,NO, NO, NO, NO!

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

CARLOS, WHY YOU MAKIN' FUN OFHER FOR NOT BEING SASSY?

SHE CAN'T HELP ITIF SOME SHAKA ZULU

PUT A SLINKY'ROUND HER NECK.

NOBODY BETTA EVER PUT ADOG COLLAR ON ME LIKE THAT. HUH.

WHY?

'CAUSE I'MNOBODY'S BITCH, BITCH!

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

OH, YOU GOTTA PROBLEMWITH THAT, PONCH?OH NO, NO.

LOOK, WHAT I WAS SAYIN' WAS"I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE AMERICA

FOR CREATING YOUAND MAKING YOU."

AIN'T NO COUNTRY MADE ME SASSY.I AM A STRONG BLACK WOMAN. OKAY?

HUH. AND I SPEAKMY MIND...LOUDLY.

AND IF ANYBODYGOT A PROBLEM WITH IT

THEY CAN KISS MYSASSY BLACK ASS!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

C'MON SISTA. GIRL,WE GOTTA GET YOUR HAIR DONE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SERIOUSLY, GIVE IT UPFOR MICHELLE OBAMA.

GIVE MICHELLE OBAMAA BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

OOH-OOH, OOH!

NEXT ON THE LIST:OLDER DIVORCED WOMEN

ON THE PROWL FOR YOUNG MEN.WE CALL THEM "COUGAR'S."

THAT'S RIGHT. LOVE THEM.AMERICAN COUGARS ARE THE BEST!

LISTEN, MAN,YOU THINK YOU KNOW ABOUT SEX--

UNTIL YOU HANG OUT WITH A COUGAR

AND SHE PULLS A MOVE ON YOUAND YOU'RE LIKE,

"WHOA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

SHHH.

AND THEN SHE PUTS HER FINGERIN A PLACE THAT YOU KNOW

IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO GOAND YOU'RE LIKE,"OW, I THINK THAT HURT--

SHH, SHH, SHH-SHH-SHH.

A COUGAR CAN LICK YOUWHERE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN LICKED

AND YOU'LL BE LIKE, "I DON'TTHINK YOU WANNA DO THAT."

OH, I'M DOING IT.NO, BUT I DON'T THINK YOU--

IT'S DELICIOUS.[GROANING]

AND WHENSHE'S DONE WITH YOU,

YOU'LL BE IN THE SHOWERTRYING TO WASH IT OFF.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA FEEL CLEANFOR A LONG, LONG TIME.

COURGAR'S ARE AWESOME!

I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHINGAND I FEEL--

HEY! HO-HO-HO, STAY AWAYFROM THE SIGN-SPINNERS,

YOU DIRTY AWESOME COUGAR.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

VISITING ONE MINORITY GROUP AT A TIME,

SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

[HEBREW MUSIC PLAYING]

WHAT DO YOU THINKUS NON-JEWS CAN DO

TO HELP OUTWITH ANTI-SEMITISM?

WE HAVE TO UNDERSTANDAND RESPECT OTHERPEOPLE'S DIFFERENCES

AND TO APPRECIATE THEM FOR THEUNIQUE GIFTS THAT THEY BRING.

WHAT IS THE STEREOTYPEOF THE JEWISH GUY?

THEY LOVE THEIR MOMS.THEY'RE FINANCIALLY STABLE.THEY TREAT WOMEN WELL.

THAT'S THE POSITIVE STEREOTYPE.

MY WIFE HAS FRIENDSTHAT CAME OVER TO HAVE DINNER

AND SO WE BOUGHT A CARAND JEW'D THE GUY DOWN.

WHERE DOES THATSTEREOTYPE COME FROM?

PROBABLY FROM WHENCHRIST GOT CRUCIFIED.

BECAUSE THEY OBVIOUSLYGOT CHEAP WITH THE NAILS

'CAUSE THEY USED ONEFOR BOTH LEGS. SO...

Audience: [GROANS]WHAT?

THERE'S A STEREOTYPEI'D LIKE TO SPREAD,

THAT WE'RE SUPPOSEDTO BE GOOD LOVERS.

JUST PUTTING THAT OUT THERE.

EXCLUSIVE OFFER ON JEWISH PORN. 3 FILMS FOR THE PRICE OF 1.

YOU GET: "DRAIN MY DREIDEL" "BAGELS & COX"

AND "SUCK MY MOTZOH BALLS" RATED 'K' FOR KOSHER.

WHAT ABOUT THE WHOLEJEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESSWON'T HAVE SEX WITH YOU

BUT THEY'LL GO DOWN ON YOU?ARE YOU KIDDING?

THAT'S LIKE THE STEREOTYPE,ALL MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "DUDE,

THEY'LL DO ORAL IN A HEARTBEAT."

THAT'S 'CAUSE THEYWANT TO PUNISH THEMSELVES.

WAS THAT A PUNISHMENT?OF COURSE.

HOW CAN I SCREW MY PARENTS OVER?I'LL GO DOWN ON A MEXICAN.

YOU WANNA TELL EVERYONEYOU'RE JEWISH WHEN YOU WORK IN

THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRYBECAUSE IT'S GONNA HELP YOU OUT.

I'M JEWISH BY THE WAY. MENCIABERG.

MY BROTHER'S THE ONLY ONEWHO MARRIED A JEWISH GIRLIN THE ENTIRE FAMILY.

MY HUSBAND IS BLACK.REALLY?SO YOU WENT...[WHISTLES]

YEAH.I'M GONNA BE YOU AND SAY,"MOM, DAD, I'M GONNA MARRY

A BLACK GUY." YOU REACT THE WAYYOUR PARENTS REACTED.

OKAY."MOM, DAD,I'M MARRYING A BLACK GUY."

"HOW RICH IS HE?"[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

HE'S CIRCUMCISED SO HE'S LIKEMOST OF THE WAY THERE.

WHAT ABOUT THE CIRCUMCISION,WHERE DOES THAT COME FROM?

IT COMES FROMTHE STORY OF ABRAHAM

WHERE GOD SAID TO ABRAHAMTO CIRCUMCISE HIMSELF,

MIND YOU HE WAS 90 YEARS OLD

WHEN HE HAD TO DOHIS OWN CIRCUMCISION...

ARE YOU SURE, GOD?

[SLICING NOISE] AHHH!

...AND TO CIRCUMCISEALL THE MEN IN HIS HOUSEHOLD

AND ANY CHILD WHO WASBORN AFTER EIGHT DAYS OLD.

[BABY WAILING]

SO WHERE ARE WE GOING NOW?

WE'RE GOING TO A JUDAICA STORE.

IT'S WHERE YOU GETALL YOUR JEWISH SUPPLIESFOR ROSH HASHANAH,

HANUKKAH, PASSOVER, NOSE JOBS,MEZUZAHS, EVERYTHING YOU NEED.

WHAT IS THIS HORN CALLED?THEY CALL IT SHOFAR.

USUALLY WE USE THISDURING THE NEW YEAR.

CAN YOU PLAY THIS THING?WHAT DOES IT SOUND LIKE?

PLAY IT.

WOW. HOW DO YOU PLAY IT,

DO YOU JUST GO[BLOWING SOUND] LIKE THAT?

AH YEAH, IT'S VERY EASY.TRY IT.

WHAT IS THE MOSTIMPORTANT PART OF JUDAISM?

THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OFJUDAISM IS TO LIVE IT DAILY.

TO CELEBRATE IT.TO CELEBRATE IT.ENJOYING AS YOU'RE DOING IT

FROM THE MOMENTYOU OPEN YOUR EYE.

SO I'VE LEARNED THAT JEWSCOME IN MANY DIFFERENT SHAPES,

COLORS AND SIZES.

THEY'RE AREN'T AS MANYAS WE THINK.

THEY'RE DEFINITELYNOT THE DEVIL.

THEY DON'T HAVE HORNSAND THEY DON'T HAVE TAILS.

AND THEY CELEBRATE LAUGHTER.

OH YEAH, AND I LOVE MY PENISEXACTLY THE WAY IT IS. HAH?

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